Now you're finding out I'm a little bit crazy...

So, when I thought about writing this blog entry, I just couldn't find the right way to write it. Here's the skinny: I am strangely drawn to a guy who I don't know. No, scratch that, not even don't know... NEVER MET. EVER. This is the total of the communication we've had: He winked at me (on match), I winked back... didn't hear anything from him for about a few days, so I emailed. He emailed me back, and I followed that up with another email. Then nothing... I may have done something crazy though... Like "research" his name, profession, facebook page... Ok, so I know a bit about this guy, definitely more than I should considering I've never met him. Yeah, I'm THAT girl. How did I get here? So, when I didn't hear back from him, I sort of freaked out, assuming that he knew I searched all his information... and I did the unthinkable. I emailed him, and apologized for it. Actually admitted to stalking his info. What in the world possessed me to do that, I'll never know. But all I know is that I can't take it back, and I can't get this guy off my mind. It's absolutely crazy because I don't know him. At least with other guys I was fixated on before (Like T), I had at least met them, dated them, and THEN reacted this way. I'm not really sure why I feel so strongly, it could be because this guy is the TOTAL opposite of Mr. P., at least on screen. Super social (as opposed to Mr. P's not at all social), someone who enjoys humor, and a human connection. All this opposed to Mr. P's predilection to be miserable for the rest of his life, and no need for any interpersonal connection. I'm sure I've idealized this guy over the top and made him in my mind to be what I want him to be, but no matter how much I tell myself to get over it, and move on, I keep going back to his profile, his pictures, wondering what it is about this stranger that I can't shake. Clearly, the feeling is not mutual here, and I am desperately trying to get myself past this. In doing so, I've scheduled some dates for the coming weeks... I'm dreading them... And it's awful, because I can't seem to muster up the strength to find interest in any of the guys I'm emailing right now. I've been talking to this really nice guy, and we're going out on Saturday, and I wish I could get excited about it. I should be excited. He's cute, funny, interesting, and he WANTS to go out with me. Which is more than I can say for the guy I'm webstalking. I'm not sure what posting this will accomplish, or why I feel the need to confess my indiscretions to the whole wide world... There's something cathartic about getting it out there, I think I hoped that emailing him, admitting what I had done, would be the same, and it proved to be unsucessful. So onto the next try, and whatever it takes. Maybe Saturday's date will prove to be exactly what I need. Maybe getting back into reality when it comes to dating, will remind me that people in person are much better than people on paper (or online). I'm ready to admit that I've made some huge mistakes on this long journey I've been on. I went back today and read all the entries of the dates I've been on/relationships I've had since I've been out of Brooklyn... and from the very beginning with CK to Mr. Perfect, I never had what I want. I couldn't believe some of the things I went through and put up with. Some of the things I wrote shocked myself, and made me laugh. I'm glad I have this journey written out, I can go back and learn from the mistakes I recorded. The good dates and the bad, the truth and the lies... I can remember how I felt at each entry... all the pain, amusement, anger, sadness, happiness, and love. I'm done with lying about what I want... I'm hoping that my next relationship will be my last, and with that being said, I'm not willing to settle for anything less than wonderful. No more making excuses about why someone does or does not meet my expectations. I shouldn't have to change what I want, because it's what I think I can get. So, I guess I'm writing this down, so that when I look back on this, in a week, or a month, or a year, I can laugh about how foolish I was, to feel such things for a stranger, to realize you can't idealize people you've never met, to take things one day at a time, and to maybe cut back *a bit* on my webstalking. Just because I know HOW to find the information (and believe me, it's pretty impressive how much I was able to find out), doesn't mean I should. There's just one more person now who has reason to believe that I am a little bit crazy....

Some exciting news for my loyal readers: The Israeli is planning to come back for a visit this September... and stay with me for 3 weeks or so! YIKES. Stay tuned, there will be more to come. Promise! And here we go again...

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** An update ** (10/09) I saw this guy in person - for real - at a bar in Philly. I don't know if he knew who I was, but I knew who he was, for sure. I mention this to my friend who is with me, and she reminds me that she too was on match this summer, and I may have coerced her into winking at this guy... in the hopes that someone meeting him would help me get over him. Not a whole lot of luck there. It continued throughout the summer (you remember the second email), and my best friend DID meet him, as she was in her cousin's wedding - which he happened to photograph, she did her best to try to convince me that he's definitely not as great as I conjured him up to be in my mind. Back to the bar incident. I was at the bar ordering drinks, and I turned to ask my friends what they wanted, and there he was, not 3 feet away from me. I freaked out a bit, and proceeded to drink way more than is acceptable on a school night. My friends who I was with thought the same, just average. Do I believe there is something greater there? I don't know, I know that as soon as I saw him, I knew 100% it was him. I was nervous, and then very drunk, and I tried to avoid looking at him, which didn't help when we were sat at the table right next to them. And, that's all, it's really nothing I need to fixate on, but I find everytime I start dating someone new (the bad kisser was right after this first happened, but now the ex-wife guy), I compare them to what I think he is. I guess I wish I could just meet him, and figure out what's in my head and what's real. Time will tell, but other than being absolutely crazy, nothing new has occurred. And to think this was just a summer crush... and now it's fall, I'm going to get over this. One way or another!