Risk

Tonight I took a risk. I knew how it was going to end, and it wasn't going to make me happy. But I had to do it, and after all is said and done, I am glad I did. I obviously had been feeling that Google wasn't really into this for a while, it amazes me that guys think they are being so slick with their feelings, when they really are totally transparent. So was I totally surprised when Google told me today that he'd rather be alone than see me? Not really. Was I really hurt and upset? Yes. Not because it's Valentine's Day, but I was being shut out and it hurt me more than if he had just been honest. I was at the library when I sent him a text, asking if we still had plans, and he responded that he just wanted to be alone. I responded with something, I don't remember what, but I didn't hear back from him. Being at the library, means I'm online ALL the time. It's a good thing I have a job that doesn't allow me to be online all the time, I would never get ANYTHING done. (I don't know how all you people do it!) Anyway, Mr. Perfect was online too, and he was texting me to see how I was. We talk occasionally on IM, and I hadn't seen him since I took him out for his birthday in October, but he's someone who can give me a pretty good perspective from the guy's point of view and from someone who has dealt with these same issues before. He offered to meet up with me after my shift at the library and go for coffee, so we could talk. I agreed, for a few reasons, one selfish one of not wanting to be alone and miserable, and another for actually really needing to talk to someone about what was bothering me that could actually relate to the opposite side.

We had coffee not far from the library, and talked for a few hours. He offered to take me to a movie tonight, so I wouldn't have to be alone, but I opted for being alone. However... when I got home, I was talking to one of my friends, and after a lot of me spewing out loads of nonsense and hurtful things, I realized that I needed to end things with Google. This was not making me feel good or making me happy anymore. I'm not walking around with the smile I once was, instead I'm fighting back tears anytime anyone asks me about him. So, the only thing to do? Force him to talk to me, and break up. I think I knew it was what he wanted too. I mean depression is one thing, but to actively push someone away this way, speaks much louder than just being depressed. So, I drove over to Google's. I texted him before I left, saying I was coming over, regardless of the outcome, we were having this conversation TONIGHT. I called when I was near his place. No response to either the text or the call. However, not only did I find a parking spot on a night where it was near impossible to park ANYWHERE in the city, I found a spot that was facing his house, directly in front of his street. I could virtually stalk him from there, should I need to. Which is pretty much what I sent in the next text, I said, I found a spot on ___ street, and I'll stay here all night if I have to. No response. Half an hour goes by, and still nothing, so I text again... that it's pretty chilly, but I'm not leaving without having this conversation. He texts me back that he's not home, and I should just go home. Well, that just about made me lose it right there. He couldn't see me but he could go out! Oh hell no. So I texted him back that very statement, and he said, he didn't want to talk to me, and I should go home. Well now it felt like it was turning into a power struggle, and I told him that I came here to talk to him, he needs to come home from wherever he is and talk to me. He replies that he doesn't want to. I sent another scathing text that I have done everything he has ever wanted in this relationship, and the one thing I ask for is a conversation, and he can't give that to me? To which he responds that he wants to break up, and has been feeling this way for a while now. Awesome. I text back, come say it to my face. He responds that he will, in the morning, he'll drive over to my house and we'll talk. No need, I respond, I'll sleep in the car, no biggie. (No response from him) I text him that why doesn't he come home from wherever he is, have this 5 minute conversation with me, and I'll drive him back to wherever he is. Keep in mind throughout all of this, I am raging mad. Furious. I'm imagining he's out at the bar with his friends, they're all laughing at me as I'm sitting in my car waiting for him, and they're telling him what to say, etc. I get a text back from my last one (offering to drive him back to the bar once he's done talking to me...), that he lied, he's home, has been the whole time, and he's coming down to let me in. Oh dear. So my rage quickly turns then, I mean he REALLY did not want to see me, bad enough that he was going to lie to me, be REALLY mean to me through text in the hopes that I would turn around and go home. Well I didn't. And in the end, I'm glad I held my ground.

He comes down, and when I say this boy looks like hell, it hardly does it justice. Now I will always think that he is adorable, no matter what, but he hadn't shaved (possibly showered even?) for days, when we got up to his apartment there were bags of food, girl scout cookies... It did not look like a healthy environment. It makes me really sad to see him that way. It was probably the most heart breaking moment of the evening. I wanted to cry for how bad he must be feeling. But I held my ground, didn't even take off my coat or gloves. I made him tell me how he was feeling - he says he isn't sure about his feelings towards me, but right now does not want to continue dating. This is pretty sad for me, because it's been a long time since I've really liked a guy this much, but I'm glad he was honest with me. I can start getting over it and move on. He goes on to say how he wants us to be friends, and maybe someday he'll feel differently... I don't know if I can handle that so much. That sense of false hope, I'm not going to wait around for him to figure out if this is what he wants or how he feels. I'm going to be sad, and deal with it, and move on. I gave him his Valentine's Day present, which was a cookbook that he really wanted, he looked at it on our first date, and we went to the chef's restaurant for his birthday, so it holds a lot of meaning for me about him. And I knew he really wanted it. He got a little choked up, and teary, which of course made me get a little choked up... but I knew I had to leave. He kissed me goodbye, and said he was sure he'd see me sometime soon (I don't know how that's going to happen), and I left. A bit broken hearted, but a bit stronger knowing that I did the right thing.

I would have spent who knows how many days waiting for him to talk to me after this weekend. Yes, I'm sad that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but I don't have all these feelings of anxiety and worry about what will happen next. So, I took a big risk with Google. I put my heart out there, and it got returned a little bit bruised and beaten. But I don't regret a single moment of it, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I will miss him, and I can't imagine getting back out there again. But I know I will, I don't ever stay out of the game for long.