In like a Lion.

Where did February go? I realized this morning, as I was thinking back over the short month of February, that my life right now is not all that different than it was throughout most of my relationship with Google during the month of February, except the past 2 weeks I've known that he didn't want to see me, rather than spending all that agonizing time wondering if it was me or just my imagination. But I'm forcing myself to get past this, and my mind/heart isn't cooperating so much.

This weekend I spent more time with Mr. Perfect than I have in a very long time. Probably not since the summer, when we were still basically dating, just without calling it that, and the line between friendship and relationship was very very blurry. On Thursday night, I came down with a really bad cold, very quickly, and didn't have any meds at my house to counteract it. I posted something silly on facebook about how I would give anything for someone to bring me some Nyquil, and that I was sick, basically. The next day was yet another snow day, due to the impending "snowicane" that never happened, but yet another day of school canceled and the library was closed as well. I had the whole day off, and wasn't really sure what to do with myself.

Around 10ish, Mr. P texts me to see how I'm feeling, and if I got the meds I wanted last night. I responded that I didn't get any Nyquil and I'd like to get out to the drugstore at some point during the day to get it. He says that he's going to shovel out his car, and if the roads are ok, he'll drive up, help me shovel, and he'll take me to the drugstore, because he knows I hate driving in the snow. At the thought of spending the day alone or with Mr. Perfect, obviously, Mr. P wins that one. I agree, tell him I'm getting in the shower, but I'll leave the front door open so he can come in when he gets here. About an hour or so later, I'm showered, dressed, drying my hair, and I hear my dog barking but I checked the door and no one had come in, so I figured he was just barking at my neighbors shoveling across the street. I finish getting ready and look at my front window to see Mr. P has already shoveled my driveway, sidewalk, walkway, and my neighbor's as well. And at the time, he was salting it. It wasn't a huge amount of snow, he might have been there for 20 minutes or so, but the fact that he came over, did all of that, without being asked, without any prompting at all, made me remember what a great guy he really is. But this doesn't blur my lines of friendship with him, just makes me appreciate that he is still in my life.

After he was done shoveling, salting, and clearing my driveway, we went to the drugstore, ran some errands, and ended up having some lunch at Panera. We sat and talked for nearly 2 hours, just about everything. His issues with dating, my issues with Google, things that we wished we could have done differently between us, it was all fair game at lunch. And it didn't seem to make things weird, or uncomfortable for either of us. He has started seeing a therapist for his depression issues, which makes me really happy. I know I can't fix his problems, I couldn't when we were dating, and I can't now, but I'm glad he's finally seeking some help beyond himself. His therapist continually tells him (which he then tells me) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. This makes me happy, because, honestly, it's what I always believed. I pushed him to confront a lot of issues he didn't want to deal with while we were dating. I made him talk to me about things that he would have rather just shut me out of completely. In the end, it didn't matter for our relationship, but I am glad that he recognizes how good I was for him. We talked about letting things go, and he made some sort of comment about how he's never let me go, and I think he won't until he finds someone new. I don't know if it's hard for him to listen to me talk about Google, but he asks, and wants to talk about it. I never bring it up unless he does. Maybe it helps him let it go a little bit, knowing that I don't have those same feelings for him anymore. We hung out for a while, went to see a movie together (I paid, to thank him for shoveling and doing all of that for me, and I had a gift card.)

Last night was the rescheduled show that Google was supposed to go with to see my friend's play. I had the extra ticket, because obviously Google wasn't going anymore. Mr. Perfect had offered to take the extra ticket, and I was ok with that. My friends who we were going up with are probably the closest to Mr. Perfect out of all my friends, we spent the most time together with them, and Mr. Perfect and my friend's husband were pretty good friends while we were dating. I was a little nervous about it seeming like a double date, but we managed to pull it off without any real awkwardness... that is until I got an email from my ex of 5 years ago's sister, (that is something for another post) but it brought up the conversation of all the guys I've dated and what losers they all were. Seriously, my friends who were there with me had met most of the guys I've dated seriously throughout the years, the poker player, the Israeli, CK. They knew them all and of all my exes, the only one they've ever really liked was Mr. Perfect. So we went on a very long tirade about my exes, in front of Mr. P, which was probably a little uncomfortable for him, although we all tried to assure him that of all these guys, he was the best of them. He tried to pay for my dinner, although he had already paid me for his ticket for the show, which I told him he didn't have to because I had bought the ticket for Google and had already counted it as a loss when I wouldn't take his money for it either. But he insisted, so there was NO way I was going to let him pay for my dinner. On the car ride home, I fell asleep and ended up sleeping on his shoulder the whole way home, which was probably the most physical contact we've had in months. It didn't spark anything though, he dropped me off at home, no kisses or hugs, just a sleepy good night at my door. The line between our friendship and our past has not been blurred by recent events.

I know he's really lonely, and doesn't have a group of friends to rely on, and that he misses me and my friends, so I'm not going to shut him out, just because we used to date and no longer do... I can be mature enough to allow him into my circle of friends, and if he starts dating someone and this friendship fades, that's fine. I don't have any hope that things with Mr. Perfect and I would ever be worked out, he's not right for me, and I want so much more than what he's capable of giving. It's weird that I can feel that for him, and recognize the exact same things in Google. Google never gave me what I wanted as a boyfriend, there's no way he would ever be able to do that as a friend... it still doesn't make me wish it were different any less. Although by now, I was hoping to be past it. We have communicated a few times on IM. Nothing substantial, nothing even worth writing about. It's enough to give me that false sense of hope, and yet not enough to make a damn bit of difference.

I am moving on. I have been talking with 3 new guys. I'm trying to muster up the excitement to go on these dates, and get back out there. I know I can meet people, and I know I can go out on a lot of dates, and most will want to go on second dates, and maybe even thirds. But my heart's not in it yet. I'm hoping that March brings everything that February couldn't.