Days We Remember

At lunch yesterday, I had mentioned that the day before had been my ex's 30th birthday, and when I remembered, I wished him a happy birthday in my head, and moved on. I didn't remember until the drive home, and was surprised I didn't think about it sooner. There are some dates that always will be stuck in my head, no matter how long ago they happened. Anniversaries are like that, birthdays, break-up days too. Days that I don't need to remember anymore, but I do, because they've carried so much weight in the past. I'm looking for ways to shed the connections to these dates, and I wonder how long it takes before you forget. I still remember my ex from high school's birthday, but not our "anniversary," I remember my anniversary with the Israeli, but not his birthday (although, I know they are close...), of course I remember all of the important dates with Mr. Perfect, it hasn't been that long... and none have passed without acknowledgment yet. We celebrated each others birthday together this year, and what would have been our 2 year anniversary hasn't passed yet. I must be mentioning Mr. P a lot in conversation these days, and my friend at work asked me if I missed him. I'm sure it's just the holidays, and that I miss the idea of him, and what we had together - when it was good. I was thinking about the stocking his grandma made me for Christmas last year, and how she held onto it, so that she could reuse it again this year.... Maybe someone else will be using it. I wonder if he used the blue and silver decorations we bought last year for the tree, so we could have a Christmas tree decorated in Hanukkah colors. It's a tough season, no matter how you cut it.

I'm at my parents' house today. All snowed in, with my entire family, including my brother-in-law, and brother's girlfriend. Once again, I'm the only single one. The first holiday season since we broke up, the first snow day, it's hard not to think, was it really so bad? Did I let something great get away?

On days like these, and today is especially tough, I try to remember why we are not together. I remember when he would come over my house and just be miserable, no matter how hard I tried. I remember falling asleep next to him, but wishing I were alone. I try to remember how much I wanted to break up with him before I actually had the courage to give him the ultimatum. I remember when he told me in May that he wanted to get back together, and make this work... and I cried because I didn't want that. I need to remember all of this. I need to remember that the holidays will pass, the snow will melt, and I am going to have exactly what I want someday, with someone who I want to be with.

I just hate waiting.