Where I'm going.

A new design for the blog, both content and style.

I've been toying with the idea of abandoning the blog for a few weeks now. Things with the Gentleman are going well, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I don't think I have anything all that worthwhile to write about anymore. However, part of who I am inherently is a writer, I've always expressed myself best through writing, and I get a great satisfaction out of the written word. I've missed blogging (though I don't miss the bad dates that I would blog about) and always come back to it, even when I'm in a relationship. So instead of quitting, I'm just going to alter the content of the blog until I can figure out where this thing with the Gentleman is going.

I will tell you all though, the cutest story of how he asked me to be his girlfriend, officially. Now, I'll be honest, I've been referring to him as my boyfriend for at least 4 weeks prior to this conversation. I guess in my mind, when you're dating only one person, seeing them multiple times a week, communicating every single day, that person is in fact, your boyfriend - whether the DTR has happened or not. This past weekend, I had a dinner party of Friday at my house. I had my best friend and her husband over, along with my brother and his girlfriend. The Gentleman came over early, helped me in the kitchen (really just kept me company as I cooked), and just fit in seamlessly with my friends and family. He had met my friend and her husband before, but this was a more structured setting than hanging out in a the parking lot after getting some water ice! It was a fairly early evening, which I was grateful for, because I wanted to assure myself some alone time with the Gentleman before he left (we still have not done any overnights). After everyone went home, he graciously offered to help me with my dishes (which were a daunting task - took 2 days to get them done!) but I didn't want to spend precious time with him cleaning up. The dishes would be there tomorrow. As we're on the couch, making out, he stops and looks at me, and asks me if he can talk to me about something. He looked so serious, and sat up, pulling himself away from me. I got nervous because serious talks that need to be had sitting up are usually not the best sign. He starts off by mentioning the fact that we've been dating for 2 months now, how he enjoys spending time with me, and how he'd really like to see where this goes... so would I like to be his girlfriend? So. freaking. adorable. I responded that I thought I already was his girlfriend, and told him that I had been referring to him as my boyfriend for some time now, but of course I said yes.

I'm not going to lie. I like the title. I like knowing that he's my boyfriend. It settles my mind a bit that I know sort of where this thing is going. I feel a bit more relaxed and lot more confident in our relationship. Not that I ever really had great doubts about it, but while I am certain that he knows how I feel about him, he's a bit harder for me to read. It also ups the intimacy level a bit. Saturday we spent the day together - which we never get to do because he usually works during the day Saturday (except he just got a new job and will have a regular work schedule now, I'm so psyched!) but this past weekend he called out sick. We spent a really wonderful day together, and he came back over Sunday night after work. 3 days in a row is a new record. and I could get used to that. Sunday night I decided to up the ante a bit, and let him in on some things about me he didn't know. It was a risk, for sure, and I had no idea how he might respond. By far Sunday night was a sad night, not for anything bad, but we just talked a lot, the mood was much different than in night's past. He gave me the sweetest kiss goodbye, but my mind was already racing with the what-ifs. By the end of the day Monday, I had convinced myself that he wasn't going to want to date me anymore, and I started putting up my guard, downplaying the whole thing to other people.

If anything through this whole relationship I've learned is that I can't let a single crazy thought fester in my mind. It spirals out of control and before I know it, I'm creating self-fulfilling prophecies and the relationship is over. So, I decided to chill. He asked if I wanted to hang out on Tuesday, so we did. Last night was the same as it's always been, the connection was still there, the relationship is still growing. I was making mountains out of molehills, but thankfully this time I had enough sense to stop it, and take it as it comes.

So where do we go from here? One day at a time with the Gentleman is how I like it. I also like when he talks about doing things together in the near future, and sometimes in the distant future. It's enough to let me know that he has no eminent plans on breaking things off, but we're not naming our unborn children either. It's a healthy, steady pace. I remember the days of rushing things and jumping in head first, eyes closed, heart exposed. Those days were riddled with relationship angst. Worry. Wondering about my decisions and other people's actions. Not that this whole thing has been without the worry and wonder, but it's usually very minimal, and so far, 100% in my own head.

What will I blog about now that I'm "in a relationship" (although we didn't make it FB official - it still counts! His actually still says single... not that I stress about that!) There are plenty of ideas bouncing around my head that I can assure you it won't be long until you hear from me again.

Happy

6 weeks ago, I decided I was going to start dating the guys that I chose for myself. I was going to email a slew of guys on match and date only the ones that I had already pre-selected for myself instead of dating the guys who picked me first. But there was just this one guy that had winked at me, and well, I might not have picked him because he was younger than me, or he didn't mention in his profile that he liked some of the things I did, or whatever reason I was using to pick guys, I might have overlooked him (actually I KNOW I would have, because I never searched guys younger than me.) But since he winked at me, just before I set my rule into effect, I figured why not. I emailed him, and then, 6 weeks later, here I am, dating one of the greatest guys I've ever met. If I had been so picky as to not respond to his wink because he was too young or whatever stupid reason I was choosing at the time, I would not be where I am today. And where is that, you might ask, I've been rather absent lately in the blog. But it's not without reason. In the past, I've made the mistake of fixating on every single issue and detail with a relationship. Did he text me enough times? Why didn't he call? What does it mean when he says/does...? Enough already. I'm really very content to not over analyze anything that is going on with the Gentleman. He treats me well, we laugh, we kiss, we are making progress. It's healthy and I'm happy. What else could I ask for?

And the past week has been great. From last week's blog until now, we've seen each other multiple times. It's all pretty much the same. We hang out, I've met a few more of his friends, he met a couple of mine. My friends loved him, and he thought they were awesome. Because they are. He fits. We fit. and while we haven't had the DTR, and I wouldn't refer to him as my boyfriend in front of him... I have been casually referring to him as my boyfriend to others (I hope he doesn't mind.) After 6 weeks, we're still getting to know each other. He surprises me with how amazingly intuitive and aware of me he is.

This reminds me of a book that has been fairly controversial in the dating world. It's called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. When I first read the title, I shuttered, settling? Isn't that everything I've worked against? If I wanted to settle I would still be with Mr. P, or even yet, I'd be MARRIED to my ex that I lived with who had a crazy family. Why would I ever read a book that was going to tell me to settle?? But, I was at the library, and it was right there in front of me, so I picked it up. And it's not about settling for someone who isn't good enough for you (and Mr. P and the ex I lived with were not good enough!), it's about looking past these "rules" that have no bearing on whether the person you are with is good enough. It would be if I didn't date the Gentleman because he was 2 years younger than me. It would be if I hadn't dated Mr. Perfect because he didn't have a 4 year college degree. It would be if I didn't date my ex that I lived with because he was bald. None of these things have any bearing on how good our relationship was/could be. These are reasons why people choose (and I've been guilty of this before) to not date someone or even respond to an email, because we have these preconceived notions of what we should have in our relationships. I've had a lot of what I thought I should have. And I've had a lot of what I thought I shouldn't have. And when it comes down to it, the should haves and shouldn't haves didn't make a difference in the end. In the end it came down to just one simple thing - does this person make me happy? At the end of all my previous relationships - I can safely say that I was not happy in those relationships, whether they were 2 months long or 2 years long. There was a lack of balance in ALL of my failed relationships. My two longest relationships, Mr. P and the ex I lived with, both break-up conversations started with the exact same sentence "I don't think you're happy in this relationship." (One time I was saying it, the other time it was said to me. Both times were true.) So, when I look back at the guys I could've married, or the guys I've dated, I don't think I've missed out. I don't think I've been too picky and to be honest, I feel like I'm finally on the right track. I'm not saying that the Gentleman is the "one" or anything like that, but I am saying that I've learned from past mistakes, and if nothing else, he makes me happy.

Exit Strategy

There comes a time when you have to make a move. When something has to give. This weekend, unfortunately was NOT that time. The Gentleman and I are still going strong in the date and kiss goodnight area. Yes, the kissing goodnight lasts a great deal longer now than it did before, but I'm at the point where it needs to happen sooner. So I said something. Here's the story:

On Friday night, just a day after our nearly 12 hour date, we had plans to go see Iron Man 2 after I was done work. He had invited me on Wednesday, and had mentioned that we'd be going with his sister and brother-in-law as well. I was fairly nervous about meeting them, especially since he's told me that he's closest with this sister and I'm sure he values their opinion greatly. Not that I was worried about making a bad impression, but remember my previous experience with mothers and sisters isn't the best, and I do want them to like me. I'm pretty confident in my ability to make a good impression, but when it comes to families, I tend to be missing something crucial. I didn't want to mess this up so I definitely tried to grill my friend who knows his sister for some information, but all she could tell me was that they are the nicest couple and that I'll be fine. This didn't really ease my mind too much, but it turns out, she was completely right. We got to the theater after his brother-in-law and sister, and another couple (turns out it was a quadruple date, which was more than I bargained for!) were already waiting in line for seats. I was introduced around and I talked mostly to the Gentleman and his sister as we waited to go into the theater. Once we were in, and figured out the seating arrangements (at one point I was sitting in front of the Gentleman, in a girls in one row, boys in another weird seating arrangement, which just happened that way due to the way we walked into the rows, and that was quickly changed), I was sitting next to the Gentleman in the same row with his brother-in-law. My friend who knows him had mentioned that she thought I would get along really well him because we have very similar tastes in music and other things, and she was dead on. We talked about different beers we like, and music we're into, concerts we've seen/are going to see/want to see, and we did have a lot to talk about. He's going to see some concerts in the next few weeks that I've been really wanting to see, and he invited me to go along, with him and his wife. I think that might be a little weird at this point to go if the Gentleman doesn't go as well, but at the same time, I do really want to go...

The movie was ok, it was entertaining at least. And as we were leaving, I noticed the brother-in-law stop to talk to 2 guys at the end of the theater. Now, I should mention that the Gentleman and his brother-in-law both previously worked at the movie theater we went to and had been talking to people they knew all night - as we waited in line, walked into the theater, etc. I had said to the Gentleman that it was like being with a celebrity, since we could barely walk 10 feet without someone stopping him to say hi or give him a hug. So, I wasn't surprised when his brother-in-law stopped to talk to someone that he recognized on the way out of the theater, except I was surprised to see that I knew this person too... it was the guy who lives with his ex!! This really isn't a big deal, because I had run into him before (but I knew there was a chance I was going to see him when I went to the store where he worked), but we haven't really communicated at all in months. He didn't even notice me until we were all outside, trying to figure out what we were going to do next. He came over and gave me a hug, and we made small talk about the movie. And then he left with his friend. No big deal. I was worried that the Gentleman was going to ask me how I knew him, but he didn't. So, that ended up being a minor freak out on my part for no reason at all.

We went to the diner with the other 3 couples after the movie. It was a good time and I got to see him interact more with other people, which I think is a crucial part of getting to know someone. He still has yet to meet any of my friends, and I think that will be a good side of me for him to see soon. It was fairly late though, and I was fading fast. After no sleep on Wednesday night, and working a really long day on Friday, I was still fairly exhausted. We left the diner pretty close to 2:30, and he drove me home. Instead of just kissing me goodbye in the car, he walked me to my door (because he's a gentleman!!), and we proceeded to say goodbye for half an hour. It was late and he needed to get home, but we were having a hard time just saying goodnight and going. So I asked him what he was doing Saturday night after work, and he said he didn't have plans. So I invited him to come over after he was done working. I thought it was clear that the invitation was to continue where we were leaving off the night before, but maybe I should be clearer in my invitations.

We were texting throughout the day, and he mentioned that he couldn't stay all night, I knew what he meant. He meant there would not be a 3 hour goodbye like there was on Weds. I told him he should plan his exit strategy. This is something we've joked about before. When I'm in his car, the passenger door doesn't unlock automatically. So I have to sometimes unlock it myself, or wait for him. The first few times, I would wait for him to unlock it, until he told me that I could unlock it myself - not that I needed to, but if I wanted to. He wanted me to be able to get out in case of an emergency and it's good to know that I have an exit strategy if I need it. He's mentioned having an exit strategy before, in not parking behind me in my car, and with electrical fires (that's a long story). He's all about exit strategies, except for when it comes to leaving my house.

Saturday night, we met up for water ice at my favorite water ice place, I had built it up as being the best water ice he would ever have, so there was a lot of expectation there. Fortunately, he was a fan, because it is in fact the most delicious stuff ever made. We ate in my car because it was too cold and windy to eat outside, and we of course spent an hour talking in the car as well. We had two separate cars there because he came straight from work so we drove separately back to my place. Once there, we hung out on the couch, watched Betty White host SNL, and to my disappointment did not continue where we had left off the night before. As it was approaching 1:30, he mentioned that he needed to get home, so like the past few nights, this turned into a much longer goodnight than normal. And once we start kissing, I don't want him to leave, and I always end up fairly disappointed when he goes because I think face to face time (literally) is a crucial step to building a relationship that is going to be more than a friendship.

Since I think it's ridiculous and counter productive that we only kiss when it's time for him to go, I decided to say something... sort of. He always ends up staying longer than he wants to, but not wanting to leave, and I certainly don't make it easy for him to leave, so I told him that he needs to start saying goodbye as soon as he gets to my house. This way when he actually does need to go home, he can actually go (and we'll hopefully progress things along since it won't be right before he leaves). I may have mentioned this more than once during the hour we were "saying goodbye" last night. I also tried to get him to consider staying longer, unsuccessfully. I thought it was too dangerous with the wind and all for him to be driving home so late. Not really, but it sounded like a convincing argument. He left around 2:30, and I'll be seeing him again sometime this week.

Despite the stagnancy of the physical aspect, there is definitely progress in the relationship. The more I get to know the Gentleman, the more I like him. And every time we hang out, I learn something new or interesting about him. I'm sure this is a pretty stable way for things to progress, albeit slow. Yesterday was one month since our first date. This is the longest I've ever in my life dated someone and done nothing more than kiss. I'm sure that doesn't say much for me in the past, but it's somewhat refreshing for the present.

The Longest Kiss Goodnight.

At first it seemed as if this date was going to be yet another same story, different date situation. Of course, this would not have been a problem, because I've come to terms that things will happen with the Gentleman the way that it's supposed to happen. After our date last week, we had texted back and forth all week/weekend. By Sunday, we still hadn't made plans to see each other during the week, and I wasn't going to stress it like I did the previous week. I sent him a text, asking him what he was up to this coming week, and he responded, "Hanging out with you of course..." which led us to make plans for this week, Wednesday night.

We went to dinner at a bar, and then for water ice right by my school afterwards. I need to get used to being near my work during non-work hours, and not convince myself that I will run into a student every single time! I didn't. Thankfully. We sat in his car for a while, talking, then drove back to my house. Once at my house, we sat on the couch and talked for a few hours. Played some bananagrams. And then he was going to leave. Yes, another night where we had a great time and had a lot of fun, but there was no physical action. At 2 AM, we stood awkwardly by each other for a few minutes until finally he leaned in to kiss me goodnight. And we didn't stop kissing about for 3 hours. We moved from the dining room, the couch, the kitchen, and finally the door. And it was a very long goodnight kiss. So I'm blogging this at 5:45, because there's really no point in going to sleep for less than an hour.

I think he planned to take things to the next level this date... for a few reasons. First off, when he made the plans for Wednesday, he suggested going to dinner then coming back to my house. Good sign. Then, when he got to my house, he emptied his pockets. This is something I'm used to guys doing, because it's fairly common practice before you make-out, you don't want your stuff falling all over the place, out of pockets, etc. So that was a good sign, and he definitely sat more openly towards me on the couch. But there was no moves made until just before he was about to leave (or at least that's what he said...) but he hadn't gotten his things back in his pockets yet, and hadn't made any attempt to leave.

He was a complete gentleman the whole time, and while we may be taking it up to a PG-13 level, it's definitely still very slow. While we were playing banagrams earlier in the night, he was taking his time putting his words together (which means he lost) and I was helping him use all his letters by the end of the game, he made a comment about how slow and steady wins the game (which it didn't in this case), and I responded by saying that I had been saying that a lot lately. He also made a comment earlier about how he's a very patient guy. I'm not anticipating this picking up a whole lot of speed in the near future, but it's great to know that things are moving forward, and he's definitely interested.

He invited me to the movies with his sister and brother-in-law for tomorrow night. I'm pretty excited and nervous at the same time. He also mentioned something that I should do with him, which wouldn't until be late summer. It makes me smile that he's clearly thinking I'll be around still then, and planning for me to be a part of things.

The Gentleman

I am starting to feel a bit like a broken record after these dates... the dates are good, great even. I am having a really good time getting to know this guy, the dates are long and very entertaining. I smile a lot while I'm on these dates, and even more when I'm telling people about them. And it's my own fault for stressing the physical part so much, because it seems like the first thing anyone asks me is about the progress in that area, which I'm no longer sorry to say is still staying slow and steady. It's strange that I've grown to appreciate the end of the date because I know what to expect then. I don't just enjoy the end, but it's definitely something I look forward to! If nothing else, this guy has shown me the value of slowing things down.

We went out on Thursday night after a week of communicating solely through text messages. I have mixed feelings about texting. It's a great way to communicate quickly and effectively, but it always makes me second guess things, and I can spend way too much time analyzing and agonizing over texts that I'm sending or receiving. But, from Thursday of last week until Thursday this past week, we only communicated through texts. And we "talked" everyday, which is a good sign, I know. But of course I'm still highly aware of who texts who first/last/the most, and I know I need to get over, and I'm definitely working on it. He didn't ask to see me until Monday night, and I was getting nervous about how to bring up the topic of hanging out again if he didn't, but thankfully he did. So we planned to go mini-golfing on Thursday night, since it was going to be such a nice night.

Thursday night, he came and picked me up at my house. One thing I love is that he always comes to the door, even if he's not coming in. This isn't something that many guys I've dated before have done, and I think it's so sweet. He's definitely a gentleman (maybe that could be his blog name - the gentleman?? I'll test it out!) and does the little things that when someone doesn't do it, you might not notice or care, but when it is done, it's such a difference! So he picked me up at the door, and I think if I want to breech the physical contact before the end of the date, the beginning of the date is where I should start. I should have given him a hug or something... but I didn't. There's something about his nervousness that makes me nervous and I'm constantly second guessing things that would come as second nature to me. We played mini-golf, and I'm a terrible mini-golfer apparently. He's not much better, but we had a great time regardless of how bad we were doing. We didn't even keep score, thankfully, because I might actually be embarrassed if I knew how badly I actually did. After mini-golf we decided to get some dinner, and drove over to a small Italian restaurant across the street, which of course we stayed at until it was closing and we were the last ones there (we have a habit of doing this...), but it was the same good conversation, with lots of good questions and laughing and I feel like I'm really getting to know him before anything else gets in the way. What a concept. He asked what I wanted to do after we closed out the restaurant, and I invited him back to my house. It was fairly early, but still a school night for me, so I wasn't planning on staying up too late. 4 hours later, when all we've done is talk on my couch and it's nearing 3am, he decided it was probably time to go home. So, we kissed for a few minutes before he left and that's all. Really, it's the same story of every other date with just different activities leading up to the kiss goodnight. The whole date really was great, but if I had to pick a part that I wish would last a bit longer than it does, that would be it. Also, the other areas of the date were fairly long (an 8 hour date - with only 5 minutes of kissing!)

We did have more physical contact while he was at my house. At one point, we were talking about Tarot cards and palm readings for some reason, and he mentioned how he had his palm read once, and he was trying to explain what he remembered from that and of course he had to hold my hand to read my palm, that's a step in the right direction. Also, my dog was acting a bit crazy and jumping all over him, so I had to lean across him and try to get the dog to stop jumping on him... more accidental contact like that... but nothing concrete or intentional. It will happen, I'm sure, I'm just not sure HOW it will happen. Everyone has their ideas and suggestions, and trust me they all run through my mind while I'm in the situation to make it happen, it just doesn't feel natural, and I get nervous, so maybe I shouldn't force it. I do enjoy spending all this time with him, without the physical aspect clouding my opinions of him. I feel like I convince myself I like a lot of guys that I wouldn't normally because it's physically appealing. Keeping it slow and steady definitely eliminates that possibility, and everything I like about this guy is because he is truly someone that I am connecting with on every other level, the physical will happen in good time. He hasn't given me any reason to believe that he's anything but interested in continuing this, so I am willing let go of my own expectations of what "should" be happening by this point in the relationship, and just go with the flow.

The best part.

I have criticized guys I've dated before for being "fast and furious" in the relationship department before. I have mentioned how fast things have moved before I actually wanted them too, or how I wish I could slow things down. Even when Google and I broke up he said that he wondered what would have happened if we had slowed down getting to know each other, and didn't rush into anything. I should be SO grateful right now that I'm dating a guy who wants to take things slow. And is in NO rush to make things physical right away. This is a good thing, I know. I'm enjoying all the time we've been spending together so far. To be honest, we've spent a good amount of time together, we've only been dating for 2 weeks and have had 5 really good dates so far.

This one is different. I don't know what it is, but there is something completely different about the way I am dating this guy. First of all, I'm relatively calm about it all. With the occasional crazy moment aside, I'm doing this however it feels right. Last night I invited him to come over to my house to watch a movie and have some pizza. There were total ulterior motives on my part. I wanted to make this move a little faster, and take the "getting to know you" up a notch. As you may remember with Google, I didn't invite him over to my house for weeks and weeks. I didn't want to wait that long with this one, nor did I see the necessity of waiting for him to plan a night that would put us in a more intimate setting. So, 2 weeks in, I invited him to my house. He got to my house around 8ish, and after me being super self-conscious about everything and apologizing for everything in my house (from my lack of food to my hyper-aggressive dog), he basically told me to stop apologizing for my house/dog/lack of whatever... he didn't care, and it wasn't why he was there - to judge my house. I don't know why I get so crazy self-conscious. My house was clean, it wasn't messy at all. I should have been a bit more confident. We ordered pizza, and I have to say, I'm very impressed that he's trying foods that he has never tried before. When we talked about food on our 3rd date he called himself a dull eater, but on the past 3 dates, he's tried something new every time. We ordered pizza with eggplant on it (which is breaded and fried - so it's not healthy at all!), and at first he was anti-eggplant, since he had never tried it before. I was fine with whatever he wanted to order, I'm really not picky at all when it comes to food. And I didn't want him to get stuck with something he didn't like. But he insisted that we order pizza with eggplant since it's my favorite. We had dinner, some beers, and just sat around and talked for 2 hours. At ten, I suggested putting the movie, and he had me pick from the 6 movies he brought over. I picked the one that he had mentioned was his most recent favorite, since I had never seen it, and it had an interesting sci-fi premise. If I really wanted to make it a better situation for something physical to go down, I should have picked a movie I had already seen and, at the very least, a comedy. But we watched this movie, which was ok, I didn't love it. We watched the WHOLE movie, with little to no physical contact throughout. By the end of the movie we were sitting close enough that we were touching, but not in an intentional way. We stayed on the couch and let the dvd menu loop over and over while we talked for another 3 hours. Yup, just talked. He asked me some interesting questions about my past relationships (he asked if Mr. P had ever lived with me in my house) and if I thought I wanted kids. That one caught me WAY off guard. I stammered and stumbled, and said I didn't know, which is true. I am on the fence about kids. I think eventually I will have one or two, but for now, I can't imagine it because I'm not in that stage of my life. I wonder if he thinks because I'm older, I'm on a different timeline than he is, and wants to get these "crucial" questions out of the way early on! I felt kind of put on the spot, but he basically said the same thing as me, he's on the fence when it comes to kids too. Interesting question for a 5th date when we haven't even kissed so far that night.

So, by 3 am, he had been at my house for 7 hours, and I was practically falling asleep. I had to be up in 3 hours or so for work, and have a youth group convention ALL weekend. It was not the best idea to start this weekend on a sleep deficit. He gets his things to leave, I get him his jacket, and he gets his movies, and it's just... well... awkward for lack of a better term. At this point we had hung out for so long without any real contact, how was this going to end? I walked him to my door, and then out the door he stops on my porch and turns to me. I went outside still not sure how we were going to part, and he says, "wow, I'm so awkward." Which, maybe he is when it comes to making a move, but it's kind of endearing. And then we kissed goodbye, it was a long and lingering kiss, like all the ones before. It feels like it's getting more intimate with the kissing, I just wish it would happen a bit sooner in the date. I like kissing him, and wouldn't mind doing a bit more of it. For all the socially awkward guys I've dated before, and let's be honest, there have been a SLEW of them, this guy is the LEAST socially awkward. But when it comes to being able to make a move, he takes the cake.

I think this is going to have to be my move. Clearly inviting him over for dinner and a movie wasn't enough of a gesture to let him know that I want more than just a kiss goodnight. Besides this one thing, it's pretty amazing. We have a good time together, can talk for hours, laughter comes easy. Why do I want to rush it? I should take this slow and steady and recognize something good when I have it. Getting to know someone you like is the best part of the beginning and moving too fast has only messed things up in the past, taking things slow may just be the change I need.

That's what she said.

I'm home from the 4th date, it's barely past 1 am, and while I know that's fairly late for a date... I had higher hopes for it lasting longer. As far as time spent on this date, this was by far the shortest date I've had with this guy - 3 hours to be exact. I'm not trying to focus on what didn't happen, because overall it was a really good, fun date. I was just hoping at this point to maybe kick it up a notch.

After our fantastic 3rd date, we had talked about hanging out over the weekend. By Friday, when we still didn't have plans (despite texting back and forth on Thursday), I was wondering what our plans would actually be, but I didn't want to press. Eventually, I did text him, to see what he was thinking regarding plans, and he texted me back almost immediately with Saturday night when he got done work, and then he came up with bowling. Originally, we were going to go to the bowling alley that was really close to my school, and I was worried about running into students there. But I let him make the plans, it would seem silly if I asked him to change them just because I didn't want to run into people I knew. So we agreed that we'd meet there at 9:30ish. It was the first time that he didn't offer to come pick me up at my house first, and that was noted, as much as I wish it weren't, any change in behavior is something I'm usually quick to pick up on. He sends me a text mid day today (Saturday), telling me that his best friend works security at the bowling alley, and if I want to, I could meet him. Hmm... that was weird, would I really say no to meeting his friend? It just made me really nervous, I almost wish he hadn't let me know ahead of time.

I got to the bowling alley before he did, and waited outside for him. He showed up just a few minutes after me, and we headed in. It was packed due to some parties, and it was going to be almost an hour wait for a lane. Instead of waiting, he introduced me to his friend, and then we decided that we'd go elsewhere to bowl for the night. I chose a bowling alley that's a little bit further away, and definitely way trendier when it comes to bowling alleys. We decided to take one car, and instead of leaving my car in the seedy bowling alley parking lot, we drove over to his work, and left my car in the parking lot there. From there, we drove over to the bowling alley in his car, which made me feel better about the whole one car versus two from earlier. Silly, I know.

We get to the bowling alley, get our lanes, and no sooner do we sit down and start putting on our shoes, do I notice some people in the lanes next to us who look familiar to me. It's not until I see my aunt that I realize that it's my uncle's 50th birthday party going on, right next to me. Well, if I was nervous about meeting this guy's best friend, at least he didn't throw me in the midst of a family member's birthday party. Of course, I go over and give my aunt a hug and say hello, and wish my uncle a happy birthday. It was slightly awkward. Ok, if I were my date, I'd probably be WAY uncomfortable, but he handled it like a champ. We bowled 3 games, and my only problem with bowling as a date with just 2 people, is it's hard to have any kind of consistent conversation. We managed fairly well, I think. There was good banter, some playful teasing, and lots of "that's what she said" moments. I think bowling just calls for it. There's too much that can be taken out of context in a bowling alley that is borderline questionable. It was fun, he beat me 2 out of 3 games, despite his claims that he's a terrible bowler. It's possible that I'm just a horrific bowler, but I broke 100 on 2 of those games (came damn close with a 99 the other game). It was a lot of fun, and he even branched out and tried some new food again, this time it was hummus. And he liked it. Wooohoo for food adventurousness.

He drove me back to my car after the bowling alley, we chatted about music mostly. When we got back to my car, it was a fairly awkward goodbye still. There was no mention of hanging out again, but then he kissed me when I was leaving. And we kissed for a few minutes in his car, then...I left. No "let's do this again soon" comments. So this leaves me to wonder if I misread any of the signals, if he's not interested in seeing me again, or if I'm just totally overreacting here. My guess is I'm overreacting, because besides him actually saying he wants to see me again - all signs point to yes, we'll probably do this again. I would like though the next time we hang out to be a bit more intimate, maybe I'll invite him over to my place to watch a movie or something. Something where it does not have to be a car/awkward goodbye, and maybe we can amp up the physical connection before the moment I'm leaving for the night. Everything else about this seems to be going exactly as it should. I'm not sure why it has to be so hard. (That's what she said.)

Start of Something Good.

3 dates in less than a week. I think the last time I had this many dates with a guy at the beginning was when I first started dating Mr. P. This is a good sign, and I'm clear on the fact that he's interested in me for sure. Last night was our 3rd date, and I'm very proud of myself that I did not sacrifice going to spin class to go on the date earlier. It was tempting, yes. But it was the last 90 minute spin class I can go to for a few weeks, so I really wanted to make sure I was there. He was off of work all day yesterday, and normally, I would have canceled going to spin so that I could see him earlier. But I need to not give up things I want to do to go on dates - this has never worked well for me in the past - so I told him I could hang out after 8.

On our previous date, we talked about the movie Hot Tub Time Machine and how we both wanted to see it. So, it made sense that we'd go see that, but that meant going to a late movie, on a school night for me. He offered to do another night, but I was fine with a late night. He didn't have to work the next day either (he's off weds-friday) so we stuck with the original plan of Weds night. He came over to pick me up around 8ish, and since the movie wasn't until 10:30, we decided to get some food first. We went to dinner at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants that's in the town that he lives in, yet has never been there, it was a necessity! In terms of food adventurousness, he's not. I am. Although he shared food well, which is a plus, and he was willing to try what I ordered, even though it was a bit more adventurous than what he ordered. We continue to have great conversations, lots of laughs, and just enough chemistry to keep it flirtatious. After dinner we headed over to the movie theater, where we were basically the only people there. My favorite part of the night was in between dinner and the movie. We were in his car, talking and listening to music. At one point, he turned up a song that was on, and mentioned that it was his favorite part of the song. It's a song I've heard before, but never really listened to all that well. But listening to it, through someone else's recommendation always makes me a little more susceptible to hearing it differently. I'm not sure why I liked that moment so much - something about him, sharing a part of a song that he really liked was just a nice connection. There were other moments in the car that were up there later on, but for some reason that was my favorite.

The movie was fun, with lots of laughter, and very enjoyable. If you haven't seen it - you should.

After the movie, he drove me back home. It was fairly late, and of course I was thinking about work in the morning. At my house, we were sitting in his car, saying goodnight. I wasn't sure how to do the awkward car goodbyes. He starts by saying how much he's enjoying spending time with me, and how I make him laugh (yay!) and that even though he hasn't dated much recently - he's really enjoying this - and asks if he can see me again. Of course. Yes. And then he kisses me. It was a great end to the date.

Things are going well. We're going to go out again this weekend. It's the beginning of... something. Not sure what, but hopefully the start of something good! I'm of course hesitant because of how things turned out after such a strong start and quick fizzle with Google, but I refuse to let someone else's baggage affect something good in my life. I'm going to stay hopeful, and keep enjoying this one day at a time.

Good Stuff.

I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't been really looking forward to last night's date. A lot. I had a lot of fun things planned for this weekend, but I was MOST looking forward to Sunday night, at 9:30... that's a rare thing. Sunday nights are dreaded times, as the weekend comes to an end and the work week starts. But last night couldn't come soon enough! I had a lot packed into this weekend, work, a game night at my house which required lots of cooking and cleaning on my part, & youth group stuff. Throughout all of this, I probably averaged about 4 hours of sleep a night starting Thursday night through last night.

I was obviously very interested in this guy after our first date, and wanted to see him again. My friends made sure I knew NOT to text/email him first, I'm going to play this one by the rules, no matter how much I want to otherwise. Friday, I was tempted to text him, but I didn't. Around 2:30, I was in my friend's classroom, in the midst of telling her the date story, and he sent me a text. There was much squealing and giggling as we texted back and forth, setting up a date for this Sunday night. He works until 9:30, Saturday - Tuesday, so we decided on Sunday night, later, at the bar that is very close to my house (close enough that I walked there!)

So Sunday night 9:30 finally rolls around, and I was really tired, but excited at the same time. I headed over to the bar, and he was driving up just as I was getting there. I don't remember if we hugged or not, or if we just walked into the bar... the beginning of the date is kind of fuzzy in my mind. I'm not sure if it was because I was tired or because I cared more this time, but I felt like I wasn't being as good of a conversationalist. But we ended up staying there for a good 3 and a half hours, talking. So it couldn't have been so bad. By 1:15, I knew I had to get home as it was a school night, and it wasn't a good idea already to start the work week on a sleep deficit. So, as we're leaving, he asks if he can walk me home. Seriously!! He ASKED if he could walk me home. It was so sweet. Of course, it was late, and not that I live that far, but it was such a simple, yet sweet, gesture. If I hadn't already liked him, I would have after that. So he walks me home, and gives me a slightly awkward kiss good night (what first kiss isn't??), but it was interrupted by my dog barking at us through the window. I started laughing, and he asked me if I was laughing at him or the dog. I assured him that it was the dog, and definitely NOT him. He asked me what my plans were for the week, and when I'd be free to hang out again. I mentioned being free on Friday. He asked if I was free anytime before then, during the week. We have plans for a 3rd date on Wednesday night. And I'm looking forward to it just as much as the 2nd.

Right now, I'm doing my best to not project. Or set expectations. I wish I could say I'm not getting my hopes up, but they are. There's more good stuff to come, hopefully.

Kick-Ass.

Once upon a time, there was a boy with whom I was very much infatuated. This lasted me on and off throughout college, post-college, and into the beginning of my New York days. I look for parts of him in all the guys I date, and when I compare guys to anyone, it's usually this one. So, tonight, when I found his almost exact counterpart on a very surprising date - I was all the more pleased and very very happy about it.

Tonight's date was going to be the last of my "they chose me" dates before my social dating experiment for the month of April. This guy winked at me on match - which to me says, I like your profile, but maybe not enough to send the first email, it's kind of passive. But it's a safe way of putting yourself out there without a whole lot of rejection if the other doesn't respond. I'm over being a passive dater. Normally, I'd just wink back, but I liked what I read, so I emailed him. We exchanged some emails, had a 2 hour long phone conversation, and scheduled our first date for tonight. I don't normally do dinner and a movie for a first date. I don't necessarily believe it really allows you to get to know another person, and while it can provide a good outlet should you need a break from an awkward date, I don't usually do it. It's not even part of my dating repertoire. However, tonight was the only night we both had free for this date, and I had these free passes to a screening of the movie "Kick-Ass," so I offered the movie as an option, but would have been fine if we had ended up doing something else. We decided to meet for dinner before hand, and then go see the movie. It's not that I wasn't looking forward to the date, I just haven't had the best luck these days on my dates, and I didn't know if I could handle another disappointing date. So I went into it with no expectations - and well, it turned out so much better than I could have even imagined.

We met up around 6 for dinner. Like our conversation on the phone, it was quick and natural from the get-go. There was a lot of conversation, and hardly a dull moment. I can't remember being at a loss of words, and he was engaging and funny, and before you knew it - an hour and a half had passed. We decided to take one car over to the movie theater (even though we could have just walked) and he drove us over. The movie was fun and light, and not a bad date movie, even for a first date. It wasn't awkward like I thought it might be, and there was no physical contact. After the movie, he asked if I wanted to go home or do something else - like get some coffee. I opted for the coffee option (this is why I'm up blogging at 2:30 on a school night!) and we headed over to the diner. I had coffee and carrot cake, he had some apple pie, and we ended up closing the diner, talking more. It felt like time was moving very fast. He drove me back over to the restaurant where my car was from earlier. We ended up spending another half an hour or more in his car, just talking about everything from music to old tv shows. We talked about doing something again, and we parted, still without any physical contact, but I left feeling pretty good about the date.

5 and a half hours (2 of which were spent in a movie - so 3.5 hours of actually dating time) is a pretty substantial first date. I like just about everything I know about this guy. He lives in the town where I work, he knows some of the same people I know. He is smart, and funny, and exactly my kind of cute. I'm not projecting, and I don't want to get my hopes up, but I would definitely be interested in seeing where this could go.

My Terms

A few weeks ago, when the phone guy bailed on our date to go drinking in NYC, my friend told me that I had to deal with the situation on my terms. I read her comment, and I thought to myself, you know, I don't really know what my terms are. When it comes to my life outside of dating, I know what I will and what I won't do, I know my limits, and I know how to make things happen for myself. I'm not afraid to put myself out there job-wise, socially, academically. I live my life on my own terms, except when it comes to dating. There are obviously times when I get pushed to my limit, and there are definitely things I don't like... but when I tend to like a guy, regardless of what I know is best, I tend to bend my terms to suit what I think the other person wants.

I'm trying something new, dating on my terms. I'm going to pick the guys I date, not the other way around. I'm going to make my terms in a relationship a priority, and not settle for anything less than what I want. This also inspired the jdate blog contest entry, which I will post, but not until after the contest is over... as per their rules, not mine. Here is the basic gist of what I wrote about:

I have two friends who have met their now (and soon to be) husbands online and who have both given me the same advice, time and time again when it comes to online dating. Date only the men that you pick, and that way you already know you like them. I've been told this now for at least a year. And it's good advice, I know that. But I haven't done anything about it yet.
I know my biggest fear is being rejected. And sure it stings a bit when you send someone an email and they don't write back, but it stings a hell of a lot more when you date the wrong guy for months/year, and realize that he was all wrong. Rejection online is nothing personal, the person you're emailing knows very little about you. When you are out with friends, you meet people and you might get to know them or you might not, you may give them your number and they might never call. (This is not so different than sending an email and getting no response!) If I email 15 guys and only 5 write me back, sure I got rejected 10 times, but I also have 5 potential dates lined up, which if you ask me, is better than waiting around for 5 guys who might be what you want to email you. It's pretty passive the way I've been dating, it's time to take some action!

That's pretty much the gist of what I wrote about for the contest. And more than that, it's my newest dating challenge. Starting tomorrow (eeks!) I'm going to email anywhere from 5-10 guys a week on match (I only have 4 weeks left, unless I want to pay again.) and see what my return rate is. I think this will be an interesting social experiment that I'm willing to take on. I need to move forward, this is the best time to make something happen, on my terms.

Some of my terms:
College educated (preferred), creative, interested in music/biking/photography/cooking or any of my other new found loves. Likes to travel. Not severely depressed (oh wait, people don't put that in their profiles, do they??) Wants kids. Has friends. Likes dogs.

These aren't set in stone, obviously. But it should be fun to see what I can yield. In all of my years of dating online, I've only ever dated guys who emailed/contacted me first, as the Smiths say better than I can, good times for a change.

"Good times for a change
See, the luck I’ve had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me get what I want
This time

Lord knows, it would be the first time."

Topeka!

For those of you who didn't see Google's (the company!) April Fool's switch, they changed their company logo for the day to "Topeka" and ran a whole story about how they were changing their name to Topeka, since the city in Kansas (coincidence??) offered to change their name to Google. It was cute, and I used it in my class as an April Fool's joke that their Doodle4Google contest entries had all been disqualified because they didn't say "Topeka."

So, this is a blog about Google, not the company, and not the city in Kansas, and unfortunately, it's not a joke.

When you live in a city of millions of people, you don't ever expect to run into anyone that you know unexpectedly. When I lived in Brooklyn, I always thought I would run into someone I had dated, on the subway, on the street, wherever. I lived a block away from my ex-boyfriend for months and not once did I run into him unexpectedly. NOT ONCE. I would pass his house daily on my walk home, and I never once saw him without it being my choice.

So I move to a smaller city (actually, I'm outside the city, but that's neither here nor there), and I expect the same rules to apply. I won't run into anyone unexpectedly, because the odds of that happening are stacked pretty high. And before last night, I had never run into anyone that I've dated before, with the exception of that one time I ran into my HS ex while I was dating Mr. Perfect. I always envision these things going a certain way in my mind. And it always has me being cool and calm and confident. Of course, because I am these things, when I haven't been drinking for 5 hours at 5 different bars...

Last night was the Philadelphia Bunny Hop bar crawl, this includes about 12 different bars in the Fairmount area. My co-worker mentioned it, and my first thought was, Oh well that's where Google lives, I probably shouldn't go. But then I thought about all the times I have been out and haven't run into anyone and there were a TON of people going to this thing (even Steve Ward from Tough Love was there!) So, I went. And my friends and I had an incredible time, although it solidified why I hate meeting people in bars. At one bar, some guy grabbed my ass and told me I was too innocent. Uch. Seriously, skeevy. And who does that work on?? I'll stick to emails for now, thank you very much. But we drank and drank, and wandered up and down Fairmount to 4 different bars. By the end of the night our crowd had dwindled to just 3 of us, and one was very drunk. We opted to go to a smaller, less crowded bar off of the main stretch of Fairmount, because we'd be able to sit and get our friend some food! So we head over to Lucky 7's. I knew ahead of time that Google occasionally went to this bar, but he also frequented about half of the bars on the list (we were between that one and the Belgian, and for some reason I thought he'd be more likely to be at the Belgian.. it's closer to his house), and by this point it was after midnight. I didn't expect if he was out at any given point during the night, he'd still be.

We get to the bar, and like I expected, it was much less crowded, and as we're walking past the windows to the door, I see him. I saw him before we even walked into the bar. My one friend had convinced me earlier that if I did see Google over the course of the night, it was for some reason. Unfortunately, it wasn't to show him how cool and calm and confident I've become since we've broken up. At this point, we either had to go to this bar (it was so far from all the others, we were not going to be able to walk back to the other smaller bars) or go home. We went into the bar. Now, over the course of the night I had adopted my friend's bunny ears. A lot of people were wearing ears, so this wasn't a big deal, but the ones I was wearing lit up and were green and sparkly. They drew A LOT of attention all night. Every bar we went to, they got comments along the lines of "Those are the best and biggest pair I've seen all night" with a wink and smiles and double entendre glances towards my breasts. (Another reason why I hate meeting people at bars.) So, I knew walking into the bar, we'd be noticed. And we were, but maybe not right away by Google. This is not a situation I should be in while I am drunk. I can manage friendly conversations while I am not wasted, but I had never been in this situation so I didn't know what to do. I was trying hard not to be noticed, but at the same time, I wanted him to know that I was there. Catch-22. At some point, someone in his group noticed me and it turned into a very high-school-ish situation. I knew they were talking about me, and I'm sure he knew I had seen him and was trying very hard not to make look like I had not. A guy who had been standing with Google's group of friends (I knew about half of the people he was there with - neighbors, new year's, etc.) but this guy I didn't recognize and hadn't met him before. He was waiting for the bathroom and started talking to me and my friends in the meantime. He made no indication that he knew who I was, so that was good. Another friend of Google's comes over not long after that, and goes to open the bathroom door, but there was someone in there. I told him that there was someone in there, and the guy gave me a weird look. It was unnerving because I didn't really remember meeting this guy, but he looked familiar. I knew he was with Google's group of friends, so I figured I had just seen pictures of him. I gave him a weird look back and he said, yes, you know me. You're E____, my friend's ex-girlfriend. I knew that he knew who I was, but I still wasn't giving him any confirmation that I knew who he was. So he goes on, you know, you dated Google, we met at his house. At this point I give some sort of acknowledgment, and confirm that I remembered him now, from the night of the Super Bowl. He goes on to say that he'd give me a hug, but that would be weird since I'm his friend's ex and all. That's weird. Why would he hug me? I met him all of one time for about 20 minutes while we watched the end of a tv show, on the last night that Google and I were actually dating (the last good date before all the snow came and changed things!). I didn't know how to respond to that, so it was a good thing that the bathroom opened up at that point and he went in. When he came out, I watched as he went over and talked to Google, very obviously about me. I was considering at this point if I should just go over and talk to him. This was silly, we both knew the other one was there, and we're both adults. There's no reason why we can't have a civil conversation. Except, when I looked back to gauge if it was a good time to go over and say hi, Google was at the table MAKING OUT WITH A GIRL. It was like being slapped in the face. Seriously, a guy who could not show affection towards me in front of his friends EVER was making out with someone at a bar. It stung, and I turned away very quickly before any of them could see me cry. I did cry with my back turned but I'm sure some of them noticed. I was drunk, and my emotions were running a bit rampant. Tears were my instinctual response. I wish I could have been bold and walked out, or even crazy and threw my drink on him, or something other than just deeply hurt. I don't care who you are, or what you've done to me, if my ex-boyfriend was at the same bar as me, randomly, and I knew that, I would NEVER make out with someone in front of him. I think it's just hurtful, and mean. He knew that would hurt me. I don't think he was thinking about it, he was probably thinking about getting laid, but still, it doesn't change the situation.

I don't know if he's dating the girl, or if it was a friend of one of his friends (she was sitting with their group, but he wasn't talking to her at all until long after I was there - which is much more typical of how Google treats girls he dates, at least towards me.) but he left with her. As he was leaving (I was not looking over there - my friends told me this after he left), he apparently tried to leave out the side door, I guess so he wouldn't have to walk past me. As he's walking out the door, my friends are yelling names at him, which I wouldn't have done, I would have rather just let it be. But he was gone, with a girl, and some of his neighbors and friends were still there. And I could feel them watching me, but at this point, what could I do. I wasn't going to have a big reaction. There's nothing to do.

When we left the bar, nearing 2 AM, I immediately deleted his phone number out of my phone. And I need to put Google behind me. I don't even think I could be friends with someone who would do that to a person that claim they care about. He was the one who has repeatedly said we should be friends. But I can't figure out for the life of me at this point how that could ever work.

4 hours of my life

I'm pretty sure that when I leave a date and I calculate the amount of time I've spent on the date that I'll never get back in my life, it's not a good sign.

So I had been communicating with this guy for a long time, maybe 3 weeks. And we had exchanged long, detailed emails, very reminiscent of the emails I exchanged with the guy who lived with his ex, except without the humor. I was hoping for the same connection with this guy like I had with the guy who lived with his ex, because of all the guys I've dated this year, he was the one I had the best personal connection with, conversationally at least. So, since this was reminding me of those early emails, I was hoping that our first date was going to be just a good. Unfortunately not.

We met up at the Iron Hill Brewery, which I had been to on a few dates previously this year (Phillies writer & the Bad Kisser), and it reminds me slightly of Google as well... but that's another story for another time. Anyway, we agreed to meet inside, and he was there before me. When I walked in, I recognized him and walked over to him. He says, "hey, I know you!" I guess as a friendly greeting, but no... not really, he doesn't. And he gives me a great hug and kiss on the cheek. It was very friendly and affectionate. It made me slightly uncomfortable, and I could tell he was nervous, so that made it even weirder! So I asked if he wanted to get a table or sit at the bar, and he said a table, so I thought he meant a table in the restaurant. So we stood around for a little bit, I thought maybe he had already put his name in, and we were just waiting. And after about 2 minutes of small talk, he says, so let's go get that table. Um.. ok, and we end up sitting at one of the high top tables at the bar. To me, that's sitting at the bar... but ok. I'm not going to say anything, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference. What does make a difference is that every single time I start telling a story, or say ANYTHING, this guy not only interrupts me, but starts telling a story that I can tell he thinks is related, but has completely nothing to do with what I was talking about. Maybe if he'd let me finish one of my thoughts, he'd see that. But probably not.

We have dinner, and drinks, and the time is passing just fine. Until about an hour and a half into the date. First I think I have something in my hair. He keeps looking at my hair/shoulder instead of making eye contact. It was so bizarre. He continued to do that for the duration of the date, and it was making me self conscious. I don't think I had anything in my hair, and if I did, he should mention it, not stare at it and make me uncomfortable! At that point, I'm just done. I was tired from a long work weekend, and the date started to feel like work itself. That is NOT a good sign. At some point, I'm not sure when, he started talking about past relationships, and bad dates that he's been on. And asked me about some of mine. I know the rules of dating, and if you want something to work out, you DON'T bring up past dates during a date... but I have no intention of making this work, so I'm game. And to be honest, this is the only question I think he asked me all night. No joke, the rest was just him talking about himself... The. Entire. Night. So, I tell him the makeup story (first blog ever!) and the Christmas Eve bowling story, but of course I don't even get through the whole story of that one because he has his own story that is completely unrelated.

After 4 hours of sitting and basically just listening to this guy talk, I was done. I don't even think I made a reference to the time, I just stood up and announced that I had to go. It was rather abrupt for such a long date. But I couldn't take it anymore, I was so tired and felt like I might snap if I sat there for much longer. We walked outside, and it was raining so I said we should say goodbye there, instead of at the car. He asked if I wanted him to take me to my car, which I told him I would be fine, and thankfully a guy came outside at that moment to smoke, spoiling any chance this guy had at making ANY kind of move. So I got the same hug and kiss on the cheek that I got when I first got there, and we parted ways. It was a long date at the end of a very long week.

The weird thing is I think this guy thinks the date went well. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks there is a chance for another date, although his work schedule and my weekend schedule probably won't allow for that happen anyway! For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually grateful that I have a work schedule that creates weekend conflicts.

For those of you who don't know, I'm currently training for my first triathlon. It's just a sprint, but it's something that is taking up a lot of my time, and when I'd rather be at the gym than on a date, that's a sure sign that it's time to take a break. Although I say that all the time, and it never happens. So we'll see, there may or may not be dates in the future. I'm talking to a couple, that may or may not pan out into dates!

In the bag!

So, it's been rather slow on the dating front, but I'm really busy with work (all three jobs are in full effect this weekend, although there will be a date on Sunday.)

This is a different kind of post. Jdate is having a contest to be the next Jblogger! I can do this, I've been blogging about jdates for AGES. or 4 years. but it feels like AGES. I've been a jdate subscriber on and off for years, and have lots of stories. The only thing you get out of this contest is a position as a Jdate blogger, and a free Jdate subscription (my mom's dream come true!) So, what do I have to lose? I'm going to go for it. The only problem I have is I don't know what story to tell, or should I write something new?

Anyway, I'm asking you guys, my readers, people who know my stories, who have been there with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly (!!), which jdate story I should go with? "Jdate does not stand for Jesus date" "Maybe he's born with it" (the one that started it all!) or any of the other ones throughout the years... Or something completely different. Please let me know, either here or on Facebook or Twitter or however you follow me (or in person, if I see you!)

The entry needs to be in by April 2nd, I'll post it here once it's written!

A Perfect End.

A perfect end to a perfect weekend. This weekend was up there as far as weekends go in my life currently. I went to an AMAZING show on Friday, spent time at the beach, had a great time with friends, lots of laughter, smiling and sunshine. Overall, a stellar weekend. However, that's not what this post is about. I never really blogged about the break up between me and Mr. Perfect. As we are upon the anniversary, I thought it was due time I told that story.

One year ago today (as in the Sunday of this weekend - date-wise it was actually a year ago tomorrow) I made the hardest decision I ever had to make. Ever. I knew that things with Mr. Perfect were not going well. It was the day after my best friend's wedding. I was a bridesmaid, and it was, by no bias of my own, a gorgeous wedding. It was probably one of the warmest, most loving weddings I've ever been to, and had the privilege of being a part. As I stood up there, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what my friend has, is what I want. And when I looked out into the seats where Mr. Perfect was seated amongst my parents, other boyfriends/significant others (of people he knew!), and saw him basically scowling at the entire thing, I knew right then, this would never be for us. I had to make a choice that night, do I give up what I want (a husband who loves me enough to profess it in front of a room full of our family and friends, a connection that runs deeper than the words that are spoken, a person who will be by my side in the best of times and the worst of times) or do I break up with him? I didn't fixate on that during the wedding or the reception because there was no way I was going to let him ruin a beautiful day.

After the reception, a lot of the couples were staying at the hotel. I opted to not stay at the hotel for financial reasons, and the drive to the hotel would be just as long as the drive back to my house. Since Mr. Perfect doesn't drink, I wasn't worried about how we were going to get there... so we were just going to come to the brunch the next day from my house. We decided to actually go to the hotel for a little bit, for the after party, and to hang out with some of my friends who had come in from NYC and I don't get to see all that often. I sat and socialized with my friends, while Mr. Perfect stood around, and was miserable as usual. I had mentioned to a friend of mine from high school who was there that night that I had been thinking about breaking up with Mr. P. My friend is dating a girl who has social anxiety, and does not like to be in large crowds of unfamiliar people, and actually was not at the wedding. He really tried to convince me not to break up with Mr. P. When you have a friend, who barely knows your boyfriend, trying so hard to convince you to not do something, well your mind must already be made up. I think both Mr. P and I knew this was coming, we just weren't sure how to get there. Timing sucks, always, with these things. I knew I wasn't going to do it before the wedding, I just didn't know how soon after it was going to happen.

On our way back to my house, Mr. Perfect says to me that he has to go to his parents house tomorrow for his brother's birthday so he won't be able to stay at my place after the brunch. I thought this was a little bit strange, the way he worded it. Because last year, I met his family on his brother's birthday, and I wasn't being invited to dinner this year? That struck a nerve with me, but I was tired, and I didn't want to fight, so I didn't mention it. In the morning, we went to the brunch, which was like a mini reception from the wedding, with all the people who I knew I wasn't going to see until next year's camping trip most likely. I wanted to talk with them, and touch base, but I could feel the weight of Mr. Perfect dragging me down. I had to sit with him, at least until he was talking to someone else that he felt comfortable with, I couldn't move too far away, I had to keep one eye on him, all while I tried to enjoy myself. At one point, I think we were getting ready to leave, one of the other bridesmaids said casually to me, oh so you're going to Mr. P's parents house now for his brother's birthday, right? I was a little confused, I guess Mr. P told her what he was doing for the rest of the day, and failed to mention that I wasn't going. That brought back the feelings from the night before of being uninvited to this family event, and I just was not feeling good. We left shortly there after, and Mr. Perfect had to drive me back to my car which was at my friend's house from the day before. While we were in the car, I asked him why I hadn't been invited to his parent's house for his brother's birthday. I knew his parents didn't not invite me, so he must of just told them that I wouldn't be coming. He responded that he didn't think I would want to come and that I'd be busy. And I responded, but you didn't even invite me... you told me what you were doing, and I wasn't a part of that. At this point we're at my friend's house, in front of my car. He goes to give me back my key, and I faltered, the whole key thing... and I get very upset and ask if this is how he planned on breaking up with me, had he planned to do this the whole time? Some of the other bridesmaids had their cars at our friend's house as well, and just happened to get there at that moment. I told Mr. P that I was not going to do this here, he should go to his parents' house, do what he needs to do, and then come over to my house after so we could have this talk properly.

I had all day to prepare. I cried, a lot. But I wasn't sure how it was going to all pan out. I don't remember exactly how it all went. I remember him saying that he wasn't happy, and I responded that he wasn't ever happy, and his depression was a real a serious thing. He needed to get help. He agreed. I told him that I would stand by him and help him through it, go to counseling with him, if he wanted me to, whatever it takes, I said, if you're willing to get help, I'm willing to work this out. He chose not to. That was probably one of the most hurtful things that had ever happened to me. Then he left. And that's how Mr. Perfect and I ended things a year ago today.

Of course, as you all know, it didn't end there. We had a hard time cutting the ties. We saw each other over the course of the following 4 months, technically "as friends" but there was definitely more than friendship. One night in May, I remember very clearly, he invited me over for dinner at his house. There was a different feel to that night, he was being affectionate, it was the first time I had been at his house since we broke up and all my pictures were still up. The picture of us on his fridge, the frame in his bedroom, all still there. I was very much a presence in his house, long after I had gone. When we were in bed later, he says to me that he wants to work this out, he wants to get back together, he can't stand the idea of losing me. It's everything I wanted him to say, 2 months earlier. He was acting how I had hoped he would act, when we first broke up, but he didn't. And I had been away from it long enough to know that he was NOT what I wanted. So, I did what anyone would in that situation. I cried. Which was not what he was hoping for, of course. We continued to see each other occasionally after that, not as frequently, the last time being the 4th of July. We spent nearly the entire weekend together. And by the end, I was just done. Our relationship had truly run its course. I had no desire to be with him physically anymore, and it was more just going through the motions. We didn't talk for a few months, and I didn't see him again until my birthday.

Over the past few months we have established the boundaries of our friendship. I am very happy to include him in my life as my friend, and I will always be there for him. He was at my friend's birthday party last weekend, and I thought all was fine. He was socializing, and I didn't feel responsible for him. We stayed until pretty late in the evening, and he drove me home. I don't know if I was drunk or not, it was late, I had been drinking, I was tired... I can't remember saying anything that was offensive, or if we ended things on a bad note. I just remember saying goodnight, telling him to drive safely, and exiting the car. He PEELS out of my driveway and speeds off down the road before I even have a chance to make it to my door. I am utterly confused at this point. The only time I've ever seen him drive off like that, not even waiting to see if I get in alright, was after a HUGE blow-out fight we had, the day after my birthday when we were dating. I haven't heard from him since then, my friends texted him last night to see if he wanted to meet up with us at the bar, but of course he did not. I don't know if he's mad at me for something. I can't for the life of me figure out what that could be. This is what I hated about his moods when we were dating, I shouldn't have to be reliving this as his friend. I will continue to be his friend, should he seek that out in me, in a mature reasonable fashion.

So that's the whole story of me and Mr. P from a year ago up to today. Hopefully it clarifies some of the vague references I've made in previous posts about our "less than perfect" ending, and our blurred lines of friendship for a few months!

(Dating is slow right now. I'm super busy - like October/November busy, where it took weeks to set up a first date due to my work schedule!! There is a date scheduled for next Sunday, but I just found out today that my sister will be in from Boston from Sat-Tuesday next week, so I may have to cancel. Maybe just a quick coffee, it's been too long!)

3 Strikes

I can not do this, whatever it is, with the phone guy anymore. He is still JUST a phone guy. We haven't met. We've had multiple good conversations, via text, phone, and IM. We just can't seem to make that first date happen. Wait, not we.... HE. Last Sunday I blogged about how he canceled our bowling date. I was ok with that, and he was really apologetic, and pissed about having to work late. And made mention of wanting to set up a meeting sometime this week. We had originally talked about Monday, but Mondays are bad for me and I had a ton of grades to do, so I suggested Tuesday instead. He was fine with that. I had forgotten that my friend was coming in for a haircut on Tuesday and I had scheduled time to see her and get some water ice with her and my other friend.

Throughout the day on Tuesday, the texts from the phone guy were much less than usual. This struck me as odd because he's usually SO on top of the texting. Seriously, on Monday, we exchanged probably between 20-30 texts over the course of the day. So when I hadn't heard from him on Tuesday by the end of the day since like 9 in the morning (he had called me in the morning to wish me a good day, and to chat a bit on his way to work and texted me in the morning), I was a bit surprised. So I sent him a text, just asking what his plan was for that night. He said he thought he was going to have to work late, so he didn't know. I responded that later would be fine for me since I had forgotten that my friend was coming in for the night, and I wanted to see her. He said he'd let me know. Around 6ish, he texted me and said he was going to have to stay late at work and there was no way he was going to be able to go out. I was pretty sympathetic and was very understanding about him breaking our date, for the second time in 3 days. Work is work. I'm not saying I like it, but I can understand it. When he got home at 9:30, he sent me a text, telling me he had just gotten home and how frustrated he was with work. We talked for a while, and I was almost ready to tell him that I don't want to do this again, when he PROMISED me that we'd hang out tonight. He said, I don't make promises because they are something that I don't break. Ok.... well, I told him that I didn't want to interfere with his work schedule, and that he should just keep me posted on what he thought his day would be like throughout the day. We, again, texted back and forth all day today, and he even said that he was looking forward to hanging out tonight. I had gone out with my friends for St. Patrick's day, and hadn't heard from him in a couple of hours, so I just wanted to know what his plan was. I get a message back that he's on his way to NYC. Um. What? So I asked if it was for work. Nope, for fun, he responds. He then texts me to ask if I am pissed. Which I am. But I'm not going to tell him that. I tell him that he owes me nothing, I'm not pissed, just a little confused. I had only asked that if his plans should change, all he needed to do was to let me know. He said that his friend just called him and it sounded like a good time, so he decided to go, and it just happened 45 minutes ago. Riiiiiiiight. So. I'm done. Seriously, I can forgive plans being broken for work. I can forgive 2 dates in a row being canceled. But when you cancel on me because you'd rather be in NYC getting drunk, yeah... I'm done. I don't even KNOW this guy, that's the funny part. I'm not mad at him, how could I be. I'm mad at myself for allowing him to string me along like this. I would bet money that he will drunk text me tonight. I will bet money that he will call me and try to set something up again. Unless this guy bends over backwards and plans something damn near spectacular, I am not wasting another second of my time or energy on this. It's a joke at this point. When I tell people this, they have to stop me and say, Wait, but you've never met him, right? RIGHT. I don't need a phone buddy. I don't WANT a text friend. I'm looking for a relationship. Something REAL that exists not on the phone. So, 3 dates canceled. 3 strikes and you're out.

While I wait.

I'm waiting to find out if the phone guy is going to be able to make it to our date for tonight. I'm not sure what to make of the whole situation. I get the impression that this guy really does want to meet me, and he wants to see me tonight... but his priority is work right now. I can understand that... but only to an extent.

So, we had plans to meet up tonight. We have talked just about every single day since we first started communicating a week ago. It's only been a week of communication but it feels like so much more based on how often we text/talk. He actually called me at the library on Friday with made up reference questions so I could talk to him while I was at work. It was super slow and I was very bored! He made for good company but still this is all preemptive since we haven't even met yet! He sent me a text this morning with the plan being to go bowling at North Bowl tonight. I'm not a huge fan of bowling on a first date, it's definitely more of a second date type of thing. I agreed and have done bowling both successfully and unsuccessfully as first dates before, and his other suggestion was I go over his house for him to cook us dinner and watch a movie! Whoa, there buddy. That is like... 5th or 6th date territory, not first meeting! No. I opted for bowling, but I get the feeling he's a "relationship" type guy and not a dater. He seems to be doing very boyfriend-y things before we've even met, the texts throughout the day, nicknames, wanting to have nights in before any nights out! Maybe I think more like a dater than a relationship-er. I know it is NECESSARY to have dates before you get into a relationship, but like how Google didn't know how to be in a relationship because he had never had one, maybe I could really get used to a guy to who ONLY knows how to be in a relationship. It's like I've gone from one extreme to the other.

He texts me at the library right before we closed today that it was necessary that I call him ASAP. I asked if I could call him between the library and my youth group meeting, which I had approximately 5 minutes. So I called him, and he goes on about how his boss is making him work tonight at 6, and he doesn't know how long it will go, but would I be interested in meeting up maybe later on - like 9 or 10 tonight? We talked on the phone, and I was very understanding about the whole situation. I think he thought I was going to get all angry or upset, or blow up on the phone or something. I am ok with plans being canceled, I don't enjoy it, but as long as I know, I'm fine. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and just asked him to keep me posted on how it was going tonight, or if we should just reschedule for another night this week. Since it was daylight savings, it actually feels much earlier than 8:30 right now, but I am exhausted! I didn't get home from my friend's birthday party last night until after 4, had to work all day, have a lot to do for school, so I think I'm just going to say no thanks for tonight. He's been texting me updates, but it doesn't look like he'll be done until after 10, and I'm not having any of that.

This makes yet another time our first date has been canceled due to his work. I really do want to meet this guy. And as someone who has a fairly busy work schedule, I should be understanding. the difference is I know in advance when I am or not free due to work, and my jobs don't really have any true urgency that is going to change that schedule. His on the other hand, requires him to be available 24/7, or basically at his boss's every need. He has done nothing but bad mouth his boss to me, although with a kind of respect I don't really understand. I think he thinks his boss is a jerk but he truly respects him, if that makes any sense... Anyway, his last text to me was about half an hour ago, I had said, why don't we just plan for another night, and he responded that he wanted to see how long it would be and added that his boss knew we had plans tonight. That made me laugh. I've never had a boss that could have that kind of control over my social life, nor would I want someone to have that kind of power. I imagine his boss to be this crazy controlling man, who doesn't want one of his most dependable employees to go on a date because it might change his outlook on how important his job is. Wow, I was just cock blocked by a guy I've never met, yet already dislike.

It's highly unlikely that we'll go out tonight. Which is sad, and disappointing, but at the same time, gives me some perspective. Am I going to spend yet another week talking and texting with him? Although I really don't want to, I probably will. It may give me some perspective though on the amount of stock I put on my dates before they happen, right up until the moment I get there.

On a completely unrelated note, it's been one month since things ended with Google. We've talked maybe 3 or 4 times via IM since then. He drunk texted me once. I may have drunk texted him once. (I think I did, but I never checked my sent texts the next day, and now they are gone!) I thought that I missed him, despite knowing how wrong he is for me. However, I've come to the conclusion that I do not miss him, but I miss what we had. He was not a good catch (despite what his match profile might make him out to be!), he's a miserable person, who lacks social skills, and lacks in many other areas as well. He did not care a whole lot about me, despite how much I tried to get him to. I do not miss him. I do not miss wondering if he is going to want to see me. I do not miss seeing him online and knowing that he's there, and CHOOSING not to talk to me. I don't miss wondering if I could be doing something different to make him like me more. I miss being out in Philly, getting to do really fun things, having romantic evenings, sharing myself with someone, becoming part of someone else's life. None of those things are exclusive to Google. I will have them again, with someone who mirrors the same feelings for me.

His apartment, however, will be deeply missed, and hard to get over. That was architectural love at first sight. Sigh.

Danger Zone

2 weeks in a row I've had dates on Wednesday nights, with guys who are much younger than I normally date. It's a strange thing, going from dating someone who is much older and more settled in his life to dating guys who have so much of their plan still to come. The guy from last night is 26, I think soon to be 27, but I'm not sure. We had emailed, and then sent some texts back and forth on Saturday/Sunday, then agreed to meet up this week for drinks on Wednesday night. I wasn't overly excited about the date, I don't know why. There was nothing unappealing about this guy. He was cute, smart, interesting through emails... I just didn't get that connected feeling or excitement leading up to the date. So I went into the date with a slightly uninterested vibe, not sure where this was all going to lead.

We met up at a bar that wouldn't have been my first choice. It was a rather large bar right across the street from 30th Street Station, it's an Irish bar - and it being the month of March, they have St. Patty's events going on every single night. Last night was live music, which made it rather hard to have good conversation. Not a good choice for a first date, but I get the feeling he didn't know any better. Also his choice of seating was less than ideal. He got there before I did (not surprising!) and had chosen a table in the bar area, but it was literally almost on top of another table right next to us. There was a couple sitting so close to us, I felt like we were at the same table - they were on a first date too - which provided even more distraction than the live music!

So, I admit that I eavesdropped on the date going on next to me, because I thought it was hysterical. I don't know that most people can pick up on first date conversation so easily, but I've been on enough first dates to know it when I hear it. The funniest stuff was what the girl was saying. While my date was at the bar getting my drink for me, I was listening to the girl on the date next to me talk to the guy about how she's "so into wine" right now. She made a resolution to drink wine instead of beer (except she has a Stella in front of her, weird.) and she doesn't like the after taste of alcohol. I was bored and I wasn't even IN the conversation. Is this what other girls talk about on dates? Yawn. So, my date returns with my drink and we have good conversation (not about wine, or beer, or any kind of alcohol at all...) that was fairly natural, but I felt uncomfortable with the other table so close. If I could listen in on their conversation, they could easily listen in on mine. The best part was when the girl was talking about how she was "so over 23" Really? and the guy who she's on the date with commiserated that he's not looking forward to turning 27. And how 30 is just looming around the corner for him. Oh. dear. lord. So here I am, on a date with a 26 year old, next to a 26 year old and 23 year old. I'm the granny of this bunch!

The date wrapped up after 2 hours, I had only put 2 hours of quarters in my meter, and needed to get to my car before I got a ticket because I apparently parked on the one street that has meters that run until midnight! It was a good time to go though, 2 hours was more than enough. I still hadn't rallied up any feelings towards this guy that would make me want to see him again. There's no reason why I wouldn't, I just don't think there's any interest there. I'm not sure if it was mutual or not. (because I know your curious: The other first date lasted much longer than mine - they were there before we got there, and still there when we left!) He walked me to my car, even though it was parked far away from where he parked. I offered to drive him back to his car, but he declined the offer. He gave me a hug, there was the obligatory parting remarks of "this was fun, we should do it again sometime." and agreement (I never know what to say to that!) And I ended my 2nd Wednesday night date, heading home.

Those of you who have been following the fan page on Facebook (if you're not a fan, there's a link below!), know that there's another guy in the works. Someone who I am REALLY excited about. Here's some back story on him. He winked at me on Match, back in November when he first moved into Philly. I don't remember if I didn't wink back, or if we never emailed for whatever reason, but I know we never connected through any kind of real communication. Sunday night, I saw his profile online over the weekend, and I vaguely remembered our connection from before (his profile is more wordy than mine - if you can imagine!) so I winked at him. Within an hour, he had winked back AND emailed me. We sent 3 emails back and forth that night, and finally it was late, so I gave him my cell phone number (expecting him to call in a day or so) and started getting ready to go to bed. He sends me a text that was just the lyric to one of my all time favorite Beatles songs. I responded that it was one of my favorites, and a good call on his part. He responds that it's HIS favorite, and how strange is that? We ended up texting back and forth for a good hour and a half that night, and potentially set up a date for Tuesday. He was going to call me on Monday to confirm, but Monday came and went and I didn't hear from him until very late. It was almost 10:30 when he finally texted me to tell me that he had been at work until 9:45, he was so exhausted, and could we talk tomorrow? Of course. I was a little bummed that the date was not going to happen, but I understand busy work schedules, as mine gets in the way ALL the time! On Tuesday, I was pleasantly surprised to get a text from him which he had sent around 8am, just wishing me a good day. I responded and again we texted back and forth throughout the day. Tuesday night, we're supposed to talk, but he has to work late again, and is exhausted. At this point, I'm a little tired of the texting and not setting up a date, and wondering if this guy has any real interest in meeting me at all. So when he texts me that he's tired and we'll talk tomorrow, I respond with something pseudo witty/snarky about how that's the 2nd night in a row he's done that. He immediately apologizes, and I do believe that he was just truly exhausted. I mention that I won't be around because I'm going out for drinks the following night (I don't mention that it's on a date...) so we probably won't get to talk. He says he's over the texting thing, I agree. So, am I more than a little surprised when he sends me a text to check in with me the next day to see how my day is going? Yes. We text a little bit, but with my school/gym/date schedule, I was less responsive. After I got home from my date, I checked in to see if he was still awake, and if he wanted to talk. He called me, and although it breaks ALL my pre-dating rules, we talked on the phone for 2 and a half hours. He's so much different than I would expect. We have a lot in common. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up, because before a date, that's really dangerous (like photographer-dangerous!) He called me this morning, to wish me a good day, and to talk some more. We could have probably talked for another 2.5 hours if I hadn't been walking into school! And of course, we were sending texts back and forth most of the day. We are going out this weekend, either Friday night after the library, or Sunday. Either way, I need to turn it down a little bit! He is really sweet, and we have a lot to talk about... but if it gets too built up before we meet, I'm afraid it will be bitterly disappointing for one or both of us!