Short and Sweet.

2nd date with guy from the weekend last night.

More to come...

Briefly: I wore bad shoes and my feet hurt all night, we went to dinner, there was some making out at his place. A scheduled 3rd date. I got home way too late and I'm really tired today.

Comfortable

I'm not sure that I want to blog about good dates anymore. After all that happened with T, I feel really cautious about trusting someone else's signals... even though they seem crystal clear.

So today, I had a date. I broke a rule that I usually follow with dates with this one. I talked to him A LOT before we met. After talking to him, via IM, phone, or email every day since Monday, I was wondering if we would have anything to talk about. So the date... It started at 3pm. We met at the fountain by Borough Hall and walked down Montague street to the Promenade. It was a beautifully clear, warm December afternoon. Amazing weather. So we walked along the Promenade which has great views of the Brooklyn Bridge and lower Manhattan. From there we continued along through Brooklyn Heights down into Dumbo. (Some of you may be thinking... this walk sounds VERY familiar! I do take many people on this very walk.) We stopped at Jacques Torres for some very wicked hot chocolate. The wicked hot chocolate is spiced with chili peppers, and it's quite good. It's well worth a walk. Things were ok at this point. We were talking, making early on-awkward conversation. It helped that he had never been to that area before, even though he used to work right there! It's always nice to have a new audience to show the pretty things and expose to the best hot chocolate in the world. We walked over to Empire Fulton Ferry State Park, which is a small park that is tucked away between the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges. It's right on the water, and it's a really nice, quiet place to sit, talk, and enjoy the hot chocolate. We sat for a little while, then walked back into downtown Brooklyn Heights. About an hour had passed by this point, and I wasn't really sure if he was interested, or if I was. If he had said at that point that he had to go home, I wouldn't have been surprised, but he didn't. We continued walking all the way down Court Street, and decided to go to the Tea Lounge to sit and warm up for a bit. We sat at the Tea Lounge and talked for at least 3 hours. Things at that point started to get a lot more comfortable, and we both opened up a lot more.

We stayed at the Tea Lounge until 8pm or so, when we moved the date over to my neighborhood Thai restaurant (yes, my dating one!) where we were the only ones in the place (We passed Joya, and it was WAY too crowded and loud). The food was good, and the conversation continued well through dinner. After dinner, it was around 9:30, and I don't think either of us wanted the date to end. He suggested that we go get a drink, so we walked around and went to a local neighborhood bar, not far from my apartment. We drank wine and talked, and at some point we started not holding hands exactly, but definitely finger-playing and hands on top of hands. There was a lot of hand touching... I don't really know how to explain it. It was very comfortable though, it felt really natural. I mean I guess after 6 hours with someone, it might feel natural with anyone. But I don't know it felt easy. We left the bar around 11:30, and I made a comment that if we spent a half hour more together, our date would be 2 days long. So he said, let's spend the half hour then... We couldn't figure out anything to do for the last half hour, so he decided he'd just walk me back to my apartment and we'd call it a night, 8 and a half hours was plenty long for a first date. (Although we did discuss that probably around the 4th hour or so, it became a second date)

He walked me to my apartment, and kissed me goodnight. We stood outside my gate kissing for quite a while, when finally I asked him to come upstairs. We kissed for a little bit on the couch. We definitely made it past the midnight mark. Around 12:10 I heard my roommate coming up the stairs, and I panicked slightly. I grabbed his coat, and told him it was probably time he got going. I did a quick introduction to the roommate, and practically dragged him out of the apartment. It wasn't that I minded him being there, I just felt a little strange with my roommate coming home, and it was still our first date and all... So we kissed by the door some more, and he made certain that I knew he was interested in seeing me again. So about 9 and a half hours after the date began, it ended.

He texted me not 10 minutes later, asking me for a "third" date. :) I'm happy. Actually, slightly giddy right now. I know I should be cautious, I should guard my heart and not get these damn expectations up.... but it's just hard not to. I felt really comfortable with him and I'm not really sure why, but I'm pretty sure he feels similarly to me.

The Salute

Tonight was my first date in over a month. This has been the longest span I've gone without a date in over a year... possibly longer. And I'm not sure how I feel about the date in general. He was nice, yes. Cute, in my type of way. Intelligent, but not arrogant about it. He's a tallish, lanky, bespectacled computer programmer (I do seem to have a type - no?) from the midwest. I think on paper it went well and we had 3 hours of really good conversation - but there may not be the level of attraction that is necessary to advance this any further. Here's how it all played out...

We met up at a bar that was a few blocks from my apartment, and I felt really well prepared for this date. We had many lengthy email exchanges prior to the date, which sometimes sets the stage for disaster. I had done my research on him (of course!) prior to the date, and found through myspace that we actually have a mutual friend. I decided not to reveal my stalker tendencies to him before we met though. We had arranged to meet at the bar around 7:45ish, and I wanted to be there early, so leaving my apartment at 7:38 allowed me this. I walk in and I see a guy sitting at the bar. He had brown hair, glasses, and even though he didn't really look like the guy I was supposed to be meeting, some people don't photograph consistently. So I kind of smiled at the guy who was sitting at the bar, ordered my drink, and waited to see if the guy at the bar would come over and introduce himself. Ahh, he did not. And when he spoke to the bartender I heard he had a very thick European accent, definitely not the midwestern boy I was supposed to be meeting. No sooner do I realize this does my real date show up, looking just like his pictures, well as much as one does look like their photographs online.

We shook hands, and sat at the bar. It wasn't an awkward initial "do I go for the hug/handshake?" question like I had on my first date with T, this guy is just a handshake type guy. So we talked for hours about a lot of different things... my job, the sad state of education in the New York City public schools, books, hometowns, Brooklyn. Really, it was good, natural conversation. Not really first date kind of conversation, but kind of complete strangers who are trying hard not to appear to be strangers conversation... that's the best description I can find.

So around 10:30, he needs to go home, and has a decently long train ride ahead of him (which involves 2 trains, one of them being the G... if you know anything about the G, an off hour train ride can be an unpleasant experience). So, we call it a night, and then my question of how is this going to end starts creeping into my mind... Hug? Handshake? Well.. he had it all figured out. He raised two fingers to his head, and saluted... oh yes. Saluted me goodnight. Wow. I don't know how that plays out in my mind, but I think that's the only thing that would really deter me from seeing this person again. Not that I'm under the impression AT ALL that a salute implies that this guy has any interest in seeing me again. When my roommate asked me when I got home how it went, my best reply was... well, I wouldn't be OPPOSED to seeing him again, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if I didn't.

It's a crying shame.

I hope this will be my last school related post, although I haven't been dating lately, so at least it gives me something to write about.

Before today, I could never imagine having a day like today. It was bad on a scale so unbelievably terrible... I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I've spent most of the day crying or trying not to cry in front of my students. And the best part? It had absolutely nothing to do with my kids.

This morning I got to school early because I had parent conferences with 4 of my students' parents because they've been causing an exceptional amount of problems, and I don't know what to do about it. The meeting was pushed back to 9 pm to accommodate more of the parents' schedules, but no one lets me know that of course. So I arrive in time for an 8 am meeting, find out it's been moved, and go to my room to get some work done. My principal comes up to my room at 8:25, a mere 10 minutes before I need to go pick up my kids. She says she needs to talk to me, and comes into my room. She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't hold teachers hostage at the school and I am more than welcome to leave. What?? Where did that come from? She then goes on to say that I'm just about the worst teacher on staff, and she doesn't understand why I can't do anything that I'm asked to do. At this point, I'm visibly upset, but still trying to hold back my tears because I know I have to go pick up my kids. We had a principals meeting with all the principals from the region and the local and regional superintendents at our school on Wednesday. My principal had been on our backs for about a week straight to get our rooms cleaned, current work up on the bulletins boards, and creating a visible learning environment. I have no problem doing this. I worked my ASS off to get my room ready. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not organized and quite possibly the messiest person that exists. My classroom mirrors that pretty well. She goes on to say that she asked me to do 3 things in my room before Wednesday and I had done none of them. Then, she goes on to tell me that a lot of my students' parents made complaints about me, and that she knows I just hate it here, and why am I still here. At that point I lost it, and really started crying because I HAD done exactly what she asked, I love my students, and I've never gotten anything but positive feedback. In fact when she first told me that a parent had made a complaint about me, I asked her who it was and she told me. I called that parent that night, not to ask specifically about the complaint, but just to see if she had any concerns. The mother told me that she was so glad her son was in my class, and she was so happy I was his teacher, and I was going to be able to do so much for him this year. I told my principal what the mother had said this morning, and her first reaction was, you called her? (which makes me think it was a lie) To which I responded, of course I called her. If she has a problem with something I'm doing, I'd much rather work that out than have issues all year. My principal then said, Well... you know, parents are two-faced. I was floored, and really really upset. I work really hard for my kids, I do a lot of things that a lot of other teachers wouldn't even think to do for their classrooms, and nothing I do is even noticed, let alone appreciated. So after she spent a good half an hour telling me that I'm doing a bad job, everyone thinks so... she said I could either figure out why I can't seem to do anything that I'm told and what can be done to change that, or leave. I'm seriously considering the latter. The best part was when she told me that she was going to tell me last night at 5:30 after I was done teaching test preparation, but she didn't want to ruin my evening and have me upset. So she'd rather ruin my entire day, and have me upset and on the verge of tears ALL day.

I went to go pick up my class, and bumped into the computer teacher. She could tell I had been crying and pulled me into her room to talk. As soon as she asked me, what's wrong? I lost it. I always do. Without a doubt, I can pull myself together and act cool and calm, so long as I don't have to talk about what is really bothering me. So I start crying again, and have to leave just to pull myself together. I finally get to my class, the math coach was watching them (making them walk up and down the hallway) until I got there. And I'm sure they could all tell I had been crying, but only one of them was stupid enough to say something. For the most part, my class was pretty good today, which of course made me even more upset. I then spent most of my morning in the rescheduled parent conference, wondering of course, if these parents were any of the ones that had complained. Usually it is the parents of the worst kids that have the most complaints. Their children aren't succeeding and they need someone or something to blame. Of course it CAN'T be their child's fault. Never.

By the end of the day, I had cried at least 4 or 5 more times. The rest of the staff that I talked to was shocked when I told them, and one teacher who's been there for 6 years told me that this is just the principal's style. She doesn't like teachers who stand up for themselves, so she feels the need to "break" them. I've never been a pushover, and when I really and truly believe in something, I have a hard time just backing down and agreeing to do something I don't think is right or, in this case, best for my students.

I am going to speak with my principal tomorrow. I have formulated what I am going to say to try to explain to her why I "can't seem to do anything that is asked of me" and I'm also going to talk to my Union rep too. I feel attacked, and I don't like being treated like I'm not doing my job when I most certainly am.

If anyone knows of any job openings at other schools in New York or New Jersey, pass them my way!

Something New

I don't usually write about things at my job, because this isn't a job blog. It's a dating blog, and there is absolutely no one of interest for me to date at school... But, just a quick story that really made my day and reminds me why I love working with kids (sometimes).

I've not been at my best the past week or so, and when you work with 18 very hormonal 5th graders, they tend to bring out all the nastiest things in you. I've had 2 very bad days with my students, yesterday and today. Yesterday I was at the point of almost just cashing it all in, subletting my apartment and high-tailing it back to Jersey. But I'm not a quitter. and I'm not going to let these 5th grade brats get the best of me either. I made it through last year which was just one torturous day after another, and left more days crying than not. I haven't cried once this year, so why does it seem so bad? I think because my class seemed so good at first, and now they have hit some sort of rebellious phase and want to fight me on every issue from pencils to their seats. Very trivial issues, but they treat them each with life changing urgency and as if I'm doing them utter injustice.

I teach an after school test preparation program that runs from 3:37 through 5:30, and after 7 hours of children sucking every ounce of energy out of you, it's the most dreaded part of my day. Especially the cafeteria duty. Because the kids stay until 5:30, we take them down from 3:37 until 4 or so and the school feeds them another meal. It's chaotic and poorly run, and we're supposed to police our students at all times. Plain and simple, it sucks.

Today I was dealing with two of my most problematic boys, and the fact that they should have been kicked out of test prep about a week or so ago when they started causing problems to the point where no one in my class gets any work done. I was going to talk to the Assistant Principal when I ran into one of my students from last year. She was one of my favorite students, and I had really missed her since school had started this year. I see some of my students who live nearby and come to pick up younger siblings. Seeing her definitely lifted my mood, and I chatted with her and her father for a little while. At one point, she turned to her father and said, "doesn't she look so beautiful?" and that one comment totally made my day. First of all, I did not look beautiful by anyone's standards. I was wearing my cords, a v-neck sweater with some t's layered underneath, my hair was a mess, glasses, and no make up. But it reminded me that to children, that kind of thing doesn't really matter. You can look and feel terrible, but they have this ability to put you up on a pedestal and see the best in you. I believe that most of my students, whether they admit it (or show it) or not, look up to me as some sort of role model. I am an important figure in their lives, I could probably do a lot more good for them if I gave them more of a chance. So with this happy outlook, I decided to give my problem boys one more chance, really trying to believe that they could do it.

I was wrong, and one was kicked out by the end the day today, and one has one more chance. But it was a nice thought for about half an hour.

Giving Thanks

Sometimes all you need is a little perspective for everything to put back into order. Coming home to my parents house always grounds me a little bit, and re-instills the values in which I am ultimately seeking. The holidays at first make me feel sad, spending them alone. At Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house, I was the only cousin there who is single, and even though not all of the significant others were there, I couldn't help but feel the pressure of that. I felt more so than ever that I need to find someone, even if it's just so I don't have to spend holidays alone. It wasn't my best night, but it did bring about some perspective. I have come to realize that never in my life have I spent a holiday alone. I am so lucky to have a close family, and wonderful parents and siblings. My family has never pressured me with questions like, Why aren't you in a relationship, When are you going to get married? etc. I have friends whose relations do in fact pressure them to be in a relationship, and I can't imagine how awful it must feel. I think I am the worst perpetrator of those pressures in myself. I set time lines as to when I should be meeting people, and how my life should be going. But, I really should take more of my own family's standpoint of: it will happen in time, there's no rush.

So over this holiday season I am going to be thankful for the love and support I have in my life, for my family and amazing friends. I am going to try my hardest not to project where and when I think things should be in my life. I have been talking to 2 new guys though. Both of whom I think have some really good potential (there I go again - projecting!), but it's just been email exchanges at this point. Both of them have extremely different, yet appealing characteristics thus far. Although I should know by now that email exchanges and in person exchanges are two very different interactions.

"It ended bad, but I love what we started"

As promised... the recaps of dates 4 & 5 with T. Now some of you have voiced concern about these being "watered down" because T has the blog link. I promise I will be as honest and as unbiased as possible. He may read this (Hi T!) or he may not. (If I knew someone was writing and posting things about me on the internet, I would read it.) Regardless, I don't feel any anger or upset** about the situation, so these posts should be *almost* as good as if I had blogged them right after they happened (maybe less giddy than I would have been then). I'm glad to have had these two dates, and as my posts are usually driven towards the negative aspects of the dates, I think it's nice to read something good for once.


** After writing the post below, I probably am still upset by how things turned out. But it's hard to write so many good things and believe that it was all a farce.

Date #4 - November 1st
It was a Wednesday night, and as my week goes, Wednesdays are traditionally work nights for me. I spend a lot of time doing school work since it's the only night the local library is open until 8pm. So, I packed up my laptop, my homework for class, school work, and headed down to the library with every intention of staying there until 8 and then moving to the tea lounge (on Court St.) for a quiet place to work on my NaNoWriMo novel. It was the first day I could start writing and I really didn't want to fall behind. While I was walking to the library, my phone rang. It was T. I hadn't talked to him since our last date the previous Friday. (Not For Tourists.) I called him on Sunday when I got back from Connecticut, he called me the following Monday while I was at school, I returned his call that night, and Wednesday was him returning my call. So we chatted while I walked to the library. It was a gorgeously warm evening for the first of November, and T asked me if I wanted to come by to the park and take a walk once I was done my work at the library. I really shouldn't have gone. I had a ton of work to do, but I wanted to see T more than I wanted to start writing my novel, so I did all the classwork I had to do for grad school, and took the train over to Park Slope.

We met outside his building, and walked into the park. T carried my laptop bag for me the whole night, which was really nice, because I was tired of lugging it around. We sat on a bench by the water for a little, and then walked some more, deeper into the park by the man-made waterfall. We made out there for a while. It was dark and romantic, and very nice. For someone as shy though as T claims to be, he was very aggressive in progressing the physical part of the relationship. So after a decent amount of time passed, he asked if I wanted to walk more and go lie on the grass in another part of the park. I agreed that would be nice, and we ended up in one of the larger open fields of the park. It was completely empty, which was really nice for it being such a warm pleasant night out. We sat underneath a beautifully damaged tree. From one side the tree had full foliage and majestic branches. The other side had branches completely broken off by wind. It was such a striking difference from the opposite side of the tree, I marveled in its contrast. The image is still impressed vividly in my mind. We laid in the grass for a while, making out, talking, just enjoying the serenity of the park in opposition to the city. It was during that time that I decided that I really liked him. I wasn't worried what other people were going to think of him, or of the relationship like I usually do. I wasn't concerned if we were doing these dates the way they should or if I should be playing by "the rules." I remember lying there in the grass, turning my head to look at him, and think "Yup, I really like him." and he seemed to really like me too, which of course made things even better. At one point, he asked me if I wanted to come back to his apartment to meet his cat and see his dictionary. (Yes, that was his exact invitation.) Of course, I agreed.

Back in his apartment, I met his adorable cat. I'm not a cat person, but as soon as I walked in his cat rolled onto his side for me to rub his belly. I was hooked. Then came the dictionary. An impressive 2nd edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. I had only seen the multi-volume set, and this is an impressive piece in any collection. He has a small one bedroom apartment, which is really nice, but there is no couch, and his bed is lofted, so there was no where for us to sit together. We ended up lying on his floor, making out, talking, etc (same as the park) for a long time. One of the things he said which made me think he was interested in pursuing a relationship was how it was dangerous that I lived so close, only 4 stops on the F train. He mentioned he'd be missing a lot of sleep. I took that as meaning from spending nights with me. He asked if I wanted to spend the night, and tried to convince me to sleep there, and get up early the next morning to take the train home. I lost track of the time, and before I knew it, it was after midnight. I had to work the next day, I guess I'd be missing night's of sleep as well. But I knew I wasn't ready to spend the night, I did not want to do anything wrong with this one. Before I left, he asked me if I wanted to "do this again very soon." (his words) He said he'd be too tired the next day (Thursday) but asked me out for Friday. I was going home for my friend's birthday in Philly, so I said Saturday would work better for me. He said he didn't know what his plans were, but he would call me by Saturday to let me know.

I was a little surprised then on Friday when I got a phone call from T in the middle of the afternoon. He told me that he had gone to a state park in western New Jersey, and asked me if I wanted to come there Saturday instead of us hanging out in Brooklyn. I told him I'd consider it, and call him around noon the next day to let him know. After weighing the options, I decided I wouldn't go. It would have been a two and half hour drive from my parents' house to get to the park, and another 2+ hours to get back to the city. I was taking Salsa lessons the following morning in Manhattan, so I had to come back to the city Saturday night. The bridge was closed because of the marathon, and it just didn't make sense for me to drive so far out of my way for just a few hours with T. Even though I was disappointed that I wasn't going to get to see T on Saturday, I was glad to have some time to do some writing and work on some of my papers.

Date #5 - November 4th
T called around 11 that morning while I was still at my parents' house (I was supposed to call him at noon, remember). Since I wasn't rushing back to the city for anything, I took my time getting all my work done. He told me that he changed his mind, and he was coming back to the city early instead of staying in New Jersey, and asked me if I wanted to hang out still. Of course I did. So I rushed to get the work done, and headed back into the city. Heinvited me to come to his apartment and we'd order in dinner. Sounded good to me. I feel like there is something more intimate about eating dinner with someone in their own apartment. There are no distractions, it's not for show for anyone else, it's just about the people there.

I got to his place around 6. We ordered in Indian food. I browsed his book collection, played with the cat. It was very comfortable; we talked about a 1994 (?) road atlas, the meaning of the word "dight", poisonous wildflowers, bugs, birds, and his extensive David Attenborough video collection. Things I have little to no extensive prior knowledge on, but that didn't deter my interest. Though, I probably didn't contribute as much to the conversation as much as he might have wanted. When the dinner arrived, T arranged the plates and set up a very nice dinner by candle light and low lighting. Romantic. I wonder why I would be assuming that this guy actually liked me? After dinner, T wanted to show me one of his Attenborough DVDs, but again the lack of couch situation meant we had to sit on the floor. It was ok though, T sat behind me, with me sitting between his legs. Of course we didn't watch the dvd for very long. T was very persistent in trying to move the relationship on a little more physically than I felt comfortable with. I managed (not without struggle) to keep all my clothes on, however. There were no signs to me that I was doing anything that he wasn't enjoying, but apparently I should have been more shy even though he was the aggressor. He invited me again to spend the night, which I again, politely, refused. I thought there was plenty of time, we could take things slow and steady.

When I was ready to leave, it was early enough that I felt that I could take the train back safely by myself. T offered to walk me to the train, but I felt that was unnecessary. He was already at his apartment. Had we been out, I would have said yes. He insisted. We walked outside, and then he insisted on driving me home instead of me taking the train. I argued that it was totally ridiculous for him to drive me home, it's such a short train ride away, and he'd lose his parking spot. He reasoned that he doesn't get to drive all that much in the city, and that he really wanted to drive me home. With much reluctance, I agreed. I try to think back to the conversation we had in the car, if I said something inappropriate, maybe asked too many questions, maybe just was irritating to him. The car ride I feel MUST have been the turning point. Why else would he had still been trying so hard up until that point. He dropped me off at the corner of my street, and I kissed him goodbye. The rest... well, that's history.

In other endings - I had to go to school today (Yes, on Saturday) for a workshop. I got on the local train only one stop before my stop, so I had a quick ride. I stood by the door. I was tired after being out past 2 last night, and not really focused. I hear the door in between cars open and I turned to look at who was coming in.... The Subway Stalker!! But to be perfectly honest, I didn't mind seeing him. He told me that he only has one more day left at his job and then he has to find a new one. We parted after going through the turnstile, he didn't offer to walk me out today. So, this means no more subway rides together. I can't believe this is the end of the Subway Stalker. I think I might just miss him.

"The fool doth think he is wise"

In my anger after posting the last blog, I acted impulsively and sent the blog link in an email to T. A lot of people opposed this idea, saying I shouldn't let him know how much I liked him, I should delete all the previous blogs about him, that it would give him the upper hand. At this point, there is no upper hand, there is no relationship, there will be no more dates. I don't care if he knows that I really liked him, I'm pretty sure I made that abundantly clear anyway. If nothing else, it elicited a response from him, the heart of it being that I'm not shy enough, quiet enough, or bookish enough for him. Ok, in layman's terms - he's just not interested in who I am, why he waited 5 dates and over a week to tell me that? He blames that too on his shyness.

So let's break this down... I'm not shy enough. When I was little, I was extremely shy. I was probably considered shy up until college. I never considered it a good social quality to possess. I grew out of that phase, and even though I guess I am no longer shy by society's standards, I will always think of myself as reserved. As I mentioned this to my roommate after my first date with T, I felt that because he was SO shy I was overcompensating trying NOT to be shy. I guess that didn't work in my favor. But he did tell me on our 3rd date, (the NFT date) that he felt uncharacteristically comfortable with me, is that a bad thing?

Next point: I'm not quiet enough. I'm not awkwardly quiet, no. I'm not extremely loud or garish though either. I think if there were a spectrum of extreme quiet to extreme loudness, I would fall just above the halfway mark closer to loud, but most definitely in the middle somewhere. I can be completely reserved and demure, he just didn't get to know me well enough to see that.

Final Point: Not Bookish. Now I took this comment to heart. "Want to come meet my cat and see my dictionary?" I didn't blog about our 4th date (Because I feel after 3 dates you are wading into relationship territory, and it is a slight betrayal to record every intimate detail - I guess that's fair game now, I'll post 4th and 5th date stories this weekend.) But in preview, that is the line he used to get me to come back to his apartment. When I told this to a few friends, they would stop me, mid-sentence, and every single person's response would be..."Wait, did you hear what you just said?" At which I had to laugh, because yes, I realize an invitation to see someones complete OED is not usually a tantalizing lure, but to me, I was very interested. I think anyone who can hold a conversation about reference books, dictionaries, or online retrieval systems can be automatically classified as bookish. I actually took this comment as an insult to my own intelligence. As I mentioned after our second date, T is clearly an intellectual, and I didn't feel like I lived up to those standards myself. I don't know enough about the types of literature he reads to have at an length discussion about it, but that didn't mean I wasn't interested in knowing more. I am studious and intelligent, I read a lot, write a great deal, and have a general bookish quality about myself. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that I definitely look bookish. (Even the subway stalker thought so!) My sweater vest/v-neck sweater (navy mostly) with a button down shirt collection is growing exponentially, and my librarian look is very close to being complete. All I need is a new pair of glasses, and I'm set. Not being quiet and shy, I can forgive. But not being bookish enough is a direct attack on who I am.

I think he either over thought things way too soon, or he really didn't like me all that much and thought this would be a better way to tell me. It bothers me because I do feel like we could have been well matched, but I don't want to date someone who is so quick to judge. So who then would T like to date? Sounds to me someone exactly like himself. Isn't variety the spice of life?

ANGER

You know when you have felt worried and upset for days, and it turns suddenly into pure unadulterated RAGE. I had a student yesterday have an outburst similar to that, slamming desks, chairs, throwing himself against doors and banging his head into closets. It was a scary thing to watch. Someone so angry that even bodily harm alleviates that rage. It's an even worse thing to FEEL. I have no feelings for T right now except for that pure unadulterated rage. ANGER. Disgust. And what brought all this on, one might ask... after days of hoping to hear from him? Not necessarily hoping something had happened to him, but hoping he'd resurface and have the best f'n excuse I've ever heard for why he hadn't been in contact. Besides just being a pussy (and I will note that I hate this word, but I can't think of a better description).

So, I've been worried about his well being, concerned about him for days and days... hashed and rehashed this out with friends, family, colleagues, anyone who was willing to listen let alone give me their 2 cents basically. I had my roommate doing investigative work for me, just so I could know the god damned boy was still breathing. Well, aren't I the fool? He's alive and well enough I might gather. Yup. And how do I know, one could ask me? Well, as many a blog before I have posted, I have "mad" librarian skills... and with those intense searching skills comes an ability to find information about people they might not even know exist. This was not the case with T, try as I might, finding information if he were dead or alive proved to be a futile attempt. I tried search engines, social networking sites, etc. Nothing except an old Friendster profile from god knows how long ago. Alas I had nothing to do with this worried feeling I had; I tried texting him, the same no response, and tonight, I called just for one last attempt to see if he was alive. He didn't answer, no surprise. And on the message I just asked, nicely, I thought, if he could just send me an email, didn't have to be anything detailed or in depth, just something so I could know he was alive. An empty email for all I care. Did he? Not a chance.

So as I was working on my homework tonight, a discussion in my graduate school thread about finding "hard to find" biographical information (oooh us crazy librarians!) came up, and someone mentioned that after searching through obscure sites and really wracking her brain for ways to find it, she had realized she had overlooked some of the most basic sites because she automatically assumed they would be no use for her. This struck a chord with me. Hmmm. Of course! Once an online dater, always an online dater is what I've found, and most of the guys that I've met on jdate, or the onion, or craigslist even, usually have a dating profile on at least one of the other sites. So I chose the most basic, well known online dating website and did a search for a 30 y/o man within 5 miles from me. Voila! There he was, and active within 5 days. Now it's been 9 days since I first called him to wish him a good first day of work, 6 days since I emailed him... so did he get my email? Most likely. Did he get my phone calls/text messages, most likely as well. When I think about the time I spent, worrying about his well being, besides the intense anger, I have to laugh. Because seriously, this guy was SO not worth the effort. Did I like him, without a doubt. Would I have liked to have seen him more, most definitely. But if at 30 years old, you are incapable of sending someone an email, the most passive form of human interaction, just to MAN up to the fact that you are no longer interested, than seriously, you are not worth my time. T had every opportunity to back out graciously too, without all this drama. He just started a new job, and could have used the excuse that he was just too busy to date anyone right now. Ok, I would have been hurt and disappointed, but I wouldn't have been over here wondering and waiting.

What kind of person at 30 (almost 31 mind you!) doesn't know how to have a normal human interaction? I mean don't guys ever outgrow the childish avoidance behavior. I see it a lot in my 10 year old students, and it is mostly the boys. If I say something to a girl that they don't like, they yell back at me. If I say something to a boy that he doesn't like, he puts his hands over his head or turns his back and refuses to respond. I feel like this is T's way of putting his hands over his head, and being a coward. Yes, it's hard to reject someone, and I know well enough how hard it is to just say, please leave me alone (re: the subway stalker), but it's the right thing to do. If this had been one or two dates and he did this, I am sure I would have responded much differently. However, after 5 dates, where he was expressing just as much (if not more) interest in me, I believe I deserve at the very least a passive one line email.

I could go the route of belittling him, and listing every reason why he's not good enough for me, and exposing all of his vulnerabilities that he revealed in the short time we knew each other. It would make me feel better momentarily. But I'm not a woman scorned here, I didn't love him, he didn't do me some great injustice. He's just a little boy who hasn't grown up enough in his abilities to deal with women. I don't understand why guys don't think a mature woman can't handle a little honesty. I'm much better at dealing with rejection than dealing in the unknown.

I took a chance on this guy, and it didn't work out. There are plenty of other chances out there (good news for the blog), I'm a little angry that I cancelled dates with 3 other potentials to see where this one went, maybe I missed out on something great, who knows maybe I'll give one of them a call...

to be continued...

Unsettled.

I went out Friday night for my friend's birthday dinner. I was walking up 2nd Ave, and suddenly realized I was standing on the corner where the drunk guy passed out and almost died on my He Said, She Said date. It was a warm night, for being November and all, and there were a few people eating outdoors at the Mexican restaurant where the date took place. Thinking back to that hilarious scene during my dating frenzy, made me think how weird it was that it's been 3 months since then, and I feel like I'm in quite a different place.

I had my hopes set on T being a good relationship. I didn't set expectations on it, and I didn't over plan/think the relationship. It was going smoothly, we had 5 really awesome dates, each one getting progressively more enjoyable than the next. He talked in terms of the future. What we would do together, the things he wanted to show me... This wasn't your average "I want to get laid" talk. He was laying the groundwork for a relationship. He said he wanted to take things slow, it was only our 5th date after all, he said. When I was leaving the night of our 5th date, he insisted on walking me out to the train, even though I told him I'd be fine. Once we got outside, he convinced me to let him drive me home. He dropped me off at my apartment, and we kissed goodbye. I wished him a good first week of work at his new job, even though I was sure I would talk to him soon. That was 8 days ago. I haven't heard from him since. And not from lack of trying on my part. I called him Monday morning to wish him a good first day at his new job. Didn't hear back from him. Emailed him Thursday, just to check in, see how his week was... Didn't hear back from him. Called him Saturday, marking my final attempt of contacting him, just to say hi, and that I would be in his neighborhood for some writing... and shockingly... didn't hear back from him. So, I spent a good portion of the weekend feeling a mixture of foolishness, anger, and worry. Foolish for trying so hard all week, but after 5 dates, I didn't honestly think anything of it. Angry for believing that this guy was for real... and angry for still believing it. Part of me doesn't want to give up just yet... part of me believes he's going to call me sometime this week and have a REALLY good explanation for why he has dropped off the face of the earth. And finally worried, worried that something could have happened to him, and I would have no way of knowing. The likelihood of that happening is slim, I'm sure. But I can't shake the feeling that something is completely off. He also hasn't logged into his profile on the dating site since the 2nd, which I at first took as a very good sign... but now that it's been over a week since I've talked to him, and he hasn't been scoping out new potentials, I'm a little concerned. I've had guys disappear before, drop off and never call me again. Completely ignore emails, and such. But this is weird... and I can't shake the feeling. I don't know what to make of the situation. I don't think I want to go back out there, dating more guys than I can keep track of.

So, as far as I can tell... I'm done with T. Which makes me sad. I hope there will be more to add to this incomplete story at some point down the line. But for now there is nothing left to say.

A break to write a book.

I apologize right now for the fact that I will not be updating my blog for the month of November. I signed up for NaNoWriMo, so on top of everything else I am trying to balance in my life, I will be writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. I'm only 6,500 words in, which means I'm behind, I should be at 11,000 words approximately. I wrote 5,000 of that tonight, woohoo. (Yes, that means before tonight, I was RIDICULOUSLY behind.)

A quick update. T and I have been on 2 more dates since the last post. Both have been really great. I realize what I like the most about dating T is that I have no expectations on how things "should" be. I am just taking it as it comes, and not stressing about it too much. I don't have time to stress about it, and it really makes the dating part all that much more enjoyable. I enjoy the time when I'm with him, and I leave knowing that it won't be too long before we're on the next date. My busy schedule is kind of limiting how much time I can really spend seeing him.

In the past I feel like I've scheduled my life around the guy I was dating, but now I feel like I'm scheduling my dating around my life. What a nice feeling.

Not For Tourists.

I went on my third date with the rain date guy (who will be referred to as T from here on out...) from last week last night. It was kind of last minute, but I did end up asking him out, which I feel ok with. Late Thursday night, after my boring date at the Tea Lounge, I was trying to firm up plans for the weekend. There was the Brooklyn NFT (NFT = Not For Tourists guide book) release party on Friday night, and free copies of the new Brooklyn NFT? I was SO there. I thought it would be something that T would like as well, and I thought it would be nice to see him before I go to Connecticut for the remainder of the weekend. So, ignoring all advice from Debbie (which actually came after I had already done it), I emailed T to see if he was around to get together last night. He emailed me back in the morning that he was, and he would call me. We arranged to meet for dinner before going to the NFT event on 5th Ave in Park Slope. I walked over the 5 Aves and down the 10 or so blocks, but it was a nice crisp autumn night... I should have checked the weather though before I left. Turns out rain was in my forecast.

We ended up going to a really nice French-style restaurant for dinner, and having good 3rd date conversation. I feel like I still don't know enough about this guy, but I think it's nice to get to know someone on a gradual basis. But maybe I should find out his last name... after 3 dates it's probably ok for me to ask. We talked about our families some, I talked about school, we then had a slightly awkward conversation about marriage and babies (not about us having them... but a general discussion of that around our respective family's expectations.) Dinner was great, and even though it had started to rain lightly by the time we left, I hardly noticed. After dinner we went over to the NFT event at a bar on 4th Ave, where we met up with one of my friends. I knew my friend was going to be there, but I didn't know how T was going to react to meeting a friend of mine so soon. I mentioned that my friend was going to be there, but not necessarily that we were going specifically to meet up with him, which technically we weren't. We were going for the free NFTs! But after the loudness of Joya, and how quiet T is, I was concerned anyway. He is so shy that I didn't think he would be able to fare well in the bar atmosphere. I think he managed alright. The bar wasn't too crowded when we got there, and I managed to spot my friend easily. We chatted with my friend and his girlfriend for a little while, but as soon as the bar picked up a bit, we decided it was probably best to go somewhere a little quieter. The rain was picking up, but it still wasn't as bad as it had been on our first date. We tried the holding hands thing, but it was weird, and awkwardly placed. After he fixed his hood due to the increasing rain (and lack of umbrellas on both our part!), he put his arm around me, which was an easier way for us to walk. He stopped at one point, and kissed me in the middle of the street. I don't mind. We headed back over to 5th Ave and up multiple blocks to the Chocolate Room, which is just as delicious as it sounds. It's a cafe, but it specializes in chocolate everything. We each had a cup of the best hot chocolate I've had thus far in Brooklyn (even better than the hot chocolate at Jacques Torres!). It was still early, but he was tired from 2 late nights the previous nights, and I don't think he's as much of a night person as I am. He walked me back to my block, and then we stood on the corner, in the rain, kissing for at least 20 minutes. The rain wasn't heavy, but I was feeling slightly soaked. It was sweet and romantic, and a really nice end to overall a really nice evening. Neither of us made the move to leave, but eventually we parted ways. I was about 4 doors down from my apartment, but when he got home probably about half an hour later, he called me to ask me if I got home alright. He was obviously joking, but the fact that he called me, half an hour after our date... well it makes me think that this is going to turn into something completely different than the rest of my dating experiences thus far.

boring in brooklyn

Back in the habit of serial dating. I actually had the opportunity to have 3 dates in 3 days this week, but I declined to have a date with a 3rd guy tomorrow night. I may look into seeing last night's date some time over the weekend, I am not sure though if I want to put forth the effort into making plans, or if I should let him ask me out.

Tonight's date was nothing special. It was actually more along the lines of boring than anything else. The guy seemed kind of shy before I met him, but he wasn't necessarily shy... I think it's better described as socially aloof (I wouldn't go as far as to say awkward...) and just kind of dull. We met at the Tea Lounge in Park Slope, but it was crowded and there was no indoor seating, so we sat outside to drink our coffee. It is not outdoor eating/drinking weather anymore. I was COLD. It's not that cold out right now, but it's cold enough that if you spend 2 hours outside, you are going to be chilled straight down to the core. My feet are still cold. The conversation was either boring or slow, and he was uninterested in having the natural give and take of a conversation... so a lot of topics ended with me just trailing off, and him just sitting there. He asked questions and then seemed completely uninterested in the answers. And he did not engage in asking any questions on top of what I had said, so I just kept talking until there was nothing more to say. And then moments of silence. Alright. Well, I tried. I went out, and I tried my best and that's all that matters. It was short, just a little over an hour or so, but by the time I got home, I had been out for 2 full hours, and most of that time spend outdoors on this chilly October evening. There's nothing even interesting to write about the date. It was just wasted time.

Indian Summer

It's like August all over again. Not heat wise, but dating wise. Although there have been no double headers, or 6 dates in one week... But for a work week, this is getting pretty hectic.

I had date numero 2 with the tall, red-headed guy from last week's rain date tonight. I was surprised actually, because we did not have a date planned, and I actually didn't know when he was getting back from being away. Apparently, he got back from his trip this afternoon at 3 and called me to go out at 6. I like not having to wonder.

So we met up around 7 at the subway station by my apartment. I was worried about the greeting, because we had that awkward exchange last time, he went for the handshake, I went for the hug... So he gave me a hug, and it was not completely awkward, but still, yeah, a little bit. We walked all the way down Smith until the restaurants and bars are no longer bountiful, and then back up again, a much nicer night for a walk than last time. It was a tad bit windy, and the air was definitely colder than I would like, but hey, it's Autumn, and I like that. We ended up at a small Indian/Pakistani place on Court St. It was a fine choice, but I was keenly aware when we sat down that we were THE only white people eating there. Now, spending my days in Bed-Stuy, I'm often the only white person in a place, but in a restaurant for some reason I am much more aware of it. The food however was very good. It was a quieter place to eat than last time, and he actually made a comment about that. When we were trying to decide where to get dinner, he said something along the lines of somewhere quieter than last time. I knew that was a mistake... Joya is not a good place to go on first dates. But the very quiet atmosphere was much more enjoyable for conversation. And we talked again about super geeky/pseudo smart topics. I am not sure that I am smart enough for this guy, but he doesn't seem to mind. At least not yet. And he seemed to really enjoy hearing me talk about my students, which was nice, because sometimes it's nice to have a captive audience when I need to vent. He was amused by all the things my students say, which is good, because honestly I forget how amusing they can be. I spend more time being astounded at their pure stupidity. But, he was a very good ear to bend on the topic of my students.

After dinner, it was still cold and windy, so we walked back to the train. I couldn't tell if he was going to kiss me or not, and I wasn't going to go in for it myself... While we were walking he asked me if I was cold and when I said that I was, he put his arm through mine, which I thought was nice. Our first attempt at non-awkward physical interaction. It was still kind of awkward, because I had my bag on that arm, and then it kind of slipped a little.. and so I'm trying to figure out how to fix it without either pulling my arm out of his, or making it seem like I didn't want to be touching him. I managed when we stopped at a light before crossing the street. We reach the subway station, and were saying our goodbyes... and he kissed me. It was really nice. I have some issues with making out in front of subway stations because it's awkward for anyone that needs to enter the subway. So, it was brief, but long enough that we both know that there will be another date to see where this goes.

I do have a date tomorrow night with a different guy. It really is like the summer all over again.

NY may still care, but I'm done.

New York Cares Day has come and gone without anything of real note to write about. I was really nervous about going yesterday, I'm not sure why exactly though. I think meeting other people's friends is a high pressure situation, and since I hadn't talked to the 3" guy in 2 weeks, it was making me uneasy.

The actual volunteering was nice, I had a really good time. It was a great day to be outside and helping out. I sound all humanitarian now. I spent a good deal of time with 3 or 4 of 3"s friends, and got to know some of them over the course of the day.

After the volunteering, everyone went home and the after-party was at a bar in Chelsea at 8:30. Of all the times I am late to everything, I showed up for this around 8:45. Strange... there was no one there that I recognized. I didn't think much of it until it got to be almost 9 and I was still the only one there. I called 3" to make sure I was in the right place, to which he confirmed I was indeed in the right place, but he and most of his friends who were coming were still in Queens. They were on their way, he promised, and I should wait for them. Finally, 2 of the girls I had spent a good portion of the day volunteering with showed up and we got to talking. Funny that during the day the topic of how everyone knew the 3" guy never came up. But over a couple of drinks, it did. So, as nondescript as I could, I just said, we went on a few dates. I mean, that is how I know him. I don't even know how to explain how I know him. To which the other girl laughed and said... oh that's great, you and L (name has been removed for anonymity). To which I replied, what? The girl went on to explain that there was another girl at the volunteer event that had dated 3" guy. I kind of had expected that there would be others, and that's ok... I just wanted to know which one she was, and I cursed myself for not paying closer attention to the group members earlier that day. Finally about 45 mins after I had been at the bar, 3" and his friends show up. When a bunch of people got up to get drinks, he moved over and was sitting next to me. He apologized for marking his territory on my neck a few weeks prior, and we were in mid conversation when his friends came back. He didn't seem to mind everyone hearing the story, so I didn't mind passing around the picture on my camera (see photo below). The girl who had been talking to me earlier about 3"s dating habits is on the same dating website as I am. We were talking about awkward moments on first dates, and the subject of height came up. She shared a story about a guy who was so tall he had to crouch down to give her a hug, the only story I had that was comparable was the 3" guy standing on his tippy toes at the end of our first date to give me a hug. That started an entire 3" bash session between me and my new found friend. 3" did not seem to appreciate it, but he's a good sport and took it well.

After most of the people had gone home, 3" guy decided to cozy up to me. After a whole day of the friendship treatment, I didn't react very well to this. I brought up the girl, L, who he apparently had dated. (I think I said something about how there were lots of girls on his team today). He looked really surprised. I told him how I knew, and he said, um, yeah, L is my ex-girlfriend. Ok. That's not what I was really expecting. I thought this girl had been someone he met and been on a few dates with, not someone who he had a relationship with. The night ended around 1, and 3" had to go back to Queens with his friends. We parted with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, no mention of hanging out again. I realized that I like him as the person he is, one on one. In a group, he's too showy, and when he's not around, well then I just don't like him at all. For now, I just can't care enough for the both of us.

However, I am hanging out with some of his friends that I befriended tomorrow. If his friends become my friends, this should make for an interesting situation.

The Ol' Irish Brow

I thought being honest would deter the subway stalker. I thought he would no longer harass me on the subway and while waiting. Why do I allow myself to have such delusions of grandeur?

I was waiting for the train on the way home from school today, I left around 5, which is prime "subway stalker" time. But since I hadn't had any run-ins since the last interaction, I did not really think about it. I saw him before he saw me, but I didn't have time to get my book out or my headphones on, or anything really to look busy. He spotted me of course, and here's the weird thing... he must of had a friend waiting for the train across the platform because he shouted something across to him and looked over at me, back at his friend, and then made some sort of gesture I was trying not to see. I rolled my eyes, and backed up, hoping he wouldn't come over. No such luck. He comes over to me and says, and I quote, "why do you look like a librarian today?" I replied with something along the lines of, um.. because that's what I am... or something very witty like that. He goes on, not only do I look like a librarian, but I should have been wearing my glasses today, because I look hot in my glasses (I some how managed to pull off the librarian look without my librarian glasses, I guess somethings ARE meant to be). And when I replied that I didn't think so, he told me that I was a "hot commodity" and he touched my shoulder. I pulled back and told him I was most certainly not a hot commodity.

You would think that when someone pulls away from you when you touch them, they would stop trying to touch you... But somethings I guess are not that obvious to others. He kept poking me, in a flirty way, and I was really uncomfortable. He goes on to tell me that I look Irish today too. An Irish librarian. Yes! So when I said, well most people usually think I'm Irish because of the hair and the complexion, and he was like no, it's the eyebrows. What? I have Irish eyebrows? What ARE Irish eyebrows? He said that my glasses usually cover them, so he never noticed them before. I can't imagine why not, I mean, Irish eyebrows are the FIRST thing I notice on someone.

Things had reached that awkward moment where I just wanted him to leave, and to stop touching me, when finally the train is approaching the station. He asks (which surprised me) if I wanted him to ride in the subway car with me, or if I wanted him to leave me alone. To which I replied, Well, I have my book, so I think I'll be fine. And so he said goodbye, and says, Alright bye.... um... Erin? And I raise one of my (Irish) brows, and say with a smirk, Erica. And promptly turn away.

And so the saga continues of the subway stalker and the non-Irish lass on the C train in Brooklyn.

Rain Date

I went on a first date tonight! The first in over 7 weeks. That was quite a hiatus I took from dating, but it felt good to get back into the swing of things. I've decided that the 3'' guy isn't worth all the trouble I've been putting into caring. I will see him on Saturday this week, and I guess I'll see how that goes at his NY Cares event. I'll be going solo, all of his friends will be there... but I'm not stressing it.

Tonight's date was far from what I had expected. I was nervous. Very nervous. Possibly it's because I was away from 1st dating for almost 2 months. The weather today is a far from nice dating weather as you can possibly imagine. It's been raining steadily almost all day with not even a hint of dryness in there. It was cold and grey, and a day I would so much rather spend watching a movie, or reading a book... Not dressing up for a date. But, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do... right?

I was, however, looking forward to the food. Of course. Thai food. But not the usual neighborhood restaurant, I went for the trendy - loud restaurant, which was a decision that I stressed about for most of the day. I had spoken to the guy on the phone for about an hour last night. From the conversation I could tell that he was VERY shy, and very quiet. So when I said, Let's go to Joya (loud, trendy Thai restaurant), I immediately knew I should have opted for the other. But it turned out to be a good idea after all...

We met up around 6 at Joya. I was early, and managed to keep mostly dry. As I waited, I had a small nervous/anxiety attack where I just had no idea how I got back to square one of dating after all that time being away from it. I wanted to leave. He came in, and we had an awkward exchange where I think he went to shake my hand, but I don't shake hands on dates, so I went in for the hug... it was weird. Definitely an uncomfortable way to start the date. He was cute though. Definitely my type. He's tall (yay!), skinny, red haired, bespectacled... geeky cute. We were sat right by the open kitchen, which if Joya wasn't loud enough... sitting right next to the open flames and shouts of the chefs doesn't make it any easier to hear. But we managed. We ordered (and he didn't order Pad Thai!) and talked, the conversation was slow, but it progressed. He definitely warmed up as the date went on. I was not able to read him at all at the beginning of the date. I couldn't tell if he was interested or not, so I just played it as if he were. Either this worked in my favor, or he really was, but it was a good move on my part. When the conversation eased a little bit into a more natural give and take, we talked about a lot of things. He's very smart. It was a very intellectual conversation, and I felt like I was having a mental workout... in a good way. And then I start talking about my mosquito bites. Nothing like bringing an intellectual conversation to a halt than to talk about the mosquitoes that have taken over my apartment. I didn't scare him off though, and it maybe even made him more comfortable. We talked long after our meal had ended, and he mentioned that he wished it were nicer out so we could take a walk. I said the rain didn't bother me (what? who am I trying to kid??) and we could take a walk in the rain. This was probably not a great idea on my part. I do like a nice walk after dinner, and there is no better neighborhood to stroll around than mine (in my humble opinion!), but in the rain it is nothing but miserable and cold. So we walked for about 10 minutes, when we both decided that finding the subway would be a good idea. It's very awkward to walk with someone when you both are carrying umbrellas and are trying to stay as dry as possible. We got to the subway station when I remember that my metrocard is in my school bag during the week. I didn't have it with me, so I was going to have to walk home. I explained my situation, and told him that he should take the train from there, and I'd walk home, since it wasn't that far for me. He was a complete gentleman, and walked back with me. It was quite possibly one of the nicest gestures a guy has made for me on a first date. Walking you to the train is one thing... but walking you an entire subway stop down in the wind and rain is another thing completely. We had another awkward exchange when we said good-bye, it's hard to hug someone when you both have umbrellas and you're trying not to poke each other in the eye. But he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He's going away for a week or so, but said he'd like to get together when he's back, and he even suggested the activity. A planned second date on the first? That's a new development. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Honesty

Maybe my last post for the subway stalker. I had a run in with the subway stalker earlier this week which required me to be honest to the depths of my soul and just tell him once and for all, I did not want him to call me anymore.

Here's how it all played out:

Tuesday morning I caught the A train (which runs express for all you non-subway connoisseurs) in hopes that it would catch up to a C train (the local), which I would transfer to, one stop before my school's stop. The C train was at the stop I needed it to be, but the conductors have a knack of being power hungry and close the doors right before you get on. So you really have to make a mad dash across the platform, which is exactly what I did. I run, literally, onto the C and to my luck, who is sitting right in the seat across from where i just ran in?? Yes. The subway stalker. Now I could have been mean (he already thinks I am), there were 2 other teachers from my school in the car, and I could've gone over to them and ignored him completely. But I was feeling kind of shocked and it was too early for me to think of anything, so I stood by the door and just said hi. He went on to talk to me about he thanks God everyday for his job, and I have no idea where this came from.. we were on the train for maybe 3 minutes. He definitely talked about God the whole time. So I thought it would be fun to tell him that I don't believe in God. He then goes on to say that he thanks God everyday for all the good he has brought into his life blah blah blah... and I say, but what about the bad things? He thanks God for those things to. I don't know, if you ask me, I don't thank anyone for the bad things that happen to me. In fact there's a lot of taking the lord's name in vain and unpleasantries when bad things happen to me. I just rolled my eyes when he said the whole thing about thanking God for the bad things too, and since we were out of the turnstile, I thought this was where our interaction would end.

Oh no. He says that he'll walk me out. Like to school? He's going to walk me to school? I'm not sure if this was his intention or not, we never got that far. He mentioned how he wasn't going to call me again, because I had never returned any of his phone calls. So if I wanted to, I could call him. My guilt conscience kicked in then, and of course I started saying how my phone had broke and I had to get a replacement (true), and in the process I lost all my phone numbers (lie - but it didn't matter, his number isn't in my phone anyway.) As I'm saying this, I'm hearing a voice in my head saying NO! WHY?? YOU HAD AN EASY OUT!! He was never going to call me again, if I didn't call him. Easy enough. I'm never going to call him even if did have his number. Why did I have to open my stupid mouth? His reply was, So you want me to call you then? I pause, think about all the times I felt bad when he called and called, and I never picked up. How I thought i should've just been honest with him from the start. So I turned to him and said, No, I don't want you to call me either. He was really taken back by that comment. Personally, I was too. I was proud of myself though. I was honest and now I don't have the fear of the subway stalker hanging over me every morning when I get on the train. I might see him. Maybe we'll say hi. But I made it clear that I am not interested. Honesty, finally.

in 3's

Last night was date #3, with the 3" guy, 3 weeks after our last date. Actually, all 3 dates have been spaced out evenly... 3 weeks to the day between each one. I guess my last ditch effort worked to some extent (see below). Friday night after I posted the blog, freaked out a bit about being so lame, I went to bed around 2 am. I had just drifted off to sleep, and was in that hazy half awake, half asleep phase, when I heard a noise... it was one of those times where you hear something you recognize, and you know you should react to it. My first thought was... that's strange, I didn't set my alarm tonight. It was my phone, and it was 2:30, and it was the 3" guy calling me. After I have convinced him that no, he did not in fact wake me up (I am a liar!), he proceeds to tell me that I should have signed up for his volunteer thing earlier because apparently that night he had a party for all of his volunteers at some bar. Oh well. We talked on the phone for a while, not necessarily marathon length, but the conversation was over an hour. He asked me what I was doing for the rest of the weekend, and we decided to go out again on Sunday night. (making it 6 weeks to the day since date #1, and 3 weeks to day since date #2)

So last night was the 3rd date. We met up at the corner of 20th and 6th, near his work since he was working yesterday. We walked down to 3rd avenue, and back around up to Park on 19th where we stopped in for dinner at Duke's (note: same place I went to with the mullet guy). We had dinner, talked, laughed, cheered for the Eagles. It was all very nice, I guess. Maybe I was just tired, or maybe I wasn't finding him as entertaining as I had before, or maybe Duke's isn't a good place for me to date... whatever it was, I wasn't as into him as I had been on the previous date. I found less to talk about, but that's ok. He managed to carry the conversation for the both of us. I'm not saying it was a bad date. It most definitely was not! It was a very good date. And I had a lot of fun, it was just maybe too built up in my head because I was so convinced on how much I liked him. After dinner, he was very tired, and wanted to go home. He invited me to go back to his place, in Astoria (not close!), to hang out and watch some tv. Yeah right. But ok, I decided I'd go, hang out for a bit, and take the train home later that night. I had nothing else to do, why not? So we went back to his apartment... and somewhere on the N train the old feelings kicked back in. Maybe it is Duke's, and I need not to go there anymore on dates - it's good food, but it kills all romantic feelings whatsoever. I was glad that I had decided to come back with him.

Once at his apartment we hung out for a bit, talked, he gave me the "grand tour" of his one bedroom apartment, which surprisingly ended in the bedroom. We made out for a bit, but I was being unreasonably and uncharacteristically shy. I'm not sure why, I think it has to do with the fact that I go through these crazy 3 week cycles between dates, and I didn't want to get too far in over my head on this one. But I was being much more reserved than I have ever been. He really must think I'm crazy. But I managed to relax a little bit, we made out for a bit. We were just lying there together and then he says to me, "so, you're staying over right?" I didn't know how to respond to this. It wasn't like he was inviting me to stay over. I really had no intention of staying, but it was late by that time, and the trains are not the most reliable, if he wanted me to, I would. So my response was, "I don't care, if you want me to." Which I knew would piss him off because he said to me earlier in the evening that I don't care about anything and that I always say "I don't care." In my defense, the only reason I say "I don't care" isn't to placate the guy, it's because I honestly don't care. So he kind of sighs an exasperated sigh, and I say something about not having my contact stuff with me. To which he replies that he has an extra case that I can use. I take this as a sign that he does in fact want me to stay. Thus, I spent the night. This is the first time I've spent the entire night with a guy since May. I didn't sleep well, and I was very consciously aware the whole time of where I was in relation to where he was. He slept kind of in the middle of the bed, so I had to sleep close to him the entire night, and he kept his arm spread out under me for a good portion of the night, which made me think he must have been uncomfortable like that, so I tried to sleep over his arm, or below where it was resting on the bed. Over all.. it did not make for good sleeping for me. But it was nice.

Look, I even got a souvenir to take home.

Pretty, isn't it?

I Care.

Well. I decided to make one last ditch effort with the 3" guy before continuing on with my dating life. I know, I know. I should cash in my chips while I'm ahead. But I was never good at gambling, and I'm even worse at this whole dating thing. Only when I really like the guy. So, the 3" guy has been giving me the run-around for a solid 3 weeks now since our last date. Ok. We've emailed, and such, and he might be interested in me. But at this point, probably not. It's been way too long without even so much as a phone conversation. I mean there's only so much you can convey through an email. My hunch is he's dating a lot of people right now, maybe like where I was, oh, about 2 months ago... and doesn't NOT like me, but I'm not worth cutting off his dates with the rest of the NYC population.

I understand that. I was there. I dated a lot of guys that were nice enough, that I would've gone out with again, but my dating schedule didn't really allow for seconds. I barely had enough time for the firsts. You lose track of these things.

But... Because I like this guy, I did something really stupid. I signed up to be on his NY Cares volunteer team for NY Cares Day in 3 weeks. In fairness, he invited me to. But I probably should have bowed out of this one gracefully. Yeah, because I REALLY want to go to a much more privileged school than the one I teach at, and help them "clean it up" and make it a "better" place. Please. That's what I do, day in and day out at my job. It's a good cause, and I really believe in what NY Cares does for public schools, and for the city, I just wish they would choose schools that really had a need for it, maybe one more like the school I teach at. But no, I'm going to be getting up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday to fix up a city school. Wait.. did I say city school? I mean I guess technically Staten Island IS part of the city, but it requires me to either drive there, or take the subway into Manhattan, and then take a bus BACK through Brooklyn into Staten Island. And won't I just look like the prettiest picture of desperation this side of the city has seen in a long time.