Sad. Happy. Fine.

For the past 3 days I've been an emotional roller coaster. Monday was a wash. I cried for the better part of the day, but spent it amongst good friends and my family. First stop was to my parents' house to drop off more food for my dog, he was staying there because I was supposed to be staying over in Philly from Sunday - Monday, and when those plans were canceled on Sunday afternoon, I was too upset at the time to tell my parents, and go pick him up. He was already there, so I let him stay there over night. The first thing my mom asks, of course, is how my night was. My eyes immediately welled up, and I managed to tell her that we broke up. Now, I'm not saying my mom is happy about this, because she doesn't want to see me upset, but my parents have a dream of me marrying someone Jewish... and well, now that door is open for her once again. I didn't stay long, couldn't really handle it at the time, and left to have lunch/coffee with friends. I hadn't eaten anything in over 24 hours, and forced myself to eat some lunch, which did me no good, because it just made me sick to my stomach anyway. For the past 6 or 7 days now I've been existing on loads of caffeine and approximately one small meal a day (so I don't pass out), my stomach doesn't do well with food & upset. Food = Happy for me. Sad = LOTS of coffee. This may have something to do with why I'm not sleeping well either. Hmm. Anyway, after spending some good girl time, I headed back to my parents where I zoned out in front of the TV for a while, made the mistake of watching the episode of How I Met Your Mother, which I had missed last Monday, and that made me cry. Not because it was sad, but the show reminds me of Google. At dinner with my parents and grandma, I just sat there and tears were streaming down my face, I couldn't even help it. I tried to stop, I've never had this kind of emotional reaction to a break up EVER before. I've been there for friends who have had this kind of thing happen to them, but for me, this was BRAND NEW. And for my parents and grandmother too. I pulled it together, but didn't eat much, since lunch had done nothing good for me. I was zoning out again in front of the tv, when my mom asked me if I wanted any dessert. Oh dear lord, I started crying again. Because dessert reminded me of Google. SERIOUSLY?? Is this the kind of girl I've become?? Is this what happens when someone you really like breaks up with you? I think with all my other break ups I had been way more mentally prepared for them. This didn't take me off guard, I did know it was coming, but I think I didn't prepare myself for it, why should I? We had only been dating less than 2 months, The Bad Kisser was about the same amount of time, and that didn't even affect me in the least. Granted, I didn't really like the Bad Kisser. So, I really liked Google, and he bruised my heart (I refuse to say he broke my heart - because that's a little excessive - don't you think?), and I was sad for an entire day. I had no idea how I would make it back at school the next day. Most people knew, because they read this, or could gather from Facebook posts that not all was well. But there was still the few who would come into my room, with big expectations that I would have some story of my exciting weekend. I only teared up once at school, when I had to tell my co-teacher, other than that, I was pretty much ok. Kids really keep you busy, and they keep your mind off things. And if they think you're sad (and they like you), they are extra good, and sweet. And since we missed school before Valentine's Day, there was a lot of gift giving from the kids, cards and candy, which rather made up for my rather sucky Valentine's Day anyway. My school Valentine's Days are always WAY better than my adult ones.

This brings us to 6th period on Tuesday. I have some fantastic, if not very opinionated, co-workers who I spend my prep time with. They all come from very different perspectives when it comes to giving me advice, and they proceeded to embark on 2 hour tirade which consisted of them completing tearing me apart, breaking this down as to how this whole break up was probably my fault anyway, and what was wrong with me in relationships. Ok, that sounds really harsh, and trust me, most of it was... but I felt really good the entire time we were having this discussion. It helps to see how other people see you, even if the most hurtful things come out. I don't accept criticism. I know. I like to be right. I know this too. I'm defensive. I like to be in control. All of this is nothing new to me, but hearing it from 3 people who see me on a day to day basis, it does open my mind up that maybe there are things about me that I should be dealing with before I jump into the next relationship. Basically it came down to this, What is it about me that attracts the same guy, over and over? Really, Google was just 7 years older version of Mr. Perfect. Parts of his life were more together than Mr. P's, but 7 years ago, he was probably not all that different. I left school feeling great. It sounds weird, but I felt like it was a good break through, and all of this is manageable. I went out to dinner with 2 of my best friends, and I was fine. One of my best friends is convinced that Mr. Perfect is actually "the one" and I just don't know it yet. I don't agree, but it's interesting how set she is on that. We talked, I ate (that made 2 meals for yesterday & dessert, with no tears!), and I went home feeling good and full.

I made the mistake of logging onto Match last night, just to see, my profile is hidden so no one can see if I'm on it or not, and no one can contact me or vice versa. I'm really not ready for it yet. But, I checked and sure enough, Google was already back on and had removed me from his favorites. Well, obviously he would, but just seeing that, made the hurt come back ten fold, and then having eaten such a large dinner was not a good idea. I immediately got nauseous and really upset. I just couldn't believe he was already actively dating, 2 days later. Or at least trying to. I decided it was better to go try and sleep it off than stay up and obsess over it. I slept well until about 3:30, and then couldn't get back to sleep until about 5:30, and my alarm goes off at 6. I was still feeling sick this morning, but I can't let this interfere with my life, so I went to work. First period was abysmal. I couldn't get my head on straight, my students were definitely picking up on my bad mood, putting them into a bad/unproductive mood, and it was not a good class. Thankfully, during my 2nd period break, with the help of colleagues, I got it together and figured out something to do during the next period, which was a good thing because I had my final observation sprung on me, as a surprise right as the period was starting. I knew it was coming sometime this week or next, but I thought because of the snow, it would probably be next. Thankfully all went well, and my final observation as a non-tenured teacher is over! Again, I left school today feeling much better than I came in. No tears today either.

I'm going to be fine. I'm ALWAYS fine. This time though, I actually want to be better than fine. I do want to take my friends' advice and figure out what is it about me that attracts guys with severe depression issues? And why do I want to stay with them through it. Seriously, I can't say that even knowing what I've been through, if Google changed his mind, I wouldn't be interested in trying this out again. KNOWING that he'll have another phase where he'd shut me out, and knowing how hurt that makes me, I'd still do it. That worries me. Because I shouldn't. Because no one in their right mind should care about how another person feels more than how they feel themselves. And that's what it was with Google, for at least the past 2-3 weeks. I was so concerned with his feelings, that I never wanted to tell him how I was feeling about his lack of communication, or that it hurt my feelings when he wouldn't ask me about me, I never wanted to upset him, so I avoided conversations like that. I didn't want to push him. And when I did finally push him, it was because I knew we were going to break up. I'd probably still be sitting around today, wondering what was going on, if I hadn't forced that conversation. I know all this, yet I know that I'd do it again, if he wanted to. That is not fine, and I know that. That's what I need to work on.

Do I think the sad part is over? Not at all. I imagine I'm going to have more bad nights and mornings, and that's part of this process. And I know that there is so much happiness in my life. I am so lucky to have the love in my life, and be able to appreciate it. And for now, I am fine. I'm just hoping sooner rather than later, I'll be better than fine, and back to happy all the time.