Must Try Harder

My roommate says I'm not trying to date this summer. I'm not putting myself out there. And possibly waiting around for 3 days with the Israeli. She's right. I must try harder.

It's been nearly 2 months since a blog about the Israeli, but he has not been off the map entirely. I would've hoped in 2 months time, I would feel differently than I did on the day that he left... but the feelings are still rather strong, and confusing. The Israeli is currently in Peru... and I'm jealous of that in itself. The bad thing about technology and things like myspace and facebook, is that while they allow you to keep up on friends' lives and see what's going on... It can hurt like hell if you find out that way that a guy you may or may not still have feelings for is with someone else.

I thought this was the case a few weeks ago. I was on facebook, and decided to look at the Israeli's page. He had a message on his wall from some girl, and this already irritated me. I of course couldn't see anything on her page, but I tried nonetheless. We had very little contact, the Israeli and I, when he was on the west coast, before he left for Peru. Maybe 2 phone calls, and some text messages and that's it. When he got to Peru, he emailed me and we talking online for a little bit, but there were minimal conversations happening. In my mind, this was over, and I should probably be trying harder to get over him. About a week ago, I saw that the Israeli had changed his relationship status on Facebook to a relationship but it just says "it's complicated" instead of saying that he's in a relationship. Now in my mind, a million possibilities occurred to me. 1) He met someone down there. That surely would be complicated. 2) He got back together with his ex from Israel. I'm not sure why I thought this at all. He had not mentioned her at all, he does have pictures of her up in his profile, but as far as I know they haven't had much communication in the year that he's been here, and they were broken up a while before he came. But irrational minds think irrational things... that's just what mine thought. 3) He meant me. This was lowest on my realm of possibility, but I guess since we had been emailing a bit more in the week leading up to it, I thought there was a chance. I thought the first two were much more likely.

He sends me an email 2 days ago. I had asked him if when he came back to New York, if he was planning on staying here. In his email (which was subjected: Yes!!! - ha), he replied "if by here, you mean with you... " and goes on to tell me that he does want to stay with me when he comes to New York, and that he misses me so much. He also feels the need to tell me that he hasn't slept with anyone since he's been traveling - and he doesn't plan to. He says this is an inner-peace journey for himself, and he doesn't want to sleep with anyone except me apparently, before he goes back to Israel. Of course, when I read this I am relieved and glad to hear that he hasn't been with anyone else while he's been away. But a part of me is angry, not at him, but at myself, because I automatically then think - well of course, I won't sleep with anyone either until he gets back. And thus, closing myself off to a lot of possibility for the summer. I have a month until he comes back, and a lot can happen in a month's time. I have about 5 guys that I've been emailing trying to plan dates with for when I get back from Vegas... and I found myself wondering, should I not go out with them? Of course not, and I am going to try to get together with these guys, but... come August 22nd, I have other plans... So these dates will have to be dates just for dating sake. Which is fine, that's what most of my dates were last summer, I just don't feel like my heart is really in it anymore. The same day he sent me the email, he changed his relationship status. He's no longer in a "complicated relationship" and now there is no status for his relationship. He's not single, not taken, not complicated. I know I shouldn't base a feature on facebook to determine my feelings, but where there is so little contact to begin with, you take what you can get. And whatever this relationship is, one thing is for sure... it is complicated.

In other news, my laptop died the other night. My hard drive literally ate itself, or something equally as unpleasant. I had a final for grad school due the next day at midnight - all my work was on that computer. Remember Mr. Persistent? Well, he's still being persistent, but... did I also mention that he's also getting his PhD in computer science? Boring to hear about on a date, but a life saver when you need computer help. He literally saved me from having a nervous breakdown. Mr. P stayed up until 2am trying to help me fix my computer (which did not happen), and at the very least recover the information that I needed for my assignment. I promised I'd take him to dinner when I got back. So, while I don't look at that as a date... I'm sure he will.

I'm off to Vegas for a week, and shall return to the city at the end of July. Maybe there will be some fun stories to tell from Sin City, but as I'm going with my parents and my very engaged best friend... it might not be likely.