A Perfect End.

A perfect end to a perfect weekend. This weekend was up there as far as weekends go in my life currently. I went to an AMAZING show on Friday, spent time at the beach, had a great time with friends, lots of laughter, smiling and sunshine. Overall, a stellar weekend. However, that's not what this post is about. I never really blogged about the break up between me and Mr. Perfect. As we are upon the anniversary, I thought it was due time I told that story.

One year ago today (as in the Sunday of this weekend - date-wise it was actually a year ago tomorrow) I made the hardest decision I ever had to make. Ever. I knew that things with Mr. Perfect were not going well. It was the day after my best friend's wedding. I was a bridesmaid, and it was, by no bias of my own, a gorgeous wedding. It was probably one of the warmest, most loving weddings I've ever been to, and had the privilege of being a part. As I stood up there, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what my friend has, is what I want. And when I looked out into the seats where Mr. Perfect was seated amongst my parents, other boyfriends/significant others (of people he knew!), and saw him basically scowling at the entire thing, I knew right then, this would never be for us. I had to make a choice that night, do I give up what I want (a husband who loves me enough to profess it in front of a room full of our family and friends, a connection that runs deeper than the words that are spoken, a person who will be by my side in the best of times and the worst of times) or do I break up with him? I didn't fixate on that during the wedding or the reception because there was no way I was going to let him ruin a beautiful day.

After the reception, a lot of the couples were staying at the hotel. I opted to not stay at the hotel for financial reasons, and the drive to the hotel would be just as long as the drive back to my house. Since Mr. Perfect doesn't drink, I wasn't worried about how we were going to get there... so we were just going to come to the brunch the next day from my house. We decided to actually go to the hotel for a little bit, for the after party, and to hang out with some of my friends who had come in from NYC and I don't get to see all that often. I sat and socialized with my friends, while Mr. Perfect stood around, and was miserable as usual. I had mentioned to a friend of mine from high school who was there that night that I had been thinking about breaking up with Mr. P. My friend is dating a girl who has social anxiety, and does not like to be in large crowds of unfamiliar people, and actually was not at the wedding. He really tried to convince me not to break up with Mr. P. When you have a friend, who barely knows your boyfriend, trying so hard to convince you to not do something, well your mind must already be made up. I think both Mr. P and I knew this was coming, we just weren't sure how to get there. Timing sucks, always, with these things. I knew I wasn't going to do it before the wedding, I just didn't know how soon after it was going to happen.

On our way back to my house, Mr. Perfect says to me that he has to go to his parents house tomorrow for his brother's birthday so he won't be able to stay at my place after the brunch. I thought this was a little bit strange, the way he worded it. Because last year, I met his family on his brother's birthday, and I wasn't being invited to dinner this year? That struck a nerve with me, but I was tired, and I didn't want to fight, so I didn't mention it. In the morning, we went to the brunch, which was like a mini reception from the wedding, with all the people who I knew I wasn't going to see until next year's camping trip most likely. I wanted to talk with them, and touch base, but I could feel the weight of Mr. Perfect dragging me down. I had to sit with him, at least until he was talking to someone else that he felt comfortable with, I couldn't move too far away, I had to keep one eye on him, all while I tried to enjoy myself. At one point, I think we were getting ready to leave, one of the other bridesmaids said casually to me, oh so you're going to Mr. P's parents house now for his brother's birthday, right? I was a little confused, I guess Mr. P told her what he was doing for the rest of the day, and failed to mention that I wasn't going. That brought back the feelings from the night before of being uninvited to this family event, and I just was not feeling good. We left shortly there after, and Mr. Perfect had to drive me back to my car which was at my friend's house from the day before. While we were in the car, I asked him why I hadn't been invited to his parent's house for his brother's birthday. I knew his parents didn't not invite me, so he must of just told them that I wouldn't be coming. He responded that he didn't think I would want to come and that I'd be busy. And I responded, but you didn't even invite me... you told me what you were doing, and I wasn't a part of that. At this point we're at my friend's house, in front of my car. He goes to give me back my key, and I faltered, the whole key thing... and I get very upset and ask if this is how he planned on breaking up with me, had he planned to do this the whole time? Some of the other bridesmaids had their cars at our friend's house as well, and just happened to get there at that moment. I told Mr. P that I was not going to do this here, he should go to his parents' house, do what he needs to do, and then come over to my house after so we could have this talk properly.

I had all day to prepare. I cried, a lot. But I wasn't sure how it was going to all pan out. I don't remember exactly how it all went. I remember him saying that he wasn't happy, and I responded that he wasn't ever happy, and his depression was a real a serious thing. He needed to get help. He agreed. I told him that I would stand by him and help him through it, go to counseling with him, if he wanted me to, whatever it takes, I said, if you're willing to get help, I'm willing to work this out. He chose not to. That was probably one of the most hurtful things that had ever happened to me. Then he left. And that's how Mr. Perfect and I ended things a year ago today.

Of course, as you all know, it didn't end there. We had a hard time cutting the ties. We saw each other over the course of the following 4 months, technically "as friends" but there was definitely more than friendship. One night in May, I remember very clearly, he invited me over for dinner at his house. There was a different feel to that night, he was being affectionate, it was the first time I had been at his house since we broke up and all my pictures were still up. The picture of us on his fridge, the frame in his bedroom, all still there. I was very much a presence in his house, long after I had gone. When we were in bed later, he says to me that he wants to work this out, he wants to get back together, he can't stand the idea of losing me. It's everything I wanted him to say, 2 months earlier. He was acting how I had hoped he would act, when we first broke up, but he didn't. And I had been away from it long enough to know that he was NOT what I wanted. So, I did what anyone would in that situation. I cried. Which was not what he was hoping for, of course. We continued to see each other occasionally after that, not as frequently, the last time being the 4th of July. We spent nearly the entire weekend together. And by the end, I was just done. Our relationship had truly run its course. I had no desire to be with him physically anymore, and it was more just going through the motions. We didn't talk for a few months, and I didn't see him again until my birthday.

Over the past few months we have established the boundaries of our friendship. I am very happy to include him in my life as my friend, and I will always be there for him. He was at my friend's birthday party last weekend, and I thought all was fine. He was socializing, and I didn't feel responsible for him. We stayed until pretty late in the evening, and he drove me home. I don't know if I was drunk or not, it was late, I had been drinking, I was tired... I can't remember saying anything that was offensive, or if we ended things on a bad note. I just remember saying goodnight, telling him to drive safely, and exiting the car. He PEELS out of my driveway and speeds off down the road before I even have a chance to make it to my door. I am utterly confused at this point. The only time I've ever seen him drive off like that, not even waiting to see if I get in alright, was after a HUGE blow-out fight we had, the day after my birthday when we were dating. I haven't heard from him since then, my friends texted him last night to see if he wanted to meet up with us at the bar, but of course he did not. I don't know if he's mad at me for something. I can't for the life of me figure out what that could be. This is what I hated about his moods when we were dating, I shouldn't have to be reliving this as his friend. I will continue to be his friend, should he seek that out in me, in a mature reasonable fashion.

So that's the whole story of me and Mr. P from a year ago up to today. Hopefully it clarifies some of the vague references I've made in previous posts about our "less than perfect" ending, and our blurred lines of friendship for a few months!

(Dating is slow right now. I'm super busy - like October/November busy, where it took weeks to set up a first date due to my work schedule!! There is a date scheduled for next Sunday, but I just found out today that my sister will be in from Boston from Sat-Tuesday next week, so I may have to cancel. Maybe just a quick coffee, it's been too long!)