Maybe the old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder only works if the guy you are dating doesn't have a girlfriend. I have to admit in the past week, I have definitely missed CK. I have missed the time we spend together, talking with him, and really being around him. However, I have not missed the constant worrying about the BFPE, nor wondering if he's talking to her, planning time to be with her, blah blah blah.
I think this past week has given me some good perspective on what I want. I am not going to write off the relationship with CK just yet, however I think my intentions and where I see this going has changed. I am definitely ready to date someone who only wants to date me. I am pretty much done with any of the drama that comes with being the "other woman," regardless of how far away she is and how little of a chance they have of actually being in the same place for an extended period of time again.
I am super stressed out this week with the end of grad school. In 3 short weeks, I will be done all of my classes and I'll officially be a librarian. The onset of extreme stress has led to more thinking about things in my life that I'd rather leave off my mind when there's little I can do about it. There is something about being 27, finished school, with a clear direction in my life and waiting around for some guy to realize that he needs to break up with his girlfriend that lives in another country. Hmm. Yeah... one of those things doesn't mesh with my "life plan." Not that I have a solid one of those, but solid enough that I know that I don't need to encourage things that don't belong. So for now, I'll enjoy the pleasantries that CK brings into my life. But unless things change dramatically, he's not going to be around for long.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
BFPE
Wednesday was THE night. Yes, I finally talked to CK about the BFPE. But I'll get to that later. The boring date details are first...
I had originally planned on going out with my friends from home the night before Thanksgiving. However, I had no desire to go to a local bar that charged way too much to just get in the doors to be reminded why I hated high school in the first place. I thought we were going to go out in Philly, so Tuesday night I had asked CK if he wanted to come with us. We talked on the phone for a while Tuesday night, and I kept thinking I should bring up the BFPE, but I never did. I made up my mind that if I did see him on Wednesday, I wasn't leaving until we had that conversation. So, when plans changed on Wednesday and my friends decided to go out in Jersey instead of Philly, I could have made the decision to not go out with CK, and not have the conversation.
When I talked to CK Wednesday night and told him about the change of plans, he invited me to go out with some of his friends instead. I was a little nervous about meeting his friends because honestly, I didn't know what I was getting myself into at all, and under what circumstances I was meeting these friends. I went over to his place around 9, and we hung out there for a while. I brought him books for his upcoming trip to China, like a good librarian (in 4 weeks!) should. Books are a level of contention for me, because I once dated a guy for a very long time (2+ years) who didn't read and it absolutely drove me crazy. Reading is fundamental for my happiness, and I'd like to share that with someone I am dating. CK originally pegged himself as someone with whom I shared similar book interests with, but apparently that was a facade, and he doesn't really read all that much. I am trying to change that by influencing him with my good taste in books.
Anyway, back to the date, we walked over to his friends apartment. I was really nervous because it's been almost 2 years since I've met the friends of a guy I'm dating. We got to his friend's apartment and we had some drinks with his friend (roommate from college), his friend's girlfriend, another friend from college and her roommate. It was definitely awkward at first but all of his friends were really nice, and I felt at ease quickly. We had a drink at his friend's apartment then headed over to a bar not far from the apartment. Despite being the night before Thanksgiving, the bar was basically empty, and there were great drink specials. The one time it's great to drink in the city? When everyone leaves to go home to drink in the suburbs!
We went from one bar to another when his friends were hungry and wanted to get some food. Up until this point it had been pretty casual between CK and myself. There had been a few affectionate moments, but nothing really that would differentiate me from just another friend. At the second bar, for most of the time CK had his hand on my leg or my arm, or something that made it a bit clearer to me that he was bringing me out with his friends as someone he considered to be more than a friend. After a few more rounds of beer and some pizza, I was definitely having a difficult time staying awake and functioning at normal speed.
Around 2 in the morning, we got back to CK's place. We had planned that I would stay over, so that part wasn't an issue that needed to be discussed. We were making out in his living room for a while, and then decided to move things to the bedroom. All this time, I still hadn't brought up the BFPE, and the more I thought about it, the more I knew I had to say something. We were getting into bed, and of course, I got into bed fully clothed. He made some sort of comment about how I could take off my clothes if I wanted to, and I replied with a comment along the lines of how that could make things "dangerous." He assured me that he had protection, and I responded that it wasn't the protection that I was worried about, it was more along the lines of the implications of what us having sex meant. We then had a mini-DTR, went something like this:
CK: So, what are you looking for?
Me: (groans) that is the worst question ever. I'm not looking for anything.
CK: Ok.... So, what are the implications then that you're worried about?
Me: Well, I'm thinking about 2 things. The first thing is that I have a really good time with you and I enjoy all the time we spend together.
CK: Me too.
Me: But, I'm also thinking that you have a girlfriend.... and those two things really counteract each other.
CK: Yes.
Me: So, I don't really know how this works, and what exactly it means for you to be in an "open relationship" (and I do think I used finger quotes for this.)
CK: Well, you're free to date other people if you want, and I would hope that you would make time to still be with me.
Me: Huh? I'm not seeing anyone else. That's not what I mean. I'm not looking to meet anyone else, I don't really buy into the whole "open relationship" thing, anyway. Basically, what I want to know is what is going on with your girlfriend, why you guys aren't totally together, or totally broken up (Ok, so maybe I didn't say this exactly - in hindsight it is what I should have said... but it was some round about way of asking what their deal was.)
CK: Well, I have the same agreement with her, we're still together, but we're allowed to date other people.
Me: Right, and there will come a time when you're going to see her, and I'm going to end up feeling really foolish.
CK: Well, I am going to see her. But I'm not looking to be in a serious relationship, or get married. (WHOA. Who said ANYTHING about marriage?????)
Me: Um... ok. (not sure if he meant her or me with that comment.) I don't really like thinking about something leading to marriage, because if it does, it does. If it doesn't then all the thinking and planning and talking about it doesn't really matter anyway. And trust me, I'm NOT looking for marriage, but I am 27. I have a job that I like, I am finishing my master's, I'm getting to the point where I know what I want, and what I'm looking for. I can tell you that I'm not looking to be someone's "on the side" or second best to anyone.
I don't really remember the conversation after this part. We talked around in circles a lot. He made it clear that it was my decision what I wanted to do, and he wasn't planning on breaking up with the BFPE anytime soon. I did ask him if they were in an open relationship that would eventually lead to them getting back together. He told me he didn't know the answer to that question. At what point though does the relationship become something not worth hanging on to? I think that's more of a question I need to consider though.
He's leaving for China for 10 days on Saturday, so I told him that I didn't want to upset anyone over the holiday or while he was away. The 10 days apart (which will be the longest time in between seeing each other that we've had since we started dating) will give us a good time to think about things and figure out what is going on. We're going to talk about this again when he's back from China, and even though we've talked about the BFPE, she's still far from gone. Hopefully these 10 days will give me some perspective about what I really want with CK, and what I can handle, and what I can't. I still have a lot of questions about the BFPE and the open relationship.
We did end up sleeping together, which was good and bad for many reasons. I may see him tonight/tomorrow, and drive him to the train station since he's flying out of Newark, and would have to take 2 trains from Philly. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going out of my way for him to prove that I'm better than she is... although, I'm driving another friend to the same train station on Sunday, so I guess it's not something that I'd only do for him. But maybe I shouldn't try so hard, and he can see what he'll be missing.
I had originally planned on going out with my friends from home the night before Thanksgiving. However, I had no desire to go to a local bar that charged way too much to just get in the doors to be reminded why I hated high school in the first place. I thought we were going to go out in Philly, so Tuesday night I had asked CK if he wanted to come with us. We talked on the phone for a while Tuesday night, and I kept thinking I should bring up the BFPE, but I never did. I made up my mind that if I did see him on Wednesday, I wasn't leaving until we had that conversation. So, when plans changed on Wednesday and my friends decided to go out in Jersey instead of Philly, I could have made the decision to not go out with CK, and not have the conversation.
When I talked to CK Wednesday night and told him about the change of plans, he invited me to go out with some of his friends instead. I was a little nervous about meeting his friends because honestly, I didn't know what I was getting myself into at all, and under what circumstances I was meeting these friends. I went over to his place around 9, and we hung out there for a while. I brought him books for his upcoming trip to China, like a good librarian (in 4 weeks!) should. Books are a level of contention for me, because I once dated a guy for a very long time (2+ years) who didn't read and it absolutely drove me crazy. Reading is fundamental for my happiness, and I'd like to share that with someone I am dating. CK originally pegged himself as someone with whom I shared similar book interests with, but apparently that was a facade, and he doesn't really read all that much. I am trying to change that by influencing him with my good taste in books.
Anyway, back to the date, we walked over to his friends apartment. I was really nervous because it's been almost 2 years since I've met the friends of a guy I'm dating. We got to his friend's apartment and we had some drinks with his friend (roommate from college), his friend's girlfriend, another friend from college and her roommate. It was definitely awkward at first but all of his friends were really nice, and I felt at ease quickly. We had a drink at his friend's apartment then headed over to a bar not far from the apartment. Despite being the night before Thanksgiving, the bar was basically empty, and there were great drink specials. The one time it's great to drink in the city? When everyone leaves to go home to drink in the suburbs!
We went from one bar to another when his friends were hungry and wanted to get some food. Up until this point it had been pretty casual between CK and myself. There had been a few affectionate moments, but nothing really that would differentiate me from just another friend. At the second bar, for most of the time CK had his hand on my leg or my arm, or something that made it a bit clearer to me that he was bringing me out with his friends as someone he considered to be more than a friend. After a few more rounds of beer and some pizza, I was definitely having a difficult time staying awake and functioning at normal speed.
Around 2 in the morning, we got back to CK's place. We had planned that I would stay over, so that part wasn't an issue that needed to be discussed. We were making out in his living room for a while, and then decided to move things to the bedroom. All this time, I still hadn't brought up the BFPE, and the more I thought about it, the more I knew I had to say something. We were getting into bed, and of course, I got into bed fully clothed. He made some sort of comment about how I could take off my clothes if I wanted to, and I replied with a comment along the lines of how that could make things "dangerous." He assured me that he had protection, and I responded that it wasn't the protection that I was worried about, it was more along the lines of the implications of what us having sex meant. We then had a mini-DTR, went something like this:
CK: So, what are you looking for?
Me: (groans) that is the worst question ever. I'm not looking for anything.
CK: Ok.... So, what are the implications then that you're worried about?
Me: Well, I'm thinking about 2 things. The first thing is that I have a really good time with you and I enjoy all the time we spend together.
CK: Me too.
Me: But, I'm also thinking that you have a girlfriend.... and those two things really counteract each other.
CK: Yes.
Me: So, I don't really know how this works, and what exactly it means for you to be in an "open relationship" (and I do think I used finger quotes for this.)
CK: Well, you're free to date other people if you want, and I would hope that you would make time to still be with me.
Me: Huh? I'm not seeing anyone else. That's not what I mean. I'm not looking to meet anyone else, I don't really buy into the whole "open relationship" thing, anyway. Basically, what I want to know is what is going on with your girlfriend, why you guys aren't totally together, or totally broken up (Ok, so maybe I didn't say this exactly - in hindsight it is what I should have said... but it was some round about way of asking what their deal was.)
CK: Well, I have the same agreement with her, we're still together, but we're allowed to date other people.
Me: Right, and there will come a time when you're going to see her, and I'm going to end up feeling really foolish.
CK: Well, I am going to see her. But I'm not looking to be in a serious relationship, or get married. (WHOA. Who said ANYTHING about marriage?????)
Me: Um... ok. (not sure if he meant her or me with that comment.) I don't really like thinking about something leading to marriage, because if it does, it does. If it doesn't then all the thinking and planning and talking about it doesn't really matter anyway. And trust me, I'm NOT looking for marriage, but I am 27. I have a job that I like, I am finishing my master's, I'm getting to the point where I know what I want, and what I'm looking for. I can tell you that I'm not looking to be someone's "on the side" or second best to anyone.
I don't really remember the conversation after this part. We talked around in circles a lot. He made it clear that it was my decision what I wanted to do, and he wasn't planning on breaking up with the BFPE anytime soon. I did ask him if they were in an open relationship that would eventually lead to them getting back together. He told me he didn't know the answer to that question. At what point though does the relationship become something not worth hanging on to? I think that's more of a question I need to consider though.
He's leaving for China for 10 days on Saturday, so I told him that I didn't want to upset anyone over the holiday or while he was away. The 10 days apart (which will be the longest time in between seeing each other that we've had since we started dating) will give us a good time to think about things and figure out what is going on. We're going to talk about this again when he's back from China, and even though we've talked about the BFPE, she's still far from gone. Hopefully these 10 days will give me some perspective about what I really want with CK, and what I can handle, and what I can't. I still have a lot of questions about the BFPE and the open relationship.
We did end up sleeping together, which was good and bad for many reasons. I may see him tonight/tomorrow, and drive him to the train station since he's flying out of Newark, and would have to take 2 trains from Philly. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going out of my way for him to prove that I'm better than she is... although, I'm driving another friend to the same train station on Sunday, so I guess it's not something that I'd only do for him. But maybe I shouldn't try so hard, and he can see what he'll be missing.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Will and Grace.
Today was the Philly marathon. My very good friend from Brooklyn was running the marathon with her father, and I promised her I'd come to see her finish. I mentioned to CK last time I saw him that I'd be in the city for this, and he said he'd come too.
I wasn't feeling great all week, the cough of death comes and goes in vicious spurts. I should probably go to the doctor. On Friday I was feeling bad enough to think that I might not make it out today for the marathon. But alas, I pulled through and made it out this morning. CK had called me yesterday to see what the plan was for today, and I returned his call no more than half an hour later, but he didn't pick up. I left a message telling him to call me if he wanted to meet up, and that I'd be in the city by 10 am. By midnight, I still hadn't heard from him, so I texted him just asking if he still was planning on coming, and if so, to please let me know. This morning, I woke up and still no word from CK. I was getting a little irritated with the fact that I hadn't heard from him, and when he finally did call around 10:15 while I was driving into the city, I was probably a little short with him due to the irritation. I decided it would be easier if he just met up with us at my friend's hotel after the race ended and we had all convened rather than have him try to find me in the mess of the marathon.
We met up around noon, and all of us (6 total - 3 had raced, 3 had not) hung out in the hotel room while the 3 racers showered and recouped enough to go get some food. While we were hanging out a strange conversation came up between CK and my friend's father. My friend's father mentioned that he was often hit on by gay men. CK commented that he too was often hit on by men (I was unaware of this). They were discussing how you politely reject a gay man, and the topic came up of how you can tell if someone is gay or not. My theory is that men probably don't think about whether the guy is gay or not before they hit on him. They probably just see a man they find attractive and give it a shot. Isn't that how it works all the time? I mean if you hit on a girl in a bar, you don't necessarily know she's straight either, right? I mentioned that there was someone I had seen on a hayride recently who was probably gay and didn't know it yet. This brought up the topic of people who may be gay but not know it yet. The guy I was talking about was young, probably in high school, and maybe he was already out... but after years of my parents and just about everyone else telling me I'm a "gay magnet," you start to pick up on things. Anyway, CK mentions that he has a friend who is most likely gay but doesn't know it yet. I asked him how he knew this and CK made some sort of comment, that I wish I had written down because it was so absurd. He said he could tell his friend was gay because he watched a lot of Will and Grace, and he liked it. I blasted him for this one. I seriously went off on him for a good 20 minutes about how a TV show can't determine someone's sexual orientation. My friend's dad found this extremely amusing and entertaining. Lots of examples were brought in, and CK and I debated this topic for a while. It wasn't a bad argument, I was just seriously dumbfounded by the stupidity of the comment he had just made. It made me look at him a little differently.
The 6 of us went to lunch, and throughout lunch my friend's dad brought up "gay" comments to CK, which I found hilarious. CK was a good sport about it, and took being picked on pretty well. He got a little defensive at times, but maybe that's because the girl he's dating and someone's dad were basically calling him gay for a good 2 hours.
After lunch, we parted ways. CK had ridden his bike to the hotel, so he had to ride it back in the rain. On my way home, I called him just to make sure he got home ok in the rain. He called me back, and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out for a bit. I went over and we played some Wii, watched The Graduate, and took a nap. It was a really lovely Sunday afternoon. We did not make out... at all. I'm hoping this is because of the cough of death (I had multiple cough attacks during the movie), and not because we're regressing back into "no action" territory. I'm hoping that it's just the cough. If it weren't for the occasional kissing, I'd say we'd have a pretty good chance of becoming the next Will and Grace.
I wasn't feeling great all week, the cough of death comes and goes in vicious spurts. I should probably go to the doctor. On Friday I was feeling bad enough to think that I might not make it out today for the marathon. But alas, I pulled through and made it out this morning. CK had called me yesterday to see what the plan was for today, and I returned his call no more than half an hour later, but he didn't pick up. I left a message telling him to call me if he wanted to meet up, and that I'd be in the city by 10 am. By midnight, I still hadn't heard from him, so I texted him just asking if he still was planning on coming, and if so, to please let me know. This morning, I woke up and still no word from CK. I was getting a little irritated with the fact that I hadn't heard from him, and when he finally did call around 10:15 while I was driving into the city, I was probably a little short with him due to the irritation. I decided it would be easier if he just met up with us at my friend's hotel after the race ended and we had all convened rather than have him try to find me in the mess of the marathon.
We met up around noon, and all of us (6 total - 3 had raced, 3 had not) hung out in the hotel room while the 3 racers showered and recouped enough to go get some food. While we were hanging out a strange conversation came up between CK and my friend's father. My friend's father mentioned that he was often hit on by gay men. CK commented that he too was often hit on by men (I was unaware of this). They were discussing how you politely reject a gay man, and the topic came up of how you can tell if someone is gay or not. My theory is that men probably don't think about whether the guy is gay or not before they hit on him. They probably just see a man they find attractive and give it a shot. Isn't that how it works all the time? I mean if you hit on a girl in a bar, you don't necessarily know she's straight either, right? I mentioned that there was someone I had seen on a hayride recently who was probably gay and didn't know it yet. This brought up the topic of people who may be gay but not know it yet. The guy I was talking about was young, probably in high school, and maybe he was already out... but after years of my parents and just about everyone else telling me I'm a "gay magnet," you start to pick up on things. Anyway, CK mentions that he has a friend who is most likely gay but doesn't know it yet. I asked him how he knew this and CK made some sort of comment, that I wish I had written down because it was so absurd. He said he could tell his friend was gay because he watched a lot of Will and Grace, and he liked it. I blasted him for this one. I seriously went off on him for a good 20 minutes about how a TV show can't determine someone's sexual orientation. My friend's dad found this extremely amusing and entertaining. Lots of examples were brought in, and CK and I debated this topic for a while. It wasn't a bad argument, I was just seriously dumbfounded by the stupidity of the comment he had just made. It made me look at him a little differently.
The 6 of us went to lunch, and throughout lunch my friend's dad brought up "gay" comments to CK, which I found hilarious. CK was a good sport about it, and took being picked on pretty well. He got a little defensive at times, but maybe that's because the girl he's dating and someone's dad were basically calling him gay for a good 2 hours.
After lunch, we parted ways. CK had ridden his bike to the hotel, so he had to ride it back in the rain. On my way home, I called him just to make sure he got home ok in the rain. He called me back, and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out for a bit. I went over and we played some Wii, watched The Graduate, and took a nap. It was a really lovely Sunday afternoon. We did not make out... at all. I'm hoping this is because of the cough of death (I had multiple cough attacks during the movie), and not because we're regressing back into "no action" territory. I'm hoping that it's just the cough. If it weren't for the occasional kissing, I'd say we'd have a pretty good chance of becoming the next Will and Grace.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Balance
I may never bring up the BFPE. This is something that I clearly have no balls to discuss. Last night there were MANY times when it could have fit sort-of naturally into the conversation, and I just wussed out completely.
That being said... there are times where I don't know what I want from this relationship with CK. Would I like him to not have a girlfriend? Obviously. However, I think he sees this as being maybe more serious than I do.
First, the date. Last I had seen CK was the night before I left for Boston. The sleepover, lack of sleep, crazy stress at school, and a plane ride later I came down with a wicked cold. I spent 4 out of my 5 days in Boston with a raging fever and cough to go with it. Didn't stop me from going out and enjoying myself, but I returned home with the remnants of an awful cold, mostly just the cough of death (you know, the wheezing, hacking kind that sounds like a lung might surface if you put any more effort into it). CK and I had texted a few times over the weekend, he told me he was looking forward to seeing me when I got back. So I texted him on Monday when I got home and asked him what his plans for the week were. He was going to a show on Tuesday, and said he would really like it if I could go. It was a loud, dancey kind of concert in a bar that is too small to hold that many people, and knowing how I felt, I knew I wasn't going to be happy if I went to this show. I asked him to call me on Monday night, so we could discuss. I didn't want to just say no through a text, and have him get the wrong idea. I also had this big plan in my head that when he would call, I'd casually bring up the BFPE and we could finally talk about this. But he called while I was making dinner, and my mother and father were both in the room, and it wasn't the right time. So, we talked about the show and he said he was hoping I would stay over again...and he seemed genuinely disappointed that I wasn't going to go to come out. So I told him depending on how I felt, I'd come out for dinner before hand, and we could get some drinks at the bar before the show - but I would have to go home relatively early.
I didn't feel great yesterday, but not bad enough to stay in. So I went to Philly where we had dinner at a cute restaurant. Walking to dinner, he mentioned something that struck me as odd. He was talking to me about his boss, and how she had just broken up with her boyfriend and was talking to him about it. Out of curiosity and nothing else, I asked how old she was. In my mind she was young-ish. Maybe mid 30s. He responded that she was older, maybe 48 or so and that I "had nothing to worry about." I asked him what he meant by that, and he said I didn't have to worry about his boss making a move on him. I responded that it wasn't his boss I was concerned about. I was hoping this could lead into potential BFPE talk.... but of course, it didn't.
Dinner was fine. On the walk over, we passed a restaurant that he mentioned he'd like to go to with me. Again, future plans... but no future progress. At one point he got a little flustered, and stumbled around asking me what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I don't think I'm at the point where I want to invite him over for the holidays yet, but I know from past history that he asks me what I'm doing when he wants to make plans. I told him my plans and asked him his. He talked a long circle around the fact that he really doesn't have plans, but might just go down the shore to see his parents. I thought about inviting him, for a hot second, but I refuse to invite someone to dinner with my entire family plus some who has a girlfriend, whether it be in another country or not.
After dinner, we walked back to his place for a short visit with his cats and to play some guitar hero. Seriously, that's it. Not even any making out. We're regressing physically (ok, I was deathly ill and probably pretty unattractive). But the Guitar Hero was fun. I'm getting better at it, so long as I just play the notes and don't think about it. As soon as I try to think about what I'm doing, I start to really suck. I should start a new blog just for my progress in guitar hero. It might be more exciting than my dating at this point.
HOWEVER, my school crush came back into the picture today! Woohoo. After a few weeks of us having very minimal communication other than the necessary school talk, I had given up hope in that area. I ran into him today in the hallway with my co-worker (who agrees with me that he is attractive in the geeky older sense), and we chatted about school stuff. Nothing new, and I made a good showing of my sex appeal by coughing up storm and whining about how sick I was feeling. Maybe he has a nurturing side. He shows up in my classroom, unexpected around 4pm. I was getting ready to leave for the evening. He joked with me about leaving so early, since he knows I'm usually in school until at least 5 or later. He waited around in my room until I was done closing up and ready to leave, and then said he'd walk me out. I had to go to the copy room to drop something off for tomorrow, and he came with. We walked out together and talked for a bit in the parking lot. He asked what I did over the long weekend, but talk was mostly centered around school stuff. He told me that I need to make sure I have a balance in my work life and social life. I wonder if he's interested in helping me balance that out...
That being said... there are times where I don't know what I want from this relationship with CK. Would I like him to not have a girlfriend? Obviously. However, I think he sees this as being maybe more serious than I do.
First, the date. Last I had seen CK was the night before I left for Boston. The sleepover, lack of sleep, crazy stress at school, and a plane ride later I came down with a wicked cold. I spent 4 out of my 5 days in Boston with a raging fever and cough to go with it. Didn't stop me from going out and enjoying myself, but I returned home with the remnants of an awful cold, mostly just the cough of death (you know, the wheezing, hacking kind that sounds like a lung might surface if you put any more effort into it). CK and I had texted a few times over the weekend, he told me he was looking forward to seeing me when I got back. So I texted him on Monday when I got home and asked him what his plans for the week were. He was going to a show on Tuesday, and said he would really like it if I could go. It was a loud, dancey kind of concert in a bar that is too small to hold that many people, and knowing how I felt, I knew I wasn't going to be happy if I went to this show. I asked him to call me on Monday night, so we could discuss. I didn't want to just say no through a text, and have him get the wrong idea. I also had this big plan in my head that when he would call, I'd casually bring up the BFPE and we could finally talk about this. But he called while I was making dinner, and my mother and father were both in the room, and it wasn't the right time. So, we talked about the show and he said he was hoping I would stay over again...and he seemed genuinely disappointed that I wasn't going to go to come out. So I told him depending on how I felt, I'd come out for dinner before hand, and we could get some drinks at the bar before the show - but I would have to go home relatively early.
I didn't feel great yesterday, but not bad enough to stay in. So I went to Philly where we had dinner at a cute restaurant. Walking to dinner, he mentioned something that struck me as odd. He was talking to me about his boss, and how she had just broken up with her boyfriend and was talking to him about it. Out of curiosity and nothing else, I asked how old she was. In my mind she was young-ish. Maybe mid 30s. He responded that she was older, maybe 48 or so and that I "had nothing to worry about." I asked him what he meant by that, and he said I didn't have to worry about his boss making a move on him. I responded that it wasn't his boss I was concerned about. I was hoping this could lead into potential BFPE talk.... but of course, it didn't.
Dinner was fine. On the walk over, we passed a restaurant that he mentioned he'd like to go to with me. Again, future plans... but no future progress. At one point he got a little flustered, and stumbled around asking me what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I don't think I'm at the point where I want to invite him over for the holidays yet, but I know from past history that he asks me what I'm doing when he wants to make plans. I told him my plans and asked him his. He talked a long circle around the fact that he really doesn't have plans, but might just go down the shore to see his parents. I thought about inviting him, for a hot second, but I refuse to invite someone to dinner with my entire family plus some who has a girlfriend, whether it be in another country or not.
After dinner, we walked back to his place for a short visit with his cats and to play some guitar hero. Seriously, that's it. Not even any making out. We're regressing physically (ok, I was deathly ill and probably pretty unattractive). But the Guitar Hero was fun. I'm getting better at it, so long as I just play the notes and don't think about it. As soon as I try to think about what I'm doing, I start to really suck. I should start a new blog just for my progress in guitar hero. It might be more exciting than my dating at this point.
HOWEVER, my school crush came back into the picture today! Woohoo. After a few weeks of us having very minimal communication other than the necessary school talk, I had given up hope in that area. I ran into him today in the hallway with my co-worker (who agrees with me that he is attractive in the geeky older sense), and we chatted about school stuff. Nothing new, and I made a good showing of my sex appeal by coughing up storm and whining about how sick I was feeling. Maybe he has a nurturing side. He shows up in my classroom, unexpected around 4pm. I was getting ready to leave for the evening. He joked with me about leaving so early, since he knows I'm usually in school until at least 5 or later. He waited around in my room until I was done closing up and ready to leave, and then said he'd walk me out. I had to go to the copy room to drop something off for tomorrow, and he came with. We walked out together and talked for a bit in the parking lot. He asked what I did over the long weekend, but talk was mostly centered around school stuff. He told me that I need to make sure I have a balance in my work life and social life. I wonder if he's interested in helping me balance that out...
Thursday, November 08, 2007
movie theaters, mix tapes, and more action.
It has been one month since my first date with CK. I'm surprised how long this has lasted, especially because I didn't have any great expectations of this ever working out. To be honest, I still don't, but that's because of the BFPE, more on that later.
On Tuesday night, CK and I had plans to go see a movie. We were originally going to see an earlier show, but plans changed and we had to see a later showing instead. Since the movie wasn't until 9:30, we had some time before to kill. I went over to his place around 8ish, and he cooked up some (frozen - not homemade) samosas with a mango chili sauce, they were quite delicious. We talked about his upcoming trip to China, work, and life in general, but nothing about BFPE. We drank some gin and tonics and played some guitar hero as well. Which I have to say, I'm getting a little better at, I still suck, but not AS bad. When I got there I gave him cds (not mix tapes!) of 2 bands that I thought he would like, and he gave me a mix cd. Awww. Yes, my first mix from a guy since my boyfriend I broke up with over 3 years ago. It's a good mix from what I've listened to so far. A good blend of indie rock and bands I haven't heard of, so far I'm liking what I hear. I am NOT going to read into any of the songs that are on it, because it's just a mix of good music he thinks I'd like (however, if I were to make him a mix cd, I wouldn't put any songs on there that had questionably romantic lyrics - but I'm not reading into it!).
We walked over to the movie theatre around 9, and almost missed the show because we did get lost walking there. He bought the tickets and I bought the popcorn and drinks, a good compromise. The movie was great. We cuddled in the seats (even though they weren't the movie theater "cuddle seats" that have the arm rest that raises between the seats - he tried), and the movie itself was really enjoyable. My only complaint is he's kind of a loud movie talker. He hasn't seemed to master the art of whispering, or it just doesn't occur to him that not everyone in the theater wants to hear his thoughts or comments. But that can be changed, hopefully.. or maybe movie theater dates will be taken out of our repertoire.
The movie ended around 11:30, and we walked back to his place. He invited me to come up, and I knew if I was going to go up that late, I wouldn't be coming back down that night. Now I had already figured that I might be staying the night, so I had packed clothes in my car, just in case. I didn't want him to know that though, so I left them there. Once back in his apartment, we fell back into comfortable make-out habits, kissing and not much else. I wasn't going to spend the night just to kiss a guy, so things needed to move to the next level. He did ask me if I wanted to stay over and I pretended to think about it and eventually agreed. We moved the making out to the bedroom, and I was SURE things were going pick up speed then. But then we just cuddled and went to bed. Eventually there was some removal of clothing, and things did progress. We still have not had sex, which is fine by me, because he still has a girlfriend. There were a couple of points in the evening that I thought about bringing it up, and I do think about it more often than I did before.
Things I noticed:
On Tuesday night, CK and I had plans to go see a movie. We were originally going to see an earlier show, but plans changed and we had to see a later showing instead. Since the movie wasn't until 9:30, we had some time before to kill. I went over to his place around 8ish, and he cooked up some (frozen - not homemade) samosas with a mango chili sauce, they were quite delicious. We talked about his upcoming trip to China, work, and life in general, but nothing about BFPE. We drank some gin and tonics and played some guitar hero as well. Which I have to say, I'm getting a little better at, I still suck, but not AS bad. When I got there I gave him cds (not mix tapes!) of 2 bands that I thought he would like, and he gave me a mix cd. Awww. Yes, my first mix from a guy since my boyfriend I broke up with over 3 years ago. It's a good mix from what I've listened to so far. A good blend of indie rock and bands I haven't heard of, so far I'm liking what I hear. I am NOT going to read into any of the songs that are on it, because it's just a mix of good music he thinks I'd like (however, if I were to make him a mix cd, I wouldn't put any songs on there that had questionably romantic lyrics - but I'm not reading into it!).
We walked over to the movie theatre around 9, and almost missed the show because we did get lost walking there. He bought the tickets and I bought the popcorn and drinks, a good compromise. The movie was great. We cuddled in the seats (even though they weren't the movie theater "cuddle seats" that have the arm rest that raises between the seats - he tried), and the movie itself was really enjoyable. My only complaint is he's kind of a loud movie talker. He hasn't seemed to master the art of whispering, or it just doesn't occur to him that not everyone in the theater wants to hear his thoughts or comments. But that can be changed, hopefully.. or maybe movie theater dates will be taken out of our repertoire.
The movie ended around 11:30, and we walked back to his place. He invited me to come up, and I knew if I was going to go up that late, I wouldn't be coming back down that night. Now I had already figured that I might be staying the night, so I had packed clothes in my car, just in case. I didn't want him to know that though, so I left them there. Once back in his apartment, we fell back into comfortable make-out habits, kissing and not much else. I wasn't going to spend the night just to kiss a guy, so things needed to move to the next level. He did ask me if I wanted to stay over and I pretended to think about it and eventually agreed. We moved the making out to the bedroom, and I was SURE things were going pick up speed then. But then we just cuddled and went to bed. Eventually there was some removal of clothing, and things did progress. We still have not had sex, which is fine by me, because he still has a girlfriend. There were a couple of points in the evening that I thought about bringing it up, and I do think about it more often than I did before.
Things I noticed:
- He called me "babe" - now this reminds me of the jdate for jesus guy, but CK pulled it off in a much better way. It wasn't out of place, but it is new.
- He told me he wants me to meet his friends.
- He told me he was going to miss me when I'm in Boston this weekend (where I am now!) and I assured him that 5 days is not that long, and he will be in China for much longer. He agreed.
- He texted me in the morning after I left telling me he was glad I stayed over.
All of these things made me smile, and left me feeling good about the date Tuesday night. So what now? The BFPE needs to go. This is my next mission, and I am thinking about asking him to dinner on Monday night when I get back to get this out of the way. If that one factor was not in the picture (literally - her picture is still on the wall, staring me down every time I kiss her boyfriend), I'd be on cloud 9. But this little detail is keeping me grounded in this situation and I want to resolve it. I don't think I want to give him an ultimatum, her or me, because I think I'm afraid he'll choose her. Every time I think about saying something I picture the conversation happening exactly the way it did a year ago with D. So for now, I'm going to enjoy my vacation in Boston, and leave the BFPE in Philly to be dealt with at a later date and time.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
No Action.
So it continues... Last night, I hung out with CK, again. This time we went to see my friend's show and we went with my other friend and her fiance. Another double date of sorts, which was fine. The whole date was fine. Although, it's starting to feel like it may never progress further than fine. We're definitely dating, although I don't know how this is supposed to work in his supposed "open relationship." I would be pretty pissed if I found out he was dating someone else here, but if he already has another girlfriend, why does that matter?
The details of this date are not exciting nor very important. He came to my house around 6:30, and I made sure he didn't actually come inside my house because my parents and grandma were there, and I wanted to avoid a completely premature awkward scene. My best friend and her fiance met us there, and the four of us drove up to central Jersey to see a play. The ride was nice. We listened to some good tunes and talked, and it was fine. The show was good (Debbie was awesome), there was some hand-holding and couplely actions like that... but nothing new to speak of. After the show, we went to dinner with my friends, and it was a good, comfortable time. The drive home was fine. When we got back to my house, my friends left, and we kissed briefly, and then he left. No more action than that, yet.
So while I'm still waiting for some action more than holding hands and kissing... there are some positives here. Debbie says that it didn't feel like he was "new" to our group of friends and that I act better around him than I did with any of my other exes. This is a good sign. We were less physically awkward around each other this time, which was a good development and I think it's progressing positively. My friends like him, he continues to be interested (or so it seems) in me. He has the habit of asking me what I'm doing on certain days, and then never really inviting me to do anything. Like the concert, he told me about it but never really invited me to go to it... I think maybe in his mind, telling me about something, or bringing it up is his way of inviting me? I'm not sure, but for now, I'm the one who continues to make the plans, and he's very receptive to it, and reciprocates with the appropriate responses for someone who is interested in a relationship. Well, maybe not a relationship - but whatever it is that we're having right now. Fun? Still nothing more than hand holding and kissing, and it's been six dates already. I don't think I've ever waited this long in any other relationship I've been in. I'm not saying I'm ready to sleep with him, but I think I'd like to move this a little further on the physical scale. On Thursday of this week, it will be a month since our first date and when I see him on Tuesday, it'll be 7 dates worth... so we're averaging over a date a week. That puts him with the most actual dates in this blog, with the exception of the Israeli (who doesn't count... and me spending the night at his apartment hardly constitutes dating...). He also wins for the least amount of action with someone I've blogged about multiple times. Maybe I'm rushing things, maybe I should enjoy the slow pace this is progressing, clearly rushing things never worked in my best interest before. So, slow and steady wins the race? I'm going for the gold.
The details of this date are not exciting nor very important. He came to my house around 6:30, and I made sure he didn't actually come inside my house because my parents and grandma were there, and I wanted to avoid a completely premature awkward scene. My best friend and her fiance met us there, and the four of us drove up to central Jersey to see a play. The ride was nice. We listened to some good tunes and talked, and it was fine. The show was good (Debbie was awesome), there was some hand-holding and couplely actions like that... but nothing new to speak of. After the show, we went to dinner with my friends, and it was a good, comfortable time. The drive home was fine. When we got back to my house, my friends left, and we kissed briefly, and then he left. No more action than that, yet.
So while I'm still waiting for some action more than holding hands and kissing... there are some positives here. Debbie says that it didn't feel like he was "new" to our group of friends and that I act better around him than I did with any of my other exes. This is a good sign. We were less physically awkward around each other this time, which was a good development and I think it's progressing positively. My friends like him, he continues to be interested (or so it seems) in me. He has the habit of asking me what I'm doing on certain days, and then never really inviting me to do anything. Like the concert, he told me about it but never really invited me to go to it... I think maybe in his mind, telling me about something, or bringing it up is his way of inviting me? I'm not sure, but for now, I'm the one who continues to make the plans, and he's very receptive to it, and reciprocates with the appropriate responses for someone who is interested in a relationship. Well, maybe not a relationship - but whatever it is that we're having right now. Fun? Still nothing more than hand holding and kissing, and it's been six dates already. I don't think I've ever waited this long in any other relationship I've been in. I'm not saying I'm ready to sleep with him, but I think I'd like to move this a little further on the physical scale. On Thursday of this week, it will be a month since our first date and when I see him on Tuesday, it'll be 7 dates worth... so we're averaging over a date a week. That puts him with the most actual dates in this blog, with the exception of the Israeli (who doesn't count... and me spending the night at his apartment hardly constitutes dating...). He also wins for the least amount of action with someone I've blogged about multiple times. Maybe I'm rushing things, maybe I should enjoy the slow pace this is progressing, clearly rushing things never worked in my best interest before. So, slow and steady wins the race? I'm going for the gold.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Not.
A year ago, today in fact, I decided to take a break from blogging to pursue a relationship with T, it was date #4, and each date had gotten progressively better... it just seemed like the time to stop blogging. Well, that all blew up in my face, and not a week later I found myself wondering just what I did wrong to make him not interested. I am worried about CK falling into similar patterns. I find myself constantly doubting things because of the way things with T turned out so suddenly, or the way the D situation unfolded only a month after the T situation. I find myself constantly having to remind myself that CK is NOT T, and he is NOT D. No matter how striking the similarities in situations may be.
I had a rough day at school today. Lots of unnecessary worrying about an observation that never happened, and not enough worrying about a spirit week competition that little did I know, I was doomed to win. Turns out, tomorrow out school I will have to dress up in the school mascot costume because I raised the most money during the lunch periods this week. Unfortunately, I was ambushed. The teacher who was beating me for most of this week turned on me today and all her friends (she's been at this school for years, and is a very well liked, respected teacher) put money in my container so I would win (I was the closest to her, so the least amount of money necessary to assure her loss - nothing personal, I hope.) Anyway, with a surprise donation from the principal, I won... and in reality... lost, because now I have to wear a big, sweaty lion's costume all day tomorrow. Today, in essence... sucked. I had spoken with CK earlier in the week, and he had mentioned hanging out one night this week. I didn't know if I would be able to due to work, grad school, spirit week, etc. After the day I had today though, I sent him a text message to see if his offer was still good. It was.
I went over his place, with the intention of hanging out and playing some Guitar Hero and Wii. Good times. I apparently suck at Guitar Hero, and am still relatively awful at the Wii as well (although, kick ass at bowling - go figure). We played for a while, and it was the same gradual increase of level of comfort that we've experienced the past 4 times we've hung out. We literally started on opposite sides of the room - and gradually moved close enough to be cuddled on the couch by the end. I enjoy his company so very much that I hardly noticed or cared or thought about the BFPE's picture that was still staring me down on the wall. Not true, at one point when he was out of the room, I got close enough to do a full inspection of the picture.
At this point, I know... I need talk to him about it. Every time we hang out, I get a little more emotionally invested. Everyone and their mother (or in my case, my classroom aide - because my mother, his mother, and my grandmother seem to be the only ones who see nothing wrong with the fact that he has a girlfriend) has given me their 2 cents on when and how I should bring this up. And I know I should because when push comes to shove, I need to figure out where this is going soon before I get hurt once again. We had a really great time tonight. He treats me like this is going in a direction of being more than just a casual thing. We talked about going to a concert together the night before he leaves for China. He is coming to my best friend's play this weekend with me and my other best friend and her fiance. He told me tonight that I am always welcome at his place, and I can come over whenever I want. All this is well and good, but I want something more that will let me know if I am over investing myself in something that will dead end on me in a few month's time because he decides he'd rather be with BFPE.
Exactly a year after T's infamous "cat and dictionary" invitation, I have my guard up and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. While, I still have to keep reminding myself that CK is NOT any of the guys that have hurt me or scarred me in the past, I also have to remind myself that I am NOT his girlfriend. at least not yet.
I had a rough day at school today. Lots of unnecessary worrying about an observation that never happened, and not enough worrying about a spirit week competition that little did I know, I was doomed to win. Turns out, tomorrow out school I will have to dress up in the school mascot costume because I raised the most money during the lunch periods this week. Unfortunately, I was ambushed. The teacher who was beating me for most of this week turned on me today and all her friends (she's been at this school for years, and is a very well liked, respected teacher) put money in my container so I would win (I was the closest to her, so the least amount of money necessary to assure her loss - nothing personal, I hope.) Anyway, with a surprise donation from the principal, I won... and in reality... lost, because now I have to wear a big, sweaty lion's costume all day tomorrow. Today, in essence... sucked. I had spoken with CK earlier in the week, and he had mentioned hanging out one night this week. I didn't know if I would be able to due to work, grad school, spirit week, etc. After the day I had today though, I sent him a text message to see if his offer was still good. It was.
I went over his place, with the intention of hanging out and playing some Guitar Hero and Wii. Good times. I apparently suck at Guitar Hero, and am still relatively awful at the Wii as well (although, kick ass at bowling - go figure). We played for a while, and it was the same gradual increase of level of comfort that we've experienced the past 4 times we've hung out. We literally started on opposite sides of the room - and gradually moved close enough to be cuddled on the couch by the end. I enjoy his company so very much that I hardly noticed or cared or thought about the BFPE's picture that was still staring me down on the wall. Not true, at one point when he was out of the room, I got close enough to do a full inspection of the picture.
At this point, I know... I need talk to him about it. Every time we hang out, I get a little more emotionally invested. Everyone and their mother (or in my case, my classroom aide - because my mother, his mother, and my grandmother seem to be the only ones who see nothing wrong with the fact that he has a girlfriend) has given me their 2 cents on when and how I should bring this up. And I know I should because when push comes to shove, I need to figure out where this is going soon before I get hurt once again. We had a really great time tonight. He treats me like this is going in a direction of being more than just a casual thing. We talked about going to a concert together the night before he leaves for China. He is coming to my best friend's play this weekend with me and my other best friend and her fiance. He told me tonight that I am always welcome at his place, and I can come over whenever I want. All this is well and good, but I want something more that will let me know if I am over investing myself in something that will dead end on me in a few month's time because he decides he'd rather be with BFPE.
Exactly a year after T's infamous "cat and dictionary" invitation, I have my guard up and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. While, I still have to keep reminding myself that CK is NOT any of the guys that have hurt me or scarred me in the past, I also have to remind myself that I am NOT his girlfriend. at least not yet.
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