Melt(down)

Tuesday I sent CK a text to see if he wanted to hang out Wednesday night. We both are busy this weekend, I'll be in nyc, he has a work holiday party, so we won't be seeing each other over the weekend. I knew I'd be busy with grad school work tonight, so Wednesday night was really the only night I had available to see him. He's usually good about texting me back in a reasonable amount of time, so I was disappointed/discouraged when I saw on Wednesday morning that he hadn't responded. However, by my lunch time on Wednesday (I don't have my phone on during the day - so all texts are received when I turn on my phone), he had texted me back that he "most definitely" wanted to see me, and maybe we could do dinner in Philly? This was the plan until I checked my phone when I was leaving school around 4-ish, and CK had sent me a text that he had to work late, and would dinner around 8 be ok? I was fine with that, but if we weren't going to go out until 8, by the time we went somewhere and ate, it would be pretty late. So I suggested that I make dinner, and bring it over to his place when he was home for work. He agreed graciously, and I went to the market to get ingredients for the most delicious mac-n-cheese ever tasted. Seriously, it's sinfully delicious. I prepared the dinner, showered, and was getting ready when my phone rang. It was CK and it was around 7, so my hopeful self figured that he had gotten off work early and he was on his way home. Wrong. Quite the opposite. Now he wasn't going to be done work until after 8, and he was way outside the city and wouldn't be back home until 9:30 at the earliest. I was LIVID. I get very short with people when I'm angry at them, and CK was no exception. I was pissed. Not only had I prepared this entire meal FOR HIM, now it was all going to go to waste. Sure I could take some of it to school, and it surely would get eaten, but that wasn't the purpose of picking one of my best dishes to make. He apologized profusely, and asked if we could reschedule for Thursday. I told him Wednesday was the only day that worked for me, and that it was his loss. It was the best mac-n-cheese he'd never have. (I think I actually said those exact words.) I got off the phone and steamed about the situation. I feel foolish when I plan and prepare for something, only to be let down. My friend called me to check on my progress of the cooking, and when I told her that CK had cancelled, she solved my excess food dilemma. She and her husband hadn't eaten yet, and I was more than welcome to bring my delicious mac-n-cheese to her place. I agreed that it was the best solution and I wouldn't be sitting at home moping about not seeing CK. After calming down a bit about the situation, I sent CK a text apologizing for being rude to him. I explained that I was just bummed about having spent the time and money and effort to make dinner, to then have no one to feed. He responded that he deserved my rudeness and continued to apologize about not being able to give me more of a heads up about working late. I wasn't being particularly nice about it still, but I wasn't being awful... and I apologized, that's a huge step for me.

While at my friend's house, we discussed the situation in great length. She let me be mad and call him awful names, and she let me be sad and disappointed about not seeing him. In the end, we discussed that it would be better if I was able to talk to him about these things that night instead of letting them fester. I texted him around 8:45 to see if he was still working. He said he was just finishing up and on his way back to Philly. He'd be home around 9:30. I texted him to tell him I was coming over and bringing him leftovers, despite it being late on a school night.

We both got to his place at about the same time, nearing 10pm. When I got there, he had a present for me. It was beautifully wrapped, with a bow and card as well, which he claims he did the whole thing himself. He bought me a tire gauge, so I can prevent getting flat tires in the city more often. Not the most romantic gift I've ever received, but something I need? Yes. Was he thinking of me to make sure I got it? For sure. This is definitely a step in the right direction. I made sure he had some of my amazing dinner, and we talked. It wasn't too serious of a conversation at first. I let him know that I had been upset when he told me that he was going to have to work late, and why he couldn't have just told his boss that he already had made plans. He said that he had done that, and his boss said that she would call me herself to explain to me that he was not going to be able to make our dinner plans tonight. Seriously, for someone who's not like a high-power corporate exec or lawyer or doctor, he definitely puts in more work hours than I ever would. In the end, it's just a crazy week at work for him. His first full week back from China, a lot of work to catch up on, and not a whole lot of free time.

He asked me if I wanted to stay over and take a nap with him. By then it was nearing 11pm, and any nap then would lead to me staying the night. I hadn't brought any clothes for school with me since I wasn't planning on seeing him when I left my house. I opted to stay over, and get up at 5am to drive back to my parents' to get ready in the morning. In between sleep and making out, we did have some more good conversations - holiday plans, new year's, him coming to my place... all things that say to me this is moving in a direction that is positive. Maybe he's just feeling lonely due to the holidays, and maybe I'm reading WAY too much into all his actions. Whatever it may be, it still feels different than it did a month ago. The BFPE is still there, she still stares at me when I'm in that room. But her presence feels like it's fading, and it's allowing CK and I to be closer. Still - options open, if something else comes along, I'd be foolish not to pursue it. But seeking something new out at this point seems almost spiteful.