4 hours of my life

I'm pretty sure that when I leave a date and I calculate the amount of time I've spent on the date that I'll never get back in my life, it's not a good sign.

So I had been communicating with this guy for a long time, maybe 3 weeks. And we had exchanged long, detailed emails, very reminiscent of the emails I exchanged with the guy who lived with his ex, except without the humor. I was hoping for the same connection with this guy like I had with the guy who lived with his ex, because of all the guys I've dated this year, he was the one I had the best personal connection with, conversationally at least. So, since this was reminding me of those early emails, I was hoping that our first date was going to be just a good. Unfortunately not.

We met up at the Iron Hill Brewery, which I had been to on a few dates previously this year (Phillies writer & the Bad Kisser), and it reminds me slightly of Google as well... but that's another story for another time. Anyway, we agreed to meet inside, and he was there before me. When I walked in, I recognized him and walked over to him. He says, "hey, I know you!" I guess as a friendly greeting, but no... not really, he doesn't. And he gives me a great hug and kiss on the cheek. It was very friendly and affectionate. It made me slightly uncomfortable, and I could tell he was nervous, so that made it even weirder! So I asked if he wanted to get a table or sit at the bar, and he said a table, so I thought he meant a table in the restaurant. So we stood around for a little bit, I thought maybe he had already put his name in, and we were just waiting. And after about 2 minutes of small talk, he says, so let's go get that table. Um.. ok, and we end up sitting at one of the high top tables at the bar. To me, that's sitting at the bar... but ok. I'm not going to say anything, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference. What does make a difference is that every single time I start telling a story, or say ANYTHING, this guy not only interrupts me, but starts telling a story that I can tell he thinks is related, but has completely nothing to do with what I was talking about. Maybe if he'd let me finish one of my thoughts, he'd see that. But probably not.

We have dinner, and drinks, and the time is passing just fine. Until about an hour and a half into the date. First I think I have something in my hair. He keeps looking at my hair/shoulder instead of making eye contact. It was so bizarre. He continued to do that for the duration of the date, and it was making me self conscious. I don't think I had anything in my hair, and if I did, he should mention it, not stare at it and make me uncomfortable! At that point, I'm just done. I was tired from a long work weekend, and the date started to feel like work itself. That is NOT a good sign. At some point, I'm not sure when, he started talking about past relationships, and bad dates that he's been on. And asked me about some of mine. I know the rules of dating, and if you want something to work out, you DON'T bring up past dates during a date... but I have no intention of making this work, so I'm game. And to be honest, this is the only question I think he asked me all night. No joke, the rest was just him talking about himself... The. Entire. Night. So, I tell him the makeup story (first blog ever!) and the Christmas Eve bowling story, but of course I don't even get through the whole story of that one because he has his own story that is completely unrelated.

After 4 hours of sitting and basically just listening to this guy talk, I was done. I don't even think I made a reference to the time, I just stood up and announced that I had to go. It was rather abrupt for such a long date. But I couldn't take it anymore, I was so tired and felt like I might snap if I sat there for much longer. We walked outside, and it was raining so I said we should say goodbye there, instead of at the car. He asked if I wanted him to take me to my car, which I told him I would be fine, and thankfully a guy came outside at that moment to smoke, spoiling any chance this guy had at making ANY kind of move. So I got the same hug and kiss on the cheek that I got when I first got there, and we parted ways. It was a long date at the end of a very long week.

The weird thing is I think this guy thinks the date went well. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks there is a chance for another date, although his work schedule and my weekend schedule probably won't allow for that happen anyway! For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually grateful that I have a work schedule that creates weekend conflicts.

For those of you who don't know, I'm currently training for my first triathlon. It's just a sprint, but it's something that is taking up a lot of my time, and when I'd rather be at the gym than on a date, that's a sure sign that it's time to take a break. Although I say that all the time, and it never happens. So we'll see, there may or may not be dates in the future. I'm talking to a couple, that may or may not pan out into dates!

In the bag!

So, it's been rather slow on the dating front, but I'm really busy with work (all three jobs are in full effect this weekend, although there will be a date on Sunday.)

This is a different kind of post. Jdate is having a contest to be the next Jblogger! I can do this, I've been blogging about jdates for AGES. or 4 years. but it feels like AGES. I've been a jdate subscriber on and off for years, and have lots of stories. The only thing you get out of this contest is a position as a Jdate blogger, and a free Jdate subscription (my mom's dream come true!) So, what do I have to lose? I'm going to go for it. The only problem I have is I don't know what story to tell, or should I write something new?

Anyway, I'm asking you guys, my readers, people who know my stories, who have been there with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly (!!), which jdate story I should go with? "Jdate does not stand for Jesus date" "Maybe he's born with it" (the one that started it all!) or any of the other ones throughout the years... Or something completely different. Please let me know, either here or on Facebook or Twitter or however you follow me (or in person, if I see you!)

The entry needs to be in by April 2nd, I'll post it here once it's written!

A Perfect End.

A perfect end to a perfect weekend. This weekend was up there as far as weekends go in my life currently. I went to an AMAZING show on Friday, spent time at the beach, had a great time with friends, lots of laughter, smiling and sunshine. Overall, a stellar weekend. However, that's not what this post is about. I never really blogged about the break up between me and Mr. Perfect. As we are upon the anniversary, I thought it was due time I told that story.

One year ago today (as in the Sunday of this weekend - date-wise it was actually a year ago tomorrow) I made the hardest decision I ever had to make. Ever. I knew that things with Mr. Perfect were not going well. It was the day after my best friend's wedding. I was a bridesmaid, and it was, by no bias of my own, a gorgeous wedding. It was probably one of the warmest, most loving weddings I've ever been to, and had the privilege of being a part. As I stood up there, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what my friend has, is what I want. And when I looked out into the seats where Mr. Perfect was seated amongst my parents, other boyfriends/significant others (of people he knew!), and saw him basically scowling at the entire thing, I knew right then, this would never be for us. I had to make a choice that night, do I give up what I want (a husband who loves me enough to profess it in front of a room full of our family and friends, a connection that runs deeper than the words that are spoken, a person who will be by my side in the best of times and the worst of times) or do I break up with him? I didn't fixate on that during the wedding or the reception because there was no way I was going to let him ruin a beautiful day.

After the reception, a lot of the couples were staying at the hotel. I opted to not stay at the hotel for financial reasons, and the drive to the hotel would be just as long as the drive back to my house. Since Mr. Perfect doesn't drink, I wasn't worried about how we were going to get there... so we were just going to come to the brunch the next day from my house. We decided to actually go to the hotel for a little bit, for the after party, and to hang out with some of my friends who had come in from NYC and I don't get to see all that often. I sat and socialized with my friends, while Mr. Perfect stood around, and was miserable as usual. I had mentioned to a friend of mine from high school who was there that night that I had been thinking about breaking up with Mr. P. My friend is dating a girl who has social anxiety, and does not like to be in large crowds of unfamiliar people, and actually was not at the wedding. He really tried to convince me not to break up with Mr. P. When you have a friend, who barely knows your boyfriend, trying so hard to convince you to not do something, well your mind must already be made up. I think both Mr. P and I knew this was coming, we just weren't sure how to get there. Timing sucks, always, with these things. I knew I wasn't going to do it before the wedding, I just didn't know how soon after it was going to happen.

On our way back to my house, Mr. Perfect says to me that he has to go to his parents house tomorrow for his brother's birthday so he won't be able to stay at my place after the brunch. I thought this was a little bit strange, the way he worded it. Because last year, I met his family on his brother's birthday, and I wasn't being invited to dinner this year? That struck a nerve with me, but I was tired, and I didn't want to fight, so I didn't mention it. In the morning, we went to the brunch, which was like a mini reception from the wedding, with all the people who I knew I wasn't going to see until next year's camping trip most likely. I wanted to talk with them, and touch base, but I could feel the weight of Mr. Perfect dragging me down. I had to sit with him, at least until he was talking to someone else that he felt comfortable with, I couldn't move too far away, I had to keep one eye on him, all while I tried to enjoy myself. At one point, I think we were getting ready to leave, one of the other bridesmaids said casually to me, oh so you're going to Mr. P's parents house now for his brother's birthday, right? I was a little confused, I guess Mr. P told her what he was doing for the rest of the day, and failed to mention that I wasn't going. That brought back the feelings from the night before of being uninvited to this family event, and I just was not feeling good. We left shortly there after, and Mr. Perfect had to drive me back to my car which was at my friend's house from the day before. While we were in the car, I asked him why I hadn't been invited to his parent's house for his brother's birthday. I knew his parents didn't not invite me, so he must of just told them that I wouldn't be coming. He responded that he didn't think I would want to come and that I'd be busy. And I responded, but you didn't even invite me... you told me what you were doing, and I wasn't a part of that. At this point we're at my friend's house, in front of my car. He goes to give me back my key, and I faltered, the whole key thing... and I get very upset and ask if this is how he planned on breaking up with me, had he planned to do this the whole time? Some of the other bridesmaids had their cars at our friend's house as well, and just happened to get there at that moment. I told Mr. P that I was not going to do this here, he should go to his parents' house, do what he needs to do, and then come over to my house after so we could have this talk properly.

I had all day to prepare. I cried, a lot. But I wasn't sure how it was going to all pan out. I don't remember exactly how it all went. I remember him saying that he wasn't happy, and I responded that he wasn't ever happy, and his depression was a real a serious thing. He needed to get help. He agreed. I told him that I would stand by him and help him through it, go to counseling with him, if he wanted me to, whatever it takes, I said, if you're willing to get help, I'm willing to work this out. He chose not to. That was probably one of the most hurtful things that had ever happened to me. Then he left. And that's how Mr. Perfect and I ended things a year ago today.

Of course, as you all know, it didn't end there. We had a hard time cutting the ties. We saw each other over the course of the following 4 months, technically "as friends" but there was definitely more than friendship. One night in May, I remember very clearly, he invited me over for dinner at his house. There was a different feel to that night, he was being affectionate, it was the first time I had been at his house since we broke up and all my pictures were still up. The picture of us on his fridge, the frame in his bedroom, all still there. I was very much a presence in his house, long after I had gone. When we were in bed later, he says to me that he wants to work this out, he wants to get back together, he can't stand the idea of losing me. It's everything I wanted him to say, 2 months earlier. He was acting how I had hoped he would act, when we first broke up, but he didn't. And I had been away from it long enough to know that he was NOT what I wanted. So, I did what anyone would in that situation. I cried. Which was not what he was hoping for, of course. We continued to see each other occasionally after that, not as frequently, the last time being the 4th of July. We spent nearly the entire weekend together. And by the end, I was just done. Our relationship had truly run its course. I had no desire to be with him physically anymore, and it was more just going through the motions. We didn't talk for a few months, and I didn't see him again until my birthday.

Over the past few months we have established the boundaries of our friendship. I am very happy to include him in my life as my friend, and I will always be there for him. He was at my friend's birthday party last weekend, and I thought all was fine. He was socializing, and I didn't feel responsible for him. We stayed until pretty late in the evening, and he drove me home. I don't know if I was drunk or not, it was late, I had been drinking, I was tired... I can't remember saying anything that was offensive, or if we ended things on a bad note. I just remember saying goodnight, telling him to drive safely, and exiting the car. He PEELS out of my driveway and speeds off down the road before I even have a chance to make it to my door. I am utterly confused at this point. The only time I've ever seen him drive off like that, not even waiting to see if I get in alright, was after a HUGE blow-out fight we had, the day after my birthday when we were dating. I haven't heard from him since then, my friends texted him last night to see if he wanted to meet up with us at the bar, but of course he did not. I don't know if he's mad at me for something. I can't for the life of me figure out what that could be. This is what I hated about his moods when we were dating, I shouldn't have to be reliving this as his friend. I will continue to be his friend, should he seek that out in me, in a mature reasonable fashion.

So that's the whole story of me and Mr. P from a year ago up to today. Hopefully it clarifies some of the vague references I've made in previous posts about our "less than perfect" ending, and our blurred lines of friendship for a few months!

(Dating is slow right now. I'm super busy - like October/November busy, where it took weeks to set up a first date due to my work schedule!! There is a date scheduled for next Sunday, but I just found out today that my sister will be in from Boston from Sat-Tuesday next week, so I may have to cancel. Maybe just a quick coffee, it's been too long!)

3 Strikes

I can not do this, whatever it is, with the phone guy anymore. He is still JUST a phone guy. We haven't met. We've had multiple good conversations, via text, phone, and IM. We just can't seem to make that first date happen. Wait, not we.... HE. Last Sunday I blogged about how he canceled our bowling date. I was ok with that, and he was really apologetic, and pissed about having to work late. And made mention of wanting to set up a meeting sometime this week. We had originally talked about Monday, but Mondays are bad for me and I had a ton of grades to do, so I suggested Tuesday instead. He was fine with that. I had forgotten that my friend was coming in for a haircut on Tuesday and I had scheduled time to see her and get some water ice with her and my other friend.

Throughout the day on Tuesday, the texts from the phone guy were much less than usual. This struck me as odd because he's usually SO on top of the texting. Seriously, on Monday, we exchanged probably between 20-30 texts over the course of the day. So when I hadn't heard from him on Tuesday by the end of the day since like 9 in the morning (he had called me in the morning to wish me a good day, and to chat a bit on his way to work and texted me in the morning), I was a bit surprised. So I sent him a text, just asking what his plan was for that night. He said he thought he was going to have to work late, so he didn't know. I responded that later would be fine for me since I had forgotten that my friend was coming in for the night, and I wanted to see her. He said he'd let me know. Around 6ish, he texted me and said he was going to have to stay late at work and there was no way he was going to be able to go out. I was pretty sympathetic and was very understanding about him breaking our date, for the second time in 3 days. Work is work. I'm not saying I like it, but I can understand it. When he got home at 9:30, he sent me a text, telling me he had just gotten home and how frustrated he was with work. We talked for a while, and I was almost ready to tell him that I don't want to do this again, when he PROMISED me that we'd hang out tonight. He said, I don't make promises because they are something that I don't break. Ok.... well, I told him that I didn't want to interfere with his work schedule, and that he should just keep me posted on what he thought his day would be like throughout the day. We, again, texted back and forth all day today, and he even said that he was looking forward to hanging out tonight. I had gone out with my friends for St. Patrick's day, and hadn't heard from him in a couple of hours, so I just wanted to know what his plan was. I get a message back that he's on his way to NYC. Um. What? So I asked if it was for work. Nope, for fun, he responds. He then texts me to ask if I am pissed. Which I am. But I'm not going to tell him that. I tell him that he owes me nothing, I'm not pissed, just a little confused. I had only asked that if his plans should change, all he needed to do was to let me know. He said that his friend just called him and it sounded like a good time, so he decided to go, and it just happened 45 minutes ago. Riiiiiiiight. So. I'm done. Seriously, I can forgive plans being broken for work. I can forgive 2 dates in a row being canceled. But when you cancel on me because you'd rather be in NYC getting drunk, yeah... I'm done. I don't even KNOW this guy, that's the funny part. I'm not mad at him, how could I be. I'm mad at myself for allowing him to string me along like this. I would bet money that he will drunk text me tonight. I will bet money that he will call me and try to set something up again. Unless this guy bends over backwards and plans something damn near spectacular, I am not wasting another second of my time or energy on this. It's a joke at this point. When I tell people this, they have to stop me and say, Wait, but you've never met him, right? RIGHT. I don't need a phone buddy. I don't WANT a text friend. I'm looking for a relationship. Something REAL that exists not on the phone. So, 3 dates canceled. 3 strikes and you're out.

While I wait.

I'm waiting to find out if the phone guy is going to be able to make it to our date for tonight. I'm not sure what to make of the whole situation. I get the impression that this guy really does want to meet me, and he wants to see me tonight... but his priority is work right now. I can understand that... but only to an extent.

So, we had plans to meet up tonight. We have talked just about every single day since we first started communicating a week ago. It's only been a week of communication but it feels like so much more based on how often we text/talk. He actually called me at the library on Friday with made up reference questions so I could talk to him while I was at work. It was super slow and I was very bored! He made for good company but still this is all preemptive since we haven't even met yet! He sent me a text this morning with the plan being to go bowling at North Bowl tonight. I'm not a huge fan of bowling on a first date, it's definitely more of a second date type of thing. I agreed and have done bowling both successfully and unsuccessfully as first dates before, and his other suggestion was I go over his house for him to cook us dinner and watch a movie! Whoa, there buddy. That is like... 5th or 6th date territory, not first meeting! No. I opted for bowling, but I get the feeling he's a "relationship" type guy and not a dater. He seems to be doing very boyfriend-y things before we've even met, the texts throughout the day, nicknames, wanting to have nights in before any nights out! Maybe I think more like a dater than a relationship-er. I know it is NECESSARY to have dates before you get into a relationship, but like how Google didn't know how to be in a relationship because he had never had one, maybe I could really get used to a guy to who ONLY knows how to be in a relationship. It's like I've gone from one extreme to the other.

He texts me at the library right before we closed today that it was necessary that I call him ASAP. I asked if I could call him between the library and my youth group meeting, which I had approximately 5 minutes. So I called him, and he goes on about how his boss is making him work tonight at 6, and he doesn't know how long it will go, but would I be interested in meeting up maybe later on - like 9 or 10 tonight? We talked on the phone, and I was very understanding about the whole situation. I think he thought I was going to get all angry or upset, or blow up on the phone or something. I am ok with plans being canceled, I don't enjoy it, but as long as I know, I'm fine. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and just asked him to keep me posted on how it was going tonight, or if we should just reschedule for another night this week. Since it was daylight savings, it actually feels much earlier than 8:30 right now, but I am exhausted! I didn't get home from my friend's birthday party last night until after 4, had to work all day, have a lot to do for school, so I think I'm just going to say no thanks for tonight. He's been texting me updates, but it doesn't look like he'll be done until after 10, and I'm not having any of that.

This makes yet another time our first date has been canceled due to his work. I really do want to meet this guy. And as someone who has a fairly busy work schedule, I should be understanding. the difference is I know in advance when I am or not free due to work, and my jobs don't really have any true urgency that is going to change that schedule. His on the other hand, requires him to be available 24/7, or basically at his boss's every need. He has done nothing but bad mouth his boss to me, although with a kind of respect I don't really understand. I think he thinks his boss is a jerk but he truly respects him, if that makes any sense... Anyway, his last text to me was about half an hour ago, I had said, why don't we just plan for another night, and he responded that he wanted to see how long it would be and added that his boss knew we had plans tonight. That made me laugh. I've never had a boss that could have that kind of control over my social life, nor would I want someone to have that kind of power. I imagine his boss to be this crazy controlling man, who doesn't want one of his most dependable employees to go on a date because it might change his outlook on how important his job is. Wow, I was just cock blocked by a guy I've never met, yet already dislike.

It's highly unlikely that we'll go out tonight. Which is sad, and disappointing, but at the same time, gives me some perspective. Am I going to spend yet another week talking and texting with him? Although I really don't want to, I probably will. It may give me some perspective though on the amount of stock I put on my dates before they happen, right up until the moment I get there.

On a completely unrelated note, it's been one month since things ended with Google. We've talked maybe 3 or 4 times via IM since then. He drunk texted me once. I may have drunk texted him once. (I think I did, but I never checked my sent texts the next day, and now they are gone!) I thought that I missed him, despite knowing how wrong he is for me. However, I've come to the conclusion that I do not miss him, but I miss what we had. He was not a good catch (despite what his match profile might make him out to be!), he's a miserable person, who lacks social skills, and lacks in many other areas as well. He did not care a whole lot about me, despite how much I tried to get him to. I do not miss him. I do not miss wondering if he is going to want to see me. I do not miss seeing him online and knowing that he's there, and CHOOSING not to talk to me. I don't miss wondering if I could be doing something different to make him like me more. I miss being out in Philly, getting to do really fun things, having romantic evenings, sharing myself with someone, becoming part of someone else's life. None of those things are exclusive to Google. I will have them again, with someone who mirrors the same feelings for me.

His apartment, however, will be deeply missed, and hard to get over. That was architectural love at first sight. Sigh.

Danger Zone

2 weeks in a row I've had dates on Wednesday nights, with guys who are much younger than I normally date. It's a strange thing, going from dating someone who is much older and more settled in his life to dating guys who have so much of their plan still to come. The guy from last night is 26, I think soon to be 27, but I'm not sure. We had emailed, and then sent some texts back and forth on Saturday/Sunday, then agreed to meet up this week for drinks on Wednesday night. I wasn't overly excited about the date, I don't know why. There was nothing unappealing about this guy. He was cute, smart, interesting through emails... I just didn't get that connected feeling or excitement leading up to the date. So I went into the date with a slightly uninterested vibe, not sure where this was all going to lead.

We met up at a bar that wouldn't have been my first choice. It was a rather large bar right across the street from 30th Street Station, it's an Irish bar - and it being the month of March, they have St. Patty's events going on every single night. Last night was live music, which made it rather hard to have good conversation. Not a good choice for a first date, but I get the feeling he didn't know any better. Also his choice of seating was less than ideal. He got there before I did (not surprising!) and had chosen a table in the bar area, but it was literally almost on top of another table right next to us. There was a couple sitting so close to us, I felt like we were at the same table - they were on a first date too - which provided even more distraction than the live music!

So, I admit that I eavesdropped on the date going on next to me, because I thought it was hysterical. I don't know that most people can pick up on first date conversation so easily, but I've been on enough first dates to know it when I hear it. The funniest stuff was what the girl was saying. While my date was at the bar getting my drink for me, I was listening to the girl on the date next to me talk to the guy about how she's "so into wine" right now. She made a resolution to drink wine instead of beer (except she has a Stella in front of her, weird.) and she doesn't like the after taste of alcohol. I was bored and I wasn't even IN the conversation. Is this what other girls talk about on dates? Yawn. So, my date returns with my drink and we have good conversation (not about wine, or beer, or any kind of alcohol at all...) that was fairly natural, but I felt uncomfortable with the other table so close. If I could listen in on their conversation, they could easily listen in on mine. The best part was when the girl was talking about how she was "so over 23" Really? and the guy who she's on the date with commiserated that he's not looking forward to turning 27. And how 30 is just looming around the corner for him. Oh. dear. lord. So here I am, on a date with a 26 year old, next to a 26 year old and 23 year old. I'm the granny of this bunch!

The date wrapped up after 2 hours, I had only put 2 hours of quarters in my meter, and needed to get to my car before I got a ticket because I apparently parked on the one street that has meters that run until midnight! It was a good time to go though, 2 hours was more than enough. I still hadn't rallied up any feelings towards this guy that would make me want to see him again. There's no reason why I wouldn't, I just don't think there's any interest there. I'm not sure if it was mutual or not. (because I know your curious: The other first date lasted much longer than mine - they were there before we got there, and still there when we left!) He walked me to my car, even though it was parked far away from where he parked. I offered to drive him back to his car, but he declined the offer. He gave me a hug, there was the obligatory parting remarks of "this was fun, we should do it again sometime." and agreement (I never know what to say to that!) And I ended my 2nd Wednesday night date, heading home.

Those of you who have been following the fan page on Facebook (if you're not a fan, there's a link below!), know that there's another guy in the works. Someone who I am REALLY excited about. Here's some back story on him. He winked at me on Match, back in November when he first moved into Philly. I don't remember if I didn't wink back, or if we never emailed for whatever reason, but I know we never connected through any kind of real communication. Sunday night, I saw his profile online over the weekend, and I vaguely remembered our connection from before (his profile is more wordy than mine - if you can imagine!) so I winked at him. Within an hour, he had winked back AND emailed me. We sent 3 emails back and forth that night, and finally it was late, so I gave him my cell phone number (expecting him to call in a day or so) and started getting ready to go to bed. He sends me a text that was just the lyric to one of my all time favorite Beatles songs. I responded that it was one of my favorites, and a good call on his part. He responds that it's HIS favorite, and how strange is that? We ended up texting back and forth for a good hour and a half that night, and potentially set up a date for Tuesday. He was going to call me on Monday to confirm, but Monday came and went and I didn't hear from him until very late. It was almost 10:30 when he finally texted me to tell me that he had been at work until 9:45, he was so exhausted, and could we talk tomorrow? Of course. I was a little bummed that the date was not going to happen, but I understand busy work schedules, as mine gets in the way ALL the time! On Tuesday, I was pleasantly surprised to get a text from him which he had sent around 8am, just wishing me a good day. I responded and again we texted back and forth throughout the day. Tuesday night, we're supposed to talk, but he has to work late again, and is exhausted. At this point, I'm a little tired of the texting and not setting up a date, and wondering if this guy has any real interest in meeting me at all. So when he texts me that he's tired and we'll talk tomorrow, I respond with something pseudo witty/snarky about how that's the 2nd night in a row he's done that. He immediately apologizes, and I do believe that he was just truly exhausted. I mention that I won't be around because I'm going out for drinks the following night (I don't mention that it's on a date...) so we probably won't get to talk. He says he's over the texting thing, I agree. So, am I more than a little surprised when he sends me a text to check in with me the next day to see how my day is going? Yes. We text a little bit, but with my school/gym/date schedule, I was less responsive. After I got home from my date, I checked in to see if he was still awake, and if he wanted to talk. He called me, and although it breaks ALL my pre-dating rules, we talked on the phone for 2 and a half hours. He's so much different than I would expect. We have a lot in common. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up, because before a date, that's really dangerous (like photographer-dangerous!) He called me this morning, to wish me a good day, and to talk some more. We could have probably talked for another 2.5 hours if I hadn't been walking into school! And of course, we were sending texts back and forth most of the day. We are going out this weekend, either Friday night after the library, or Sunday. Either way, I need to turn it down a little bit! He is really sweet, and we have a lot to talk about... but if it gets too built up before we meet, I'm afraid it will be bitterly disappointing for one or both of us!

The Missing Piece

It hasn't been easy, letting go of this thing I have for Google, and despite how much I know that I'm better off, and that I can and will do SO much better, I haven't let it go yet. I spend countless hours agonizing and analyzing. Speculating as to WHY I just wasn't enough. I've gotten this way before, I've had obsessions that have left me on the crazy side of the spectrum. T is a perfect example, but once he sent me that email, I was much better and able to move on. I knew why he dropped off the face of the earth, I knew why he thought I wasn't good enough, and I was able to make peace with that, and move on. I haven't been able to do that with Google because I just don't know. He never gave me any reasons as to why he wanted to break up besides his depression issues and that he "had been doubting his feelings." Whatever that means. It means you don't like me, yes, I get that... but WHY.

I have been analyzing this with whomever will listen, and more often than not offer me their opinions and/or advice. Today, however, I got better than that. Remember my friend who is marrying the cousin of Google's friend? Well today I learned just one little detail about Google that helped me close the door. Just one piece of information, that's all. And it didn't even come from Google himself, but it makes SO much sense to me now. I'm sure all the pieces were there before, and I couldn't just see them, but this was like the missing piece of the puzzle. After we broke up, my friend asked her fiance's sister what she knew about Google, to see if she could find out anything to help me get over him. I don't think she thought this piece of information was very relevant, until today. So it turns out that Google has been (or was) crazy in love the friend that I met that one day, you know the one who told me all about his mother and the checklist. This is the wife of one of his good friends, a friend who had his first wife cheat on him with one his other friends. Nice, right? That's something Google told me, I didn't learn that today, I'm just putting the whole situation into perspective. So, back to Google being in love with his friend's now-wife. I don't know if he's still in love with her, but remember when I wrote about how he posted on twitter that he is in love with his 2 downstairs neighbors... yes, I think I'm sensing a pattern here. This was all I needed to shut the door on this in my mind. He clearly has these ideals in his mind of what he thinks he wants, and doesn't really give anyone a chance if they are not exactly fitting the mold of what he thinks he "should" have.

He never really got to know me, he just wanted me to be this person who he wanted - and was never really interested in knowing me and everything great I have to offer. This is why he wasn't interested in meeting my friends, but always wanted me to do things/fit in with his friends. This is not the stuff a real relationship is built on. I am an extremely generous and caring person in relationships, and I went out of my way time and time again to make sure Google knew he was cared for by me. Little things, notes, birthday presents, valentine's day presents... all of these things were carefully crafted with him in mind, and not once did he ever consider me, what I might want or need in this relationship. I was filling a space that couldn't be filled by any of the people he actually wanted to fill it, which of course lead him to be bitterly disappointed. Should he have been disappointed in our relationship? Hell no. I know that when it comes to things that people put up with in relationships, in the short 8 weeks we dated, I dealt with a lot of crap that MOST girls wouldn't even consider.

I know that I dodged a bullet here. I am thankful that the relationship ended before I could get really hurt or trapped in a situation that has no good ending. I would never have lived up to that ideal in his mind, and I was already resentful of the fact that he treated me as if I had done something wrong. The only I ever did was not be the exact person he wanted me to be, well maybe he should have let me know what I was up against.

So the missing puzzle piece is in. My mind is surprisingly at ease, and I miss him much less every single time I think about it. I think about him bringing me to this party to meet his friend, how he barely even talked to me that entire night (thankfully my friend was there!), how maybe he was comparing me to her at every turn. It makes sense because if there was a time that I had to pinpoint where things went horribly wrong in our relationship, it was immediately following that weekend. Go figure.

Speed Dating.

I am going to try to keep this blog as short as this date was (Thanks, Deb!), but I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea...

Ok, so it was my first foray back into the dating world after Google. Am I over Google yet? Not completely. Did this date help, 100x, yes!! I had some reservations, yes... but I was definitely interested in getting back in the game again. So my biggest reservation was this guy's age. If you remember back when I started this blog, at a mere 25 years old, I was VERY age conscious. If a guy was just 6 months younger than me, I had reservations. So here I am tonight, going on a date with a guy who is not just a few months younger, but a few years younger. He is only 25 years old. Age is just a number, I know, and I shouldn't let it bother me. I mean, I didn't do very well dating someone who was 35, so maybe I need to go younger - much much younger! It's weird, I've been getting a lot of younger guy attention. The 3 guys I've been talking to are all younger - 25, 26, & 28. Maybe I've been dating at the wrong end of this pool.

Anyway, back to the shortest (good) date of history. I remember posting once upon a time that any date that clocked in at under 3 hours normally didn't warrant a second date. This one was just under an hour and a half, seriously. SHORT. But it wasn't bad. We met up at the Artful Dodger in Old City, I wasn't sure if it was going to be dinner or drinks. I hadn't planned on anything. I wasn't super looking forward to it, but I was going because I knew I had to. We had a couple of good emails, and he fits my type, with the exception of the age. I showed up on the date a little late, there was an insane amount of rush hour traffic getting over the bridge, but I made it only 10 minutes late or so, and he had texted me before hand, apologizing for sending me into the throws of Philly rush hour. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him, he was cuter than I thought from his pictures, and taller than I thought too, both were good signs. He had been at the bar, and I was going to just join him there, but he suggested we get a table.

We ate, had some beers, and talked throughout the entire dinner. It was basically empty in the restaurant, and dinner was very quick. I also ate a salad that was very onion-y, which might have been a bad move on my part. We talked a lot, about a lot of different things, but it was weird too. I wasn't completely ready for the date, mentally, but I laughed a lot, and the conversation was easy to come by, I think. So after dinner, he paid (I offered, I feel especially since he's younger - I should pay!) and we went outside. Apparently, it was raining, but it was barely noticeable. We started walking up 2nd street, I didn't know where we were going. At one point, he turned to me and asked where my car was. Oh. My car. It was a few blocks back from where we just walked past. I was surprised that the date was ending quite so soon. It seemed to be going really well, and then we were walking to my car. I was very confused! Maybe the younger kids do this dating thing differently.

So I was assuming this wasn't going so well for him, and then he says, So we should really do this again sometimes. And starts saying how he'll take the train over to Jersey, since he doesn't have a car. I was kind of taken aback. Part of me wanted to say if you want to do this again, why not just continue the date now? But maybe an hour and a half is his dating limit. Maybe it's better to not rush things, there's no need for marathon dates. He could turn out to be very fun, or he could not really be interested in a second date after all, and just said that. I would go out with him again, but I'm just glad that I had a good date, and who knows, 25 might be the new 35. :)

Oh dating game, it's good to be back.

Compromised.

The blog has been compromised, but as an honest blogger, and someone who is years away from all this drama, I don't really care. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

When it rains, it pours. Right now, my life unfortunately is raining ex boyfriend drama all over me. Not in a good way, either. So, I mentioned in the previous post that I have been spending some time with Mr. Perfect, this was just the beginning of my rain storm of ex-interaction that has surfaced over the past few days.

In the previous post, I wrote that during the play I received an email from my ex's sister... I need to back up, a few posts, and remind you that when I was posting about the potential of meeting Google's mom, I posted about my ex's mom, didn't say nice things, and mentioned that my ex was now married and he had posted about how his family had ruined his wedding. What I didn't post was that I had commented on his post, mentioning that I was proud of him for breaking free of his parents controlling ways, wishing him well, because regardless, he was 2 and a half years of my life, and I do wish him well.

Back to the night of the play, I saw that I had received an email on facebook from my ex's sister. His name was the subject. I felt an all too familiar knot in my stomach, something I hadn't felt in well over 5 years. I could feel the drama seeping back into my life, and if I opened the email, it would be full-fledged back in my life. Curiosity of course gets the best of me, and I opened the email. I should post the whole email here, but honestly, I don't care that much. It was a 5 paragraph email, regarding my post on my ex's post about his wedding, that went on and on about how awful of a person my ex is, how all he does is lie, how his family was actually very good to me, and how my entire relationship with him was based on a series of lies between his family and me, none of us knew the truth. Also, when we broke up it was my ex's idea to box all my remaining things up, put them outside the door, and change the locks - not his family's. At this point, I'm not sure I care whose idea it was, or why it happened. It was 5 years ago. I'm over it. She then goes on to tell me about how his family paid for his new wife's engagement ring, awesome, and all the drama that surrounded my ex's wedding and why they are no longer speaking to him. All of this is none of my business, and really has nothing to do with me. She ends her email questioning why I am on my ex's side now, after he said such horrible/awful things about me, and I should know that he really was nothing but a liar, but did like my mom the best (yay, mom! haha.) Reading this email was a bit surprising to me, because I had been away from all of this for at least 5 years. My ex and I kept in contact a bit throughout the years, probably up until the time when he drove down to my parents house, the last time I saw him, 3 years ago, but it was all very platonic, and I would have never ever gotten back together with him. Despite all of that, I still spent over 2 years of my life with him, I knew him very well, and I don't care who's telling the truth and who is a liar and who said horrible things about me, I want my ex to be happy. I didn't respond to the email, I didn't even think about it, his family issues are NOT MINE anymore.

I went on with my very busy weekend, there's the 3 guys (who are down to 2 right now, I think...) I'm trying to set up dates with, there's getting over Google, there's building my friendship with Mr. P, I have other things on my mind. So, this afternoon, while I was at work, I checked my email, and was just a little surprised to see ANOTHER email from my ex's family. Although this time, it was not from his sister, but from his step-mother. Remember, the one I posted not nice things about? Yeah, so again, that now all too familiar pit in my stomach reappears, but the subject line caught my eye a bit more, "WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU" in all caps, kind of stands out. Really? The step-mother of my ex boyfriend, who did tell me at one point in my relationship with him, that she did not like me in the beginning of when I was dating him (only when I stood by him after he stopped paying the electricity bill, cable bill, etc, and I had just PAID to get our cable turned back on, when the electricity got turned off, and collectors were calling the apartment EVERY DAY, only then did she tell me that she thought I was good for him). Ok, so back to the email I got today. She starts off by apologizing for anything I think she did to me, and mentions something about being controlling, and how she always thought I was a nice girl and my ex's reasons for breaking up with had nothing to do with her or her husband. WHOA. Ok, back up! I went back and re-read the post I had written to my ex, which obviously his family had found. I wrote nothing about his step-mom specifically, just some general comments about his family, said NOTHING about his parents being the cause of us breaking up (I said they were our issue of contention - but they weren't the reason we broke up - it was actually a fairly civil break up before the locks were changed and my stuff put outside, I wasn't happy - he wasn't happy, there was no point in continuing that any longer.)

So, I was kind of confused where this email was stemming from, and I noticed that some of those words sound like what I wrote a month ago in my blog. So I went back and checked. Sure enough, I called my ex's step-mom a controlling bitch, I also mentioned that early in relationship my ex had told me that his step-mom and dad told him to break up with me, which he didn't and was not the cause of our break up. So... is my ex's family reading my blog? My guess is yes, so is this opening the door to more emails? for more drama with my ex's family? If they are reading this, please know this: My relationship with my ex ended 5 years ago, on our own accord - not because he lied to me or because of his financial situation, but because as it sometimes happen, two people just aren't right for each other. And we each moved on. I have long since made peace with that. I wish my ex well, I hope he's happy, and I do not want to get involved in any family drama. The end. (I hope)

More exes resurfaced this week too. There was this guy I dated in college. I met him at my sorority house, one night he was there with a bunch of his fraternity brothers, I think one of them was dating one of my sorority sisters. He was super persistent, and somehow I ended up dating him for a few months. He was never right for me, and when we dated he treated me like crap. I was really young at the time, and foolish, and the more he treated me badly, the more I wanted to be with him. (wait, this sounds slightly familiar - Google?) I remember wasting a lot of tears and nights feeling awful because of him. And he was never, ever nice to me. This was a solid 8 years ago, and I haven't spoken to him in nearly as long. He would occasionally get back in touch throughout the end of my senior year/summer after, to try to get me to hook up with him, but that never happened. I don't remember the last time I saw him, I was probably 21. Well, he friended me last night on facebook. I debated whether or not I should even accept his friend-request, and eventually decided to, figuring it could do no/little harm. Today, I got many posts from him, on my pictures, on my posts, on my wall. It got to the point where my friend texted me to ask me who this guy was! I have no idea what exactly he thinks he'll accomplish by getting back in touch, but I can't believe this was someone I ever wasted my time on!

What's next? My high school boyfriend? There's something to be said about leaving the past where it belongs.

In like a Lion.

Where did February go? I realized this morning, as I was thinking back over the short month of February, that my life right now is not all that different than it was throughout most of my relationship with Google during the month of February, except the past 2 weeks I've known that he didn't want to see me, rather than spending all that agonizing time wondering if it was me or just my imagination. But I'm forcing myself to get past this, and my mind/heart isn't cooperating so much.

This weekend I spent more time with Mr. Perfect than I have in a very long time. Probably not since the summer, when we were still basically dating, just without calling it that, and the line between friendship and relationship was very very blurry. On Thursday night, I came down with a really bad cold, very quickly, and didn't have any meds at my house to counteract it. I posted something silly on facebook about how I would give anything for someone to bring me some Nyquil, and that I was sick, basically. The next day was yet another snow day, due to the impending "snowicane" that never happened, but yet another day of school canceled and the library was closed as well. I had the whole day off, and wasn't really sure what to do with myself.

Around 10ish, Mr. P texts me to see how I'm feeling, and if I got the meds I wanted last night. I responded that I didn't get any Nyquil and I'd like to get out to the drugstore at some point during the day to get it. He says that he's going to shovel out his car, and if the roads are ok, he'll drive up, help me shovel, and he'll take me to the drugstore, because he knows I hate driving in the snow. At the thought of spending the day alone or with Mr. Perfect, obviously, Mr. P wins that one. I agree, tell him I'm getting in the shower, but I'll leave the front door open so he can come in when he gets here. About an hour or so later, I'm showered, dressed, drying my hair, and I hear my dog barking but I checked the door and no one had come in, so I figured he was just barking at my neighbors shoveling across the street. I finish getting ready and look at my front window to see Mr. P has already shoveled my driveway, sidewalk, walkway, and my neighbor's as well. And at the time, he was salting it. It wasn't a huge amount of snow, he might have been there for 20 minutes or so, but the fact that he came over, did all of that, without being asked, without any prompting at all, made me remember what a great guy he really is. But this doesn't blur my lines of friendship with him, just makes me appreciate that he is still in my life.

After he was done shoveling, salting, and clearing my driveway, we went to the drugstore, ran some errands, and ended up having some lunch at Panera. We sat and talked for nearly 2 hours, just about everything. His issues with dating, my issues with Google, things that we wished we could have done differently between us, it was all fair game at lunch. And it didn't seem to make things weird, or uncomfortable for either of us. He has started seeing a therapist for his depression issues, which makes me really happy. I know I can't fix his problems, I couldn't when we were dating, and I can't now, but I'm glad he's finally seeking some help beyond himself. His therapist continually tells him (which he then tells me) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. This makes me happy, because, honestly, it's what I always believed. I pushed him to confront a lot of issues he didn't want to deal with while we were dating. I made him talk to me about things that he would have rather just shut me out of completely. In the end, it didn't matter for our relationship, but I am glad that he recognizes how good I was for him. We talked about letting things go, and he made some sort of comment about how he's never let me go, and I think he won't until he finds someone new. I don't know if it's hard for him to listen to me talk about Google, but he asks, and wants to talk about it. I never bring it up unless he does. Maybe it helps him let it go a little bit, knowing that I don't have those same feelings for him anymore. We hung out for a while, went to see a movie together (I paid, to thank him for shoveling and doing all of that for me, and I had a gift card.)

Last night was the rescheduled show that Google was supposed to go with to see my friend's play. I had the extra ticket, because obviously Google wasn't going anymore. Mr. Perfect had offered to take the extra ticket, and I was ok with that. My friends who we were going up with are probably the closest to Mr. Perfect out of all my friends, we spent the most time together with them, and Mr. Perfect and my friend's husband were pretty good friends while we were dating. I was a little nervous about it seeming like a double date, but we managed to pull it off without any real awkwardness... that is until I got an email from my ex of 5 years ago's sister, (that is something for another post) but it brought up the conversation of all the guys I've dated and what losers they all were. Seriously, my friends who were there with me had met most of the guys I've dated seriously throughout the years, the poker player, the Israeli, CK. They knew them all and of all my exes, the only one they've ever really liked was Mr. Perfect. So we went on a very long tirade about my exes, in front of Mr. P, which was probably a little uncomfortable for him, although we all tried to assure him that of all these guys, he was the best of them. He tried to pay for my dinner, although he had already paid me for his ticket for the show, which I told him he didn't have to because I had bought the ticket for Google and had already counted it as a loss when I wouldn't take his money for it either. But he insisted, so there was NO way I was going to let him pay for my dinner. On the car ride home, I fell asleep and ended up sleeping on his shoulder the whole way home, which was probably the most physical contact we've had in months. It didn't spark anything though, he dropped me off at home, no kisses or hugs, just a sleepy good night at my door. The line between our friendship and our past has not been blurred by recent events.

I know he's really lonely, and doesn't have a group of friends to rely on, and that he misses me and my friends, so I'm not going to shut him out, just because we used to date and no longer do... I can be mature enough to allow him into my circle of friends, and if he starts dating someone and this friendship fades, that's fine. I don't have any hope that things with Mr. Perfect and I would ever be worked out, he's not right for me, and I want so much more than what he's capable of giving. It's weird that I can feel that for him, and recognize the exact same things in Google. Google never gave me what I wanted as a boyfriend, there's no way he would ever be able to do that as a friend... it still doesn't make me wish it were different any less. Although by now, I was hoping to be past it. We have communicated a few times on IM. Nothing substantial, nothing even worth writing about. It's enough to give me that false sense of hope, and yet not enough to make a damn bit of difference.

I am moving on. I have been talking with 3 new guys. I'm trying to muster up the excitement to go on these dates, and get back out there. I know I can meet people, and I know I can go out on a lot of dates, and most will want to go on second dates, and maybe even thirds. But my heart's not in it yet. I'm hoping that March brings everything that February couldn't.

Call it off

"Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at,
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at,
But now we'll never know,
I won't be sad but in case I'll go there,
Everyday to make myself feel bad,
There's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do... " - Call it Off, Tegan & Sara

The camping trip weekend is over, and I'm back home (rather, at my parents' house right now, but home all the same). Of course the weekend did not proceed without any incident, or without hearing from Google. Friday night was by far the best night of the camping trip. When everyone gets to the house, it's a great reunion, most of these people I haven't seen in almost a year, so there is a lot to catch up on. Some of them read the blog, so they had some ideas, but most don't. They had some idea that I had been seeing someone, or had ideas based on facebook pictures, etc. So to make sure everyone was up to speed, there was a whole retelling of the "Google Story." And while every time I tell the story, it gets a little more comical and hurts a little less, it was really fun to see some of the guys reactions. They without a doubt, thought I was crazy, but we got through the whole story up to me leaving Google's house on Valentine's Day, not to hear from him at all that week. Following that, there was much eating and drinking, and by midnight we were all very very drunk. We were in the middle of a rousing game of flip cup, when one of my friends picks up my phone and just asks "whose phone is this?" Immediately, I thought it was because it rang or beeped, but really my friend just wanted to call herself to hear her ring tone on her phone. She handed me my phone so I could call her, and really it should've been put away for the entire weekend. But I didn't, and I checked, no missed calls/texts. I was a little disappointed, but it passed quickly, as I was drunk. I had my phone next to me at this point, and maybe an hour later, still drinking heavily, I looked at my phone, and was SHOCKED to see I had a text from Google. I read it, processed and then decided I needed to share it. So, I promptly announced to the entire room. BIG mistake. The cleaned up version of his sloppy-drunk text was something like this, "I'm sorry about last week. I'm drunk. Hope you have fun in NY. I'm a loser, you will find better. I'm not getting any tonight. going to go puke." Yes. That was the text message that a 35 year old, self respecting(?) guy sent me, at 1 am, a week after we broke up. Well, I had no intention of writing him back, I was too drunk to make a good decision, and at 29 I know this, so I have to assume that if at 35, you don't know that drunk texting is a bad idea... I had to battle some of my friends, some of whom wanted to call him right there - 2 drunk guys talking on the phone to a guy I just broke up with - not a good idea, some who wanted to take my phone from me for the rest of the weekend - a better idea, or what ended up happening - me swearing that I would NOT write him back, which I didn't, and we all move on.

So the weekend progressed, and despite everything, the camping trip is a really good weekend to remind myself of what I really want in any relationship I'm in. The trip this year was a bit different than years past, less people came, different house, we ventured out for a day trip, I set the oven on fire, but all of this isn't what helped me reset this weekend. Being around friends is always a good thing, but being around my friends who have some of the best relationships I've ever seen, really reminds me of what I want, what will be someday for me. It was all I needed to NOT text Google back, because anyone who has any standards is not going to respond to a drunk text at 1 in the morning, when he couldn't care ALL week how I was doing. And that text didn't care how I was doing either, it was, like everything in the past 3 weeks, about how Google was feeling, and to be honest, if there is zero reciprocation, I'm so over it. Except for when I got home... and I was feeling sad, and he was online... so I sent him a message, it said "Got your text on Friday, sounds like you had some kind of night, feeling better?" And no response. Nothing. I waited for a little bit, and he's online, so I know he got it... but clearly he's only interested in communicating when he's drunk and lonely. And I'm not going to mean anything to him, if all he wants is for me to be his late nights or his early mornings. So I cut the ties today. I deleted him on facebook, removed him from twitter and stopped following his tweets as well. Nothing was better when I had to go to his page to unfollow him, and saw all the tweets he posted when he was drunk on Friday night. As one of my wise friends has said to me often, a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Drunk or not, he admitted to being in love with 2 of his neighbors, and as surprised as I was when I first read it, it actually makes a lot of sense. He also posted that he needs someone new this week. That hurt. I still can't figure out why I wasn't good enough.

Am I still hurt? Yeah. Unfortunately. Do I know that I can do better? Yes. A million times over, yes. But it doesn't change how I feel right now. And I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again, I think throughout this all, I thought we might be friends eventually, or things would change, he'd feel better and realize that I would have been so good for him. And he'd realize how great I am.

Longest Week. Ever,

This by far, has been one of the longest weeks of my life, and work wise, it was only a 3 day work week. Sleep is something that isn't coming easy to me, but I go to bed MUCH earlier than I used to. My friend taught me some good yoga breathing tips, which I tried, and it helps a bit to clear my mind when it's racing before I go to bed.

Mornings are by far the worst time for me. Maybe that, and later at night, but I can't seem to figure out why mornings are so hard for me. We hardly spent any morning time together, it was usually me getting up before he did, leaving while he was still asleep, and going on with my day. Or if we did get up at the same time, most times I left almost immediately after. I think it's that it's a whole new day that will end up hurting in some way. Today, I was hoping would be different. I have my yearly "camping" trip this weekend, which I am looking forward to so much. Last year was the first time I ever brought anyone to the camping trip, and due to Mr. P's issues, it did not work out very well for me. I was never intending on bringing Google to the camping trip, even if we were still dating, it would have been too soon. So there's no reason for me to feel without him when I'm on this trip, except my brain doesn't work like that.

I'm still feeling up and down about things. I reposted my Match profile, which never brings anything good initially. I feel like in the beginning when you're "new," you get a lot of winks and emails but it's not really anything substantial. I also signed back into Jdate, but I only have a week or so left in that subscription, and let's be honest, nothing good came of that site. The guy who didn't want me to blog about him was back in touch. He is such a creepster, I can't believe of ALL the guys I went out with in December, he was the one I was looking forward to the most? This is why people on paper are never what they seem in person. He wants to hang out and he's SO pushy about it. Seriously, he was so mean to me on our date and he also lives WAY too close to Google, I'd be thinking about Google the entire time if I went over there. And that doesn't bode well for anyone. But he's interested in going out again. Wonderful. The thing is, every single guy I went out with in December (all 6? of them), all asked me out for a second date. And persisted for a week or two before they got the hint, but I was so head over heals with Google I didn't think that maybe I should've been keeping my options open. Google and I never had any kind of discussion if we were or weren't going to see other people. Maybe I should have. I didn't really feel anything special towards Google until our second date, and not that I want to go back out with all these other guys again, but I'm just saying maybe it would be a good idea to give people more of a chance and keep things open, until I know both of us are on the same page. I think at first Google and I were on the same page, but then something changed for him, and he went back without cluing me in. There is one guy, who might have been part of the original December 8, but disappeared after a few emails. He sent me a text message the day I was at the Franklin with Google, saying he was sorry we lost touch, and he'd like to get together, etc. At first I wasn't sure who it was, because he has the same first name as CK, and so I was confused as to why after 2 years would CK be texting me. But I ruled him out when I remembered I had been talking to this guy in December from Match. So when I reposted my Match profile, I emailed him. If I hear back from him, great. If not, I'm not going to sweat it. I wasn't all that excited to hear from him when he texted me before, so if he drops off again, no big deal. I won't lie, I still have some false hope that I'll hear from Google one of these days, too. It takes everything in me not to email/IM/text to see how he is, how he's feeling, etc. I have to assume that he's fine, and if he wanted to hear from me, he would be in touch.

Here's to hoping that this weekend will leave me feeling restored and happy, I'm hoping for no tears on the trip.

Sad. Happy. Fine.

For the past 3 days I've been an emotional roller coaster. Monday was a wash. I cried for the better part of the day, but spent it amongst good friends and my family. First stop was to my parents' house to drop off more food for my dog, he was staying there because I was supposed to be staying over in Philly from Sunday - Monday, and when those plans were canceled on Sunday afternoon, I was too upset at the time to tell my parents, and go pick him up. He was already there, so I let him stay there over night. The first thing my mom asks, of course, is how my night was. My eyes immediately welled up, and I managed to tell her that we broke up. Now, I'm not saying my mom is happy about this, because she doesn't want to see me upset, but my parents have a dream of me marrying someone Jewish... and well, now that door is open for her once again. I didn't stay long, couldn't really handle it at the time, and left to have lunch/coffee with friends. I hadn't eaten anything in over 24 hours, and forced myself to eat some lunch, which did me no good, because it just made me sick to my stomach anyway. For the past 6 or 7 days now I've been existing on loads of caffeine and approximately one small meal a day (so I don't pass out), my stomach doesn't do well with food & upset. Food = Happy for me. Sad = LOTS of coffee. This may have something to do with why I'm not sleeping well either. Hmm. Anyway, after spending some good girl time, I headed back to my parents where I zoned out in front of the TV for a while, made the mistake of watching the episode of How I Met Your Mother, which I had missed last Monday, and that made me cry. Not because it was sad, but the show reminds me of Google. At dinner with my parents and grandma, I just sat there and tears were streaming down my face, I couldn't even help it. I tried to stop, I've never had this kind of emotional reaction to a break up EVER before. I've been there for friends who have had this kind of thing happen to them, but for me, this was BRAND NEW. And for my parents and grandmother too. I pulled it together, but didn't eat much, since lunch had done nothing good for me. I was zoning out again in front of the tv, when my mom asked me if I wanted any dessert. Oh dear lord, I started crying again. Because dessert reminded me of Google. SERIOUSLY?? Is this the kind of girl I've become?? Is this what happens when someone you really like breaks up with you? I think with all my other break ups I had been way more mentally prepared for them. This didn't take me off guard, I did know it was coming, but I think I didn't prepare myself for it, why should I? We had only been dating less than 2 months, The Bad Kisser was about the same amount of time, and that didn't even affect me in the least. Granted, I didn't really like the Bad Kisser. So, I really liked Google, and he bruised my heart (I refuse to say he broke my heart - because that's a little excessive - don't you think?), and I was sad for an entire day. I had no idea how I would make it back at school the next day. Most people knew, because they read this, or could gather from Facebook posts that not all was well. But there was still the few who would come into my room, with big expectations that I would have some story of my exciting weekend. I only teared up once at school, when I had to tell my co-teacher, other than that, I was pretty much ok. Kids really keep you busy, and they keep your mind off things. And if they think you're sad (and they like you), they are extra good, and sweet. And since we missed school before Valentine's Day, there was a lot of gift giving from the kids, cards and candy, which rather made up for my rather sucky Valentine's Day anyway. My school Valentine's Days are always WAY better than my adult ones.

This brings us to 6th period on Tuesday. I have some fantastic, if not very opinionated, co-workers who I spend my prep time with. They all come from very different perspectives when it comes to giving me advice, and they proceeded to embark on 2 hour tirade which consisted of them completing tearing me apart, breaking this down as to how this whole break up was probably my fault anyway, and what was wrong with me in relationships. Ok, that sounds really harsh, and trust me, most of it was... but I felt really good the entire time we were having this discussion. It helps to see how other people see you, even if the most hurtful things come out. I don't accept criticism. I know. I like to be right. I know this too. I'm defensive. I like to be in control. All of this is nothing new to me, but hearing it from 3 people who see me on a day to day basis, it does open my mind up that maybe there are things about me that I should be dealing with before I jump into the next relationship. Basically it came down to this, What is it about me that attracts the same guy, over and over? Really, Google was just 7 years older version of Mr. Perfect. Parts of his life were more together than Mr. P's, but 7 years ago, he was probably not all that different. I left school feeling great. It sounds weird, but I felt like it was a good break through, and all of this is manageable. I went out to dinner with 2 of my best friends, and I was fine. One of my best friends is convinced that Mr. Perfect is actually "the one" and I just don't know it yet. I don't agree, but it's interesting how set she is on that. We talked, I ate (that made 2 meals for yesterday & dessert, with no tears!), and I went home feeling good and full.

I made the mistake of logging onto Match last night, just to see, my profile is hidden so no one can see if I'm on it or not, and no one can contact me or vice versa. I'm really not ready for it yet. But, I checked and sure enough, Google was already back on and had removed me from his favorites. Well, obviously he would, but just seeing that, made the hurt come back ten fold, and then having eaten such a large dinner was not a good idea. I immediately got nauseous and really upset. I just couldn't believe he was already actively dating, 2 days later. Or at least trying to. I decided it was better to go try and sleep it off than stay up and obsess over it. I slept well until about 3:30, and then couldn't get back to sleep until about 5:30, and my alarm goes off at 6. I was still feeling sick this morning, but I can't let this interfere with my life, so I went to work. First period was abysmal. I couldn't get my head on straight, my students were definitely picking up on my bad mood, putting them into a bad/unproductive mood, and it was not a good class. Thankfully, during my 2nd period break, with the help of colleagues, I got it together and figured out something to do during the next period, which was a good thing because I had my final observation sprung on me, as a surprise right as the period was starting. I knew it was coming sometime this week or next, but I thought because of the snow, it would probably be next. Thankfully all went well, and my final observation as a non-tenured teacher is over! Again, I left school today feeling much better than I came in. No tears today either.

I'm going to be fine. I'm ALWAYS fine. This time though, I actually want to be better than fine. I do want to take my friends' advice and figure out what is it about me that attracts guys with severe depression issues? And why do I want to stay with them through it. Seriously, I can't say that even knowing what I've been through, if Google changed his mind, I wouldn't be interested in trying this out again. KNOWING that he'll have another phase where he'd shut me out, and knowing how hurt that makes me, I'd still do it. That worries me. Because I shouldn't. Because no one in their right mind should care about how another person feels more than how they feel themselves. And that's what it was with Google, for at least the past 2-3 weeks. I was so concerned with his feelings, that I never wanted to tell him how I was feeling about his lack of communication, or that it hurt my feelings when he wouldn't ask me about me, I never wanted to upset him, so I avoided conversations like that. I didn't want to push him. And when I did finally push him, it was because I knew we were going to break up. I'd probably still be sitting around today, wondering what was going on, if I hadn't forced that conversation. I know all this, yet I know that I'd do it again, if he wanted to. That is not fine, and I know that. That's what I need to work on.

Do I think the sad part is over? Not at all. I imagine I'm going to have more bad nights and mornings, and that's part of this process. And I know that there is so much happiness in my life. I am so lucky to have the love in my life, and be able to appreciate it. And for now, I am fine. I'm just hoping sooner rather than later, I'll be better than fine, and back to happy all the time.

Risk

Tonight I took a risk. I knew how it was going to end, and it wasn't going to make me happy. But I had to do it, and after all is said and done, I am glad I did. I obviously had been feeling that Google wasn't really into this for a while, it amazes me that guys think they are being so slick with their feelings, when they really are totally transparent. So was I totally surprised when Google told me today that he'd rather be alone than see me? Not really. Was I really hurt and upset? Yes. Not because it's Valentine's Day, but I was being shut out and it hurt me more than if he had just been honest. I was at the library when I sent him a text, asking if we still had plans, and he responded that he just wanted to be alone. I responded with something, I don't remember what, but I didn't hear back from him. Being at the library, means I'm online ALL the time. It's a good thing I have a job that doesn't allow me to be online all the time, I would never get ANYTHING done. (I don't know how all you people do it!) Anyway, Mr. Perfect was online too, and he was texting me to see how I was. We talk occasionally on IM, and I hadn't seen him since I took him out for his birthday in October, but he's someone who can give me a pretty good perspective from the guy's point of view and from someone who has dealt with these same issues before. He offered to meet up with me after my shift at the library and go for coffee, so we could talk. I agreed, for a few reasons, one selfish one of not wanting to be alone and miserable, and another for actually really needing to talk to someone about what was bothering me that could actually relate to the opposite side.

We had coffee not far from the library, and talked for a few hours. He offered to take me to a movie tonight, so I wouldn't have to be alone, but I opted for being alone. However... when I got home, I was talking to one of my friends, and after a lot of me spewing out loads of nonsense and hurtful things, I realized that I needed to end things with Google. This was not making me feel good or making me happy anymore. I'm not walking around with the smile I once was, instead I'm fighting back tears anytime anyone asks me about him. So, the only thing to do? Force him to talk to me, and break up. I think I knew it was what he wanted too. I mean depression is one thing, but to actively push someone away this way, speaks much louder than just being depressed. So, I drove over to Google's. I texted him before I left, saying I was coming over, regardless of the outcome, we were having this conversation TONIGHT. I called when I was near his place. No response to either the text or the call. However, not only did I find a parking spot on a night where it was near impossible to park ANYWHERE in the city, I found a spot that was facing his house, directly in front of his street. I could virtually stalk him from there, should I need to. Which is pretty much what I sent in the next text, I said, I found a spot on ___ street, and I'll stay here all night if I have to. No response. Half an hour goes by, and still nothing, so I text again... that it's pretty chilly, but I'm not leaving without having this conversation. He texts me back that he's not home, and I should just go home. Well, that just about made me lose it right there. He couldn't see me but he could go out! Oh hell no. So I texted him back that very statement, and he said, he didn't want to talk to me, and I should go home. Well now it felt like it was turning into a power struggle, and I told him that I came here to talk to him, he needs to come home from wherever he is and talk to me. He replies that he doesn't want to. I sent another scathing text that I have done everything he has ever wanted in this relationship, and the one thing I ask for is a conversation, and he can't give that to me? To which he responds that he wants to break up, and has been feeling this way for a while now. Awesome. I text back, come say it to my face. He responds that he will, in the morning, he'll drive over to my house and we'll talk. No need, I respond, I'll sleep in the car, no biggie. (No response from him) I text him that why doesn't he come home from wherever he is, have this 5 minute conversation with me, and I'll drive him back to wherever he is. Keep in mind throughout all of this, I am raging mad. Furious. I'm imagining he's out at the bar with his friends, they're all laughing at me as I'm sitting in my car waiting for him, and they're telling him what to say, etc. I get a text back from my last one (offering to drive him back to the bar once he's done talking to me...), that he lied, he's home, has been the whole time, and he's coming down to let me in. Oh dear. So my rage quickly turns then, I mean he REALLY did not want to see me, bad enough that he was going to lie to me, be REALLY mean to me through text in the hopes that I would turn around and go home. Well I didn't. And in the end, I'm glad I held my ground.

He comes down, and when I say this boy looks like hell, it hardly does it justice. Now I will always think that he is adorable, no matter what, but he hadn't shaved (possibly showered even?) for days, when we got up to his apartment there were bags of food, girl scout cookies... It did not look like a healthy environment. It makes me really sad to see him that way. It was probably the most heart breaking moment of the evening. I wanted to cry for how bad he must be feeling. But I held my ground, didn't even take off my coat or gloves. I made him tell me how he was feeling - he says he isn't sure about his feelings towards me, but right now does not want to continue dating. This is pretty sad for me, because it's been a long time since I've really liked a guy this much, but I'm glad he was honest with me. I can start getting over it and move on. He goes on to say how he wants us to be friends, and maybe someday he'll feel differently... I don't know if I can handle that so much. That sense of false hope, I'm not going to wait around for him to figure out if this is what he wants or how he feels. I'm going to be sad, and deal with it, and move on. I gave him his Valentine's Day present, which was a cookbook that he really wanted, he looked at it on our first date, and we went to the chef's restaurant for his birthday, so it holds a lot of meaning for me about him. And I knew he really wanted it. He got a little choked up, and teary, which of course made me get a little choked up... but I knew I had to leave. He kissed me goodbye, and said he was sure he'd see me sometime soon (I don't know how that's going to happen), and I left. A bit broken hearted, but a bit stronger knowing that I did the right thing.

I would have spent who knows how many days waiting for him to talk to me after this weekend. Yes, I'm sad that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but I don't have all these feelings of anxiety and worry about what will happen next. So, I took a big risk with Google. I put my heart out there, and it got returned a little bit bruised and beaten. But I don't regret a single moment of it, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I will miss him, and I can't imagine getting back out there again. But I know I will, I don't ever stay out of the game for long.

And now for something completely different.

I've been having a really rough weekend when it comes to Google. (A bad 3 day weekend - go figure!) Except this started during the week, and I haven't seen him since I left his house Monday morning, almost a week ago. I've been really trying to be patient with him, but he is completely shutting me out. I was ok with not seeing him during the snow days, it was really bad outside. The roads were awful, digging out was near impossible, especially in the city. By Friday though, I was getting a little antsy, and wanted to see him. Thursday night, I sent him a text to see if he wanted to have some lunch. My school was closed for a third snow day in a row, and he was working from home. I offered to take the speed line into Philly, and meet him somewhere near the train. This would have provided both of us with minimal travel, and we could have spent an hour or so together, despite the weather. Thursday night he responded that he'd be up for lunch, and he'd pick a place close to the train, so I wouldn't have to walk too far. By Friday morning however, the story was different. He had a headache. He didn't want to walk to Center City. He wanted to go back to bed and sleep all day. I was upset, I'm not going to lie. I was really looking forward to seeing him. What does he say?? "I was really looking forward to getting out of the house for lunch." Thanks. So I go about my day, do some retail therapy with my friends, go to work at the library that night. While I'm at the library, I notice Google is online, so I messaged him asking how his headache is. He responded that he slept all day, isn't feeling well, but not really putting anything into the conversation. Doesn't ask how I am. Doesn't ask how my day was. Nothing. I asked him if he was feeling up to going out, and maybe he could come by my place after I was done work. He said no, and said that on Sunday he'd drive over to my place, so I wouldn't have to find parking. Ok, so we still have plans for Sunday, that's good in my mind. I mention to him (which maybe in hindsight was my first mistake) that I was hoping to see him before Sunday, because I've been feeling kind of off about things, and I wanted to talk to him about it. He responds that he's not ready to talk to me and he has a doctor's appointment on Monday night, maybe he'll be ready to talk to me then. Ok, Monday... But now, I'm thinking, what about Sunday?? I respond that I want to do what's best for him, and that I'm not ready to walk away from this, but if he needs me to, I'll take a few steps back. He responds that we'll talk tomorrow or Sunday about it. I say that I'll email him with what I want to say, he says, don't email. So I don't. Instead I write a letter. A really nice heartfelt letter telling him how much I care about him and that I understand what he's going through, if he wants me to be there, I'll be there, and I put it in a really beautiful card. The problem is, how am I going to get it to him? Saturday I work all day, I don't hear from him all day, even though I see he's online all day. It takes everything in me not to message him, and see how he's doing. A few friends came to visit me at the library, so I got to share the card with them, and they agreed that I needed to give it to him before Sunday. So, after work, one of my friends and I drove into Philly, I taped the card to his door, texted him to check his front door, and left. I never heard back from him. That was at 6pm yesterday, and I still haven't even heard from him that he got the card. So, I went out with my friend, had some drinks, and came home and cried. It was a rather wretched Saturday, as far as Saturdays go...

I've been thinking back on how sad Google has made me these past few weeks, it's pretty reminiscent of my relationship with Mr. Perfect. I know depression is a serious issue, but I never really knew how much it truly transcends onto the others that have to deal with it. I broke up with Mr. Perfect because I gave him the ultimatum, get help for your depression (which I was very willing to stand by him, support him through, whatever) or we break up. He chose his depression over me. That hurt. And now I feel like I'm the same exact situation. Almost a year later, and these feelings of hurt and sadness are really prevalent in my life again. And Google is getting help for it. He sees someone for it, so it feels wrong for me to say, well because you're not as well as I want you to be, I'm done. But he seems to be doing that all on his own.

I've decided that if I don't hear from him by the end of today (especially since we had plans today - it really has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, although it makes it slightly more painful), I'm done. I don't need to surround myself with someone else's sadness if they're not even going to let me in to be there for them. I don't need to absorb his pain when he doesn't care how much he's hurting me. So a few giant steps may be coming at the end of today. Next weekend is the camping trip, which couldn't have come at a better time, and by the following weekend I may be out there scouring the market for new matches. I'm not really looking forward to starting over again, but the sooner I can detach myself from this, the better it will be for me in the long run.

Actions Speak Louder.

I cleaned my house. Being snowed in, the impending threat of Google coming to my house in the morning, drinking too much wine, all this played a part of the integral cleaning. So, it only took me a few hours (yes, hours - I have a lot of laundry), but my house was ready for company.

I wasn't originally really going to clean my house. Yes, I talked about cleaning it. But when push comes to shove, I'm all talk. I need REAL motivation to get me to actually clean. Real motivation = someone actually coming over my house. So, on Saturday, I didn't clean. I cooked, and watched some tv, and shoveled snow. I was not cleaning. I came in from shoveling, feeling pretty good. I needed to get out of my house, talk with my neighbors, human interaction is usually what I need when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I had some food and some wine. Ok, more wine than food. I was a little drunk, by myself at home, which was fine, except I was messaging Google, and told him he should come over my house. Despite having not cleaned at all, in my drunken stupor, this didn't seem to matter too much. He was going out with his neighbors anyway, and the roads were not ideal. I did not think he was going to take me up on my offer. So, I invited him over, took a bath, and went to sleep. Not thinking he'd ever take me up on this. At 2:30 in the morning, I got a text that he was coming over first thing in the morning, he'd come over now but he was drunk and the roads were still icy. I had been passed out since about 8 the night before (wine does that to me!) and when I got the text, I responded coolly that it would be fine if he came over in the morning. I was going to go back to sleep and get up at 6 to straighten up, is what I told him. He said he'd be over then at 7. Now, I've been dating Google for over 7 weeks at this point. And while I don't know a whole lot about him, I do know his sleep habits. He does not get up easily, nor willingly very often. He oversleeps all the time, and likes to sleep in late. I wasn't worried that if he went to sleep, drunk, at 3 am, he'd be up early enough to get to my house by 7. So again, I assured him it was fine. I tried going back to sleep, unsuccessfully. So I got up and actually started cleaning my house. My bedroom was the worst - I have WAY too many clothes, and really not enough room all of it. Some of it got shoved in the second bedroom. I cleaned, vacuumed, dusted. It was a cleaning frenzy. But it was done in time. At 6 am, I was pretty much finished, tying up some loose ends of cleaning, and around 9, I finally heard from him that he'd be over by 10. I was still pretty shocked. I showered, dressed, and finished any last minute cleaning that I thought was necessary.

He came over and brought breakfast, which was sweet, especially since I had been up since 3, with no food, just a lot of water to stave off the wine hangover. I gave him a brief tour of my house, and he seemed to like it. It's a great house, I know this, but compared to his spectacular apartment, mine feels a little antiquated. I'm really proud of owning my own house, and being able to support myself, and all of that, but he's been doing that for quite some time, and without 3 jobs! I don't think he's thinking any of this, but these are just some of my insecurities. We hung out for part of the day, he left around 2:30, because he had to do laundry/pack for his trip this week, and he was having people over for the Super Bowl, so he needed to do some cleaning too. I had a youth group event planned to watch the Super Bowl, so I was going to go over to his place after the game. I was hesitant to go over because of the snow, the street parking in Philly was going to be wretched. Originally the plan was I was going to park in front of Google's garage, since his flight was super early in the morning, and I was going to drive him to the airport. He found out later in the day that his flight had been canceled, so he wasn't going to be leaving, which meant I couldn't block his neighbors car in the garage, so I'd have to find street parking on really bad roads, late at night. No thanks. I was going to skip going to his place, since I already saw him that day, and he wasn't going away, I wasn't upset anymore about not seeing him. I got a text message from him while I was at the youth group event that he saved a parking spot for me on the street right in front of his house, so parking wouldn't be a problem. There was still the issue of me having to work the next day (2 hour delay and all, but still), the roads being less than ideal, and not getting over there until 11 at night. I decided that since he saved me a parking spot, it showed that he wanted me to come over enough, so I did. I left the youth group event, went home to let the dog out, then went over to Google's to spend the night. The night was nothing exciting, it was nice. We hung out at one of his neighbor's places for about half an hour once I got there, then went to bed. In the morning, he helped me with my car, because my tires are not really built for snow travel, and doesn't handle very well even in the slightest snow conditions.

I made it home just fine, AND he checked in to make sure I got home alright. I thought that was funny since I had JUST posted that I wanted him to do that, but I think it was again, purely coincidental. Also, I was driving home on snowy roads, he SHOULD be checking in to make sure I get home alright!

As far as this week goes, right now I'm being snowed in, yet again, by myself. I'm not feeling bad about it, mostly because I'm trying to think of this week as if he really was away on business (he decided not to go at all because he wouldn't have enough days in the office once he was there), and I wouldn't be seeing him this week anyway. Communication is still lacking when I don't see him. I want to know that it's not "out of sight, out of mind" for him. Just a little something to know that he's thinking of me occasionally throughout the day. He did add me to his Google family and friends list, so I got my Google Buzz yesterday, which I think everyone will get/has already gotten in the next few days anyway. But that's the most I've gotten from him lately. I mentioned at one point over the weekend that it's been a while since we've gone out. The last time we were out to dinner was for his birthday and that was with his neighbors, not just us, the time before that was the Pour House. He mentioned that we'd be going out on Sunday (Valentine's Day) and that he was off on Monday too, though he never asked me if I had plans or not, so he's just assuming we're doing something. I have work that day, and like the last 3 day weekend, I am off on Monday. I don't want it to be like the last time where it ended with me being disappointed, because we didn't have specific plans, and I hoped for something more.

Hopefully this weekend will be better than the last 3 day weekend, maybe I should try to figure out what we're doing BEFORE the weekend, so I'm not left disappointed once again.