Juggling

I went to Connecticut this weekend for my brother-in-law's sister's baby's christening. On Friday night, after I returned from the Israeli's, I spoke briefly with the acupuncturist. He invited me to a see a show with him on Saturday night, but I had already made the plans to be out of the city, so obviously I couldn't go. He was clearly disappointed, and since I hadn't seen him since last weekend, I could tell he was trying to figure out his schedule to see if he could see me this weekend at all. I invited him to come down to Brooklyn after he was done work (he had a late appointment on Friday night and would have been done around 9 or so.) but he had to be up early to do a lecture Saturday morning, and I had foolishly agreed to teach Saturday school this past week as well. Needless to say, it didn't work out for Friday, which was for the better for me anyway. I had already seen the Israeli that afternoon, and really needed to catch up on my graduate school work in which I have been falling farther and farther behind.

After getting up way too early on Saturday, and teaching 10 5th graders remedial math skills, I boarded the metro-north to Connecticut. Saturday and Sunday were nice days spent in the country on my sister's in-laws' farm. There was good food, good drinks, and good times spent with family. I also got to play with my new camera, and take pseudo artistic pictures.

Baby Fist - My favorite picture of the weekend.

Coming home on Sunday, I had made tentative plans to meet up with the acupuncturist for dinner. I called him to let him know I was getting on a train 2 hours later than I had expected, and wouldn't be back in Brooklyn until about 7:30. He didn't know if he was going to be done in time to meet up, and said he'd call me closer to then. So at about 6ish he called me, and said that he'd be able to meet up later around 8:30 or 9. I would have been fine with that, but he was coming in from Queens and knew he had to work today as well, so I didn't want him to feel obligated to come out and meet me. He said he just really wanted to see me, and he didn't care if it was going to be late. I wasn't sure what my plans for the week were going to be yet, and he wanted to make sure that he saw me before the weekend, since he didn't get to see me this weekend. I told him to call me around 7:30 to see if he really was up for making the hour long trip on the train to and from Brooklyn.

About 15 minutes after I got off the phone with him, my phone rang again, I half thought it was going to be the acupuncturist canceling plans for the night, because he realised the absurdity of it. It was the Israeli. He was calling to see if I was back from Connecticut yet. I told him I was on the train but would be back around 7:30. He asked me if I wanted to come over when I got back. Without hesitation, and without considering that I already made tentative plans... I said yes. We talked for a little bit longer, and the girl sitting next to me was giving me strange looks because I had clearly just made two dates with two different people for the same night. As soon as I got off the phone with the Israeli I called the acupuncturist. I told him that tonight probably would end up being too late, and I was getting up at 5 to go to the gym (true!) so I shouldn't be out late and could we reschedule for Tuesday? We agreed to Tuesday, and I felt really weird having just juggled dates between the 2 guys I am seeing, neither of them aware of the other's existence. The Israeli knew I went out with the acupuncturist on Valentine's Day, but doesn't know of any further developments (not that there is much to speak of besides some tea and coffee, and couple of kisses. Really.)

The show the acupuncturist invited me to on Saturday night that I couldn't make it to? A juggling show.

4 weeks later.

When I spent the night at the Israeli's on Tuesday, he had mentioned something in passing about hanging out on Friday night. I didn't hear from him at all Weds. (with the exception of the text confirming that I did in fact leave my converse at his place that morning) or Thurs. So, around 4 this afternoon when I was feeling kind of anxious about it, I did something very girl-ish. I called him, under the pretenses that I was only calling him to find out when I could come by to pick up my shoes. I don't usually call the Israeli, ever actually, and especially not to make plans. I let him do the calling. I'm usually the passive-aggressive pursuer, choosing to rely on text messages over phone calls. I left him a message and saw that he was online when I got home from school. He IMed me - "You're really attached to those shoes?" was his exact comment. Why shouldn't I be? We chatted a bit online, and he asked if I wanted to come over for a few hours before he had to go to services tonight. For an Israeli who claimed to not be religious at all, he's been to some sort of Shabbat function the past 3 weeks in a row (and seriously, and it's only been 4 weeks (5 weekends) that I've known him.) 3/5 weeks of shabbat, sounds pretty religious to me. Which is fine, and I don't mind, but then don't claim to be not religious at all.

So I went over to pick up my shoes. He made some sort of remark that I should get there quickly. When I asked why he said, "oh, well unless you are really coming over just for your shoes." I took my time getting there - on purpose. I showed up about an hour later, knowing full well that he had to leave in about an hour. And for some reason as soon as I got there, everyone I had been trying to reach via phone/text the past few days chose that time to get back to me. My phone wouldn't stop ringing, and a few calls I answered (I know it's rude, but he ALWAYS answers his phone - unless we're right in the middle of something.. and then he won't. But otherwise, it's fair game.) I am going to CT to visit my sister, and my parents are coming up too tomorrow into Sunday, and the Israeli asked me when was the last time I saw my sister. I said that I think it was a little over a month ago, and his response was, wow that's a long time. I don't think so at all, and I happened to say to the Israeli - Well, I've known you for a month now, and I don't think that's a very long time. He responded, yes, but it feels like much longer, doesn't it? And he's right. It does. And I was having a conversation today with a co-worker about this very topic. Israelis are kind of intense with the way they spend their time. Today is the only time I've ever seen the Israeli that I did not spend the night at his apartment. (He also has been bugging me a lot lately about the fact that he has never been to my place - I have a roommate, he doesn't...why would we ever come here?). It feels like I've known the Israeli for a long time, as each one of our dates counts as at least one and half if not double the amount of a regular date. It also creates a greater sense of familiarity with the other person, because you are sharing so much time, space, togetherness...

Anyway, my time today with the Israeli was quick, and I ended up falling asleep on his couch while he was getting showered and ready for his night. I dropped him off at the bus station - and that was it. So different in so many aspects than our date that took place just 4 weeks ago.

You could be home.

I apologize for the incoherence of this blog in advance. It is being written at almost 11pm at night, going on only 2 and a half hours of sleep from the night before.

I've been really "good" lately, and I've started getting up at 5am and going to the gym in the morning before work. I enjoy going to the gym super early for a few reasons. 1. It's never crowded. 2. It's a good way to start your day 3. I find I have more energy during the day. 4... Ok, so anyway, I was planning on going to bed last night REALLY early. Like in the 9's early. I got a phone call around 9:30, from the Israeli. Which was a little strange because he called me on Monday night, so I really didn't expect to hear from him on Tuesday too. He was home early from a work event, and asked if I wanted to come over. I had a brief internal struggle that was something along the lines of what is more important - sleep or sex? I went over to his apartment.

I got to his place around 10. I knew getting there so late, the earliest I'd be in bed would be around midnight, which would still put me at 5 hours of sleep, which isn't bad. Nothing significant happened between the hours of 10-12. We made out, read more of the book (which is taking FOREVER to finish. It's not a long book.), and chatted while he made his lunch for the next day. We were in bed around 12, but neither of us were really tired. I don't know why I wasn't, I only had 5 hours of sleep the night before too. But I just wasn't sleepy. We stayed up and had some pretty serious talks, ones that we haven't really had since before he told me that he was leaving in May. Most of it is not really all that interesting, but there was one part that made me sad, and happy, and angry all at once. I'll transcribe it as best I can...

Israeli: You know, sometimes I wish I didn't have a family I was close to.
Me: Why not?
Israeli: Because, you know. I miss them a lot, and I want to live near them, but if I didn't have any family I could live whereever.
Me: Like where?
Israeli: Like here. I could stay here. With you. And you could be home.
Me: (caught off guard - putting up my guard at the same time) That's nice but you have your family, and you can't stay here...
Israeli: I know.

Wow, I am so sweet aren't I? A boy says probably one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me in a long time... and I just bring it right back down. It was a weird moment. We were up really late. We finally fell asleep around 2:30, I got up at 5. I'm exhausted - but last night was a night like we haven't had in a long time.

Just for timeline sake, I've been dating the acupuncturist for over a month now and it will be 4 weeks with the Israeli on Friday. These have been the longest running datees for a while now, with no imminent end (with the exception of a quickly approaching May) in sight.

Distraction

I am supposed to be writing a paper for grad school tonight. It is due on Tuesday, and I've barely started. I don't want to have to take a day off right after a week of vacation because I haven't finished it... So it would be in my best interest to be working on this paper all day today and tomorrow - which was my full intention.

The day started off not very productive though. I slept until almost noon, which is completely out of character for me. I had been up kind of late the night before, but not late enough to really warrant sleeping until the afternoon. As soon as I got up, I was planning on getting started with no distractions. I am having a complete block though when it comes to writing this paper, and around 4, I decided to start cleaning up the living room because my roommate was having friends over tonight and the place was a bit of a mess. Not 10 minutes after I start cleaning, my phone rings, and it's the acupuncturist. He had some Chinese New Year's celebration thing that he was doing in Chinatown today, and was only a few stops away on the F. He asked if I wanted to get together for a little bit, and being the procrastinator that I am, of course I decided to go. I shoved the rest of the mess that was out in the living room into my bedroom (not that you can tell the difference - my bedroom looks like my closets threw up all over my room.) I rushed to shower and get dress, and went to meet the acupuncturist around 4:30. We walked down to the tea lounge, but it was very crowded and there were no seats. So we tried a little further down at Sweet Melissa's... again, very crowded and no seats. We walked up Court St, and he wanted to stop into the middle eastern music store, which was fine. Everything though was in Arabic and I couldn't read or understand a thing. We decided to continue walking up Court to Montague St. to try to find a cafe there that was a little less crowded. Since the acupuncturist had been on his feet all day, he really was itching to find a place to sit. We managed to get a table at a nice cafe on Montague, and we sat and talked. I must have been stressing about the paper, because I was finding it hard to focus on the conversation, and I must have seemed distracted to him. I am not usually at a loss for things to talk about with the acupuncturist, and usually we have no trouble making conversation. Tonight however was not like that. After we left the coffee shop, we walked briefly (and without any conversation) over to the promenade, but I was cold and antsy to get home. He offered to walk me back to Bergen St. which was nice, but I was kind of tired of walking in silence. He probably would have been offended though if I had said, no thanks - I can walk by myself... So we walked back, most of the way in silence, or him talking and me barely paying attention - my mind was in a million different places. I felt bad - but I just wasn't in the dating mindset. We parted at the subway stop, he kissed me goodbye, and that was it. I feel kind of lousy with how I was acting on the date. Lately in general I've been having a hard time focusing on anything, and it's kind of starting to freak me out. Adult ADD? Or maybe I've just spread myself too thin amongst too many people and there is too much going on for me to focus on just one.

Missing Me

With the exception of happy hour on Tuesday night and last night, I realized that my entire vacation was spent in the company of boys.

Thursday I spent the majority of the day in the library, supposed to be doing my paper that is due on Tuesday. But really I was alternating between not wanting to see the Israeli and being really mad that I hadn't heard from him since I dropped him off on Monday after our trip to AC - and really I was chalking it up to I would probably not hear from him anytime this week.

After I wasted about 4 hours in the library, supposedly working, I was packing up my stuff getting ready to go home to go out for dinner - when who should call? The Israeli of course. I just made plans for dinner, and I felt ok at that point about not seeing the Israeli. He must have sensed it, and called. He asked me if I wanted to come over after his Hillel event that night, and because I'm a sucker... I said yes. I had plans to see another friend very early the next morning, so I had to reschedule that for later in the afternoon. As I realized that my schedule was jam packed for at least the next 24 hours, I wished that I hadn't wasted those 4 hours at the library doing absolutely nothing.

Dinner was nice. It was good to see an old friend and catch up after many years. I was home around 9:30, with just enough time to hang out with my roommate a bit and get ready before I was supposed to see the Israeli at 10. He was supposed to call me around 10 when his event was over. By 11:30 when he still hadn't called, I was irritated. There is nothing I hate more than waiting around for someone to call, when I could be doing other things... like sleeping. So finally, at 11:30 - I called him. He was still at Hillel, and I can't be mad, because he did say sometime AFTER 10... which 11:30 is clearly after 10. I would have liked a phone call or text to let me know that it was going to be MUCH after 10, but I guess I can't be that picky with a guy I'm only kind of, sort of dating. I picked him up from Hillel to save the time he would've had to spend walking home and me waiting at his apartment. A good deal for both of us. For it being so late, he was wide awake and full of energy when I came to get him. We went back to his place and hung out talking, reading, watching some tv, making out and stuff. It's funny because when I don't see him for a few days, I don't think much about it, but he's always telling me how much he misses me. He doesn't call me or let me know in any way that he misses me. But it's always one of the first thing he says is that he missed me.

I think the problem is since he is leaving in a few months, I am trying my hardest to find things about that I don't like which in turn keeps me from REALLY liking him. So I spend a lot of time fixating on his "Israelisms" which are a complete turn off for me. Which doesn't make for a very good relationship right now, because it's a hard task to fixate so much on the things you don't like about a person when you are trying to have any sort of relationship with them.

Thursday night was really fun, and I had a great time as usual... but the little things are creeping up on me all the time. I really don't know how he feels about any of this, I doubt he even thinks about it. Well, except for the fact that he is always missing me. Ha.

Days like these...

Today felt like it was never going to end. First, I had plans to go see a movie with the college kid and every time I make plans with him, I seem to forget that he is the epitome of social awkwardness and I regret it as soon as I get there. I really wanted to see this movie, and no one else had off this entire week... so I made plans with him. I was meeting up with the acupuncturist at 8 in the village, so I figured we'd go to the movie, maybe grab a bite to eat. No harm, no foul. Never again. Seriously. I don't think I can be friends with this kid. It is PAINFUL having conversation with him and trying to have normal interactions. He's that guy on the subway who doesn't realize how loud he's talking and I noticed today that he kind of talks like a robot. It's all very monotone with very little inflection. He also brought up the autism and tourette's syndrome a couple of times, which just made me uncomfortable. And even snuck in some meds not very conspicuously. The movie was great though, I liked it a lot, and I'm glad I got to see it. Although I did have to spend the entire time making sure I sat with my body turned away from him, displaying very closed body language, so he didn't try anything funny. After the movie, it was quite a nice afternoon, and we walked around SoHo and the Village before deciding on a place to eat. It was fine except I did spend a lot of time trying to walk away from him, and ignoring most of the conversation he was making (poorly), and just trying to enjoy the almost spring-like weather. At dinner he asked me how I felt about him, which I thought I made clear last time when I said I wanted to be friends. So I told him I thought he was nice. I don't know, what am I supposed to say - that I think he's weird and makes me uncomfortable just to be in his presence. I think he got the hint though. He kept asking me why I had an online ad up if I didn't have anytime to date. Should I have said that I just didn't want to date him, and if I really liked him I would make/find the time? At one point during the meal, he put his head in his hands and just sat there with his eyes closed for about 5 minutes. I was wondering if he had fallen asleep or was crying. Either way, I was extremely uncomfortable. After dinner, I made it clear that I was not going to hang out with him any longer, even though I had 2 hours almost until I was meeting the acupuncturist. I hung out at Barnes and Noble and a small independent bookstore, and the acupuncturist met me there.

Now, I am of the belief that awful things happen to me before my dates with the acupuncturist to make me appreciate my dates with him more (Last time the Israeli told me he was leaving in 4 months). I'm not saying that he's not a really nice guy, because he is. However, if I didn't consistently have bad experiences before my dates with him, I don't know if I would be as into him. Spending the afternoon with the college kid made me really really appreciate the time I spent tonight with the acupuncturist. First, I was grateful to have non-awkward conversation. And that is a stretch for the acupuncturist as well, because he too is shy and socially awkward... just not socially inept like the kid.

The date with the acupuncturist was great, we met up at a small independent bookstore that we went to on our last date. We went from there to a cafe in the Village where we had tea and dessert. It was really nice. We sat and talked for hours. We were the last ones to leave the cafe at 11. We then walked over to Washington Square Park, where we sat on a bench for a while, kissing and such. It was nice, but it was really cold. It wasn't so cold out, but when you're sitting in one spot for a while, it gets cold pretty quickly. But we manage to stay out for about half an hour. We walked to train, kissed some more, and then went our separate ways. I'm sure I will see him again, but I'd like it if nothing atrocious happened to me prior so I could get a good grasp on how I really feel about him. The thing is, I think I could continue dating him for a long time. But at the same time, I can't see it going anywhere really serious. I could see myself casually dating him for as long as he's going to allow it, and have a good time the entire time. I don't think it will progress any further in seriousness though.

Next year, I will spend President's Day by myself.

Everything changes so quickly that it is difficult to pinpoint the exact moment where I decided that this just wasn't fun anymore. I had an interesting weekend with the Israeli that included a weekend trip, 48 hours straight together, and him meeting my parents.

My mom called me on Friday morning and told me that she and my father had gotten a hotel room in Atlantic City for the weekend, and then they decided that they didn't want it for both nights. She asked me if I wanted it for the second night (Sunday into Monday). The Israeli had mentioned to me on one of our first dates that he really wanted to go to Atlantic City, so my initial response was to invite him to go with me. I didn't really consider at the time what kind of message this was sending to him, or to myself, or to my parents... Here I was, just wanting to do something nice for the guy, and I didn't stop to think that inviting someone to go away with you for the weekend is a BFD (Big F'n Deal). Last year, on this very same weekend/week, I made the same catastrophic error with my ex. It was one year ago yesterday (President's Day just must be a bad day for me), where we had the most miserable day I think two people on vacation in Jamaica ever had. But it was all because it was way too soon, and we had spent way too much time together, and we didn't really know/understand the other... You would think I would learn from my mistakes. But I am jumping way ahead of myself...

The Israeli was very excited about the prospects of going to Atlantic City, he text messaged me back as soon as he got my message, telling me how I made his weekend. He called me while I was still teaching on Friday, and I called him back as soon as I got home. He was going to some overnight orthodox shabbat thing at Hillel, but wanted me to come over Saturday night and spend the night. So we could leave early on Sunday, I was thinking, sure it made perfect sense. He called me Saturday as soon as he left his Shabbaton thing, and wanted me to come over right away. I was doing some homework so I wouldn't be behind on grad school stuff if I took the 2 days off, and told him I'd be over later around 8 or so. I got caught up talking with my roommate and neighbor and didn't end up getting to his place until after 9. He called a few times to see where I was, he was REALLY anxious for me to get there.

Things were nice when I first got there, he seemed really happy to see me, and as it had been almost a week, he was all over me from the second I walked in the door. He also decided we needed to discuss further "about us." He asked me if I was planning on moving to Israel... um, nope. Not anytime in the near future that I'm planning. So, he decided that since this relationship can't go anywhere serious, he wants to have a semi-open relationship. I am not sure what that is, but what we decided is that if he is going to date someone else, he needs to tell me about it. In fairness to him, I told him about the acupuncturist, and he didn't really care. This kind of pissed me off, but I asked him if he really wasn't bothered by it, and he replied with, what do you want me to say? I can't do anything about it... Fair enough. So, we had dinner and watched tv, and I still had to do some reading for class. I took my book and went into the bedroom to read it. Mistake, I had fallen asleep before I knew it. I woke up slightly groggily around 1 am, to hear the Israeli on the phone. I wasn't sure who he was talking to, but it was someone who didn't speak Hebrew because he was speaking all in English. I could hear that he was making plans to go visit this person over Passover, and he seemed to be very excited to go wherever this person is. I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl at first, but by the conversation, I could tell that it was someone probably about our age. Then, he made some comment about the person he was talking to being a girl... so then I knew... and I was mad. But then he made a comment about how he was going to Atlantic City that weekend, and of course the person asked who he was going with. He hesitated when he said, Oh.. a friend. So I was mad already, but that pushed me over into really mad. Really really mad. Ok, it was one thing to be making plans to go visit someone, but to be making plans to go visit a girl, while I am asleep in HIS bed, and a few hours earlier he defintely wasn't treating me as just a friend. That was just too much for me. I was raging angry. Like heart pounding, fist clenching angry. I waited until he got off the phone with her, and then stayed in bed for a few minutes longer, because I wasn't sure what I was going to do next. Should I just get my things and storm out.. or should I confront him, or should I take the passive way out, and tell him I want to leave because I didn't feel well. The latter won. I came out of the bedroom, and he was very surprised to see me awake, but didn't seem guilty of anything. I was cold on top of being angry, and I told him that I didn't feel well, and I wanted to go home. Because of the cold and the anger, I was actually shaking, and not really portraying great motor skills. He didn't want me to drive home in that state, and kept trying to convince me to stay. He was very sympathetic, offering to make me tea, and came and wrapped a blanket around me. It was all very sweet, but I was so mad that I didn't care. Thankfully, Debbie sent me a text message on her way home from a date, so I knew she was up and I could call her. I called her from his bedroom, and sort of managed to get the story out in whispers and a lot of "uh-huh, yeah, no" one word responses that wouldn't clue him in to what I was upset about. Debbie convinced me that I should stay and figure out what was going on with the other girl, and not to give up a fun weekend down the shore for this. I had to agree, it would have been silly. The Israeli was great for the rest of the night, he had me switch sides of the bed with him so I slept on his side, and was more affectionate than he had been in previous nights.

In the morning, it seemed all was fine, until he asked me what I was doing the week of Passover. All the sudden, it all came crashing back to me, and I was angry all over again. I told him I didn't know yet, probably just going to my parents' house or something, and of course... I had to reciprocate the question. I held my breath, just anticipating what he was going to say. He said, oh I think I'm going to go to San Francisco. Oh really? I responded, who do you know out there? He replied without hesitation, Oh, my mother's cousin lives out there, I'm going to stay with her for the week. Oh. well. Aren't I the biggest idiot ever?? I went back and forth over that a couple of times, to figure out if he was lying or leaving something out, and it just didn't seem like it. He brought it up, he told me without me having to coerce it out of him. So again, I jumped to the wrong conclusion, and worked myself up over nothing.

We made it down the shore uneventfully, and met up with my parents for a late lunch/early dinner in the hotel. I had such a headache from the night before, and just wanted some time to myself, so as soon as we got there, I locked myself in the bathroom and left the Israeli with my mom for about 10 minutes. My dad came back with lunch/dinner not long after that, and the four of us ate in the hotel, and it was a little weird, but not too bad. I wanted to pick up a bottle of wine for later, and hadn't thought to stop along the way, so I decided to talk a walk up to the liquor store 2 blocks away from the hotel. I asked the Israeli to come with, but he preferred to stay in the hotel with my parents, so I let him. I felt a little strange leaving him there, but at that point I had been with him for almost 24 hours straight, and was grateful for the time alone.

After my parents left, we went down to the casinos to do some gambling. I won $60 on roulette, and he lost $50. We only stayed for a hour or so, because I could tell he wasn't really having fun, and casinos make me a little anxious anyway. All the bells and whistles, the lights and extra oxygen. It makes me a little stir crazy. We walked along the boardwalk, but AC in the winter is dead. Not to mention it was a Sunday night, so there was no one out... nothing to do. We walked on the beach for a little bit, and then went back to the room. I read from Oracle Night for a bit, and he started to doze off. The hotel had one of those huge jacuzzi bathtubs (the bathroom was bigger than my bedroom last year - I know that doesn't say a lot.. but still. it was huge), and I was dying for a bath. So, I let the Israeli sleep/watch tv, and I took a long luxurious bath. After a while though, I felt bad that I kept leaving him, so I invited him to the bath with me. We spent a while relaxing in the bath, and then went to bed. And even though it was a very intimate night, nothing physical at all happened. I don't know if it was because we were both tired or just tired of each other, but I wasn't feeling it, and from what I could tell, he wasn't either.

The morning was nice, we woke up about an hour before we had to get up, and spent time in bed. I read more from the book, and eventually, I got up and showered/dressed while he slept until just before we had to check out. We went to breakfast, and then to the outlet shops in downtown Atlantic City. During the course of the day, his Israeli side came out... and I remembered why I always said I didn't want to date an Israeli. We shopped for a while, and then out of nowhere, I was exhausted, and ready to be home and didn't even want to have a 3 hour car ride back with him to the city. He wanted to go to the liquor store before we left to pick up some stuff to bring back to his apartment (note: this was the same store I had gone to the day before and if he had wanted to come with me then, we would have to stop twice.) and then to the dollar store next door. I was at the point where I was just irritated, and the liquor store and dollar store in Atlantic City held just about every kind of mid-day drunk and delinquent. I was so ready to leave.

No sooner do we get 1o miles on the Parkway back to the city, do we get stopped in a 3 mile backup from an overturned car. An extra half an hour onto the trip. Grr. We had some good discussions on the way back, but he was being arrogant and ignorant at the same time. He wanted to argue with me the state of education and welfare in the country, but really had no basis or background knowledge to talk about it. He made me so mad at one point I told him he could either stop talking or I would pull over the car and he could walk the rest of the way back on the parkway. He stopped, for the most part. When we finally got back to Brooklyn, I had to drop him off at his apartment. When we were almost there, I mentioned that I was looking forward to getting Thai food for dinner. He was almost surprised when he said, Oh you don't want to go have pizza with me? As if he already mentioned that, and I was supposed to know that he wanted to have dinner with me. We had pizza on Sunday before we left Brooklyn, and to be honest, I wanted to go home. I actually turned to him at that point and said, "aren't you sick of me yet?" To which he responded, "Sick of you? of course not!" I was even sick of me at that point, and just couldn't take it anymore. I took him home and then dropped him off at Hillel, and we left it as we would talk later in the week. He leaned in to kiss me goodbye, but I just offered him my cheek. I think he really had a good time, so I feel bad that I couldn't replicate his excitement, but I think it was just way too much time together too early in the game.

I don't know what I feel about him right now. I have the week off of school and I'm seeing the acupuncturist on Weds, right after I am seeing a movie and having dinner with the college kid Wednesday afternoon. But I am really sure he knows it's just as friends at this point.

Conversation Hearts

What is Valentine's Day like in like the life of a serial dater? It was really boring, but in a good way. I was hoping for some drama, some picking and choosing. But no, the Israeli made that really easy for me last night when he called me to tell me that he doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day, and not to even expect a phone call. Ok, maybe that was not the exact reason of his call. But he did mention it.

I had already scheduled the date with the acupuncturist, who I hadn't seen in almost 3 weeks before tonight. He had told me that he'd text me today to let me know where and when we were meeting up for the date. I went into the date with very little to no expectations. Truth be told, my heart really just wasn't in it. I mean, I know I liked him before I met the Israeli, but I feel like once I met the Israeli - I couldn't fathom anything else. We were pretty intense pretty fast, so I guess it's natural that it fades that fast too.

I met up with the Acupuncturist in the Village around 7:30. It was snowy and cold, but overall a nice night. He had a dozen roses for me, again. And this time though, I was very appreciative of them right away and didn't look at them like they were alien babies like I did last time. We walked to the restaurant, a cute Italian place not far from the train. Once we got to dinner and were seated, he produced a box of Godiva chocolates as well. I was a little flustered at first. As we sat down, and I was settling with my large puffy winter coat, a dozen flowers, and my bag on the chair next to me, I turned to him, and he has a small-ish square box out in front of him, which in the dark light looked eerily like a jewelry box. He says, here this is for you too. And I sighed with relief once I realized that it was chocolates, and not something more intense. Hey, you never know from a guy who brings a dozen roses on the first date. I felt pretty guilty because I had bought him nothing. But then again, what do you buy a guy you barely know for Valentine's Day? I thanked him graciously, and that was that.

While we were waiting for dinner, I commented on how I like drawing on paper tablecloths, and was disappointed that the restaurant had not provided any drawing utensils. The acupuncturist quickly produced a pen and I began doodling and drawing all over the table. I really can be such a child sometimes. I commented on how I had never seen his handwriting, and he should write something down on the table so I could see it. He wrote down his favorite quote on the table, and has the most amazing handwriting I've ever seen. I know, that's so geeky of me, to like a guy's handwriting... but I really had never seen such beautiful handwriting just written so casually. Dinner came, we ate, talked... dinner was over, I drew on the table some more. It was nice, and I remembered why I liked him in the first place. There was one moment though, that my phone rang while we were eating dinner, where I thought briefly, oh, I wonder if that's the Israeli - and maybe he changed his mind and wants to see me tonight. It was a fleeting thought, and soon found out it was my parents calling me to thank me for the card I sent. I wish that I hadn't wanted it to be the Israeli while I was on the date with acupuncturist. But I couldn't help it, and it passed quickly.

After dinner, we walked over to a very cool bookstore I had never been to before. They had books that are basically publisher's remnants, and had books at very cheap/reasonable prices. It was a very cool store, and that alone would have made my evening - no flowers, no candy, just an awesome new bookstore for me to spend too much money in. He did corner me a bit in the bookstore and kissed me. Which was nice, and caught me a little off guard too. I had thought because of the public nature of the date, I would be free from worry about kissing him. Since the Israeli and I are still up in the air, I didn't know if what I was doing was wrong or not. I went with it, it would be too hard to explain at that point, why I couldn't kiss him. So I did, and it was nice.

We stayed at the bookstore until they closed and we walked to the train together. He took the train uptown, and I took it down. He kissed me again in the subway station, before we each parted and went our own ways.

The whole train ride home I was trying to weigh pros and cons of the acupuncturist and the Israeli. Pros for the acupuncturist - he's sweet, romantic, NOT leaving the country in 4 months... Cons for the acupuncturist - he's a bit awkward/shy in conversation, timing/scheduling conflicts (although I may be partly responsible for that on purpose...) Israeli pros - cute, funny, smart, likes to read (with me), great chemistry... ok I could go on. Cons for the Israeli - leaving in May, may only want to be my friend.

No plans with anyone yet coming up. I have the entire week off next week..Yay for mid-winter break! The college kid (mini-D) wants to hang out... I did tell him I want to be friends, he's clearly taking me up on that. He called me today too, to wish me a happy Valentine's Day. It was sweet. He's a nice kid. But that's what he is though... a kid.

Eggs in a Basket

About a week ago, I put all my eggs in one basket and told the Israeli that we wouldn't date anyone else, 4 days later he tells me that he's leaving sooner than he thought, and doesn't know that he wants any "responsibility" (read: commitment) his last 4 months here. I asked him what does he want to do then, about us? He didn't know. So where does that leave me?

Yesterday was the Israeli's birthday. He turned 26. It's funny because before we met he had told me that he was already 26, and on our first date, somehow the topic of birthdays came up. I told him mine was in September, and asked when his was. He told me his was in a few weeks, so I replied, Oh you'll be 27? To which he responded, no 26. He explained that since he was turning 26 so soon, he felt that he could just round up, he was almost 26 anyway. A-men to that. I completely agree... and have been guilty of the very same thing. I start rounding up my age towards the end of July. And I get grief for it from most of my friends who know about it. It's amusing that I've found someone who does the same.

Anyway, what can you do for someone that you've been dating barely a week on their birthday? Not much. He had a ski trip all day with his job anyway and did not get back to Brooklyn until late. I had gotten him a friendly card (nothing romantic at all about it), and made him a cd (how very high school of me!), also I gave him a book of mine that he had mentioned that he wanted to read and these earbud things for the headphones that I used to use, but stopped because I kept loosing the earbud piece and they hurt my ears. Anyway, he had lost one of his earbuds, and you really can't use the headphones without them. So I gave him my used ones. It was seriously the most hand-me-down birthday present I ever gave someone. He seemed to appreciate the gesture though.

I got to his apartment not until just after midnight, and he was exhausted from skiing. I gave him his gift but wasn't sure if I was going to be spending the night or not. I kept my coat and bag on the entire time I was there, while we were talking. And we talked for quite a while. I started heading over to the door, to leave, around 12:45ish, because if I wanted to get any sleep, I'd want to be home by 1. He says to me, "you know you can sleep here." I reply, "I know... but I have to get up early... and you don't." His response was that if I did sleep over we were going to SLEEP and nothing else. Ok, fine by me. So I got my clothes that I had brought with me for work the next day out of my car (I brought them just in case...), and we went to bed. We stayed up talking for a while, and then eventually we fell asleep. And, true to his word, all we did was sleep, and nothing else. I woke up early for school, and he slept in. I didn't want to wake him, so I slipped out without saying goodbye. I didn't like leaving that way, but he was sleeping and it would have been selfish of me to wake him.

The whole night felt very platonic with the exception of a few kisses, here and there. I feel like he may be pushing this further into this direction because of the whole 4 month thing. But I don't want platonic for 4 months, but I don't want to have this discussion yet either. I have no idea when I am going to see him next.

The acupuncturist called me on Sunday night, and caught me a little off guard when he asked me to go to dinner with him on Valentine's Day. I shouldn't be surprised, this coming from the guy who brought a dozen roses to our first date. I said yes, even though I knew I shouldn't. I am going to go, even though I shouldn't. But, I have no idea where the Israeli is at right now with his intentions and his feelings, so maybe I should move all those eggs I just put in one basket and re-distribute them amongst the willing participants again.

If You Had Only 4 Months...

What is the biggest deciding factor if a relationship is "worth it" or not? Is it the amount of time you have with the person. If you have an undetermined amount of time, that time could be 4 dates, 4 months, 4 years... You just don't know. But if you knew, and you knew for sure that it was only going to be 4 months, is it worth it?

The Israeli found out on Thursday that he is not being kept on at his job another year as he expected. So instead of having 1 year and 4 months to see where things go, we will only have 4 months. I went over to his apartment late last night after I got back from seeing my best friend's piano concert in West Chester. I knew the Israeli would be at his friend's party, and he had originally told me that I could come right to his apartment and he'd give me the combination and show me where the extra key was so I could get inside. I decided it would be best for me to go home to my apartment first, so I could unload my car and such, and then I'd just drive over when he was on his way home from the party. I ended up getting to Brooklyn around 12:30, and he was still at the party, so I took a short nap on the couch until I heard from him. I finally heard from him that he was on his way home around 2:30, and I got to his apartment around 3ish. We talked for a bit, and everything seemed to be ok. He seemed really glad to see me after only a few days.

Since it was already so late, we went to bed fairly early. We made out as usual and he fell asleep almost immediately - which is rare for him. I, however, was wide awake from the nap I had taken, and could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned for a while, and maybe finally drifted off to sleep around 5:30. I had noticed that the Israeli was not being as intimate while we were sleeping. He was definitely sleeping on the other side of the bed, with his back towards me, and did not try to cuddle or anything. At night, I chalked this up to the fact that he had been drinking; and although he was not drunk, he was not sober either. I know after I've been drinking, I don't like lying with someone else. After only a few hours of sleep, I woke up again, and the Israeli was still sleeping, still far away from me. I was contemplating whether or not I should just go home, and let him sleep off whatever it was that was bothering him. Whether it was something physically wrong, or something was on his mind, I could tell he was acting different. It's strange that even after spending only one week with someone, you become so attuned to their mannerisms that when something is off, it's apparent. He woke up around 9:30ish and we fooled around for a bit, and it seemed like all had been forgotten. Maybe he had just drank too much the night before. He went back to sleep, and since I was now wide awake, I got out a book that I had to read for class. I read for a while, and he went back to his strange sleeping positing. Further away than before. I let him be for a while, and then after about an hour, I could tell he was stirring, so I cuddled up to him. He turned to me, and said, "I just had the worst dream." I asked him what it was, and he told me that it was 4 months from now, and he was leaving to go back to Israel and everyone was so sad. I replied with a sympathetic, "hmmm..." and rubbed his back. But as I thought about it, I said to him, "But that's silly, you're not leaving in 4 months." He hesitated, and then proceeded to tell me how he found out on Thursday that he was not asked to come back for another year next year and he will be going home to Israel in May. My heart sank. Of course, the first time I feel like I have everything that I want... there has to be a condition. It can never be easy. We talked about for a long time after that, whether it makes sense to stay together for 4 months, but neither of us want to end things now. I don't know what is going to happen, I told him I want to take it day by day. He said that he doesn't want me to miss out on meeting someone better in the next 4 months, and I told him that I wasn't going to be looking anyway... So, we didn't come to any agreement. A lot can happen in 4 months, and a lot can change. I'm hoping for something to make this situation easier... maybe he can find a job here or something, wishful thinking on my part. But I'm not going to give up something just because it may end in 4 months.

Ma Nishma

Ma nishma is Hebrew for what's up? It's just the beginning of my newest endeavor of trying to improve my Hebrew. The Israeli likes to speak to me sometimes in Hebrew, and I'd like to have a clue as to what he's saying...

Last night was date number 3 with the Israeli, but to be honest it could have been date number 20 for how comfortable we are around each other. We met up at Union Hall in Park Slope around 8:30, but it was ridiculously packed. We decided we'd be better off at the tea lounge where we could actually sit and talk. We walked over to the Tea Lounge and found a large comfy couch to share, just the two of us. I went to get us some hot beverages, and while I was gone, he was composing some sort of logic riddles for me to solve. It's fun, and it's definitely something different. I worked out both of the problems with a little help from him, but I managed to do both, which is better than last time. Then he asked me what I wanted to do about us? I wasn't sure what he was talking about, but then I realized that he was having the DTR... So, he said he wasn't interested in dating anyone else, and I'm ready at this point to agree. So, we're not dating anyone else, but I'm not comfortable just yet calling him my boyfriend. The plan at the tea lounge was to read more of Oracle Night but neither of us were in the mood, so we read The New Yorker instead, not out loud, but together. However, he was confused by one of the articles, and I wasn't articulate enough to explain it correctly. He was a little put off by The New Yorker, so I continued to read while he worked on his laptop. We were very at ease just being together, each doing our own thing, like this was something we did all the time, not like a 3rd date at all.

At around 10:30 we decided it was probably getting late, and since I had to work today, we should get going. Since both dates prior had been sleepover dates, I had already figured what trains I'd need to take to get to work, wore something appropriate that if I had to wear it to school no one would notice, and brought a toothbrush. He offered to come back to my place with me and stay over here, but since I had already done all the logistical work and he doesn't have a roommate, it works out better to go there. I knew that we could pick up the Q on 7th Ave, but I wasn't sure where the stop was... so we walked up to Flatbush (which apparently is where the stop is, somehow we missed it!) and ended up walking all the way to the Atlantic Terminal! Which now that I know how close we were, we could have saved a lot of travel time! Regardless, about an hour later we finally got back to his apartment. Actually, it was more like an hour and a half, as it was around midnight I remember checking when we got into his apartment. We warmed up with some tea, and the Israeli fixed the beds in the bedroom so that they weren't like 2 twin beds pushed together. The last time, there were these huge gaps between the mattresses and one of us inevitably ended up falling in it. So, he fixed the bed, we warmed up, and went to bed.

It was probably around 1:30 by the time we went to sleep, which is really late for a school night for me. The alarms were set for around 6:15, so I could get to school without being late. I had no idea how long the train would take in the morning, so I figured I'd have to leave no later than 7:10 to get there by 8:15. The alarms went off, and we snoozed until almost 7 am, I rushed to get dressed and brush my teeth, and not look like I literally just rolled out of bed. While I did that, the Israeli cut me some fruit to take with me for breakfast. It was really sweet. I managed to get to school earlier today than I usually do, as the train ride was quite easy. One of my co-workers was in the subway car when I got on, and was confused as to why I was getting on at a much later stop than I usually did. I didn't have to say anything, I'm sure my smile gave it away. Her first question to me was, Was that what you wore last night? Damn. Cover blown. But it was WELL worth it.

The Israeli was a little sad that I was going home this weekend. His birthday is on Monday, and his friends are having a party, and he wanted me to come with. I'm coming back late Saturday night, and am intending to spend all day Sunday with him. I got a text message this afternoon from the acupuncturist. He's been kind of spotty with keeping in touch, and with the cancelled date this past weekend, I'm wondering if I don't return his text message if I can just slip out of this one easily. I have a feeling it's not going to be so simple.

One for the books.

Finally, a real date with every expectation met, not a single second thought, simple, easy, conversation, a real connection. Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself. I had an A-MAZING date Friday night... which trickled into a wonderful weekend. I'll start with that, we'll see where this goes. I was really freaked out by the whole Israeli thing. I even stalked a co-worker down in her classroom to ask her, "what do Israelis like? What should I do on the date?" She has spent time in Israel, and has dated a few Israelis, so I felt she was the best expert on this one. Like they are a different species or something... I totally had myself way too worked up over this one.

We met up at the Museum of Natural History, it was raining and we were supposed to meet by the entrance but I didn't know if he would be inside or out. I waited outside for a few minutes, and then went inside. I saw him, or someone who I thought was him, but he was talking to a guy. They looked like they were friends, so I couldn't imagine that was him. But it looked just like him... and I checked my phone, and there were 2 text messages from him, saying that he was inside waiting. So... I texted him back, to see if that was him, and sure enough, it was. So I walked over to him and his friend, who were speaking in Hebrew. Great, another experience like the one in Peru where I felt like a third wheel and that everyone was talking about me in Hebrew. But the Israeli explained to me (later), that he had just met this guy, and he had just come up to him and asked him if he was Israeli. Weird. Anyway, so the Israeli and I go to get our tickets to the museum. We were there to see a jazz show that the museum does on the first friday of the month, but we had about an hour before it started so we decided to walk around the museum for a little bit. We talked, and at first I had a hard time understanding him, and felt like I was limiting my own vocabulary and how I was speaking because I thought he wouldn't understand. I quickly changed that when I felt like I was talking to a 2 year old - and I didn't want him to feel that way. The museum was a great ice breaker, I had never been before and neither had he, so we were both a little amused and interested at the same time. Talking about the exhibits, I learned some interesting things about him right off the bat. First of all, he's well educated, with degrees in psychology, sociology, and teaching - and he also mentioned something about anthropology. He lived in South Africa for 2 years when he was growing up, he speaks 6 languages - Hebrew, English, and Russian - all fluently. Spanish, French, and Italian he can get by in pretty well. I was impressed. The museum closed about half an hour after we got inside, and the security guards had to practically force us out. It was nice looking at the exhibits, even though we barely got to see anything really. We went down to the planetarium area where the jazz show was taking place. We walked around for a little bit, and decided to go see the show that was playing in the planetarium, about cosmic collisions. The show was quite good, and I had been wanted to see a show in the planetarium for some time now. We walked around afterwards, and looked at the relative size of elements of the universe compared to the Hayden sphere. (It took us both a while to realize that the Hayden sphere was the large sphere in which the planetarium was housed, and was right in front of us. We both felt pretty silly when we figured it out.) We got some tapas and settled down at the base of the planetarium to catch the 7:30 jazz show. It was good, and we chatted the whole time. Before I knew it, the show was over, and once again, a security guard was forcing us to leave. We decided to walk down Columbus in the rain, where I proceeded to get my feet soaking wet due to poor footwear choices, looking for a place to grab a bite to eat. We ended up walking to Columbus Circle, and going into the big mall there (aka Time Warner Center). We walked around a bit where the Israeli started posing logic riddles, I got the first one off the bat, but faltered on the second. Disappointing. We decided instead of spending an arm and a leg at a mediocre sandwich shop, we'd go to Whole Foods and gather some prepared food and have a mini-picnic at Whole Foods. We had a great time just shopping for the food, finding we like so many of the same things, it's so nice. I feel like we're so compatible. We ate, and talked about serious things - like past relationships, etc. - and joked about not so serious things. And before we knew it, we were getting kicked out of Whole Foods as well, because they were closing. So we closed down 3 separate places over the course of the evening, but still it was only 10:30. We'd been on the date for 5 hours at this point, so it would have been feasible to call it a night and go our own ways back into Brooklyn.

He suggested that we take the train together, even though it would have been easier for me to take the A/C home, and him to take the Q home. We decided to take the 1 to the Q, and I could get off at the Atlantic Terminal, which is a little longer of walk for me than the A/C or F/G would have been, but probably about the same distance as his apartment is from the Q. I sometimes forget how lucky I am to have so many trains within a 15 minute or less walk from my apartment. The 1 train however was PACKED, like rush hour, can't move an inch packed. We smushed in, and stood uncomfortably close to each other and about a million other people on the train. We transferred at Times Square to the Q, and I made a comment that I thought the Q was going to be as crowded as the 1. The Israeli disagreed, and we put a wager on the table. If I won, there would be no consequence for the sole reason that I could not think of a single thing to wage... and if he won, I would have to read aloud to him from the book he was reading on the train. He won, and the train was practically empty. So I read to him from Oracle Night by Auster, which I hadn't read before, and he was fairly close to the beginning so I was able to pick up on the story very easily. I really love reading aloud, and probably would have done so even if he hadn't won the bet. To any onlookers, we were a couple, or very close friends, who know each other well enough to be so intimate. That train ride we shared, it was something so simple - but as I see it unfolding - will define whatever future this relationship holds.

As we approached Atlantic Ave, he asked me if I wanted to come back to his apartment. I was hesitant because it was getting late, and I knew from his apartment in Midwood, I'd have a long train ride plus a decent walk much later at night. But I went anyway. His apartment was nice, in a very residential Jewish neighborhood. He played me some Israeli songs, and we talked about music and more. After about 2 hours of just hanging out on his couch, he finally kissed me. What seemed like seconds later (but really was hours), it was after 4 in the morning, and there was the undetermined matter of how I was getting home. I first figured I would take the train to Atlantic Ave, and just walk to my street from there. But by the time the train came and I got to Atlantic, I would have gotten home until close to 5:30 or 6 in the morning. The Israeli insisted that he was going to walk me to the train, and asked me if I wanted him to ride back with me and walk me home. I assured him that was unnecessary, and then considered taking a car service home. He said he would split the cost of me if I did, which he explained that I shouldn't have to pay for staying late at his place. When we figured that a car service would be 30+ dollars, I decided against it. And I told him I'd be fine walking to the train. He asked me if I wanted to stay over, to which I said I didn't think was a good idea on a first date. He rents his apartment from an orthodox family, and the bedroom set-up is with 2 twin beds, so he assured me that it would be fine, we'd each have our own bed after all. I decided to compromise, since he wasn't going to let me walk to the subway on my own that late (early?). I told him I would sleep over for a couple of hours, and then once it was light out, in the morning, I would walk myself to the train. He insisted that I wouldn't get up before noon without an alarm, but I know myself. Sleeping in a strangle place, fully dressed, with someone I hardly know, I wasn't going to sleep very well at all. He bet me (we seem to like to bet?) that I wouldn't be able to get up early without an alarm, I insisted that I would. He didn't want me to leave early, which is sweet, but I had so much to do on Saturday, I just couldn't spend all day in bed. So he bargained, I could leave if I got up on my own, without my cell phone or anything, but if I woke up because of my phone, I had to go back to bed, and try to fall back asleep. I knew I'd be up early enough and I didn't count on anyone calling me before then and my phone was in coat pocket, not even in the bedroom. Even if someone did call me, I wouldn't be able to hear it.

I slept for about 2 and a half hours, not very well either. I woke up around 7:30, and contemplated whether or not I should wake the Israeli or if I should just leave without saying goodbye. As I laid in bed, around 7:45, I heard my phone ring. The closet where my coat was must have backed right up to the wall where the beds were, and the walls were thin. I looked over at the Israeli, he was still asleep. I listened to hear if the caller left a message, because that would have woken him up. About 15 minutes later the phone rang again. I knew it was my roommate and she was concerned because I had been out on a first date with a complete stranger and hadn't made it home the night. She wanted to know I was alive, rightfully so. I felt bad, so I got up as quietly as possibly and didn't seem to wake the Israeli in the process. I talked to my roommate as quietly as possibly, and as I was getting off the phone with her, I heard some stirring coming from the bedroom. As I walked into the room, the Israeli had his hand over my glasses which were on the night table next to his bed. He told me I cheated, and had to go back to bed. I laughed, insisted that I had been up anyway, but fair is fair, and I agreed to go back to bed for an hour. He couldn't fall back asleep, and neither could I, so we talked for a while, and made out a bit, and eventually I got up and went home.

I hung out with a good friend on Saturday, we went to dinner and a movie, and we got back to my apartment around 9:30. As soon as I got home I noticed I had a text message and a missed call from the Israeli. I texted him back after my friend left, and he invited me over to read more of the book with him. I thought that was such a cute invitation, and I knew that my going over there after 10 at night would result in my staying over. I decided to go, and drove over to his apartment (which saved me the hassle of train travel). I read aloud for a little while from Oracle and then we tried to watch Y Tu Mama Tambien, but after only 2.5 hours of sleep the night before, a french movie (on edit: my sister was kind enough to point out that this is a Spanish movie, not French. I was half asleep, it's all greek to me!) with subtitles wasn't going to be easy to manage. Instead we made out for a while, and went to bed relatively early (relative to the night before, probably around 2:30). We woke up around 9:30 and spent the morning in bed. It was so nice, and very comfortable very fast. I read more of the book aloud, we cuddled, and kissed and as we were lying together, it dawned on me that I had found someone who complements me so well. In many many ways.

I had been so worried about the fact that he was Israeli, I was almost ready and willing to write him off without getting to know him. Instead, I got to meet a sweet, caring, funny, amazing guy... who for some reason, wants to continue seeing me as well. We have plans for Wednesday night later this week.

I was supposed to have a date with the acupuncturist tonight, but he cancelled because he had a lot of work to do. I wasn't too upset about that, all things considered, and it doesn't look like we'll have the time to reschedule again until the week after this one coming up. If things continue with the Israeli, I will have to end things with the acupuncturist. But I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket, yet.

Sub-Zero

There is a lot I should be doing rather than writing this... reading, writing, sleeping.

I've taken to going out during the week and it's cutting into my work schedule tremendously. I leave school early and nothing gets done in my classroom. I am out late, so nothing gets done for grad school. It's hectic trying to balance a full time job, grad school, and dating. The problem I have right now is that there are multiple guys that want to see me, and I am interested in seeing most of them (doesn't sound like much of a problem, I know), so I don't want to not schedule dates, but where are my priorities.

Tonight I met up with the college kid, who we can call mini-D from now on - because he really is. This was technically our second date, but I'm not thinking of him as a potential datee anymore, and more of a friend. So we had plans to see a movie tonight, and I really didn't want him to pay for me. It made me uncomfortable and makes me think that maybe he's going to expect something that he's not getting. So he takes out his credit card to pay for the tickets, and I practically throw my money at him, forcing him to take my $8. I want the expectations to be clear from the start. At one point during the movie, he did make a move to put his hand on my shoulder but I was displaying very closed body language, and he backed off pretty quick. The movie was great though, a definite upside to my week.

After the movie he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner at an Italian restaurant right by the Brooklyn Bridge. I agreed, but it was FREEZING out and was very cold, and slightly regretful for having agreed to it in the first place. The temperature was definitely sub-zero, and that matched pretty well how I was feeling towards mini-D and his awkwardness. But the dinner was nice, and I spent the a good chunk of dinner talking about how much work I had to do for grad school this week, and how I was so far behind. I tried talking library school with him, but he was the type of person who compares too much. Now Pratt's program and Rutgers program are completely different, and I really hate people who try to "one up" everything you say. He kept trying to compare our programs even though they are vastly different, and it irked me. He did ask me if I wanted to continue "seeing" him. I told him that I thought it would be best to be friends, since we're at very different places in life. He seemed ok with this answer, but I get the feeling he may persist in trying to romance me. He did insist on paying for dinner, and told me the chivalry wasn't dead. I tried to pay, in fact I almost threw a 20 at him, but he insisted.

He also insisted in walking me all the way back to Bergen St, we were down by the Brooklyn Bridge so it was a good 25 minute walk back to my place. I was going to walk it, because I saw no point in wasting time waiting for the train. It was really cold though, and I almost thought about taking a cab (since I didn't have to pay for dinner after all!), but when I told him I was going to walk, he also insisted on walking me home.

Overall, it was nice, and I can see myself being friends with him. A few things though that sent up some MAJOR red flags during dinner that mini-D felt the need to express to me made me uncomfortable. First, he wanted to tell me that he has a mild form of autism. Asperger's Syndrome is something I am well aware of, and secretly like to diagnose old bosses and exes with it. I studied autism in grad school for my educational degree and in undergrad for psych, so while I'm no where near an expert, I can talk a blue streak about it. I engaged him in a conversation about it for a while, and now I can see where D was coming from when he was trying to convince me in B&N on our last date that he definitely has Asperger's. I was hesitant to believe that, and D is a lot less socially awkward than mini-D is, but I think that's in combination with another thing mini-D revealed to me over dinner. He has Tourettes Syndrome as well. And while he assures me it is well medicated and under control (I may have noticed a few nervous tics, but there was no outbursts of any sort), it does make me a little uncomfortable. So that compounded with the autism, makes him a socially awkward guy. He warmed up to me a lot during dinner, and it was less weird. But there was a strange hug at the end of the date, where I felt like he might have liked to try and kiss me. The good thing about dating someone who is socially awkward is that you can predict most of their moves, and counter them before they even take place. Hopefully he doesn't plan a sneak attack.

There are 3 more guys in the works, I have a date with an Israeli (I know.. I know.. I usually avoid the Israelis...) on Friday, and a third date with the acupuncturist on Sunday... and two guys that are early in the planning stages. One is a musician from Queens, and the other is guy who has a Wii (now that I'm hooked on it - it's a selling factor!) ... and I'm just overwhelmed.

Child's Play

Last night I met up for coffee with the college kid. Now... I must preface that he is in graduate school, and to be a librarian nonetheless, so I was really hoping that the age difference wouldn't be a big deal.

We met up at the Clinton-Washington subway stop off the G at 5 last night. The G train, being what it is, left me at the subway stop waiting... and I was about 10 minutes late. He was waiting inside the subway station, right past the turnstile. We walked to the Pratt campus and to the small cafe where he bought me a chai latte with his meal plan. He was pretty much exactly what I expected him to be like personality/lookswise, and to be fair, of the 3 guys that I went out with this past week - I found him to be the most physically attractive. He does remind me a good deal of D. Looks and personality-wise, although he is slightly more awkward in conversation than D. He plays a lot of video games, reads a lot of fantasy books, even kind of looks like D. I wonder if this is what D would have been like 3 years ago? Interesting thought. Anyway, we talked for a while, and during the conversations, it became apparent, that nice as he is, he's just too young for anything more than a friendship. He is still financially dependant on his parents, which I guess is fine when you're 23, but he doesn't work and is pretty much still living the life of an undergrad. I found that very hard to relate to. He's taking 3 classes this semester, all of which meet once a week, at night, and is not working or doing anything during his days. Coming from someone who is taking 2 classes and working full time, it's hard for me to even wrap my head around that kind of lifestyle. He also does not seem to have a lot of friends that he does things with, and I wouldn't want to become the only person that he saw socially outside of school. Yuck. That's a lot of pressure, and he has a ton of free time. I feel like he could get pretty clingy, pretty fast. He was nice though, and we were able to talk a lot about what we had in common, which was good. I wouldn't mind being friends with him, but I think I'll have to let him know that - much sooner rather than later. After 3 hours, I needed to get back home to do some homework/school work. He walked me not only to the subway, but inside the subway, and offered to swipe me in the turnstile if I didn't have an unlimited metro card. (I do - so it was unnecessary.) After an awkward hug goodbye, we parted ways, and I went to go wait for the G. The best part of the trip home (which made the G a little bit bearable) was when a Mormon missionary tried to convince me to go to church with him this morning.

I heard from the kid not long after I got home, and he asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with him later in the week (it was a movie we had talked about over coffee, and I had mentioned that I wanted to see it.) Although I know better, I said yes. Since I don't think they will accept his meal plan or his metro card at the movies, I will probably offer to pay. Then I will have to proceed to tell him that we're at much different places in our lives, and I think he's too young for me to date him, but we can be friends. Hopefully he will understand.

Next.

Last night I had a second date with the chivalrous acupuncturist. I wasn't expecting it to be so soon after the first, but he called me on Thursday night. He told me he was going to be visiting a friend in Park Slope on Friday afternoon and asked would I want to see him later around 8ish. He also felt the need to mention that he was anxious to see me again - like I couldn't already tell that? I had to be at a school function until 8 or so Friday night, so we agreed to meet up at my apartment around 8:30.

We met up in the blistery coldness that was last night and walked to a small middle eastern restaurant near my apartment. There were no flowers, no acts of chivalry, and it was all very nice and "normal" as far as dates go.

After dinner, we walked back over to my apartment and I invited him up. He got the grand tour of the living room/kitchen (not allowed back to the bedroom yet!) and we ended up making out on the couch for a while. At some point I started complaining that my fingers were throbbing. I have pre-mature arthritis in my fingers and hands that comes out especially when it's really cold (like it was last night) or when it's raining. He motioned for me to turn around so that my back was facing him, and he then proceeded to give me the best massage down my entire upper right side, ending in a very nice finger/hand massage which helped my fingers feel better, then the left side, and finally he had me lay down on the floor and he gave me an full back massage. It was phenomenal. I've never had a professional massage, and I'm not assuming that this is what they are like, but it's a lot closer than anything I've ever had before. I guess that's a perk to dating a guy who does things like this for a living.

He stayed pretty late, and I was tempted to ask him to stay over. But I refrained. I have not had a guy spend the night at my apartment since last year when I was with my ex - and it would be opportune since my roommate is out of town for the weekend... but I'm not in any hurry to get in over my head with this one. I still wonder about the connection we have. We have a good time together, but there is a definite noticeable lack of things to say. There are lulls that feel awkward to me, and maybe that's ok since it's only the second date.

I have a date with the library school kid tonight. We're going to eat at the dining hall (actually I don't know if this is true or not, but I kind of hope so!) Ooooh, exciting.

Chivalry

Chivalry, in fact, is not dead. However, I do not know if I am the prime candidate to receive chivalrous actions.

My date with the Chinese medicine practitioner (who is not Chinese, that is the first question everyone asks me - he's Jewish!) was last night. We were meeting at the Bergen St. subway stop around 7:30 and then we were going to go for some Thai food and then maybe go to a local bar to shoot some pool. A nice, casual first date (note the word casual). So, I went down the subway at the designated time, and as I'm walking towards the subway stop, I can see off in the distance, a man waiting at the subway stop with what appears to be a large bouquet in his hands. My first thought was, oh that's sweet, some guy is bringing his girlfriend flowers... until it dawned on me, that no, some guy is not bringing his girlfriend flowers... That MUST be my date waiting there. My only thought is please, don't let that be him! Oh dear... it was. And my date had brought me not just a bouquet of flowers, he bought me a dozen roses. Oh no. He hands them to me and I say, Thanks, wow, this is a first. To which he replies, no one has ever bought you flowers before? And my reply is, no, I've gotten flowers before, just never... and then I trailed off, and decided to say, but they are lovely and so beautiful, thank you, that was really sweet. (all the while I'm thinking, I have to carry these around with me ALL night? I don't even have a vase at home!) So we go to the neighborhood Thai restaurant, where they know me, and I do bring a different boy there at least once a month. And I have never brought the same guy twice. The woman who works there, came over to seat us, and kind of laughed when she saw my flowers. I wonder what they think of me there, honestly. At least while we were seated I could put the flowers on the bench next to me (the whole packaging/arrangement of it - they were enormous).
So about the guy, he was really nice and pleasant to talk to. He is kind of has a new-age look about him, which is the best description I can think of. I guess since he practices alternative medicine, he must have some sort of new-age-iness about him. But anyway, dinner was nice, as thai food always is. We split two entrees (and like I've said before, good sharers always earn points in my book.) and stayed talking long after we finished eating. This is why I love this restaurant, they don't pressure you to leave or order anything else, they are content to let you sit and talk, with nothing in front of you, for as long as you want. They also probably figure that I'll be back probably sooner rather than later with yet another guy.

We did eventually decide to leave, to go to the bar on the corner of my block to shoot some pool. As we were getting up, he offered to hold my jacket as I got the rest of my stuff together. I have a lot of winter gear as it is, not to mention an entire rose garden wrapped in paper. I was going to just take my jacket back once I was gathered and standing, but he held it out, as if to put it on for me.... So I let him help me into my coat. I don't think a guy has ever in my life done this for me. It was very chivalrous, but I felt very strange about it at the time too.

At the bar (where I brought my large bouquet with of course - I thought about asking if we could stop by my apartment to drop them off, but I didn't want to invite him up to my apartment so soon), we played two awful games of pool. To be fair, I played awfully, he played better than I did, but it wasn't anything to brag about. We had some wine, and then sat in the corner of the pool room for a while on bar stools talking. We had the whole backroom to ourselves for most of the evening, which was really nice. It was private and provided a nice environment to get to know him better without the usual bar atmosphere. At one point, I was mid-conversation, probably talking about my students, and I must have been turned away from him for some reason. When I turned back, there he was, all leaned in for the kill, it surprised me completely, but I went with flow, and we kissed in the back room of the bar where I've now kissed many boys (if 3 is many - 4 if you count kissing against the wall outside the bar). We stayed for a while, intermittently talking and kissing. I don't know if I feel as strongly for him as he seems to be projecting he feels for me. He was talking a lot about when I meet his friends, and in terms of future events. Again, I know from past experiences, this doesn't mean a damn thing. But it's was a bit overwhelming. I think if I were to date him further, I'd tell him he needs to take it down a few notches. He walked me to my door, which is a whole 4 doors down, kissed me goodbye, and said he'd talk to me soon.

I was talking to a friend about the whole chivalry thing, and she made a good point. She said that we're so bitter and scarred from these dating experiences, that we don't even recognize nice gestures as just that, trying to be nice. I don't think this guy was trying to profess his undying love for someone he just met, but maybe he is just a genuinely nice guy trying to make a kind gesture and I reacted poorly to it because I'm jaded.

Tiny Texan

Tonight I had a date with the Texan. We decided we were going to meet up at the Tea Lounge at 6. I arrived early (for once!) and got some tea, settled in reading my book. He showed up about 15 minutes late, but it was fine. I didn't really notice the time, I was so confused at how small he was. For some reason, in my mind I had thought he was 6'1". I could have SWORN that's how tall he was... but apparently, I got him confused with one of my other dates later in the week. So.. he was not only short (maybe 5'6") but he was what I would call petite. Short and skinny, and I'm not a short or skinny or petite person by any stretch of the imagination... When we sat next to each other on the couch at the tea lounge, I felt a bit ginormous.

He was really nice though, and smart. We had tea and talked for a while. I had been concerned about differences being a bit of an issue. He's a vegan. We talked a bit about that. We talked about school, and libraries (he's a librarian - and has taught before too - a teacher and librarian, we do at least have things in common). But I don't know how well we connected. I couldn't tell if he was just shy, or not interested. I enjoyed the evening though. The date lasted about 2 hours, which was long enough. He walked me up to my street, and we parted at the subway stop a block away.

It was a good way to start off the week of dates.

Offended.

Apparently people are offended by what I write. If you know me in person, you know that I'm not an offensive person intentionally, but I do not hold back. I'm sure I could be nicer, but why? I don't think I've written anything that was ever intentionally mean, and if you don't like what I write, then don't read it.

Ahem. Ok. That was my little rant on that. In other news... upcoming dates this week!
3 of them! There's the Kid (a library student who's almost 3 years younger than I... and I thought a few months was bad), the Texan (lives in the city, obviously... but is from texas originally - and is also a librarian. He has a great texan accent!), and the Dr. (who's not really a doctor, but a practitioner of Chinese medicine). The kid I think will turn into a friendship, he actually reminds me a lot of D, without the ex-girlfriend (as far as I know. I haven't done as much research, since a whole lot of good it did me last time - lesson learned, finally!). Which means, he would be great.. but he's younger than my little brother. I don't know that I'm ok with that, just yet. Case in point, a conversation we had today planning our upcoming date went something like this...
The Kid: Do you like smoothies?
E: I do... but it's a little cold for smoothies.
The Kid: My school has a little cafe next to the regular cafeteria that serves coffee, smoothies, pizza, ice cream, milkshakes, etc and I can pay with my meal plan.
E: ...

Yeah, he said pay with his meal plan. I know he's in grad school, and not working. I understand that money is tight. And I'm the LEAST concerned with who pays for what on a date, but paying with a meal plan?? Yikes. I feel like I'm going back to my undergrad days having pledges swipe me into the dining hall... As I typed that, it dawned on me that with this one, that could be a future date. Well, maybe the smoothies are really good. No judgements just skeptical.

The other two I'm fighting everything in me to keep my expectations low. After 2 very hopeful and then disappointing experiences, I'm worried I'm a little bit scarred by recent months. The Texan is up first on Tuesday night, and the Dr. is Wednesday. Both have really interesting qualities that are equally as enticing... I don't want to say too much, it never works out in the end anyway! (Boo pessimism, that's not my style - but I refuse to get my hopes up.)

There are two other potentials that are barely out of the starting gate... but it should keep things interesting for a while.

Square One

Last night was my last date with D. I have to say that it was really hard for me to end this one, because I really did have such a good time with him. It's so rare that you can find someone that you can have such easy, comfortable times with in such a short period of time. But his relationship with his ex was too much for me to handle, and I didn't think it was fair, especially if we were "exclusive" that he should have been seeing so much of his ex, and so little of me.

Over the weekend, D returned from Switzerland, and I honestly expected to see him, or at least talk to him when he got home. We talked a briefly over IM a few times, but he made absolutely no attempt to see if I was around at all over the weekend. So I made other plans. When I finally talked to him on the phone on Sunday morning (he got back on Friday, mind you), he asked me if I was around on Monday. I told him I wasn't sure what time I was going to be back from NJ (I was going down Sunday night to hang out with the girls - and lord knows what kind of nights those turn out to be!). I told him I'd call if I was around. Monday I figured I'd be back in the city around 2 or 3, and I could meet up with him for dinner. I texted him at noon asking him if he was around, and he said when I told him that I wasn't sure when I was going to be back, he made other plans. I wouldn't have minded so much, except I KNEW that his plans were with his ex. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe he just doesn't make plans with anyone other than her... but I was right.

Tuesday night (last night), we had made plans to meet up at Bryant Park around 6. I was thinking we could just do coffee, we could talk about this situation, and then I'd be on my way home. But he wanted to go to dinner, back down in Union Square (why he asked me to meet him in Bryant Park, I can't figure out. I came in from Brooklyn up to Bryant Park, to have to go back down to Union Square. Nonsense.) So we went to Republic, which was great, but the setting didn't really allow for private conversations of such matters I wished to have. So, I mulled over all the points I had wanted to make, made idle conversation, listened a lot to the two gay men sitting at our table talk about their own love problems. After dinner, I wanted to make a quick trip to Barnes and Noble to see if they had the book I needed for my graduate school course in stock. They did not, and the quick trip turned into hours of browsing books. I will never complain about time spent in a bookstore, ever, but I wanted to have the conversation. The more date time we spent together, the more I was convincing myself that we didn't need to have the conversation and maybe the whole ex thing didn't bother me all THAT much. I enjoy spending time with D, so the more time we spent together, the less I wanted to tell him that I didn't want to spend anymore time with him...

We finally ended up at Starbucks, where I worked up the nerve to bring up the conversation. It went something like this (obviously not verbatim, but the general gist):
E: I have something I need to talk to you about...
D: ...
E: um. ok. or not. Ok. I'm not going to say it.
D: ...
E: No. I have to. This is something that's been bothering me, I need to say it.
D: ... *goes to get milk for his coffee*
E: First, I want to preface that this has nothing to do with the time I spend with you, because i really enjoy it. It's more the time I spend not with you... Ok, so I've been uncomfortable about the whole ex girlfriend thing. I feel like you're still dating her. Even if you're not physically intimate with her, that doesn't mean you're not in a relationship.
D: That's not something I plan to change. ever.
E: I don't expect you to not be friends with her, but considering you just broke up not 4 months ago, and she is clearly not over you...
D: ...
E: And, I also feel like you keep me a secret. Not just from her, but from all your friends.
D: Yes. That's just how I am. and all of my friends are friends with *her* so you have to be kept a secret from all of them too.
E: So, I'm like your dirty little secret. There's a reason I don't date married men.
D: Well, it's not something I see myself changing in the immediate future.
E: Ok... Do you think that's something that any girl is going to be ok with?
D: I don't know. Maybe. But I'm not going to do anything to intentionally hurt her.
E: I'm not expecting you to change anything, and I honestly didn't go into this conversation thinking that you would, I just don't think it's very fair to me. I don't like being treated like I'm someone's mistress.
D: Is this something that you can't get past?
E: If you had asked me this weekend, I would have said definitely not. I was really upset this weekend -
D: I could tell you were upset on Sunday when we talked.
(E thinking: if he knew I was upset... why didn't he ask me about it?)
D: you know, if there was something you wanted to talk to me about, you should have called.
E: I DID.
D: When?
E: Well, I first tried calling you on Saturday night, but your phone was off. So then I called you Sunday morning.
D: Oh. Right.
E: Anyway, after spending time with you, I want to say that I can handle this. That I don't care about the ex, that it's no big deal. I have a really good time when we're out.
D: Me too. But I don't think that you are really ok with it.
E: I'm not. Not even a little bit.... So, I guess that's it then. Huh?
D: Better that we can be so honest about it.
E: Of course, that's what I really like about you, we have open honest conversations. It just sucks that it has to end.
D: Yeah.

So, we talked in circles some more. We decided we were not going to try to be friends, even though we did have a good time together. I was concerned that the physical attraction would still be too prevalent for us to really have a true friendship.

We walked to the trains, I was taking the 6 downtown, and he was taking the 4/5 uptown. My train was there when we got there, so there was no time for a long drawn out goodbye. We said goodbye, and that's it. Back to dating again... uch. Again. That's the second time in 3 months I had settled down to not date anyone else, only for it to end for one reason or another. Disappointing.

All's Fair

I have no news of dates to report. It's been 9 days since my last post, I feel like I'm either losing readership, or just letting the faithful down. D returned from Switzerland yesterday, I have no plans to see him yet. I'm not sure what exactly I'm doing really, everyone keeps asking me how that's going. And I don't really know what to tell them. It's going fine, I guess. I was hoping to gain a little more perspective on what I wanted while he was away, but I didn't. I get the feeling that this isn't going to be a long term thing, but more of a "it's fun while it lasts" type thing. Is that fair, though? Am I even having fun? I'm not sure of the answer to that. When I'm with him yes, definitely having fun. When, I'm not, which is the larger amount of time, I spend more time worrying about it than I'd like. Which is more important? I've long lost the notion that relationships are fair in any sense of the matter, and as far as the old saying goes, All's fair in love and war... mine feel a bit more like war than love, I suppose. It's sad, but true. A whole lot of strategy and planning goes into this, and it never seems quite worth it in the end. I'm taking a break from all the strategizing, planning, and trying to let things just happen as they happen. Only problem? Nothing is happening. As the week progressed between the last time I've seen D, and even the time before that, I've been getting the feeling that he's not all that interested. He could take it or leave it. I've been in that kind of relationship before, and that is not where I'm looking to be again.

Hopefully the end of the weekend will bring something more of note to discuss.

Good Game

D and I met up for dinner last night at Joya. That makes 3 out of 6 dates at Thai restaurants. I think he's avoiding restaurants that would require him to use a fork. Anyway, we met up at Joya, which is a little troublesome for dating because of the noise and how crowded it can get; but he wanted to eat there, so we decided to risk it. It turned out to be a great night to go, it was practically empty, we sat nowhere near the kitchen, so it's much quieter already. Although the bar area can get crowded and loud, last night it didn't. The food was quick and as tasty as it always has been, I was very pleased. We were done with dinner in about an hour though, which made it still relatively early in the evening. We walked up Court St. and stopped outside BookCourt and cover-browsed the books in the window. We got into a good discussion about YA magic fantasy style books, which as a future children's librarian, I have plenty of knowledge. And he thinks we have nothing in common. Pssh.

We went to the bar that is on the corner of my block for a drink, and I introduced him to the world of Maker's and Ginger (a fabulous drink I was introduced to last winter), and I had a glass of red wine, which D was quick to point out that I have only drank wine on all of our dates. Wine is my safe drink, but the only time we had been in bars previously, both were wine bars and I usually order wine with dinner rather than a cocktail, although sometimes a beer. Ok, enough of my drinking history, no? We had drinks, and since it was still early, D came back to my apartment with me. We talked to the roommate for a bit, and she exposed my messy habits, even though my room speaks for itself. I have cleaned it substantially over the past week or so, and for me, it's actually really neat, but um... I think D was kind of surprised that my room had been messier than his in the very recent past, because as it stands right now, he still probably thought it was pretty messy.

So we hung out in my clean/messy bedroom for about 3 hours. (Yes, I'm saying hung out, because this is not THAT kind of blog, and intimate details need not be posted. I'll let all of you use your vivid imaginations.) Around 11 though, he suggested that we play a game of Scrabble. I'm not sure if it's really a good idea to start a game of Scrabble at 11 pm on a work/school night... but I didn't have an hour trip home on the 4/5, he did. And if he was game, so was I! So we played a very competitive (or at least as competitive as I can be - and I'm not all that competitive to begin with - at 11 pm) game. I scored some pretty killer words, starting off with dormant, some triple word scores in there too, a pirate (which he stole with an S), and pasty. Yup, pasty - on a triple word score. Awesome. It was very close in the end but D beat me, 287 to 284. But I'm a gracious loser, and it was a really fun game. The first non-Wii game we've played, so really the first time I've ever posed any sort of real competition. I think I represented fairly well.

He leaves for a business trip for a week on Saturday and I'll be in the Poconos this weekend, so I won't see him before he goes. A whole week without a blog? Maybe I'll find something of note to post about... get myself a new subway stalker, or something.