In my defense...

Last night D and I met up at a friend's bar, where D got to meet one of my best friends. This is a big enough step for me and a significant gesture. This friend did not get to meet the last guy that I dated at length, and insists that I always hide the people I date from my friends. I don't think this is true. All of the guys I have dated at length have, at one time or another, met most of my friends. It's different than having someone meet the family, which I've only had 2 guys meet my parents while I was actually dating them. One of them was my ex who I dated for over 2 years and I lived with him for part of the time, the other...well... I'm not sure why I thought bringing him home would matter. It certainly didn't matter to him. But the latter is the one that 2 of my closest friends in the city did not get to meet, so they are constantly insisting that I hide people when I am dating them. But now neither of them can say anything, one has met D (and currently stands as my only friend who has), and the other was the only person who got to meet T... lot's of good that did!

So I thought the date was going well enough, we had some wine and some food. D got to talk a bit to my friend, and seemed to do just fine with the interactions. We stayed at the bar for about 2 hours, but we were both pretty tired. D made it CLEAR that he did not want to go back to his apartment, and I had noticed he was acting less affectionate than he had on previous dates. I'm a pretty good judge of picking up on subtleties, and I could sense something, though I wasn't sure what, was going to happen before the end of the evening.

We walked down to Rockefeller Center which, for after midnight, was still bustling with tourists and New Year's Eve anticipation. We walked further down to Bryant Park, which was closed... so we sat on the cold marble steps leading up to the park. For it being the 30th of December, and we were able to sit outside for over an hour, I must say the weather is frightening (although we both did get ridiculously cold). Anyway, we had the DTR, but decided to keep things at the status quo. Some points that were brought up lead me to believe that D may not be as far out of his last relationship as he thinks he is or he thinks that I'm expecting this to be more than it is. As a rule for relationships, I've learned not to expect. I don't go into dates wondering if this is going to be the guy I'm going to marry, I am happy with what I have while I have it. No expectations, and if it ends, so be it. I'm not sure really at all what we agreed to really, just that we are going to continue doing things the way that we have been and we're not going to be dating anyone else. His biggest concern was our lack of common interests, which was kind of surprising to me, because we have a lot more common interests than most of the guys I've dated in the past. So I don't know a whole lot about video games and game theory (seriously, I just learned what a Wii was 3 weeks ago...), but that doesn't mean I can't learn. Anyway, nothing was resolved in that area, but I think we're on the same page. We're dating just each other, but keeping things how they have been, which I'm not sure what that means. This was by far the shortest date we've had thus far, clocking in at just under 4 hours. I won't see him for New Year's, which is ok, it's a bit early for that maybe, but I will see him before he goes to Switzerland for the week on business sometime later this week. What this means for the blog though... well as long as he has no complaints, I'll continue what I've been doing (he does read this, so it's not a big secret), and we'll just keep it casual.

Assembly Required

So after 4 dates, I usually don't post in depth about the dates because it risks too much exposure about the dates that could be leading into something more serious.

But my 4th date with D was on Tuesday night this week, right after I got back to the city from having been at my parent's house for the weekend. I told him that I would go there, since he came to Brooklyn last time. We met up on UES and walked to a pseudo-trendy Thai restaurant, which he maybe thought I was going to complain about how far the walk was because he kept saying that it was kind of far... this is probably due to the shoe incident, where I complained about walking from 86th to 93rd street, but that was ONLY because my feet hurt. This was one avenue over and 9 blocks down, not very far at all, and I wouldn't have complained anyway.

During dinner, things were fine for the most part until we started talking about performance reviews at jobs. He mentioned his would be coming up within the next few months, and I made some sort of comment of how teachers are reviewed based on observations, and I think it's unfair to judge an entire year of teaching based on one lesson that the principal came in and watched. D made some sort of statement, which I'm not sure exactly still how he meant it, but he definitely said that students' improvements through standardized tests should be the basis of how well teachers teach. Oh. Well. I LOST it, I mean, I feel bad for the people sitting at the table next to us, because I was practically screaming at him, and I think I compared D at one point to George Bush, and I was angry. Like ready to walk back to the subway and chalk this up to another failed series of dates. Besides the actual disagreement that took place, I also discovered that I don't really like D's arguing style. I argue a lot, especially with the person that I'm dating, so if I'm not argumentative-compatible with someone, that's a serious factor. My biggest problem was that he would constantly interrupt me. I am a fair fighter, and I let people finish what they are saying when they are trying to make a point. D would interject over me, constantly, even when I would say "let me finish what I'm saying," he would still talk over me. Despite the fact that is just completely rude, it also makes it seem like he doesn't validate anything that I'm saying, and just wants his point to be heard. That just intensified the anger. So maybe 20 minutes later, we resolved the argument, and headed out of the restaurant. I want to clarify that the argument is not what I had a problem with, yes, I clearly disagreed with what he said, but I welcome all types of arguments and disagreements. It makes the relationship more interesting. My biggest problem was HOW he argued. If this is going to work, we're going to need to work out some sort of system to argue better.

We went back to his apartment, at which point I brought up yet another concern I had been having regarding D. The truth is, he only owns 2 pairs of shoes, work shoes and sneakers. That's fine. I don't expect a guy to own multiple pairs of color coordinated shoes to match every outfit, but the few pairs he does have should at least, well, at be decent? His work shoes are fine, I don't have any complaints about those. They are black work shoes, I do think he should probably own a pair of brown shoes to wear with brown... but that's the only issue I have with those. The sneakers, now these are a completely different story all together. All black Reebok sneakers, seen here. At first I thought I was overreacting, they are just shoes, right? So I told a couple of my friends, just to see what their reactions were. My one friend, who is male and completely straight, told me that ANYONE that I meet that wears those shoes should be immediately taken to the nearest shoe store to remedy the problem. This was the general reaction of most of my friends, and that if he doesn't know any better, then it's completely up to me to teach him so. I'm not sure how flexible D is with his shoes, but I definitely voiced my opinion on his shoes and did not hold back.

The rest of the date progressed normally, we watched a few episodes of Coupling (which he owns all 4 seasons of, a definite plus!), we made out, it was getting late. There was no mention on his part as to me leaving, and I didn't make any mention of what time I had to be home. It came up at one point, and we decided that I would spend the night. I slept over, not well I might add. Although, I think it takes practice and getting used to sharing a bed with someone. And then there is the morning, which makes everything seem different. I usually start to doubt things in the morning when I've stayed somewhere that I hadn't been planning. Mornings are bright and clear, things that seemed a good idea in the evening, seem less of a good idea in daylight. But the morning wasn't bad, partly because I had a toothbrush in my bag. We stayed in bed for a while, and eventually got up. D has a professional-style espresso maker, and he makes a damn good latte. It was a nice way to start the morning, especially without having to go out. So we had some lattes, and then we played on the Wii. We went through all the sports on Wii Sports except for Boxing. Bowling is still my favorite, but I got considerably better at tennis, and golf was a lot more fun than I expected it to be too. I sucked at baseball.. we'll leave it at that.

At some point during the morning, I had noticed an Ikea bookshelf, still in it's box, blocking the hallway. I mentioned that I am pretty capable at putting together Ikea furniture, since ALL my furniture seems to have come from there and I have put it all together on my own. So I offered at some point to help him put his shelf together. We decided to go out and get some bagels first, good choice, the bookshelf was a LONG process. Much longer than I expected. I forgot why I usually put together my furniture by myself... it's because putting it together with someone else is STRESSFUL. It's not a fun experience to begin with, and at one point, where something wasn't working the way it should, I definitely looked at him and said, "I don't know that I know you well enough to be doing this with you..." But after all was said and done, it came together pretty well and then it was long past time that I went home. From 6:30 the night before to 4:30 yesterday, 22 hours is plenty of time for a fourth date. So where to from here? I don't know, there has still been no DTR (defining the relationship), there are still the compatibility issues that I am questioning... the shoes (not really), the ex... they are all factors.

The Ex-Factor

Not a dating story. An ex-dating story.

I have been in little contact with my most serious ex over the past two years since we've broken up. Not because I think he's a bad person (although we did not end our relationship on very good terms) or because I wish him any sort of ill will, I just think some doors are better left shut. I don't mind having the occasional IM conversation with him, but besides the one time I saw him when I stopped by his apartment over the summer to pick up some of my stuff, I haven't seen him since the day we decided our relationship wasn't going to go any further than it had. True there were a lot of hurt feelings in there, and I didn't WANT to see him for quite a while. This summer was really nerve wracking, I remember, the first time I was going to see him in almost 2 years.

That night was weird for me. It was definitely hard going back to the apartment I had lived in for over a year. It was hard seeing everything that was different, and even harder to see what was the same. It was almost like stepping into a time machine, and transporting myself back 2 years. He hasn't changed much at all. I think he's actually more like he was than it should be humanly possible. We hung out briefly that night, it was mostly me moving about 4 boxes of stuff I still had there (How could I have so much stuff in one small apartment?) and us awkwardly catching up on small talk (family, friends, etc.). Since then, we had a few IM conversations, all of which result in him telling me that he really wants to hang out with me and catch up.

One Friday evening, I got a text message from him, asking me how far from Sheepshead Bay I was... I replied that I had no idea, why? He mentioned that he was going to be there that Sunday, and wanted to come by and see my apartment. Now... I don't mind hanging out with him in neutral territory, but I honestly don't see any reason to introduce him into a completely new area of my life. Thankfully, I was going to be in Connecticut that day anyway, so it was not an issue. Maybe a few weeks later (it was Thanksgiving weekend, if I remember correctly), he IMed me and asked me if I was going home for the holiday. I was, of course, and told him so. He asked me when I was going to be coming back to the city, to which I replied, depending on traffic either Saturday night or Sunday early. He said, well if you come back on Saturday, you can stop by my apartment and I'll take you to dinner. I said something along the lines of "we'll see" and never mentioned it again. The few times we chatted online since then, he's been pretty adamant about us getting together. I told him that I would be home over Christmas and if he wanted to get together, he could drive down here. I had no idea that he actually would.

Today, he asked me what I was doing and truth be told, I wasn't doing much of anything. He mentioned that he had to go to his grandparents' house but then wanted to know if I wanted to get together tonight. I had nothing better to do, so sure... why not. Might be interesting to sit down and catch up, and in my mind there was no chance of anything happening, I thought he understood that too.

Around 7:30 he texted me that a certain movie he wanted to see was playing, and asked if I wanted to meet him at his apartment. I replied that the point was that he was going to come down here, see the dog (we had a dog when we were living together, who now - although he is my dog - lives with my parents.), and we'd catch up. He asked me if I wanted to see a movie down here then... Exasperated, I responded that I hadn't realized that a movie had ever been part of the plan, and I really wasn't in the mood to actually go out somewhere tonight. He was definitely nervous about coming to my parents' house, because he's nervous about seeing my parents. Understandable. If I ever left someone else's stuff outside my apartment like trash and changed the locks on them (after parting originally on amicable terms), I'd be pretty nervous to see their parents too. I assured him that my parents were at a friend's house for Christmas Eve dinner, and not to worry, they weren't mad at him anyway. (Tis true... after telling my parents what happened with my stuff, my dad's first question to me was "well, what did YOU do?" nice, huh?) I think my parents would have liked to see him, although they thought it was strange that he was coming over. But they would not have been mean to him, they just aren't like that. Regardless, they weren't home. So after he texts me that he's on his way, he sends me another text. And this was the one that made me regret ever inviting him over here in the first place, he says "by the way, would it be bad to kiss you?" I read that, and my first thought was YES! But i didn't want to be mean, so I just kindly wrote back that it would be best if we didn't go down that road. Seriously, if I had known he was really going to try something, then I don't think I would have invited him. Feeling guilty, especially after having the whole conversation with D about his ex on Thursday, I was feeling a bit hypocritical. I was talking to D on IM at the time, so I just told him that my ex was coming over... I don't know if that was too much information, and I'm getting the feeling that sometimes I "over share" with D. He didn't need to know what I was doing tonight, and since nothing was going to happen, I shouldn't tell him. But I felt guilty, and like a hypocrite... So I told him. and his response was more or less along the lines of "So?" Yeah, there I was feeling rather foolish, and quite embarrassed for even bringing it up, and not knowing how to continue the conversation from there. I shouldn't have said anything; we haven't had any defining conversations. For all I know, he's dating other girls and I'm allowed to date/spend time with whomever I choose without him knowing about it. I hate that I only really talk to him over IM or texts in between dates, because I can't really gauge how he's feeling/reacting to something... grr. Internet dating.

My ex was here for about 2 and half hours, and we just sat around and talked. I made dinner for myself (offered him some, but he didn't want anything - he's all religious now, keeps kosher and everything.) and even though it probably was Kosher (Vegetarian Pad Thai from Trader Joe's), he wasn't having any of it. So I ate, and we talked. It was kind of like our IM conversations, but in person. We talked about very surface level things, his family, my family, the dogs, my job, his job, showed him pictures from my sister's wedding (which he was at, but we broke up before the pictures came in). All were very safe topics. And then he had to go. He gave me a hug goodbye, and did not try to kiss me.

It's really a relieving feeling when you can spend so much time with someone that you used to have much deeper feelings for, only to be reassured as to why things would have never worked out in the end. My ex is a good person, and I will always be interested and care about how he is doing, but I can safely say that I do not think we will have a friendship that is anything more than a casual acquaintance.

What Cool Looks Like.

Ok, so in further consideration on names, I think D should be referred to as the Wii guy instead (but he won't, because D just is easier), since apparently, that's what everyone seems to notice (or think is cool). Not only am I out of the loop of video games, I am just out of the loop on what cool looks like in general.

One thing I do know, is what cool does NOT look like. It has everything to do with a fork...

Last night we met up at the tea lounge where D had spent some of the afternoon, just hanging out and reading (lucky bastard was off this whole week and next). I was exhausted and had a rather bad day at school that day, resulting in 5 of my students getting in-school suspension, which actually made for a fantastic last day of school before break. Anyway, I was kind of cranky and rather tired, which doesn't make for good dating. Especially after 2 really good dates previously. I had made a few suggestions for dinner, but D is apparently a much pickier eater than I had realized, and vetoed the first place we went. So on top my already bad day, the thought of having to walk around and find some place for this picky eater to eat, did not really thrill my senses. I am not very good at masking my displeasure when it comes to things like this, and he could definitely tell I was not in a good mood. So we ended up going to a very casual cafe style place not far from my apartment. D got the mac-n-cheese, a good choice in anyone's book. However, when it came time to eat said mac-n-cheese... I noticed something was a little off... Now, I'm not an etiquette snob, and I'm most certainly not a stickler for rules... but he just was holding his fork completely wrong! I laughed because on our first date, he was telling me about a conversation he had with his parents recently about how he held his fork incorrectly. I have to say I'd agree. He doesn't see anything wrong with how he holds his fork, function over form, he says. I checked with Emily Post on this one...

"As soon, therefore, as his hand is dexterous enough, the child must be taught to hold his fork, no longer gripped baby-fashion in his fist, but much as a pencil is held in writing; only the fingers are placed nearer the “top” than the “point,” the thumb and two first fingers are closed around the handle two-thirds of the way up the shank, and the food is taken up shovel-wise on the turned-up prongs. " Emily Post's The Kindergarten of Etiquette. (http://www.bartleby.com/95/35.html)

Not a big deal at all really, but it was a point of discussion for a good portion of dinner. I felt much better after eating and chatting some more. My mood had definitely improved over the course of dinner. The insecurities I had talked about in the previous post came up once over dinner, but I was steadfast with my conviction that I was not going to talk about it. He seemed to respect that, but I could tell that he was trying very hard to figure out what it was. We left the restaurant and noticed a fairly new store that has opened on Smith St. (no surprise there, new things pop up left and right in my neighborhood, and I don't notice unless it's on a direct path with something I see frequently enough.) We went into the store and browsed for a while. It was fun, and it's also interesting to see someone else's shopping persona. I am not a big fan of shopping with other people, I do my best shopping (and by best I mean spend the most time and money...) by myself. I don't usually like shopping with people, especially guys, I find they tend to get impatient and whiny really quickly, and it's not worth the hassle. But when you are dating someone, it happens, and it's good to know a person's shopping style early on I guess. D was a good shopper, didn't complain, actually seemed pretty interested in the stuff in the store (it did have a lot of cool things, so maybe it's not a good test sample. Maybe the Atlantic Terminal during holiday madness would be a better test.) But for a preliminary run, he did just fine.

After the store, I wasn't sure which way the date was going to go. We had talked about keeping it short. I had a lot to do last night for today at school, but since the date started off on slightly rocky footing, I invited him to come back to my apartment. He was a great help putting together the presents I gave to my kids (bags of pens, pencils, candy). He calculated exactly how many of each type of candy the students should get, and it was done much quicker than had I done it all on my own.

We then got to talking some more, and of course my insecurities came up again. I was really unsure if I wanted to tell him what was really bothering me, because it didn't seem like something that should be talked about on a third date. It involves an ex (his) whom I have met (not through him), and who is not completely over him, and they are still friends. It makes me feel insecure (even though he assures me that he is completely done with that and she knows that), which makes me feel a little better, but it's still there in the back of my head. I can empathize with the ex completely also... I've been that girl before. I know what it's like. But we talked, and I think we were both pretty open about it, which is a nice change. I like knowing exactly where I stand, and while I may not know EXACTLY where I stand... he does, and I think I have a pretty good idea.

So after talking and making out on the couch for a little while, it some how became past midnight. He had a long train ride ahead of him, and I had to be up extra early this morning. I am going home to my parents' house for the holiday weekend so we made plans to see each other over the following week since we are both available. Overall, the date progressed nicely, despite my cranky behavior in the beginning.

So, a break for the holidays, but there will be more to follow.

The Longer.

So as promised earlier today...

the "more" of the date from yesterday.

Here's the nitty gritty...

We had originally planned a Thursday night 2nd date, but after a series of texts on Sunday, the guy (ok... time for a "blog name..." from here on out let's call him D, so original, I know), so D texted me and asked me if I was free Monday night instead. I was, and it actually works better for me because Monday I get out before 4, Thursday not until 5:30... so I could easily get into the city at a reasonable hour on Monday. I opted for a pair of heels, not my best dating choice... Let's just say my walking ability was hindered slightly.

So the getting to the date part actually was a nightmare. The C train was blocked at Ralph Ave. and we were told that the entire A/C was not running in Brooklyn. Not true, it was just the Ralph Ave. stop. Anyway, after a long wait for crowded buses, my co-worker drove me and some of my other co-workers to the J train, where we took that into Manhattan and transferred to the F train, about an hour long ordeal. So much for getting into the city early. So after a long ride on the J and the F, standing the whole time in uncomfortable shoes on the F... I made it to Bryant Park. Immediately my mood was lifted. It's the holidays and the city is bustling with holiday markets, trees, lights, it's beautiful, if not a bit cheesey/overkill. But it still made me smile.

So, D and I met up in the holiday market at the large tree in the middle. It was nice and easy, and comfortable again right away. We decided to head up to the UES for dinner. I know that choosing this restaurant put me indefinitely closer to his apartment, and well... potentially physical situations. I chose it anyway, why not? He was in my apartment on Saturday. Seems fair. After walking to the train, standing on the train up to 86th street, and then having to walk up to 93rd (I was told it was only 91st!!), my feet felt like they were being put through a meat grinder. And I felt so bad, but my feet HURT. I was complaining the entire way, I'm sure he thought that was awesome. So the entire walk there was really revolving around how much my feet hurt and me apologizing for complaining so much. If we did talk about anything else, the memory of the pain has blocked that out. We reach the restaurant, sit, and ahhh.. I can think again.

We had a nice dinner, with some decent wine and conversation. Then the topic came up of what we were going to do after dinner. There were two options basically on the table... back to his apartment.. or home. I chose his apartment. A) it was closer B) it was early C) I wanted to go to his apartment D) all of the above. He was gracious enough to suggest that we take the crosstown bus back to his place, and not struggle with me walking from Lex to York. Yikes. I'm not usually opposed to walking, and it was a great night... but my feet.

Back at his place, we stopped to pick up some gum/tic tacs (dinner was onion-y) and then up to his apartment. I have been in a few guys apartments since moving to the city, but if I had to draw in my mind a "typical guys" apartment, it would probably look much like this. And maybe I've found someone who can truly rival me in messiness? That could be dangerous!

We made out for a while, and it was nice, and before I knew it, it got pretty late. So, instead of leaving, he decided to show me his Wii (pronounced "we" sounds dirty... it's not! It's a Nintendo, go figure.), and I'm not really knowledgeable on the video games (clearly, I didn't know what a Wii was!), being that I can't remember the last time I played one... well until last night. So he wanted me to try out the Wii controller, and they have a bowling game on there, so of course, I'm sold! I love bowling more than anything else. I was really nervous at first about playing. I'm not sure why. Maybe I thought he'd think less of me if I wasn't good at video games? I don't know, but I was suddenly very nervous and self conscious. Not a feeling I deal well with, especially after feeling so comfortable with someone. Eventually I loosened up, and managed a good game in bowling, and then we tested out the tennis game... which I absolutely sucked at. But I did get a *little* (and by little, I mean not much really at all) bit better after a few rounds. It's a tricky thing... the Wii. I might need some more practice.

After the games, it was definitely late, and I had a bus and two trains to catch to get home. And after a 6 hour date, following a 9.5 hour date, it's been marathon dating. D walked me to the bus, and waited there with me in the cold (so nice!) until the bus came. Even after all that time we had just spent together, I was surprised that I was just a teensy bit sad that I had to go - it may have been the dread of the trip ahead of me as well. Surprisingly it took me less time than I imagined it would to get home, a little over an hour, but coming from the UES around midnight... it wasn't so bad. So, I got home around 1, and passed out.

I've been contemplating why I got self-conscious and nervous when we played the video games, and I've finally put my finger on it... I'm going to let it percolate over the next few days. We have a third date on Thursday, and I'm really looking forward to it. I just hope I don't let my insecurities get in the way before then.

Short and Sweet.

2nd date with guy from the weekend last night.

More to come...

Briefly: I wore bad shoes and my feet hurt all night, we went to dinner, there was some making out at his place. A scheduled 3rd date. I got home way too late and I'm really tired today.

Comfortable

I'm not sure that I want to blog about good dates anymore. After all that happened with T, I feel really cautious about trusting someone else's signals... even though they seem crystal clear.

So today, I had a date. I broke a rule that I usually follow with dates with this one. I talked to him A LOT before we met. After talking to him, via IM, phone, or email every day since Monday, I was wondering if we would have anything to talk about. So the date... It started at 3pm. We met at the fountain by Borough Hall and walked down Montague street to the Promenade. It was a beautifully clear, warm December afternoon. Amazing weather. So we walked along the Promenade which has great views of the Brooklyn Bridge and lower Manhattan. From there we continued along through Brooklyn Heights down into Dumbo. (Some of you may be thinking... this walk sounds VERY familiar! I do take many people on this very walk.) We stopped at Jacques Torres for some very wicked hot chocolate. The wicked hot chocolate is spiced with chili peppers, and it's quite good. It's well worth a walk. Things were ok at this point. We were talking, making early on-awkward conversation. It helped that he had never been to that area before, even though he used to work right there! It's always nice to have a new audience to show the pretty things and expose to the best hot chocolate in the world. We walked over to Empire Fulton Ferry State Park, which is a small park that is tucked away between the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges. It's right on the water, and it's a really nice, quiet place to sit, talk, and enjoy the hot chocolate. We sat for a little while, then walked back into downtown Brooklyn Heights. About an hour had passed by this point, and I wasn't really sure if he was interested, or if I was. If he had said at that point that he had to go home, I wouldn't have been surprised, but he didn't. We continued walking all the way down Court Street, and decided to go to the Tea Lounge to sit and warm up for a bit. We sat at the Tea Lounge and talked for at least 3 hours. Things at that point started to get a lot more comfortable, and we both opened up a lot more.

We stayed at the Tea Lounge until 8pm or so, when we moved the date over to my neighborhood Thai restaurant (yes, my dating one!) where we were the only ones in the place (We passed Joya, and it was WAY too crowded and loud). The food was good, and the conversation continued well through dinner. After dinner, it was around 9:30, and I don't think either of us wanted the date to end. He suggested that we go get a drink, so we walked around and went to a local neighborhood bar, not far from my apartment. We drank wine and talked, and at some point we started not holding hands exactly, but definitely finger-playing and hands on top of hands. There was a lot of hand touching... I don't really know how to explain it. It was very comfortable though, it felt really natural. I mean I guess after 6 hours with someone, it might feel natural with anyone. But I don't know it felt easy. We left the bar around 11:30, and I made a comment that if we spent a half hour more together, our date would be 2 days long. So he said, let's spend the half hour then... We couldn't figure out anything to do for the last half hour, so he decided he'd just walk me back to my apartment and we'd call it a night, 8 and a half hours was plenty long for a first date. (Although we did discuss that probably around the 4th hour or so, it became a second date)

He walked me to my apartment, and kissed me goodnight. We stood outside my gate kissing for quite a while, when finally I asked him to come upstairs. We kissed for a little bit on the couch. We definitely made it past the midnight mark. Around 12:10 I heard my roommate coming up the stairs, and I panicked slightly. I grabbed his coat, and told him it was probably time he got going. I did a quick introduction to the roommate, and practically dragged him out of the apartment. It wasn't that I minded him being there, I just felt a little strange with my roommate coming home, and it was still our first date and all... So we kissed by the door some more, and he made certain that I knew he was interested in seeing me again. So about 9 and a half hours after the date began, it ended.

He texted me not 10 minutes later, asking me for a "third" date. :) I'm happy. Actually, slightly giddy right now. I know I should be cautious, I should guard my heart and not get these damn expectations up.... but it's just hard not to. I felt really comfortable with him and I'm not really sure why, but I'm pretty sure he feels similarly to me.

The Salute

Tonight was my first date in over a month. This has been the longest span I've gone without a date in over a year... possibly longer. And I'm not sure how I feel about the date in general. He was nice, yes. Cute, in my type of way. Intelligent, but not arrogant about it. He's a tallish, lanky, bespectacled computer programmer (I do seem to have a type - no?) from the midwest. I think on paper it went well and we had 3 hours of really good conversation - but there may not be the level of attraction that is necessary to advance this any further. Here's how it all played out...

We met up at a bar that was a few blocks from my apartment, and I felt really well prepared for this date. We had many lengthy email exchanges prior to the date, which sometimes sets the stage for disaster. I had done my research on him (of course!) prior to the date, and found through myspace that we actually have a mutual friend. I decided not to reveal my stalker tendencies to him before we met though. We had arranged to meet at the bar around 7:45ish, and I wanted to be there early, so leaving my apartment at 7:38 allowed me this. I walk in and I see a guy sitting at the bar. He had brown hair, glasses, and even though he didn't really look like the guy I was supposed to be meeting, some people don't photograph consistently. So I kind of smiled at the guy who was sitting at the bar, ordered my drink, and waited to see if the guy at the bar would come over and introduce himself. Ahh, he did not. And when he spoke to the bartender I heard he had a very thick European accent, definitely not the midwestern boy I was supposed to be meeting. No sooner do I realize this does my real date show up, looking just like his pictures, well as much as one does look like their photographs online.

We shook hands, and sat at the bar. It wasn't an awkward initial "do I go for the hug/handshake?" question like I had on my first date with T, this guy is just a handshake type guy. So we talked for hours about a lot of different things... my job, the sad state of education in the New York City public schools, books, hometowns, Brooklyn. Really, it was good, natural conversation. Not really first date kind of conversation, but kind of complete strangers who are trying hard not to appear to be strangers conversation... that's the best description I can find.

So around 10:30, he needs to go home, and has a decently long train ride ahead of him (which involves 2 trains, one of them being the G... if you know anything about the G, an off hour train ride can be an unpleasant experience). So, we call it a night, and then my question of how is this going to end starts creeping into my mind... Hug? Handshake? Well.. he had it all figured out. He raised two fingers to his head, and saluted... oh yes. Saluted me goodnight. Wow. I don't know how that plays out in my mind, but I think that's the only thing that would really deter me from seeing this person again. Not that I'm under the impression AT ALL that a salute implies that this guy has any interest in seeing me again. When my roommate asked me when I got home how it went, my best reply was... well, I wouldn't be OPPOSED to seeing him again, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if I didn't.

It's a crying shame.

I hope this will be my last school related post, although I haven't been dating lately, so at least it gives me something to write about.

Before today, I could never imagine having a day like today. It was bad on a scale so unbelievably terrible... I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I've spent most of the day crying or trying not to cry in front of my students. And the best part? It had absolutely nothing to do with my kids.

This morning I got to school early because I had parent conferences with 4 of my students' parents because they've been causing an exceptional amount of problems, and I don't know what to do about it. The meeting was pushed back to 9 pm to accommodate more of the parents' schedules, but no one lets me know that of course. So I arrive in time for an 8 am meeting, find out it's been moved, and go to my room to get some work done. My principal comes up to my room at 8:25, a mere 10 minutes before I need to go pick up my kids. She says she needs to talk to me, and comes into my room. She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't hold teachers hostage at the school and I am more than welcome to leave. What?? Where did that come from? She then goes on to say that I'm just about the worst teacher on staff, and she doesn't understand why I can't do anything that I'm asked to do. At this point, I'm visibly upset, but still trying to hold back my tears because I know I have to go pick up my kids. We had a principals meeting with all the principals from the region and the local and regional superintendents at our school on Wednesday. My principal had been on our backs for about a week straight to get our rooms cleaned, current work up on the bulletins boards, and creating a visible learning environment. I have no problem doing this. I worked my ASS off to get my room ready. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not organized and quite possibly the messiest person that exists. My classroom mirrors that pretty well. She goes on to say that she asked me to do 3 things in my room before Wednesday and I had done none of them. Then, she goes on to tell me that a lot of my students' parents made complaints about me, and that she knows I just hate it here, and why am I still here. At that point I lost it, and really started crying because I HAD done exactly what she asked, I love my students, and I've never gotten anything but positive feedback. In fact when she first told me that a parent had made a complaint about me, I asked her who it was and she told me. I called that parent that night, not to ask specifically about the complaint, but just to see if she had any concerns. The mother told me that she was so glad her son was in my class, and she was so happy I was his teacher, and I was going to be able to do so much for him this year. I told my principal what the mother had said this morning, and her first reaction was, you called her? (which makes me think it was a lie) To which I responded, of course I called her. If she has a problem with something I'm doing, I'd much rather work that out than have issues all year. My principal then said, Well... you know, parents are two-faced. I was floored, and really really upset. I work really hard for my kids, I do a lot of things that a lot of other teachers wouldn't even think to do for their classrooms, and nothing I do is even noticed, let alone appreciated. So after she spent a good half an hour telling me that I'm doing a bad job, everyone thinks so... she said I could either figure out why I can't seem to do anything that I'm told and what can be done to change that, or leave. I'm seriously considering the latter. The best part was when she told me that she was going to tell me last night at 5:30 after I was done teaching test preparation, but she didn't want to ruin my evening and have me upset. So she'd rather ruin my entire day, and have me upset and on the verge of tears ALL day.

I went to go pick up my class, and bumped into the computer teacher. She could tell I had been crying and pulled me into her room to talk. As soon as she asked me, what's wrong? I lost it. I always do. Without a doubt, I can pull myself together and act cool and calm, so long as I don't have to talk about what is really bothering me. So I start crying again, and have to leave just to pull myself together. I finally get to my class, the math coach was watching them (making them walk up and down the hallway) until I got there. And I'm sure they could all tell I had been crying, but only one of them was stupid enough to say something. For the most part, my class was pretty good today, which of course made me even more upset. I then spent most of my morning in the rescheduled parent conference, wondering of course, if these parents were any of the ones that had complained. Usually it is the parents of the worst kids that have the most complaints. Their children aren't succeeding and they need someone or something to blame. Of course it CAN'T be their child's fault. Never.

By the end of the day, I had cried at least 4 or 5 more times. The rest of the staff that I talked to was shocked when I told them, and one teacher who's been there for 6 years told me that this is just the principal's style. She doesn't like teachers who stand up for themselves, so she feels the need to "break" them. I've never been a pushover, and when I really and truly believe in something, I have a hard time just backing down and agreeing to do something I don't think is right or, in this case, best for my students.

I am going to speak with my principal tomorrow. I have formulated what I am going to say to try to explain to her why I "can't seem to do anything that is asked of me" and I'm also going to talk to my Union rep too. I feel attacked, and I don't like being treated like I'm not doing my job when I most certainly am.

If anyone knows of any job openings at other schools in New York or New Jersey, pass them my way!

Something New

I don't usually write about things at my job, because this isn't a job blog. It's a dating blog, and there is absolutely no one of interest for me to date at school... But, just a quick story that really made my day and reminds me why I love working with kids (sometimes).

I've not been at my best the past week or so, and when you work with 18 very hormonal 5th graders, they tend to bring out all the nastiest things in you. I've had 2 very bad days with my students, yesterday and today. Yesterday I was at the point of almost just cashing it all in, subletting my apartment and high-tailing it back to Jersey. But I'm not a quitter. and I'm not going to let these 5th grade brats get the best of me either. I made it through last year which was just one torturous day after another, and left more days crying than not. I haven't cried once this year, so why does it seem so bad? I think because my class seemed so good at first, and now they have hit some sort of rebellious phase and want to fight me on every issue from pencils to their seats. Very trivial issues, but they treat them each with life changing urgency and as if I'm doing them utter injustice.

I teach an after school test preparation program that runs from 3:37 through 5:30, and after 7 hours of children sucking every ounce of energy out of you, it's the most dreaded part of my day. Especially the cafeteria duty. Because the kids stay until 5:30, we take them down from 3:37 until 4 or so and the school feeds them another meal. It's chaotic and poorly run, and we're supposed to police our students at all times. Plain and simple, it sucks.

Today I was dealing with two of my most problematic boys, and the fact that they should have been kicked out of test prep about a week or so ago when they started causing problems to the point where no one in my class gets any work done. I was going to talk to the Assistant Principal when I ran into one of my students from last year. She was one of my favorite students, and I had really missed her since school had started this year. I see some of my students who live nearby and come to pick up younger siblings. Seeing her definitely lifted my mood, and I chatted with her and her father for a little while. At one point, she turned to her father and said, "doesn't she look so beautiful?" and that one comment totally made my day. First of all, I did not look beautiful by anyone's standards. I was wearing my cords, a v-neck sweater with some t's layered underneath, my hair was a mess, glasses, and no make up. But it reminded me that to children, that kind of thing doesn't really matter. You can look and feel terrible, but they have this ability to put you up on a pedestal and see the best in you. I believe that most of my students, whether they admit it (or show it) or not, look up to me as some sort of role model. I am an important figure in their lives, I could probably do a lot more good for them if I gave them more of a chance. So with this happy outlook, I decided to give my problem boys one more chance, really trying to believe that they could do it.

I was wrong, and one was kicked out by the end the day today, and one has one more chance. But it was a nice thought for about half an hour.

Giving Thanks

Sometimes all you need is a little perspective for everything to put back into order. Coming home to my parents house always grounds me a little bit, and re-instills the values in which I am ultimately seeking. The holidays at first make me feel sad, spending them alone. At Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house, I was the only cousin there who is single, and even though not all of the significant others were there, I couldn't help but feel the pressure of that. I felt more so than ever that I need to find someone, even if it's just so I don't have to spend holidays alone. It wasn't my best night, but it did bring about some perspective. I have come to realize that never in my life have I spent a holiday alone. I am so lucky to have a close family, and wonderful parents and siblings. My family has never pressured me with questions like, Why aren't you in a relationship, When are you going to get married? etc. I have friends whose relations do in fact pressure them to be in a relationship, and I can't imagine how awful it must feel. I think I am the worst perpetrator of those pressures in myself. I set time lines as to when I should be meeting people, and how my life should be going. But, I really should take more of my own family's standpoint of: it will happen in time, there's no rush.

So over this holiday season I am going to be thankful for the love and support I have in my life, for my family and amazing friends. I am going to try my hardest not to project where and when I think things should be in my life. I have been talking to 2 new guys though. Both of whom I think have some really good potential (there I go again - projecting!), but it's just been email exchanges at this point. Both of them have extremely different, yet appealing characteristics thus far. Although I should know by now that email exchanges and in person exchanges are two very different interactions.

"It ended bad, but I love what we started"

As promised... the recaps of dates 4 & 5 with T. Now some of you have voiced concern about these being "watered down" because T has the blog link. I promise I will be as honest and as unbiased as possible. He may read this (Hi T!) or he may not. (If I knew someone was writing and posting things about me on the internet, I would read it.) Regardless, I don't feel any anger or upset** about the situation, so these posts should be *almost* as good as if I had blogged them right after they happened (maybe less giddy than I would have been then). I'm glad to have had these two dates, and as my posts are usually driven towards the negative aspects of the dates, I think it's nice to read something good for once.


** After writing the post below, I probably am still upset by how things turned out. But it's hard to write so many good things and believe that it was all a farce.

Date #4 - November 1st
It was a Wednesday night, and as my week goes, Wednesdays are traditionally work nights for me. I spend a lot of time doing school work since it's the only night the local library is open until 8pm. So, I packed up my laptop, my homework for class, school work, and headed down to the library with every intention of staying there until 8 and then moving to the tea lounge (on Court St.) for a quiet place to work on my NaNoWriMo novel. It was the first day I could start writing and I really didn't want to fall behind. While I was walking to the library, my phone rang. It was T. I hadn't talked to him since our last date the previous Friday. (Not For Tourists.) I called him on Sunday when I got back from Connecticut, he called me the following Monday while I was at school, I returned his call that night, and Wednesday was him returning my call. So we chatted while I walked to the library. It was a gorgeously warm evening for the first of November, and T asked me if I wanted to come by to the park and take a walk once I was done my work at the library. I really shouldn't have gone. I had a ton of work to do, but I wanted to see T more than I wanted to start writing my novel, so I did all the classwork I had to do for grad school, and took the train over to Park Slope.

We met outside his building, and walked into the park. T carried my laptop bag for me the whole night, which was really nice, because I was tired of lugging it around. We sat on a bench by the water for a little, and then walked some more, deeper into the park by the man-made waterfall. We made out there for a while. It was dark and romantic, and very nice. For someone as shy though as T claims to be, he was very aggressive in progressing the physical part of the relationship. So after a decent amount of time passed, he asked if I wanted to walk more and go lie on the grass in another part of the park. I agreed that would be nice, and we ended up in one of the larger open fields of the park. It was completely empty, which was really nice for it being such a warm pleasant night out. We sat underneath a beautifully damaged tree. From one side the tree had full foliage and majestic branches. The other side had branches completely broken off by wind. It was such a striking difference from the opposite side of the tree, I marveled in its contrast. The image is still impressed vividly in my mind. We laid in the grass for a while, making out, talking, just enjoying the serenity of the park in opposition to the city. It was during that time that I decided that I really liked him. I wasn't worried what other people were going to think of him, or of the relationship like I usually do. I wasn't concerned if we were doing these dates the way they should or if I should be playing by "the rules." I remember lying there in the grass, turning my head to look at him, and think "Yup, I really like him." and he seemed to really like me too, which of course made things even better. At one point, he asked me if I wanted to come back to his apartment to meet his cat and see his dictionary. (Yes, that was his exact invitation.) Of course, I agreed.

Back in his apartment, I met his adorable cat. I'm not a cat person, but as soon as I walked in his cat rolled onto his side for me to rub his belly. I was hooked. Then came the dictionary. An impressive 2nd edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. I had only seen the multi-volume set, and this is an impressive piece in any collection. He has a small one bedroom apartment, which is really nice, but there is no couch, and his bed is lofted, so there was no where for us to sit together. We ended up lying on his floor, making out, talking, etc (same as the park) for a long time. One of the things he said which made me think he was interested in pursuing a relationship was how it was dangerous that I lived so close, only 4 stops on the F train. He mentioned he'd be missing a lot of sleep. I took that as meaning from spending nights with me. He asked if I wanted to spend the night, and tried to convince me to sleep there, and get up early the next morning to take the train home. I lost track of the time, and before I knew it, it was after midnight. I had to work the next day, I guess I'd be missing night's of sleep as well. But I knew I wasn't ready to spend the night, I did not want to do anything wrong with this one. Before I left, he asked me if I wanted to "do this again very soon." (his words) He said he'd be too tired the next day (Thursday) but asked me out for Friday. I was going home for my friend's birthday in Philly, so I said Saturday would work better for me. He said he didn't know what his plans were, but he would call me by Saturday to let me know.

I was a little surprised then on Friday when I got a phone call from T in the middle of the afternoon. He told me that he had gone to a state park in western New Jersey, and asked me if I wanted to come there Saturday instead of us hanging out in Brooklyn. I told him I'd consider it, and call him around noon the next day to let him know. After weighing the options, I decided I wouldn't go. It would have been a two and half hour drive from my parents' house to get to the park, and another 2+ hours to get back to the city. I was taking Salsa lessons the following morning in Manhattan, so I had to come back to the city Saturday night. The bridge was closed because of the marathon, and it just didn't make sense for me to drive so far out of my way for just a few hours with T. Even though I was disappointed that I wasn't going to get to see T on Saturday, I was glad to have some time to do some writing and work on some of my papers.

Date #5 - November 4th
T called around 11 that morning while I was still at my parents' house (I was supposed to call him at noon, remember). Since I wasn't rushing back to the city for anything, I took my time getting all my work done. He told me that he changed his mind, and he was coming back to the city early instead of staying in New Jersey, and asked me if I wanted to hang out still. Of course I did. So I rushed to get the work done, and headed back into the city. Heinvited me to come to his apartment and we'd order in dinner. Sounded good to me. I feel like there is something more intimate about eating dinner with someone in their own apartment. There are no distractions, it's not for show for anyone else, it's just about the people there.

I got to his place around 6. We ordered in Indian food. I browsed his book collection, played with the cat. It was very comfortable; we talked about a 1994 (?) road atlas, the meaning of the word "dight", poisonous wildflowers, bugs, birds, and his extensive David Attenborough video collection. Things I have little to no extensive prior knowledge on, but that didn't deter my interest. Though, I probably didn't contribute as much to the conversation as much as he might have wanted. When the dinner arrived, T arranged the plates and set up a very nice dinner by candle light and low lighting. Romantic. I wonder why I would be assuming that this guy actually liked me? After dinner, T wanted to show me one of his Attenborough DVDs, but again the lack of couch situation meant we had to sit on the floor. It was ok though, T sat behind me, with me sitting between his legs. Of course we didn't watch the dvd for very long. T was very persistent in trying to move the relationship on a little more physically than I felt comfortable with. I managed (not without struggle) to keep all my clothes on, however. There were no signs to me that I was doing anything that he wasn't enjoying, but apparently I should have been more shy even though he was the aggressor. He invited me again to spend the night, which I again, politely, refused. I thought there was plenty of time, we could take things slow and steady.

When I was ready to leave, it was early enough that I felt that I could take the train back safely by myself. T offered to walk me to the train, but I felt that was unnecessary. He was already at his apartment. Had we been out, I would have said yes. He insisted. We walked outside, and then he insisted on driving me home instead of me taking the train. I argued that it was totally ridiculous for him to drive me home, it's such a short train ride away, and he'd lose his parking spot. He reasoned that he doesn't get to drive all that much in the city, and that he really wanted to drive me home. With much reluctance, I agreed. I try to think back to the conversation we had in the car, if I said something inappropriate, maybe asked too many questions, maybe just was irritating to him. The car ride I feel MUST have been the turning point. Why else would he had still been trying so hard up until that point. He dropped me off at the corner of my street, and I kissed him goodbye. The rest... well, that's history.

In other endings - I had to go to school today (Yes, on Saturday) for a workshop. I got on the local train only one stop before my stop, so I had a quick ride. I stood by the door. I was tired after being out past 2 last night, and not really focused. I hear the door in between cars open and I turned to look at who was coming in.... The Subway Stalker!! But to be perfectly honest, I didn't mind seeing him. He told me that he only has one more day left at his job and then he has to find a new one. We parted after going through the turnstile, he didn't offer to walk me out today. So, this means no more subway rides together. I can't believe this is the end of the Subway Stalker. I think I might just miss him.

"The fool doth think he is wise"

In my anger after posting the last blog, I acted impulsively and sent the blog link in an email to T. A lot of people opposed this idea, saying I shouldn't let him know how much I liked him, I should delete all the previous blogs about him, that it would give him the upper hand. At this point, there is no upper hand, there is no relationship, there will be no more dates. I don't care if he knows that I really liked him, I'm pretty sure I made that abundantly clear anyway. If nothing else, it elicited a response from him, the heart of it being that I'm not shy enough, quiet enough, or bookish enough for him. Ok, in layman's terms - he's just not interested in who I am, why he waited 5 dates and over a week to tell me that? He blames that too on his shyness.

So let's break this down... I'm not shy enough. When I was little, I was extremely shy. I was probably considered shy up until college. I never considered it a good social quality to possess. I grew out of that phase, and even though I guess I am no longer shy by society's standards, I will always think of myself as reserved. As I mentioned this to my roommate after my first date with T, I felt that because he was SO shy I was overcompensating trying NOT to be shy. I guess that didn't work in my favor. But he did tell me on our 3rd date, (the NFT date) that he felt uncharacteristically comfortable with me, is that a bad thing?

Next point: I'm not quiet enough. I'm not awkwardly quiet, no. I'm not extremely loud or garish though either. I think if there were a spectrum of extreme quiet to extreme loudness, I would fall just above the halfway mark closer to loud, but most definitely in the middle somewhere. I can be completely reserved and demure, he just didn't get to know me well enough to see that.

Final Point: Not Bookish. Now I took this comment to heart. "Want to come meet my cat and see my dictionary?" I didn't blog about our 4th date (Because I feel after 3 dates you are wading into relationship territory, and it is a slight betrayal to record every intimate detail - I guess that's fair game now, I'll post 4th and 5th date stories this weekend.) But in preview, that is the line he used to get me to come back to his apartment. When I told this to a few friends, they would stop me, mid-sentence, and every single person's response would be..."Wait, did you hear what you just said?" At which I had to laugh, because yes, I realize an invitation to see someones complete OED is not usually a tantalizing lure, but to me, I was very interested. I think anyone who can hold a conversation about reference books, dictionaries, or online retrieval systems can be automatically classified as bookish. I actually took this comment as an insult to my own intelligence. As I mentioned after our second date, T is clearly an intellectual, and I didn't feel like I lived up to those standards myself. I don't know enough about the types of literature he reads to have at an length discussion about it, but that didn't mean I wasn't interested in knowing more. I am studious and intelligent, I read a lot, write a great deal, and have a general bookish quality about myself. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that I definitely look bookish. (Even the subway stalker thought so!) My sweater vest/v-neck sweater (navy mostly) with a button down shirt collection is growing exponentially, and my librarian look is very close to being complete. All I need is a new pair of glasses, and I'm set. Not being quiet and shy, I can forgive. But not being bookish enough is a direct attack on who I am.

I think he either over thought things way too soon, or he really didn't like me all that much and thought this would be a better way to tell me. It bothers me because I do feel like we could have been well matched, but I don't want to date someone who is so quick to judge. So who then would T like to date? Sounds to me someone exactly like himself. Isn't variety the spice of life?

ANGER

You know when you have felt worried and upset for days, and it turns suddenly into pure unadulterated RAGE. I had a student yesterday have an outburst similar to that, slamming desks, chairs, throwing himself against doors and banging his head into closets. It was a scary thing to watch. Someone so angry that even bodily harm alleviates that rage. It's an even worse thing to FEEL. I have no feelings for T right now except for that pure unadulterated rage. ANGER. Disgust. And what brought all this on, one might ask... after days of hoping to hear from him? Not necessarily hoping something had happened to him, but hoping he'd resurface and have the best f'n excuse I've ever heard for why he hadn't been in contact. Besides just being a pussy (and I will note that I hate this word, but I can't think of a better description).

So, I've been worried about his well being, concerned about him for days and days... hashed and rehashed this out with friends, family, colleagues, anyone who was willing to listen let alone give me their 2 cents basically. I had my roommate doing investigative work for me, just so I could know the god damned boy was still breathing. Well, aren't I the fool? He's alive and well enough I might gather. Yup. And how do I know, one could ask me? Well, as many a blog before I have posted, I have "mad" librarian skills... and with those intense searching skills comes an ability to find information about people they might not even know exist. This was not the case with T, try as I might, finding information if he were dead or alive proved to be a futile attempt. I tried search engines, social networking sites, etc. Nothing except an old Friendster profile from god knows how long ago. Alas I had nothing to do with this worried feeling I had; I tried texting him, the same no response, and tonight, I called just for one last attempt to see if he was alive. He didn't answer, no surprise. And on the message I just asked, nicely, I thought, if he could just send me an email, didn't have to be anything detailed or in depth, just something so I could know he was alive. An empty email for all I care. Did he? Not a chance.

So as I was working on my homework tonight, a discussion in my graduate school thread about finding "hard to find" biographical information (oooh us crazy librarians!) came up, and someone mentioned that after searching through obscure sites and really wracking her brain for ways to find it, she had realized she had overlooked some of the most basic sites because she automatically assumed they would be no use for her. This struck a chord with me. Hmmm. Of course! Once an online dater, always an online dater is what I've found, and most of the guys that I've met on jdate, or the onion, or craigslist even, usually have a dating profile on at least one of the other sites. So I chose the most basic, well known online dating website and did a search for a 30 y/o man within 5 miles from me. Voila! There he was, and active within 5 days. Now it's been 9 days since I first called him to wish him a good first day of work, 6 days since I emailed him... so did he get my email? Most likely. Did he get my phone calls/text messages, most likely as well. When I think about the time I spent, worrying about his well being, besides the intense anger, I have to laugh. Because seriously, this guy was SO not worth the effort. Did I like him, without a doubt. Would I have liked to have seen him more, most definitely. But if at 30 years old, you are incapable of sending someone an email, the most passive form of human interaction, just to MAN up to the fact that you are no longer interested, than seriously, you are not worth my time. T had every opportunity to back out graciously too, without all this drama. He just started a new job, and could have used the excuse that he was just too busy to date anyone right now. Ok, I would have been hurt and disappointed, but I wouldn't have been over here wondering and waiting.

What kind of person at 30 (almost 31 mind you!) doesn't know how to have a normal human interaction? I mean don't guys ever outgrow the childish avoidance behavior. I see it a lot in my 10 year old students, and it is mostly the boys. If I say something to a girl that they don't like, they yell back at me. If I say something to a boy that he doesn't like, he puts his hands over his head or turns his back and refuses to respond. I feel like this is T's way of putting his hands over his head, and being a coward. Yes, it's hard to reject someone, and I know well enough how hard it is to just say, please leave me alone (re: the subway stalker), but it's the right thing to do. If this had been one or two dates and he did this, I am sure I would have responded much differently. However, after 5 dates, where he was expressing just as much (if not more) interest in me, I believe I deserve at the very least a passive one line email.

I could go the route of belittling him, and listing every reason why he's not good enough for me, and exposing all of his vulnerabilities that he revealed in the short time we knew each other. It would make me feel better momentarily. But I'm not a woman scorned here, I didn't love him, he didn't do me some great injustice. He's just a little boy who hasn't grown up enough in his abilities to deal with women. I don't understand why guys don't think a mature woman can't handle a little honesty. I'm much better at dealing with rejection than dealing in the unknown.

I took a chance on this guy, and it didn't work out. There are plenty of other chances out there (good news for the blog), I'm a little angry that I cancelled dates with 3 other potentials to see where this one went, maybe I missed out on something great, who knows maybe I'll give one of them a call...

to be continued...

Unsettled.

I went out Friday night for my friend's birthday dinner. I was walking up 2nd Ave, and suddenly realized I was standing on the corner where the drunk guy passed out and almost died on my He Said, She Said date. It was a warm night, for being November and all, and there were a few people eating outdoors at the Mexican restaurant where the date took place. Thinking back to that hilarious scene during my dating frenzy, made me think how weird it was that it's been 3 months since then, and I feel like I'm in quite a different place.

I had my hopes set on T being a good relationship. I didn't set expectations on it, and I didn't over plan/think the relationship. It was going smoothly, we had 5 really awesome dates, each one getting progressively more enjoyable than the next. He talked in terms of the future. What we would do together, the things he wanted to show me... This wasn't your average "I want to get laid" talk. He was laying the groundwork for a relationship. He said he wanted to take things slow, it was only our 5th date after all, he said. When I was leaving the night of our 5th date, he insisted on walking me out to the train, even though I told him I'd be fine. Once we got outside, he convinced me to let him drive me home. He dropped me off at my apartment, and we kissed goodbye. I wished him a good first week of work at his new job, even though I was sure I would talk to him soon. That was 8 days ago. I haven't heard from him since. And not from lack of trying on my part. I called him Monday morning to wish him a good first day at his new job. Didn't hear back from him. Emailed him Thursday, just to check in, see how his week was... Didn't hear back from him. Called him Saturday, marking my final attempt of contacting him, just to say hi, and that I would be in his neighborhood for some writing... and shockingly... didn't hear back from him. So, I spent a good portion of the weekend feeling a mixture of foolishness, anger, and worry. Foolish for trying so hard all week, but after 5 dates, I didn't honestly think anything of it. Angry for believing that this guy was for real... and angry for still believing it. Part of me doesn't want to give up just yet... part of me believes he's going to call me sometime this week and have a REALLY good explanation for why he has dropped off the face of the earth. And finally worried, worried that something could have happened to him, and I would have no way of knowing. The likelihood of that happening is slim, I'm sure. But I can't shake the feeling that something is completely off. He also hasn't logged into his profile on the dating site since the 2nd, which I at first took as a very good sign... but now that it's been over a week since I've talked to him, and he hasn't been scoping out new potentials, I'm a little concerned. I've had guys disappear before, drop off and never call me again. Completely ignore emails, and such. But this is weird... and I can't shake the feeling. I don't know what to make of the situation. I don't think I want to go back out there, dating more guys than I can keep track of.

So, as far as I can tell... I'm done with T. Which makes me sad. I hope there will be more to add to this incomplete story at some point down the line. But for now there is nothing left to say.

A break to write a book.

I apologize right now for the fact that I will not be updating my blog for the month of November. I signed up for NaNoWriMo, so on top of everything else I am trying to balance in my life, I will be writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. I'm only 6,500 words in, which means I'm behind, I should be at 11,000 words approximately. I wrote 5,000 of that tonight, woohoo. (Yes, that means before tonight, I was RIDICULOUSLY behind.)

A quick update. T and I have been on 2 more dates since the last post. Both have been really great. I realize what I like the most about dating T is that I have no expectations on how things "should" be. I am just taking it as it comes, and not stressing about it too much. I don't have time to stress about it, and it really makes the dating part all that much more enjoyable. I enjoy the time when I'm with him, and I leave knowing that it won't be too long before we're on the next date. My busy schedule is kind of limiting how much time I can really spend seeing him.

In the past I feel like I've scheduled my life around the guy I was dating, but now I feel like I'm scheduling my dating around my life. What a nice feeling.

Not For Tourists.

I went on my third date with the rain date guy (who will be referred to as T from here on out...) from last week last night. It was kind of last minute, but I did end up asking him out, which I feel ok with. Late Thursday night, after my boring date at the Tea Lounge, I was trying to firm up plans for the weekend. There was the Brooklyn NFT (NFT = Not For Tourists guide book) release party on Friday night, and free copies of the new Brooklyn NFT? I was SO there. I thought it would be something that T would like as well, and I thought it would be nice to see him before I go to Connecticut for the remainder of the weekend. So, ignoring all advice from Debbie (which actually came after I had already done it), I emailed T to see if he was around to get together last night. He emailed me back in the morning that he was, and he would call me. We arranged to meet for dinner before going to the NFT event on 5th Ave in Park Slope. I walked over the 5 Aves and down the 10 or so blocks, but it was a nice crisp autumn night... I should have checked the weather though before I left. Turns out rain was in my forecast.

We ended up going to a really nice French-style restaurant for dinner, and having good 3rd date conversation. I feel like I still don't know enough about this guy, but I think it's nice to get to know someone on a gradual basis. But maybe I should find out his last name... after 3 dates it's probably ok for me to ask. We talked about our families some, I talked about school, we then had a slightly awkward conversation about marriage and babies (not about us having them... but a general discussion of that around our respective family's expectations.) Dinner was great, and even though it had started to rain lightly by the time we left, I hardly noticed. After dinner we went over to the NFT event at a bar on 4th Ave, where we met up with one of my friends. I knew my friend was going to be there, but I didn't know how T was going to react to meeting a friend of mine so soon. I mentioned that my friend was going to be there, but not necessarily that we were going specifically to meet up with him, which technically we weren't. We were going for the free NFTs! But after the loudness of Joya, and how quiet T is, I was concerned anyway. He is so shy that I didn't think he would be able to fare well in the bar atmosphere. I think he managed alright. The bar wasn't too crowded when we got there, and I managed to spot my friend easily. We chatted with my friend and his girlfriend for a little while, but as soon as the bar picked up a bit, we decided it was probably best to go somewhere a little quieter. The rain was picking up, but it still wasn't as bad as it had been on our first date. We tried the holding hands thing, but it was weird, and awkwardly placed. After he fixed his hood due to the increasing rain (and lack of umbrellas on both our part!), he put his arm around me, which was an easier way for us to walk. He stopped at one point, and kissed me in the middle of the street. I don't mind. We headed back over to 5th Ave and up multiple blocks to the Chocolate Room, which is just as delicious as it sounds. It's a cafe, but it specializes in chocolate everything. We each had a cup of the best hot chocolate I've had thus far in Brooklyn (even better than the hot chocolate at Jacques Torres!). It was still early, but he was tired from 2 late nights the previous nights, and I don't think he's as much of a night person as I am. He walked me back to my block, and then we stood on the corner, in the rain, kissing for at least 20 minutes. The rain wasn't heavy, but I was feeling slightly soaked. It was sweet and romantic, and a really nice end to overall a really nice evening. Neither of us made the move to leave, but eventually we parted ways. I was about 4 doors down from my apartment, but when he got home probably about half an hour later, he called me to ask me if I got home alright. He was obviously joking, but the fact that he called me, half an hour after our date... well it makes me think that this is going to turn into something completely different than the rest of my dating experiences thus far.

boring in brooklyn

Back in the habit of serial dating. I actually had the opportunity to have 3 dates in 3 days this week, but I declined to have a date with a 3rd guy tomorrow night. I may look into seeing last night's date some time over the weekend, I am not sure though if I want to put forth the effort into making plans, or if I should let him ask me out.

Tonight's date was nothing special. It was actually more along the lines of boring than anything else. The guy seemed kind of shy before I met him, but he wasn't necessarily shy... I think it's better described as socially aloof (I wouldn't go as far as to say awkward...) and just kind of dull. We met at the Tea Lounge in Park Slope, but it was crowded and there was no indoor seating, so we sat outside to drink our coffee. It is not outdoor eating/drinking weather anymore. I was COLD. It's not that cold out right now, but it's cold enough that if you spend 2 hours outside, you are going to be chilled straight down to the core. My feet are still cold. The conversation was either boring or slow, and he was uninterested in having the natural give and take of a conversation... so a lot of topics ended with me just trailing off, and him just sitting there. He asked questions and then seemed completely uninterested in the answers. And he did not engage in asking any questions on top of what I had said, so I just kept talking until there was nothing more to say. And then moments of silence. Alright. Well, I tried. I went out, and I tried my best and that's all that matters. It was short, just a little over an hour or so, but by the time I got home, I had been out for 2 full hours, and most of that time spend outdoors on this chilly October evening. There's nothing even interesting to write about the date. It was just wasted time.

Indian Summer

It's like August all over again. Not heat wise, but dating wise. Although there have been no double headers, or 6 dates in one week... But for a work week, this is getting pretty hectic.

I had date numero 2 with the tall, red-headed guy from last week's rain date tonight. I was surprised actually, because we did not have a date planned, and I actually didn't know when he was getting back from being away. Apparently, he got back from his trip this afternoon at 3 and called me to go out at 6. I like not having to wonder.

So we met up around 7 at the subway station by my apartment. I was worried about the greeting, because we had that awkward exchange last time, he went for the handshake, I went for the hug... So he gave me a hug, and it was not completely awkward, but still, yeah, a little bit. We walked all the way down Smith until the restaurants and bars are no longer bountiful, and then back up again, a much nicer night for a walk than last time. It was a tad bit windy, and the air was definitely colder than I would like, but hey, it's Autumn, and I like that. We ended up at a small Indian/Pakistani place on Court St. It was a fine choice, but I was keenly aware when we sat down that we were THE only white people eating there. Now, spending my days in Bed-Stuy, I'm often the only white person in a place, but in a restaurant for some reason I am much more aware of it. The food however was very good. It was a quieter place to eat than last time, and he actually made a comment about that. When we were trying to decide where to get dinner, he said something along the lines of somewhere quieter than last time. I knew that was a mistake... Joya is not a good place to go on first dates. But the very quiet atmosphere was much more enjoyable for conversation. And we talked again about super geeky/pseudo smart topics. I am not sure that I am smart enough for this guy, but he doesn't seem to mind. At least not yet. And he seemed to really enjoy hearing me talk about my students, which was nice, because sometimes it's nice to have a captive audience when I need to vent. He was amused by all the things my students say, which is good, because honestly I forget how amusing they can be. I spend more time being astounded at their pure stupidity. But, he was a very good ear to bend on the topic of my students.

After dinner, it was still cold and windy, so we walked back to the train. I couldn't tell if he was going to kiss me or not, and I wasn't going to go in for it myself... While we were walking he asked me if I was cold and when I said that I was, he put his arm through mine, which I thought was nice. Our first attempt at non-awkward physical interaction. It was still kind of awkward, because I had my bag on that arm, and then it kind of slipped a little.. and so I'm trying to figure out how to fix it without either pulling my arm out of his, or making it seem like I didn't want to be touching him. I managed when we stopped at a light before crossing the street. We reach the subway station, and were saying our goodbyes... and he kissed me. It was really nice. I have some issues with making out in front of subway stations because it's awkward for anyone that needs to enter the subway. So, it was brief, but long enough that we both know that there will be another date to see where this goes.

I do have a date tomorrow night with a different guy. It really is like the summer all over again.

NY may still care, but I'm done.

New York Cares Day has come and gone without anything of real note to write about. I was really nervous about going yesterday, I'm not sure why exactly though. I think meeting other people's friends is a high pressure situation, and since I hadn't talked to the 3" guy in 2 weeks, it was making me uneasy.

The actual volunteering was nice, I had a really good time. It was a great day to be outside and helping out. I sound all humanitarian now. I spent a good deal of time with 3 or 4 of 3"s friends, and got to know some of them over the course of the day.

After the volunteering, everyone went home and the after-party was at a bar in Chelsea at 8:30. Of all the times I am late to everything, I showed up for this around 8:45. Strange... there was no one there that I recognized. I didn't think much of it until it got to be almost 9 and I was still the only one there. I called 3" to make sure I was in the right place, to which he confirmed I was indeed in the right place, but he and most of his friends who were coming were still in Queens. They were on their way, he promised, and I should wait for them. Finally, 2 of the girls I had spent a good portion of the day volunteering with showed up and we got to talking. Funny that during the day the topic of how everyone knew the 3" guy never came up. But over a couple of drinks, it did. So, as nondescript as I could, I just said, we went on a few dates. I mean, that is how I know him. I don't even know how to explain how I know him. To which the other girl laughed and said... oh that's great, you and L (name has been removed for anonymity). To which I replied, what? The girl went on to explain that there was another girl at the volunteer event that had dated 3" guy. I kind of had expected that there would be others, and that's ok... I just wanted to know which one she was, and I cursed myself for not paying closer attention to the group members earlier that day. Finally about 45 mins after I had been at the bar, 3" and his friends show up. When a bunch of people got up to get drinks, he moved over and was sitting next to me. He apologized for marking his territory on my neck a few weeks prior, and we were in mid conversation when his friends came back. He didn't seem to mind everyone hearing the story, so I didn't mind passing around the picture on my camera (see photo below). The girl who had been talking to me earlier about 3"s dating habits is on the same dating website as I am. We were talking about awkward moments on first dates, and the subject of height came up. She shared a story about a guy who was so tall he had to crouch down to give her a hug, the only story I had that was comparable was the 3" guy standing on his tippy toes at the end of our first date to give me a hug. That started an entire 3" bash session between me and my new found friend. 3" did not seem to appreciate it, but he's a good sport and took it well.

After most of the people had gone home, 3" guy decided to cozy up to me. After a whole day of the friendship treatment, I didn't react very well to this. I brought up the girl, L, who he apparently had dated. (I think I said something about how there were lots of girls on his team today). He looked really surprised. I told him how I knew, and he said, um, yeah, L is my ex-girlfriend. Ok. That's not what I was really expecting. I thought this girl had been someone he met and been on a few dates with, not someone who he had a relationship with. The night ended around 1, and 3" had to go back to Queens with his friends. We parted with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, no mention of hanging out again. I realized that I like him as the person he is, one on one. In a group, he's too showy, and when he's not around, well then I just don't like him at all. For now, I just can't care enough for the both of us.

However, I am hanging out with some of his friends that I befriended tomorrow. If his friends become my friends, this should make for an interesting situation.

The Ol' Irish Brow

I thought being honest would deter the subway stalker. I thought he would no longer harass me on the subway and while waiting. Why do I allow myself to have such delusions of grandeur?

I was waiting for the train on the way home from school today, I left around 5, which is prime "subway stalker" time. But since I hadn't had any run-ins since the last interaction, I did not really think about it. I saw him before he saw me, but I didn't have time to get my book out or my headphones on, or anything really to look busy. He spotted me of course, and here's the weird thing... he must of had a friend waiting for the train across the platform because he shouted something across to him and looked over at me, back at his friend, and then made some sort of gesture I was trying not to see. I rolled my eyes, and backed up, hoping he wouldn't come over. No such luck. He comes over to me and says, and I quote, "why do you look like a librarian today?" I replied with something along the lines of, um.. because that's what I am... or something very witty like that. He goes on, not only do I look like a librarian, but I should have been wearing my glasses today, because I look hot in my glasses (I some how managed to pull off the librarian look without my librarian glasses, I guess somethings ARE meant to be). And when I replied that I didn't think so, he told me that I was a "hot commodity" and he touched my shoulder. I pulled back and told him I was most certainly not a hot commodity.

You would think that when someone pulls away from you when you touch them, they would stop trying to touch you... But somethings I guess are not that obvious to others. He kept poking me, in a flirty way, and I was really uncomfortable. He goes on to tell me that I look Irish today too. An Irish librarian. Yes! So when I said, well most people usually think I'm Irish because of the hair and the complexion, and he was like no, it's the eyebrows. What? I have Irish eyebrows? What ARE Irish eyebrows? He said that my glasses usually cover them, so he never noticed them before. I can't imagine why not, I mean, Irish eyebrows are the FIRST thing I notice on someone.

Things had reached that awkward moment where I just wanted him to leave, and to stop touching me, when finally the train is approaching the station. He asks (which surprised me) if I wanted him to ride in the subway car with me, or if I wanted him to leave me alone. To which I replied, Well, I have my book, so I think I'll be fine. And so he said goodbye, and says, Alright bye.... um... Erin? And I raise one of my (Irish) brows, and say with a smirk, Erica. And promptly turn away.

And so the saga continues of the subway stalker and the non-Irish lass on the C train in Brooklyn.