Balance

I may never bring up the BFPE. This is something that I clearly have no balls to discuss. Last night there were MANY times when it could have fit sort-of naturally into the conversation, and I just wussed out completely.

That being said... there are times where I don't know what I want from this relationship with CK. Would I like him to not have a girlfriend? Obviously. However, I think he sees this as being maybe more serious than I do.

First, the date. Last I had seen CK was the night before I left for Boston. The sleepover, lack of sleep, crazy stress at school, and a plane ride later I came down with a wicked cold. I spent 4 out of my 5 days in Boston with a raging fever and cough to go with it. Didn't stop me from going out and enjoying myself, but I returned home with the remnants of an awful cold, mostly just the cough of death (you know, the wheezing, hacking kind that sounds like a lung might surface if you put any more effort into it). CK and I had texted a few times over the weekend, he told me he was looking forward to seeing me when I got back. So I texted him on Monday when I got home and asked him what his plans for the week were. He was going to a show on Tuesday, and said he would really like it if I could go. It was a loud, dancey kind of concert in a bar that is too small to hold that many people, and knowing how I felt, I knew I wasn't going to be happy if I went to this show. I asked him to call me on Monday night, so we could discuss. I didn't want to just say no through a text, and have him get the wrong idea. I also had this big plan in my head that when he would call, I'd casually bring up the BFPE and we could finally talk about this. But he called while I was making dinner, and my mother and father were both in the room, and it wasn't the right time. So, we talked about the show and he said he was hoping I would stay over again...and he seemed genuinely disappointed that I wasn't going to go to come out. So I told him depending on how I felt, I'd come out for dinner before hand, and we could get some drinks at the bar before the show - but I would have to go home relatively early.

I didn't feel great yesterday, but not bad enough to stay in. So I went to Philly where we had dinner at a cute restaurant. Walking to dinner, he mentioned something that struck me as odd. He was talking to me about his boss, and how she had just broken up with her boyfriend and was talking to him about it. Out of curiosity and nothing else, I asked how old she was. In my mind she was young-ish. Maybe mid 30s. He responded that she was older, maybe 48 or so and that I "had nothing to worry about." I asked him what he meant by that, and he said I didn't have to worry about his boss making a move on him. I responded that it wasn't his boss I was concerned about. I was hoping this could lead into potential BFPE talk.... but of course, it didn't.

Dinner was fine. On the walk over, we passed a restaurant that he mentioned he'd like to go to with me. Again, future plans... but no future progress. At one point he got a little flustered, and stumbled around asking me what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I don't think I'm at the point where I want to invite him over for the holidays yet, but I know from past history that he asks me what I'm doing when he wants to make plans. I told him my plans and asked him his. He talked a long circle around the fact that he really doesn't have plans, but might just go down the shore to see his parents. I thought about inviting him, for a hot second, but I refuse to invite someone to dinner with my entire family plus some who has a girlfriend, whether it be in another country or not.

After dinner, we walked back to his place for a short visit with his cats and to play some guitar hero. Seriously, that's it. Not even any making out. We're regressing physically (ok, I was deathly ill and probably pretty unattractive). But the Guitar Hero was fun. I'm getting better at it, so long as I just play the notes and don't think about it. As soon as I try to think about what I'm doing, I start to really suck. I should start a new blog just for my progress in guitar hero. It might be more exciting than my dating at this point.

HOWEVER, my school crush came back into the picture today! Woohoo. After a few weeks of us having very minimal communication other than the necessary school talk, I had given up hope in that area. I ran into him today in the hallway with my co-worker (who agrees with me that he is attractive in the geeky older sense), and we chatted about school stuff. Nothing new, and I made a good showing of my sex appeal by coughing up storm and whining about how sick I was feeling. Maybe he has a nurturing side. He shows up in my classroom, unexpected around 4pm. I was getting ready to leave for the evening. He joked with me about leaving so early, since he knows I'm usually in school until at least 5 or later. He waited around in my room until I was done closing up and ready to leave, and then said he'd walk me out. I had to go to the copy room to drop something off for tomorrow, and he came with. We walked out together and talked for a bit in the parking lot. He asked what I did over the long weekend, but talk was mostly centered around school stuff. He told me that I need to make sure I have a balance in my work life and social life. I wonder if he's interested in helping me balance that out...