I hope this will be my last school related post, although I haven't been dating lately, so at least it gives me something to write about.
Before today, I could never imagine having a day like today. It was bad on a scale so unbelievably terrible... I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I've spent most of the day crying or trying not to cry in front of my students. And the best part? It had absolutely nothing to do with my kids.
This morning I got to school early because I had parent conferences with 4 of my students' parents because they've been causing an exceptional amount of problems, and I don't know what to do about it. The meeting was pushed back to 9 pm to accommodate more of the parents' schedules, but no one lets me know that of course. So I arrive in time for an 8 am meeting, find out it's been moved, and go to my room to get some work done. My principal comes up to my room at 8:25, a mere 10 minutes before I need to go pick up my kids. She says she needs to talk to me, and comes into my room. She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't hold teachers hostage at the school and I am more than welcome to leave. What?? Where did that come from? She then goes on to say that I'm just about the worst teacher on staff, and she doesn't understand why I can't do anything that I'm asked to do. At this point, I'm visibly upset, but still trying to hold back my tears because I know I have to go pick up my kids. We had a principals meeting with all the principals from the region and the local and regional superintendents at our school on Wednesday. My principal had been on our backs for about a week straight to get our rooms cleaned, current work up on the bulletins boards, and creating a visible learning environment. I have no problem doing this. I worked my ASS off to get my room ready. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not organized and quite possibly the messiest person that exists. My classroom mirrors that pretty well. She goes on to say that she asked me to do 3 things in my room before Wednesday and I had done none of them. Then, she goes on to tell me that a lot of my students' parents made complaints about me, and that she knows I just hate it here, and why am I still here. At that point I lost it, and really started crying because I HAD done exactly what she asked, I love my students, and I've never gotten anything but positive feedback. In fact when she first told me that a parent had made a complaint about me, I asked her who it was and she told me. I called that parent that night, not to ask specifically about the complaint, but just to see if she had any concerns. The mother told me that she was so glad her son was in my class, and she was so happy I was his teacher, and I was going to be able to do so much for him this year. I told my principal what the mother had said this morning, and her first reaction was, you called her? (which makes me think it was a lie) To which I responded, of course I called her. If she has a problem with something I'm doing, I'd much rather work that out than have issues all year. My principal then said, Well... you know, parents are two-faced. I was floored, and really really upset. I work really hard for my kids, I do a lot of things that a lot of other teachers wouldn't even think to do for their classrooms, and nothing I do is even noticed, let alone appreciated. So after she spent a good half an hour telling me that I'm doing a bad job, everyone thinks so... she said I could either figure out why I can't seem to do anything that I'm told and what can be done to change that, or leave. I'm seriously considering the latter. The best part was when she told me that she was going to tell me last night at 5:30 after I was done teaching test preparation, but she didn't want to ruin my evening and have me upset. So she'd rather ruin my entire day, and have me upset and on the verge of tears ALL day.
I went to go pick up my class, and bumped into the computer teacher. She could tell I had been crying and pulled me into her room to talk. As soon as she asked me, what's wrong? I lost it. I always do. Without a doubt, I can pull myself together and act cool and calm, so long as I don't have to talk about what is really bothering me. So I start crying again, and have to leave just to pull myself together. I finally get to my class, the math coach was watching them (making them walk up and down the hallway) until I got there. And I'm sure they could all tell I had been crying, but only one of them was stupid enough to say something. For the most part, my class was pretty good today, which of course made me even more upset. I then spent most of my morning in the rescheduled parent conference, wondering of course, if these parents were any of the ones that had complained. Usually it is the parents of the worst kids that have the most complaints. Their children aren't succeeding and they need someone or something to blame. Of course it CAN'T be their child's fault. Never.
By the end of the day, I had cried at least 4 or 5 more times. The rest of the staff that I talked to was shocked when I told them, and one teacher who's been there for 6 years told me that this is just the principal's style. She doesn't like teachers who stand up for themselves, so she feels the need to "break" them. I've never been a pushover, and when I really and truly believe in something, I have a hard time just backing down and agreeing to do something I don't think is right or, in this case, best for my students.
I am going to speak with my principal tomorrow. I have formulated what I am going to say to try to explain to her why I "can't seem to do anything that is asked of me" and I'm also going to talk to my Union rep too. I feel attacked, and I don't like being treated like I'm not doing my job when I most certainly am.
If anyone knows of any job openings at other schools in New York or New Jersey, pass them my way!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Something New
I don't usually write about things at my job, because this isn't a job blog. It's a dating blog, and there is absolutely no one of interest for me to date at school... But, just a quick story that really made my day and reminds me why I love working with kids (sometimes).
I've not been at my best the past week or so, and when you work with 18 very hormonal 5th graders, they tend to bring out all the nastiest things in you. I've had 2 very bad days with my students, yesterday and today. Yesterday I was at the point of almost just cashing it all in, subletting my apartment and high-tailing it back to Jersey. But I'm not a quitter. and I'm not going to let these 5th grade brats get the best of me either. I made it through last year which was just one torturous day after another, and left more days crying than not. I haven't cried once this year, so why does it seem so bad? I think because my class seemed so good at first, and now they have hit some sort of rebellious phase and want to fight me on every issue from pencils to their seats. Very trivial issues, but they treat them each with life changing urgency and as if I'm doing them utter injustice.
I teach an after school test preparation program that runs from 3:37 through 5:30, and after 7 hours of children sucking every ounce of energy out of you, it's the most dreaded part of my day. Especially the cafeteria duty. Because the kids stay until 5:30, we take them down from 3:37 until 4 or so and the school feeds them another meal. It's chaotic and poorly run, and we're supposed to police our students at all times. Plain and simple, it sucks.
Today I was dealing with two of my most problematic boys, and the fact that they should have been kicked out of test prep about a week or so ago when they started causing problems to the point where no one in my class gets any work done. I was going to talk to the Assistant Principal when I ran into one of my students from last year. She was one of my favorite students, and I had really missed her since school had started this year. I see some of my students who live nearby and come to pick up younger siblings. Seeing her definitely lifted my mood, and I chatted with her and her father for a little while. At one point, she turned to her father and said, "doesn't she look so beautiful?" and that one comment totally made my day. First of all, I did not look beautiful by anyone's standards. I was wearing my cords, a v-neck sweater with some t's layered underneath, my hair was a mess, glasses, and no make up. But it reminded me that to children, that kind of thing doesn't really matter. You can look and feel terrible, but they have this ability to put you up on a pedestal and see the best in you. I believe that most of my students, whether they admit it (or show it) or not, look up to me as some sort of role model. I am an important figure in their lives, I could probably do a lot more good for them if I gave them more of a chance. So with this happy outlook, I decided to give my problem boys one more chance, really trying to believe that they could do it.
I was wrong, and one was kicked out by the end the day today, and one has one more chance. But it was a nice thought for about half an hour.
I've not been at my best the past week or so, and when you work with 18 very hormonal 5th graders, they tend to bring out all the nastiest things in you. I've had 2 very bad days with my students, yesterday and today. Yesterday I was at the point of almost just cashing it all in, subletting my apartment and high-tailing it back to Jersey. But I'm not a quitter. and I'm not going to let these 5th grade brats get the best of me either. I made it through last year which was just one torturous day after another, and left more days crying than not. I haven't cried once this year, so why does it seem so bad? I think because my class seemed so good at first, and now they have hit some sort of rebellious phase and want to fight me on every issue from pencils to their seats. Very trivial issues, but they treat them each with life changing urgency and as if I'm doing them utter injustice.
I teach an after school test preparation program that runs from 3:37 through 5:30, and after 7 hours of children sucking every ounce of energy out of you, it's the most dreaded part of my day. Especially the cafeteria duty. Because the kids stay until 5:30, we take them down from 3:37 until 4 or so and the school feeds them another meal. It's chaotic and poorly run, and we're supposed to police our students at all times. Plain and simple, it sucks.
Today I was dealing with two of my most problematic boys, and the fact that they should have been kicked out of test prep about a week or so ago when they started causing problems to the point where no one in my class gets any work done. I was going to talk to the Assistant Principal when I ran into one of my students from last year. She was one of my favorite students, and I had really missed her since school had started this year. I see some of my students who live nearby and come to pick up younger siblings. Seeing her definitely lifted my mood, and I chatted with her and her father for a little while. At one point, she turned to her father and said, "doesn't she look so beautiful?" and that one comment totally made my day. First of all, I did not look beautiful by anyone's standards. I was wearing my cords, a v-neck sweater with some t's layered underneath, my hair was a mess, glasses, and no make up. But it reminded me that to children, that kind of thing doesn't really matter. You can look and feel terrible, but they have this ability to put you up on a pedestal and see the best in you. I believe that most of my students, whether they admit it (or show it) or not, look up to me as some sort of role model. I am an important figure in their lives, I could probably do a lot more good for them if I gave them more of a chance. So with this happy outlook, I decided to give my problem boys one more chance, really trying to believe that they could do it.
I was wrong, and one was kicked out by the end the day today, and one has one more chance. But it was a nice thought for about half an hour.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Giving Thanks
Sometimes all you need is a little perspective for everything to put back into order. Coming home to my parents house always grounds me a little bit, and re-instills the values in which I am ultimately seeking. The holidays at first make me feel sad, spending them alone. At Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house, I was the only cousin there who is single, and even though not all of the significant others were there, I couldn't help but feel the pressure of that. I felt more so than ever that I need to find someone, even if it's just so I don't have to spend holidays alone. It wasn't my best night, but it did bring about some perspective. I have come to realize that never in my life have I spent a holiday alone. I am so lucky to have a close family, and wonderful parents and siblings. My family has never pressured me with questions like, Why aren't you in a relationship, When are you going to get married? etc. I have friends whose relations do in fact pressure them to be in a relationship, and I can't imagine how awful it must feel. I think I am the worst perpetrator of those pressures in myself. I set time lines as to when I should be meeting people, and how my life should be going. But, I really should take more of my own family's standpoint of: it will happen in time, there's no rush.
So over this holiday season I am going to be thankful for the love and support I have in my life, for my family and amazing friends. I am going to try my hardest not to project where and when I think things should be in my life. I have been talking to 2 new guys though. Both of whom I think have some really good potential (there I go again - projecting!), but it's just been email exchanges at this point. Both of them have extremely different, yet appealing characteristics thus far. Although I should know by now that email exchanges and in person exchanges are two very different interactions.
So over this holiday season I am going to be thankful for the love and support I have in my life, for my family and amazing friends. I am going to try my hardest not to project where and when I think things should be in my life. I have been talking to 2 new guys though. Both of whom I think have some really good potential (there I go again - projecting!), but it's just been email exchanges at this point. Both of them have extremely different, yet appealing characteristics thus far. Although I should know by now that email exchanges and in person exchanges are two very different interactions.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
"It ended bad, but I love what we started"
As promised... the recaps of dates 4 & 5 with T. Now some of you have voiced concern about these being "watered down" because T has the blog link. I promise I will be as honest and as unbiased as possible. He may read this (Hi T!) or he may not. (If I knew someone was writing and posting things about me on the internet, I would read it.) Regardless, I don't feel any anger or upset** about the situation, so these posts should be *almost* as good as if I had blogged them right after they happened (maybe less giddy than I would have been then). I'm glad to have had these two dates, and as my posts are usually driven towards the negative aspects of the dates, I think it's nice to read something good for once.
** After writing the post below, I probably am still upset by how things turned out. But it's hard to write so many good things and believe that it was all a farce.
Date #4 - November 1st
It was a Wednesday night, and as my week goes, Wednesdays are traditionally work nights for me. I spend a lot of time doing school work since it's the only night the local library is open until 8pm. So, I packed up my laptop, my homework for class, school work, and headed down to the library with every intention of staying there until 8 and then moving to the tea lounge (on Court St.) for a quiet place to work on my NaNoWriMo novel. It was the first day I could start writing and I really didn't want to fall behind. While I was walking to the library, my phone rang. It was T. I hadn't talked to him since our last date the previous Friday. (Not For Tourists.) I called him on Sunday when I got back from Connecticut, he called me the following Monday while I was at school, I returned his call that night, and Wednesday was him returning my call. So we chatted while I walked to the library. It was a gorgeously warm evening for the first of November, and T asked me if I wanted to come by to the park and take a walk once I was done my work at the library. I really shouldn't have gone. I had a ton of work to do, but I wanted to see T more than I wanted to start writing my novel, so I did all the classwork I had to do for grad school, and took the train over to Park Slope.
We met outside his building, and walked into the park. T carried my laptop bag for me the whole night, which was really nice, because I was tired of lugging it around. We sat on a bench by the water for a little, and then walked some more, deeper into the park by the man-made waterfall. We made out there for a while. It was dark and romantic, and very nice. For someone as shy though as T claims to be, he was very aggressive in progressing the physical part of the relationship. So after a decent amount of time passed, he asked if I wanted to walk more and go lie on the grass in another part of the park. I agreed that would be nice, and we ended up in one of the larger open fields of the park. It was completely empty, which was really nice for it being such a warm pleasant night out. We sat underneath a beautifully damaged tree. From one side the tree had full foliage and majestic branches. The other side had branches completely broken off by wind. It was such a striking difference from the opposite side of the tree, I marveled in its contrast. The image is still impressed vividly in my mind. We laid in the grass for a while, making out, talking, just enjoying the serenity of the park in opposition to the city. It was during that time that I decided that I really liked him. I wasn't worried what other people were going to think of him, or of the relationship like I usually do. I wasn't concerned if we were doing these dates the way they should or if I should be playing by "the rules." I remember lying there in the grass, turning my head to look at him, and think "Yup, I really like him." and he seemed to really like me too, which of course made things even better. At one point, he asked me if I wanted to come back to his apartment to meet his cat and see his dictionary. (Yes, that was his exact invitation.) Of course, I agreed.
Back in his apartment, I met his adorable cat. I'm not a cat person, but as soon as I walked in his cat rolled onto his side for me to rub his belly. I was hooked. Then came the dictionary. An impressive 2nd edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. I had only seen the multi-volume set, and this is an impressive piece in any collection. He has a small one bedroom apartment, which is really nice, but there is no couch, and his bed is lofted, so there was no where for us to sit together. We ended up lying on his floor, making out, talking, etc (same as the park) for a long time. One of the things he said which made me think he was interested in pursuing a relationship was how it was dangerous that I lived so close, only 4 stops on the F train. He mentioned he'd be missing a lot of sleep. I took that as meaning from spending nights with me. He asked if I wanted to spend the night, and tried to convince me to sleep there, and get up early the next morning to take the train home. I lost track of the time, and before I knew it, it was after midnight. I had to work the next day, I guess I'd be missing night's of sleep as well. But I knew I wasn't ready to spend the night, I did not want to do anything wrong with this one. Before I left, he asked me if I wanted to "do this again very soon." (his words) He said he'd be too tired the next day (Thursday) but asked me out for Friday. I was going home for my friend's birthday in Philly, so I said Saturday would work better for me. He said he didn't know what his plans were, but he would call me by Saturday to let me know.
I was a little surprised then on Friday when I got a phone call from T in the middle of the afternoon. He told me that he had gone to a state park in western New Jersey, and asked me if I wanted to come there Saturday instead of us hanging out in Brooklyn. I told him I'd consider it, and call him around noon the next day to let him know. After weighing the options, I decided I wouldn't go. It would have been a two and half hour drive from my parents' house to get to the park, and another 2+ hours to get back to the city. I was taking Salsa lessons the following morning in Manhattan, so I had to come back to the city Saturday night. The bridge was closed because of the marathon, and it just didn't make sense for me to drive so far out of my way for just a few hours with T. Even though I was disappointed that I wasn't going to get to see T on Saturday, I was glad to have some time to do some writing and work on some of my papers.
Date #5 - November 4th
T called around 11 that morning while I was still at my parents' house (I was supposed to call him at noon, remember). Since I wasn't rushing back to the city for anything, I took my time getting all my work done. He told me that he changed his mind, and he was coming back to the city early instead of staying in New Jersey, and asked me if I wanted to hang out still. Of course I did. So I rushed to get the work done, and headed back into the city. Heinvited me to come to his apartment and we'd order in dinner. Sounded good to me. I feel like there is something more intimate about eating dinner with someone in their own apartment. There are no distractions, it's not for show for anyone else, it's just about the people there.
I got to his place around 6. We ordered in Indian food. I browsed his book collection, played with the cat. It was very comfortable; we talked about a 1994 (?) road atlas, the meaning of the word "dight", poisonous wildflowers, bugs, birds, and his extensive David Attenborough video collection. Things I have little to no extensive prior knowledge on, but that didn't deter my interest. Though, I probably didn't contribute as much to the conversation as much as he might have wanted. When the dinner arrived, T arranged the plates and set up a very nice dinner by candle light and low lighting. Romantic. I wonder why I would be assuming that this guy actually liked me? After dinner, T wanted to show me one of his Attenborough DVDs, but again the lack of couch situation meant we had to sit on the floor. It was ok though, T sat behind me, with me sitting between his legs. Of course we didn't watch the dvd for very long. T was very persistent in trying to move the relationship on a little more physically than I felt comfortable with. I managed (not without struggle) to keep all my clothes on, however. There were no signs to me that I was doing anything that he wasn't enjoying, but apparently I should have been more shy even though he was the aggressor. He invited me again to spend the night, which I again, politely, refused. I thought there was plenty of time, we could take things slow and steady.
When I was ready to leave, it was early enough that I felt that I could take the train back safely by myself. T offered to walk me to the train, but I felt that was unnecessary. He was already at his apartment. Had we been out, I would have said yes. He insisted. We walked outside, and then he insisted on driving me home instead of me taking the train. I argued that it was totally ridiculous for him to drive me home, it's such a short train ride away, and he'd lose his parking spot. He reasoned that he doesn't get to drive all that much in the city, and that he really wanted to drive me home. With much reluctance, I agreed. I try to think back to the conversation we had in the car, if I said something inappropriate, maybe asked too many questions, maybe just was irritating to him. The car ride I feel MUST have been the turning point. Why else would he had still been trying so hard up until that point. He dropped me off at the corner of my street, and I kissed him goodbye. The rest... well, that's history.
In other endings - I had to go to school today (Yes, on Saturday) for a workshop. I got on the local train only one stop before my stop, so I had a quick ride. I stood by the door. I was tired after being out past 2 last night, and not really focused. I hear the door in between cars open and I turned to look at who was coming in.... The Subway Stalker!! But to be perfectly honest, I didn't mind seeing him. He told me that he only has one more day left at his job and then he has to find a new one. We parted after going through the turnstile, he didn't offer to walk me out today. So, this means no more subway rides together. I can't believe this is the end of the Subway Stalker. I think I might just miss him.
** After writing the post below, I probably am still upset by how things turned out. But it's hard to write so many good things and believe that it was all a farce.
Date #4 - November 1st
It was a Wednesday night, and as my week goes, Wednesdays are traditionally work nights for me. I spend a lot of time doing school work since it's the only night the local library is open until 8pm. So, I packed up my laptop, my homework for class, school work, and headed down to the library with every intention of staying there until 8 and then moving to the tea lounge (on Court St.) for a quiet place to work on my NaNoWriMo novel. It was the first day I could start writing and I really didn't want to fall behind. While I was walking to the library, my phone rang. It was T. I hadn't talked to him since our last date the previous Friday. (Not For Tourists.) I called him on Sunday when I got back from Connecticut, he called me the following Monday while I was at school, I returned his call that night, and Wednesday was him returning my call. So we chatted while I walked to the library. It was a gorgeously warm evening for the first of November, and T asked me if I wanted to come by to the park and take a walk once I was done my work at the library. I really shouldn't have gone. I had a ton of work to do, but I wanted to see T more than I wanted to start writing my novel, so I did all the classwork I had to do for grad school, and took the train over to Park Slope.
We met outside his building, and walked into the park. T carried my laptop bag for me the whole night, which was really nice, because I was tired of lugging it around. We sat on a bench by the water for a little, and then walked some more, deeper into the park by the man-made waterfall. We made out there for a while. It was dark and romantic, and very nice. For someone as shy though as T claims to be, he was very aggressive in progressing the physical part of the relationship. So after a decent amount of time passed, he asked if I wanted to walk more and go lie on the grass in another part of the park. I agreed that would be nice, and we ended up in one of the larger open fields of the park. It was completely empty, which was really nice for it being such a warm pleasant night out. We sat underneath a beautifully damaged tree. From one side the tree had full foliage and majestic branches. The other side had branches completely broken off by wind. It was such a striking difference from the opposite side of the tree, I marveled in its contrast. The image is still impressed vividly in my mind. We laid in the grass for a while, making out, talking, just enjoying the serenity of the park in opposition to the city. It was during that time that I decided that I really liked him. I wasn't worried what other people were going to think of him, or of the relationship like I usually do. I wasn't concerned if we were doing these dates the way they should or if I should be playing by "the rules." I remember lying there in the grass, turning my head to look at him, and think "Yup, I really like him." and he seemed to really like me too, which of course made things even better. At one point, he asked me if I wanted to come back to his apartment to meet his cat and see his dictionary. (Yes, that was his exact invitation.) Of course, I agreed.
Back in his apartment, I met his adorable cat. I'm not a cat person, but as soon as I walked in his cat rolled onto his side for me to rub his belly. I was hooked. Then came the dictionary. An impressive 2nd edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. I had only seen the multi-volume set, and this is an impressive piece in any collection. He has a small one bedroom apartment, which is really nice, but there is no couch, and his bed is lofted, so there was no where for us to sit together. We ended up lying on his floor, making out, talking, etc (same as the park) for a long time. One of the things he said which made me think he was interested in pursuing a relationship was how it was dangerous that I lived so close, only 4 stops on the F train. He mentioned he'd be missing a lot of sleep. I took that as meaning from spending nights with me. He asked if I wanted to spend the night, and tried to convince me to sleep there, and get up early the next morning to take the train home. I lost track of the time, and before I knew it, it was after midnight. I had to work the next day, I guess I'd be missing night's of sleep as well. But I knew I wasn't ready to spend the night, I did not want to do anything wrong with this one. Before I left, he asked me if I wanted to "do this again very soon." (his words) He said he'd be too tired the next day (Thursday) but asked me out for Friday. I was going home for my friend's birthday in Philly, so I said Saturday would work better for me. He said he didn't know what his plans were, but he would call me by Saturday to let me know.
I was a little surprised then on Friday when I got a phone call from T in the middle of the afternoon. He told me that he had gone to a state park in western New Jersey, and asked me if I wanted to come there Saturday instead of us hanging out in Brooklyn. I told him I'd consider it, and call him around noon the next day to let him know. After weighing the options, I decided I wouldn't go. It would have been a two and half hour drive from my parents' house to get to the park, and another 2+ hours to get back to the city. I was taking Salsa lessons the following morning in Manhattan, so I had to come back to the city Saturday night. The bridge was closed because of the marathon, and it just didn't make sense for me to drive so far out of my way for just a few hours with T. Even though I was disappointed that I wasn't going to get to see T on Saturday, I was glad to have some time to do some writing and work on some of my papers.
Date #5 - November 4th
T called around 11 that morning while I was still at my parents' house (I was supposed to call him at noon, remember). Since I wasn't rushing back to the city for anything, I took my time getting all my work done. He told me that he changed his mind, and he was coming back to the city early instead of staying in New Jersey, and asked me if I wanted to hang out still. Of course I did. So I rushed to get the work done, and headed back into the city. Heinvited me to come to his apartment and we'd order in dinner. Sounded good to me. I feel like there is something more intimate about eating dinner with someone in their own apartment. There are no distractions, it's not for show for anyone else, it's just about the people there.
I got to his place around 6. We ordered in Indian food. I browsed his book collection, played with the cat. It was very comfortable; we talked about a 1994 (?) road atlas, the meaning of the word "dight", poisonous wildflowers, bugs, birds, and his extensive David Attenborough video collection. Things I have little to no extensive prior knowledge on, but that didn't deter my interest. Though, I probably didn't contribute as much to the conversation as much as he might have wanted. When the dinner arrived, T arranged the plates and set up a very nice dinner by candle light and low lighting. Romantic. I wonder why I would be assuming that this guy actually liked me? After dinner, T wanted to show me one of his Attenborough DVDs, but again the lack of couch situation meant we had to sit on the floor. It was ok though, T sat behind me, with me sitting between his legs. Of course we didn't watch the dvd for very long. T was very persistent in trying to move the relationship on a little more physically than I felt comfortable with. I managed (not without struggle) to keep all my clothes on, however. There were no signs to me that I was doing anything that he wasn't enjoying, but apparently I should have been more shy even though he was the aggressor. He invited me again to spend the night, which I again, politely, refused. I thought there was plenty of time, we could take things slow and steady.
When I was ready to leave, it was early enough that I felt that I could take the train back safely by myself. T offered to walk me to the train, but I felt that was unnecessary. He was already at his apartment. Had we been out, I would have said yes. He insisted. We walked outside, and then he insisted on driving me home instead of me taking the train. I argued that it was totally ridiculous for him to drive me home, it's such a short train ride away, and he'd lose his parking spot. He reasoned that he doesn't get to drive all that much in the city, and that he really wanted to drive me home. With much reluctance, I agreed. I try to think back to the conversation we had in the car, if I said something inappropriate, maybe asked too many questions, maybe just was irritating to him. The car ride I feel MUST have been the turning point. Why else would he had still been trying so hard up until that point. He dropped me off at the corner of my street, and I kissed him goodbye. The rest... well, that's history.
In other endings - I had to go to school today (Yes, on Saturday) for a workshop. I got on the local train only one stop before my stop, so I had a quick ride. I stood by the door. I was tired after being out past 2 last night, and not really focused. I hear the door in between cars open and I turned to look at who was coming in.... The Subway Stalker!! But to be perfectly honest, I didn't mind seeing him. He told me that he only has one more day left at his job and then he has to find a new one. We parted after going through the turnstile, he didn't offer to walk me out today. So, this means no more subway rides together. I can't believe this is the end of the Subway Stalker. I think I might just miss him.
Friday, November 17, 2006
"The fool doth think he is wise"
In my anger after posting the last blog, I acted impulsively and sent the blog link in an email to T. A lot of people opposed this idea, saying I shouldn't let him know how much I liked him, I should delete all the previous blogs about him, that it would give him the upper hand. At this point, there is no upper hand, there is no relationship, there will be no more dates. I don't care if he knows that I really liked him, I'm pretty sure I made that abundantly clear anyway. If nothing else, it elicited a response from him, the heart of it being that I'm not shy enough, quiet enough, or bookish enough for him. Ok, in layman's terms - he's just not interested in who I am, why he waited 5 dates and over a week to tell me that? He blames that too on his shyness.
So let's break this down... I'm not shy enough. When I was little, I was extremely shy. I was probably considered shy up until college. I never considered it a good social quality to possess. I grew out of that phase, and even though I guess I am no longer shy by society's standards, I will always think of myself as reserved. As I mentioned this to my roommate after my first date with T, I felt that because he was SO shy I was overcompensating trying NOT to be shy. I guess that didn't work in my favor. But he did tell me on our 3rd date, (the NFT date) that he felt uncharacteristically comfortable with me, is that a bad thing?
Next point: I'm not quiet enough. I'm not awkwardly quiet, no. I'm not extremely loud or garish though either. I think if there were a spectrum of extreme quiet to extreme loudness, I would fall just above the halfway mark closer to loud, but most definitely in the middle somewhere. I can be completely reserved and demure, he just didn't get to know me well enough to see that.
Final Point: Not Bookish. Now I took this comment to heart. "Want to come meet my cat and see my dictionary?" I didn't blog about our 4th date (Because I feel after 3 dates you are wading into relationship territory, and it is a slight betrayal to record every intimate detail - I guess that's fair game now, I'll post 4th and 5th date stories this weekend.) But in preview, that is the line he used to get me to come back to his apartment. When I told this to a few friends, they would stop me, mid-sentence, and every single person's response would be..."Wait, did you hear what you just said?" At which I had to laugh, because yes, I realize an invitation to see someones complete OED is not usually a tantalizing lure, but to me, I was very interested. I think anyone who can hold a conversation about reference books, dictionaries, or online retrieval systems can be automatically classified as bookish. I actually took this comment as an insult to my own intelligence. As I mentioned after our second date, T is clearly an intellectual, and I didn't feel like I lived up to those standards myself. I don't know enough about the types of literature he reads to have at an length discussion about it, but that didn't mean I wasn't interested in knowing more. I am studious and intelligent, I read a lot, write a great deal, and have a general bookish quality about myself. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that I definitely look bookish. (Even the subway stalker thought so!) My sweater vest/v-neck sweater (navy mostly) with a button down shirt collection is growing exponentially, and my librarian look is very close to being complete. All I need is a new pair of glasses, and I'm set. Not being quiet and shy, I can forgive. But not being bookish enough is a direct attack on who I am.
I think he either over thought things way too soon, or he really didn't like me all that much and thought this would be a better way to tell me. It bothers me because I do feel like we could have been well matched, but I don't want to date someone who is so quick to judge. So who then would T like to date? Sounds to me someone exactly like himself. Isn't variety the spice of life?
So let's break this down... I'm not shy enough. When I was little, I was extremely shy. I was probably considered shy up until college. I never considered it a good social quality to possess. I grew out of that phase, and even though I guess I am no longer shy by society's standards, I will always think of myself as reserved. As I mentioned this to my roommate after my first date with T, I felt that because he was SO shy I was overcompensating trying NOT to be shy. I guess that didn't work in my favor. But he did tell me on our 3rd date, (the NFT date) that he felt uncharacteristically comfortable with me, is that a bad thing?
Next point: I'm not quiet enough. I'm not awkwardly quiet, no. I'm not extremely loud or garish though either. I think if there were a spectrum of extreme quiet to extreme loudness, I would fall just above the halfway mark closer to loud, but most definitely in the middle somewhere. I can be completely reserved and demure, he just didn't get to know me well enough to see that.
Final Point: Not Bookish. Now I took this comment to heart. "Want to come meet my cat and see my dictionary?" I didn't blog about our 4th date (Because I feel after 3 dates you are wading into relationship territory, and it is a slight betrayal to record every intimate detail - I guess that's fair game now, I'll post 4th and 5th date stories this weekend.) But in preview, that is the line he used to get me to come back to his apartment. When I told this to a few friends, they would stop me, mid-sentence, and every single person's response would be..."Wait, did you hear what you just said?" At which I had to laugh, because yes, I realize an invitation to see someones complete OED is not usually a tantalizing lure, but to me, I was very interested. I think anyone who can hold a conversation about reference books, dictionaries, or online retrieval systems can be automatically classified as bookish. I actually took this comment as an insult to my own intelligence. As I mentioned after our second date, T is clearly an intellectual, and I didn't feel like I lived up to those standards myself. I don't know enough about the types of literature he reads to have at an length discussion about it, but that didn't mean I wasn't interested in knowing more. I am studious and intelligent, I read a lot, write a great deal, and have a general bookish quality about myself. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that I definitely look bookish. (Even the subway stalker thought so!) My sweater vest/v-neck sweater (navy mostly) with a button down shirt collection is growing exponentially, and my librarian look is very close to being complete. All I need is a new pair of glasses, and I'm set. Not being quiet and shy, I can forgive. But not being bookish enough is a direct attack on who I am.
I think he either over thought things way too soon, or he really didn't like me all that much and thought this would be a better way to tell me. It bothers me because I do feel like we could have been well matched, but I don't want to date someone who is so quick to judge. So who then would T like to date? Sounds to me someone exactly like himself. Isn't variety the spice of life?
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
ANGER
You know when you have felt worried and upset for days, and it turns suddenly into pure unadulterated RAGE. I had a student yesterday have an outburst similar to that, slamming desks, chairs, throwing himself against doors and banging his head into closets. It was a scary thing to watch. Someone so angry that even bodily harm alleviates that rage. It's an even worse thing to FEEL. I have no feelings for T right now except for that pure unadulterated rage. ANGER. Disgust. And what brought all this on, one might ask... after days of hoping to hear from him? Not necessarily hoping something had happened to him, but hoping he'd resurface and have the best f'n excuse I've ever heard for why he hadn't been in contact. Besides just being a pussy (and I will note that I hate this word, but I can't think of a better description).
So, I've been worried about his well being, concerned about him for days and days... hashed and rehashed this out with friends, family, colleagues, anyone who was willing to listen let alone give me their 2 cents basically. I had my roommate doing investigative work for me, just so I could know the god damned boy was still breathing. Well, aren't I the fool? He's alive and well enough I might gather. Yup. And how do I know, one could ask me? Well, as many a blog before I have posted, I have "mad" librarian skills... and with those intense searching skills comes an ability to find information about people they might not even know exist. This was not the case with T, try as I might, finding information if he were dead or alive proved to be a futile attempt. I tried search engines, social networking sites, etc. Nothing except an old Friendster profile from god knows how long ago. Alas I had nothing to do with this worried feeling I had; I tried texting him, the same no response, and tonight, I called just for one last attempt to see if he was alive. He didn't answer, no surprise. And on the message I just asked, nicely, I thought, if he could just send me an email, didn't have to be anything detailed or in depth, just something so I could know he was alive. An empty email for all I care. Did he? Not a chance.
So as I was working on my homework tonight, a discussion in my graduate school thread about finding "hard to find" biographical information (oooh us crazy librarians!) came up, and someone mentioned that after searching through obscure sites and really wracking her brain for ways to find it, she had realized she had overlooked some of the most basic sites because she automatically assumed they would be no use for her. This struck a chord with me. Hmmm. Of course! Once an online dater, always an online dater is what I've found, and most of the guys that I've met on jdate, or the onion, or craigslist even, usually have a dating profile on at least one of the other sites. So I chose the most basic, well known online dating website and did a search for a 30 y/o man within 5 miles from me. Voila! There he was, and active within 5 days. Now it's been 9 days since I first called him to wish him a good first day of work, 6 days since I emailed him... so did he get my email? Most likely. Did he get my phone calls/text messages, most likely as well. When I think about the time I spent, worrying about his well being, besides the intense anger, I have to laugh. Because seriously, this guy was SO not worth the effort. Did I like him, without a doubt. Would I have liked to have seen him more, most definitely. But if at 30 years old, you are incapable of sending someone an email, the most passive form of human interaction, just to MAN up to the fact that you are no longer interested, than seriously, you are not worth my time. T had every opportunity to back out graciously too, without all this drama. He just started a new job, and could have used the excuse that he was just too busy to date anyone right now. Ok, I would have been hurt and disappointed, but I wouldn't have been over here wondering and waiting.
What kind of person at 30 (almost 31 mind you!) doesn't know how to have a normal human interaction? I mean don't guys ever outgrow the childish avoidance behavior. I see it a lot in my 10 year old students, and it is mostly the boys. If I say something to a girl that they don't like, they yell back at me. If I say something to a boy that he doesn't like, he puts his hands over his head or turns his back and refuses to respond. I feel like this is T's way of putting his hands over his head, and being a coward. Yes, it's hard to reject someone, and I know well enough how hard it is to just say, please leave me alone (re: the subway stalker), but it's the right thing to do. If this had been one or two dates and he did this, I am sure I would have responded much differently. However, after 5 dates, where he was expressing just as much (if not more) interest in me, I believe I deserve at the very least a passive one line email.
I could go the route of belittling him, and listing every reason why he's not good enough for me, and exposing all of his vulnerabilities that he revealed in the short time we knew each other. It would make me feel better momentarily. But I'm not a woman scorned here, I didn't love him, he didn't do me some great injustice. He's just a little boy who hasn't grown up enough in his abilities to deal with women. I don't understand why guys don't think a mature woman can't handle a little honesty. I'm much better at dealing with rejection than dealing in the unknown.
I took a chance on this guy, and it didn't work out. There are plenty of other chances out there (good news for the blog), I'm a little angry that I cancelled dates with 3 other potentials to see where this one went, maybe I missed out on something great, who knows maybe I'll give one of them a call...
to be continued...
So, I've been worried about his well being, concerned about him for days and days... hashed and rehashed this out with friends, family, colleagues, anyone who was willing to listen let alone give me their 2 cents basically. I had my roommate doing investigative work for me, just so I could know the god damned boy was still breathing. Well, aren't I the fool? He's alive and well enough I might gather. Yup. And how do I know, one could ask me? Well, as many a blog before I have posted, I have "mad" librarian skills... and with those intense searching skills comes an ability to find information about people they might not even know exist. This was not the case with T, try as I might, finding information if he were dead or alive proved to be a futile attempt. I tried search engines, social networking sites, etc. Nothing except an old Friendster profile from god knows how long ago. Alas I had nothing to do with this worried feeling I had; I tried texting him, the same no response, and tonight, I called just for one last attempt to see if he was alive. He didn't answer, no surprise. And on the message I just asked, nicely, I thought, if he could just send me an email, didn't have to be anything detailed or in depth, just something so I could know he was alive. An empty email for all I care. Did he? Not a chance.
So as I was working on my homework tonight, a discussion in my graduate school thread about finding "hard to find" biographical information (oooh us crazy librarians!) came up, and someone mentioned that after searching through obscure sites and really wracking her brain for ways to find it, she had realized she had overlooked some of the most basic sites because she automatically assumed they would be no use for her. This struck a chord with me. Hmmm. Of course! Once an online dater, always an online dater is what I've found, and most of the guys that I've met on jdate, or the onion, or craigslist even, usually have a dating profile on at least one of the other sites. So I chose the most basic, well known online dating website and did a search for a 30 y/o man within 5 miles from me. Voila! There he was, and active within 5 days. Now it's been 9 days since I first called him to wish him a good first day of work, 6 days since I emailed him... so did he get my email? Most likely. Did he get my phone calls/text messages, most likely as well. When I think about the time I spent, worrying about his well being, besides the intense anger, I have to laugh. Because seriously, this guy was SO not worth the effort. Did I like him, without a doubt. Would I have liked to have seen him more, most definitely. But if at 30 years old, you are incapable of sending someone an email, the most passive form of human interaction, just to MAN up to the fact that you are no longer interested, than seriously, you are not worth my time. T had every opportunity to back out graciously too, without all this drama. He just started a new job, and could have used the excuse that he was just too busy to date anyone right now. Ok, I would have been hurt and disappointed, but I wouldn't have been over here wondering and waiting.
What kind of person at 30 (almost 31 mind you!) doesn't know how to have a normal human interaction? I mean don't guys ever outgrow the childish avoidance behavior. I see it a lot in my 10 year old students, and it is mostly the boys. If I say something to a girl that they don't like, they yell back at me. If I say something to a boy that he doesn't like, he puts his hands over his head or turns his back and refuses to respond. I feel like this is T's way of putting his hands over his head, and being a coward. Yes, it's hard to reject someone, and I know well enough how hard it is to just say, please leave me alone (re: the subway stalker), but it's the right thing to do. If this had been one or two dates and he did this, I am sure I would have responded much differently. However, after 5 dates, where he was expressing just as much (if not more) interest in me, I believe I deserve at the very least a passive one line email.
I could go the route of belittling him, and listing every reason why he's not good enough for me, and exposing all of his vulnerabilities that he revealed in the short time we knew each other. It would make me feel better momentarily. But I'm not a woman scorned here, I didn't love him, he didn't do me some great injustice. He's just a little boy who hasn't grown up enough in his abilities to deal with women. I don't understand why guys don't think a mature woman can't handle a little honesty. I'm much better at dealing with rejection than dealing in the unknown.
I took a chance on this guy, and it didn't work out. There are plenty of other chances out there (good news for the blog), I'm a little angry that I cancelled dates with 3 other potentials to see where this one went, maybe I missed out on something great, who knows maybe I'll give one of them a call...
to be continued...
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Unsettled.
I went out Friday night for my friend's birthday dinner. I was walking up 2nd Ave, and suddenly realized I was standing on the corner where the drunk guy passed out and almost died on my He Said, She Said date. It was a warm night, for being November and all, and there were a few people eating outdoors at the Mexican restaurant where the date took place. Thinking back to that hilarious scene during my dating frenzy, made me think how weird it was that it's been 3 months since then, and I feel like I'm in quite a different place.
I had my hopes set on T being a good relationship. I didn't set expectations on it, and I didn't over plan/think the relationship. It was going smoothly, we had 5 really awesome dates, each one getting progressively more enjoyable than the next. He talked in terms of the future. What we would do together, the things he wanted to show me... This wasn't your average "I want to get laid" talk. He was laying the groundwork for a relationship. He said he wanted to take things slow, it was only our 5th date after all, he said. When I was leaving the night of our 5th date, he insisted on walking me out to the train, even though I told him I'd be fine. Once we got outside, he convinced me to let him drive me home. He dropped me off at my apartment, and we kissed goodbye. I wished him a good first week of work at his new job, even though I was sure I would talk to him soon. That was 8 days ago. I haven't heard from him since. And not from lack of trying on my part. I called him Monday morning to wish him a good first day at his new job. Didn't hear back from him. Emailed him Thursday, just to check in, see how his week was... Didn't hear back from him. Called him Saturday, marking my final attempt of contacting him, just to say hi, and that I would be in his neighborhood for some writing... and shockingly... didn't hear back from him. So, I spent a good portion of the weekend feeling a mixture of foolishness, anger, and worry. Foolish for trying so hard all week, but after 5 dates, I didn't honestly think anything of it. Angry for believing that this guy was for real... and angry for still believing it. Part of me doesn't want to give up just yet... part of me believes he's going to call me sometime this week and have a REALLY good explanation for why he has dropped off the face of the earth. And finally worried, worried that something could have happened to him, and I would have no way of knowing. The likelihood of that happening is slim, I'm sure. But I can't shake the feeling that something is completely off. He also hasn't logged into his profile on the dating site since the 2nd, which I at first took as a very good sign... but now that it's been over a week since I've talked to him, and he hasn't been scoping out new potentials, I'm a little concerned. I've had guys disappear before, drop off and never call me again. Completely ignore emails, and such. But this is weird... and I can't shake the feeling. I don't know what to make of the situation. I don't think I want to go back out there, dating more guys than I can keep track of.
So, as far as I can tell... I'm done with T. Which makes me sad. I hope there will be more to add to this incomplete story at some point down the line. But for now there is nothing left to say.
I had my hopes set on T being a good relationship. I didn't set expectations on it, and I didn't over plan/think the relationship. It was going smoothly, we had 5 really awesome dates, each one getting progressively more enjoyable than the next. He talked in terms of the future. What we would do together, the things he wanted to show me... This wasn't your average "I want to get laid" talk. He was laying the groundwork for a relationship. He said he wanted to take things slow, it was only our 5th date after all, he said. When I was leaving the night of our 5th date, he insisted on walking me out to the train, even though I told him I'd be fine. Once we got outside, he convinced me to let him drive me home. He dropped me off at my apartment, and we kissed goodbye. I wished him a good first week of work at his new job, even though I was sure I would talk to him soon. That was 8 days ago. I haven't heard from him since. And not from lack of trying on my part. I called him Monday morning to wish him a good first day at his new job. Didn't hear back from him. Emailed him Thursday, just to check in, see how his week was... Didn't hear back from him. Called him Saturday, marking my final attempt of contacting him, just to say hi, and that I would be in his neighborhood for some writing... and shockingly... didn't hear back from him. So, I spent a good portion of the weekend feeling a mixture of foolishness, anger, and worry. Foolish for trying so hard all week, but after 5 dates, I didn't honestly think anything of it. Angry for believing that this guy was for real... and angry for still believing it. Part of me doesn't want to give up just yet... part of me believes he's going to call me sometime this week and have a REALLY good explanation for why he has dropped off the face of the earth. And finally worried, worried that something could have happened to him, and I would have no way of knowing. The likelihood of that happening is slim, I'm sure. But I can't shake the feeling that something is completely off. He also hasn't logged into his profile on the dating site since the 2nd, which I at first took as a very good sign... but now that it's been over a week since I've talked to him, and he hasn't been scoping out new potentials, I'm a little concerned. I've had guys disappear before, drop off and never call me again. Completely ignore emails, and such. But this is weird... and I can't shake the feeling. I don't know what to make of the situation. I don't think I want to go back out there, dating more guys than I can keep track of.
So, as far as I can tell... I'm done with T. Which makes me sad. I hope there will be more to add to this incomplete story at some point down the line. But for now there is nothing left to say.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
A break to write a book.
I apologize right now for the fact that I will not be updating my blog for the month of November. I signed up for NaNoWriMo, so on top of everything else I am trying to balance in my life, I will be writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. I'm only 6,500 words in, which means I'm behind, I should be at 11,000 words approximately. I wrote 5,000 of that tonight, woohoo. (Yes, that means before tonight, I was RIDICULOUSLY behind.)
A quick update. T and I have been on 2 more dates since the last post. Both have been really great. I realize what I like the most about dating T is that I have no expectations on how things "should" be. I am just taking it as it comes, and not stressing about it too much. I don't have time to stress about it, and it really makes the dating part all that much more enjoyable. I enjoy the time when I'm with him, and I leave knowing that it won't be too long before we're on the next date. My busy schedule is kind of limiting how much time I can really spend seeing him.
In the past I feel like I've scheduled my life around the guy I was dating, but now I feel like I'm scheduling my dating around my life. What a nice feeling.
A quick update. T and I have been on 2 more dates since the last post. Both have been really great. I realize what I like the most about dating T is that I have no expectations on how things "should" be. I am just taking it as it comes, and not stressing about it too much. I don't have time to stress about it, and it really makes the dating part all that much more enjoyable. I enjoy the time when I'm with him, and I leave knowing that it won't be too long before we're on the next date. My busy schedule is kind of limiting how much time I can really spend seeing him.
In the past I feel like I've scheduled my life around the guy I was dating, but now I feel like I'm scheduling my dating around my life. What a nice feeling.
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