Not.

A year ago, today in fact, I decided to take a break from blogging to pursue a relationship with T, it was date #4, and each date had gotten progressively better... it just seemed like the time to stop blogging. Well, that all blew up in my face, and not a week later I found myself wondering just what I did wrong to make him not interested. I am worried about CK falling into similar patterns. I find myself constantly doubting things because of the way things with T turned out so suddenly, or the way the D situation unfolded only a month after the T situation. I find myself constantly having to remind myself that CK is NOT T, and he is NOT D. No matter how striking the similarities in situations may be.

I had a rough day at school today. Lots of unnecessary worrying about an observation that never happened, and not enough worrying about a spirit week competition that little did I know, I was doomed to win. Turns out, tomorrow out school I will have to dress up in the school mascot costume because I raised the most money during the lunch periods this week. Unfortunately, I was ambushed. The teacher who was beating me for most of this week turned on me today and all her friends (she's been at this school for years, and is a very well liked, respected teacher) put money in my container so I would win (I was the closest to her, so the least amount of money necessary to assure her loss - nothing personal, I hope.) Anyway, with a surprise donation from the principal, I won... and in reality... lost, because now I have to wear a big, sweaty lion's costume all day tomorrow. Today, in essence... sucked. I had spoken with CK earlier in the week, and he had mentioned hanging out one night this week. I didn't know if I would be able to due to work, grad school, spirit week, etc. After the day I had today though, I sent him a text message to see if his offer was still good. It was.

I went over his place, with the intention of hanging out and playing some Guitar Hero and Wii. Good times. I apparently suck at Guitar Hero, and am still relatively awful at the Wii as well (although, kick ass at bowling - go figure). We played for a while, and it was the same gradual increase of level of comfort that we've experienced the past 4 times we've hung out. We literally started on opposite sides of the room - and gradually moved close enough to be cuddled on the couch by the end. I enjoy his company so very much that I hardly noticed or cared or thought about the BFPE's picture that was still staring me down on the wall. Not true, at one point when he was out of the room, I got close enough to do a full inspection of the picture.

At this point, I know... I need talk to him about it. Every time we hang out, I get a little more emotionally invested. Everyone and their mother (or in my case, my classroom aide - because my mother, his mother, and my grandmother seem to be the only ones who see nothing wrong with the fact that he has a girlfriend) has given me their 2 cents on when and how I should bring this up. And I know I should because when push comes to shove, I need to figure out where this is going soon before I get hurt once again. We had a really great time tonight. He treats me like this is going in a direction of being more than just a casual thing. We talked about going to a concert together the night before he leaves for China. He is coming to my best friend's play this weekend with me and my other best friend and her fiance. He told me tonight that I am always welcome at his place, and I can come over whenever I want. All this is well and good, but I want something more that will let me know if I am over investing myself in something that will dead end on me in a few month's time because he decides he'd rather be with BFPE.

Exactly a year after T's infamous "cat and dictionary" invitation, I have my guard up and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. While, I still have to keep reminding myself that CK is NOT any of the guys that have hurt me or scarred me in the past, I also have to remind myself that I am NOT his girlfriend. at least not yet.