Jaded

I am jaded. I hadn't realized my negativity towards dating until I very nearly ruined a good thing. Last night was date #2 with the Quizzo guy from last Monday. He called me 2 days after our date last week, and had wanted to set up a date for this past weekend. But as I mentioned before this past weekend was the annual camping weekend, so the date had to be postponed until after the weekend. We arranged to possibly go out on Monday night when I came back from the Poconos. We talked on the phone Saturday night while I was away and confirmed plans for last night.

The whole date felt like it could have potentially taken place 10 years ago when I was in high school. He picked me up at my house, which is something I haven't had a guy do in a very long time (not counting the last time that CK and I went out - because I don't count that) and we drove over to the movie theater. He had to stop at the coffee shop nearby for some internet use, for something he had to do for work. I was expecting him to take out his laptop and ignore me while he worked, but he was really cool about it. He showed me what he was doing, and even though I didn't fully understand all that he was telling me about supply and demand, it was kind of interesting. It was a small gesture, but it was so open, and I had realized how closed off CK had actually been until something as small as showing me an email and a database from work made me feel closer to this guy on a certain level than I had ever been with CK.

We went to dinner at a great sushi place and then to the movie afterwards. It was still a little awkward physically between us because I don't think either of us knew how the other one was feeling. We eventually moved into a cuddly position during the movie, with his arm around me, and my arm on his leg. Very comfortable, very natural, the whole time. After the movie, he drove me back to my place. We made out in my car for a while sitting parked in the driveway of my parents' house. At one point he made a comment about how he was kind of nervous that my dad was going to come out and bang on the windshield or something. I told him not to worry, my dad isn't the kind of dad to bang on windshields. Besides, at 27 after having lived with a guy before for over a year, and on my own in the city for over two, my dad is going to have to come to terms with the fact that I may kiss a boy or two in the driveway of his house. My date mentioned that he will definitely be the type of father to bang on the windshield of his daughter's car if she is ever making out in the driveway. I didn't want to get into the discussion of my ideas of how I will or will allow my non-existent children to kiss their non-existent boy/girlfriends, so the topic was dropped, quickly. We made out for quite a while, and finally, he really had to go because he had to work early this morning. After we said a rather long goodbye, he left. I noticed as he pulled out of the driveway that his lights were off, and I wanted to send him a text to tell him to turn them on. As I looked for my phone in my bag, it was no where to be found. I was sure that I had it when I left the movie theater and in the car as well. The only logical thing was that it had fallen out in his car.

I tried calling the phone a few times, but it was on vibrate, and I doubt he would have answered it anyway. I had to look up his phone number in my cell phone account under the most recent billing section, and call him from my parents' home phone. I must have called 3 times (left 1 message, explaining the unknown number and why I was calling) before I got a hold of him. He offered to turn back around and bring me my phone, but I didn't want him to have to come all the way back here. He had driven a good portion of the afternoon from North Jersey, and then drove me around all night, so I went to his place. The only thing I was really worried about was him looking in my phone at my sent/received text messages. Not that I don't trust him (or do, he's given me no reason to trust him or not)... but if I were in that situation, I can't promise I wouldn't sneak a peak at them. I got to his house and was expecting him to just give me my phone, and I'd be going home. But of course he invited me in, and gave me the tour of his house. We made out in the hallway and then in his bedroom for about an hour until it really was getting very late, and I had to get home. We made plans to see each other on Wednesday (tomorrow at this point), and he said to me as I was leaving that he'd give me a call. For some reason, and I still can't figure out why I said this, I said, oh sure, I'll hold my breath - very sarcastically.

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew that I should not have said that. He responded with a completely justified and puzzled, what?? And I apologized, blamed it on my extreme tiredness and the fact that we had been sarcastically bantering for the majority of the evening. I am so jaded from dating at this point, I can't stop myself from saying something that I wasn't even feeling at the time. I beat myself up over it for most of the day, and I'm not sure that he even cared that I said it. My friends blame it on CK, and say that I'm punishing this new guy for CK's actions. I think it goes back further than CK. I've been dating, really, for over 3 years at this point. And yes, there were some short lived relationships in there, nothing past 5 months, and each one of them brought down a notch in my belief that guys are honest and don't have ulterior motives in their behavior.

Hopefully, tomorrow's date is still on. A blog name for him hasn't struck me yet, for now he'll just be the new guy. He's really everything I've looked for these past 3 years (despite being a bit shorter than me - something I can live with), and seems to want similar things. I'm hoping I don't screw this up royally.