Call it off

"Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at,
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at,
But now we'll never know,
I won't be sad but in case I'll go there,
Everyday to make myself feel bad,
There's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do... " - Call it Off, Tegan & Sara

The camping trip weekend is over, and I'm back home (rather, at my parents' house right now, but home all the same). Of course the weekend did not proceed without any incident, or without hearing from Google. Friday night was by far the best night of the camping trip. When everyone gets to the house, it's a great reunion, most of these people I haven't seen in almost a year, so there is a lot to catch up on. Some of them read the blog, so they had some ideas, but most don't. They had some idea that I had been seeing someone, or had ideas based on facebook pictures, etc. So to make sure everyone was up to speed, there was a whole retelling of the "Google Story." And while every time I tell the story, it gets a little more comical and hurts a little less, it was really fun to see some of the guys reactions. They without a doubt, thought I was crazy, but we got through the whole story up to me leaving Google's house on Valentine's Day, not to hear from him at all that week. Following that, there was much eating and drinking, and by midnight we were all very very drunk. We were in the middle of a rousing game of flip cup, when one of my friends picks up my phone and just asks "whose phone is this?" Immediately, I thought it was because it rang or beeped, but really my friend just wanted to call herself to hear her ring tone on her phone. She handed me my phone so I could call her, and really it should've been put away for the entire weekend. But I didn't, and I checked, no missed calls/texts. I was a little disappointed, but it passed quickly, as I was drunk. I had my phone next to me at this point, and maybe an hour later, still drinking heavily, I looked at my phone, and was SHOCKED to see I had a text from Google. I read it, processed and then decided I needed to share it. So, I promptly announced to the entire room. BIG mistake. The cleaned up version of his sloppy-drunk text was something like this, "I'm sorry about last week. I'm drunk. Hope you have fun in NY. I'm a loser, you will find better. I'm not getting any tonight. going to go puke." Yes. That was the text message that a 35 year old, self respecting(?) guy sent me, at 1 am, a week after we broke up. Well, I had no intention of writing him back, I was too drunk to make a good decision, and at 29 I know this, so I have to assume that if at 35, you don't know that drunk texting is a bad idea... I had to battle some of my friends, some of whom wanted to call him right there - 2 drunk guys talking on the phone to a guy I just broke up with - not a good idea, some who wanted to take my phone from me for the rest of the weekend - a better idea, or what ended up happening - me swearing that I would NOT write him back, which I didn't, and we all move on.

So the weekend progressed, and despite everything, the camping trip is a really good weekend to remind myself of what I really want in any relationship I'm in. The trip this year was a bit different than years past, less people came, different house, we ventured out for a day trip, I set the oven on fire, but all of this isn't what helped me reset this weekend. Being around friends is always a good thing, but being around my friends who have some of the best relationships I've ever seen, really reminds me of what I want, what will be someday for me. It was all I needed to NOT text Google back, because anyone who has any standards is not going to respond to a drunk text at 1 in the morning, when he couldn't care ALL week how I was doing. And that text didn't care how I was doing either, it was, like everything in the past 3 weeks, about how Google was feeling, and to be honest, if there is zero reciprocation, I'm so over it. Except for when I got home... and I was feeling sad, and he was online... so I sent him a message, it said "Got your text on Friday, sounds like you had some kind of night, feeling better?" And no response. Nothing. I waited for a little bit, and he's online, so I know he got it... but clearly he's only interested in communicating when he's drunk and lonely. And I'm not going to mean anything to him, if all he wants is for me to be his late nights or his early mornings. So I cut the ties today. I deleted him on facebook, removed him from twitter and stopped following his tweets as well. Nothing was better when I had to go to his page to unfollow him, and saw all the tweets he posted when he was drunk on Friday night. As one of my wise friends has said to me often, a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Drunk or not, he admitted to being in love with 2 of his neighbors, and as surprised as I was when I first read it, it actually makes a lot of sense. He also posted that he needs someone new this week. That hurt. I still can't figure out why I wasn't good enough.

Am I still hurt? Yeah. Unfortunately. Do I know that I can do better? Yes. A million times over, yes. But it doesn't change how I feel right now. And I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again, I think throughout this all, I thought we might be friends eventually, or things would change, he'd feel better and realize that I would have been so good for him. And he'd realize how great I am.