Where did February go? I realized this morning, as I was thinking back over the short month of February, that my life right now is not all that different than it was throughout most of my relationship with Google during the month of February, except the past 2 weeks I've known that he didn't want to see me, rather than spending all that agonizing time wondering if it was me or just my imagination. But I'm forcing myself to get past this, and my mind/heart isn't cooperating so much.
This weekend I spent more time with Mr. Perfect than I have in a very long time. Probably not since the summer, when we were still basically dating, just without calling it that, and the line between friendship and relationship was very very blurry. On Thursday night, I came down with a really bad cold, very quickly, and didn't have any meds at my house to counteract it. I posted something silly on facebook about how I would give anything for someone to bring me some Nyquil, and that I was sick, basically. The next day was yet another snow day, due to the impending "snowicane" that never happened, but yet another day of school canceled and the library was closed as well. I had the whole day off, and wasn't really sure what to do with myself.
Around 10ish, Mr. P texts me to see how I'm feeling, and if I got the meds I wanted last night. I responded that I didn't get any Nyquil and I'd like to get out to the drugstore at some point during the day to get it. He says that he's going to shovel out his car, and if the roads are ok, he'll drive up, help me shovel, and he'll take me to the drugstore, because he knows I hate driving in the snow. At the thought of spending the day alone or with Mr. Perfect, obviously, Mr. P wins that one. I agree, tell him I'm getting in the shower, but I'll leave the front door open so he can come in when he gets here. About an hour or so later, I'm showered, dressed, drying my hair, and I hear my dog barking but I checked the door and no one had come in, so I figured he was just barking at my neighbors shoveling across the street. I finish getting ready and look at my front window to see Mr. P has already shoveled my driveway, sidewalk, walkway, and my neighbor's as well. And at the time, he was salting it. It wasn't a huge amount of snow, he might have been there for 20 minutes or so, but the fact that he came over, did all of that, without being asked, without any prompting at all, made me remember what a great guy he really is. But this doesn't blur my lines of friendship with him, just makes me appreciate that he is still in my life.
After he was done shoveling, salting, and clearing my driveway, we went to the drugstore, ran some errands, and ended up having some lunch at Panera. We sat and talked for nearly 2 hours, just about everything. His issues with dating, my issues with Google, things that we wished we could have done differently between us, it was all fair game at lunch. And it didn't seem to make things weird, or uncomfortable for either of us. He has started seeing a therapist for his depression issues, which makes me really happy. I know I can't fix his problems, I couldn't when we were dating, and I can't now, but I'm glad he's finally seeking some help beyond himself. His therapist continually tells him (which he then tells me) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. This makes me happy, because, honestly, it's what I always believed. I pushed him to confront a lot of issues he didn't want to deal with while we were dating. I made him talk to me about things that he would have rather just shut me out of completely. In the end, it didn't matter for our relationship, but I am glad that he recognizes how good I was for him. We talked about letting things go, and he made some sort of comment about how he's never let me go, and I think he won't until he finds someone new. I don't know if it's hard for him to listen to me talk about Google, but he asks, and wants to talk about it. I never bring it up unless he does. Maybe it helps him let it go a little bit, knowing that I don't have those same feelings for him anymore. We hung out for a while, went to see a movie together (I paid, to thank him for shoveling and doing all of that for me, and I had a gift card.)
Last night was the rescheduled show that Google was supposed to go with to see my friend's play. I had the extra ticket, because obviously Google wasn't going anymore. Mr. Perfect had offered to take the extra ticket, and I was ok with that. My friends who we were going up with are probably the closest to Mr. Perfect out of all my friends, we spent the most time together with them, and Mr. Perfect and my friend's husband were pretty good friends while we were dating. I was a little nervous about it seeming like a double date, but we managed to pull it off without any real awkwardness... that is until I got an email from my ex of 5 years ago's sister, (that is something for another post) but it brought up the conversation of all the guys I've dated and what losers they all were. Seriously, my friends who were there with me had met most of the guys I've dated seriously throughout the years, the poker player, the Israeli, CK. They knew them all and of all my exes, the only one they've ever really liked was Mr. Perfect. So we went on a very long tirade about my exes, in front of Mr. P, which was probably a little uncomfortable for him, although we all tried to assure him that of all these guys, he was the best of them. He tried to pay for my dinner, although he had already paid me for his ticket for the show, which I told him he didn't have to because I had bought the ticket for Google and had already counted it as a loss when I wouldn't take his money for it either. But he insisted, so there was NO way I was going to let him pay for my dinner. On the car ride home, I fell asleep and ended up sleeping on his shoulder the whole way home, which was probably the most physical contact we've had in months. It didn't spark anything though, he dropped me off at home, no kisses or hugs, just a sleepy good night at my door. The line between our friendship and our past has not been blurred by recent events.
I know he's really lonely, and doesn't have a group of friends to rely on, and that he misses me and my friends, so I'm not going to shut him out, just because we used to date and no longer do... I can be mature enough to allow him into my circle of friends, and if he starts dating someone and this friendship fades, that's fine. I don't have any hope that things with Mr. Perfect and I would ever be worked out, he's not right for me, and I want so much more than what he's capable of giving. It's weird that I can feel that for him, and recognize the exact same things in Google. Google never gave me what I wanted as a boyfriend, there's no way he would ever be able to do that as a friend... it still doesn't make me wish it were different any less. Although by now, I was hoping to be past it. We have communicated a few times on IM. Nothing substantial, nothing even worth writing about. It's enough to give me that false sense of hope, and yet not enough to make a damn bit of difference.
I am moving on. I have been talking with 3 new guys. I'm trying to muster up the excitement to go on these dates, and get back out there. I know I can meet people, and I know I can go out on a lot of dates, and most will want to go on second dates, and maybe even thirds. But my heart's not in it yet. I'm hoping that March brings everything that February couldn't.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Call it off
"Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at,
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at,
But now we'll never know,
I won't be sad but in case I'll go there,
Everyday to make myself feel bad,
There's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do... " - Call it Off, Tegan & Sara
The camping trip weekend is over, and I'm back home (rather, at my parents' house right now, but home all the same). Of course the weekend did not proceed without any incident, or without hearing from Google. Friday night was by far the best night of the camping trip. When everyone gets to the house, it's a great reunion, most of these people I haven't seen in almost a year, so there is a lot to catch up on. Some of them read the blog, so they had some ideas, but most don't. They had some idea that I had been seeing someone, or had ideas based on facebook pictures, etc. So to make sure everyone was up to speed, there was a whole retelling of the "Google Story." And while every time I tell the story, it gets a little more comical and hurts a little less, it was really fun to see some of the guys reactions. They without a doubt, thought I was crazy, but we got through the whole story up to me leaving Google's house on Valentine's Day, not to hear from him at all that week. Following that, there was much eating and drinking, and by midnight we were all very very drunk. We were in the middle of a rousing game of flip cup, when one of my friends picks up my phone and just asks "whose phone is this?" Immediately, I thought it was because it rang or beeped, but really my friend just wanted to call herself to hear her ring tone on her phone. She handed me my phone so I could call her, and really it should've been put away for the entire weekend. But I didn't, and I checked, no missed calls/texts. I was a little disappointed, but it passed quickly, as I was drunk. I had my phone next to me at this point, and maybe an hour later, still drinking heavily, I looked at my phone, and was SHOCKED to see I had a text from Google. I read it, processed and then decided I needed to share it. So, I promptly announced to the entire room. BIG mistake. The cleaned up version of his sloppy-drunk text was something like this, "I'm sorry about last week. I'm drunk. Hope you have fun in NY. I'm a loser, you will find better. I'm not getting any tonight. going to go puke." Yes. That was the text message that a 35 year old, self respecting(?) guy sent me, at 1 am, a week after we broke up. Well, I had no intention of writing him back, I was too drunk to make a good decision, and at 29 I know this, so I have to assume that if at 35, you don't know that drunk texting is a bad idea... I had to battle some of my friends, some of whom wanted to call him right there - 2 drunk guys talking on the phone to a guy I just broke up with - not a good idea, some who wanted to take my phone from me for the rest of the weekend - a better idea, or what ended up happening - me swearing that I would NOT write him back, which I didn't, and we all move on.
So the weekend progressed, and despite everything, the camping trip is a really good weekend to remind myself of what I really want in any relationship I'm in. The trip this year was a bit different than years past, less people came, different house, we ventured out for a day trip, I set the oven on fire, but all of this isn't what helped me reset this weekend. Being around friends is always a good thing, but being around my friends who have some of the best relationships I've ever seen, really reminds me of what I want, what will be someday for me. It was all I needed to NOT text Google back, because anyone who has any standards is not going to respond to a drunk text at 1 in the morning, when he couldn't care ALL week how I was doing. And that text didn't care how I was doing either, it was, like everything in the past 3 weeks, about how Google was feeling, and to be honest, if there is zero reciprocation, I'm so over it. Except for when I got home... and I was feeling sad, and he was online... so I sent him a message, it said "Got your text on Friday, sounds like you had some kind of night, feeling better?" And no response. Nothing. I waited for a little bit, and he's online, so I know he got it... but clearly he's only interested in communicating when he's drunk and lonely. And I'm not going to mean anything to him, if all he wants is for me to be his late nights or his early mornings. So I cut the ties today. I deleted him on facebook, removed him from twitter and stopped following his tweets as well. Nothing was better when I had to go to his page to unfollow him, and saw all the tweets he posted when he was drunk on Friday night. As one of my wise friends has said to me often, a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Drunk or not, he admitted to being in love with 2 of his neighbors, and as surprised as I was when I first read it, it actually makes a lot of sense. He also posted that he needs someone new this week. That hurt. I still can't figure out why I wasn't good enough.
Am I still hurt? Yeah. Unfortunately. Do I know that I can do better? Yes. A million times over, yes. But it doesn't change how I feel right now. And I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again, I think throughout this all, I thought we might be friends eventually, or things would change, he'd feel better and realize that I would have been so good for him. And he'd realize how great I am.
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at,
But now we'll never know,
I won't be sad but in case I'll go there,
Everyday to make myself feel bad,
There's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do... " - Call it Off, Tegan & Sara
The camping trip weekend is over, and I'm back home (rather, at my parents' house right now, but home all the same). Of course the weekend did not proceed without any incident, or without hearing from Google. Friday night was by far the best night of the camping trip. When everyone gets to the house, it's a great reunion, most of these people I haven't seen in almost a year, so there is a lot to catch up on. Some of them read the blog, so they had some ideas, but most don't. They had some idea that I had been seeing someone, or had ideas based on facebook pictures, etc. So to make sure everyone was up to speed, there was a whole retelling of the "Google Story." And while every time I tell the story, it gets a little more comical and hurts a little less, it was really fun to see some of the guys reactions. They without a doubt, thought I was crazy, but we got through the whole story up to me leaving Google's house on Valentine's Day, not to hear from him at all that week. Following that, there was much eating and drinking, and by midnight we were all very very drunk. We were in the middle of a rousing game of flip cup, when one of my friends picks up my phone and just asks "whose phone is this?" Immediately, I thought it was because it rang or beeped, but really my friend just wanted to call herself to hear her ring tone on her phone. She handed me my phone so I could call her, and really it should've been put away for the entire weekend. But I didn't, and I checked, no missed calls/texts. I was a little disappointed, but it passed quickly, as I was drunk. I had my phone next to me at this point, and maybe an hour later, still drinking heavily, I looked at my phone, and was SHOCKED to see I had a text from Google. I read it, processed and then decided I needed to share it. So, I promptly announced to the entire room. BIG mistake. The cleaned up version of his sloppy-drunk text was something like this, "I'm sorry about last week. I'm drunk. Hope you have fun in NY. I'm a loser, you will find better. I'm not getting any tonight. going to go puke." Yes. That was the text message that a 35 year old, self respecting(?) guy sent me, at 1 am, a week after we broke up. Well, I had no intention of writing him back, I was too drunk to make a good decision, and at 29 I know this, so I have to assume that if at 35, you don't know that drunk texting is a bad idea... I had to battle some of my friends, some of whom wanted to call him right there - 2 drunk guys talking on the phone to a guy I just broke up with - not a good idea, some who wanted to take my phone from me for the rest of the weekend - a better idea, or what ended up happening - me swearing that I would NOT write him back, which I didn't, and we all move on.
So the weekend progressed, and despite everything, the camping trip is a really good weekend to remind myself of what I really want in any relationship I'm in. The trip this year was a bit different than years past, less people came, different house, we ventured out for a day trip, I set the oven on fire, but all of this isn't what helped me reset this weekend. Being around friends is always a good thing, but being around my friends who have some of the best relationships I've ever seen, really reminds me of what I want, what will be someday for me. It was all I needed to NOT text Google back, because anyone who has any standards is not going to respond to a drunk text at 1 in the morning, when he couldn't care ALL week how I was doing. And that text didn't care how I was doing either, it was, like everything in the past 3 weeks, about how Google was feeling, and to be honest, if there is zero reciprocation, I'm so over it. Except for when I got home... and I was feeling sad, and he was online... so I sent him a message, it said "Got your text on Friday, sounds like you had some kind of night, feeling better?" And no response. Nothing. I waited for a little bit, and he's online, so I know he got it... but clearly he's only interested in communicating when he's drunk and lonely. And I'm not going to mean anything to him, if all he wants is for me to be his late nights or his early mornings. So I cut the ties today. I deleted him on facebook, removed him from twitter and stopped following his tweets as well. Nothing was better when I had to go to his page to unfollow him, and saw all the tweets he posted when he was drunk on Friday night. As one of my wise friends has said to me often, a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Drunk or not, he admitted to being in love with 2 of his neighbors, and as surprised as I was when I first read it, it actually makes a lot of sense. He also posted that he needs someone new this week. That hurt. I still can't figure out why I wasn't good enough.
Am I still hurt? Yeah. Unfortunately. Do I know that I can do better? Yes. A million times over, yes. But it doesn't change how I feel right now. And I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again, I think throughout this all, I thought we might be friends eventually, or things would change, he'd feel better and realize that I would have been so good for him. And he'd realize how great I am.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Longest Week. Ever,
This by far, has been one of the longest weeks of my life, and work wise, it was only a 3 day work week. Sleep is something that isn't coming easy to me, but I go to bed MUCH earlier than I used to. My friend taught me some good yoga breathing tips, which I tried, and it helps a bit to clear my mind when it's racing before I go to bed.
Mornings are by far the worst time for me. Maybe that, and later at night, but I can't seem to figure out why mornings are so hard for me. We hardly spent any morning time together, it was usually me getting up before he did, leaving while he was still asleep, and going on with my day. Or if we did get up at the same time, most times I left almost immediately after. I think it's that it's a whole new day that will end up hurting in some way. Today, I was hoping would be different. I have my yearly "camping" trip this weekend, which I am looking forward to so much. Last year was the first time I ever brought anyone to the camping trip, and due to Mr. P's issues, it did not work out very well for me. I was never intending on bringing Google to the camping trip, even if we were still dating, it would have been too soon. So there's no reason for me to feel without him when I'm on this trip, except my brain doesn't work like that.
I'm still feeling up and down about things. I reposted my Match profile, which never brings anything good initially. I feel like in the beginning when you're "new," you get a lot of winks and emails but it's not really anything substantial. I also signed back into Jdate, but I only have a week or so left in that subscription, and let's be honest, nothing good came of that site. The guy who didn't want me to blog about him was back in touch. He is such a creepster, I can't believe of ALL the guys I went out with in December, he was the one I was looking forward to the most? This is why people on paper are never what they seem in person. He wants to hang out and he's SO pushy about it. Seriously, he was so mean to me on our date and he also lives WAY too close to Google, I'd be thinking about Google the entire time if I went over there. And that doesn't bode well for anyone. But he's interested in going out again. Wonderful. The thing is, every single guy I went out with in December (all 6? of them), all asked me out for a second date. And persisted for a week or two before they got the hint, but I was so head over heals with Google I didn't think that maybe I should've been keeping my options open. Google and I never had any kind of discussion if we were or weren't going to see other people. Maybe I should have. I didn't really feel anything special towards Google until our second date, and not that I want to go back out with all these other guys again, but I'm just saying maybe it would be a good idea to give people more of a chance and keep things open, until I know both of us are on the same page. I think at first Google and I were on the same page, but then something changed for him, and he went back without cluing me in. There is one guy, who might have been part of the original December 8, but disappeared after a few emails. He sent me a text message the day I was at the Franklin with Google, saying he was sorry we lost touch, and he'd like to get together, etc. At first I wasn't sure who it was, because he has the same first name as CK, and so I was confused as to why after 2 years would CK be texting me. But I ruled him out when I remembered I had been talking to this guy in December from Match. So when I reposted my Match profile, I emailed him. If I hear back from him, great. If not, I'm not going to sweat it. I wasn't all that excited to hear from him when he texted me before, so if he drops off again, no big deal. I won't lie, I still have some false hope that I'll hear from Google one of these days, too. It takes everything in me not to email/IM/text to see how he is, how he's feeling, etc. I have to assume that he's fine, and if he wanted to hear from me, he would be in touch.
Here's to hoping that this weekend will leave me feeling restored and happy, I'm hoping for no tears on the trip.
Mornings are by far the worst time for me. Maybe that, and later at night, but I can't seem to figure out why mornings are so hard for me. We hardly spent any morning time together, it was usually me getting up before he did, leaving while he was still asleep, and going on with my day. Or if we did get up at the same time, most times I left almost immediately after. I think it's that it's a whole new day that will end up hurting in some way. Today, I was hoping would be different. I have my yearly "camping" trip this weekend, which I am looking forward to so much. Last year was the first time I ever brought anyone to the camping trip, and due to Mr. P's issues, it did not work out very well for me. I was never intending on bringing Google to the camping trip, even if we were still dating, it would have been too soon. So there's no reason for me to feel without him when I'm on this trip, except my brain doesn't work like that.
I'm still feeling up and down about things. I reposted my Match profile, which never brings anything good initially. I feel like in the beginning when you're "new," you get a lot of winks and emails but it's not really anything substantial. I also signed back into Jdate, but I only have a week or so left in that subscription, and let's be honest, nothing good came of that site. The guy who didn't want me to blog about him was back in touch. He is such a creepster, I can't believe of ALL the guys I went out with in December, he was the one I was looking forward to the most? This is why people on paper are never what they seem in person. He wants to hang out and he's SO pushy about it. Seriously, he was so mean to me on our date and he also lives WAY too close to Google, I'd be thinking about Google the entire time if I went over there. And that doesn't bode well for anyone. But he's interested in going out again. Wonderful. The thing is, every single guy I went out with in December (all 6? of them), all asked me out for a second date. And persisted for a week or two before they got the hint, but I was so head over heals with Google I didn't think that maybe I should've been keeping my options open. Google and I never had any kind of discussion if we were or weren't going to see other people. Maybe I should have. I didn't really feel anything special towards Google until our second date, and not that I want to go back out with all these other guys again, but I'm just saying maybe it would be a good idea to give people more of a chance and keep things open, until I know both of us are on the same page. I think at first Google and I were on the same page, but then something changed for him, and he went back without cluing me in. There is one guy, who might have been part of the original December 8, but disappeared after a few emails. He sent me a text message the day I was at the Franklin with Google, saying he was sorry we lost touch, and he'd like to get together, etc. At first I wasn't sure who it was, because he has the same first name as CK, and so I was confused as to why after 2 years would CK be texting me. But I ruled him out when I remembered I had been talking to this guy in December from Match. So when I reposted my Match profile, I emailed him. If I hear back from him, great. If not, I'm not going to sweat it. I wasn't all that excited to hear from him when he texted me before, so if he drops off again, no big deal. I won't lie, I still have some false hope that I'll hear from Google one of these days, too. It takes everything in me not to email/IM/text to see how he is, how he's feeling, etc. I have to assume that he's fine, and if he wanted to hear from me, he would be in touch.
Here's to hoping that this weekend will leave me feeling restored and happy, I'm hoping for no tears on the trip.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sad. Happy. Fine.
For the past 3 days I've been an emotional roller coaster. Monday was a wash. I cried for the better part of the day, but spent it amongst good friends and my family. First stop was to my parents' house to drop off more food for my dog, he was staying there because I was supposed to be staying over in Philly from Sunday - Monday, and when those plans were canceled on Sunday afternoon, I was too upset at the time to tell my parents, and go pick him up. He was already there, so I let him stay there over night. The first thing my mom asks, of course, is how my night was. My eyes immediately welled up, and I managed to tell her that we broke up. Now, I'm not saying my mom is happy about this, because she doesn't want to see me upset, but my parents have a dream of me marrying someone Jewish... and well, now that door is open for her once again. I didn't stay long, couldn't really handle it at the time, and left to have lunch/coffee with friends. I hadn't eaten anything in over 24 hours, and forced myself to eat some lunch, which did me no good, because it just made me sick to my stomach anyway. For the past 6 or 7 days now I've been existing on loads of caffeine and approximately one small meal a day (so I don't pass out), my stomach doesn't do well with food & upset. Food = Happy for me. Sad = LOTS of coffee. This may have something to do with why I'm not sleeping well either. Hmm. Anyway, after spending some good girl time, I headed back to my parents where I zoned out in front of the TV for a while, made the mistake of watching the episode of How I Met Your Mother, which I had missed last Monday, and that made me cry. Not because it was sad, but the show reminds me of Google. At dinner with my parents and grandma, I just sat there and tears were streaming down my face, I couldn't even help it. I tried to stop, I've never had this kind of emotional reaction to a break up EVER before. I've been there for friends who have had this kind of thing happen to them, but for me, this was BRAND NEW. And for my parents and grandmother too. I pulled it together, but didn't eat much, since lunch had done nothing good for me. I was zoning out again in front of the tv, when my mom asked me if I wanted any dessert. Oh dear lord, I started crying again. Because dessert reminded me of Google. SERIOUSLY?? Is this the kind of girl I've become?? Is this what happens when someone you really like breaks up with you? I think with all my other break ups I had been way more mentally prepared for them. This didn't take me off guard, I did know it was coming, but I think I didn't prepare myself for it, why should I? We had only been dating less than 2 months, The Bad Kisser was about the same amount of time, and that didn't even affect me in the least. Granted, I didn't really like the Bad Kisser. So, I really liked Google, and he bruised my heart (I refuse to say he broke my heart - because that's a little excessive - don't you think?), and I was sad for an entire day. I had no idea how I would make it back at school the next day. Most people knew, because they read this, or could gather from Facebook posts that not all was well. But there was still the few who would come into my room, with big expectations that I would have some story of my exciting weekend. I only teared up once at school, when I had to tell my co-teacher, other than that, I was pretty much ok. Kids really keep you busy, and they keep your mind off things. And if they think you're sad (and they like you), they are extra good, and sweet. And since we missed school before Valentine's Day, there was a lot of gift giving from the kids, cards and candy, which rather made up for my rather sucky Valentine's Day anyway. My school Valentine's Days are always WAY better than my adult ones.
This brings us to 6th period on Tuesday. I have some fantastic, if not very opinionated, co-workers who I spend my prep time with. They all come from very different perspectives when it comes to giving me advice, and they proceeded to embark on 2 hour tirade which consisted of them completing tearing me apart, breaking this down as to how this whole break up was probably my fault anyway, and what was wrong with me in relationships. Ok, that sounds really harsh, and trust me, most of it was... but I felt really good the entire time we were having this discussion. It helps to see how other people see you, even if the most hurtful things come out. I don't accept criticism. I know. I like to be right. I know this too. I'm defensive. I like to be in control. All of this is nothing new to me, but hearing it from 3 people who see me on a day to day basis, it does open my mind up that maybe there are things about me that I should be dealing with before I jump into the next relationship. Basically it came down to this, What is it about me that attracts the same guy, over and over? Really, Google was just 7 years older version of Mr. Perfect. Parts of his life were more together than Mr. P's, but 7 years ago, he was probably not all that different. I left school feeling great. It sounds weird, but I felt like it was a good break through, and all of this is manageable. I went out to dinner with 2 of my best friends, and I was fine. One of my best friends is convinced that Mr. Perfect is actually "the one" and I just don't know it yet. I don't agree, but it's interesting how set she is on that. We talked, I ate (that made 2 meals for yesterday & dessert, with no tears!), and I went home feeling good and full.
I made the mistake of logging onto Match last night, just to see, my profile is hidden so no one can see if I'm on it or not, and no one can contact me or vice versa. I'm really not ready for it yet. But, I checked and sure enough, Google was already back on and had removed me from his favorites. Well, obviously he would, but just seeing that, made the hurt come back ten fold, and then having eaten such a large dinner was not a good idea. I immediately got nauseous and really upset. I just couldn't believe he was already actively dating, 2 days later. Or at least trying to. I decided it was better to go try and sleep it off than stay up and obsess over it. I slept well until about 3:30, and then couldn't get back to sleep until about 5:30, and my alarm goes off at 6. I was still feeling sick this morning, but I can't let this interfere with my life, so I went to work. First period was abysmal. I couldn't get my head on straight, my students were definitely picking up on my bad mood, putting them into a bad/unproductive mood, and it was not a good class. Thankfully, during my 2nd period break, with the help of colleagues, I got it together and figured out something to do during the next period, which was a good thing because I had my final observation sprung on me, as a surprise right as the period was starting. I knew it was coming sometime this week or next, but I thought because of the snow, it would probably be next. Thankfully all went well, and my final observation as a non-tenured teacher is over! Again, I left school today feeling much better than I came in. No tears today either.
I'm going to be fine. I'm ALWAYS fine. This time though, I actually want to be better than fine. I do want to take my friends' advice and figure out what is it about me that attracts guys with severe depression issues? And why do I want to stay with them through it. Seriously, I can't say that even knowing what I've been through, if Google changed his mind, I wouldn't be interested in trying this out again. KNOWING that he'll have another phase where he'd shut me out, and knowing how hurt that makes me, I'd still do it. That worries me. Because I shouldn't. Because no one in their right mind should care about how another person feels more than how they feel themselves. And that's what it was with Google, for at least the past 2-3 weeks. I was so concerned with his feelings, that I never wanted to tell him how I was feeling about his lack of communication, or that it hurt my feelings when he wouldn't ask me about me, I never wanted to upset him, so I avoided conversations like that. I didn't want to push him. And when I did finally push him, it was because I knew we were going to break up. I'd probably still be sitting around today, wondering what was going on, if I hadn't forced that conversation. I know all this, yet I know that I'd do it again, if he wanted to. That is not fine, and I know that. That's what I need to work on.
Do I think the sad part is over? Not at all. I imagine I'm going to have more bad nights and mornings, and that's part of this process. And I know that there is so much happiness in my life. I am so lucky to have the love in my life, and be able to appreciate it. And for now, I am fine. I'm just hoping sooner rather than later, I'll be better than fine, and back to happy all the time.
This brings us to 6th period on Tuesday. I have some fantastic, if not very opinionated, co-workers who I spend my prep time with. They all come from very different perspectives when it comes to giving me advice, and they proceeded to embark on 2 hour tirade which consisted of them completing tearing me apart, breaking this down as to how this whole break up was probably my fault anyway, and what was wrong with me in relationships. Ok, that sounds really harsh, and trust me, most of it was... but I felt really good the entire time we were having this discussion. It helps to see how other people see you, even if the most hurtful things come out. I don't accept criticism. I know. I like to be right. I know this too. I'm defensive. I like to be in control. All of this is nothing new to me, but hearing it from 3 people who see me on a day to day basis, it does open my mind up that maybe there are things about me that I should be dealing with before I jump into the next relationship. Basically it came down to this, What is it about me that attracts the same guy, over and over? Really, Google was just 7 years older version of Mr. Perfect. Parts of his life were more together than Mr. P's, but 7 years ago, he was probably not all that different. I left school feeling great. It sounds weird, but I felt like it was a good break through, and all of this is manageable. I went out to dinner with 2 of my best friends, and I was fine. One of my best friends is convinced that Mr. Perfect is actually "the one" and I just don't know it yet. I don't agree, but it's interesting how set she is on that. We talked, I ate (that made 2 meals for yesterday & dessert, with no tears!), and I went home feeling good and full.
I made the mistake of logging onto Match last night, just to see, my profile is hidden so no one can see if I'm on it or not, and no one can contact me or vice versa. I'm really not ready for it yet. But, I checked and sure enough, Google was already back on and had removed me from his favorites. Well, obviously he would, but just seeing that, made the hurt come back ten fold, and then having eaten such a large dinner was not a good idea. I immediately got nauseous and really upset. I just couldn't believe he was already actively dating, 2 days later. Or at least trying to. I decided it was better to go try and sleep it off than stay up and obsess over it. I slept well until about 3:30, and then couldn't get back to sleep until about 5:30, and my alarm goes off at 6. I was still feeling sick this morning, but I can't let this interfere with my life, so I went to work. First period was abysmal. I couldn't get my head on straight, my students were definitely picking up on my bad mood, putting them into a bad/unproductive mood, and it was not a good class. Thankfully, during my 2nd period break, with the help of colleagues, I got it together and figured out something to do during the next period, which was a good thing because I had my final observation sprung on me, as a surprise right as the period was starting. I knew it was coming sometime this week or next, but I thought because of the snow, it would probably be next. Thankfully all went well, and my final observation as a non-tenured teacher is over! Again, I left school today feeling much better than I came in. No tears today either.
I'm going to be fine. I'm ALWAYS fine. This time though, I actually want to be better than fine. I do want to take my friends' advice and figure out what is it about me that attracts guys with severe depression issues? And why do I want to stay with them through it. Seriously, I can't say that even knowing what I've been through, if Google changed his mind, I wouldn't be interested in trying this out again. KNOWING that he'll have another phase where he'd shut me out, and knowing how hurt that makes me, I'd still do it. That worries me. Because I shouldn't. Because no one in their right mind should care about how another person feels more than how they feel themselves. And that's what it was with Google, for at least the past 2-3 weeks. I was so concerned with his feelings, that I never wanted to tell him how I was feeling about his lack of communication, or that it hurt my feelings when he wouldn't ask me about me, I never wanted to upset him, so I avoided conversations like that. I didn't want to push him. And when I did finally push him, it was because I knew we were going to break up. I'd probably still be sitting around today, wondering what was going on, if I hadn't forced that conversation. I know all this, yet I know that I'd do it again, if he wanted to. That is not fine, and I know that. That's what I need to work on.
Do I think the sad part is over? Not at all. I imagine I'm going to have more bad nights and mornings, and that's part of this process. And I know that there is so much happiness in my life. I am so lucky to have the love in my life, and be able to appreciate it. And for now, I am fine. I'm just hoping sooner rather than later, I'll be better than fine, and back to happy all the time.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Risk
Tonight I took a risk. I knew how it was going to end, and it wasn't going to make me happy. But I had to do it, and after all is said and done, I am glad I did. I obviously had been feeling that Google wasn't really into this for a while, it amazes me that guys think they are being so slick with their feelings, when they really are totally transparent. So was I totally surprised when Google told me today that he'd rather be alone than see me? Not really. Was I really hurt and upset? Yes. Not because it's Valentine's Day, but I was being shut out and it hurt me more than if he had just been honest. I was at the library when I sent him a text, asking if we still had plans, and he responded that he just wanted to be alone. I responded with something, I don't remember what, but I didn't hear back from him. Being at the library, means I'm online ALL the time. It's a good thing I have a job that doesn't allow me to be online all the time, I would never get ANYTHING done. (I don't know how all you people do it!) Anyway, Mr. Perfect was online too, and he was texting me to see how I was. We talk occasionally on IM, and I hadn't seen him since I took him out for his birthday in October, but he's someone who can give me a pretty good perspective from the guy's point of view and from someone who has dealt with these same issues before. He offered to meet up with me after my shift at the library and go for coffee, so we could talk. I agreed, for a few reasons, one selfish one of not wanting to be alone and miserable, and another for actually really needing to talk to someone about what was bothering me that could actually relate to the opposite side.
We had coffee not far from the library, and talked for a few hours. He offered to take me to a movie tonight, so I wouldn't have to be alone, but I opted for being alone. However... when I got home, I was talking to one of my friends, and after a lot of me spewing out loads of nonsense and hurtful things, I realized that I needed to end things with Google. This was not making me feel good or making me happy anymore. I'm not walking around with the smile I once was, instead I'm fighting back tears anytime anyone asks me about him. So, the only thing to do? Force him to talk to me, and break up. I think I knew it was what he wanted too. I mean depression is one thing, but to actively push someone away this way, speaks much louder than just being depressed. So, I drove over to Google's. I texted him before I left, saying I was coming over, regardless of the outcome, we were having this conversation TONIGHT. I called when I was near his place. No response to either the text or the call. However, not only did I find a parking spot on a night where it was near impossible to park ANYWHERE in the city, I found a spot that was facing his house, directly in front of his street. I could virtually stalk him from there, should I need to. Which is pretty much what I sent in the next text, I said, I found a spot on ___ street, and I'll stay here all night if I have to. No response. Half an hour goes by, and still nothing, so I text again... that it's pretty chilly, but I'm not leaving without having this conversation. He texts me back that he's not home, and I should just go home. Well, that just about made me lose it right there. He couldn't see me but he could go out! Oh hell no. So I texted him back that very statement, and he said, he didn't want to talk to me, and I should go home. Well now it felt like it was turning into a power struggle, and I told him that I came here to talk to him, he needs to come home from wherever he is and talk to me. He replies that he doesn't want to. I sent another scathing text that I have done everything he has ever wanted in this relationship, and the one thing I ask for is a conversation, and he can't give that to me? To which he responds that he wants to break up, and has been feeling this way for a while now. Awesome. I text back, come say it to my face. He responds that he will, in the morning, he'll drive over to my house and we'll talk. No need, I respond, I'll sleep in the car, no biggie. (No response from him) I text him that why doesn't he come home from wherever he is, have this 5 minute conversation with me, and I'll drive him back to wherever he is. Keep in mind throughout all of this, I am raging mad. Furious. I'm imagining he's out at the bar with his friends, they're all laughing at me as I'm sitting in my car waiting for him, and they're telling him what to say, etc. I get a text back from my last one (offering to drive him back to the bar once he's done talking to me...), that he lied, he's home, has been the whole time, and he's coming down to let me in. Oh dear. So my rage quickly turns then, I mean he REALLY did not want to see me, bad enough that he was going to lie to me, be REALLY mean to me through text in the hopes that I would turn around and go home. Well I didn't. And in the end, I'm glad I held my ground.
He comes down, and when I say this boy looks like hell, it hardly does it justice. Now I will always think that he is adorable, no matter what, but he hadn't shaved (possibly showered even?) for days, when we got up to his apartment there were bags of food, girl scout cookies... It did not look like a healthy environment. It makes me really sad to see him that way. It was probably the most heart breaking moment of the evening. I wanted to cry for how bad he must be feeling. But I held my ground, didn't even take off my coat or gloves. I made him tell me how he was feeling - he says he isn't sure about his feelings towards me, but right now does not want to continue dating. This is pretty sad for me, because it's been a long time since I've really liked a guy this much, but I'm glad he was honest with me. I can start getting over it and move on. He goes on to say how he wants us to be friends, and maybe someday he'll feel differently... I don't know if I can handle that so much. That sense of false hope, I'm not going to wait around for him to figure out if this is what he wants or how he feels. I'm going to be sad, and deal with it, and move on. I gave him his Valentine's Day present, which was a cookbook that he really wanted, he looked at it on our first date, and we went to the chef's restaurant for his birthday, so it holds a lot of meaning for me about him. And I knew he really wanted it. He got a little choked up, and teary, which of course made me get a little choked up... but I knew I had to leave. He kissed me goodbye, and said he was sure he'd see me sometime soon (I don't know how that's going to happen), and I left. A bit broken hearted, but a bit stronger knowing that I did the right thing.
I would have spent who knows how many days waiting for him to talk to me after this weekend. Yes, I'm sad that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but I don't have all these feelings of anxiety and worry about what will happen next. So, I took a big risk with Google. I put my heart out there, and it got returned a little bit bruised and beaten. But I don't regret a single moment of it, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I will miss him, and I can't imagine getting back out there again. But I know I will, I don't ever stay out of the game for long.
We had coffee not far from the library, and talked for a few hours. He offered to take me to a movie tonight, so I wouldn't have to be alone, but I opted for being alone. However... when I got home, I was talking to one of my friends, and after a lot of me spewing out loads of nonsense and hurtful things, I realized that I needed to end things with Google. This was not making me feel good or making me happy anymore. I'm not walking around with the smile I once was, instead I'm fighting back tears anytime anyone asks me about him. So, the only thing to do? Force him to talk to me, and break up. I think I knew it was what he wanted too. I mean depression is one thing, but to actively push someone away this way, speaks much louder than just being depressed. So, I drove over to Google's. I texted him before I left, saying I was coming over, regardless of the outcome, we were having this conversation TONIGHT. I called when I was near his place. No response to either the text or the call. However, not only did I find a parking spot on a night where it was near impossible to park ANYWHERE in the city, I found a spot that was facing his house, directly in front of his street. I could virtually stalk him from there, should I need to. Which is pretty much what I sent in the next text, I said, I found a spot on ___ street, and I'll stay here all night if I have to. No response. Half an hour goes by, and still nothing, so I text again... that it's pretty chilly, but I'm not leaving without having this conversation. He texts me back that he's not home, and I should just go home. Well, that just about made me lose it right there. He couldn't see me but he could go out! Oh hell no. So I texted him back that very statement, and he said, he didn't want to talk to me, and I should go home. Well now it felt like it was turning into a power struggle, and I told him that I came here to talk to him, he needs to come home from wherever he is and talk to me. He replies that he doesn't want to. I sent another scathing text that I have done everything he has ever wanted in this relationship, and the one thing I ask for is a conversation, and he can't give that to me? To which he responds that he wants to break up, and has been feeling this way for a while now. Awesome. I text back, come say it to my face. He responds that he will, in the morning, he'll drive over to my house and we'll talk. No need, I respond, I'll sleep in the car, no biggie. (No response from him) I text him that why doesn't he come home from wherever he is, have this 5 minute conversation with me, and I'll drive him back to wherever he is. Keep in mind throughout all of this, I am raging mad. Furious. I'm imagining he's out at the bar with his friends, they're all laughing at me as I'm sitting in my car waiting for him, and they're telling him what to say, etc. I get a text back from my last one (offering to drive him back to the bar once he's done talking to me...), that he lied, he's home, has been the whole time, and he's coming down to let me in. Oh dear. So my rage quickly turns then, I mean he REALLY did not want to see me, bad enough that he was going to lie to me, be REALLY mean to me through text in the hopes that I would turn around and go home. Well I didn't. And in the end, I'm glad I held my ground.
He comes down, and when I say this boy looks like hell, it hardly does it justice. Now I will always think that he is adorable, no matter what, but he hadn't shaved (possibly showered even?) for days, when we got up to his apartment there were bags of food, girl scout cookies... It did not look like a healthy environment. It makes me really sad to see him that way. It was probably the most heart breaking moment of the evening. I wanted to cry for how bad he must be feeling. But I held my ground, didn't even take off my coat or gloves. I made him tell me how he was feeling - he says he isn't sure about his feelings towards me, but right now does not want to continue dating. This is pretty sad for me, because it's been a long time since I've really liked a guy this much, but I'm glad he was honest with me. I can start getting over it and move on. He goes on to say how he wants us to be friends, and maybe someday he'll feel differently... I don't know if I can handle that so much. That sense of false hope, I'm not going to wait around for him to figure out if this is what he wants or how he feels. I'm going to be sad, and deal with it, and move on. I gave him his Valentine's Day present, which was a cookbook that he really wanted, he looked at it on our first date, and we went to the chef's restaurant for his birthday, so it holds a lot of meaning for me about him. And I knew he really wanted it. He got a little choked up, and teary, which of course made me get a little choked up... but I knew I had to leave. He kissed me goodbye, and said he was sure he'd see me sometime soon (I don't know how that's going to happen), and I left. A bit broken hearted, but a bit stronger knowing that I did the right thing.
I would have spent who knows how many days waiting for him to talk to me after this weekend. Yes, I'm sad that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but I don't have all these feelings of anxiety and worry about what will happen next. So, I took a big risk with Google. I put my heart out there, and it got returned a little bit bruised and beaten. But I don't regret a single moment of it, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I will miss him, and I can't imagine getting back out there again. But I know I will, I don't ever stay out of the game for long.
And now for something completely different.
I've been having a really rough weekend when it comes to Google. (A bad 3 day weekend - go figure!) Except this started during the week, and I haven't seen him since I left his house Monday morning, almost a week ago. I've been really trying to be patient with him, but he is completely shutting me out. I was ok with not seeing him during the snow days, it was really bad outside. The roads were awful, digging out was near impossible, especially in the city. By Friday though, I was getting a little antsy, and wanted to see him. Thursday night, I sent him a text to see if he wanted to have some lunch. My school was closed for a third snow day in a row, and he was working from home. I offered to take the speed line into Philly, and meet him somewhere near the train. This would have provided both of us with minimal travel, and we could have spent an hour or so together, despite the weather. Thursday night he responded that he'd be up for lunch, and he'd pick a place close to the train, so I wouldn't have to walk too far. By Friday morning however, the story was different. He had a headache. He didn't want to walk to Center City. He wanted to go back to bed and sleep all day. I was upset, I'm not going to lie. I was really looking forward to seeing him. What does he say?? "I was really looking forward to getting out of the house for lunch." Thanks. So I go about my day, do some retail therapy with my friends, go to work at the library that night. While I'm at the library, I notice Google is online, so I messaged him asking how his headache is. He responded that he slept all day, isn't feeling well, but not really putting anything into the conversation. Doesn't ask how I am. Doesn't ask how my day was. Nothing. I asked him if he was feeling up to going out, and maybe he could come by my place after I was done work. He said no, and said that on Sunday he'd drive over to my place, so I wouldn't have to find parking. Ok, so we still have plans for Sunday, that's good in my mind. I mention to him (which maybe in hindsight was my first mistake) that I was hoping to see him before Sunday, because I've been feeling kind of off about things, and I wanted to talk to him about it. He responds that he's not ready to talk to me and he has a doctor's appointment on Monday night, maybe he'll be ready to talk to me then. Ok, Monday... But now, I'm thinking, what about Sunday?? I respond that I want to do what's best for him, and that I'm not ready to walk away from this, but if he needs me to, I'll take a few steps back. He responds that we'll talk tomorrow or Sunday about it. I say that I'll email him with what I want to say, he says, don't email. So I don't. Instead I write a letter. A really nice heartfelt letter telling him how much I care about him and that I understand what he's going through, if he wants me to be there, I'll be there, and I put it in a really beautiful card. The problem is, how am I going to get it to him? Saturday I work all day, I don't hear from him all day, even though I see he's online all day. It takes everything in me not to message him, and see how he's doing. A few friends came to visit me at the library, so I got to share the card with them, and they agreed that I needed to give it to him before Sunday. So, after work, one of my friends and I drove into Philly, I taped the card to his door, texted him to check his front door, and left. I never heard back from him. That was at 6pm yesterday, and I still haven't even heard from him that he got the card. So, I went out with my friend, had some drinks, and came home and cried. It was a rather wretched Saturday, as far as Saturdays go...
I've been thinking back on how sad Google has made me these past few weeks, it's pretty reminiscent of my relationship with Mr. Perfect. I know depression is a serious issue, but I never really knew how much it truly transcends onto the others that have to deal with it. I broke up with Mr. Perfect because I gave him the ultimatum, get help for your depression (which I was very willing to stand by him, support him through, whatever) or we break up. He chose his depression over me. That hurt. And now I feel like I'm the same exact situation. Almost a year later, and these feelings of hurt and sadness are really prevalent in my life again. And Google is getting help for it. He sees someone for it, so it feels wrong for me to say, well because you're not as well as I want you to be, I'm done. But he seems to be doing that all on his own.
I've decided that if I don't hear from him by the end of today (especially since we had plans today - it really has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, although it makes it slightly more painful), I'm done. I don't need to surround myself with someone else's sadness if they're not even going to let me in to be there for them. I don't need to absorb his pain when he doesn't care how much he's hurting me. So a few giant steps may be coming at the end of today. Next weekend is the camping trip, which couldn't have come at a better time, and by the following weekend I may be out there scouring the market for new matches. I'm not really looking forward to starting over again, but the sooner I can detach myself from this, the better it will be for me in the long run.
I've been thinking back on how sad Google has made me these past few weeks, it's pretty reminiscent of my relationship with Mr. Perfect. I know depression is a serious issue, but I never really knew how much it truly transcends onto the others that have to deal with it. I broke up with Mr. Perfect because I gave him the ultimatum, get help for your depression (which I was very willing to stand by him, support him through, whatever) or we break up. He chose his depression over me. That hurt. And now I feel like I'm the same exact situation. Almost a year later, and these feelings of hurt and sadness are really prevalent in my life again. And Google is getting help for it. He sees someone for it, so it feels wrong for me to say, well because you're not as well as I want you to be, I'm done. But he seems to be doing that all on his own.
I've decided that if I don't hear from him by the end of today (especially since we had plans today - it really has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, although it makes it slightly more painful), I'm done. I don't need to surround myself with someone else's sadness if they're not even going to let me in to be there for them. I don't need to absorb his pain when he doesn't care how much he's hurting me. So a few giant steps may be coming at the end of today. Next weekend is the camping trip, which couldn't have come at a better time, and by the following weekend I may be out there scouring the market for new matches. I'm not really looking forward to starting over again, but the sooner I can detach myself from this, the better it will be for me in the long run.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Actions Speak Louder.
I cleaned my house. Being snowed in, the impending threat of Google coming to my house in the morning, drinking too much wine, all this played a part of the integral cleaning. So, it only took me a few hours (yes, hours - I have a lot of laundry), but my house was ready for company.
I wasn't originally really going to clean my house. Yes, I talked about cleaning it. But when push comes to shove, I'm all talk. I need REAL motivation to get me to actually clean. Real motivation = someone actually coming over my house. So, on Saturday, I didn't clean. I cooked, and watched some tv, and shoveled snow. I was not cleaning. I came in from shoveling, feeling pretty good. I needed to get out of my house, talk with my neighbors, human interaction is usually what I need when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I had some food and some wine. Ok, more wine than food. I was a little drunk, by myself at home, which was fine, except I was messaging Google, and told him he should come over my house. Despite having not cleaned at all, in my drunken stupor, this didn't seem to matter too much. He was going out with his neighbors anyway, and the roads were not ideal. I did not think he was going to take me up on my offer. So, I invited him over, took a bath, and went to sleep. Not thinking he'd ever take me up on this. At 2:30 in the morning, I got a text that he was coming over first thing in the morning, he'd come over now but he was drunk and the roads were still icy. I had been passed out since about 8 the night before (wine does that to me!) and when I got the text, I responded coolly that it would be fine if he came over in the morning. I was going to go back to sleep and get up at 6 to straighten up, is what I told him. He said he'd be over then at 7. Now, I've been dating Google for over 7 weeks at this point. And while I don't know a whole lot about him, I do know his sleep habits. He does not get up easily, nor willingly very often. He oversleeps all the time, and likes to sleep in late. I wasn't worried that if he went to sleep, drunk, at 3 am, he'd be up early enough to get to my house by 7. So again, I assured him it was fine. I tried going back to sleep, unsuccessfully. So I got up and actually started cleaning my house. My bedroom was the worst - I have WAY too many clothes, and really not enough room all of it. Some of it got shoved in the second bedroom. I cleaned, vacuumed, dusted. It was a cleaning frenzy. But it was done in time. At 6 am, I was pretty much finished, tying up some loose ends of cleaning, and around 9, I finally heard from him that he'd be over by 10. I was still pretty shocked. I showered, dressed, and finished any last minute cleaning that I thought was necessary.
He came over and brought breakfast, which was sweet, especially since I had been up since 3, with no food, just a lot of water to stave off the wine hangover. I gave him a brief tour of my house, and he seemed to like it. It's a great house, I know this, but compared to his spectacular apartment, mine feels a little antiquated. I'm really proud of owning my own house, and being able to support myself, and all of that, but he's been doing that for quite some time, and without 3 jobs! I don't think he's thinking any of this, but these are just some of my insecurities. We hung out for part of the day, he left around 2:30, because he had to do laundry/pack for his trip this week, and he was having people over for the Super Bowl, so he needed to do some cleaning too. I had a youth group event planned to watch the Super Bowl, so I was going to go over to his place after the game. I was hesitant to go over because of the snow, the street parking in Philly was going to be wretched. Originally the plan was I was going to park in front of Google's garage, since his flight was super early in the morning, and I was going to drive him to the airport. He found out later in the day that his flight had been canceled, so he wasn't going to be leaving, which meant I couldn't block his neighbors car in the garage, so I'd have to find street parking on really bad roads, late at night. No thanks. I was going to skip going to his place, since I already saw him that day, and he wasn't going away, I wasn't upset anymore about not seeing him. I got a text message from him while I was at the youth group event that he saved a parking spot for me on the street right in front of his house, so parking wouldn't be a problem. There was still the issue of me having to work the next day (2 hour delay and all, but still), the roads being less than ideal, and not getting over there until 11 at night. I decided that since he saved me a parking spot, it showed that he wanted me to come over enough, so I did. I left the youth group event, went home to let the dog out, then went over to Google's to spend the night. The night was nothing exciting, it was nice. We hung out at one of his neighbor's places for about half an hour once I got there, then went to bed. In the morning, he helped me with my car, because my tires are not really built for snow travel, and doesn't handle very well even in the slightest snow conditions.
I made it home just fine, AND he checked in to make sure I got home alright. I thought that was funny since I had JUST posted that I wanted him to do that, but I think it was again, purely coincidental. Also, I was driving home on snowy roads, he SHOULD be checking in to make sure I get home alright!
As far as this week goes, right now I'm being snowed in, yet again, by myself. I'm not feeling bad about it, mostly because I'm trying to think of this week as if he really was away on business (he decided not to go at all because he wouldn't have enough days in the office once he was there), and I wouldn't be seeing him this week anyway. Communication is still lacking when I don't see him. I want to know that it's not "out of sight, out of mind" for him. Just a little something to know that he's thinking of me occasionally throughout the day. He did add me to his Google family and friends list, so I got my Google Buzz yesterday, which I think everyone will get/has already gotten in the next few days anyway. But that's the most I've gotten from him lately. I mentioned at one point over the weekend that it's been a while since we've gone out. The last time we were out to dinner was for his birthday and that was with his neighbors, not just us, the time before that was the Pour House. He mentioned that we'd be going out on Sunday (Valentine's Day) and that he was off on Monday too, though he never asked me if I had plans or not, so he's just assuming we're doing something. I have work that day, and like the last 3 day weekend, I am off on Monday. I don't want it to be like the last time where it ended with me being disappointed, because we didn't have specific plans, and I hoped for something more.
Hopefully this weekend will be better than the last 3 day weekend, maybe I should try to figure out what we're doing BEFORE the weekend, so I'm not left disappointed once again.
I wasn't originally really going to clean my house. Yes, I talked about cleaning it. But when push comes to shove, I'm all talk. I need REAL motivation to get me to actually clean. Real motivation = someone actually coming over my house. So, on Saturday, I didn't clean. I cooked, and watched some tv, and shoveled snow. I was not cleaning. I came in from shoveling, feeling pretty good. I needed to get out of my house, talk with my neighbors, human interaction is usually what I need when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I had some food and some wine. Ok, more wine than food. I was a little drunk, by myself at home, which was fine, except I was messaging Google, and told him he should come over my house. Despite having not cleaned at all, in my drunken stupor, this didn't seem to matter too much. He was going out with his neighbors anyway, and the roads were not ideal. I did not think he was going to take me up on my offer. So, I invited him over, took a bath, and went to sleep. Not thinking he'd ever take me up on this. At 2:30 in the morning, I got a text that he was coming over first thing in the morning, he'd come over now but he was drunk and the roads were still icy. I had been passed out since about 8 the night before (wine does that to me!) and when I got the text, I responded coolly that it would be fine if he came over in the morning. I was going to go back to sleep and get up at 6 to straighten up, is what I told him. He said he'd be over then at 7. Now, I've been dating Google for over 7 weeks at this point. And while I don't know a whole lot about him, I do know his sleep habits. He does not get up easily, nor willingly very often. He oversleeps all the time, and likes to sleep in late. I wasn't worried that if he went to sleep, drunk, at 3 am, he'd be up early enough to get to my house by 7. So again, I assured him it was fine. I tried going back to sleep, unsuccessfully. So I got up and actually started cleaning my house. My bedroom was the worst - I have WAY too many clothes, and really not enough room all of it. Some of it got shoved in the second bedroom. I cleaned, vacuumed, dusted. It was a cleaning frenzy. But it was done in time. At 6 am, I was pretty much finished, tying up some loose ends of cleaning, and around 9, I finally heard from him that he'd be over by 10. I was still pretty shocked. I showered, dressed, and finished any last minute cleaning that I thought was necessary.
He came over and brought breakfast, which was sweet, especially since I had been up since 3, with no food, just a lot of water to stave off the wine hangover. I gave him a brief tour of my house, and he seemed to like it. It's a great house, I know this, but compared to his spectacular apartment, mine feels a little antiquated. I'm really proud of owning my own house, and being able to support myself, and all of that, but he's been doing that for quite some time, and without 3 jobs! I don't think he's thinking any of this, but these are just some of my insecurities. We hung out for part of the day, he left around 2:30, because he had to do laundry/pack for his trip this week, and he was having people over for the Super Bowl, so he needed to do some cleaning too. I had a youth group event planned to watch the Super Bowl, so I was going to go over to his place after the game. I was hesitant to go over because of the snow, the street parking in Philly was going to be wretched. Originally the plan was I was going to park in front of Google's garage, since his flight was super early in the morning, and I was going to drive him to the airport. He found out later in the day that his flight had been canceled, so he wasn't going to be leaving, which meant I couldn't block his neighbors car in the garage, so I'd have to find street parking on really bad roads, late at night. No thanks. I was going to skip going to his place, since I already saw him that day, and he wasn't going away, I wasn't upset anymore about not seeing him. I got a text message from him while I was at the youth group event that he saved a parking spot for me on the street right in front of his house, so parking wouldn't be a problem. There was still the issue of me having to work the next day (2 hour delay and all, but still), the roads being less than ideal, and not getting over there until 11 at night. I decided that since he saved me a parking spot, it showed that he wanted me to come over enough, so I did. I left the youth group event, went home to let the dog out, then went over to Google's to spend the night. The night was nothing exciting, it was nice. We hung out at one of his neighbor's places for about half an hour once I got there, then went to bed. In the morning, he helped me with my car, because my tires are not really built for snow travel, and doesn't handle very well even in the slightest snow conditions.
I made it home just fine, AND he checked in to make sure I got home alright. I thought that was funny since I had JUST posted that I wanted him to do that, but I think it was again, purely coincidental. Also, I was driving home on snowy roads, he SHOULD be checking in to make sure I get home alright!
As far as this week goes, right now I'm being snowed in, yet again, by myself. I'm not feeling bad about it, mostly because I'm trying to think of this week as if he really was away on business (he decided not to go at all because he wouldn't have enough days in the office once he was there), and I wouldn't be seeing him this week anyway. Communication is still lacking when I don't see him. I want to know that it's not "out of sight, out of mind" for him. Just a little something to know that he's thinking of me occasionally throughout the day. He did add me to his Google family and friends list, so I got my Google Buzz yesterday, which I think everyone will get/has already gotten in the next few days anyway. But that's the most I've gotten from him lately. I mentioned at one point over the weekend that it's been a while since we've gone out. The last time we were out to dinner was for his birthday and that was with his neighbors, not just us, the time before that was the Pour House. He mentioned that we'd be going out on Sunday (Valentine's Day) and that he was off on Monday too, though he never asked me if I had plans or not, so he's just assuming we're doing something. I have work that day, and like the last 3 day weekend, I am off on Monday. I don't want it to be like the last time where it ended with me being disappointed, because we didn't have specific plans, and I hoped for something more.
Hopefully this weekend will be better than the last 3 day weekend, maybe I should try to figure out what we're doing BEFORE the weekend, so I'm not left disappointed once again.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Snow Changes Everything.
7 weeks ago, we were hit with an enormous snowstorm. Record breaking numbers of snow fell, and I was lamenting the state my love life was in (although I had JUST gone on my first date with Google, 2 days prior to that storm). I was feeling sorry for myself, for being single, for not liking how my life was at that very moment, for being stuck inside with just my family while they all had someone. Fast forward one week, and there is a blizzard in Kansas which prevents Google from going home, leading us to our second date, and what I consider to be the actual beginning of our relationship. Fast forward another 6 weeks, and we have yet another snow storm. More record breaking numbers plaguing the area, trapping people wherever they ended up Friday night. Me? Am I blogging this secretly from Google's computer while he sleeps? I wish. No. (and I would NEVER!) I'm home by myself, and I am honestly NOT happy about it.
Maybe I am overreacting. We had plans to go out on Friday night. He was going to meet my friends FINALLY. I've met a lot of his friends, and this is the ONE time I asked him to come to something, mainly because it's the first time we've had something to plan. He was going to come to Debbie's show with my other best friend and her husband, and then Saturday (today), we were going to go snow tubing with his friends, somewhere outside the city. On Thursday, I had a horrible day, wasn't feeling well, and when I came home, he IMed me to tell me that we were expecting a "paralyzing" amount of snow, and he'd pay me back for the ticket I bought for him. Wait, what? I hadn't even sat down yet to process how I would handle the ticket situation, and he's offering to pay me back for his ticket. I was already looking into changing the ticket dates, but I had to wait for my other friends to let me know when was good for them. My friend finally got back to me late Thursday night, and I sent Google a message to let him know that we'd be going to the show at the end of the month instead of Friday, due to the impending snowstorm. He responds with, ok, I'm going to go to my friend's birthday party then. Note, there is NO mention of me joining him, or seeing me at all on Friday. He obviously is well aware of the snowstorm, and that if I don't see him on Friday, there's a good chance I won't get to see him all weekend, until next weekend. I'm not going to let on that this bothers me in the least, and I just say that's fine, and move on. He goes on about his cat peeing all over his bedroom again, and how it will be better the next time I'm there. The next time I'm there? He says, Saturday. I reply - this Saturday or next? And then there is a bit of a miscommunication about what day we're talking about, and eventually ends with his saying, well which Saturday would I like? And of course, I want to see him today, but I knew on Thursday that if it snowed as bad as they were predicting, that wasn't going to be an option. And I told him that. His response, we'll see. What does THAT mean?
I didn't hear from him ALL day yesterday. I sent him a message around 8 or 9, telling him to have fun, but to be careful getting around the city. And I never heard back from him. This upsets me, and frustrates me for so many reasons. First of all, we HAD plans for this weekend. I'm not sure how the snow made it so we had NO plans at all. He's also traveling on Monday for the whole week, so the next time I'll even be able to see him is next Saturday. It's fine if I don't see him for a week, but it feels like I'm putting so much more out there in this relationship than he is. If anything, this has caused me to evaluate the relationship, and is this something that I really want. Do I want to date someone who doesn't check in with me, to see how I'm doing, to make sure I'm safe when I get home (he doesn't, he does tell me to drive safely - when I leave HIS place late at night/early in the morning, but he never texts to make sure I get home alright, which was a huge issue with the bad kisser) Do I want to date someone who doesn't seem all that interested in meeting my friends, when they are a huge part of my life. He doesn't ask me many questions, so I feel all he knows about me, are things I've offered. He doesn't ask me how my day is, when I tell him that I had a bad day, he doesn't ask me why, or show any kind of sympathy greater than "that sucks." I know he's been single for over 5 years. And after time, you get used to just worrying about you, and being in a relationship is a learning curve for both people... and I'm really trying. And the worst/best part of it all? I really like him. 100%, not a doubt in my mind how I feel about him. I can see myself in a relationship with him for a long time. I have no idea how he feels about me. When we're together - I think I know. But as soon as there are days between when we last saw each other, I start to wonder.
So, right now, I'm snowed in. Again. And this time, I'm really alone. Not with my family wishing I had someone to cuddle with alone, like really and truly in my house, with no one here. At this point, I'm not sure what will happen, I'm waiting to see what this snow fall will bring.
Maybe I am overreacting. We had plans to go out on Friday night. He was going to meet my friends FINALLY. I've met a lot of his friends, and this is the ONE time I asked him to come to something, mainly because it's the first time we've had something to plan. He was going to come to Debbie's show with my other best friend and her husband, and then Saturday (today), we were going to go snow tubing with his friends, somewhere outside the city. On Thursday, I had a horrible day, wasn't feeling well, and when I came home, he IMed me to tell me that we were expecting a "paralyzing" amount of snow, and he'd pay me back for the ticket I bought for him. Wait, what? I hadn't even sat down yet to process how I would handle the ticket situation, and he's offering to pay me back for his ticket. I was already looking into changing the ticket dates, but I had to wait for my other friends to let me know when was good for them. My friend finally got back to me late Thursday night, and I sent Google a message to let him know that we'd be going to the show at the end of the month instead of Friday, due to the impending snowstorm. He responds with, ok, I'm going to go to my friend's birthday party then. Note, there is NO mention of me joining him, or seeing me at all on Friday. He obviously is well aware of the snowstorm, and that if I don't see him on Friday, there's a good chance I won't get to see him all weekend, until next weekend. I'm not going to let on that this bothers me in the least, and I just say that's fine, and move on. He goes on about his cat peeing all over his bedroom again, and how it will be better the next time I'm there. The next time I'm there? He says, Saturday. I reply - this Saturday or next? And then there is a bit of a miscommunication about what day we're talking about, and eventually ends with his saying, well which Saturday would I like? And of course, I want to see him today, but I knew on Thursday that if it snowed as bad as they were predicting, that wasn't going to be an option. And I told him that. His response, we'll see. What does THAT mean?
I didn't hear from him ALL day yesterday. I sent him a message around 8 or 9, telling him to have fun, but to be careful getting around the city. And I never heard back from him. This upsets me, and frustrates me for so many reasons. First of all, we HAD plans for this weekend. I'm not sure how the snow made it so we had NO plans at all. He's also traveling on Monday for the whole week, so the next time I'll even be able to see him is next Saturday. It's fine if I don't see him for a week, but it feels like I'm putting so much more out there in this relationship than he is. If anything, this has caused me to evaluate the relationship, and is this something that I really want. Do I want to date someone who doesn't check in with me, to see how I'm doing, to make sure I'm safe when I get home (he doesn't, he does tell me to drive safely - when I leave HIS place late at night/early in the morning, but he never texts to make sure I get home alright, which was a huge issue with the bad kisser) Do I want to date someone who doesn't seem all that interested in meeting my friends, when they are a huge part of my life. He doesn't ask me many questions, so I feel all he knows about me, are things I've offered. He doesn't ask me how my day is, when I tell him that I had a bad day, he doesn't ask me why, or show any kind of sympathy greater than "that sucks." I know he's been single for over 5 years. And after time, you get used to just worrying about you, and being in a relationship is a learning curve for both people... and I'm really trying. And the worst/best part of it all? I really like him. 100%, not a doubt in my mind how I feel about him. I can see myself in a relationship with him for a long time. I have no idea how he feels about me. When we're together - I think I know. But as soon as there are days between when we last saw each other, I start to wonder.
So, right now, I'm snowed in. Again. And this time, I'm really alone. Not with my family wishing I had someone to cuddle with alone, like really and truly in my house, with no one here. At this point, I'm not sure what will happen, I'm waiting to see what this snow fall will bring.
Monday, February 01, 2010
20 point checklist.
On Saturday the weather was less than ideal, snowy and the roads were slippery. Yet, Google and I proceeded to go out to his friend's party which happened to be a mere 5 minutes from my house. Probably walkable had it been really necessary. It wasn't, but still. So Google picks me up, and I have my purse and a bag with clothes for staying over his place. He looks at my stuff and says, That's a lot of stuff for a party. I responded that I wasn't being presumptuous but I needed to bring clothes for work the next day, just in case I was staying over. He responded that he had planned on staying at my place, since the roads were so bad and we were so close to my place anyway. Unfortunately for him, that's not an option. My house is a mess. Not like sort of messy. Like a certifiable mess, boarding on the verge of someone calling the show Hoarders on me. Ok, maybe not THAT bad. But you can't see my dining room table. And I have more clothes not in my closet and drawers than I do in. So it's bad. And I'm not going to bring ANYONE into my house like this. I've had PLENTY of time to get my house together, but it seems like every night I have free, I usually end up doing something for work, or going to the gym, or seeing Google. So I really don't have that much free time.
Anyway, we get to this party, where we're greeted warmly by his friends from California. The first thing the wife asks me if we can be friends on facebook, because she feels stalkerish looking at all my pictures when we're not friends. Of course, I agreed, and while we're not yet facebook friends, at least I know she's looking at my pictures. She then proceeds to tell Google that after spending 3 days with his mom (she flew out Google's mom for a work event), she now knows what's wrong with him. I look at him curiously, and ask what IS wrong with him exactly. His friend goes on to talk about his mom's 20 point checklist that she had to go through upon checking into the hotel, and other subsequent idiosyncrasies that she learned about through this visit. A 20 point checklist was what stood out in my mind. I'm not sure that I want someone to come into my house with any potential checklist in mind. Now, I know that Google is not his mother, but apparently according to his friend, it explains so many things that are wrong with him. This makes me nervous. And on top of that, his friend goes on to tell me that should I ever meet Google's mom, that I need to call her first, so she can fully prepare for the enormity that would be that visit. Scary.
I don't have a problems with moms, per se. It's just that I've never dated a guy who had a mom that liked me. To be fair, I've only met the moms of two of the guys I've dated. First was the guy who I lived with, and his was his step-mother. She was a controlling bitch. Sorry, but she was. About 4 months into my relationship with this guy, she and her husband tried to get him to break up with me by telling him that I wasn't good enough and no one would ever love him as much as his parents did. Creepy. I met his real mother once or twice (she lived far away in another state), and she was very nice to me, and supposedly liked me a lot. But that wasn't the family experience I had to experience for over 2 years with this guy. I read recently that my ex is married now, which is wonderful for him. But I also read that his parents ruined his wedding, which doesn't surprise me one bit. He posted how much his parents tried to control his wedding, and make it all about them. It sounds like everything they ever tried to do when we were together. I'm so glad that's not me. My other parental experience was with Mr. Perfect's parents. His dad was wonderful and very nice to me all the time. His mother, well, she wasn't very nice to anyone to be honest. In the year and a half that we were together, I never once saw her hug Mr. Perfect or tell him that she loved him, or anything affectionate that a mother should do. Mr Perfect insists that his mom did like me, she's just like that with everyone. And that very well could be the case. She just never made me feel welcome, or accepted at family functions. His grandma was another story. She loved me, and sent me cards, and baked us cookies. She was great. But when it comes to mothers, I have an 0 for 2 track record.
I don't anticipate having the opportunity to meet Google's mom anytime soon, however, I have to say that in light of the recent information that was given, I should probably make sure my house is clean enough to pass a 20 point checklist sometime in the near future.
Google has promised to stop giving me crap about my house not being clean enough for him to come over. I asked him this weekend if this bothers him, he said it sort of did, but there is a story behind why he doesn't want to give me crap about it. This friend I met this weekend knows this story, and he doesn't want me to know... it has peaked my curiosity enough for me to consider emailing her about it... but for now, I won't. I'll let sleeping dogs lie, but I might email her for that checklist.
Anyway, we get to this party, where we're greeted warmly by his friends from California. The first thing the wife asks me if we can be friends on facebook, because she feels stalkerish looking at all my pictures when we're not friends. Of course, I agreed, and while we're not yet facebook friends, at least I know she's looking at my pictures. She then proceeds to tell Google that after spending 3 days with his mom (she flew out Google's mom for a work event), she now knows what's wrong with him. I look at him curiously, and ask what IS wrong with him exactly. His friend goes on to talk about his mom's 20 point checklist that she had to go through upon checking into the hotel, and other subsequent idiosyncrasies that she learned about through this visit. A 20 point checklist was what stood out in my mind. I'm not sure that I want someone to come into my house with any potential checklist in mind. Now, I know that Google is not his mother, but apparently according to his friend, it explains so many things that are wrong with him. This makes me nervous. And on top of that, his friend goes on to tell me that should I ever meet Google's mom, that I need to call her first, so she can fully prepare for the enormity that would be that visit. Scary.
I don't have a problems with moms, per se. It's just that I've never dated a guy who had a mom that liked me. To be fair, I've only met the moms of two of the guys I've dated. First was the guy who I lived with, and his was his step-mother. She was a controlling bitch. Sorry, but she was. About 4 months into my relationship with this guy, she and her husband tried to get him to break up with me by telling him that I wasn't good enough and no one would ever love him as much as his parents did. Creepy. I met his real mother once or twice (she lived far away in another state), and she was very nice to me, and supposedly liked me a lot. But that wasn't the family experience I had to experience for over 2 years with this guy. I read recently that my ex is married now, which is wonderful for him. But I also read that his parents ruined his wedding, which doesn't surprise me one bit. He posted how much his parents tried to control his wedding, and make it all about them. It sounds like everything they ever tried to do when we were together. I'm so glad that's not me. My other parental experience was with Mr. Perfect's parents. His dad was wonderful and very nice to me all the time. His mother, well, she wasn't very nice to anyone to be honest. In the year and a half that we were together, I never once saw her hug Mr. Perfect or tell him that she loved him, or anything affectionate that a mother should do. Mr Perfect insists that his mom did like me, she's just like that with everyone. And that very well could be the case. She just never made me feel welcome, or accepted at family functions. His grandma was another story. She loved me, and sent me cards, and baked us cookies. She was great. But when it comes to mothers, I have an 0 for 2 track record.
I don't anticipate having the opportunity to meet Google's mom anytime soon, however, I have to say that in light of the recent information that was given, I should probably make sure my house is clean enough to pass a 20 point checklist sometime in the near future.
Google has promised to stop giving me crap about my house not being clean enough for him to come over. I asked him this weekend if this bothers him, he said it sort of did, but there is a story behind why he doesn't want to give me crap about it. This friend I met this weekend knows this story, and he doesn't want me to know... it has peaked my curiosity enough for me to consider emailing her about it... but for now, I won't. I'll let sleeping dogs lie, but I might email her for that checklist.
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