The Missing Piece

It hasn't been easy, letting go of this thing I have for Google, and despite how much I know that I'm better off, and that I can and will do SO much better, I haven't let it go yet. I spend countless hours agonizing and analyzing. Speculating as to WHY I just wasn't enough. I've gotten this way before, I've had obsessions that have left me on the crazy side of the spectrum. T is a perfect example, but once he sent me that email, I was much better and able to move on. I knew why he dropped off the face of the earth, I knew why he thought I wasn't good enough, and I was able to make peace with that, and move on. I haven't been able to do that with Google because I just don't know. He never gave me any reasons as to why he wanted to break up besides his depression issues and that he "had been doubting his feelings." Whatever that means. It means you don't like me, yes, I get that... but WHY.

I have been analyzing this with whomever will listen, and more often than not offer me their opinions and/or advice. Today, however, I got better than that. Remember my friend who is marrying the cousin of Google's friend? Well today I learned just one little detail about Google that helped me close the door. Just one piece of information, that's all. And it didn't even come from Google himself, but it makes SO much sense to me now. I'm sure all the pieces were there before, and I couldn't just see them, but this was like the missing piece of the puzzle. After we broke up, my friend asked her fiance's sister what she knew about Google, to see if she could find out anything to help me get over him. I don't think she thought this piece of information was very relevant, until today. So it turns out that Google has been (or was) crazy in love the friend that I met that one day, you know the one who told me all about his mother and the checklist. This is the wife of one of his good friends, a friend who had his first wife cheat on him with one his other friends. Nice, right? That's something Google told me, I didn't learn that today, I'm just putting the whole situation into perspective. So, back to Google being in love with his friend's now-wife. I don't know if he's still in love with her, but remember when I wrote about how he posted on twitter that he is in love with his 2 downstairs neighbors... yes, I think I'm sensing a pattern here. This was all I needed to shut the door on this in my mind. He clearly has these ideals in his mind of what he thinks he wants, and doesn't really give anyone a chance if they are not exactly fitting the mold of what he thinks he "should" have.

He never really got to know me, he just wanted me to be this person who he wanted - and was never really interested in knowing me and everything great I have to offer. This is why he wasn't interested in meeting my friends, but always wanted me to do things/fit in with his friends. This is not the stuff a real relationship is built on. I am an extremely generous and caring person in relationships, and I went out of my way time and time again to make sure Google knew he was cared for by me. Little things, notes, birthday presents, valentine's day presents... all of these things were carefully crafted with him in mind, and not once did he ever consider me, what I might want or need in this relationship. I was filling a space that couldn't be filled by any of the people he actually wanted to fill it, which of course lead him to be bitterly disappointed. Should he have been disappointed in our relationship? Hell no. I know that when it comes to things that people put up with in relationships, in the short 8 weeks we dated, I dealt with a lot of crap that MOST girls wouldn't even consider.

I know that I dodged a bullet here. I am thankful that the relationship ended before I could get really hurt or trapped in a situation that has no good ending. I would never have lived up to that ideal in his mind, and I was already resentful of the fact that he treated me as if I had done something wrong. The only I ever did was not be the exact person he wanted me to be, well maybe he should have let me know what I was up against.

So the missing puzzle piece is in. My mind is surprisingly at ease, and I miss him much less every single time I think about it. I think about him bringing me to this party to meet his friend, how he barely even talked to me that entire night (thankfully my friend was there!), how maybe he was comparing me to her at every turn. It makes sense because if there was a time that I had to pinpoint where things went horribly wrong in our relationship, it was immediately following that weekend. Go figure.