So Saturday's date was a success! Not bad for my first real foray back into the dating world after such a long break from it. It's definitely strange having all those old feelings of nervousness and anticipation when I was so sure that I was out of this game for good until a few months ago. So, we met up at the Manayunk Brewery, which was actually fairly out of the way for both of us, but he wanted to go there, so I was game. It's right around the corner from my brother's place, and I was actually just there LAST Saturday with my brother and his girlfriend, so now I'm almost a regular. Anyway, the date. The guy was one who I've been emailing/texting/talking with for about a week, and I'm kind of done with long email exchanges that go nowhere. So, after a week of communication, we decided to meet for lunch. Which I think is a good non-commital date for a first date. It's not commiting to an evening, and I have a 3 date rule anyway. The first date is ALWAYS something that can be quick and easy... coffee, drinks, dessert, whatever. It's NEVER dinner. It can always turn into dinner if both parties are feeling it, or it can end within an hour if need be. No time lost, no harm, no foul. So we met up, and yeah, the initial introduction is always awkward, I've lost so much game! I think we shook hands, kind of weird. But not a deterrant, he was cute, looked a lot like his pictures (always a plus when you can recognize someone!), and very sweet. We sat outside, but unfortunately we're both rather fair skinned. I burn if I'm in direct sunlight less than 5 minutes, and he's only slightly darker in complexion than me. So, we wanted to sit outside, and deliberately asked for a table that was in the shade. Unfortunately, neither of us planned to be on this date for 6 hours, and shade doesn't stay in one place. So, we rotated our seats around the table, like clockwork. I'd say every 2 hours we'd switch seats, until it was after 6, the sun had dropped below the tree line, and it was time for us to go anyway. Parting was again slightly awkward, hug? kiss? Both? I don't know how it happened per se... but there was a hug first, and then it kind of lingered, so there was a quick kiss on the lips, and he was still holding onto my hands and making plans for our next date. It was a nice date, a really really nice date. There was good food, better beer, and even better conversation. We talked about EVERYTHING under the sun, he made me laugh, he watched a video of my students doing the cupid shuffle on my camera, he reads (YAY!!) so we talked about books for a while. All in all, it didn't feel like such a long date, which is always a good sign.
He sent me a text me this morning, telling me what a good time he had, and that he's looking forward to our next date. We were texting back and forth throughout the day, and tonight we even started a small reading competition (however, anyone who's read Atlas Shrugged knows it's not SMALL in any shape or form). I've had this book in my posession for years, and have yet to even think about reading it. I guess this will be good motivation, loser has to buy dinner and money is a bit tight! I should get reading, he's already 50 pages ahead of me and he actually wants to read this book! (FYI my copy is 1168 pages long... scary.)
Not planning on any other dates this week, but Quizzo nights always bring a strange selection of men and I'm sure I'll find something to keep up with.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A Time-Machine
Well, at least I can put things to rest with the stranger I've been obsessing over. My friends are right, there is an idea there that is impossible to live up to in real life. If I had a time machine one of the first places I go would be to the day I sent that email in which I admit to being a crazy girl. Chalk that up to a life lesson learned. Seriously though, as much as I've been fixated on this person, it didn't really dawn on me that he is just a person, nothing greater than that. I think there's something about being attracted to someone's talent, and someone's strengths. I'm pretty sure that's what it was for me with this guy. I'd love to say that it was the amazing date I had yesterday that helped me to see the light (and yesterday's date was quite spectacular, maybe hope isn't such a bad thing!), but it was actually another irrational act of mine. I sent the stranger ANOTHER email. Yes, yes, I'm pathetic, but it was something I had hashed and rehashed with friends, and it came down to needing to do something. And this time I got a response, maybe not the response I was hoping for, but at least it was something. And it turns out he actually had written me back after my crazy email, but I never got that one. He attached it to the email he sent me today, and damn, if he isn't just a seriously nice guy. If I could climb into a virtual hole and hide there for a while, I would. So, a good guy gets away... irrational behavior NEVER pays off. I need to write this out, because the next time I am contemplating acts that I know are wrong, I will have this to reflect on. And maybe I won't need to get that far, I will blog about yesterday's date soon. I'm still reveling in the glory of a good date, mixed with the emotions of shame and embarrassment from what happened with the stranger! I want to be able to write about yesterday with a clear mind, and as the foggy haze of obsession is starting lift, I will add more later. Let's just say for now, the 2nd date is already in the works! :)
And don't forget, the Israeli will be on his way, staying here, not too far in the future. His visa was approved on Thursday, but thankfully he hasn't purchased any tickets yet! While re-reading the time we dated, I started to second guess that decision for him to come over to stay here, for such a long time!
And don't forget, the Israeli will be on his way, staying here, not too far in the future. His visa was approved on Thursday, but thankfully he hasn't purchased any tickets yet! While re-reading the time we dated, I started to second guess that decision for him to come over to stay here, for such a long time!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Luckiest
"I don't get many things right the first time, in fact I am told that a lot... now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here" - Ben Folds
I know it seems strange to be quoting a love song (and one that brings tears to my eyes every time he gets to the verse about the old man and his wife), and even though I don't feel like the luckiest right now, I do feel hopeful. This song, this quote specifically, I can relate to, since as of late I feel like I've been doing not much but making mistakes! But it also brings me hope. Hope that all these mistakes I'm making might just turn into something good. This is something I never really factored into the equation before, that it's ok to HOPE for something to happen. I used to think it was better to have no expectations and not hope for anything, because then you'd never be disappointed. Well, that didn't turn out too well for me, did it? It seems when I went into things with low expectations, yes, I was pleasantly surprised more often, but I also ended up dating completely the wrong guys because of it! So, now I'm trying something new. Hoping for what I want. Putting it out there, no shame, no embarassment. Because what? I might meet someone who doesn't like me back? I've been through worse. He might not call when he says he will? And then I'll keep hoping that the next one will be better. What could be so bad about being hopeful? I spent so many years being jaded by these guys, and not getting my hopes up about any of the relationships I was in! I re-read the entire blog today, after being so amused by the partial reading of just from when I moved home, and I'm surprised by how wishy-washy I was about the guys I dated (the ones that lasted more than a few dates). I would go from being overly-smitten to being really nit picky and hateful. It was not a pretty thing to relive. And a lot of that is so true to how I felt at the time, too. Of all the guys who lasted at least a month, there was something wrong with each of them in the beginning, and I overlooked that because I was never allowing myself to hope for something better! I'm not saying I'm this over the top optimistic person and believe that I'll find my true love on one of these dates, but I'm going into them all with the hope that this could be a big moment in my life.
I was doing a writing assignment with my kids in summer school, and we were writing about what we're looking forward to, and I wrote that I don't know the exact thing I'm looking forward to, but I'm looking forward to the next big moment of my life. The thing about these big moments is you don't know they've happened until they've past. For example, when I went to go look at my house the first time (for those of you who don't know - I bought a house this year!), I had no idea it was going to be the house I was going to end up buying. I went to see it on a whim, no intention of actually putting an offer on it, I just wanted to look. Well the best laid plans... and 6 weeks later, I am a homeowner. I try to remember what I thought about the house the first time I saw it, what stuck out, what I loved, etc... but it's hard, because I was trying to not get my hopes up about it. I made myself stop thinking about it. And I wish I had allowed myself to be hopeful about it. So I'm going to do the same thing with my dates, I hated that my first date with Mr. Perfect was one that I had dreaded so much. I had so many pre-conceived notions and I was not looking forward to it at all, I had zero expectations, and obviously there was more I could have been hopeful about than I realized. As much as we had our differences, we had a very nice relationship that lasted over a year - my second longest. And whenever I told the story of our first date, I always started with how much I wasn't looking forward to that date. Isn't that terrible? Maybe if I had been a bit more hopeful, it wouldn't have changed the outcome of our relationship, but I'd feel a bit better about putting a year of my life into something I really wanted!
So, I'm looking forward to next big moment. The first date with the guy who makes me feel like I'm the luckiest. I know it's going to happen, whether it be sooner or later, I'm done with the negativity. Today is the official start of my newest dating season, and I am hoping for the best!
I know it seems strange to be quoting a love song (and one that brings tears to my eyes every time he gets to the verse about the old man and his wife), and even though I don't feel like the luckiest right now, I do feel hopeful. This song, this quote specifically, I can relate to, since as of late I feel like I've been doing not much but making mistakes! But it also brings me hope. Hope that all these mistakes I'm making might just turn into something good. This is something I never really factored into the equation before, that it's ok to HOPE for something to happen. I used to think it was better to have no expectations and not hope for anything, because then you'd never be disappointed. Well, that didn't turn out too well for me, did it? It seems when I went into things with low expectations, yes, I was pleasantly surprised more often, but I also ended up dating completely the wrong guys because of it! So, now I'm trying something new. Hoping for what I want. Putting it out there, no shame, no embarassment. Because what? I might meet someone who doesn't like me back? I've been through worse. He might not call when he says he will? And then I'll keep hoping that the next one will be better. What could be so bad about being hopeful? I spent so many years being jaded by these guys, and not getting my hopes up about any of the relationships I was in! I re-read the entire blog today, after being so amused by the partial reading of just from when I moved home, and I'm surprised by how wishy-washy I was about the guys I dated (the ones that lasted more than a few dates). I would go from being overly-smitten to being really nit picky and hateful. It was not a pretty thing to relive. And a lot of that is so true to how I felt at the time, too. Of all the guys who lasted at least a month, there was something wrong with each of them in the beginning, and I overlooked that because I was never allowing myself to hope for something better! I'm not saying I'm this over the top optimistic person and believe that I'll find my true love on one of these dates, but I'm going into them all with the hope that this could be a big moment in my life.
I was doing a writing assignment with my kids in summer school, and we were writing about what we're looking forward to, and I wrote that I don't know the exact thing I'm looking forward to, but I'm looking forward to the next big moment of my life. The thing about these big moments is you don't know they've happened until they've past. For example, when I went to go look at my house the first time (for those of you who don't know - I bought a house this year!), I had no idea it was going to be the house I was going to end up buying. I went to see it on a whim, no intention of actually putting an offer on it, I just wanted to look. Well the best laid plans... and 6 weeks later, I am a homeowner. I try to remember what I thought about the house the first time I saw it, what stuck out, what I loved, etc... but it's hard, because I was trying to not get my hopes up about it. I made myself stop thinking about it. And I wish I had allowed myself to be hopeful about it. So I'm going to do the same thing with my dates, I hated that my first date with Mr. Perfect was one that I had dreaded so much. I had so many pre-conceived notions and I was not looking forward to it at all, I had zero expectations, and obviously there was more I could have been hopeful about than I realized. As much as we had our differences, we had a very nice relationship that lasted over a year - my second longest. And whenever I told the story of our first date, I always started with how much I wasn't looking forward to that date. Isn't that terrible? Maybe if I had been a bit more hopeful, it wouldn't have changed the outcome of our relationship, but I'd feel a bit better about putting a year of my life into something I really wanted!
So, I'm looking forward to next big moment. The first date with the guy who makes me feel like I'm the luckiest. I know it's going to happen, whether it be sooner or later, I'm done with the negativity. Today is the official start of my newest dating season, and I am hoping for the best!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Now you're finding out I'm a little bit crazy...
So, when I thought about writing this blog entry, I just couldn't find the right way to write it. Here's the skinny: I am strangely drawn to a guy who I don't know. No, scratch that, not even don't know... NEVER MET. EVER. This is the total of the communication we've had: He winked at me (on match), I winked back... didn't hear anything from him for about a few days, so I emailed. He emailed me back, and I followed that up with another email. Then nothing... I may have done something crazy though... Like "research" his name, profession, facebook page... Ok, so I know a bit about this guy, definitely more than I should considering I've never met him. Yeah, I'm THAT girl. How did I get here? So, when I didn't hear back from him, I sort of freaked out, assuming that he knew I searched all his information... and I did the unthinkable. I emailed him, and apologized for it. Actually admitted to stalking his info. What in the world possessed me to do that, I'll never know. But all I know is that I can't take it back, and I can't get this guy off my mind. It's absolutely crazy because I don't know him. At least with other guys I was fixated on before (Like T), I had at least met them, dated them, and THEN reacted this way. I'm not really sure why I feel so strongly, it could be because this guy is the TOTAL opposite of Mr. P., at least on screen. Super social (as opposed to Mr. P's not at all social), someone who enjoys humor, and a human connection. All this opposed to Mr. P's predilection to be miserable for the rest of his life, and no need for any interpersonal connection. I'm sure I've idealized this guy over the top and made him in my mind to be what I want him to be, but no matter how much I tell myself to get over it, and move on, I keep going back to his profile, his pictures, wondering what it is about this stranger that I can't shake. Clearly, the feeling is not mutual here, and I am desperately trying to get myself past this. In doing so, I've scheduled some dates for the coming weeks... I'm dreading them... And it's awful, because I can't seem to muster up the strength to find interest in any of the guys I'm emailing right now. I've been talking to this really nice guy, and we're going out on Saturday, and I wish I could get excited about it. I should be excited. He's cute, funny, interesting, and he WANTS to go out with me. Which is more than I can say for the guy I'm webstalking. I'm not sure what posting this will accomplish, or why I feel the need to confess my indiscretions to the whole wide world... There's something cathartic about getting it out there, I think I hoped that emailing him, admitting what I had done, would be the same, and it proved to be unsucessful. So onto the next try, and whatever it takes. Maybe Saturday's date will prove to be exactly what I need. Maybe getting back into reality when it comes to dating, will remind me that people in person are much better than people on paper (or online). I'm ready to admit that I've made some huge mistakes on this long journey I've been on. I went back today and read all the entries of the dates I've been on/relationships I've had since I've been out of Brooklyn... and from the very beginning with CK to Mr. Perfect, I never had what I want. I couldn't believe some of the things I went through and put up with. Some of the things I wrote shocked myself, and made me laugh. I'm glad I have this journey written out, I can go back and learn from the mistakes I recorded. The good dates and the bad, the truth and the lies... I can remember how I felt at each entry... all the pain, amusement, anger, sadness, happiness, and love. I'm done with lying about what I want... I'm hoping that my next relationship will be my last, and with that being said, I'm not willing to settle for anything less than wonderful. No more making excuses about why someone does or does not meet my expectations. I shouldn't have to change what I want, because it's what I think I can get. So, I guess I'm writing this down, so that when I look back on this, in a week, or a month, or a year, I can laugh about how foolish I was, to feel such things for a stranger, to realize you can't idealize people you've never met, to take things one day at a time, and to maybe cut back *a bit* on my webstalking. Just because I know HOW to find the information (and believe me, it's pretty impressive how much I was able to find out), doesn't mean I should. There's just one more person now who has reason to believe that I am a little bit crazy....
Some exciting news for my loyal readers: The Israeli is planning to come back for a visit this September... and stay with me for 3 weeks or so! YIKES. Stay tuned, there will be more to come. Promise! And here we go again...
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** An update ** (10/09) I saw this guy in person - for real - at a bar in Philly. I don't know if he knew who I was, but I knew who he was, for sure. I mention this to my friend who is with me, and she reminds me that she too was on match this summer, and I may have coerced her into winking at this guy... in the hopes that someone meeting him would help me get over him. Not a whole lot of luck there. It continued throughout the summer (you remember the second email), and my best friend DID meet him, as she was in her cousin's wedding - which he happened to photograph, she did her best to try to convince me that he's definitely not as great as I conjured him up to be in my mind. Back to the bar incident. I was at the bar ordering drinks, and I turned to ask my friends what they wanted, and there he was, not 3 feet away from me. I freaked out a bit, and proceeded to drink way more than is acceptable on a school night. My friends who I was with thought the same, just average. Do I believe there is something greater there? I don't know, I know that as soon as I saw him, I knew 100% it was him. I was nervous, and then very drunk, and I tried to avoid looking at him, which didn't help when we were sat at the table right next to them. And, that's all, it's really nothing I need to fixate on, but I find everytime I start dating someone new (the bad kisser was right after this first happened, but now the ex-wife guy), I compare them to what I think he is. I guess I wish I could just meet him, and figure out what's in my head and what's real. Time will tell, but other than being absolutely crazy, nothing new has occurred. And to think this was just a summer crush... and now it's fall, I'm going to get over this. One way or another!
Some exciting news for my loyal readers: The Israeli is planning to come back for a visit this September... and stay with me for 3 weeks or so! YIKES. Stay tuned, there will be more to come. Promise! And here we go again...
************************************************
** An update ** (10/09) I saw this guy in person - for real - at a bar in Philly. I don't know if he knew who I was, but I knew who he was, for sure. I mention this to my friend who is with me, and she reminds me that she too was on match this summer, and I may have coerced her into winking at this guy... in the hopes that someone meeting him would help me get over him. Not a whole lot of luck there. It continued throughout the summer (you remember the second email), and my best friend DID meet him, as she was in her cousin's wedding - which he happened to photograph, she did her best to try to convince me that he's definitely not as great as I conjured him up to be in my mind. Back to the bar incident. I was at the bar ordering drinks, and I turned to ask my friends what they wanted, and there he was, not 3 feet away from me. I freaked out a bit, and proceeded to drink way more than is acceptable on a school night. My friends who I was with thought the same, just average. Do I believe there is something greater there? I don't know, I know that as soon as I saw him, I knew 100% it was him. I was nervous, and then very drunk, and I tried to avoid looking at him, which didn't help when we were sat at the table right next to them. And, that's all, it's really nothing I need to fixate on, but I find everytime I start dating someone new (the bad kisser was right after this first happened, but now the ex-wife guy), I compare them to what I think he is. I guess I wish I could just meet him, and figure out what's in my head and what's real. Time will tell, but other than being absolutely crazy, nothing new has occurred. And to think this was just a summer crush... and now it's fall, I'm going to get over this. One way or another!
Back again!
Well, loyal readers (all 2 of you??), I'm back to the blog again. Those of you who know me, know the end of me and Mr. Perfect was not quite as perfect as the rest of the relationship. Actually, since we've been broken up for about 4 months now, I'm fairly certain I should've ended the relationship months before. However, we do things in our own time, and my time with Mr. P came to an end the day after my best friend's wedding. He was MISERABLE at the wedding, really really painfully miserable. And I couldn't stand it. I was done with dancing around his moods and his insecurities, and the next day, we ended it. He thinks this was his idea, but really if I hadn't given him the ultimatum, I'm sure we'd still be in some strangely unhappy co-existence. It came as a shock to most my friends and family, but the further I get from the relationship, the happier I really am. I had been hesitant about going back to the blog, because it caused some concerns when Mr. P and I got into a serious relationship. But right now, I need a venue to clear my thoughts, to open my mind up to what is out there again. I've been on Match.com for a few months now (2? 3? I can't remember anymore!), and I've only been on one date thus far. This is FINE with me, I'm not really ready to be back in the tumultuous world of dating just for dating sake, and the one date I did go one was AWFUL. Truly a horrific experience, definitely blog-worthy, but that is for another day. I'm back to the blog for one specific reason, I'm scarily infatuated with a guy I've never met. And I'm hoping if I put it out there in the internet-universe, it will allow me to stop being crazy! I'm going to create another post that is specific to the situation, after this. I just feel like this is something I need to do, and had I had this venue of expression a few weeks ago, I may not have done the stupid things I've done...
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