And now for something completely different.

I've been having a really rough weekend when it comes to Google. (A bad 3 day weekend - go figure!) Except this started during the week, and I haven't seen him since I left his house Monday morning, almost a week ago. I've been really trying to be patient with him, but he is completely shutting me out. I was ok with not seeing him during the snow days, it was really bad outside. The roads were awful, digging out was near impossible, especially in the city. By Friday though, I was getting a little antsy, and wanted to see him. Thursday night, I sent him a text to see if he wanted to have some lunch. My school was closed for a third snow day in a row, and he was working from home. I offered to take the speed line into Philly, and meet him somewhere near the train. This would have provided both of us with minimal travel, and we could have spent an hour or so together, despite the weather. Thursday night he responded that he'd be up for lunch, and he'd pick a place close to the train, so I wouldn't have to walk too far. By Friday morning however, the story was different. He had a headache. He didn't want to walk to Center City. He wanted to go back to bed and sleep all day. I was upset, I'm not going to lie. I was really looking forward to seeing him. What does he say?? "I was really looking forward to getting out of the house for lunch." Thanks. So I go about my day, do some retail therapy with my friends, go to work at the library that night. While I'm at the library, I notice Google is online, so I messaged him asking how his headache is. He responded that he slept all day, isn't feeling well, but not really putting anything into the conversation. Doesn't ask how I am. Doesn't ask how my day was. Nothing. I asked him if he was feeling up to going out, and maybe he could come by my place after I was done work. He said no, and said that on Sunday he'd drive over to my place, so I wouldn't have to find parking. Ok, so we still have plans for Sunday, that's good in my mind. I mention to him (which maybe in hindsight was my first mistake) that I was hoping to see him before Sunday, because I've been feeling kind of off about things, and I wanted to talk to him about it. He responds that he's not ready to talk to me and he has a doctor's appointment on Monday night, maybe he'll be ready to talk to me then. Ok, Monday... But now, I'm thinking, what about Sunday?? I respond that I want to do what's best for him, and that I'm not ready to walk away from this, but if he needs me to, I'll take a few steps back. He responds that we'll talk tomorrow or Sunday about it. I say that I'll email him with what I want to say, he says, don't email. So I don't. Instead I write a letter. A really nice heartfelt letter telling him how much I care about him and that I understand what he's going through, if he wants me to be there, I'll be there, and I put it in a really beautiful card. The problem is, how am I going to get it to him? Saturday I work all day, I don't hear from him all day, even though I see he's online all day. It takes everything in me not to message him, and see how he's doing. A few friends came to visit me at the library, so I got to share the card with them, and they agreed that I needed to give it to him before Sunday. So, after work, one of my friends and I drove into Philly, I taped the card to his door, texted him to check his front door, and left. I never heard back from him. That was at 6pm yesterday, and I still haven't even heard from him that he got the card. So, I went out with my friend, had some drinks, and came home and cried. It was a rather wretched Saturday, as far as Saturdays go...

I've been thinking back on how sad Google has made me these past few weeks, it's pretty reminiscent of my relationship with Mr. Perfect. I know depression is a serious issue, but I never really knew how much it truly transcends onto the others that have to deal with it. I broke up with Mr. Perfect because I gave him the ultimatum, get help for your depression (which I was very willing to stand by him, support him through, whatever) or we break up. He chose his depression over me. That hurt. And now I feel like I'm the same exact situation. Almost a year later, and these feelings of hurt and sadness are really prevalent in my life again. And Google is getting help for it. He sees someone for it, so it feels wrong for me to say, well because you're not as well as I want you to be, I'm done. But he seems to be doing that all on his own.

I've decided that if I don't hear from him by the end of today (especially since we had plans today - it really has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, although it makes it slightly more painful), I'm done. I don't need to surround myself with someone else's sadness if they're not even going to let me in to be there for them. I don't need to absorb his pain when he doesn't care how much he's hurting me. So a few giant steps may be coming at the end of today. Next weekend is the camping trip, which couldn't have come at a better time, and by the following weekend I may be out there scouring the market for new matches. I'm not really looking forward to starting over again, but the sooner I can detach myself from this, the better it will be for me in the long run.