One Year Ago...

A year ago today, I posted a very sappy loving post about my then boyfriend, Mr. Perfect. It was the day before my 28th birthday, and I was so in love. It's funny what a difference a year makes. In fact, in this case, it was only a few days after that post that Mr. P and I had one of our worst fights ever (it was the day after my birthday, I remember it well) and when we made up a few days later, he told me that even though he loved me, he couldn't see himself ever marrying me. This devastated me, because at that time, I was certain... he was it. I never told a soul that, until today, when I did tell 2 of my best friends this in different conversations. Why, might you ask, would I need to remind myself that at point in time Mr. P made it very clear to me that we would not be a permanent thing? Because tonight, of all nights, he took me out to dinner and a movie to celebrate my birthday. And while it was very innocent and platonic (nothing more than a kiss on the hand when I was leaving his car), I felt an enormous wave of sadness fall over me when I walked into my door, spending the night before my birthday with an ex, and going to bed alone. I don't miss him, or our relationship, we had so many problems by the end. But my life just isn't how I thought it was going to be at 29. And a year ago, if you told me this is where I'd be in my life, I probably wouldn't have believed it. Back to where I had started so many years ago, so many heartbreaks later, and still so unsure where it's all going to go. I definitely have the birthday blues this year. I kind of just want it to be over with, I guess 28 was actually the bad year, so maybe 29 will be a much better one! My 28th year started with me falling down the stairs in school (in front of an entire class of my students!), almost breaking up with Mr. P the following day, and eventually leading to the inevitable break-up, a few months of us being broken up, but not really... and then me spending a summer being irrational and impulsive, again making poor choices. Not my finest year, by far. I hope 29 will be truer to myself. I hope that I can resolve any issues I have with the "ideal" I have in my head, who will never be a reality (mainly because I stalked him... yes, that's the stranger from earlier the summer... I haven't done anything else, just still haven't gotten the idea of him out of my head. Pathetic, no?) I just want to be honest with myself, with the guys I date, with what I truly hope to get out of whatever the purpose of these dates are for. I'm not into dating just for fun anymore... It's not fun anymore, to be honest. It's a lot of work. I read back again over my summer before I turned 26 (that sounds SO young at this point!), and I was having a great time with dating. I didn't care about how it was all going to turn out, I just dated. I didn't care if the guy wasn't into me. I didn't send him crazy emails, trying to explain myself, I just let go, and moved on. I'm feeling a little lost and little bewildered with my life right now. I'm hoping I've made the right choices and where I am will lead to me where I am supposed to be. Hopeful... well at least one of the worst years of my life will be over in just 26 minutes, Happy Birthday to me... :)