For me.

If you're only interested in reading this blog for humorous stories of dates I've been on (which is ok!), then you might want to skip today's. I didn't write it for you, I wrote it for me.

Yesterday, I raked leaves for hours. And managed to bag 11 enormous lawn and leaf bags, which made my backyard not look like a jungle. This is all very good (despite not how I wanted to spend my first Sunday off in a month). Yet, I do not have a single tree on my property and it was all I could think about as I worked outside. I'm bagging leaves that don't belong to me, it's not MY fault these leaves are in my yard. However, if I don't bag them and get them out of my yard, no one else will do it. This has nothing to do with dating... except it does. It has to do with me doing things for me, and not because it matters if anyone else cares that I do it or not. At the end of the day, I was glad I raked, and glad my backyard doesn't look like a small overgrown jungle anymore, and glad that Dante can get to all his favorite spots without falling knee deep in leaves. So, all of this is good, but if I hadn't done it, no one would know, nor would anyone care.

Somewhere along the way, I seemed to have gotten lost in my life. I can't place where it started or when it happened, but I can't look back on my life and find something that I did for myself that wasn't based solely on what other people thought or would think about my decision. Or at least what I THOUGHT other people would think. To be honest, I don't think most people care. They want me to be happy, and they care about me, but they don't care about the things I do to actually get there. Somehow all this hit me yesterday while raking leaves that are not mine. As I'm raking, I was thinking about all the things I deal with in my life that are not mine, especially in relationships. Baggage that's not mine. Exes that are not mine. Families that are not mine (and not very nice to me). A lot of others' self-doubt and self-worth concerns that are NOT MINE. I realize this makes me sound very selfish, and I'm not. I enjoy sharing my life with others, and helping people with things that are not mine. My job choices show that, my loyalty to my friends and family show that, my ability to make things work in situations most wouldn't even consider shows that... And if it's equal in a relationship or balanced, that's ok. But in my relationship choices, I haven't had that balance and I'm willing to do more that's not mine because I'm concerned about how it will look if I don't. I've been through this before. I'm the girl who moved myself into my apartment in Brooklyn, up 4 flights of stairs, by myself, because I didn't want to ask anyone to help me. Not because I was proud, but because I didn't think anyone would. I've gotten better in most of my life but not in relationships. I've dated guys who I didn't think were good enough for me. Because it was easier than being rejected by someone who I would want to date for me. I care too much about what it looks like rather than what it is.

If I have to be honest with myself, I have never been in love. Nope. Not once. I'm lucky enough to know what being in love looks like, as I have amazing examples of it in my life. I've loved guys that I've been in relationships with, but I know that I was never in love with any of them, at least nothing that felt certain enough, for long enough. This hit me at some point during the summer, when I went to go see (500) Days of Summer in the theater. At the end, Summer says to Tom that she just woke up and was sure (about the new guy) what she was never sure of with him. That hit home, hard. I've never been sure about anything in my relationships. There was a time with Mr. Perfect that I thought I was, but once I realized it wasn't what I was looking for, I stayed in the relationship long past then. I want to sure, I want to know, and "they" say that you know it when you find it... here's to hoping that I'll know.

I want to date someone who is right FOR ME. And until then, I'm not dealing with any more crap that is not mine to deal with.

Thankful

Normally, I wouldn't be posting about being thankful at the end of a relationship (or whatever it is that I've had over the past month). 3 years ago, I wrote this post about being thankful for what I have, and to try to take life more as it comes, and not be so caught up where I think I should be. Flash forward 3 years, and I'm still in the exact same place. It's amazing, but I could have written that blog last night when I got home from Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's in-laws up in Connecticut. It was a great day, surrounded by a lot of love and laughter. When I'm around my family, I don't feel that urgency to find someone, to be a part of a relationship so quickly again. My family are probably the least judgmental people I know, and have tolerated A LOT of losers that I've brought around. I remember when my sister told me that my dad compared the poker player I dated for a while to a white wall... that's how interesting he was. But to my face, my parents would have never said anything about him. They want me to be happy, and if a white wall was making me happy, well then who are they to tell me otherwise. I know all of this, and yet, I am not willing to bring anyone around to meet them. It's seems as though anytime there is someone I think is worth introducing to them, they always disappoint... latest case in point:

I'm pretty sure things are just about done with the guy who lives with his ex. I don't know if he's reading the blog or not, or he's just stopped being interested; but the past few days, he's dropped off the radar, which is very unusual behavior for him. It's rare that I go a few hours without texting him normally, and the past few days, I've sent him texts, only for no response or very limited response from him. Yesterday, I sent him a text in the morning to wish him a happy Thanksgiving, and did not hear back from him all day. So at night, I sent him another text saying that I hoped he had a good day, and good luck in the morning since it's black friday, and he works in retail (=worst day of the year). He texted me back, but just to tell me how great his holiday was, and that's all. He didn't ask how mine was, didn't wish me a happy thanksgiving, nothing. I sent him another text saying that I was glad he had a nice holiday, and how he must be feeling better (he hadn't been feeling well the day before). He responded how he still wasn't feeling well, but not badly enough to prevent him from enjoying the holiday. Again, nothing to indicate that he cared how my holiday was, or any interest in my day at all. So, I decided to not text him today, to see if he'd text me. Nope. I haven't heard from him at all in 24 hours, so to me, that signifies an end to whatever this has become. I'm kind of angry that he thinks it's ok to just stop talking to me, I honestly really enjoyed all of our conversations and time spent together, and if it wasn't going anywhere, then at least we could've been friends. At this point I have no idea what to think of it, and I'm pretty disappointed that he's chosen an absence of communication.

So that's it, that's how it ends with guy who lives with his ex, I guess. I'd be surprised if I never heard from him again, but I'm not sure how I'd even respond at this point. Things I'm thankful for out of this whole thing (because my new dating attitude = positive, not bitter):
1. I'm thankful that I met someone with whom I had a great connection. Yes, the timing sucked, yes, his situation was not ideal, and maybe the relationship was not meant to be, but we had a palpable connection, and that was truly exciting.
2. I'm thankful that I didn't rush things with him. Things never really progressed beyond very basic kissing on the couch. I'm glad it didn't go too far.
3. I'm thankful that I have so much to look forward to in the future. Whoever it is that I'm going to end up with is still out there, and I'm looking forward to that first date!

My mom offered to get me a subscription to Jdate for Hanukkah. I guess it's back out in the world of dating again... I never seem to be gone for too long. I'm really going to try the Jewish thing for a while, who knows it might work out in my favor... never has before, but it's always worth a shot.

The Kill Switch

This has been a pretty slow few weeks of dating. It does not help that I've been working like fiend. By the time Thanksgiving comes around, it will be my first day off in 14 days. The constant workload is starting to take it's toll on me a bit, but I like be busy all the time. It's better than having too much free time. When I have too much down time, I do crazy things.

Anyway, this was not the case this week. I know the guy who lives with his ex wanted to see me more this week, but I just didn't really have the time. On Wednesday we went to the movies, which was nice. But it was all that we did. He picked me up, we went to the movies, he dropped back off at my house. No long hours of talking or me not getting enough sleep that I could blame on this week's dates. Nothing really of note from Wednesday night.

Last night, I went to see some of my old students in the high school play in my school district with a friend. The guy asked me earlier in the week to go to this fund raiser with him at a bar near his house, but I didn't think I'd be able to make it because of the play. After the show was over, we were looking for something to do, so we went to the bar where the guy and his friends were. I knew this was a dangerous move for a few reasons. First of all, he had texted me that he was really drunk, so that's already a problem. Secondly, he was there with his roommate/ex-brother-in-law, and a friend that he works with. I think it might be jumping the gun a bit to meet each other's friends (and ex in-laws). But we went, and everyone was introduced. True to his fashion, he asked me if he could kiss me in front of my friend, if I would be ok with that. He needs to just do things, and stop asking or announcing it before hand. If he's so concerned I'm not going to like it, then he shouldn't do it at all. If he had kissed me, I would have went with it, but he didn't, he asked, and I didn't really know what to say to that. So nothing. It was all going well, until I realized how drunk the guy actually was. First, he spilled his beer all over the bar, which isn't a big deal, but I'd probably have flagged him at that point. I'm not his mother, nor his girlfriend, so I have no say in telling him when he needs to stop drinking. So he continued. And I noticed throughout the night, his conversation was getting a bit confrontational. He kept mentioning, that I had all these control issues, and I constantly have my finger on the kill switch, so I can walk away at any time, unscathed. He's not completely incorrect. I don't have a whole lot invested here, and I'm not really thinking long term. But the way he was coming at me about it was something very foreign to me. Usually, we joke around a bit, but this seemed almost malicious.

As the night went on, some people at the bar were dancing, and he mentioned that the girls were dancing together in a lesbian fashion - I made some comment about he how would know, since he's the expert on all things lesbian. And somehow in the conversation I used the word "lesbianic," which I know fully well is not a real word, but he goes on to challenge me on it. And so he tells me to look it up on my phone, so I find a definition for it on Urban Dictionary. This started a crazy argument. He claims that Urban Dictionary is not a credible source, which I agree with, but I was being contrary, and made him prove why. He claims it's not a credible source because it's like Wikipedia, which he claims is not a credible source. Well, that got me started on my librarian tirade about how Wikipedia is as credible as the Encyclopedia Britannica, and if you would accept that as a credible source, than Wikipedia is a credible source as well. This is my area of expertise, I have my Master's in this nonsense. Seriously. And he's arguing with me that Wikipedia is not a credible source, I tried stopping the conversation, multiple times, because he was drunk, and he was yelling, and I was really really uncomfortable. Had we both been sober, and having this conversation in my living room, at a normal tone, I don't think it would have escalated into what happened next. So, after I tried stopping the conversation 3 times, I finally turned to him and said, I really need you to stop because I asked you 3 times and you won't shut up! (or something really obnoxious like that) I knew it was mean, I knew I shouldn't have said it as soon as the words were out of my mouth, but it was too late. And he got very offended, as he should, and went to leave. I could have let him walk away, angry, and who knows what would have been the end result. But, I didn't. I explained to him, that I tried to stop the conversation 3 times, and he wouldn't listen. And he agreed, and we talked it out, and I guess everything turned out ok.

I was really unsettled with how things were left in general. There was no physical contact throughout the entire night besides him occasionally putting his arm around me, or on my back. Which I'm ok with, I don't think HE is ok with, and I think he somehow managed to express his frustrations with me through the argument over Wikipedia. Which probably wasn't about Wikipedia after all. So I have my finger on the Kill Switch, it's probably just a matter of time.

Someone Who Gets Me

I'm staffing a convention this weekend for the youth group, which is very long and time consuming, and a lot of over stimulation on the Judaism front. Of course, the theme of this year's convention is the Jewish life cycle. And the course I'm staffing (with the help of a much senior advisor, of course), Jewish weddings. Oh lord. If my conscience wasn't already screaming to me that I should be dating someone Jewish, well this didn't help either. And to be honest, I don't want to date/marry someone who is Jewish because I want to be really religious all the sudden. But, the rabbi tonight put it very well, it's easier to be with someone who gets you. And if you're raised in similar situations, with like-minded families, and have like minded goals, the better chance that the person you're with will get you. I get it, totally. And it's something I want. I just haven't made the commitment to finding it yet. Well, to be fair, the guy I had a huge crush on over the summer was Jewish, not practicing, but from a Jewish family - just the way I like 'em. But I hadn't made a commitment to finding that in him, it just happened to be a pleasant surprise. Not that it matters, it didn't work out in my favor, but that was the last and only Jewish guy I can remember even being mildly interested in for quite some time.

The guys I've dated before that were Jewish don't have the greatest track record (well, let's be honest - none of the guys I've dated have a great track record - otherwise - I wouldn't still be looking!), but let's focus on the Jews in particular. Because according to the rabbi tonight, these will be the guys who "get" me. My longest term relationship was with a Jewish guy, he's now SUPER UBER Jewish, and that's horrifying to me. When we dated, he was interested in Judaism culturally, and we celebrated the holidays, but trust me - he ate bacon and he liked it. But now he's Kosher, and probably keeps Shabbat, and seriously, I don't like the idea of subscribing to a religion because it fits your life. It should be because you believe in it. The first guy in Brooklyn I dated for a substantial period of time (the poker player) was Jewish. Definitely not practicing, and we never dated over any of the holidays, so it never even played a part in our relationship. Regardless of our shared background of religious upbringing, we had NOTHING else in common. That kid did NOT get me. And to be honest, I didn't really get him either. So that brings me to the last Jewish guy I dated for any significant period of time, and that's CK. Now, I KNOW our mothers and my grandmother set this up because they both looked at us and thought -- Hmm, they are relatively the same age, and JEWISH. A match made in heaven for them. The fact that he had a bisexual girlfriend living in Canada? Irrelevant. He was Jewish. He must be PERFECT for me. And you know what, in a lot of ways CK and I really worked. If it hadn't been for his girlfriend in Canada and him lying to me about it... well maybe things would've been different, but that's neither here nor there. I do remember one of my favorite dates with him was when we went out for Chinese food on Christmas. Last year's Christmas was obviously spent with Mr. Perfect, and I had my very first Christmas tree, and had Christmas morning with presents, and big family breakfast, but it wasn't MY holiday. I felt like an outsider, and that's not what I want.

I think someone who's not Jewish could get me. definitely. When I was in Hawaii, I wrote out a list of my "Perfect Guy" attributes (and I can't believe I'm going to post that on here, but it's what I think I want at the moment. It changes all the time!)
#1 - SMART (and yes I wrote that in all caps, and underlined it a couple of times)
#2 - Passionate - about something, preferably me....
#3 - Creative - goes along with passionate, but I want someone on the creative side of the spectrum - musically, artistically, emotionally, how ever it works...
#4 - Friendly/Social - Someone who can hold their own in a group, Someone who doesn't have trouble meeting new people (can anyone guess where this one stems from??)
#5 - Positive - can look at a bad situation and make something better out of it. (again - three guesses on who DIDN'T do this...)
#6 -Laughter - Someone who can make me laugh, and partakes in laughter, a lot.
**Bonus points for - Jewish (or just spiritual), successful (not rich, but happy in his chosen life path), grounded, goal oriented, spontaneous, a reader, and someone who can keep me guessing, and smiling, most of the time.

Above all, someone who wants me to be happy.

That right there, is the guy who gets me. Doesn't seem like it would be too hard find.

Outed

So my blog has been read by someone who lives with the guy who lives with his ex (but not his ex). I actually had figured this out yesterday through a conversation that I had with him, and I'm debating whether that means I go back and change what I've written in the past. Right now, I'm opting for not changing it. I'm totally allowed to feel however I want to feel and write about it, if he or anyone he lives with choose to read it, I can't help that. Nor should I feel like I have to apologize for it. This my slight rant because yesterday we were talking over IM, and he brought up the "announcing" thing, which I didn't think I made a huge deal about when we were together, but apparently I did and I hurt his feelings. I felt badly about hurting his feelings, but the depth of what he said and how he made me feel awkward felt like it was coming straight from the blog. Since I don't remember talking that much about it, I assumed he had read the blog and that was where his hurt feelings came from. Apparently I had made a big deal about it, and it hurt his feelings anyway, but regardless, he didn't read the blog, his roommate did.

I think besides the previous entry they were all pretty fair. The last one I was extremely tired and grouchy. Which may lead me to over think things, and over analyze. But it's exactly how I was feeling at the time. Just like the ones before that when I was giddy and happy about it was exactly how I felt at that time... I've been guarded from the beginning, and that's only fair considering his unconventional living situation, but I think I'm giving this guy a fair shake. If I wanted to end this, I've had plenty of outs, but there's something there definitely, and it makes me want to continue. I'm taking this SUPER slow and that's ok with me. I'm in no rush, it's not like I've got to have it all figured out anyway. I'm really not sure about anything in my life at this point, my life is consumed with work, which I hate - but I love all my jobs, and I feel like I'm falling behind in work the more time I spend dating. But if I ever want to reach a point where I'm not dating, then I have to continue it. Catch 22. Damn.

Grouchy.

I feel like I may be getting myself into trouble with this new guy. I can't tell if it's because of the general lack of sleep that has existed in my life since last Thursday, or because I'm fooling myself. I don't know. I do know that I've been extremely grouchy today, and really tired on top of it all. I want to go back to the first date, where it was just the facts, and not so complex.

Last night, he came over to my house under the pretense of watching a movie and ordering some pizza. We did order pizza, but the movie was never watched. Not for any reasons any of you might infer, either. We ended up just talking on the couch for about 5 hours. Just talking I'd say for 95% of the time, 5% kissing. I'm not looking to rush this any farther, and I can really just get caught up in the conversation that I don't want to be distracted by other things. I go back and forth on the physical aspect of this relationship. I like it, but sometimes I question if I enjoy it or not. I think I might really prefer to develop the friendship and see if the physical part comes a little more naturally later. He's still super awkward when it comes to all of that. I actually had to tell him last night that he doesn't need to tell me that he's going to kiss me before he does. Seriously, it's like a play by play announcer in the room.

Announcing aside, there are little things that bother me about this budding relationship. Nothing substantial or anything of note, but I'm wondering if it's my guard going up, or something else entirely. I don't expect to know how I feel about him after less than a month, and I wouldn't feel so badly about it except he seems to be pretty confident in how he feels about me, and doesn't stop telling me. He's still over complimentary. Last night's best one was, "I like your ears." Um, dude, it's GOT to stop. It's getting to the point where it actually makes me a bit uncomfortable.

November has never been a good dating month for me. For some reason this year I'm reminded of my relationship with T and how he dropped off the face of the earth, mid November. Part of me wants to do that. Just drop off the planet for a little while. I feel like I know what I want, ultimately, and a guy who is still living with his ex-wife (lesbian or not), has been divorced just barely over a year, doesn't seem to know what he wants in his life... I hate to say all this, because I DO like him. A lot in fact, it's just that at the end of the day, I'm not dating just to date anymore. I'm dating because I am looking to be with one person. And even though Mr. Perfect and I haven't been broken up for that long, I feel like I've been doing this forever.

So what does all this mean for the guy who lives with his ex. Do we have a connection - undoubtedly so. He makes me laugh, we can talk for hours at a time, and he has no trouble showing me how interested he is in me... so what's my problem?? Maybe it's the physical? I enjoy it when it feels natural and not awkward as hell. I'm still working through this one, but for now I need a good night's rest and some time to process all that I want.

No Sleep.

Yesterday was the new guy's birthday. We had spent a substantial amount of time together the night before, but we decided we'd hang out again after I was done working last night anyway. Regardless of how long I've known a person or how well, I think birthdays are important days, hence why I spent time with Mr. P on his birthday, and I certainly didn't mind 2 nights in a row with this guy. I wanted to do something special but nothing over the top for him. So I bought a bottle of wine, checked out a selection of movies from the library/blockbuster, and cleaned the downstairs of my house (this in itself is a BIG deal!).

He came over around 10, and we had been up so late the night before that it felt really late to me. We had some wine, picked one of the 6 movies I had brought home, and settled in. We cuddled on the couch, and it was really nice. If it was my birthday, I would've been pretty happy with the events. As the night progressed, I was fighting to not fall asleep during the movie, so we stopped watching it and talked, kissed, and other activities... passing time is something which we clearly have no trouble doing. And 10 o'clock turned to 4am... again. I had to work fairly early today. So I was up at 8, after not a lot of sleep the night before, and only 4 hours of sleep last night, I'm feeling kinda clouded today. These late nights are starting to catch up with me, but when I'm in the moment, I don't think much about how it will affect me later!

Some of the conversations we had last night weren't really important. Some were very important. I am more comfortable talking to him about his ex wife, and the whole situation than I was before. One of our conversations revolved around that. I feel like I have a better understanding on why they are still living together, and despite it all, I am really ok with it. I'm not ready to meet her or anything like that, but I can handle the fact that she is a daily part of his life. It's not an ideal situation, but it's not an impossible one either. I'm more concerned about how my family/friends will respond to this, which I know in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter. What matters is if I'm happy, and not what they think. I care deeply about the opinions of my friends and family, and would love their approval, but I feel like this might be one situation that is hard for them to wrap their heads around. I'm still taking it one day at a time, and not getting in over my head. I need a few days apart, maybe one good night's sleep, and then I think I'll be able to think clearly about this.

Turning Point

I'm always surprised how quickly these things happen. I mean one minute, I'm content dating multiple guys, seeing where things go with each of them, and the next, I feel like any date would be an indiscretion and somewhat dishonest to the guy I've been dating. It's been 5 dates (one in 2 parts - that's to come) with the guy who lives with his ex. And I've done everything in my power to rationalize every reason why I shouldn't be with him, but I can't do it anymore. I like him, he likes me... so it just makes sense at this point. He's not perfect for me, not by any stretch of the imagination. And I don't know if it has real staying power, but for right now, I'm going to be happy enjoying it in the moment, taking it as it comes, and while I don't have to stop dating other people, I probably will.

Yesterday's date happened in two parts.

Part One

New guy and I had been texting all day the day before until about 7ish. I had a youth group event that night and he was going out to watch the game with some friends, so I knew that texting would be sporadic at best. He had sent me a text before I left asking me where I was, and which made me think that he hadn't gotten some of my previous texts. I sent him a text during my event, lamenting the score of the game and asking how his night was going... but I didn't hear back from him. I start to panic whenever there is a change in communication patterns. It's nonsense, because texting is an unreliable way of communicating, but I do freak out a bit. I got a text from him when I got home later that night, after midnight, accusing me of falling of the planet, but he hopes I had a good time out and he'd talk to me soon. I was confused because I clearly hadn't been the one to fall off the planet, he hadn't returned any of my texts! I sent him an email, and mentioned that we might be having technical difficulties with our texts. In the morning, still no response from him, so I started to panic a little bit. This is how I know I like this guy. If I didn't, I wouldn't care too much about not hearing from him (like when the bad kisser dropped off the planet, I didn't think twice about it). So, I decided that I was going to call him. I don't think I've ever initiated a phone call to him, and we've only talked on the phone a handful of times, and usually just to firm up plans. I was nervous, but it turned out to be no big deal. He hadn't gotten any of my text messages since the night before, around 6 or 7 ish. So he thought I was ignoring his texts and he hadn't checked his email. It all worked out fine, and we decided to go out for lunch, even though we had talked about hanging out at night too.

We went to lunch, and then to coffee, and just spent hours talking as usual. In my mind I was wondering if we were ever going to take this past the talking and a kiss goodbye stage, because that's exactly how it's been going for the past 4 dates. The first half of this date was the same. He drove me back to my house, dropped me off, kissed me goodbye. Again, no great spark at the kissing... and I was disappointed. He had to go out for his friend's birthday and I was meeting up with friends for dinner, but he wanted to hang out after he was done dinner.

Intermission - Dinner & Pedicure = me hashing this out with the girls. The opinion there was to move this past the kiss goodbye stage, but short of him coming into my house or me going to his, I couldn't figure out how to make this happen.

Part Two

He came back to my house to pick me up for the second part of our date. He wanted to come in to my house, but I hadn't cleaned and there was NO way that was happening. And he clearly didn't want to go back to his place with all of his roommates about. So we ended up at a diner. And we stayed there for hours, and talked and talked... it's turning into a pattern. We drink coffee, we talk, we go back to my house, he kisses me goodbye, the end. I was NOT going to allow that to happen. This was do or die. Not to be harsh, but if there wasn't a spark at the end of this date, then that was it! I was done. So, after hours at the diner, he drives me back to my house, and we kiss... but it's different this time. Neither one of us in a rush to leave, or get somewhere. So we lingered, and the kissing was... well... remarkably better in terms of sparks. Butterflies and excitement and all of that. I'm glad I didn't write it off at the first one, or the second... third time's the charm. I feel great when I'm with him, he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am, and really seems wowed to be with me all the time. I'm getting better at accepting compliments like these, and instead of trying to be humble and deny them, I'm trying to get better by just saying "thanks." It's definitely new, considering I can count on maybe 2 hands the number of times Mr. Perfect told me he thought I was pretty. But this guy doesn't hold back, and I like it. We stayed in his car for about 2 hours or so. It wasn't really the most comfortable, and seemed so silly because we were right outside my house, where no one else lives but me, but really it wasn't clean enough. And being in the car definitely prohibits things from going too far too fast. I finally went in my house around 3 am, and I feel bad because he had to work today. It's his birthday today, and he has plans with his ex-wife's family for dinner/cake (I know... at what point does that start sounding ok?) but he's coming over here afterwards. So today I'm cleaning in preparation, I feel excited about this prospect and nervous at the same time.

Last night was definitely a turning point, tonight may be too.

Kissable Moments.

So, it continues with the guy who lives with his ex-wife (needs a new name... can't think of anything clever). I'm torn, yeah, I don't like the situation, and every time I think about it, it makes me generally uncomfortable. And the worst part is I think I make sort of snide/seemingly jealous or bitter comments to him, which just makes me seem a little immature. Although, I'm not sure HOW I should respond when he talks about her. It's weird, definitely. But in all fairness, this situation is definitely different than the ones before. First off, I know that she knows about me, which is always a bit more comforting than being kept a secret, as was the case with CK & D. And I know he likes me. I'm not saying this as a perceived notion, I'm stating it as fact. He totally is into me. He texts me all the time, asks to see me pretty often, and I don't mind.

We went out on Monday night, instead of watching the World Series game as I had planned. In my defense, I did not want to watch them lose, and if they did win, there would be game 6 and (hopefully) game 7, so I should just go out. Well of course I missed a great game, but I had a great date instead. It was pretty low key. We went to dinner, he picked me up so there was no weird driving situation like last time. And after dinner we were going to go to the movies, but there wasn't anything that either of us were very interested in seeing, so we decided to go for coffee. But there weren't any coffee places open except Dunkin' Donuts (which is poorly lit for dates - it's way too harsh), and Starbucks, which we both don't like... so we drove to WaWa, got coffee and drove to a park. It was kind of a chilly night to be sitting out in a park, but it was night. We were sitting next to each other, so it made it hard to look at him while we were talking, that and I was trying to keep from shivering out of my skin - I get so cold so easily! At one point he told me how comfortable he felt with me, which was nice, and I feel comfortable with him too, I'm just not sure I feel romantically comfortable with him. He's kind of awkward in that area... and it just makes me feel a little awkward. And I'm not, when it comes to romantic gestures or those initial moments. Those first dates are always a little awkward, but I felt like this was on a different scale. He pointed it out last time, which I wasn't so happy about, because I felt like it put more pressure on me.. And he's so not awkward in any other way. I wish he were just cool with making a move, kissing me, whatever. I definitely wanted him to kiss me while we were at the park, and I'm sure he wanted to, but I wasn't going to make that move. So he didn't. ARGH. Frustrating. It would have been a nice first kiss place. But alas... it was not.

So, he drove me back to my house. It was getting late, almost 1 am, and the next day wasn't a teaching day (election day = no students) and this week is a short one, so I didn't really care about the time. I would've stayed out later. But there was no where to go, and he wasn't making any moves... so home it was. When we got back to my house, we sat in my driveway for quite some time. When I finally got sleepy and started yawning profusely, and was ready to go, he decides to make a move. What?? Ok, so he comes around to open my door for me in the car, which is very sweet, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I would have been very good at dating in the 1950s or whenever people did this all the time and it was expected. I was just sitting in his car, alone and it felt really awkward waiting for him to go around and open the door for me. So, he opens the door, and decides that a great moment to kiss me. When I'm just about ready to go to bed. I was a little surprised, since he had plenty of kissable moments throughout the date, and didn't take any of them (he did lick my sweater at one point... that's a strange story, and sounds SO weird out of context and really gross, but it was actually part of what we were talking about... I just can't remember why at this time) but chose to kiss me when he was dropping me off. It was good, the kissing, and it's only a little awkward that he's shorter than me (have I mentioned that before? Shorter, maybe 2 inches, than me is not really my type! but then again, neither are divorcees who live with their ex-wives.) But, he walked me to the door, kissed me some more, and that was the date.

I didn't feel a great spark when he kissed me. He wasn't a bad kisser and it was generally pleasant, but I wasn't totally enamoured by it. Maybe I was too tired, or anticipating it too much. I liked it, I just didn't get butterflies or feel super excited by it. I'm obviously not going to write it off, and we're going to go out tomorrow night and/or Friday (depending on how the Phils do tonight!!), but I'm hoping there's more electricity there next time. I want this work, but part of me might be looking for excuses for it not to work out. There's just so many reservations (or rather just ONE looming reservation), and I'm dreading that part.

Also, I got a shout out on the Nice Jewish Guys Facebook page! Maybe there will be new readers! Too bad all the Jdate dates were from 2006-07. Again, must resolve to date more Jews! (this guy who lives with his ex, not Jewish... but his ex wife is. probably doesn't count though.)

Seeking: NJB

Ever since I've been working as the youth group advisor for USY, people have been asking me if I'm doing it to meet an Nice Jewish Boy. Well, it's not the REASON I took the job, but I wouldn't be opposed, that's for sure. After countless disappointing years on and off Jdate, I kind of wrote off the whole Jewish guy thing. I'm not particularly religious, and wouldn't want to be with someone who kept kosher (me +bacon = goodness, also me + cheesesteak, and shellfish, and everything else that is not kosher) or went to synagogue all the time (not a fan), but someone who I didn't have to explain the rituals of having gefilte fish on Passover, and how it doesn't actually taste as bad as it looks, but I wouldn't hold it against them if they didn't eat it... I don't eat Matzoh Balls, so I lose some points there, I guess. But, ever since I've been resubmerged in the Jewish culture through the USY position, I've realized that it is something that is important to me, at least culturally. Judaism is hard because it's part religion and part culture. You can be culturally Jewish without being religious, and this is something I have a hard time balancing.

I'm a spiritual person. I believe in something greater than myself, and do think there are such things as fate & destiny (no eye rolling please... at least not to my face!) :) I would like to eventually marry someone who is Jewish, I think, and I think whenever I meet someone on match who is, that person becomes automatically more appealing to me regardless of whether or not I would be interested in them if they weren't Jewish. Not to mention my grandmothers like to put it on me that I'm their absolute last hope of a grandchild marrying someone who is Jewish. Nothing like good Jewish grandmother guilt! But regardless, it's always something I saw for myself, but I haven't been actually seeking that out in the guys I date.

Maybe it should be a new year's resolution, a little early, for 2010. Date more Jewish guys. And to help me get there... or if anyone is looking for a Hanukkah present for me, this calendar should suffice. Seriously people, the holidays are right around the corner! :)

Where the Wild Things Are

After a week of trying to figure out what to do about the guy who lives with his ex, I decided I'm not going to do anything at all. Meaning - I'm not going to end things, because frankly, I do like him, despite how impractical it seems right now. So, while he was away in Maine, we communicated through texts every day. And he wanted to see me the day after he got back, but of course, my many jobs interfered with my social life as usual. We went out last night, which was supposed to be a relatively early dinner and then a movie. However, due to some issue at his work, we had to go later, which he did give me the option of bailing on one of the activities (dinner or a movie, instead of both). I didn't want to cancel the movie, because we've hung out before and done the whole conversation over drinks, etc, and dinner seemed to be too similar to that, AND I really did want to see the movie. A movie date without anything else doesn't lead to much, so it had to be both. So, a later dinner and an even later movie, I was still planning on being home by midnight.

We went to a Thai restaurant that I had been meaning to try not too far from my house. I had heard good things about it, and it was ok, nothing great like Brooklyn Thai food, but not much is. We split a bottle of wine, and talked over dinner. He ordered Pad Thai, which made me laugh, because it reminded me of one my first blog dates when I totally criticized my date for ordering pad thai, it was a boring choice, but I was also making my point then that it was a boring date and his food choice just emphasized that. And, in confession, this guy knows about the blog. He's my friend on facebook, and has seen multiple friends post things about the blog, and I have mentioned it before too. So I told him the story about the date with the boring pad thai. I know. Telling guys about the blog has never worked in my interest before, but I believe that he has no intention of actually trying to find it and whether he does or not, I want to assure you that this is not watered down blogging.

So over an hour at dinner, long conversations as usual, and it's time to head to the movie. We split a piece of cake before going in, and are just one of few people in the theater. I mean, who really goes to the movies at 9:40 on a Tuesday night. (BONUS Mini Blog - within the blog -I actually had been to the same theater the night before with Mr. Perfect. I took him out for his birthday - I felt bad, it was his birthday and he had no plans. Although he did tell me that he's been on a few dates with a new girl, and has slept with her. Seriously, and all that time I was very careful not to tell him about the Bad Kisser because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Well, that went out the window at dinner, and I told him about the bad kisser and that I was going out with the guy who lives with his ex, and texted guy who lives with his ex throughout the night while I was out with Mr. P. Uch, I was so irritated by him. I did tell him that he's dating the wrong girls and that he's not going to be happy if he still is unhappy with his life. I was pretty harsh on him, for his birthday and all. but whatever, I'm over that. I did my duty as a friend and an ex, and made sure he didn't spend his birthday by himself. It wasn't a fun evening for either of us, and I doubt it will happen again anytime soon. Much needed closure.) ANYWAY, back to the date at hand... I LOVED the movie. I know a lot of people who saw it and didn't like it, but I didn't go into it thinking of it as a kid's movie and you really can't. It's not meant for little ones, and it's an angry, yet beautifully made movie. I love the book, Where the Wild Things Are, and the movie did not disappoint. I really thought Sendak's artwork came through the cinematography beautifully, and to take a 5 minute story and turn it into a full length film was not done without a lot of development of the characters. Loved it.

After the movie, he drove me back to my car and we sat there and talked for another 2 hours. I think he wanted to kiss me, but I was not going to make it easy for him. He told me that he's really awkward about the "end of dates" and I kind of shook my head sympathetically. I'm not going to make the first move. And then I brought up my own reservations. I'm not really ready to let go the whole living with his ex-wife/lesbian thing. So I brought it up, as my own apprehension that I have towards whatever it is that we're doing (which as of right now, is hanging out... and if that's all it's going to be, I guess it doesn't matter who he lives with!). And we talked about that at length for a long time, we talked about his relationship with his ex, his marriage to his ex, his wedding. How it all went wrong. Really lovely 3rd date conversation. He made it very clear that he likes me, he's interested in dating me at least, and he hopes that I can come to terms with his living situation. I hope I can too. I really do like him, despite my actual trying not to, because it might not be the ideal situation to be in, but I'm willing to see how it all pans out.

I'm not sure how the rest of my dating life is holding up at this point, my work schedule definitely impedes it, and there's one guy who's been trying to set up a date with me for about a month, but it seems like my work gets in the way every single time. And I don't think he's all that interested anyway. If he were, we could meet up for drinks/dinner during the week, but he's never been that interested in setting that up. And he always waits until the last minute to try to make plans. With my schedule, I can't do that, and so, a month or more later, we still haven't been on a date. He's still trying though, we'll see if it happens. There's a few more, emails/IMs only at this point. Who knows what will be, and who knows what could happen in the mean time. All I know is that when all is said and done, I look forward to hearing from the guy who lives with his ex the most, and haven't really thought much about any of the others since. These are big steps for me, those of you who lived through my crazy summer/fall, I'm finally(?) ready to move on!

Cooking for One

I have to admit, that when I'm by myself, I don't do much just for myself. And since I live alone, and don't often have company, this means I very rarely cook for myself. Sometimes I don't even eat depending on the amount of food that is in my house. I went from the end of June until the end of September without grocery shopping. It's a talent.

Tonight, I went to a cooking class. It was geared towards young Jewish singles in their 20's and 30's. Of course the demographic was made up of mostly girls, one gay (?) guy, one guy who left about 20 minutes in (and he was not attractive!), and another borderline attractive, but not really, guy. It was run by a gay guy and a married guy, so my only hope going into this was the chef. He did not disappoint.

I'm not going to lie. I find talent to be one of the most appealing thing a person can offer. Show me skill, talent, creativity, whatever, and I am yours. So, this single, Jewish chef was all in all VERY appealing to me. Maybe appealing enough to become a new crush (I know you all will miss the old one!). I partnered up with another girl during the class, stationed myself directly in front of the chef, and smiled shamelessly the entire time. Nothing happened, but I did get to make some delicious food, and had the female/male ratio been a bit more balanced, it would've been a bit more productive I think.

I don't think I'm going to be cooking all that more often for myself now, nor do I think anything will come of this, but I had a good time and got my mind off other things that have been plaguing it lately!

food = delicious.

Doesn't it sound familiar...

Last night was the 2nd date with the guy from earlier this week. You know, the one who lives with his lesbian ex-wife, and all his ex in-laws either in the same house or right across the street? Yeah, that one.

Ok, so I don't care about that so much anymore. I know I probably should. I've been burned badly in situations like these... D and his ex girlfriend, CK and the BFPE, who was bisexual, which I know isn't the same, but that didn't turn out well in my favor either. I know it probably doesn't matter how many excuses I make, there's just something wrong with living with your ex-wife, no matter how into girls she is. But all that aside, I just don't even really think about it when we're hanging out.

Last night we met up at a coffee shop in walking distance from my house. There is something calming about being able to walk to date, it reminded me of dating in NYC. I considered driving the 3 blocks because it was so cold and miserable out last night, but in the city, I would have never driven to the subway, and the coffee shop is closer to my house than the subway was to my apartment, so that didn't make much sense. I bundled up way more than I should have to for mid-October, and walked over to the coffee house. Well, it was so crowded and there was some sort of open mic night going on, it was kind of crazy. We found a spot that ended up being a good as we were going to get in there, removed in a corner, behind the music, so we weren't even facing it. However, there were some very strange folk and very interesting music which provided much fodder for the conversation.

Some highlights of the night were a song about fisting (I'm not sure that this is what the song was really about, but my date seems to think so, he thought it was hysterical), a spoken word poetry session about nursing homes set to some synthesizer music, a creepy father/daughter (maybe not, we hypothesized this relationship) duet sung pretty badly, and me stabbing myself with a toothpick in my gums. That wasn't embarrassing at all. At one point, the coffee house staff brought around some dessert bites for the customers in the place, on toothpicks. When I have something in my hands, like a toothpick, I tend to fidget with it, and it was in and out of my hands/mouth while we were talking. And at one point, I lodged it into my gums pretty hard, and I started to bleed, kind of excessively. I had already finished my tea and I didn't have anything to rinse my mouth out with, it was pretty horrific. My date was cool though, and if he was terrified by my self-mutilation, he didn't let on too much. I'm realizing I'm way out of practice in the dating scene, in my heyday I would have known not to play with sharp objects!

So, this date was only moderately shorter than the last one, lasting about 3.5 hours, which for a second date isn't so bad. I was still tired from the late night earlier in the week, and hadn't fully caught up on my sleep, so I was yawning profusely by 11 pm. Around 11:30 we made it outside, and I wonder how the goodbye would have gone if it hadn't been awkwardly interrupted. This tall, gangly, toothy guy followed us out, he had been in and out of the place all night, and had been the topic of much speculation and discussion on our date. Tall guy proceeded to try to talk to us, asking if we were leaving. Which just made it awkward for us, because he had to go to his car, and I was walking in the opposite direction... so we hugged goodbye, and tried to escape the weird guy. I was slightly afraid that the tall guy was going to follow me around the corner, but he didn't. He just kind of interfered at an inopportune time.

So the ex-wife guy is going away for over a week, and I'm sure we'll be in communication the entire time, but it's a lot less pressure to figure out what it is I'm looking for with him, and if I want to play this role for yet a 3rd time in my dating history.

3rd time's a charm?

Just the facts.

So I'm going to try to disclose very little about last night's date, just the facts. I don't want to muddy this up with opinions of what I think is right or wrong... I'm just trying to sort through the facts, and then go from here.

Fact #1 - This guy started emailing while I was dating the bad kisser. I wasn't not interested, but I wasn't interested in starting something new while I was still working things out with the bad kisser. Things fizzled and I went away, didn't expect to hear from him again.

Fact #2 - He emailed me again when I got home and updated my match profile with pictures from Hawaii. I had already decided to end things with the bad kisser, so this was as good opportunity to reconnect as any. We started emailing, daily.

Fact #3 - Over the past 2 months, we have exchanged about 100 emails, most of them very long, and lengthy. That's about an email a day from each of us, sometimes more. I have definitely gotten to know him through emails, and he's someone I can connect with intellectually for sure... but I'm not without very strong reservations on this one. Which brings me to..

Fact #4 - He's divorced. I don't usually date guys who are divorced, even if there are no children involved (especially if there ARE children involved - dealbreaker.) I waiver on this one here, they got divorced because his wife is a lesbian. Ok, so clearly not his fault. But do I want to be someone's second? And it gets better...

Fact #5 - He LIVES with his ex-wife and her new girlfriend. In the same house, that they bought when they were married. But now they aren't. And his ex in-laws live across the street. I want to be cool with this. He presented it as such: either you get it or you don't, but it's not something he plans on changing until the market rebounds and they can sell it for what it's worth, I get it, but still...it makes me feel a little strange. I remember with D, with his ex, and how he spent most of his time with her and not me, and he definitely didn't live with her. But she wasn't a lesbian either. I'm trying not make judgements. I really don't know what to make of this... But I'm straying from the facts.

Fact #6 - After emailing daily for 2 months, last night we decided to meet up for drinks. I was nervous at first, but quickly I felt like I was having drinks with an old friend. 2 beers and 4 hours later, it was after 1 am on a school night, and I probably could have stayed and talked for another 4 hours. I don't feel like I have to hide anything or pretend to be something I'm not, I felt very comfortable, very fast.

Fact #7 - He manages a Borders (me + books = happy), and a few weeks back I had mentioned an owl bag that I bought at Borders... and that there was an owl journal that matched my bag that I wanted. I must have mentioned it a few times. He brought said owl journal for me last night. :)

Fact #8 - There was a hug goodbye, no kiss, but again, I'm still not sure. We've texted all day today.

Fact #9 - We're going out again tomorrow.

Chemistry

So, if you've ever dated online, like I have, you may have wondered about those sites that claim to match you with people who are exceptionally compatible for you. eHarmony is one that most people think of, but match has its own variety as well, Chemistry. And by the name, you'd hope that the people you'd be matched with would spark some chemistry.

I've never actively done any of these sites, so I can't really comment. However, every once in a while, Chemistry offers a free weekend, and since I already have the whole profile down, I tried it out. So, the problem is you go through this rigorous matching selection, and you are given matches with whom the computer thinks you'll be compatible, and you really get no say in the matter other than yes or no. So, I chose a few that I thought were ok, based on the very limited profile you get to see, and started communication with one or two. I had to find ways to sneak my email address into the communications because once the weekend was over, I wouldn't be able to email them anymore. So, one guy and I started emailing outside of Chemistry. He seemed ok, a bit older than I usually date, and something seemed, well maybe a bit off. But I'm giving it all a chance these days, so we emailed for about 2 weeks, and decided today to meet up for coffee.

Yawn. Yeah, this date SUCKED. Sorry for not being hopeful or even kind. It was just so painfully boring, I didn't know what to do. I managed to sit through 2 hours of coffee, by just barely staying awake. The conversation was rough. I mean, I know I'm out of practice. It's been over 2 months since my last first date, but things with the bad kisser were WAY better conversationally than with this guy. I felt like our conversational styles did not gel. Is that even possible? Can you not converse well with someone, even if both people are participating in the conversation?

Somehow the conversation came around to beliefs, and I told him that I believed that everything happens for a reason. And he rolled his eyes. Literally. Rolled his eyes in front of me, as if that kind of response is acceptable. So I asked him what he believes in. He told me that he believes in 3 things... Karma, Murphy's Law, and Choice (which I think is a bit ironic for someone who is dating on a website that doesn't allow you choose your own matches!) Ok. I can believe in all of those three things and still believe that my life is leading me somewhere I'm supposed to be. I just have a strong spiritual faith these days, that there are things that are beyond my control, but I will eventually get to exactly where I need to be. Does this mean I'm giving up free will or letting the universe make choices for me? No, in fact, I feel like it's the opposite. I've made a choice. I've chosen to accept the things that happen to me that are beyond my control (even some of the things that I've chosen that are within my control), I make choices all the time, and they will determine the path of my life - which is exactly where it should be, I hope. Anyway, he wasn't saying anything that I really thought was smart or interesting. And he talked a lot about how his Catholic school education was way better than public school education, which as a public school educator... I take offense to. He wasn't particular warm or kind, and I didn't laugh a whole lot. He looked like Ted Bundy from Married with Children (on edit: thanks to Logan - it's Al Bundy, not Ted Bundy who is a serial killer - whoops!) And I imagine that will only get worse as he gets older.

I'm sad that my first date back in so long was such a let down. I have to be honest that I didn't go into with the high hopes I had promised. I knew from the start I wasn't going to really like this guy, I just was hoping that maybe I was wrong from the initial impression he gave. He gave me an awkard hug and a kiss on the cheek when we were leaving, and said that if I wanted to do this again, I should let him know. I wonder if he thought there was something there that I missed?

So, as far as chemistry goes... I'm not sure what the computers could see that I couldn't, but if I rated our chemistry on a scale of 1 - 10, he'd be a negative 3.

I wonder...

If the person who writes the blogs for woot has actually been out with some of the same guys I have or has heard some of my stories. I know it's just an ad to sell this tripod thing, but seriously, I laughed while reading this whole thing... because well, it's almost as if they have been a part of my previous relationships... all of them with guys who have no friends!

Here is the link to the blog, but here's the text anyway, just for shits and giggles. Seriously, I could've written this myself....

The Photos Don’t Lie

When I responded to his personals ad, I was under the impression he was normal.

He had all these pictures, see? There was one of him playing basketball, one of him laughing over something someone apparently said just out of frame at a nice dinner out, one of him paddling a canoe, taken from the bow. They made it seem like he had interests. Like he had a life. Like he had friends.

Fast-forward nine weeks into our relationship, and we haven’t done anything but hang out at his house and watch Netflix. He recites dialogue along with sci-fi classics, which is funny the first time, but then you realize he isn’t doing it to be funny. For him, this is like reading along with the liturgist at church.

We haven’t been hiking, we haven’t been out to dinner, and watching him fumble with the DVD remote control, I’m starting to seriously doubt he’s a regular at pick-up basketball games.

So I ask him. “Hey, Tim,” I say, all casual-like, “do you want to maybe go camping this weekend?”

He can’t. His back.

“How about tomorrow night I take you out to eat?”

He can’t. His food allergies.

“Well, when do you think I might meet some of your friends?”

He pauses the DVD. Harrison Ford as Deckard is frozen with an expression of alarm, like he knows what’s coming. “This is about my Jdate photos, isn’t it?”

“No, I just… well… Maybe a little. You just seemed so active from your profile. How come we never do any of that stuff?”

“Fake,” he says. “All fake.”

“What do you mean, ‘fake?’” I ask. Who took the pictures for you?”

“I took them myself. I didn’t want to go the hold-the-camera-at-arm’s-length route, though—I thought I’d come off better if it seemed like someone else took them.”

“You… what?”

“I took my Sunpack Flexpod Gripper mini-tripod to a restaurant, I ordered enough food to make it look like a big group dinner, I pretended to talk to someone seated off-camera, and there you go. It was easy. The Flexpod makes a great tabletop tripod, actually.”

“But… canoeing? Basketball?”

“Yeah, that was a busy day. Paddling a canoe is a pain in the kiester, I’ll tell you that. But the photography part was a cinch. The Flexpod can bend to fit almost anywhere. I wrapped it around one of the thwarts and took that photo in about three seconds. Basketball was harder. I can’t dribble worth a turd. It took a long time to get that shot.”

“So… you really don’t have any friends at all?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. I consider the Flexpod a pretty good friend. It helped me score with you. Name another wing man with the patience to take almost three hundred photos of his buddy in hopes of getting one where it doesn’t look like the aforementioned buddy is having an epileptic fit. Plus I can play WAR OF THE WORLDS with it.”

“I… I just don’t understand how you could do such a thing.”

“Simple! I play myself, and the Flexpod pretends to be one of the Martian tripods.”

My goal, seriously, is to date a guy who has a solid group of friends. That's all I really want.

Time for a Change

I've been dating almost exclusively online for as long as this blog has existed. With a few exceptions, most of the dates I had were online dates. I will never speak badly about dating online, I met some great people, had one of the best relationships of my life, but I'm tired of dating online. I'm tired of the emails, and the winks, and the work that goes into being an active online dater. Plus, it makes everything so complicated.. You can check when the last time the person you are dating logged in, if they are still active after your date, does that mean they aren't interested in you? If they don't take down their profile, does that mean they plan on using it, even if you're in a relationship (This was a problem with Mr. P in the beginning.) So how does one meet people in a digital age, where social interaction has been limited to text messages, facebook posts, tweets.

My first step is to ask ANYONE and everyone I know if they know anyone they can set me up with. This is friends, family, co-workers... blog readers? Seriously, if anyone who reads this knows of anyone in the Philly area that might be interesting to date, shoot me an email, let me know. I'm open to anything or anyone.

My two extra jobs are also hopefully going to bring new social interactions. Yesterday and today I had to attend two different synagogue services for the high holidays. There wasn't an overwhelming amount of single men there, but there were definitely a few. And you know Jewish mothers are all about setting up their sons with "nice Jewish girls" (that's me!!) At the library, it's a little tricky, but my job is to talk to people who come in, help them answer any questions, locate any information they can't find themselves. So, new interactions = new potentials for dates. I still have a month paid on Match, and then I get another 6 months for free since I didn't meet "the one." So there will still be possible online dates, it's just not the only way I'm going to try to meet people these days.

The single girls at school are going to make a concerted effort to go out, try different/fun things, happy hours, wine tastings, hikes. We're going to go out, and if we meet people, great... If not, at least we're getting out and doing something fun!

I don't have any dates coming up, there are some email exchanges happening, but no dates scheduled yet. If anyone wants to try to set one up, I'm game!

One Year Ago...

A year ago today, I posted a very sappy loving post about my then boyfriend, Mr. Perfect. It was the day before my 28th birthday, and I was so in love. It's funny what a difference a year makes. In fact, in this case, it was only a few days after that post that Mr. P and I had one of our worst fights ever (it was the day after my birthday, I remember it well) and when we made up a few days later, he told me that even though he loved me, he couldn't see himself ever marrying me. This devastated me, because at that time, I was certain... he was it. I never told a soul that, until today, when I did tell 2 of my best friends this in different conversations. Why, might you ask, would I need to remind myself that at point in time Mr. P made it very clear to me that we would not be a permanent thing? Because tonight, of all nights, he took me out to dinner and a movie to celebrate my birthday. And while it was very innocent and platonic (nothing more than a kiss on the hand when I was leaving his car), I felt an enormous wave of sadness fall over me when I walked into my door, spending the night before my birthday with an ex, and going to bed alone. I don't miss him, or our relationship, we had so many problems by the end. But my life just isn't how I thought it was going to be at 29. And a year ago, if you told me this is where I'd be in my life, I probably wouldn't have believed it. Back to where I had started so many years ago, so many heartbreaks later, and still so unsure where it's all going to go. I definitely have the birthday blues this year. I kind of just want it to be over with, I guess 28 was actually the bad year, so maybe 29 will be a much better one! My 28th year started with me falling down the stairs in school (in front of an entire class of my students!), almost breaking up with Mr. P the following day, and eventually leading to the inevitable break-up, a few months of us being broken up, but not really... and then me spending a summer being irrational and impulsive, again making poor choices. Not my finest year, by far. I hope 29 will be truer to myself. I hope that I can resolve any issues I have with the "ideal" I have in my head, who will never be a reality (mainly because I stalked him... yes, that's the stranger from earlier the summer... I haven't done anything else, just still haven't gotten the idea of him out of my head. Pathetic, no?) I just want to be honest with myself, with the guys I date, with what I truly hope to get out of whatever the purpose of these dates are for. I'm not into dating just for fun anymore... It's not fun anymore, to be honest. It's a lot of work. I read back again over my summer before I turned 26 (that sounds SO young at this point!), and I was having a great time with dating. I didn't care about how it was all going to turn out, I just dated. I didn't care if the guy wasn't into me. I didn't send him crazy emails, trying to explain myself, I just let go, and moved on. I'm feeling a little lost and little bewildered with my life right now. I'm hoping I've made the right choices and where I am will lead to me where I am supposed to be. Hopeful... well at least one of the worst years of my life will be over in just 26 minutes, Happy Birthday to me... :)

29 times around the sun.

With a birthday looming, just a few days away, I feel like maybe I'm just too old for this these days. I'm not the youthful 26 year old serial dater I used to be. I get too invested, too caught up, too emotional, and it's just not the right mindset. 29. Damn.

I seemed to have given off a strong enough uninterested vibe to PJ to end this without me having to say anything at all. It's been 3 whole days and I've heard nothing from him at all. I talked to him on Sunday night, and he tried to convince me to drive out to his place to see him. I was already tired, it's a 45 minute drive there and back, and I wasn't interested in starting my first week of school with students on a sleep deficit. But I was also feeling kind of lonely and sad, too, and stupid thoughts of "maybe it's better to be with a guy who really likes me than no guy at all..." were running through my head, so I was actually considering it. I was debating back and forth, and finally called him to see if he would give me a reason that would convince me to come over. He was at his brother's place, and had been drinking all day... this did not make for very convincing material for me. Basically, we ended the conversation with not seeing each other that night and maybe we'd plan something for another time. I haven't heard from him since. And even if it wasn't already feeling questionable about him, the fact that he did not text me to see how my first day of school was seems pretty clear that he's not all that interested in how I feel or how I'm doing. Maybe this should have been a sign in the beginning when he didn't text after our second date. Whatever the case may be, at least I can settle this and feel alright about it. I updated my match profile, and it seems to have generated a good bit of interest there. I'm not sure when I'll be able to actually go on these dates though, as I have work scheduled for every single weekend from now until November. Well, they are not all work, there are some fun events/activities planned too, but mostly, work. Blech. I'm less than thrilled.

But my motto from the summer, hopeful dating, this is what I'm still trying to muster up, every time I get a wink from a 50 year old in Camden or an email all in CAPS from a guy who calls me creepy things like "sexy mama," it's beyond description. But still, I'm hopeful that the next one will be better suited to what I'm looking for.

Catching Up.

So, here's my life... September is traditionally a big waste of a month for me, socially. It's really hard to balance getting back into a work schedule, being exhausted all the time, AND dating. Traditionally, it's a slow dating month if I'm single. This month proves to be no exception, but I do have some updates from the end of August to catch up on.

Last Saturday, I returned home from the most beautiful vacation, ever. Hawaii is gorgeous, and I highly recommend it to everyone. Throughout the whole week, PJ and I had been texting and talking, almost every day. I would go back and forth between being really into him and missing him, to being annoyed and irritated with him. Not a good sign. He wanted to come over Saturday night, the night I got home from traveling for 14 hours, no sleep, and just overall exhaustion. Also, the following day was my first USY adviser event, and work started on Tuesday and I hadn't so much as even looked at my classroom before I left for Hawaii... Needless to say, on top of being tired, I felt a little stressed out too! I should have known this was not a good idea. I'm not really being fair to him, it was really sweet that he wanted to come see me the very day I got home, and there was a part of me that missed him, I just probably would have felt better about it if I wasn't feeling so overwhelmed by everything else. So, he came over and it was ok. I was cranky, and not being super affectionate for not having seen him for over a week. I definitely feel like my interest in him decreases every time we hang out, which is weird. I can't figure out how that happened, shouldn't you be more interested in someone the more you hang out? We had dinner at my place and then just hung out on the couch. I had every intention of going to sleep early, and despite the 6 hour jet lag, I hadn't slept in 24 hours so I was exhausted. He decided he was going to stay over... I thought that was too much for me right then, but was too tired to get into a conversation about it. It's one thing if it gets too late and you decided to sleep over because it's so late (like 4am) and you decide to stay, but it was 11:30. So he stayed, cramped my sleeping style (which was exactly what I did not need the night before my crazy week), and stayed until almost noon the next day. I HATE that. I really wanted him to leave earlier, but how do you say that? I had so much to do, wanted to get some laundry started before I went to my event, but nothing got done. So finally he left, and I realized that this is just not working for me. I've had the whole week to process these feelings. I just can't date someone that I just don't feel anything for. I can't exactly place what it is that makes me feel this way, and some of my friends think I should give it a chance, let him continue to take me out, etc. I've done that before... and then it lasted over 2 years of my life. I'm not interested in getting stuck in something that I already know I don't want.

So, he came over last night, despite me telling him that I had been at school until 6, and didn't get home until after 8, and was just exhausted. I knew if he came over he would want to stay, and I did not want that. I need to catch up on my sleep, my housework, laundry, the rest of my life! We went to go see Extract, and then he came back to my place. He asked if I wanted him to stay here, and I just said that I really was so tired, and I don't sleep very well when I'm sharing my bed (which is true!), so it'd be best if he left. He seemed rather disappointed that he was leaving so early (although it was after 1am!), and asked what I was doing every single night this weekend. I just can't seem to find the right way to say that I'm not feeling it anymore. I'm not good at this part. I was hoping that my busy schedule would be a deterrent, I even brought out my calendar that shows that all my weekends are booked from now until well into October. I don't know what else I can do, I guess I'll have to tell him.

I was able to figure out why I like him less now than when I first met him. He doesn't have anything new to say. It's like the conversations we had on our first 3 dates, which were great, are the only conversations he knows how to have. He doesn't ask me anything new about myself, and sometimes talking to him feels like pulling teeth. I wonder how this is the same guy that I once had a 3 hour phone conversation with, and now I can barely manage a 10 minute one. It's disappointing. And I feel like I'm constantly trying to drive the conversation into new topics, but he's not the best conversationalist. He's got a weird social awkwardness about him too. It's not like I don't date socially awkward guys, it seems to be all I date actually. But his isn't the withdrawn, shy social awkwardness that I'm used to. It's the "I'm saying things I think are cool but really make me look stupid/like I'm trying too hard" awkwardness. This is BRAND new to me, and I don't know how to respond when he says things like "I'm picking up what you're putting down," or when I say something that is clearly sarcastic or rhetorical and he responds to it as if it were serious. It makes for very bad communication skills. Not what I'm interested in, at all.

With the craziness of school starting, and my 2 other jobs, I'm really ready to just take a break and enjoy what little free time I have.