Holiday Cheer

Happy Holidays! However, I'm kind of over the whole holiday season this year, I'm ready for 2008. Last night I spent Christmas Day with CK. He had to work during the day, so the plan was to get some dinner later in the afternoon. I headed over in the evening to his apartment, and things were as per usual. We spent a little bit of time in his apartment. He gave me yet another mix cd, and a little present (a candle) that he had picked up sometime during the past week. I guess I should be glad that he's thinking about me, and making these little efforts to show me he cares, but I was rather ungrateful - and I think my exact response when he told me had gotten me another little something was "why?" Anyway, it was a nice gesture all in all.

We went to Chinatown for dinner, because really what else are two Jews going to do on Christmas for dinner. We did try to go to a Middle Eastern restaurant but that was closed, of course. After much driving around and walking into PACKED restaurants, we did find one not on the main stretch of restaurants. There wasn't a wait, and the menu seemed good enough (seriously, it's Chinese food - how bad could it be?). Actually the restaurant we went to was a Burmese restaurant but it tasted the same. Dinner was nothing short of awesome. We split two dishes, had some good Chinese beer (as per CK's recommendation - he had it in China), and discussed books, music, and just life in general. Things at dinner we good. If I could freeze the date right there and have it remain that way, I would.

We went back to his place, smoked a little, played some Wii, and made out for a while. Maybe it was my slight lack of inhibitions due to the weed (I hadn't smoked in years before last night), but I brought up New Year's, even though I knew he had already told me he wouldn't be able to make it to Brooklyn. He was flying in from Boston on the 31st around 7pm, and didn't want to go up to Brooklyn. Understandable... for most people. I took this as a sign that he just clearly does not want to be with me. I also invited him to come "camping" (in a Troop Beverly Hills kind of way) with my friends next month. I had been very hesitant to extend this invitation because the camping trip is made up of a select group of my best friend's friends and their significant others. It is rare that anyone who is not a very significant other is invited basically because if you attend camping one year as a s.o., you are expected to still be in the picture the following years. I have NEVER brought anyone to camping despite dating someone over this weekend the past 2 years. My friend asked me to invite him, and I do want him to go.... but he said no. I really got angry at him and we had what I guess you could consider our very first fight.

I basically told him that I was sick of him using me, although I couldn't really figure out what he was using me for (we don't have sex that often - nor is it worth being used for), and that after 3 months, I needed to know what I was doing. Of course, we can't have this conversation without the BFPE being brought up. He actually referred to her as the elephant in the room, and I replied, yeah, the Big Fat Pink Elephant... and then kind of laughed and he looked at me all crazy, but I didn't care. I still thought it was funny. He was really defensive at first. I told him I thought his relationship with the BFPE was silly, because really how often can they see each other, and (what I didn't say - but should have) that she's clearly interested in women, and he will never be what she wants (unless he becomes a woman?). He was angry at first, and I could see that we wouldn't get anywhere if I bad-mouthed her. I changed my tune then to basically explain that I've been extending my kindness and friendship to him, and I will stop if it is not appreciated/reciprocated/responded to appropriately. I also told him that in all intents and purposes, I am in this relationship as a relationship. I'm not dating anyone else. He needs to be honest with me about when he is going to be seeing the BFPE, and that I really need to be able to ask questions about her/them/the situation when I see fit - and he needs to be honest with me about it.

This is what I've found out: She is coming in January. She was supposed to be coming this week, and he did tell me that he wasn't planning on telling me. They don't talk as much as they used to, only once or twice a week. And I'm not sure over what medium they communicate (text, IM, phone). They have no plans for the future (I knew this). She is in school, finishing up this year, trying to decide where to go for grad school. That may or may not include Philadelphia. If it does, and she moves back here - they would get back together exclusively (this is the part that confused me) possibly, but they may not (Maybe the fact that she likes girls is hindering this decision?).

The whole evening had a quesy unsettling feeling about it. He did tell me that he and I are in a relationship, whatever that means. He went away to Boston for the rest of the week/weekend. I need some time to process what all of this is going to be. He also said he's going to make more of an effort when it comes to treating me like a friend and being a part of my life (he's going to try to come to camping at least one of the days). It's not as trite as this all sounds, although it's one of those conversations that puts a huge damper on the rest of the night. We just went to bed after that. In the morning before he left, things were fine. As I was walking to my car way too early on a day that I don't have to work (but of course he did), he called out that he was going to miss me. I just smiled and waved, and got into my car. I don't do conversations before 8 in the morning.

I'm ready for this year to be over.