The Ex-Factor

Not a dating story. An ex-dating story.

I have been in little contact with my most serious ex over the past two years since we've broken up. Not because I think he's a bad person (although we did not end our relationship on very good terms) or because I wish him any sort of ill will, I just think some doors are better left shut. I don't mind having the occasional IM conversation with him, but besides the one time I saw him when I stopped by his apartment over the summer to pick up some of my stuff, I haven't seen him since the day we decided our relationship wasn't going to go any further than it had. True there were a lot of hurt feelings in there, and I didn't WANT to see him for quite a while. This summer was really nerve wracking, I remember, the first time I was going to see him in almost 2 years.

That night was weird for me. It was definitely hard going back to the apartment I had lived in for over a year. It was hard seeing everything that was different, and even harder to see what was the same. It was almost like stepping into a time machine, and transporting myself back 2 years. He hasn't changed much at all. I think he's actually more like he was than it should be humanly possible. We hung out briefly that night, it was mostly me moving about 4 boxes of stuff I still had there (How could I have so much stuff in one small apartment?) and us awkwardly catching up on small talk (family, friends, etc.). Since then, we had a few IM conversations, all of which result in him telling me that he really wants to hang out with me and catch up.

One Friday evening, I got a text message from him, asking me how far from Sheepshead Bay I was... I replied that I had no idea, why? He mentioned that he was going to be there that Sunday, and wanted to come by and see my apartment. Now... I don't mind hanging out with him in neutral territory, but I honestly don't see any reason to introduce him into a completely new area of my life. Thankfully, I was going to be in Connecticut that day anyway, so it was not an issue. Maybe a few weeks later (it was Thanksgiving weekend, if I remember correctly), he IMed me and asked me if I was going home for the holiday. I was, of course, and told him so. He asked me when I was going to be coming back to the city, to which I replied, depending on traffic either Saturday night or Sunday early. He said, well if you come back on Saturday, you can stop by my apartment and I'll take you to dinner. I said something along the lines of "we'll see" and never mentioned it again. The few times we chatted online since then, he's been pretty adamant about us getting together. I told him that I would be home over Christmas and if he wanted to get together, he could drive down here. I had no idea that he actually would.

Today, he asked me what I was doing and truth be told, I wasn't doing much of anything. He mentioned that he had to go to his grandparents' house but then wanted to know if I wanted to get together tonight. I had nothing better to do, so sure... why not. Might be interesting to sit down and catch up, and in my mind there was no chance of anything happening, I thought he understood that too.

Around 7:30 he texted me that a certain movie he wanted to see was playing, and asked if I wanted to meet him at his apartment. I replied that the point was that he was going to come down here, see the dog (we had a dog when we were living together, who now - although he is my dog - lives with my parents.), and we'd catch up. He asked me if I wanted to see a movie down here then... Exasperated, I responded that I hadn't realized that a movie had ever been part of the plan, and I really wasn't in the mood to actually go out somewhere tonight. He was definitely nervous about coming to my parents' house, because he's nervous about seeing my parents. Understandable. If I ever left someone else's stuff outside my apartment like trash and changed the locks on them (after parting originally on amicable terms), I'd be pretty nervous to see their parents too. I assured him that my parents were at a friend's house for Christmas Eve dinner, and not to worry, they weren't mad at him anyway. (Tis true... after telling my parents what happened with my stuff, my dad's first question to me was "well, what did YOU do?" nice, huh?) I think my parents would have liked to see him, although they thought it was strange that he was coming over. But they would not have been mean to him, they just aren't like that. Regardless, they weren't home. So after he texts me that he's on his way, he sends me another text. And this was the one that made me regret ever inviting him over here in the first place, he says "by the way, would it be bad to kiss you?" I read that, and my first thought was YES! But i didn't want to be mean, so I just kindly wrote back that it would be best if we didn't go down that road. Seriously, if I had known he was really going to try something, then I don't think I would have invited him. Feeling guilty, especially after having the whole conversation with D about his ex on Thursday, I was feeling a bit hypocritical. I was talking to D on IM at the time, so I just told him that my ex was coming over... I don't know if that was too much information, and I'm getting the feeling that sometimes I "over share" with D. He didn't need to know what I was doing tonight, and since nothing was going to happen, I shouldn't tell him. But I felt guilty, and like a hypocrite... So I told him. and his response was more or less along the lines of "So?" Yeah, there I was feeling rather foolish, and quite embarrassed for even bringing it up, and not knowing how to continue the conversation from there. I shouldn't have said anything; we haven't had any defining conversations. For all I know, he's dating other girls and I'm allowed to date/spend time with whomever I choose without him knowing about it. I hate that I only really talk to him over IM or texts in between dates, because I can't really gauge how he's feeling/reacting to something... grr. Internet dating.

My ex was here for about 2 and half hours, and we just sat around and talked. I made dinner for myself (offered him some, but he didn't want anything - he's all religious now, keeps kosher and everything.) and even though it probably was Kosher (Vegetarian Pad Thai from Trader Joe's), he wasn't having any of it. So I ate, and we talked. It was kind of like our IM conversations, but in person. We talked about very surface level things, his family, my family, the dogs, my job, his job, showed him pictures from my sister's wedding (which he was at, but we broke up before the pictures came in). All were very safe topics. And then he had to go. He gave me a hug goodbye, and did not try to kiss me.

It's really a relieving feeling when you can spend so much time with someone that you used to have much deeper feelings for, only to be reassured as to why things would have never worked out in the end. My ex is a good person, and I will always be interested and care about how he is doing, but I can safely say that I do not think we will have a friendship that is anything more than a casual acquaintance.