BFPE

Wednesday was THE night. Yes, I finally talked to CK about the BFPE. But I'll get to that later. The boring date details are first...

I had originally planned on going out with my friends from home the night before Thanksgiving. However, I had no desire to go to a local bar that charged way too much to just get in the doors to be reminded why I hated high school in the first place. I thought we were going to go out in Philly, so Tuesday night I had asked CK if he wanted to come with us. We talked on the phone for a while Tuesday night, and I kept thinking I should bring up the BFPE, but I never did. I made up my mind that if I did see him on Wednesday, I wasn't leaving until we had that conversation. So, when plans changed on Wednesday and my friends decided to go out in Jersey instead of Philly, I could have made the decision to not go out with CK, and not have the conversation.

When I talked to CK Wednesday night and told him about the change of plans, he invited me to go out with some of his friends instead. I was a little nervous about meeting his friends because honestly, I didn't know what I was getting myself into at all, and under what circumstances I was meeting these friends. I went over to his place around 9, and we hung out there for a while. I brought him books for his upcoming trip to China, like a good librarian (in 4 weeks!) should. Books are a level of contention for me, because I once dated a guy for a very long time (2+ years) who didn't read and it absolutely drove me crazy. Reading is fundamental for my happiness, and I'd like to share that with someone I am dating. CK originally pegged himself as someone with whom I shared similar book interests with, but apparently that was a facade, and he doesn't really read all that much. I am trying to change that by influencing him with my good taste in books.

Anyway, back to the date, we walked over to his friends apartment. I was really nervous because it's been almost 2 years since I've met the friends of a guy I'm dating. We got to his friend's apartment and we had some drinks with his friend (roommate from college), his friend's girlfriend, another friend from college and her roommate. It was definitely awkward at first but all of his friends were really nice, and I felt at ease quickly. We had a drink at his friend's apartment then headed over to a bar not far from the apartment. Despite being the night before Thanksgiving, the bar was basically empty, and there were great drink specials. The one time it's great to drink in the city? When everyone leaves to go home to drink in the suburbs!

We went from one bar to another when his friends were hungry and wanted to get some food. Up until this point it had been pretty casual between CK and myself. There had been a few affectionate moments, but nothing really that would differentiate me from just another friend. At the second bar, for most of the time CK had his hand on my leg or my arm, or something that made it a bit clearer to me that he was bringing me out with his friends as someone he considered to be more than a friend. After a few more rounds of beer and some pizza, I was definitely having a difficult time staying awake and functioning at normal speed.

Around 2 in the morning, we got back to CK's place. We had planned that I would stay over, so that part wasn't an issue that needed to be discussed. We were making out in his living room for a while, and then decided to move things to the bedroom. All this time, I still hadn't brought up the BFPE, and the more I thought about it, the more I knew I had to say something. We were getting into bed, and of course, I got into bed fully clothed. He made some sort of comment about how I could take off my clothes if I wanted to, and I replied with a comment along the lines of how that could make things "dangerous." He assured me that he had protection, and I responded that it wasn't the protection that I was worried about, it was more along the lines of the implications of what us having sex meant. We then had a mini-DTR, went something like this:
CK: So, what are you looking for?
Me: (groans) that is the worst question ever. I'm not looking for anything.
CK: Ok.... So, what are the implications then that you're worried about?
Me: Well, I'm thinking about 2 things. The first thing is that I have a really good time with you and I enjoy all the time we spend together.
CK: Me too.
Me: But, I'm also thinking that you have a girlfriend.... and those two things really counteract each other.
CK: Yes.
Me: So, I don't really know how this works, and what exactly it means for you to be in an "open relationship" (and I do think I used finger quotes for this.)
CK: Well, you're free to date other people if you want, and I would hope that you would make time to still be with me.
Me: Huh? I'm not seeing anyone else. That's not what I mean. I'm not looking to meet anyone else, I don't really buy into the whole "open relationship" thing, anyway. Basically, what I want to know is what is going on with your girlfriend, why you guys aren't totally together, or totally broken up (Ok, so maybe I didn't say this exactly - in hindsight it is what I should have said... but it was some round about way of asking what their deal was.)
CK: Well, I have the same agreement with her, we're still together, but we're allowed to date other people.
Me: Right, and there will come a time when you're going to see her, and I'm going to end up feeling really foolish.
CK: Well, I am going to see her. But I'm not looking to be in a serious relationship, or get married. (WHOA. Who said ANYTHING about marriage?????)
Me: Um... ok. (not sure if he meant her or me with that comment.) I don't really like thinking about something leading to marriage, because if it does, it does. If it doesn't then all the thinking and planning and talking about it doesn't really matter anyway. And trust me, I'm NOT looking for marriage, but I am 27. I have a job that I like, I am finishing my master's, I'm getting to the point where I know what I want, and what I'm looking for. I can tell you that I'm not looking to be someone's "on the side" or second best to anyone.

I don't really remember the conversation after this part. We talked around in circles a lot. He made it clear that it was my decision what I wanted to do, and he wasn't planning on breaking up with the BFPE anytime soon. I did ask him if they were in an open relationship that would eventually lead to them getting back together. He told me he didn't know the answer to that question. At what point though does the relationship become something not worth hanging on to? I think that's more of a question I need to consider though.

He's leaving for China for 10 days on Saturday, so I told him that I didn't want to upset anyone over the holiday or while he was away. The 10 days apart (which will be the longest time in between seeing each other that we've had since we started dating) will give us a good time to think about things and figure out what is going on. We're going to talk about this again when he's back from China, and even though we've talked about the BFPE, she's still far from gone. Hopefully these 10 days will give me some perspective about what I really want with CK, and what I can handle, and what I can't. I still have a lot of questions about the BFPE and the open relationship.

We did end up sleeping together, which was good and bad for many reasons. I may see him tonight/tomorrow, and drive him to the train station since he's flying out of Newark, and would have to take 2 trains from Philly. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going out of my way for him to prove that I'm better than she is... although, I'm driving another friend to the same train station on Sunday, so I guess it's not something that I'd only do for him. But maybe I shouldn't try so hard, and he can see what he'll be missing.