The Missing Piece

It hasn't been easy, letting go of this thing I have for Google, and despite how much I know that I'm better off, and that I can and will do SO much better, I haven't let it go yet. I spend countless hours agonizing and analyzing. Speculating as to WHY I just wasn't enough. I've gotten this way before, I've had obsessions that have left me on the crazy side of the spectrum. T is a perfect example, but once he sent me that email, I was much better and able to move on. I knew why he dropped off the face of the earth, I knew why he thought I wasn't good enough, and I was able to make peace with that, and move on. I haven't been able to do that with Google because I just don't know. He never gave me any reasons as to why he wanted to break up besides his depression issues and that he "had been doubting his feelings." Whatever that means. It means you don't like me, yes, I get that... but WHY.

I have been analyzing this with whomever will listen, and more often than not offer me their opinions and/or advice. Today, however, I got better than that. Remember my friend who is marrying the cousin of Google's friend? Well today I learned just one little detail about Google that helped me close the door. Just one piece of information, that's all. And it didn't even come from Google himself, but it makes SO much sense to me now. I'm sure all the pieces were there before, and I couldn't just see them, but this was like the missing piece of the puzzle. After we broke up, my friend asked her fiance's sister what she knew about Google, to see if she could find out anything to help me get over him. I don't think she thought this piece of information was very relevant, until today. So it turns out that Google has been (or was) crazy in love the friend that I met that one day, you know the one who told me all about his mother and the checklist. This is the wife of one of his good friends, a friend who had his first wife cheat on him with one his other friends. Nice, right? That's something Google told me, I didn't learn that today, I'm just putting the whole situation into perspective. So, back to Google being in love with his friend's now-wife. I don't know if he's still in love with her, but remember when I wrote about how he posted on twitter that he is in love with his 2 downstairs neighbors... yes, I think I'm sensing a pattern here. This was all I needed to shut the door on this in my mind. He clearly has these ideals in his mind of what he thinks he wants, and doesn't really give anyone a chance if they are not exactly fitting the mold of what he thinks he "should" have.

He never really got to know me, he just wanted me to be this person who he wanted - and was never really interested in knowing me and everything great I have to offer. This is why he wasn't interested in meeting my friends, but always wanted me to do things/fit in with his friends. This is not the stuff a real relationship is built on. I am an extremely generous and caring person in relationships, and I went out of my way time and time again to make sure Google knew he was cared for by me. Little things, notes, birthday presents, valentine's day presents... all of these things were carefully crafted with him in mind, and not once did he ever consider me, what I might want or need in this relationship. I was filling a space that couldn't be filled by any of the people he actually wanted to fill it, which of course lead him to be bitterly disappointed. Should he have been disappointed in our relationship? Hell no. I know that when it comes to things that people put up with in relationships, in the short 8 weeks we dated, I dealt with a lot of crap that MOST girls wouldn't even consider.

I know that I dodged a bullet here. I am thankful that the relationship ended before I could get really hurt or trapped in a situation that has no good ending. I would never have lived up to that ideal in his mind, and I was already resentful of the fact that he treated me as if I had done something wrong. The only I ever did was not be the exact person he wanted me to be, well maybe he should have let me know what I was up against.

So the missing puzzle piece is in. My mind is surprisingly at ease, and I miss him much less every single time I think about it. I think about him bringing me to this party to meet his friend, how he barely even talked to me that entire night (thankfully my friend was there!), how maybe he was comparing me to her at every turn. It makes sense because if there was a time that I had to pinpoint where things went horribly wrong in our relationship, it was immediately following that weekend. Go figure.

Speed Dating.

I am going to try to keep this blog as short as this date was (Thanks, Deb!), but I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea...

Ok, so it was my first foray back into the dating world after Google. Am I over Google yet? Not completely. Did this date help, 100x, yes!! I had some reservations, yes... but I was definitely interested in getting back in the game again. So my biggest reservation was this guy's age. If you remember back when I started this blog, at a mere 25 years old, I was VERY age conscious. If a guy was just 6 months younger than me, I had reservations. So here I am tonight, going on a date with a guy who is not just a few months younger, but a few years younger. He is only 25 years old. Age is just a number, I know, and I shouldn't let it bother me. I mean, I didn't do very well dating someone who was 35, so maybe I need to go younger - much much younger! It's weird, I've been getting a lot of younger guy attention. The 3 guys I've been talking to are all younger - 25, 26, & 28. Maybe I've been dating at the wrong end of this pool.

Anyway, back to the shortest (good) date of history. I remember posting once upon a time that any date that clocked in at under 3 hours normally didn't warrant a second date. This one was just under an hour and a half, seriously. SHORT. But it wasn't bad. We met up at the Artful Dodger in Old City, I wasn't sure if it was going to be dinner or drinks. I hadn't planned on anything. I wasn't super looking forward to it, but I was going because I knew I had to. We had a couple of good emails, and he fits my type, with the exception of the age. I showed up on the date a little late, there was an insane amount of rush hour traffic getting over the bridge, but I made it only 10 minutes late or so, and he had texted me before hand, apologizing for sending me into the throws of Philly rush hour. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him, he was cuter than I thought from his pictures, and taller than I thought too, both were good signs. He had been at the bar, and I was going to just join him there, but he suggested we get a table.

We ate, had some beers, and talked throughout the entire dinner. It was basically empty in the restaurant, and dinner was very quick. I also ate a salad that was very onion-y, which might have been a bad move on my part. We talked a lot, about a lot of different things, but it was weird too. I wasn't completely ready for the date, mentally, but I laughed a lot, and the conversation was easy to come by, I think. So after dinner, he paid (I offered, I feel especially since he's younger - I should pay!) and we went outside. Apparently, it was raining, but it was barely noticeable. We started walking up 2nd street, I didn't know where we were going. At one point, he turned to me and asked where my car was. Oh. My car. It was a few blocks back from where we just walked past. I was surprised that the date was ending quite so soon. It seemed to be going really well, and then we were walking to my car. I was very confused! Maybe the younger kids do this dating thing differently.

So I was assuming this wasn't going so well for him, and then he says, So we should really do this again sometimes. And starts saying how he'll take the train over to Jersey, since he doesn't have a car. I was kind of taken aback. Part of me wanted to say if you want to do this again, why not just continue the date now? But maybe an hour and a half is his dating limit. Maybe it's better to not rush things, there's no need for marathon dates. He could turn out to be very fun, or he could not really be interested in a second date after all, and just said that. I would go out with him again, but I'm just glad that I had a good date, and who knows, 25 might be the new 35. :)

Oh dating game, it's good to be back.

Compromised.

The blog has been compromised, but as an honest blogger, and someone who is years away from all this drama, I don't really care. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

When it rains, it pours. Right now, my life unfortunately is raining ex boyfriend drama all over me. Not in a good way, either. So, I mentioned in the previous post that I have been spending some time with Mr. Perfect, this was just the beginning of my rain storm of ex-interaction that has surfaced over the past few days.

In the previous post, I wrote that during the play I received an email from my ex's sister... I need to back up, a few posts, and remind you that when I was posting about the potential of meeting Google's mom, I posted about my ex's mom, didn't say nice things, and mentioned that my ex was now married and he had posted about how his family had ruined his wedding. What I didn't post was that I had commented on his post, mentioning that I was proud of him for breaking free of his parents controlling ways, wishing him well, because regardless, he was 2 and a half years of my life, and I do wish him well.

Back to the night of the play, I saw that I had received an email on facebook from my ex's sister. His name was the subject. I felt an all too familiar knot in my stomach, something I hadn't felt in well over 5 years. I could feel the drama seeping back into my life, and if I opened the email, it would be full-fledged back in my life. Curiosity of course gets the best of me, and I opened the email. I should post the whole email here, but honestly, I don't care that much. It was a 5 paragraph email, regarding my post on my ex's post about his wedding, that went on and on about how awful of a person my ex is, how all he does is lie, how his family was actually very good to me, and how my entire relationship with him was based on a series of lies between his family and me, none of us knew the truth. Also, when we broke up it was my ex's idea to box all my remaining things up, put them outside the door, and change the locks - not his family's. At this point, I'm not sure I care whose idea it was, or why it happened. It was 5 years ago. I'm over it. She then goes on to tell me about how his family paid for his new wife's engagement ring, awesome, and all the drama that surrounded my ex's wedding and why they are no longer speaking to him. All of this is none of my business, and really has nothing to do with me. She ends her email questioning why I am on my ex's side now, after he said such horrible/awful things about me, and I should know that he really was nothing but a liar, but did like my mom the best (yay, mom! haha.) Reading this email was a bit surprising to me, because I had been away from all of this for at least 5 years. My ex and I kept in contact a bit throughout the years, probably up until the time when he drove down to my parents house, the last time I saw him, 3 years ago, but it was all very platonic, and I would have never ever gotten back together with him. Despite all of that, I still spent over 2 years of my life with him, I knew him very well, and I don't care who's telling the truth and who is a liar and who said horrible things about me, I want my ex to be happy. I didn't respond to the email, I didn't even think about it, his family issues are NOT MINE anymore.

I went on with my very busy weekend, there's the 3 guys (who are down to 2 right now, I think...) I'm trying to set up dates with, there's getting over Google, there's building my friendship with Mr. P, I have other things on my mind. So, this afternoon, while I was at work, I checked my email, and was just a little surprised to see ANOTHER email from my ex's family. Although this time, it was not from his sister, but from his step-mother. Remember, the one I posted not nice things about? Yeah, so again, that now all too familiar pit in my stomach reappears, but the subject line caught my eye a bit more, "WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU" in all caps, kind of stands out. Really? The step-mother of my ex boyfriend, who did tell me at one point in my relationship with him, that she did not like me in the beginning of when I was dating him (only when I stood by him after he stopped paying the electricity bill, cable bill, etc, and I had just PAID to get our cable turned back on, when the electricity got turned off, and collectors were calling the apartment EVERY DAY, only then did she tell me that she thought I was good for him). Ok, so back to the email I got today. She starts off by apologizing for anything I think she did to me, and mentions something about being controlling, and how she always thought I was a nice girl and my ex's reasons for breaking up with had nothing to do with her or her husband. WHOA. Ok, back up! I went back and re-read the post I had written to my ex, which obviously his family had found. I wrote nothing about his step-mom specifically, just some general comments about his family, said NOTHING about his parents being the cause of us breaking up (I said they were our issue of contention - but they weren't the reason we broke up - it was actually a fairly civil break up before the locks were changed and my stuff put outside, I wasn't happy - he wasn't happy, there was no point in continuing that any longer.)

So, I was kind of confused where this email was stemming from, and I noticed that some of those words sound like what I wrote a month ago in my blog. So I went back and checked. Sure enough, I called my ex's step-mom a controlling bitch, I also mentioned that early in relationship my ex had told me that his step-mom and dad told him to break up with me, which he didn't and was not the cause of our break up. So... is my ex's family reading my blog? My guess is yes, so is this opening the door to more emails? for more drama with my ex's family? If they are reading this, please know this: My relationship with my ex ended 5 years ago, on our own accord - not because he lied to me or because of his financial situation, but because as it sometimes happen, two people just aren't right for each other. And we each moved on. I have long since made peace with that. I wish my ex well, I hope he's happy, and I do not want to get involved in any family drama. The end. (I hope)

More exes resurfaced this week too. There was this guy I dated in college. I met him at my sorority house, one night he was there with a bunch of his fraternity brothers, I think one of them was dating one of my sorority sisters. He was super persistent, and somehow I ended up dating him for a few months. He was never right for me, and when we dated he treated me like crap. I was really young at the time, and foolish, and the more he treated me badly, the more I wanted to be with him. (wait, this sounds slightly familiar - Google?) I remember wasting a lot of tears and nights feeling awful because of him. And he was never, ever nice to me. This was a solid 8 years ago, and I haven't spoken to him in nearly as long. He would occasionally get back in touch throughout the end of my senior year/summer after, to try to get me to hook up with him, but that never happened. I don't remember the last time I saw him, I was probably 21. Well, he friended me last night on facebook. I debated whether or not I should even accept his friend-request, and eventually decided to, figuring it could do no/little harm. Today, I got many posts from him, on my pictures, on my posts, on my wall. It got to the point where my friend texted me to ask me who this guy was! I have no idea what exactly he thinks he'll accomplish by getting back in touch, but I can't believe this was someone I ever wasted my time on!

What's next? My high school boyfriend? There's something to be said about leaving the past where it belongs.

In like a Lion.

Where did February go? I realized this morning, as I was thinking back over the short month of February, that my life right now is not all that different than it was throughout most of my relationship with Google during the month of February, except the past 2 weeks I've known that he didn't want to see me, rather than spending all that agonizing time wondering if it was me or just my imagination. But I'm forcing myself to get past this, and my mind/heart isn't cooperating so much.

This weekend I spent more time with Mr. Perfect than I have in a very long time. Probably not since the summer, when we were still basically dating, just without calling it that, and the line between friendship and relationship was very very blurry. On Thursday night, I came down with a really bad cold, very quickly, and didn't have any meds at my house to counteract it. I posted something silly on facebook about how I would give anything for someone to bring me some Nyquil, and that I was sick, basically. The next day was yet another snow day, due to the impending "snowicane" that never happened, but yet another day of school canceled and the library was closed as well. I had the whole day off, and wasn't really sure what to do with myself.

Around 10ish, Mr. P texts me to see how I'm feeling, and if I got the meds I wanted last night. I responded that I didn't get any Nyquil and I'd like to get out to the drugstore at some point during the day to get it. He says that he's going to shovel out his car, and if the roads are ok, he'll drive up, help me shovel, and he'll take me to the drugstore, because he knows I hate driving in the snow. At the thought of spending the day alone or with Mr. Perfect, obviously, Mr. P wins that one. I agree, tell him I'm getting in the shower, but I'll leave the front door open so he can come in when he gets here. About an hour or so later, I'm showered, dressed, drying my hair, and I hear my dog barking but I checked the door and no one had come in, so I figured he was just barking at my neighbors shoveling across the street. I finish getting ready and look at my front window to see Mr. P has already shoveled my driveway, sidewalk, walkway, and my neighbor's as well. And at the time, he was salting it. It wasn't a huge amount of snow, he might have been there for 20 minutes or so, but the fact that he came over, did all of that, without being asked, without any prompting at all, made me remember what a great guy he really is. But this doesn't blur my lines of friendship with him, just makes me appreciate that he is still in my life.

After he was done shoveling, salting, and clearing my driveway, we went to the drugstore, ran some errands, and ended up having some lunch at Panera. We sat and talked for nearly 2 hours, just about everything. His issues with dating, my issues with Google, things that we wished we could have done differently between us, it was all fair game at lunch. And it didn't seem to make things weird, or uncomfortable for either of us. He has started seeing a therapist for his depression issues, which makes me really happy. I know I can't fix his problems, I couldn't when we were dating, and I can't now, but I'm glad he's finally seeking some help beyond himself. His therapist continually tells him (which he then tells me) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. This makes me happy, because, honestly, it's what I always believed. I pushed him to confront a lot of issues he didn't want to deal with while we were dating. I made him talk to me about things that he would have rather just shut me out of completely. In the end, it didn't matter for our relationship, but I am glad that he recognizes how good I was for him. We talked about letting things go, and he made some sort of comment about how he's never let me go, and I think he won't until he finds someone new. I don't know if it's hard for him to listen to me talk about Google, but he asks, and wants to talk about it. I never bring it up unless he does. Maybe it helps him let it go a little bit, knowing that I don't have those same feelings for him anymore. We hung out for a while, went to see a movie together (I paid, to thank him for shoveling and doing all of that for me, and I had a gift card.)

Last night was the rescheduled show that Google was supposed to go with to see my friend's play. I had the extra ticket, because obviously Google wasn't going anymore. Mr. Perfect had offered to take the extra ticket, and I was ok with that. My friends who we were going up with are probably the closest to Mr. Perfect out of all my friends, we spent the most time together with them, and Mr. Perfect and my friend's husband were pretty good friends while we were dating. I was a little nervous about it seeming like a double date, but we managed to pull it off without any real awkwardness... that is until I got an email from my ex of 5 years ago's sister, (that is something for another post) but it brought up the conversation of all the guys I've dated and what losers they all were. Seriously, my friends who were there with me had met most of the guys I've dated seriously throughout the years, the poker player, the Israeli, CK. They knew them all and of all my exes, the only one they've ever really liked was Mr. Perfect. So we went on a very long tirade about my exes, in front of Mr. P, which was probably a little uncomfortable for him, although we all tried to assure him that of all these guys, he was the best of them. He tried to pay for my dinner, although he had already paid me for his ticket for the show, which I told him he didn't have to because I had bought the ticket for Google and had already counted it as a loss when I wouldn't take his money for it either. But he insisted, so there was NO way I was going to let him pay for my dinner. On the car ride home, I fell asleep and ended up sleeping on his shoulder the whole way home, which was probably the most physical contact we've had in months. It didn't spark anything though, he dropped me off at home, no kisses or hugs, just a sleepy good night at my door. The line between our friendship and our past has not been blurred by recent events.

I know he's really lonely, and doesn't have a group of friends to rely on, and that he misses me and my friends, so I'm not going to shut him out, just because we used to date and no longer do... I can be mature enough to allow him into my circle of friends, and if he starts dating someone and this friendship fades, that's fine. I don't have any hope that things with Mr. Perfect and I would ever be worked out, he's not right for me, and I want so much more than what he's capable of giving. It's weird that I can feel that for him, and recognize the exact same things in Google. Google never gave me what I wanted as a boyfriend, there's no way he would ever be able to do that as a friend... it still doesn't make me wish it were different any less. Although by now, I was hoping to be past it. We have communicated a few times on IM. Nothing substantial, nothing even worth writing about. It's enough to give me that false sense of hope, and yet not enough to make a damn bit of difference.

I am moving on. I have been talking with 3 new guys. I'm trying to muster up the excitement to go on these dates, and get back out there. I know I can meet people, and I know I can go out on a lot of dates, and most will want to go on second dates, and maybe even thirds. But my heart's not in it yet. I'm hoping that March brings everything that February couldn't.

Call it off

"Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at,
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at,
But now we'll never know,
I won't be sad but in case I'll go there,
Everyday to make myself feel bad,
There's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do... " - Call it Off, Tegan & Sara

The camping trip weekend is over, and I'm back home (rather, at my parents' house right now, but home all the same). Of course the weekend did not proceed without any incident, or without hearing from Google. Friday night was by far the best night of the camping trip. When everyone gets to the house, it's a great reunion, most of these people I haven't seen in almost a year, so there is a lot to catch up on. Some of them read the blog, so they had some ideas, but most don't. They had some idea that I had been seeing someone, or had ideas based on facebook pictures, etc. So to make sure everyone was up to speed, there was a whole retelling of the "Google Story." And while every time I tell the story, it gets a little more comical and hurts a little less, it was really fun to see some of the guys reactions. They without a doubt, thought I was crazy, but we got through the whole story up to me leaving Google's house on Valentine's Day, not to hear from him at all that week. Following that, there was much eating and drinking, and by midnight we were all very very drunk. We were in the middle of a rousing game of flip cup, when one of my friends picks up my phone and just asks "whose phone is this?" Immediately, I thought it was because it rang or beeped, but really my friend just wanted to call herself to hear her ring tone on her phone. She handed me my phone so I could call her, and really it should've been put away for the entire weekend. But I didn't, and I checked, no missed calls/texts. I was a little disappointed, but it passed quickly, as I was drunk. I had my phone next to me at this point, and maybe an hour later, still drinking heavily, I looked at my phone, and was SHOCKED to see I had a text from Google. I read it, processed and then decided I needed to share it. So, I promptly announced to the entire room. BIG mistake. The cleaned up version of his sloppy-drunk text was something like this, "I'm sorry about last week. I'm drunk. Hope you have fun in NY. I'm a loser, you will find better. I'm not getting any tonight. going to go puke." Yes. That was the text message that a 35 year old, self respecting(?) guy sent me, at 1 am, a week after we broke up. Well, I had no intention of writing him back, I was too drunk to make a good decision, and at 29 I know this, so I have to assume that if at 35, you don't know that drunk texting is a bad idea... I had to battle some of my friends, some of whom wanted to call him right there - 2 drunk guys talking on the phone to a guy I just broke up with - not a good idea, some who wanted to take my phone from me for the rest of the weekend - a better idea, or what ended up happening - me swearing that I would NOT write him back, which I didn't, and we all move on.

So the weekend progressed, and despite everything, the camping trip is a really good weekend to remind myself of what I really want in any relationship I'm in. The trip this year was a bit different than years past, less people came, different house, we ventured out for a day trip, I set the oven on fire, but all of this isn't what helped me reset this weekend. Being around friends is always a good thing, but being around my friends who have some of the best relationships I've ever seen, really reminds me of what I want, what will be someday for me. It was all I needed to NOT text Google back, because anyone who has any standards is not going to respond to a drunk text at 1 in the morning, when he couldn't care ALL week how I was doing. And that text didn't care how I was doing either, it was, like everything in the past 3 weeks, about how Google was feeling, and to be honest, if there is zero reciprocation, I'm so over it. Except for when I got home... and I was feeling sad, and he was online... so I sent him a message, it said "Got your text on Friday, sounds like you had some kind of night, feeling better?" And no response. Nothing. I waited for a little bit, and he's online, so I know he got it... but clearly he's only interested in communicating when he's drunk and lonely. And I'm not going to mean anything to him, if all he wants is for me to be his late nights or his early mornings. So I cut the ties today. I deleted him on facebook, removed him from twitter and stopped following his tweets as well. Nothing was better when I had to go to his page to unfollow him, and saw all the tweets he posted when he was drunk on Friday night. As one of my wise friends has said to me often, a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Drunk or not, he admitted to being in love with 2 of his neighbors, and as surprised as I was when I first read it, it actually makes a lot of sense. He also posted that he needs someone new this week. That hurt. I still can't figure out why I wasn't good enough.

Am I still hurt? Yeah. Unfortunately. Do I know that I can do better? Yes. A million times over, yes. But it doesn't change how I feel right now. And I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again, I think throughout this all, I thought we might be friends eventually, or things would change, he'd feel better and realize that I would have been so good for him. And he'd realize how great I am.

Longest Week. Ever,

This by far, has been one of the longest weeks of my life, and work wise, it was only a 3 day work week. Sleep is something that isn't coming easy to me, but I go to bed MUCH earlier than I used to. My friend taught me some good yoga breathing tips, which I tried, and it helps a bit to clear my mind when it's racing before I go to bed.

Mornings are by far the worst time for me. Maybe that, and later at night, but I can't seem to figure out why mornings are so hard for me. We hardly spent any morning time together, it was usually me getting up before he did, leaving while he was still asleep, and going on with my day. Or if we did get up at the same time, most times I left almost immediately after. I think it's that it's a whole new day that will end up hurting in some way. Today, I was hoping would be different. I have my yearly "camping" trip this weekend, which I am looking forward to so much. Last year was the first time I ever brought anyone to the camping trip, and due to Mr. P's issues, it did not work out very well for me. I was never intending on bringing Google to the camping trip, even if we were still dating, it would have been too soon. So there's no reason for me to feel without him when I'm on this trip, except my brain doesn't work like that.

I'm still feeling up and down about things. I reposted my Match profile, which never brings anything good initially. I feel like in the beginning when you're "new," you get a lot of winks and emails but it's not really anything substantial. I also signed back into Jdate, but I only have a week or so left in that subscription, and let's be honest, nothing good came of that site. The guy who didn't want me to blog about him was back in touch. He is such a creepster, I can't believe of ALL the guys I went out with in December, he was the one I was looking forward to the most? This is why people on paper are never what they seem in person. He wants to hang out and he's SO pushy about it. Seriously, he was so mean to me on our date and he also lives WAY too close to Google, I'd be thinking about Google the entire time if I went over there. And that doesn't bode well for anyone. But he's interested in going out again. Wonderful. The thing is, every single guy I went out with in December (all 6? of them), all asked me out for a second date. And persisted for a week or two before they got the hint, but I was so head over heals with Google I didn't think that maybe I should've been keeping my options open. Google and I never had any kind of discussion if we were or weren't going to see other people. Maybe I should have. I didn't really feel anything special towards Google until our second date, and not that I want to go back out with all these other guys again, but I'm just saying maybe it would be a good idea to give people more of a chance and keep things open, until I know both of us are on the same page. I think at first Google and I were on the same page, but then something changed for him, and he went back without cluing me in. There is one guy, who might have been part of the original December 8, but disappeared after a few emails. He sent me a text message the day I was at the Franklin with Google, saying he was sorry we lost touch, and he'd like to get together, etc. At first I wasn't sure who it was, because he has the same first name as CK, and so I was confused as to why after 2 years would CK be texting me. But I ruled him out when I remembered I had been talking to this guy in December from Match. So when I reposted my Match profile, I emailed him. If I hear back from him, great. If not, I'm not going to sweat it. I wasn't all that excited to hear from him when he texted me before, so if he drops off again, no big deal. I won't lie, I still have some false hope that I'll hear from Google one of these days, too. It takes everything in me not to email/IM/text to see how he is, how he's feeling, etc. I have to assume that he's fine, and if he wanted to hear from me, he would be in touch.

Here's to hoping that this weekend will leave me feeling restored and happy, I'm hoping for no tears on the trip.

Sad. Happy. Fine.

For the past 3 days I've been an emotional roller coaster. Monday was a wash. I cried for the better part of the day, but spent it amongst good friends and my family. First stop was to my parents' house to drop off more food for my dog, he was staying there because I was supposed to be staying over in Philly from Sunday - Monday, and when those plans were canceled on Sunday afternoon, I was too upset at the time to tell my parents, and go pick him up. He was already there, so I let him stay there over night. The first thing my mom asks, of course, is how my night was. My eyes immediately welled up, and I managed to tell her that we broke up. Now, I'm not saying my mom is happy about this, because she doesn't want to see me upset, but my parents have a dream of me marrying someone Jewish... and well, now that door is open for her once again. I didn't stay long, couldn't really handle it at the time, and left to have lunch/coffee with friends. I hadn't eaten anything in over 24 hours, and forced myself to eat some lunch, which did me no good, because it just made me sick to my stomach anyway. For the past 6 or 7 days now I've been existing on loads of caffeine and approximately one small meal a day (so I don't pass out), my stomach doesn't do well with food & upset. Food = Happy for me. Sad = LOTS of coffee. This may have something to do with why I'm not sleeping well either. Hmm. Anyway, after spending some good girl time, I headed back to my parents where I zoned out in front of the TV for a while, made the mistake of watching the episode of How I Met Your Mother, which I had missed last Monday, and that made me cry. Not because it was sad, but the show reminds me of Google. At dinner with my parents and grandma, I just sat there and tears were streaming down my face, I couldn't even help it. I tried to stop, I've never had this kind of emotional reaction to a break up EVER before. I've been there for friends who have had this kind of thing happen to them, but for me, this was BRAND NEW. And for my parents and grandmother too. I pulled it together, but didn't eat much, since lunch had done nothing good for me. I was zoning out again in front of the tv, when my mom asked me if I wanted any dessert. Oh dear lord, I started crying again. Because dessert reminded me of Google. SERIOUSLY?? Is this the kind of girl I've become?? Is this what happens when someone you really like breaks up with you? I think with all my other break ups I had been way more mentally prepared for them. This didn't take me off guard, I did know it was coming, but I think I didn't prepare myself for it, why should I? We had only been dating less than 2 months, The Bad Kisser was about the same amount of time, and that didn't even affect me in the least. Granted, I didn't really like the Bad Kisser. So, I really liked Google, and he bruised my heart (I refuse to say he broke my heart - because that's a little excessive - don't you think?), and I was sad for an entire day. I had no idea how I would make it back at school the next day. Most people knew, because they read this, or could gather from Facebook posts that not all was well. But there was still the few who would come into my room, with big expectations that I would have some story of my exciting weekend. I only teared up once at school, when I had to tell my co-teacher, other than that, I was pretty much ok. Kids really keep you busy, and they keep your mind off things. And if they think you're sad (and they like you), they are extra good, and sweet. And since we missed school before Valentine's Day, there was a lot of gift giving from the kids, cards and candy, which rather made up for my rather sucky Valentine's Day anyway. My school Valentine's Days are always WAY better than my adult ones.

This brings us to 6th period on Tuesday. I have some fantastic, if not very opinionated, co-workers who I spend my prep time with. They all come from very different perspectives when it comes to giving me advice, and they proceeded to embark on 2 hour tirade which consisted of them completing tearing me apart, breaking this down as to how this whole break up was probably my fault anyway, and what was wrong with me in relationships. Ok, that sounds really harsh, and trust me, most of it was... but I felt really good the entire time we were having this discussion. It helps to see how other people see you, even if the most hurtful things come out. I don't accept criticism. I know. I like to be right. I know this too. I'm defensive. I like to be in control. All of this is nothing new to me, but hearing it from 3 people who see me on a day to day basis, it does open my mind up that maybe there are things about me that I should be dealing with before I jump into the next relationship. Basically it came down to this, What is it about me that attracts the same guy, over and over? Really, Google was just 7 years older version of Mr. Perfect. Parts of his life were more together than Mr. P's, but 7 years ago, he was probably not all that different. I left school feeling great. It sounds weird, but I felt like it was a good break through, and all of this is manageable. I went out to dinner with 2 of my best friends, and I was fine. One of my best friends is convinced that Mr. Perfect is actually "the one" and I just don't know it yet. I don't agree, but it's interesting how set she is on that. We talked, I ate (that made 2 meals for yesterday & dessert, with no tears!), and I went home feeling good and full.

I made the mistake of logging onto Match last night, just to see, my profile is hidden so no one can see if I'm on it or not, and no one can contact me or vice versa. I'm really not ready for it yet. But, I checked and sure enough, Google was already back on and had removed me from his favorites. Well, obviously he would, but just seeing that, made the hurt come back ten fold, and then having eaten such a large dinner was not a good idea. I immediately got nauseous and really upset. I just couldn't believe he was already actively dating, 2 days later. Or at least trying to. I decided it was better to go try and sleep it off than stay up and obsess over it. I slept well until about 3:30, and then couldn't get back to sleep until about 5:30, and my alarm goes off at 6. I was still feeling sick this morning, but I can't let this interfere with my life, so I went to work. First period was abysmal. I couldn't get my head on straight, my students were definitely picking up on my bad mood, putting them into a bad/unproductive mood, and it was not a good class. Thankfully, during my 2nd period break, with the help of colleagues, I got it together and figured out something to do during the next period, which was a good thing because I had my final observation sprung on me, as a surprise right as the period was starting. I knew it was coming sometime this week or next, but I thought because of the snow, it would probably be next. Thankfully all went well, and my final observation as a non-tenured teacher is over! Again, I left school today feeling much better than I came in. No tears today either.

I'm going to be fine. I'm ALWAYS fine. This time though, I actually want to be better than fine. I do want to take my friends' advice and figure out what is it about me that attracts guys with severe depression issues? And why do I want to stay with them through it. Seriously, I can't say that even knowing what I've been through, if Google changed his mind, I wouldn't be interested in trying this out again. KNOWING that he'll have another phase where he'd shut me out, and knowing how hurt that makes me, I'd still do it. That worries me. Because I shouldn't. Because no one in their right mind should care about how another person feels more than how they feel themselves. And that's what it was with Google, for at least the past 2-3 weeks. I was so concerned with his feelings, that I never wanted to tell him how I was feeling about his lack of communication, or that it hurt my feelings when he wouldn't ask me about me, I never wanted to upset him, so I avoided conversations like that. I didn't want to push him. And when I did finally push him, it was because I knew we were going to break up. I'd probably still be sitting around today, wondering what was going on, if I hadn't forced that conversation. I know all this, yet I know that I'd do it again, if he wanted to. That is not fine, and I know that. That's what I need to work on.

Do I think the sad part is over? Not at all. I imagine I'm going to have more bad nights and mornings, and that's part of this process. And I know that there is so much happiness in my life. I am so lucky to have the love in my life, and be able to appreciate it. And for now, I am fine. I'm just hoping sooner rather than later, I'll be better than fine, and back to happy all the time.

Risk

Tonight I took a risk. I knew how it was going to end, and it wasn't going to make me happy. But I had to do it, and after all is said and done, I am glad I did. I obviously had been feeling that Google wasn't really into this for a while, it amazes me that guys think they are being so slick with their feelings, when they really are totally transparent. So was I totally surprised when Google told me today that he'd rather be alone than see me? Not really. Was I really hurt and upset? Yes. Not because it's Valentine's Day, but I was being shut out and it hurt me more than if he had just been honest. I was at the library when I sent him a text, asking if we still had plans, and he responded that he just wanted to be alone. I responded with something, I don't remember what, but I didn't hear back from him. Being at the library, means I'm online ALL the time. It's a good thing I have a job that doesn't allow me to be online all the time, I would never get ANYTHING done. (I don't know how all you people do it!) Anyway, Mr. Perfect was online too, and he was texting me to see how I was. We talk occasionally on IM, and I hadn't seen him since I took him out for his birthday in October, but he's someone who can give me a pretty good perspective from the guy's point of view and from someone who has dealt with these same issues before. He offered to meet up with me after my shift at the library and go for coffee, so we could talk. I agreed, for a few reasons, one selfish one of not wanting to be alone and miserable, and another for actually really needing to talk to someone about what was bothering me that could actually relate to the opposite side.

We had coffee not far from the library, and talked for a few hours. He offered to take me to a movie tonight, so I wouldn't have to be alone, but I opted for being alone. However... when I got home, I was talking to one of my friends, and after a lot of me spewing out loads of nonsense and hurtful things, I realized that I needed to end things with Google. This was not making me feel good or making me happy anymore. I'm not walking around with the smile I once was, instead I'm fighting back tears anytime anyone asks me about him. So, the only thing to do? Force him to talk to me, and break up. I think I knew it was what he wanted too. I mean depression is one thing, but to actively push someone away this way, speaks much louder than just being depressed. So, I drove over to Google's. I texted him before I left, saying I was coming over, regardless of the outcome, we were having this conversation TONIGHT. I called when I was near his place. No response to either the text or the call. However, not only did I find a parking spot on a night where it was near impossible to park ANYWHERE in the city, I found a spot that was facing his house, directly in front of his street. I could virtually stalk him from there, should I need to. Which is pretty much what I sent in the next text, I said, I found a spot on ___ street, and I'll stay here all night if I have to. No response. Half an hour goes by, and still nothing, so I text again... that it's pretty chilly, but I'm not leaving without having this conversation. He texts me back that he's not home, and I should just go home. Well, that just about made me lose it right there. He couldn't see me but he could go out! Oh hell no. So I texted him back that very statement, and he said, he didn't want to talk to me, and I should go home. Well now it felt like it was turning into a power struggle, and I told him that I came here to talk to him, he needs to come home from wherever he is and talk to me. He replies that he doesn't want to. I sent another scathing text that I have done everything he has ever wanted in this relationship, and the one thing I ask for is a conversation, and he can't give that to me? To which he responds that he wants to break up, and has been feeling this way for a while now. Awesome. I text back, come say it to my face. He responds that he will, in the morning, he'll drive over to my house and we'll talk. No need, I respond, I'll sleep in the car, no biggie. (No response from him) I text him that why doesn't he come home from wherever he is, have this 5 minute conversation with me, and I'll drive him back to wherever he is. Keep in mind throughout all of this, I am raging mad. Furious. I'm imagining he's out at the bar with his friends, they're all laughing at me as I'm sitting in my car waiting for him, and they're telling him what to say, etc. I get a text back from my last one (offering to drive him back to the bar once he's done talking to me...), that he lied, he's home, has been the whole time, and he's coming down to let me in. Oh dear. So my rage quickly turns then, I mean he REALLY did not want to see me, bad enough that he was going to lie to me, be REALLY mean to me through text in the hopes that I would turn around and go home. Well I didn't. And in the end, I'm glad I held my ground.

He comes down, and when I say this boy looks like hell, it hardly does it justice. Now I will always think that he is adorable, no matter what, but he hadn't shaved (possibly showered even?) for days, when we got up to his apartment there were bags of food, girl scout cookies... It did not look like a healthy environment. It makes me really sad to see him that way. It was probably the most heart breaking moment of the evening. I wanted to cry for how bad he must be feeling. But I held my ground, didn't even take off my coat or gloves. I made him tell me how he was feeling - he says he isn't sure about his feelings towards me, but right now does not want to continue dating. This is pretty sad for me, because it's been a long time since I've really liked a guy this much, but I'm glad he was honest with me. I can start getting over it and move on. He goes on to say how he wants us to be friends, and maybe someday he'll feel differently... I don't know if I can handle that so much. That sense of false hope, I'm not going to wait around for him to figure out if this is what he wants or how he feels. I'm going to be sad, and deal with it, and move on. I gave him his Valentine's Day present, which was a cookbook that he really wanted, he looked at it on our first date, and we went to the chef's restaurant for his birthday, so it holds a lot of meaning for me about him. And I knew he really wanted it. He got a little choked up, and teary, which of course made me get a little choked up... but I knew I had to leave. He kissed me goodbye, and said he was sure he'd see me sometime soon (I don't know how that's going to happen), and I left. A bit broken hearted, but a bit stronger knowing that I did the right thing.

I would have spent who knows how many days waiting for him to talk to me after this weekend. Yes, I'm sad that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but I don't have all these feelings of anxiety and worry about what will happen next. So, I took a big risk with Google. I put my heart out there, and it got returned a little bit bruised and beaten. But I don't regret a single moment of it, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I will miss him, and I can't imagine getting back out there again. But I know I will, I don't ever stay out of the game for long.

And now for something completely different.

I've been having a really rough weekend when it comes to Google. (A bad 3 day weekend - go figure!) Except this started during the week, and I haven't seen him since I left his house Monday morning, almost a week ago. I've been really trying to be patient with him, but he is completely shutting me out. I was ok with not seeing him during the snow days, it was really bad outside. The roads were awful, digging out was near impossible, especially in the city. By Friday though, I was getting a little antsy, and wanted to see him. Thursday night, I sent him a text to see if he wanted to have some lunch. My school was closed for a third snow day in a row, and he was working from home. I offered to take the speed line into Philly, and meet him somewhere near the train. This would have provided both of us with minimal travel, and we could have spent an hour or so together, despite the weather. Thursday night he responded that he'd be up for lunch, and he'd pick a place close to the train, so I wouldn't have to walk too far. By Friday morning however, the story was different. He had a headache. He didn't want to walk to Center City. He wanted to go back to bed and sleep all day. I was upset, I'm not going to lie. I was really looking forward to seeing him. What does he say?? "I was really looking forward to getting out of the house for lunch." Thanks. So I go about my day, do some retail therapy with my friends, go to work at the library that night. While I'm at the library, I notice Google is online, so I messaged him asking how his headache is. He responded that he slept all day, isn't feeling well, but not really putting anything into the conversation. Doesn't ask how I am. Doesn't ask how my day was. Nothing. I asked him if he was feeling up to going out, and maybe he could come by my place after I was done work. He said no, and said that on Sunday he'd drive over to my place, so I wouldn't have to find parking. Ok, so we still have plans for Sunday, that's good in my mind. I mention to him (which maybe in hindsight was my first mistake) that I was hoping to see him before Sunday, because I've been feeling kind of off about things, and I wanted to talk to him about it. He responds that he's not ready to talk to me and he has a doctor's appointment on Monday night, maybe he'll be ready to talk to me then. Ok, Monday... But now, I'm thinking, what about Sunday?? I respond that I want to do what's best for him, and that I'm not ready to walk away from this, but if he needs me to, I'll take a few steps back. He responds that we'll talk tomorrow or Sunday about it. I say that I'll email him with what I want to say, he says, don't email. So I don't. Instead I write a letter. A really nice heartfelt letter telling him how much I care about him and that I understand what he's going through, if he wants me to be there, I'll be there, and I put it in a really beautiful card. The problem is, how am I going to get it to him? Saturday I work all day, I don't hear from him all day, even though I see he's online all day. It takes everything in me not to message him, and see how he's doing. A few friends came to visit me at the library, so I got to share the card with them, and they agreed that I needed to give it to him before Sunday. So, after work, one of my friends and I drove into Philly, I taped the card to his door, texted him to check his front door, and left. I never heard back from him. That was at 6pm yesterday, and I still haven't even heard from him that he got the card. So, I went out with my friend, had some drinks, and came home and cried. It was a rather wretched Saturday, as far as Saturdays go...

I've been thinking back on how sad Google has made me these past few weeks, it's pretty reminiscent of my relationship with Mr. Perfect. I know depression is a serious issue, but I never really knew how much it truly transcends onto the others that have to deal with it. I broke up with Mr. Perfect because I gave him the ultimatum, get help for your depression (which I was very willing to stand by him, support him through, whatever) or we break up. He chose his depression over me. That hurt. And now I feel like I'm the same exact situation. Almost a year later, and these feelings of hurt and sadness are really prevalent in my life again. And Google is getting help for it. He sees someone for it, so it feels wrong for me to say, well because you're not as well as I want you to be, I'm done. But he seems to be doing that all on his own.

I've decided that if I don't hear from him by the end of today (especially since we had plans today - it really has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, although it makes it slightly more painful), I'm done. I don't need to surround myself with someone else's sadness if they're not even going to let me in to be there for them. I don't need to absorb his pain when he doesn't care how much he's hurting me. So a few giant steps may be coming at the end of today. Next weekend is the camping trip, which couldn't have come at a better time, and by the following weekend I may be out there scouring the market for new matches. I'm not really looking forward to starting over again, but the sooner I can detach myself from this, the better it will be for me in the long run.

Actions Speak Louder.

I cleaned my house. Being snowed in, the impending threat of Google coming to my house in the morning, drinking too much wine, all this played a part of the integral cleaning. So, it only took me a few hours (yes, hours - I have a lot of laundry), but my house was ready for company.

I wasn't originally really going to clean my house. Yes, I talked about cleaning it. But when push comes to shove, I'm all talk. I need REAL motivation to get me to actually clean. Real motivation = someone actually coming over my house. So, on Saturday, I didn't clean. I cooked, and watched some tv, and shoveled snow. I was not cleaning. I came in from shoveling, feeling pretty good. I needed to get out of my house, talk with my neighbors, human interaction is usually what I need when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I had some food and some wine. Ok, more wine than food. I was a little drunk, by myself at home, which was fine, except I was messaging Google, and told him he should come over my house. Despite having not cleaned at all, in my drunken stupor, this didn't seem to matter too much. He was going out with his neighbors anyway, and the roads were not ideal. I did not think he was going to take me up on my offer. So, I invited him over, took a bath, and went to sleep. Not thinking he'd ever take me up on this. At 2:30 in the morning, I got a text that he was coming over first thing in the morning, he'd come over now but he was drunk and the roads were still icy. I had been passed out since about 8 the night before (wine does that to me!) and when I got the text, I responded coolly that it would be fine if he came over in the morning. I was going to go back to sleep and get up at 6 to straighten up, is what I told him. He said he'd be over then at 7. Now, I've been dating Google for over 7 weeks at this point. And while I don't know a whole lot about him, I do know his sleep habits. He does not get up easily, nor willingly very often. He oversleeps all the time, and likes to sleep in late. I wasn't worried that if he went to sleep, drunk, at 3 am, he'd be up early enough to get to my house by 7. So again, I assured him it was fine. I tried going back to sleep, unsuccessfully. So I got up and actually started cleaning my house. My bedroom was the worst - I have WAY too many clothes, and really not enough room all of it. Some of it got shoved in the second bedroom. I cleaned, vacuumed, dusted. It was a cleaning frenzy. But it was done in time. At 6 am, I was pretty much finished, tying up some loose ends of cleaning, and around 9, I finally heard from him that he'd be over by 10. I was still pretty shocked. I showered, dressed, and finished any last minute cleaning that I thought was necessary.

He came over and brought breakfast, which was sweet, especially since I had been up since 3, with no food, just a lot of water to stave off the wine hangover. I gave him a brief tour of my house, and he seemed to like it. It's a great house, I know this, but compared to his spectacular apartment, mine feels a little antiquated. I'm really proud of owning my own house, and being able to support myself, and all of that, but he's been doing that for quite some time, and without 3 jobs! I don't think he's thinking any of this, but these are just some of my insecurities. We hung out for part of the day, he left around 2:30, because he had to do laundry/pack for his trip this week, and he was having people over for the Super Bowl, so he needed to do some cleaning too. I had a youth group event planned to watch the Super Bowl, so I was going to go over to his place after the game. I was hesitant to go over because of the snow, the street parking in Philly was going to be wretched. Originally the plan was I was going to park in front of Google's garage, since his flight was super early in the morning, and I was going to drive him to the airport. He found out later in the day that his flight had been canceled, so he wasn't going to be leaving, which meant I couldn't block his neighbors car in the garage, so I'd have to find street parking on really bad roads, late at night. No thanks. I was going to skip going to his place, since I already saw him that day, and he wasn't going away, I wasn't upset anymore about not seeing him. I got a text message from him while I was at the youth group event that he saved a parking spot for me on the street right in front of his house, so parking wouldn't be a problem. There was still the issue of me having to work the next day (2 hour delay and all, but still), the roads being less than ideal, and not getting over there until 11 at night. I decided that since he saved me a parking spot, it showed that he wanted me to come over enough, so I did. I left the youth group event, went home to let the dog out, then went over to Google's to spend the night. The night was nothing exciting, it was nice. We hung out at one of his neighbor's places for about half an hour once I got there, then went to bed. In the morning, he helped me with my car, because my tires are not really built for snow travel, and doesn't handle very well even in the slightest snow conditions.

I made it home just fine, AND he checked in to make sure I got home alright. I thought that was funny since I had JUST posted that I wanted him to do that, but I think it was again, purely coincidental. Also, I was driving home on snowy roads, he SHOULD be checking in to make sure I get home alright!

As far as this week goes, right now I'm being snowed in, yet again, by myself. I'm not feeling bad about it, mostly because I'm trying to think of this week as if he really was away on business (he decided not to go at all because he wouldn't have enough days in the office once he was there), and I wouldn't be seeing him this week anyway. Communication is still lacking when I don't see him. I want to know that it's not "out of sight, out of mind" for him. Just a little something to know that he's thinking of me occasionally throughout the day. He did add me to his Google family and friends list, so I got my Google Buzz yesterday, which I think everyone will get/has already gotten in the next few days anyway. But that's the most I've gotten from him lately. I mentioned at one point over the weekend that it's been a while since we've gone out. The last time we were out to dinner was for his birthday and that was with his neighbors, not just us, the time before that was the Pour House. He mentioned that we'd be going out on Sunday (Valentine's Day) and that he was off on Monday too, though he never asked me if I had plans or not, so he's just assuming we're doing something. I have work that day, and like the last 3 day weekend, I am off on Monday. I don't want it to be like the last time where it ended with me being disappointed, because we didn't have specific plans, and I hoped for something more.

Hopefully this weekend will be better than the last 3 day weekend, maybe I should try to figure out what we're doing BEFORE the weekend, so I'm not left disappointed once again.

Snow Changes Everything.

7 weeks ago, we were hit with an enormous snowstorm. Record breaking numbers of snow fell, and I was lamenting the state my love life was in (although I had JUST gone on my first date with Google, 2 days prior to that storm). I was feeling sorry for myself, for being single, for not liking how my life was at that very moment, for being stuck inside with just my family while they all had someone. Fast forward one week, and there is a blizzard in Kansas which prevents Google from going home, leading us to our second date, and what I consider to be the actual beginning of our relationship. Fast forward another 6 weeks, and we have yet another snow storm. More record breaking numbers plaguing the area, trapping people wherever they ended up Friday night. Me? Am I blogging this secretly from Google's computer while he sleeps? I wish. No. (and I would NEVER!) I'm home by myself, and I am honestly NOT happy about it.

Maybe I am overreacting. We had plans to go out on Friday night. He was going to meet my friends FINALLY. I've met a lot of his friends, and this is the ONE time I asked him to come to something, mainly because it's the first time we've had something to plan. He was going to come to Debbie's show with my other best friend and her husband, and then Saturday (today), we were going to go snow tubing with his friends, somewhere outside the city. On Thursday, I had a horrible day, wasn't feeling well, and when I came home, he IMed me to tell me that we were expecting a "paralyzing" amount of snow, and he'd pay me back for the ticket I bought for him. Wait, what? I hadn't even sat down yet to process how I would handle the ticket situation, and he's offering to pay me back for his ticket. I was already looking into changing the ticket dates, but I had to wait for my other friends to let me know when was good for them. My friend finally got back to me late Thursday night, and I sent Google a message to let him know that we'd be going to the show at the end of the month instead of Friday, due to the impending snowstorm. He responds with, ok, I'm going to go to my friend's birthday party then. Note, there is NO mention of me joining him, or seeing me at all on Friday. He obviously is well aware of the snowstorm, and that if I don't see him on Friday, there's a good chance I won't get to see him all weekend, until next weekend. I'm not going to let on that this bothers me in the least, and I just say that's fine, and move on. He goes on about his cat peeing all over his bedroom again, and how it will be better the next time I'm there. The next time I'm there? He says, Saturday. I reply - this Saturday or next? And then there is a bit of a miscommunication about what day we're talking about, and eventually ends with his saying, well which Saturday would I like? And of course, I want to see him today, but I knew on Thursday that if it snowed as bad as they were predicting, that wasn't going to be an option. And I told him that. His response, we'll see. What does THAT mean?

I didn't hear from him ALL day yesterday. I sent him a message around 8 or 9, telling him to have fun, but to be careful getting around the city. And I never heard back from him. This upsets me, and frustrates me for so many reasons. First of all, we HAD plans for this weekend. I'm not sure how the snow made it so we had NO plans at all. He's also traveling on Monday for the whole week, so the next time I'll even be able to see him is next Saturday. It's fine if I don't see him for a week, but it feels like I'm putting so much more out there in this relationship than he is. If anything, this has caused me to evaluate the relationship, and is this something that I really want. Do I want to date someone who doesn't check in with me, to see how I'm doing, to make sure I'm safe when I get home (he doesn't, he does tell me to drive safely - when I leave HIS place late at night/early in the morning, but he never texts to make sure I get home alright, which was a huge issue with the bad kisser) Do I want to date someone who doesn't seem all that interested in meeting my friends, when they are a huge part of my life. He doesn't ask me many questions, so I feel all he knows about me, are things I've offered. He doesn't ask me how my day is, when I tell him that I had a bad day, he doesn't ask me why, or show any kind of sympathy greater than "that sucks." I know he's been single for over 5 years. And after time, you get used to just worrying about you, and being in a relationship is a learning curve for both people... and I'm really trying. And the worst/best part of it all? I really like him. 100%, not a doubt in my mind how I feel about him. I can see myself in a relationship with him for a long time. I have no idea how he feels about me. When we're together - I think I know. But as soon as there are days between when we last saw each other, I start to wonder.

So, right now, I'm snowed in. Again. And this time, I'm really alone. Not with my family wishing I had someone to cuddle with alone, like really and truly in my house, with no one here. At this point, I'm not sure what will happen, I'm waiting to see what this snow fall will bring.

20 point checklist.

On Saturday the weather was less than ideal, snowy and the roads were slippery. Yet, Google and I proceeded to go out to his friend's party which happened to be a mere 5 minutes from my house. Probably walkable had it been really necessary. It wasn't, but still. So Google picks me up, and I have my purse and a bag with clothes for staying over his place. He looks at my stuff and says, That's a lot of stuff for a party. I responded that I wasn't being presumptuous but I needed to bring clothes for work the next day, just in case I was staying over. He responded that he had planned on staying at my place, since the roads were so bad and we were so close to my place anyway. Unfortunately for him, that's not an option. My house is a mess. Not like sort of messy. Like a certifiable mess, boarding on the verge of someone calling the show Hoarders on me. Ok, maybe not THAT bad. But you can't see my dining room table. And I have more clothes not in my closet and drawers than I do in. So it's bad. And I'm not going to bring ANYONE into my house like this. I've had PLENTY of time to get my house together, but it seems like every night I have free, I usually end up doing something for work, or going to the gym, or seeing Google. So I really don't have that much free time.

Anyway, we get to this party, where we're greeted warmly by his friends from California. The first thing the wife asks me if we can be friends on facebook, because she feels stalkerish looking at all my pictures when we're not friends. Of course, I agreed, and while we're not yet facebook friends, at least I know she's looking at my pictures. She then proceeds to tell Google that after spending 3 days with his mom (she flew out Google's mom for a work event), she now knows what's wrong with him. I look at him curiously, and ask what IS wrong with him exactly. His friend goes on to talk about his mom's 20 point checklist that she had to go through upon checking into the hotel, and other subsequent idiosyncrasies that she learned about through this visit. A 20 point checklist was what stood out in my mind. I'm not sure that I want someone to come into my house with any potential checklist in mind. Now, I know that Google is not his mother, but apparently according to his friend, it explains so many things that are wrong with him. This makes me nervous. And on top of that, his friend goes on to tell me that should I ever meet Google's mom, that I need to call her first, so she can fully prepare for the enormity that would be that visit. Scary.

I don't have a problems with moms, per se. It's just that I've never dated a guy who had a mom that liked me. To be fair, I've only met the moms of two of the guys I've dated. First was the guy who I lived with, and his was his step-mother. She was a controlling bitch. Sorry, but she was. About 4 months into my relationship with this guy, she and her husband tried to get him to break up with me by telling him that I wasn't good enough and no one would ever love him as much as his parents did. Creepy. I met his real mother once or twice (she lived far away in another state), and she was very nice to me, and supposedly liked me a lot. But that wasn't the family experience I had to experience for over 2 years with this guy. I read recently that my ex is married now, which is wonderful for him. But I also read that his parents ruined his wedding, which doesn't surprise me one bit. He posted how much his parents tried to control his wedding, and make it all about them. It sounds like everything they ever tried to do when we were together. I'm so glad that's not me. My other parental experience was with Mr. Perfect's parents. His dad was wonderful and very nice to me all the time. His mother, well, she wasn't very nice to anyone to be honest. In the year and a half that we were together, I never once saw her hug Mr. Perfect or tell him that she loved him, or anything affectionate that a mother should do. Mr Perfect insists that his mom did like me, she's just like that with everyone. And that very well could be the case. She just never made me feel welcome, or accepted at family functions. His grandma was another story. She loved me, and sent me cards, and baked us cookies. She was great. But when it comes to mothers, I have an 0 for 2 track record.

I don't anticipate having the opportunity to meet Google's mom anytime soon, however, I have to say that in light of the recent information that was given, I should probably make sure my house is clean enough to pass a 20 point checklist sometime in the near future.

Google has promised to stop giving me crap about my house not being clean enough for him to come over. I asked him this weekend if this bothers him, he said it sort of did, but there is a story behind why he doesn't want to give me crap about it. This friend I met this weekend knows this story, and he doesn't want me to know... it has peaked my curiosity enough for me to consider emailing her about it... but for now, I won't. I'll let sleeping dogs lie, but I might email her for that checklist.

Oh Baby.

Last night was Google's birthday. It was a celebratory event as it was also his downstairs neighbor's birthday as well, so his whole house was going out to celebrate both birthdays. I was planning on sending him chocolates to his office on Thursday, but he decided to work from home instead, so I had to send him the chocolates on Wednesday instead. I was very nervous about them getting there and to him, because I'd imagine that the Google offices are huge. But, despite all the odds against me that day (there is another person who works there with the same name, who normally works in the CA office, but apparently was working in NYC this week... and got the chocolates originally!) he did get the chocolates that day (thanks, Rachel!) I did spend a good part of the day worried/stressing over whether or not he got them, since I didn't end up hearing from him until he was on his way from work. But I did hear from him, so I'm not going to stress it.

Last night, I got him a few presents that reminded me of him/our time together, and I think he was pretty appreciative of them. We hung out for a bit then headed over to Chifa for dinner with the neighbor whose birthday it also was. I had been very concerned before the date about payment, because I had no idea how his neighbors handle all this with it being 2 birthdays. Not that I minded paying for his other neighbor, but I didn't know what to expect. So I made sure I had enough cash on me, which I never do, an extra ATM stop on my way was necessary.

Google found out earlier this week that he's going to be an uncle, which is great news. Apparently all but one of his neighbors knew this news, so he decided to tell her at dinner. Instead of saying, "I'm going to be an uncle," as he told me, he says, "My mom is going to be a grandmother." Now, I had heard this news earlier, so I was paying attention, but I wasn't REALLY paying attention. I was just sitting there, sipping my sangria, gauging the reaction of his neighbor to this news. So at first I was confused as to why she wasn't immediately congratulatory, until I realized that she thought that he meant that I was pregnant. I nearly spit out my drink as soon as I realized that was what she thought as she stammered through some strange congratulatory remarks. Which were more like, "Um, wow. That's really great news..." I turned about 10 shades of red, and clarified that I most certainly was NOT pregnant. I was mortified. I mean obviously it wasn't my mistake, but if after 6 weeks of dating, they would assume that I even COULD be pregnant, well, that doesn't really speak well for me in their eyes. Right? The rest of dinner was great. We did end up splitting the dinner 3 ways (covering both Google's and his other neighbor's birthday), so it's a good thing I made the ATM stop on my way! Google, of course, did not want me paying for him. So he kept trying to give me money, which eventually I took some of it, put the rest in his pocket, which he used to pay for the cab ride home. I used what he gave me to pay for lunch today. The rest I will use to buy him some wine for his apartment. I think it's sweet that he didn't want me paying for him, but he could have let me, and I would have been fine with that. Like I've said before, he treats me very well, it's hard to get used to!

I am struggling a bit with how I think Google's neighbors think about me. Ultimately, it doesn't matter to me what they think of me. I want them to like me, but if they don't, oh well. They're just his neighbors... and probably his closest friends that live in Philly. He considers them his extended family, and yes, it does matter if they like me. I wish it didn't. But this is new territory for me, because really I've never dated a guy who has ANY friends. I'm glad that he wants to involve me in his life and introduce me to all his friends (tomorrow I get to meet his friend from college and his wife who are visiting from California). He hasn't met any of my friends yet. The annual camping trip is coming up, last year Mr. Perfect came with me to that. That is the first time I EVER brought anyone to the camping trip. It did not go well. Mr. P was anti-social, and very awkward the entire time, even stormed out one time when he was angry with me/a situation and basically made a lot of that weekend very uncomfortable for me. My friend keeps asking if I want to bring Google, and I'm sure he'd fit in much better, but I'm a little gun-shy to bring anyone this soon. If we were going to the Poconos like we usually do, I'd ask him to come up just for a night, like Sat-Sun. But we're going to a different house, and it's like 5 hours away, which is a lot just for a weekend, too much just for a night. I'm going to see how this weekend pans out, and maybe I'll ask him to come.

We spend a lot of time together, and every time (with the exception of the Monday I overstayed my welcome) has been a fantastic time. I have my reservations, as I think is normal in any relationship, but so far so good. I'm definitely thinking long-term with Google, but I don't know if that's how he's thinking yet.

In Between Time.

Right now, I'm in between time with Google. We just spent a really nice afternoon together. We went to brunch and to the movies. We didn't have plans to hang out today, but yesterday morning when I was leaving I accidentally left my camera there and I need it for school tomorrow, so he said he'd drop it off. I suggested having brunch and going to see a movie since he was already coming out here. During the movie, I was back and forth in my own head about where is this going. I'm trying to not be in my head so much, to not think about the future and just live in the moment and enjoy it... but sometimes in the moment, I ask myself, is this something I want for a long time?

I've mentioned before that Google is not affectionate, publicly. And sometimes even when it's just us, I feel like it's work for him to do things that come naturally to me. Like a hug or holding hands or anything like that, I don't think he thinks to do that instinctively. I think this is something that can be learned.

We went to see Avatar today, which was supposed to be the movie we saw on our second date, but we ended up seeing Up in the Air instead.. which is shorter, and wasn't sold out everywhere at the time. It was a better choice for a second date. A month later, Avatar is still sold out on the weekends, at least in IMAX. I told him I would go over early and pick up the tickets because he was afraid it would be sold out, and I got there 2 and a half hours early, but it was still sold out. So we saw it in 3D instead, which was fine. During the course of this really long movie, we didn't have a whole lot of contact. I would occasionally have my hand on his arm or something, but we weren't cuddling like I'm used to at the movies. This bothers me, but I'm not going to let it stop me from showing affection. However at one point during there was an especially upsetting scene to me, and I normally would have gone to hold the person I'm with's hand at that point, but I didn't want to have to think about my actions on top of my emotions at that point. So since we're not doing the whole hand holding thing... I pulled away, not a whole lot. But I guess it was noticeable. He reached over and held my hand, which may not seem like a huge deal to anyone else, but to me, it was completely reassuring. To me, it shows that he cares about how I feel, and while affection might not be the most natural thing for him to show, he's willing to try.

After the movie, I was a little disappointed because this week is busy and his birthday is on Thursday, so I probably won't see him before then. And we spent a good amount of time together, but it's definitely less than I'm used to (especially after last weekend!). But I didn't want to push it, after the conversation we had last week, I want to give him as much space as he needs, whenever he needs it. I wasn't even supposed to see him today, so I was feeling good that we did spend already 6 hours together. We were leaving the theater and he asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day. I was confused because it was almost 6:30, so the day is pretty much over. I told him I didn't have any plans, and asked what he was doing. He told me that he was going to make dinner for himself and his neighbors, and I was welcome to come over if I wanted. Of course I want to. I know I'm supposed to make him miss me, and not see him every time he wants to see me. But these games are things I'm not good at. So I'm on my way over there in about 10 minutes, for dinner and dessert (L&S, that's for you!), and I'll be coming back home tonight.

My reservations are still there, but I'm feeling the old excitement coming back too. I'm not worrying about how long this is going to last, or where this might end up, at least I'm going to try. I can't change what I went through with Mr. Perfect, but I will use every bit of what I learned to make whatever this is work with Google.

Intuition.

So I was not completely wrong when I felt that something was off between me and Google this past weekend. I don't think it was so much my intuition as it was something that was glaringly obvious. We spent too much time together and he was just desperately itching for some space. That's fine, I just had different expectations. The weird thing is that when we were out tonight for dinner, and HE brought it up (I was not going to say anything!), he mimicked my words from the blog almost verbatim. He said that he could tell I was disappointed and he thought I had different expectations for the day. Um. Yup. Exactly what I wrote. I don't think he's found the blog or anything, but it does concern me that he used the exact same words I did to describe exactly how I was feeling. Clearly I wasn't hiding my feelings very well.

All of this does not come without a whole new set of reservations. Google opened up a bit to me tonight after dinner, which was really nice. I don't feel like we've had many talks that have been about ourselves. I try sometimes, but usually it's unsuccessful. So when he brought it up tonight, I was very pleased with that. I have concerns that it's very similar to the issues I dealt with Mr. Perfect and ultimately what caused us to break up. I feel like I might bring Mr. P's baggage into this tied up with my own some how. I'm really glad he told me, but it definitely threw me for a loop. It was NOT the conversation I was expecting to have tonight. I had planned out the conversation that I thought was the worst possible scenario and this was no where near as bad, but surprising. Now that I know, I can see similarities in behavior between Google and Mr. P. I'm not going to allow this to interfere with something that could be really great, but it's in my mind now, and it's something that will be there until I feel confident that it won't end the same way that things with Mr. Perfect did.

I don't ever want to be in a place where I was a year ago again. I don't make mistakes so I can repeat them, if I learned anything from my situation with Mr. Perfect is that I can't fix someone else's problems. I'm pretty sure despite their similarities with these issues, Google has a few years of experience on Mr. Perfect, and here's to hoping that his coping mechanisms are better in tact.

Tonight ended up being a very good night to get to know Google a little better. I was very nervous/anxious about the outcome of tonight's date. All in all, I'm glad my gut still in this game, and I can trust my instincts. I'm also going to learn from experience and tread carefully for however long it takes. There's no need to rush into this, so maybe a few steps back wouldn't hurt anyone.

Expectations

In school we set expectations for a lesson before we teach it, it helps guide us to where we want our students to go, and we can assess if they actually learned what we wanted them to learn. In real life, expectations are nothing but trouble. I have the habit of keeping my expectations very low, for about a week, and then once things start to progress in a direction I think is favorable, they sky rocket. Which of course only leads me to be bitterly disappointed when things don't work out the way that I want/think they should.

Things with Google have been progressing well... maybe too well? We've been going out, seeing each other multiple nights during the week/weekend, went on a double date with one of his friends last week, he took me to a concert this past weekend. I've been pretty good at keeping my hopes high but expectations low with him. I guess I flipped the switch this weekend, and the expectations shot up a bit beyond my control.

We saw each other Thursday night for the double date. We went to the Franklin Institute for the night sky event they do once a month. It was a great time, very interesting. It was cool to hang out with another couple, I had met them at new year's but I got to talk to them more on Thursday obviously. We went back to his place, I stayed over and left very early in the morning for school. I had to work Friday night, and we had talked about hanging out one or both nights this weekend, since we were both off on Monday. I had to work at the library all weekend, so Monday was truly my only day off. Days off for me are like gold. I don't just spend them with anyone because a full day off is hard to come by with my schedule. When he originally asked me if I was off on Monday, and I told him I was, he responded with an excited "yes!" which I took as a good sign. We didn't actually make plans for Monday, but after that response, I figured we'd be doing something together.

Saturday night we went out in West Chester. A band he really likes was playing, and he was excited to go back there since he hadn't been there in a few years, and he wanted to show me around where he used to live, etc. Seriously, it was like being with someone who was going back to his hometown for the first time in years. He pointed out all the places he used to hang out, his favorite park, the hill he went sledding on when it snowed... All of this from when he lived there when he was 28. But it was the first place he lived in on the east coast, and I'm sure it holds a lot of memories for him. I get that way about Brooklyn sometimes. We went to dinner at a very good sushi restaurant and the band was very good. (I have to say, of all the guys I've dated, we have a very compatible palate - food wise and musically - more so than anyone else so far.) The one area we seem to be incompatible is affection. I'm not an overly affectionate person in public. I like the usual, hand holding, an arm around the other person, a hand on the knee or back. I'm not overly PDAish, but compared to how completely unaffectionate Google is, I might as well be the most overtly affectionate person you've ever met. When we're out in public I get NADA from him. He did kiss me on the street between dinner and the concert, and that was SHOCKING to me. He also put his hand on my knee on the drive home that night, which was also surprising. And that is it in terms of affection that I got from Google that night. When we got back to his place, it's a whole different story, naturally. Night and Day.

All in all, Saturday night was the best night of the weekend. We had a great time, I was exhausted though, but when all was said and done, I thought it was the most he had opened up to me, sharing with me his life in West Chester, and taking me to see the concert. Sunday morning he drove me back to my house because I had to work. He mentioned that he didn't want to ask me to do anything with him on Monday because it was my day off, and I should be able to do anything I want on that day. I assured him that I wanted to spend my day off with him, again, no set plans were made... so maybe I was wrong to assume.

Sunday night after the library and my youth group meeting, I went over to Wegmans, picked up some food for dinner, and went over to Google's. I made a fairly awesome comfort food dinner of grilled cheese (Gruyere) on ciabatta bread with sliced avocado and bacon, paired with a side of tomato bisque soup and sweet potato fries. It was delicious. We watched tv, finished the rest of UP from last weekend, and then started to watch the pilot of this show he's very much into. I fell asleep about 20 minutes in, so I can't tell you much what it's about. We were both fairly tired, so we went to bed, and really just slept.

Yesterday was one month since our first date (I did not mention that to him - it didn't really seem relevant), and to be at the point where we spent an entire night/morning together that may have been passed by a G rated movie slightly unnerves me. Not that I need to be completely physical, all the time, but that's the only time I feel like I receive affection from him. If you take that out of the equation - it's no different than hanging out with a buddy. So, Sunday night and Monday morning lacked affection.

This morning we got up, and needed to get some coffee. He had mentioned making breakfast the night before, so when we were at the coffee shop, I was surprised when he got a cinnamon roll too. He asked me if I wanted anything, but I didn't get anything because I still for some reason thought he was going to make breakfast when we got back. He didn't. We watched Star Wars (because on Thursday night when we were out with his friends - it came up in conversation - he asked me a direct question about it - I had to admit that I have never in my life been able to stay awake long enough to watch the entire movie - I can no longer say that.) and around 1pm, he mentioned that he wanted to go for a bike ride. This wasn't a "let's go on a bike ride together" kind of comment. It was a "I'm going on a bike ride, you need to go" kind of comment. I was very confused because I had thought we were going to spend the day together. It was a beautiful day out. And I can understand him wanting to spend the day outdoors, I did too. We could have definitely done something outside, together. But he made it clear that he wanted to ride his bike, so I left. I hadn't eaten anything all day, I was frustrated that I had planned my day/evening to be in the city (I was going out for restaurant week with friends - so I planned on staying in the city all day and just meeting up with them after... not driving out and back to the city, yet again.) I was very let down, expectations wise. From where we started on Saturday to where we ended up today, I was just disappointed. Even the conversation we had briefly tonight left me feeling like maybe things have shifted a bit, things aren't looking as rosy as they once were, and I'm definitely not all smiles all the time. Oh real life, welcome back.

Smiles for miles

I've started writing this many many times. And no matter how I try to write it - it comes out sounding silly or poorly written. I could give you just the details of my date from Saturday night to Sunday, it was a lovely date. Or I could tell you how incredibly smitten I am when I'm with Google, but how I get nervous that it's all going to change when I leave. That I'm waiting for that other shoe to drop.

Let's go back to after the last date... Wednesday into Thursday, I was on cloud 9. As the day progressed, and I don't hear from Google as often as I'd like, I get nervous. Like maybe he's losing interest, instead of thinking about the rational - like maybe he's just working. I didn't really talk to him at all on Thursday, it was a busy day for both of us, and later on at night we were IMing, but he was DRUNK. I told him it's a good thing I could read inventive spelling after all my years teaching, or else it would have been an impossible conversation. I sent him a text the following morning, but didn't hear from him all day (again... I know, he's working, yet I think of it as disinterest.) I got home from work, and was checking up on twitter (he updates more on twitter than on facebook, it's a better way for me to find out what he's been up to), and I noticed he had a post from late late the night before when he was really drunk. It was about me. And he called me his girlfriend. After a whole day of thinking he was no longer interested because I hadn't heard from him all day, I was pretty happy to read that, but slightly perturbed by its meaning. Is he my boyfriend? We haven't had the DTR... at what point do you no longer need the DTR? We've only been dating for 3 weeks at this point. I think the DTR is still essential. I vowed to bring it up when I saw him on Saturday.

Wednesday he mentioned he wanted to take me "somewhere nice" Saturday night. I have no idea what this means. To Mr. Perfect, somewhere nice was the Olive Garden instead of Applebees, which was fine with me, but I had no idea what somewhere nice means to Google... except I was pretty sure it meant neither Olive Garden OR Applebees. He took me Saturday night to Tequilas. Oh dear lord, it was PHENOMENAL. One of my top 5 meals ever, I think it's safe to say. It was a fantastic night, at one point we had the small dining room all to ourselves. It was very romantic. We had margaritas, shared appetizers, delicious entrees, and dessert. It was a feast! The only time I'd ever be able to afford all that is during restaurant week (which is coming up - yay!), but this was not restaurant week, nor was it cheap at all. It's a different world dating someone who can afford to go to these places, and actually wants to take me to them. When I dated the poker player, who could definitely afford to take me anywhere I wanted to go, he never ever would have even thought about taking me somewhere nice. I always had to plan it. It's nice to date a guy who wants to take me out and surprise me with romantic gestures, big or small.

When we got back to his place, he set up the loft area so we could lay down and watch a movie by the fireplace. It was heavenly. After such a great meal, and an even more romantic setting, I start wondering if this is possibly even real. Seriously, does this happen to people? Does this happen to me??

In the morning, we lounged around for a while before deciding we were hungry, and walked over to the museum area for brunch. He took me to the Franklin Institute (really, just the Franklin now,) we saw the Body Worlds exhibit, a planetarium show, and wandered around the museum a bit. The last time I was there not on a field trip with my students must have been years and years ago, I can't remember the last time I went and actually got to enjoy myself without worrying about 80 kids at the same time. I had a lot of fun.

After the museum, we walked over to Whole Foods where Google got some ingredients to prepare dinner for his neighbors. It seems that every once in a while, one of his neighbors will cook a big meal, and they'll all gather to eat it. It's like a big family dinner - only without the family. It's a very cool living situation. Google made a delicious family recipe of chicken and noodles served in a chicken stock gravy over mashed potatoes (I made those!!) His neighbors came up for a few hours and I got to talk to them some more, although towards the end I was getting anxious for some alone time with Google before I had to head back to reality. I never got to bring up the girlfriend comment or the DTR this weekend, but maybe we don't need it. Maybe once you reach a certain age, these things are just understood.

I have to say that the time the two of us spend together is quickly becoming my favorite thing. I look forward to seeing him so much, and I don't ever want our time to end, it takes a lot for me to finally get in my car and get on my way home. He's inviting me out with his friends more often - he asked me to go out with them tonight but I couldn't make it, and Thursday we're going to some star watching exhibit at the Franklin with his friends. We talked about maybe going up to the city on Monday, although I feel bad making him travel there on his day off... he does that commute so often! I haven't been since October, and I'm itching for a visit. He also invited me to go out with him and his neighbors for his birthday (and one of his neighbor's birthday) in a few weeks. I like that he's thinking at least 2 weeks ahead!

So, this is my life right now. I'm so smiley all the time. Anytime anyone asks me about him, I just get this huge smile on my face and turn a few shades of red. This is so new for me... please, bear with me.