Square One

Last night was my last date with D. I have to say that it was really hard for me to end this one, because I really did have such a good time with him. It's so rare that you can find someone that you can have such easy, comfortable times with in such a short period of time. But his relationship with his ex was too much for me to handle, and I didn't think it was fair, especially if we were "exclusive" that he should have been seeing so much of his ex, and so little of me.

Over the weekend, D returned from Switzerland, and I honestly expected to see him, or at least talk to him when he got home. We talked a briefly over IM a few times, but he made absolutely no attempt to see if I was around at all over the weekend. So I made other plans. When I finally talked to him on the phone on Sunday morning (he got back on Friday, mind you), he asked me if I was around on Monday. I told him I wasn't sure what time I was going to be back from NJ (I was going down Sunday night to hang out with the girls - and lord knows what kind of nights those turn out to be!). I told him I'd call if I was around. Monday I figured I'd be back in the city around 2 or 3, and I could meet up with him for dinner. I texted him at noon asking him if he was around, and he said when I told him that I wasn't sure when I was going to be back, he made other plans. I wouldn't have minded so much, except I KNEW that his plans were with his ex. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe he just doesn't make plans with anyone other than her... but I was right.

Tuesday night (last night), we had made plans to meet up at Bryant Park around 6. I was thinking we could just do coffee, we could talk about this situation, and then I'd be on my way home. But he wanted to go to dinner, back down in Union Square (why he asked me to meet him in Bryant Park, I can't figure out. I came in from Brooklyn up to Bryant Park, to have to go back down to Union Square. Nonsense.) So we went to Republic, which was great, but the setting didn't really allow for private conversations of such matters I wished to have. So, I mulled over all the points I had wanted to make, made idle conversation, listened a lot to the two gay men sitting at our table talk about their own love problems. After dinner, I wanted to make a quick trip to Barnes and Noble to see if they had the book I needed for my graduate school course in stock. They did not, and the quick trip turned into hours of browsing books. I will never complain about time spent in a bookstore, ever, but I wanted to have the conversation. The more date time we spent together, the more I was convincing myself that we didn't need to have the conversation and maybe the whole ex thing didn't bother me all THAT much. I enjoy spending time with D, so the more time we spent together, the less I wanted to tell him that I didn't want to spend anymore time with him...

We finally ended up at Starbucks, where I worked up the nerve to bring up the conversation. It went something like this (obviously not verbatim, but the general gist):
E: I have something I need to talk to you about...
D: ...
E: um. ok. or not. Ok. I'm not going to say it.
D: ...
E: No. I have to. This is something that's been bothering me, I need to say it.
D: ... *goes to get milk for his coffee*
E: First, I want to preface that this has nothing to do with the time I spend with you, because i really enjoy it. It's more the time I spend not with you... Ok, so I've been uncomfortable about the whole ex girlfriend thing. I feel like you're still dating her. Even if you're not physically intimate with her, that doesn't mean you're not in a relationship.
D: That's not something I plan to change. ever.
E: I don't expect you to not be friends with her, but considering you just broke up not 4 months ago, and she is clearly not over you...
D: ...
E: And, I also feel like you keep me a secret. Not just from her, but from all your friends.
D: Yes. That's just how I am. and all of my friends are friends with *her* so you have to be kept a secret from all of them too.
E: So, I'm like your dirty little secret. There's a reason I don't date married men.
D: Well, it's not something I see myself changing in the immediate future.
E: Ok... Do you think that's something that any girl is going to be ok with?
D: I don't know. Maybe. But I'm not going to do anything to intentionally hurt her.
E: I'm not expecting you to change anything, and I honestly didn't go into this conversation thinking that you would, I just don't think it's very fair to me. I don't like being treated like I'm someone's mistress.
D: Is this something that you can't get past?
E: If you had asked me this weekend, I would have said definitely not. I was really upset this weekend -
D: I could tell you were upset on Sunday when we talked.
(E thinking: if he knew I was upset... why didn't he ask me about it?)
D: you know, if there was something you wanted to talk to me about, you should have called.
E: I DID.
D: When?
E: Well, I first tried calling you on Saturday night, but your phone was off. So then I called you Sunday morning.
D: Oh. Right.
E: Anyway, after spending time with you, I want to say that I can handle this. That I don't care about the ex, that it's no big deal. I have a really good time when we're out.
D: Me too. But I don't think that you are really ok with it.
E: I'm not. Not even a little bit.... So, I guess that's it then. Huh?
D: Better that we can be so honest about it.
E: Of course, that's what I really like about you, we have open honest conversations. It just sucks that it has to end.
D: Yeah.

So, we talked in circles some more. We decided we were not going to try to be friends, even though we did have a good time together. I was concerned that the physical attraction would still be too prevalent for us to really have a true friendship.

We walked to the trains, I was taking the 6 downtown, and he was taking the 4/5 uptown. My train was there when we got there, so there was no time for a long drawn out goodbye. We said goodbye, and that's it. Back to dating again... uch. Again. That's the second time in 3 months I had settled down to not date anyone else, only for it to end for one reason or another. Disappointing.