For me.

If you're only interested in reading this blog for humorous stories of dates I've been on (which is ok!), then you might want to skip today's. I didn't write it for you, I wrote it for me.

Yesterday, I raked leaves for hours. And managed to bag 11 enormous lawn and leaf bags, which made my backyard not look like a jungle. This is all very good (despite not how I wanted to spend my first Sunday off in a month). Yet, I do not have a single tree on my property and it was all I could think about as I worked outside. I'm bagging leaves that don't belong to me, it's not MY fault these leaves are in my yard. However, if I don't bag them and get them out of my yard, no one else will do it. This has nothing to do with dating... except it does. It has to do with me doing things for me, and not because it matters if anyone else cares that I do it or not. At the end of the day, I was glad I raked, and glad my backyard doesn't look like a small overgrown jungle anymore, and glad that Dante can get to all his favorite spots without falling knee deep in leaves. So, all of this is good, but if I hadn't done it, no one would know, nor would anyone care.

Somewhere along the way, I seemed to have gotten lost in my life. I can't place where it started or when it happened, but I can't look back on my life and find something that I did for myself that wasn't based solely on what other people thought or would think about my decision. Or at least what I THOUGHT other people would think. To be honest, I don't think most people care. They want me to be happy, and they care about me, but they don't care about the things I do to actually get there. Somehow all this hit me yesterday while raking leaves that are not mine. As I'm raking, I was thinking about all the things I deal with in my life that are not mine, especially in relationships. Baggage that's not mine. Exes that are not mine. Families that are not mine (and not very nice to me). A lot of others' self-doubt and self-worth concerns that are NOT MINE. I realize this makes me sound very selfish, and I'm not. I enjoy sharing my life with others, and helping people with things that are not mine. My job choices show that, my loyalty to my friends and family show that, my ability to make things work in situations most wouldn't even consider shows that... And if it's equal in a relationship or balanced, that's ok. But in my relationship choices, I haven't had that balance and I'm willing to do more that's not mine because I'm concerned about how it will look if I don't. I've been through this before. I'm the girl who moved myself into my apartment in Brooklyn, up 4 flights of stairs, by myself, because I didn't want to ask anyone to help me. Not because I was proud, but because I didn't think anyone would. I've gotten better in most of my life but not in relationships. I've dated guys who I didn't think were good enough for me. Because it was easier than being rejected by someone who I would want to date for me. I care too much about what it looks like rather than what it is.

If I have to be honest with myself, I have never been in love. Nope. Not once. I'm lucky enough to know what being in love looks like, as I have amazing examples of it in my life. I've loved guys that I've been in relationships with, but I know that I was never in love with any of them, at least nothing that felt certain enough, for long enough. This hit me at some point during the summer, when I went to go see (500) Days of Summer in the theater. At the end, Summer says to Tom that she just woke up and was sure (about the new guy) what she was never sure of with him. That hit home, hard. I've never been sure about anything in my relationships. There was a time with Mr. Perfect that I thought I was, but once I realized it wasn't what I was looking for, I stayed in the relationship long past then. I want to sure, I want to know, and "they" say that you know it when you find it... here's to hoping that I'll know.

I want to date someone who is right FOR ME. And until then, I'm not dealing with any more crap that is not mine to deal with.

Thankful

Normally, I wouldn't be posting about being thankful at the end of a relationship (or whatever it is that I've had over the past month). 3 years ago, I wrote this post about being thankful for what I have, and to try to take life more as it comes, and not be so caught up where I think I should be. Flash forward 3 years, and I'm still in the exact same place. It's amazing, but I could have written that blog last night when I got home from Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's in-laws up in Connecticut. It was a great day, surrounded by a lot of love and laughter. When I'm around my family, I don't feel that urgency to find someone, to be a part of a relationship so quickly again. My family are probably the least judgmental people I know, and have tolerated A LOT of losers that I've brought around. I remember when my sister told me that my dad compared the poker player I dated for a while to a white wall... that's how interesting he was. But to my face, my parents would have never said anything about him. They want me to be happy, and if a white wall was making me happy, well then who are they to tell me otherwise. I know all of this, and yet, I am not willing to bring anyone around to meet them. It's seems as though anytime there is someone I think is worth introducing to them, they always disappoint... latest case in point:

I'm pretty sure things are just about done with the guy who lives with his ex. I don't know if he's reading the blog or not, or he's just stopped being interested; but the past few days, he's dropped off the radar, which is very unusual behavior for him. It's rare that I go a few hours without texting him normally, and the past few days, I've sent him texts, only for no response or very limited response from him. Yesterday, I sent him a text in the morning to wish him a happy Thanksgiving, and did not hear back from him all day. So at night, I sent him another text saying that I hoped he had a good day, and good luck in the morning since it's black friday, and he works in retail (=worst day of the year). He texted me back, but just to tell me how great his holiday was, and that's all. He didn't ask how mine was, didn't wish me a happy thanksgiving, nothing. I sent him another text saying that I was glad he had a nice holiday, and how he must be feeling better (he hadn't been feeling well the day before). He responded how he still wasn't feeling well, but not badly enough to prevent him from enjoying the holiday. Again, nothing to indicate that he cared how my holiday was, or any interest in my day at all. So, I decided to not text him today, to see if he'd text me. Nope. I haven't heard from him at all in 24 hours, so to me, that signifies an end to whatever this has become. I'm kind of angry that he thinks it's ok to just stop talking to me, I honestly really enjoyed all of our conversations and time spent together, and if it wasn't going anywhere, then at least we could've been friends. At this point I have no idea what to think of it, and I'm pretty disappointed that he's chosen an absence of communication.

So that's it, that's how it ends with guy who lives with his ex, I guess. I'd be surprised if I never heard from him again, but I'm not sure how I'd even respond at this point. Things I'm thankful for out of this whole thing (because my new dating attitude = positive, not bitter):
1. I'm thankful that I met someone with whom I had a great connection. Yes, the timing sucked, yes, his situation was not ideal, and maybe the relationship was not meant to be, but we had a palpable connection, and that was truly exciting.
2. I'm thankful that I didn't rush things with him. Things never really progressed beyond very basic kissing on the couch. I'm glad it didn't go too far.
3. I'm thankful that I have so much to look forward to in the future. Whoever it is that I'm going to end up with is still out there, and I'm looking forward to that first date!

My mom offered to get me a subscription to Jdate for Hanukkah. I guess it's back out in the world of dating again... I never seem to be gone for too long. I'm really going to try the Jewish thing for a while, who knows it might work out in my favor... never has before, but it's always worth a shot.

The Kill Switch

This has been a pretty slow few weeks of dating. It does not help that I've been working like fiend. By the time Thanksgiving comes around, it will be my first day off in 14 days. The constant workload is starting to take it's toll on me a bit, but I like be busy all the time. It's better than having too much free time. When I have too much down time, I do crazy things.

Anyway, this was not the case this week. I know the guy who lives with his ex wanted to see me more this week, but I just didn't really have the time. On Wednesday we went to the movies, which was nice. But it was all that we did. He picked me up, we went to the movies, he dropped back off at my house. No long hours of talking or me not getting enough sleep that I could blame on this week's dates. Nothing really of note from Wednesday night.

Last night, I went to see some of my old students in the high school play in my school district with a friend. The guy asked me earlier in the week to go to this fund raiser with him at a bar near his house, but I didn't think I'd be able to make it because of the play. After the show was over, we were looking for something to do, so we went to the bar where the guy and his friends were. I knew this was a dangerous move for a few reasons. First of all, he had texted me that he was really drunk, so that's already a problem. Secondly, he was there with his roommate/ex-brother-in-law, and a friend that he works with. I think it might be jumping the gun a bit to meet each other's friends (and ex in-laws). But we went, and everyone was introduced. True to his fashion, he asked me if he could kiss me in front of my friend, if I would be ok with that. He needs to just do things, and stop asking or announcing it before hand. If he's so concerned I'm not going to like it, then he shouldn't do it at all. If he had kissed me, I would have went with it, but he didn't, he asked, and I didn't really know what to say to that. So nothing. It was all going well, until I realized how drunk the guy actually was. First, he spilled his beer all over the bar, which isn't a big deal, but I'd probably have flagged him at that point. I'm not his mother, nor his girlfriend, so I have no say in telling him when he needs to stop drinking. So he continued. And I noticed throughout the night, his conversation was getting a bit confrontational. He kept mentioning, that I had all these control issues, and I constantly have my finger on the kill switch, so I can walk away at any time, unscathed. He's not completely incorrect. I don't have a whole lot invested here, and I'm not really thinking long term. But the way he was coming at me about it was something very foreign to me. Usually, we joke around a bit, but this seemed almost malicious.

As the night went on, some people at the bar were dancing, and he mentioned that the girls were dancing together in a lesbian fashion - I made some comment about he how would know, since he's the expert on all things lesbian. And somehow in the conversation I used the word "lesbianic," which I know fully well is not a real word, but he goes on to challenge me on it. And so he tells me to look it up on my phone, so I find a definition for it on Urban Dictionary. This started a crazy argument. He claims that Urban Dictionary is not a credible source, which I agree with, but I was being contrary, and made him prove why. He claims it's not a credible source because it's like Wikipedia, which he claims is not a credible source. Well, that got me started on my librarian tirade about how Wikipedia is as credible as the Encyclopedia Britannica, and if you would accept that as a credible source, than Wikipedia is a credible source as well. This is my area of expertise, I have my Master's in this nonsense. Seriously. And he's arguing with me that Wikipedia is not a credible source, I tried stopping the conversation, multiple times, because he was drunk, and he was yelling, and I was really really uncomfortable. Had we both been sober, and having this conversation in my living room, at a normal tone, I don't think it would have escalated into what happened next. So, after I tried stopping the conversation 3 times, I finally turned to him and said, I really need you to stop because I asked you 3 times and you won't shut up! (or something really obnoxious like that) I knew it was mean, I knew I shouldn't have said it as soon as the words were out of my mouth, but it was too late. And he got very offended, as he should, and went to leave. I could have let him walk away, angry, and who knows what would have been the end result. But, I didn't. I explained to him, that I tried to stop the conversation 3 times, and he wouldn't listen. And he agreed, and we talked it out, and I guess everything turned out ok.

I was really unsettled with how things were left in general. There was no physical contact throughout the entire night besides him occasionally putting his arm around me, or on my back. Which I'm ok with, I don't think HE is ok with, and I think he somehow managed to express his frustrations with me through the argument over Wikipedia. Which probably wasn't about Wikipedia after all. So I have my finger on the Kill Switch, it's probably just a matter of time.

Someone Who Gets Me

I'm staffing a convention this weekend for the youth group, which is very long and time consuming, and a lot of over stimulation on the Judaism front. Of course, the theme of this year's convention is the Jewish life cycle. And the course I'm staffing (with the help of a much senior advisor, of course), Jewish weddings. Oh lord. If my conscience wasn't already screaming to me that I should be dating someone Jewish, well this didn't help either. And to be honest, I don't want to date/marry someone who is Jewish because I want to be really religious all the sudden. But, the rabbi tonight put it very well, it's easier to be with someone who gets you. And if you're raised in similar situations, with like-minded families, and have like minded goals, the better chance that the person you're with will get you. I get it, totally. And it's something I want. I just haven't made the commitment to finding it yet. Well, to be fair, the guy I had a huge crush on over the summer was Jewish, not practicing, but from a Jewish family - just the way I like 'em. But I hadn't made a commitment to finding that in him, it just happened to be a pleasant surprise. Not that it matters, it didn't work out in my favor, but that was the last and only Jewish guy I can remember even being mildly interested in for quite some time.

The guys I've dated before that were Jewish don't have the greatest track record (well, let's be honest - none of the guys I've dated have a great track record - otherwise - I wouldn't still be looking!), but let's focus on the Jews in particular. Because according to the rabbi tonight, these will be the guys who "get" me. My longest term relationship was with a Jewish guy, he's now SUPER UBER Jewish, and that's horrifying to me. When we dated, he was interested in Judaism culturally, and we celebrated the holidays, but trust me - he ate bacon and he liked it. But now he's Kosher, and probably keeps Shabbat, and seriously, I don't like the idea of subscribing to a religion because it fits your life. It should be because you believe in it. The first guy in Brooklyn I dated for a substantial period of time (the poker player) was Jewish. Definitely not practicing, and we never dated over any of the holidays, so it never even played a part in our relationship. Regardless of our shared background of religious upbringing, we had NOTHING else in common. That kid did NOT get me. And to be honest, I didn't really get him either. So that brings me to the last Jewish guy I dated for any significant period of time, and that's CK. Now, I KNOW our mothers and my grandmother set this up because they both looked at us and thought -- Hmm, they are relatively the same age, and JEWISH. A match made in heaven for them. The fact that he had a bisexual girlfriend living in Canada? Irrelevant. He was Jewish. He must be PERFECT for me. And you know what, in a lot of ways CK and I really worked. If it hadn't been for his girlfriend in Canada and him lying to me about it... well maybe things would've been different, but that's neither here nor there. I do remember one of my favorite dates with him was when we went out for Chinese food on Christmas. Last year's Christmas was obviously spent with Mr. Perfect, and I had my very first Christmas tree, and had Christmas morning with presents, and big family breakfast, but it wasn't MY holiday. I felt like an outsider, and that's not what I want.

I think someone who's not Jewish could get me. definitely. When I was in Hawaii, I wrote out a list of my "Perfect Guy" attributes (and I can't believe I'm going to post that on here, but it's what I think I want at the moment. It changes all the time!)
#1 - SMART (and yes I wrote that in all caps, and underlined it a couple of times)
#2 - Passionate - about something, preferably me....
#3 - Creative - goes along with passionate, but I want someone on the creative side of the spectrum - musically, artistically, emotionally, how ever it works...
#4 - Friendly/Social - Someone who can hold their own in a group, Someone who doesn't have trouble meeting new people (can anyone guess where this one stems from??)
#5 - Positive - can look at a bad situation and make something better out of it. (again - three guesses on who DIDN'T do this...)
#6 -Laughter - Someone who can make me laugh, and partakes in laughter, a lot.
**Bonus points for - Jewish (or just spiritual), successful (not rich, but happy in his chosen life path), grounded, goal oriented, spontaneous, a reader, and someone who can keep me guessing, and smiling, most of the time.

Above all, someone who wants me to be happy.

That right there, is the guy who gets me. Doesn't seem like it would be too hard find.

Outed

So my blog has been read by someone who lives with the guy who lives with his ex (but not his ex). I actually had figured this out yesterday through a conversation that I had with him, and I'm debating whether that means I go back and change what I've written in the past. Right now, I'm opting for not changing it. I'm totally allowed to feel however I want to feel and write about it, if he or anyone he lives with choose to read it, I can't help that. Nor should I feel like I have to apologize for it. This my slight rant because yesterday we were talking over IM, and he brought up the "announcing" thing, which I didn't think I made a huge deal about when we were together, but apparently I did and I hurt his feelings. I felt badly about hurting his feelings, but the depth of what he said and how he made me feel awkward felt like it was coming straight from the blog. Since I don't remember talking that much about it, I assumed he had read the blog and that was where his hurt feelings came from. Apparently I had made a big deal about it, and it hurt his feelings anyway, but regardless, he didn't read the blog, his roommate did.

I think besides the previous entry they were all pretty fair. The last one I was extremely tired and grouchy. Which may lead me to over think things, and over analyze. But it's exactly how I was feeling at the time. Just like the ones before that when I was giddy and happy about it was exactly how I felt at that time... I've been guarded from the beginning, and that's only fair considering his unconventional living situation, but I think I'm giving this guy a fair shake. If I wanted to end this, I've had plenty of outs, but there's something there definitely, and it makes me want to continue. I'm taking this SUPER slow and that's ok with me. I'm in no rush, it's not like I've got to have it all figured out anyway. I'm really not sure about anything in my life at this point, my life is consumed with work, which I hate - but I love all my jobs, and I feel like I'm falling behind in work the more time I spend dating. But if I ever want to reach a point where I'm not dating, then I have to continue it. Catch 22. Damn.

Grouchy.

I feel like I may be getting myself into trouble with this new guy. I can't tell if it's because of the general lack of sleep that has existed in my life since last Thursday, or because I'm fooling myself. I don't know. I do know that I've been extremely grouchy today, and really tired on top of it all. I want to go back to the first date, where it was just the facts, and not so complex.

Last night, he came over to my house under the pretense of watching a movie and ordering some pizza. We did order pizza, but the movie was never watched. Not for any reasons any of you might infer, either. We ended up just talking on the couch for about 5 hours. Just talking I'd say for 95% of the time, 5% kissing. I'm not looking to rush this any farther, and I can really just get caught up in the conversation that I don't want to be distracted by other things. I go back and forth on the physical aspect of this relationship. I like it, but sometimes I question if I enjoy it or not. I think I might really prefer to develop the friendship and see if the physical part comes a little more naturally later. He's still super awkward when it comes to all of that. I actually had to tell him last night that he doesn't need to tell me that he's going to kiss me before he does. Seriously, it's like a play by play announcer in the room.

Announcing aside, there are little things that bother me about this budding relationship. Nothing substantial or anything of note, but I'm wondering if it's my guard going up, or something else entirely. I don't expect to know how I feel about him after less than a month, and I wouldn't feel so badly about it except he seems to be pretty confident in how he feels about me, and doesn't stop telling me. He's still over complimentary. Last night's best one was, "I like your ears." Um, dude, it's GOT to stop. It's getting to the point where it actually makes me a bit uncomfortable.

November has never been a good dating month for me. For some reason this year I'm reminded of my relationship with T and how he dropped off the face of the earth, mid November. Part of me wants to do that. Just drop off the planet for a little while. I feel like I know what I want, ultimately, and a guy who is still living with his ex-wife (lesbian or not), has been divorced just barely over a year, doesn't seem to know what he wants in his life... I hate to say all this, because I DO like him. A lot in fact, it's just that at the end of the day, I'm not dating just to date anymore. I'm dating because I am looking to be with one person. And even though Mr. Perfect and I haven't been broken up for that long, I feel like I've been doing this forever.

So what does all this mean for the guy who lives with his ex. Do we have a connection - undoubtedly so. He makes me laugh, we can talk for hours at a time, and he has no trouble showing me how interested he is in me... so what's my problem?? Maybe it's the physical? I enjoy it when it feels natural and not awkward as hell. I'm still working through this one, but for now I need a good night's rest and some time to process all that I want.

No Sleep.

Yesterday was the new guy's birthday. We had spent a substantial amount of time together the night before, but we decided we'd hang out again after I was done working last night anyway. Regardless of how long I've known a person or how well, I think birthdays are important days, hence why I spent time with Mr. P on his birthday, and I certainly didn't mind 2 nights in a row with this guy. I wanted to do something special but nothing over the top for him. So I bought a bottle of wine, checked out a selection of movies from the library/blockbuster, and cleaned the downstairs of my house (this in itself is a BIG deal!).

He came over around 10, and we had been up so late the night before that it felt really late to me. We had some wine, picked one of the 6 movies I had brought home, and settled in. We cuddled on the couch, and it was really nice. If it was my birthday, I would've been pretty happy with the events. As the night progressed, I was fighting to not fall asleep during the movie, so we stopped watching it and talked, kissed, and other activities... passing time is something which we clearly have no trouble doing. And 10 o'clock turned to 4am... again. I had to work fairly early today. So I was up at 8, after not a lot of sleep the night before, and only 4 hours of sleep last night, I'm feeling kinda clouded today. These late nights are starting to catch up with me, but when I'm in the moment, I don't think much about how it will affect me later!

Some of the conversations we had last night weren't really important. Some were very important. I am more comfortable talking to him about his ex wife, and the whole situation than I was before. One of our conversations revolved around that. I feel like I have a better understanding on why they are still living together, and despite it all, I am really ok with it. I'm not ready to meet her or anything like that, but I can handle the fact that she is a daily part of his life. It's not an ideal situation, but it's not an impossible one either. I'm more concerned about how my family/friends will respond to this, which I know in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter. What matters is if I'm happy, and not what they think. I care deeply about the opinions of my friends and family, and would love their approval, but I feel like this might be one situation that is hard for them to wrap their heads around. I'm still taking it one day at a time, and not getting in over my head. I need a few days apart, maybe one good night's sleep, and then I think I'll be able to think clearly about this.

Turning Point

I'm always surprised how quickly these things happen. I mean one minute, I'm content dating multiple guys, seeing where things go with each of them, and the next, I feel like any date would be an indiscretion and somewhat dishonest to the guy I've been dating. It's been 5 dates (one in 2 parts - that's to come) with the guy who lives with his ex. And I've done everything in my power to rationalize every reason why I shouldn't be with him, but I can't do it anymore. I like him, he likes me... so it just makes sense at this point. He's not perfect for me, not by any stretch of the imagination. And I don't know if it has real staying power, but for right now, I'm going to be happy enjoying it in the moment, taking it as it comes, and while I don't have to stop dating other people, I probably will.

Yesterday's date happened in two parts.

Part One

New guy and I had been texting all day the day before until about 7ish. I had a youth group event that night and he was going out to watch the game with some friends, so I knew that texting would be sporadic at best. He had sent me a text before I left asking me where I was, and which made me think that he hadn't gotten some of my previous texts. I sent him a text during my event, lamenting the score of the game and asking how his night was going... but I didn't hear back from him. I start to panic whenever there is a change in communication patterns. It's nonsense, because texting is an unreliable way of communicating, but I do freak out a bit. I got a text from him when I got home later that night, after midnight, accusing me of falling of the planet, but he hopes I had a good time out and he'd talk to me soon. I was confused because I clearly hadn't been the one to fall off the planet, he hadn't returned any of my texts! I sent him an email, and mentioned that we might be having technical difficulties with our texts. In the morning, still no response from him, so I started to panic a little bit. This is how I know I like this guy. If I didn't, I wouldn't care too much about not hearing from him (like when the bad kisser dropped off the planet, I didn't think twice about it). So, I decided that I was going to call him. I don't think I've ever initiated a phone call to him, and we've only talked on the phone a handful of times, and usually just to firm up plans. I was nervous, but it turned out to be no big deal. He hadn't gotten any of my text messages since the night before, around 6 or 7 ish. So he thought I was ignoring his texts and he hadn't checked his email. It all worked out fine, and we decided to go out for lunch, even though we had talked about hanging out at night too.

We went to lunch, and then to coffee, and just spent hours talking as usual. In my mind I was wondering if we were ever going to take this past the talking and a kiss goodbye stage, because that's exactly how it's been going for the past 4 dates. The first half of this date was the same. He drove me back to my house, dropped me off, kissed me goodbye. Again, no great spark at the kissing... and I was disappointed. He had to go out for his friend's birthday and I was meeting up with friends for dinner, but he wanted to hang out after he was done dinner.

Intermission - Dinner & Pedicure = me hashing this out with the girls. The opinion there was to move this past the kiss goodbye stage, but short of him coming into my house or me going to his, I couldn't figure out how to make this happen.

Part Two

He came back to my house to pick me up for the second part of our date. He wanted to come in to my house, but I hadn't cleaned and there was NO way that was happening. And he clearly didn't want to go back to his place with all of his roommates about. So we ended up at a diner. And we stayed there for hours, and talked and talked... it's turning into a pattern. We drink coffee, we talk, we go back to my house, he kisses me goodbye, the end. I was NOT going to allow that to happen. This was do or die. Not to be harsh, but if there wasn't a spark at the end of this date, then that was it! I was done. So, after hours at the diner, he drives me back to my house, and we kiss... but it's different this time. Neither one of us in a rush to leave, or get somewhere. So we lingered, and the kissing was... well... remarkably better in terms of sparks. Butterflies and excitement and all of that. I'm glad I didn't write it off at the first one, or the second... third time's the charm. I feel great when I'm with him, he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am, and really seems wowed to be with me all the time. I'm getting better at accepting compliments like these, and instead of trying to be humble and deny them, I'm trying to get better by just saying "thanks." It's definitely new, considering I can count on maybe 2 hands the number of times Mr. Perfect told me he thought I was pretty. But this guy doesn't hold back, and I like it. We stayed in his car for about 2 hours or so. It wasn't really the most comfortable, and seemed so silly because we were right outside my house, where no one else lives but me, but really it wasn't clean enough. And being in the car definitely prohibits things from going too far too fast. I finally went in my house around 3 am, and I feel bad because he had to work today. It's his birthday today, and he has plans with his ex-wife's family for dinner/cake (I know... at what point does that start sounding ok?) but he's coming over here afterwards. So today I'm cleaning in preparation, I feel excited about this prospect and nervous at the same time.

Last night was definitely a turning point, tonight may be too.

Kissable Moments.

So, it continues with the guy who lives with his ex-wife (needs a new name... can't think of anything clever). I'm torn, yeah, I don't like the situation, and every time I think about it, it makes me generally uncomfortable. And the worst part is I think I make sort of snide/seemingly jealous or bitter comments to him, which just makes me seem a little immature. Although, I'm not sure HOW I should respond when he talks about her. It's weird, definitely. But in all fairness, this situation is definitely different than the ones before. First off, I know that she knows about me, which is always a bit more comforting than being kept a secret, as was the case with CK & D. And I know he likes me. I'm not saying this as a perceived notion, I'm stating it as fact. He totally is into me. He texts me all the time, asks to see me pretty often, and I don't mind.

We went out on Monday night, instead of watching the World Series game as I had planned. In my defense, I did not want to watch them lose, and if they did win, there would be game 6 and (hopefully) game 7, so I should just go out. Well of course I missed a great game, but I had a great date instead. It was pretty low key. We went to dinner, he picked me up so there was no weird driving situation like last time. And after dinner we were going to go to the movies, but there wasn't anything that either of us were very interested in seeing, so we decided to go for coffee. But there weren't any coffee places open except Dunkin' Donuts (which is poorly lit for dates - it's way too harsh), and Starbucks, which we both don't like... so we drove to WaWa, got coffee and drove to a park. It was kind of a chilly night to be sitting out in a park, but it was night. We were sitting next to each other, so it made it hard to look at him while we were talking, that and I was trying to keep from shivering out of my skin - I get so cold so easily! At one point he told me how comfortable he felt with me, which was nice, and I feel comfortable with him too, I'm just not sure I feel romantically comfortable with him. He's kind of awkward in that area... and it just makes me feel a little awkward. And I'm not, when it comes to romantic gestures or those initial moments. Those first dates are always a little awkward, but I felt like this was on a different scale. He pointed it out last time, which I wasn't so happy about, because I felt like it put more pressure on me.. And he's so not awkward in any other way. I wish he were just cool with making a move, kissing me, whatever. I definitely wanted him to kiss me while we were at the park, and I'm sure he wanted to, but I wasn't going to make that move. So he didn't. ARGH. Frustrating. It would have been a nice first kiss place. But alas... it was not.

So, he drove me back to my house. It was getting late, almost 1 am, and the next day wasn't a teaching day (election day = no students) and this week is a short one, so I didn't really care about the time. I would've stayed out later. But there was no where to go, and he wasn't making any moves... so home it was. When we got back to my house, we sat in my driveway for quite some time. When I finally got sleepy and started yawning profusely, and was ready to go, he decides to make a move. What?? Ok, so he comes around to open my door for me in the car, which is very sweet, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I would have been very good at dating in the 1950s or whenever people did this all the time and it was expected. I was just sitting in his car, alone and it felt really awkward waiting for him to go around and open the door for me. So, he opens the door, and decides that a great moment to kiss me. When I'm just about ready to go to bed. I was a little surprised, since he had plenty of kissable moments throughout the date, and didn't take any of them (he did lick my sweater at one point... that's a strange story, and sounds SO weird out of context and really gross, but it was actually part of what we were talking about... I just can't remember why at this time) but chose to kiss me when he was dropping me off. It was good, the kissing, and it's only a little awkward that he's shorter than me (have I mentioned that before? Shorter, maybe 2 inches, than me is not really my type! but then again, neither are divorcees who live with their ex-wives.) But, he walked me to the door, kissed me some more, and that was the date.

I didn't feel a great spark when he kissed me. He wasn't a bad kisser and it was generally pleasant, but I wasn't totally enamoured by it. Maybe I was too tired, or anticipating it too much. I liked it, I just didn't get butterflies or feel super excited by it. I'm obviously not going to write it off, and we're going to go out tomorrow night and/or Friday (depending on how the Phils do tonight!!), but I'm hoping there's more electricity there next time. I want this work, but part of me might be looking for excuses for it not to work out. There's just so many reservations (or rather just ONE looming reservation), and I'm dreading that part.

Also, I got a shout out on the Nice Jewish Guys Facebook page! Maybe there will be new readers! Too bad all the Jdate dates were from 2006-07. Again, must resolve to date more Jews! (this guy who lives with his ex, not Jewish... but his ex wife is. probably doesn't count though.)

Seeking: NJB

Ever since I've been working as the youth group advisor for USY, people have been asking me if I'm doing it to meet an Nice Jewish Boy. Well, it's not the REASON I took the job, but I wouldn't be opposed, that's for sure. After countless disappointing years on and off Jdate, I kind of wrote off the whole Jewish guy thing. I'm not particularly religious, and wouldn't want to be with someone who kept kosher (me +bacon = goodness, also me + cheesesteak, and shellfish, and everything else that is not kosher) or went to synagogue all the time (not a fan), but someone who I didn't have to explain the rituals of having gefilte fish on Passover, and how it doesn't actually taste as bad as it looks, but I wouldn't hold it against them if they didn't eat it... I don't eat Matzoh Balls, so I lose some points there, I guess. But, ever since I've been resubmerged in the Jewish culture through the USY position, I've realized that it is something that is important to me, at least culturally. Judaism is hard because it's part religion and part culture. You can be culturally Jewish without being religious, and this is something I have a hard time balancing.

I'm a spiritual person. I believe in something greater than myself, and do think there are such things as fate & destiny (no eye rolling please... at least not to my face!) :) I would like to eventually marry someone who is Jewish, I think, and I think whenever I meet someone on match who is, that person becomes automatically more appealing to me regardless of whether or not I would be interested in them if they weren't Jewish. Not to mention my grandmothers like to put it on me that I'm their absolute last hope of a grandchild marrying someone who is Jewish. Nothing like good Jewish grandmother guilt! But regardless, it's always something I saw for myself, but I haven't been actually seeking that out in the guys I date.

Maybe it should be a new year's resolution, a little early, for 2010. Date more Jewish guys. And to help me get there... or if anyone is looking for a Hanukkah present for me, this calendar should suffice. Seriously people, the holidays are right around the corner! :)