Not Mine

So one of the good things about having a dating blog is that it really opens people up to telling you about their bad dates. The following story was told to me by a friend at dinner on Tuesday night. We were at dinner, and the topic turns to dating, the Israeli, my blog... and my one friend turns to the other and says, "You have to tell her the story about the Q-tip guy." Q-tip guy... I'm already intrigued. The date itself happened years ago, and the friend is now happily engaged (so there is hope that after all these bad dates there will be a good one somewhere down the line??). This is her story. It was way too classic not to post (with her permission of course!)

and so without further ado...
The Q-Tip

So this girl, we'll call her A for the sake of the story, was on her 4th date with this guy. He invited A over for dinner, which he was going to prepare. He opens the door wearing a sparkly shirt and shoes. (I'm pretty sure he was wearing pants too, but they weren't worth mentioning... must not have been sparkly enough.) He was a DJ, and apparently had just gotten home from DJing a high school dance. I think he was just dressing to impress, I mean if diamonds are a girl's best friend, sparkly shirts must run a close second. As for dinner, now, he was a few years her senior, and should have had this cooking thing down by then, I would think. But you know, some bachelors rely solely on microwave ovens and take out, and barely know how to boil water. If he needed a little help, that's ok. While he cooked dinner, he proceeded to call his mom on the phone multiple times, (my assumption was to ask for cooking assistance??) but whatever the case may be, the meal did not turn out in his favor. Atrocious may have been the word A used to describe it.

After this really bad meal, he then tells A that he feels sweaty (from cooking? DJing? or maybe the sparkly shirt retains a lot of heat and moisture - part shirt, part greenhouse) and he wants to take a shower. He tells her that she can check her email or go online while he's in there. A little awkward for a 4th date to be left alone under such circumstances. While he's in the shower he calls out for A and asks her if she can bring him some shampoo that's in his hall closet. A goes over, maybe expecting your typical boy shampoo selection. Not for sparkly shirt guy! Of course not, A has the choice of sun-ripened raspberry, peach, and many other Bath and Bodyworks shampoo selections. (This was weird enough - at this point her date was running close to my make-up wearing date which initiated the blog. As this dawned on me, I realized that we hadn't even gotten to any Q-tip action yet!) The sparkly shirt guy (sans shirt) emerges from the shower wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist. He proceeds to walk back and forth in front of where A was sitting, with his towel (and his man-bits) flapping openly for all the world to see.

It could have ended there. It would still have been a horrendous date. But it does not end there. He comes over to A, still dressed only in a towel, and a single Q-tip in hand. While talking to A, he proceeds to clean one ear first, then puts the Q-tip in his mouth and sucks on the end that has just been inside his ear (I wish I could demonstrate through words the actual visual movements that went along with this) and then puts the Q-tip into his other ear and repeats the process several times. I am as skeptical as the next, so of course I ask A: When you say he sucked on the Q-tip... To which A replied: No, he SUCKED on the Q-tip, like a lollipop, like he had never sucked before. From there, I have no idea if she ran out of there screaming, made up an excuse, or climbed out the bathroom window, but she should have high-tailed it out of there pronto.

The story of A and the Q-tip ends there, and even though it's not my own dating disaster, it certainly was a date worth documenting.