Using the Phone for Dummies

Since coming home from Peru, I haven't been on any dates. But in preparation of the rest of my summer, I have been busy on jdate. I have been chatting with a couple of guys and giving out my phone number quite a bit lately. Apparently, the phone is a modern marvel to some guys who have yet to figure out the proper etiquette on making a phone call to someone they are interested in dating.

Rule #1 when calling a girl you've never met: Introduce yourself
Ok, this may seem redundant in a world where cell phones display your name/number when the phone call is received. However, it's extremely presumptuous to assume that the girl you are calling has programmed your name and number into her phone. I happen to not program names and numbers into my phone until I am certain that I actually like the person and want to speak to them again. This created a problem when one guy called me, and I have spoken to him on the phone one time before I left for Peru. He must have thought that I had his name and number programmed in, because when I answered the phone, he didn't make any introductions, and just assumed that I should know who I was talking to. We had an entire conversation, he was telling me about the lake he was at with his family, and talking and talking... while I was on the other end trying to narrow down the possibilities of who I was actually talking to. That whole mishap could have been avoided if when I answered the phone, he said, "Hey Girl, It's ____" Not very hard, eh?

Rule #2: Don't call and hang up
The other day I was out at the park, and my phone rang. I saw that it was a number I didn't have programmed into my phone, but I didn't really focus on the number. I just answered the call, and the caller on the other end hung up. Strange, I thought. Maybe it was a bad connection. I checked the phone number. Oh. Dear. Lord. My subway stalker is back. Only now, he's hanging up if I answer the phone. Ahhh, reminds me of my Scott Plasky days of calling and hanging up. Hey, it was seventh grade. Not that I grew out of it that quickly! But today, if I were going to call and hang up on someone, I would definitely make sure I at least blocked my phone number before calling!

Rule #3 Do not release bodily functions into the phone
This one SHOULD be a no brainer. I was on the phone with a guy, who likes to call himself the Man of My Dreams (no really, he has called himself that to me probably about 3 or 4 times so far) and I hear these strange noises. It sounded like a bad connection, or weird rustling noises. Then the "man of my dreams" says, "guess which one was the real one." What? I am so confused. "The real what?" I ask. "The real fart" he replies, "there were 3 but only one was real." Um. Gross. Why are boys this disgusting? And not to mention this guy is 27. At 27, no one should be farting into the phone for entertainment sake. If the conversation was that dull that he needed to resort to childish fart humor, well.. maybe it's not even worth taking to the dating level.

Maybe there is a real market for this, I should write a book... The Guy's Guide to Using the Phone: A step by step guide for semi-retarded males dating on the Internet. I could make a fortune.