The Luckiest

"I don't get many things right the first time, in fact I am told that a lot... now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here" - Ben Folds

I know it seems strange to be quoting a love song (and one that brings tears to my eyes every time he gets to the verse about the old man and his wife), and even though I don't feel like the luckiest right now, I do feel hopeful. This song, this quote specifically, I can relate to, since as of late I feel like I've been doing not much but making mistakes! But it also brings me hope. Hope that all these mistakes I'm making might just turn into something good. This is something I never really factored into the equation before, that it's ok to HOPE for something to happen. I used to think it was better to have no expectations and not hope for anything, because then you'd never be disappointed. Well, that didn't turn out too well for me, did it? It seems when I went into things with low expectations, yes, I was pleasantly surprised more often, but I also ended up dating completely the wrong guys because of it! So, now I'm trying something new. Hoping for what I want. Putting it out there, no shame, no embarassment. Because what? I might meet someone who doesn't like me back? I've been through worse. He might not call when he says he will? And then I'll keep hoping that the next one will be better. What could be so bad about being hopeful? I spent so many years being jaded by these guys, and not getting my hopes up about any of the relationships I was in! I re-read the entire blog today, after being so amused by the partial reading of just from when I moved home, and I'm surprised by how wishy-washy I was about the guys I dated (the ones that lasted more than a few dates). I would go from being overly-smitten to being really nit picky and hateful. It was not a pretty thing to relive. And a lot of that is so true to how I felt at the time, too. Of all the guys who lasted at least a month, there was something wrong with each of them in the beginning, and I overlooked that because I was never allowing myself to hope for something better! I'm not saying I'm this over the top optimistic person and believe that I'll find my true love on one of these dates, but I'm going into them all with the hope that this could be a big moment in my life.

I was doing a writing assignment with my kids in summer school, and we were writing about what we're looking forward to, and I wrote that I don't know the exact thing I'm looking forward to, but I'm looking forward to the next big moment of my life. The thing about these big moments is you don't know they've happened until they've past. For example, when I went to go look at my house the first time (for those of you who don't know - I bought a house this year!), I had no idea it was going to be the house I was going to end up buying. I went to see it on a whim, no intention of actually putting an offer on it, I just wanted to look. Well the best laid plans... and 6 weeks later, I am a homeowner. I try to remember what I thought about the house the first time I saw it, what stuck out, what I loved, etc... but it's hard, because I was trying to not get my hopes up about it. I made myself stop thinking about it. And I wish I had allowed myself to be hopeful about it. So I'm going to do the same thing with my dates, I hated that my first date with Mr. Perfect was one that I had dreaded so much. I had so many pre-conceived notions and I was not looking forward to it at all, I had zero expectations, and obviously there was more I could have been hopeful about than I realized. As much as we had our differences, we had a very nice relationship that lasted over a year - my second longest. And whenever I told the story of our first date, I always started with how much I wasn't looking forward to that date. Isn't that terrible? Maybe if I had been a bit more hopeful, it wouldn't have changed the outcome of our relationship, but I'd feel a bit better about putting a year of my life into something I really wanted!

So, I'm looking forward to next big moment. The first date with the guy who makes me feel like I'm the luckiest. I know it's going to happen, whether it be sooner or later, I'm done with the negativity. Today is the official start of my newest dating season, and I am hoping for the best!