For me.

If you're only interested in reading this blog for humorous stories of dates I've been on (which is ok!), then you might want to skip today's. I didn't write it for you, I wrote it for me.

Yesterday, I raked leaves for hours. And managed to bag 11 enormous lawn and leaf bags, which made my backyard not look like a jungle. This is all very good (despite not how I wanted to spend my first Sunday off in a month). Yet, I do not have a single tree on my property and it was all I could think about as I worked outside. I'm bagging leaves that don't belong to me, it's not MY fault these leaves are in my yard. However, if I don't bag them and get them out of my yard, no one else will do it. This has nothing to do with dating... except it does. It has to do with me doing things for me, and not because it matters if anyone else cares that I do it or not. At the end of the day, I was glad I raked, and glad my backyard doesn't look like a small overgrown jungle anymore, and glad that Dante can get to all his favorite spots without falling knee deep in leaves. So, all of this is good, but if I hadn't done it, no one would know, nor would anyone care.

Somewhere along the way, I seemed to have gotten lost in my life. I can't place where it started or when it happened, but I can't look back on my life and find something that I did for myself that wasn't based solely on what other people thought or would think about my decision. Or at least what I THOUGHT other people would think. To be honest, I don't think most people care. They want me to be happy, and they care about me, but they don't care about the things I do to actually get there. Somehow all this hit me yesterday while raking leaves that are not mine. As I'm raking, I was thinking about all the things I deal with in my life that are not mine, especially in relationships. Baggage that's not mine. Exes that are not mine. Families that are not mine (and not very nice to me). A lot of others' self-doubt and self-worth concerns that are NOT MINE. I realize this makes me sound very selfish, and I'm not. I enjoy sharing my life with others, and helping people with things that are not mine. My job choices show that, my loyalty to my friends and family show that, my ability to make things work in situations most wouldn't even consider shows that... And if it's equal in a relationship or balanced, that's ok. But in my relationship choices, I haven't had that balance and I'm willing to do more that's not mine because I'm concerned about how it will look if I don't. I've been through this before. I'm the girl who moved myself into my apartment in Brooklyn, up 4 flights of stairs, by myself, because I didn't want to ask anyone to help me. Not because I was proud, but because I didn't think anyone would. I've gotten better in most of my life but not in relationships. I've dated guys who I didn't think were good enough for me. Because it was easier than being rejected by someone who I would want to date for me. I care too much about what it looks like rather than what it is.

If I have to be honest with myself, I have never been in love. Nope. Not once. I'm lucky enough to know what being in love looks like, as I have amazing examples of it in my life. I've loved guys that I've been in relationships with, but I know that I was never in love with any of them, at least nothing that felt certain enough, for long enough. This hit me at some point during the summer, when I went to go see (500) Days of Summer in the theater. At the end, Summer says to Tom that she just woke up and was sure (about the new guy) what she was never sure of with him. That hit home, hard. I've never been sure about anything in my relationships. There was a time with Mr. Perfect that I thought I was, but once I realized it wasn't what I was looking for, I stayed in the relationship long past then. I want to sure, I want to know, and "they" say that you know it when you find it... here's to hoping that I'll know.

I want to date someone who is right FOR ME. And until then, I'm not dealing with any more crap that is not mine to deal with.