Sub-Zero

There is a lot I should be doing rather than writing this... reading, writing, sleeping.

I've taken to going out during the week and it's cutting into my work schedule tremendously. I leave school early and nothing gets done in my classroom. I am out late, so nothing gets done for grad school. It's hectic trying to balance a full time job, grad school, and dating. The problem I have right now is that there are multiple guys that want to see me, and I am interested in seeing most of them (doesn't sound like much of a problem, I know), so I don't want to not schedule dates, but where are my priorities.

Tonight I met up with the college kid, who we can call mini-D from now on - because he really is. This was technically our second date, but I'm not thinking of him as a potential datee anymore, and more of a friend. So we had plans to see a movie tonight, and I really didn't want him to pay for me. It made me uncomfortable and makes me think that maybe he's going to expect something that he's not getting. So he takes out his credit card to pay for the tickets, and I practically throw my money at him, forcing him to take my $8. I want the expectations to be clear from the start. At one point during the movie, he did make a move to put his hand on my shoulder but I was displaying very closed body language, and he backed off pretty quick. The movie was great though, a definite upside to my week.

After the movie he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner at an Italian restaurant right by the Brooklyn Bridge. I agreed, but it was FREEZING out and was very cold, and slightly regretful for having agreed to it in the first place. The temperature was definitely sub-zero, and that matched pretty well how I was feeling towards mini-D and his awkwardness. But the dinner was nice, and I spent the a good chunk of dinner talking about how much work I had to do for grad school this week, and how I was so far behind. I tried talking library school with him, but he was the type of person who compares too much. Now Pratt's program and Rutgers program are completely different, and I really hate people who try to "one up" everything you say. He kept trying to compare our programs even though they are vastly different, and it irked me. He did ask me if I wanted to continue "seeing" him. I told him that I thought it would be best to be friends, since we're at very different places in life. He seemed ok with this answer, but I get the feeling he may persist in trying to romance me. He did insist on paying for dinner, and told me the chivalry wasn't dead. I tried to pay, in fact I almost threw a 20 at him, but he insisted.

He also insisted in walking me all the way back to Bergen St, we were down by the Brooklyn Bridge so it was a good 25 minute walk back to my place. I was going to walk it, because I saw no point in wasting time waiting for the train. It was really cold though, and I almost thought about taking a cab (since I didn't have to pay for dinner after all!), but when I told him I was going to walk, he also insisted on walking me home.

Overall, it was nice, and I can see myself being friends with him. A few things though that sent up some MAJOR red flags during dinner that mini-D felt the need to express to me made me uncomfortable. First, he wanted to tell me that he has a mild form of autism. Asperger's Syndrome is something I am well aware of, and secretly like to diagnose old bosses and exes with it. I studied autism in grad school for my educational degree and in undergrad for psych, so while I'm no where near an expert, I can talk a blue streak about it. I engaged him in a conversation about it for a while, and now I can see where D was coming from when he was trying to convince me in B&N on our last date that he definitely has Asperger's. I was hesitant to believe that, and D is a lot less socially awkward than mini-D is, but I think that's in combination with another thing mini-D revealed to me over dinner. He has Tourettes Syndrome as well. And while he assures me it is well medicated and under control (I may have noticed a few nervous tics, but there was no outbursts of any sort), it does make me a little uncomfortable. So that compounded with the autism, makes him a socially awkward guy. He warmed up to me a lot during dinner, and it was less weird. But there was a strange hug at the end of the date, where I felt like he might have liked to try and kiss me. The good thing about dating someone who is socially awkward is that you can predict most of their moves, and counter them before they even take place. Hopefully he doesn't plan a sneak attack.

There are 3 more guys in the works, I have a date with an Israeli (I know.. I know.. I usually avoid the Israelis...) on Friday, and a third date with the acupuncturist on Sunday... and two guys that are early in the planning stages. One is a musician from Queens, and the other is guy who has a Wii (now that I'm hooked on it - it's a selling factor!) ... and I'm just overwhelmed.

Child's Play

Last night I met up for coffee with the college kid. Now... I must preface that he is in graduate school, and to be a librarian nonetheless, so I was really hoping that the age difference wouldn't be a big deal.

We met up at the Clinton-Washington subway stop off the G at 5 last night. The G train, being what it is, left me at the subway stop waiting... and I was about 10 minutes late. He was waiting inside the subway station, right past the turnstile. We walked to the Pratt campus and to the small cafe where he bought me a chai latte with his meal plan. He was pretty much exactly what I expected him to be like personality/lookswise, and to be fair, of the 3 guys that I went out with this past week - I found him to be the most physically attractive. He does remind me a good deal of D. Looks and personality-wise, although he is slightly more awkward in conversation than D. He plays a lot of video games, reads a lot of fantasy books, even kind of looks like D. I wonder if this is what D would have been like 3 years ago? Interesting thought. Anyway, we talked for a while, and during the conversations, it became apparent, that nice as he is, he's just too young for anything more than a friendship. He is still financially dependant on his parents, which I guess is fine when you're 23, but he doesn't work and is pretty much still living the life of an undergrad. I found that very hard to relate to. He's taking 3 classes this semester, all of which meet once a week, at night, and is not working or doing anything during his days. Coming from someone who is taking 2 classes and working full time, it's hard for me to even wrap my head around that kind of lifestyle. He also does not seem to have a lot of friends that he does things with, and I wouldn't want to become the only person that he saw socially outside of school. Yuck. That's a lot of pressure, and he has a ton of free time. I feel like he could get pretty clingy, pretty fast. He was nice though, and we were able to talk a lot about what we had in common, which was good. I wouldn't mind being friends with him, but I think I'll have to let him know that - much sooner rather than later. After 3 hours, I needed to get back home to do some homework/school work. He walked me not only to the subway, but inside the subway, and offered to swipe me in the turnstile if I didn't have an unlimited metro card. (I do - so it was unnecessary.) After an awkward hug goodbye, we parted ways, and I went to go wait for the G. The best part of the trip home (which made the G a little bit bearable) was when a Mormon missionary tried to convince me to go to church with him this morning.

I heard from the kid not long after I got home, and he asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with him later in the week (it was a movie we had talked about over coffee, and I had mentioned that I wanted to see it.) Although I know better, I said yes. Since I don't think they will accept his meal plan or his metro card at the movies, I will probably offer to pay. Then I will have to proceed to tell him that we're at much different places in our lives, and I think he's too young for me to date him, but we can be friends. Hopefully he will understand.

Next.

Last night I had a second date with the chivalrous acupuncturist. I wasn't expecting it to be so soon after the first, but he called me on Thursday night. He told me he was going to be visiting a friend in Park Slope on Friday afternoon and asked would I want to see him later around 8ish. He also felt the need to mention that he was anxious to see me again - like I couldn't already tell that? I had to be at a school function until 8 or so Friday night, so we agreed to meet up at my apartment around 8:30.

We met up in the blistery coldness that was last night and walked to a small middle eastern restaurant near my apartment. There were no flowers, no acts of chivalry, and it was all very nice and "normal" as far as dates go.

After dinner, we walked back over to my apartment and I invited him up. He got the grand tour of the living room/kitchen (not allowed back to the bedroom yet!) and we ended up making out on the couch for a while. At some point I started complaining that my fingers were throbbing. I have pre-mature arthritis in my fingers and hands that comes out especially when it's really cold (like it was last night) or when it's raining. He motioned for me to turn around so that my back was facing him, and he then proceeded to give me the best massage down my entire upper right side, ending in a very nice finger/hand massage which helped my fingers feel better, then the left side, and finally he had me lay down on the floor and he gave me an full back massage. It was phenomenal. I've never had a professional massage, and I'm not assuming that this is what they are like, but it's a lot closer than anything I've ever had before. I guess that's a perk to dating a guy who does things like this for a living.

He stayed pretty late, and I was tempted to ask him to stay over. But I refrained. I have not had a guy spend the night at my apartment since last year when I was with my ex - and it would be opportune since my roommate is out of town for the weekend... but I'm not in any hurry to get in over my head with this one. I still wonder about the connection we have. We have a good time together, but there is a definite noticeable lack of things to say. There are lulls that feel awkward to me, and maybe that's ok since it's only the second date.

I have a date with the library school kid tonight. We're going to eat at the dining hall (actually I don't know if this is true or not, but I kind of hope so!) Ooooh, exciting.

Chivalry

Chivalry, in fact, is not dead. However, I do not know if I am the prime candidate to receive chivalrous actions.

My date with the Chinese medicine practitioner (who is not Chinese, that is the first question everyone asks me - he's Jewish!) was last night. We were meeting at the Bergen St. subway stop around 7:30 and then we were going to go for some Thai food and then maybe go to a local bar to shoot some pool. A nice, casual first date (note the word casual). So, I went down the subway at the designated time, and as I'm walking towards the subway stop, I can see off in the distance, a man waiting at the subway stop with what appears to be a large bouquet in his hands. My first thought was, oh that's sweet, some guy is bringing his girlfriend flowers... until it dawned on me, that no, some guy is not bringing his girlfriend flowers... That MUST be my date waiting there. My only thought is please, don't let that be him! Oh dear... it was. And my date had brought me not just a bouquet of flowers, he bought me a dozen roses. Oh no. He hands them to me and I say, Thanks, wow, this is a first. To which he replies, no one has ever bought you flowers before? And my reply is, no, I've gotten flowers before, just never... and then I trailed off, and decided to say, but they are lovely and so beautiful, thank you, that was really sweet. (all the while I'm thinking, I have to carry these around with me ALL night? I don't even have a vase at home!) So we go to the neighborhood Thai restaurant, where they know me, and I do bring a different boy there at least once a month. And I have never brought the same guy twice. The woman who works there, came over to seat us, and kind of laughed when she saw my flowers. I wonder what they think of me there, honestly. At least while we were seated I could put the flowers on the bench next to me (the whole packaging/arrangement of it - they were enormous).
So about the guy, he was really nice and pleasant to talk to. He is kind of has a new-age look about him, which is the best description I can think of. I guess since he practices alternative medicine, he must have some sort of new-age-iness about him. But anyway, dinner was nice, as thai food always is. We split two entrees (and like I've said before, good sharers always earn points in my book.) and stayed talking long after we finished eating. This is why I love this restaurant, they don't pressure you to leave or order anything else, they are content to let you sit and talk, with nothing in front of you, for as long as you want. They also probably figure that I'll be back probably sooner rather than later with yet another guy.

We did eventually decide to leave, to go to the bar on the corner of my block to shoot some pool. As we were getting up, he offered to hold my jacket as I got the rest of my stuff together. I have a lot of winter gear as it is, not to mention an entire rose garden wrapped in paper. I was going to just take my jacket back once I was gathered and standing, but he held it out, as if to put it on for me.... So I let him help me into my coat. I don't think a guy has ever in my life done this for me. It was very chivalrous, but I felt very strange about it at the time too.

At the bar (where I brought my large bouquet with of course - I thought about asking if we could stop by my apartment to drop them off, but I didn't want to invite him up to my apartment so soon), we played two awful games of pool. To be fair, I played awfully, he played better than I did, but it wasn't anything to brag about. We had some wine, and then sat in the corner of the pool room for a while on bar stools talking. We had the whole backroom to ourselves for most of the evening, which was really nice. It was private and provided a nice environment to get to know him better without the usual bar atmosphere. At one point, I was mid-conversation, probably talking about my students, and I must have been turned away from him for some reason. When I turned back, there he was, all leaned in for the kill, it surprised me completely, but I went with flow, and we kissed in the back room of the bar where I've now kissed many boys (if 3 is many - 4 if you count kissing against the wall outside the bar). We stayed for a while, intermittently talking and kissing. I don't know if I feel as strongly for him as he seems to be projecting he feels for me. He was talking a lot about when I meet his friends, and in terms of future events. Again, I know from past experiences, this doesn't mean a damn thing. But it's was a bit overwhelming. I think if I were to date him further, I'd tell him he needs to take it down a few notches. He walked me to my door, which is a whole 4 doors down, kissed me goodbye, and said he'd talk to me soon.

I was talking to a friend about the whole chivalry thing, and she made a good point. She said that we're so bitter and scarred from these dating experiences, that we don't even recognize nice gestures as just that, trying to be nice. I don't think this guy was trying to profess his undying love for someone he just met, but maybe he is just a genuinely nice guy trying to make a kind gesture and I reacted poorly to it because I'm jaded.

Tiny Texan

Tonight I had a date with the Texan. We decided we were going to meet up at the Tea Lounge at 6. I arrived early (for once!) and got some tea, settled in reading my book. He showed up about 15 minutes late, but it was fine. I didn't really notice the time, I was so confused at how small he was. For some reason, in my mind I had thought he was 6'1". I could have SWORN that's how tall he was... but apparently, I got him confused with one of my other dates later in the week. So.. he was not only short (maybe 5'6") but he was what I would call petite. Short and skinny, and I'm not a short or skinny or petite person by any stretch of the imagination... When we sat next to each other on the couch at the tea lounge, I felt a bit ginormous.

He was really nice though, and smart. We had tea and talked for a while. I had been concerned about differences being a bit of an issue. He's a vegan. We talked a bit about that. We talked about school, and libraries (he's a librarian - and has taught before too - a teacher and librarian, we do at least have things in common). But I don't know how well we connected. I couldn't tell if he was just shy, or not interested. I enjoyed the evening though. The date lasted about 2 hours, which was long enough. He walked me up to my street, and we parted at the subway stop a block away.

It was a good way to start off the week of dates.

Offended.

Apparently people are offended by what I write. If you know me in person, you know that I'm not an offensive person intentionally, but I do not hold back. I'm sure I could be nicer, but why? I don't think I've written anything that was ever intentionally mean, and if you don't like what I write, then don't read it.

Ahem. Ok. That was my little rant on that. In other news... upcoming dates this week!
3 of them! There's the Kid (a library student who's almost 3 years younger than I... and I thought a few months was bad), the Texan (lives in the city, obviously... but is from texas originally - and is also a librarian. He has a great texan accent!), and the Dr. (who's not really a doctor, but a practitioner of Chinese medicine). The kid I think will turn into a friendship, he actually reminds me a lot of D, without the ex-girlfriend (as far as I know. I haven't done as much research, since a whole lot of good it did me last time - lesson learned, finally!). Which means, he would be great.. but he's younger than my little brother. I don't know that I'm ok with that, just yet. Case in point, a conversation we had today planning our upcoming date went something like this...
The Kid: Do you like smoothies?
E: I do... but it's a little cold for smoothies.
The Kid: My school has a little cafe next to the regular cafeteria that serves coffee, smoothies, pizza, ice cream, milkshakes, etc and I can pay with my meal plan.
E: ...

Yeah, he said pay with his meal plan. I know he's in grad school, and not working. I understand that money is tight. And I'm the LEAST concerned with who pays for what on a date, but paying with a meal plan?? Yikes. I feel like I'm going back to my undergrad days having pledges swipe me into the dining hall... As I typed that, it dawned on me that with this one, that could be a future date. Well, maybe the smoothies are really good. No judgements just skeptical.

The other two I'm fighting everything in me to keep my expectations low. After 2 very hopeful and then disappointing experiences, I'm worried I'm a little bit scarred by recent months. The Texan is up first on Tuesday night, and the Dr. is Wednesday. Both have really interesting qualities that are equally as enticing... I don't want to say too much, it never works out in the end anyway! (Boo pessimism, that's not my style - but I refuse to get my hopes up.)

There are two other potentials that are barely out of the starting gate... but it should keep things interesting for a while.

Square One

Last night was my last date with D. I have to say that it was really hard for me to end this one, because I really did have such a good time with him. It's so rare that you can find someone that you can have such easy, comfortable times with in such a short period of time. But his relationship with his ex was too much for me to handle, and I didn't think it was fair, especially if we were "exclusive" that he should have been seeing so much of his ex, and so little of me.

Over the weekend, D returned from Switzerland, and I honestly expected to see him, or at least talk to him when he got home. We talked a briefly over IM a few times, but he made absolutely no attempt to see if I was around at all over the weekend. So I made other plans. When I finally talked to him on the phone on Sunday morning (he got back on Friday, mind you), he asked me if I was around on Monday. I told him I wasn't sure what time I was going to be back from NJ (I was going down Sunday night to hang out with the girls - and lord knows what kind of nights those turn out to be!). I told him I'd call if I was around. Monday I figured I'd be back in the city around 2 or 3, and I could meet up with him for dinner. I texted him at noon asking him if he was around, and he said when I told him that I wasn't sure when I was going to be back, he made other plans. I wouldn't have minded so much, except I KNEW that his plans were with his ex. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe he just doesn't make plans with anyone other than her... but I was right.

Tuesday night (last night), we had made plans to meet up at Bryant Park around 6. I was thinking we could just do coffee, we could talk about this situation, and then I'd be on my way home. But he wanted to go to dinner, back down in Union Square (why he asked me to meet him in Bryant Park, I can't figure out. I came in from Brooklyn up to Bryant Park, to have to go back down to Union Square. Nonsense.) So we went to Republic, which was great, but the setting didn't really allow for private conversations of such matters I wished to have. So, I mulled over all the points I had wanted to make, made idle conversation, listened a lot to the two gay men sitting at our table talk about their own love problems. After dinner, I wanted to make a quick trip to Barnes and Noble to see if they had the book I needed for my graduate school course in stock. They did not, and the quick trip turned into hours of browsing books. I will never complain about time spent in a bookstore, ever, but I wanted to have the conversation. The more date time we spent together, the more I was convincing myself that we didn't need to have the conversation and maybe the whole ex thing didn't bother me all THAT much. I enjoy spending time with D, so the more time we spent together, the less I wanted to tell him that I didn't want to spend anymore time with him...

We finally ended up at Starbucks, where I worked up the nerve to bring up the conversation. It went something like this (obviously not verbatim, but the general gist):
E: I have something I need to talk to you about...
D: ...
E: um. ok. or not. Ok. I'm not going to say it.
D: ...
E: No. I have to. This is something that's been bothering me, I need to say it.
D: ... *goes to get milk for his coffee*
E: First, I want to preface that this has nothing to do with the time I spend with you, because i really enjoy it. It's more the time I spend not with you... Ok, so I've been uncomfortable about the whole ex girlfriend thing. I feel like you're still dating her. Even if you're not physically intimate with her, that doesn't mean you're not in a relationship.
D: That's not something I plan to change. ever.
E: I don't expect you to not be friends with her, but considering you just broke up not 4 months ago, and she is clearly not over you...
D: ...
E: And, I also feel like you keep me a secret. Not just from her, but from all your friends.
D: Yes. That's just how I am. and all of my friends are friends with *her* so you have to be kept a secret from all of them too.
E: So, I'm like your dirty little secret. There's a reason I don't date married men.
D: Well, it's not something I see myself changing in the immediate future.
E: Ok... Do you think that's something that any girl is going to be ok with?
D: I don't know. Maybe. But I'm not going to do anything to intentionally hurt her.
E: I'm not expecting you to change anything, and I honestly didn't go into this conversation thinking that you would, I just don't think it's very fair to me. I don't like being treated like I'm someone's mistress.
D: Is this something that you can't get past?
E: If you had asked me this weekend, I would have said definitely not. I was really upset this weekend -
D: I could tell you were upset on Sunday when we talked.
(E thinking: if he knew I was upset... why didn't he ask me about it?)
D: you know, if there was something you wanted to talk to me about, you should have called.
E: I DID.
D: When?
E: Well, I first tried calling you on Saturday night, but your phone was off. So then I called you Sunday morning.
D: Oh. Right.
E: Anyway, after spending time with you, I want to say that I can handle this. That I don't care about the ex, that it's no big deal. I have a really good time when we're out.
D: Me too. But I don't think that you are really ok with it.
E: I'm not. Not even a little bit.... So, I guess that's it then. Huh?
D: Better that we can be so honest about it.
E: Of course, that's what I really like about you, we have open honest conversations. It just sucks that it has to end.
D: Yeah.

So, we talked in circles some more. We decided we were not going to try to be friends, even though we did have a good time together. I was concerned that the physical attraction would still be too prevalent for us to really have a true friendship.

We walked to the trains, I was taking the 6 downtown, and he was taking the 4/5 uptown. My train was there when we got there, so there was no time for a long drawn out goodbye. We said goodbye, and that's it. Back to dating again... uch. Again. That's the second time in 3 months I had settled down to not date anyone else, only for it to end for one reason or another. Disappointing.

All's Fair

I have no news of dates to report. It's been 9 days since my last post, I feel like I'm either losing readership, or just letting the faithful down. D returned from Switzerland yesterday, I have no plans to see him yet. I'm not sure what exactly I'm doing really, everyone keeps asking me how that's going. And I don't really know what to tell them. It's going fine, I guess. I was hoping to gain a little more perspective on what I wanted while he was away, but I didn't. I get the feeling that this isn't going to be a long term thing, but more of a "it's fun while it lasts" type thing. Is that fair, though? Am I even having fun? I'm not sure of the answer to that. When I'm with him yes, definitely having fun. When, I'm not, which is the larger amount of time, I spend more time worrying about it than I'd like. Which is more important? I've long lost the notion that relationships are fair in any sense of the matter, and as far as the old saying goes, All's fair in love and war... mine feel a bit more like war than love, I suppose. It's sad, but true. A whole lot of strategy and planning goes into this, and it never seems quite worth it in the end. I'm taking a break from all the strategizing, planning, and trying to let things just happen as they happen. Only problem? Nothing is happening. As the week progressed between the last time I've seen D, and even the time before that, I've been getting the feeling that he's not all that interested. He could take it or leave it. I've been in that kind of relationship before, and that is not where I'm looking to be again.

Hopefully the end of the weekend will bring something more of note to discuss.

Good Game

D and I met up for dinner last night at Joya. That makes 3 out of 6 dates at Thai restaurants. I think he's avoiding restaurants that would require him to use a fork. Anyway, we met up at Joya, which is a little troublesome for dating because of the noise and how crowded it can get; but he wanted to eat there, so we decided to risk it. It turned out to be a great night to go, it was practically empty, we sat nowhere near the kitchen, so it's much quieter already. Although the bar area can get crowded and loud, last night it didn't. The food was quick and as tasty as it always has been, I was very pleased. We were done with dinner in about an hour though, which made it still relatively early in the evening. We walked up Court St. and stopped outside BookCourt and cover-browsed the books in the window. We got into a good discussion about YA magic fantasy style books, which as a future children's librarian, I have plenty of knowledge. And he thinks we have nothing in common. Pssh.

We went to the bar that is on the corner of my block for a drink, and I introduced him to the world of Maker's and Ginger (a fabulous drink I was introduced to last winter), and I had a glass of red wine, which D was quick to point out that I have only drank wine on all of our dates. Wine is my safe drink, but the only time we had been in bars previously, both were wine bars and I usually order wine with dinner rather than a cocktail, although sometimes a beer. Ok, enough of my drinking history, no? We had drinks, and since it was still early, D came back to my apartment with me. We talked to the roommate for a bit, and she exposed my messy habits, even though my room speaks for itself. I have cleaned it substantially over the past week or so, and for me, it's actually really neat, but um... I think D was kind of surprised that my room had been messier than his in the very recent past, because as it stands right now, he still probably thought it was pretty messy.

So we hung out in my clean/messy bedroom for about 3 hours. (Yes, I'm saying hung out, because this is not THAT kind of blog, and intimate details need not be posted. I'll let all of you use your vivid imaginations.) Around 11 though, he suggested that we play a game of Scrabble. I'm not sure if it's really a good idea to start a game of Scrabble at 11 pm on a work/school night... but I didn't have an hour trip home on the 4/5, he did. And if he was game, so was I! So we played a very competitive (or at least as competitive as I can be - and I'm not all that competitive to begin with - at 11 pm) game. I scored some pretty killer words, starting off with dormant, some triple word scores in there too, a pirate (which he stole with an S), and pasty. Yup, pasty - on a triple word score. Awesome. It was very close in the end but D beat me, 287 to 284. But I'm a gracious loser, and it was a really fun game. The first non-Wii game we've played, so really the first time I've ever posed any sort of real competition. I think I represented fairly well.

He leaves for a business trip for a week on Saturday and I'll be in the Poconos this weekend, so I won't see him before he goes. A whole week without a blog? Maybe I'll find something of note to post about... get myself a new subway stalker, or something.

In my defense...

Last night D and I met up at a friend's bar, where D got to meet one of my best friends. This is a big enough step for me and a significant gesture. This friend did not get to meet the last guy that I dated at length, and insists that I always hide the people I date from my friends. I don't think this is true. All of the guys I have dated at length have, at one time or another, met most of my friends. It's different than having someone meet the family, which I've only had 2 guys meet my parents while I was actually dating them. One of them was my ex who I dated for over 2 years and I lived with him for part of the time, the other...well... I'm not sure why I thought bringing him home would matter. It certainly didn't matter to him. But the latter is the one that 2 of my closest friends in the city did not get to meet, so they are constantly insisting that I hide people when I am dating them. But now neither of them can say anything, one has met D (and currently stands as my only friend who has), and the other was the only person who got to meet T... lot's of good that did!

So I thought the date was going well enough, we had some wine and some food. D got to talk a bit to my friend, and seemed to do just fine with the interactions. We stayed at the bar for about 2 hours, but we were both pretty tired. D made it CLEAR that he did not want to go back to his apartment, and I had noticed he was acting less affectionate than he had on previous dates. I'm a pretty good judge of picking up on subtleties, and I could sense something, though I wasn't sure what, was going to happen before the end of the evening.

We walked down to Rockefeller Center which, for after midnight, was still bustling with tourists and New Year's Eve anticipation. We walked further down to Bryant Park, which was closed... so we sat on the cold marble steps leading up to the park. For it being the 30th of December, and we were able to sit outside for over an hour, I must say the weather is frightening (although we both did get ridiculously cold). Anyway, we had the DTR, but decided to keep things at the status quo. Some points that were brought up lead me to believe that D may not be as far out of his last relationship as he thinks he is or he thinks that I'm expecting this to be more than it is. As a rule for relationships, I've learned not to expect. I don't go into dates wondering if this is going to be the guy I'm going to marry, I am happy with what I have while I have it. No expectations, and if it ends, so be it. I'm not sure really at all what we agreed to really, just that we are going to continue doing things the way that we have been and we're not going to be dating anyone else. His biggest concern was our lack of common interests, which was kind of surprising to me, because we have a lot more common interests than most of the guys I've dated in the past. So I don't know a whole lot about video games and game theory (seriously, I just learned what a Wii was 3 weeks ago...), but that doesn't mean I can't learn. Anyway, nothing was resolved in that area, but I think we're on the same page. We're dating just each other, but keeping things how they have been, which I'm not sure what that means. This was by far the shortest date we've had thus far, clocking in at just under 4 hours. I won't see him for New Year's, which is ok, it's a bit early for that maybe, but I will see him before he goes to Switzerland for the week on business sometime later this week. What this means for the blog though... well as long as he has no complaints, I'll continue what I've been doing (he does read this, so it's not a big secret), and we'll just keep it casual.

Assembly Required

So after 4 dates, I usually don't post in depth about the dates because it risks too much exposure about the dates that could be leading into something more serious.

But my 4th date with D was on Tuesday night this week, right after I got back to the city from having been at my parent's house for the weekend. I told him that I would go there, since he came to Brooklyn last time. We met up on UES and walked to a pseudo-trendy Thai restaurant, which he maybe thought I was going to complain about how far the walk was because he kept saying that it was kind of far... this is probably due to the shoe incident, where I complained about walking from 86th to 93rd street, but that was ONLY because my feet hurt. This was one avenue over and 9 blocks down, not very far at all, and I wouldn't have complained anyway.

During dinner, things were fine for the most part until we started talking about performance reviews at jobs. He mentioned his would be coming up within the next few months, and I made some sort of comment of how teachers are reviewed based on observations, and I think it's unfair to judge an entire year of teaching based on one lesson that the principal came in and watched. D made some sort of statement, which I'm not sure exactly still how he meant it, but he definitely said that students' improvements through standardized tests should be the basis of how well teachers teach. Oh. Well. I LOST it, I mean, I feel bad for the people sitting at the table next to us, because I was practically screaming at him, and I think I compared D at one point to George Bush, and I was angry. Like ready to walk back to the subway and chalk this up to another failed series of dates. Besides the actual disagreement that took place, I also discovered that I don't really like D's arguing style. I argue a lot, especially with the person that I'm dating, so if I'm not argumentative-compatible with someone, that's a serious factor. My biggest problem was that he would constantly interrupt me. I am a fair fighter, and I let people finish what they are saying when they are trying to make a point. D would interject over me, constantly, even when I would say "let me finish what I'm saying," he would still talk over me. Despite the fact that is just completely rude, it also makes it seem like he doesn't validate anything that I'm saying, and just wants his point to be heard. That just intensified the anger. So maybe 20 minutes later, we resolved the argument, and headed out of the restaurant. I want to clarify that the argument is not what I had a problem with, yes, I clearly disagreed with what he said, but I welcome all types of arguments and disagreements. It makes the relationship more interesting. My biggest problem was HOW he argued. If this is going to work, we're going to need to work out some sort of system to argue better.

We went back to his apartment, at which point I brought up yet another concern I had been having regarding D. The truth is, he only owns 2 pairs of shoes, work shoes and sneakers. That's fine. I don't expect a guy to own multiple pairs of color coordinated shoes to match every outfit, but the few pairs he does have should at least, well, at be decent? His work shoes are fine, I don't have any complaints about those. They are black work shoes, I do think he should probably own a pair of brown shoes to wear with brown... but that's the only issue I have with those. The sneakers, now these are a completely different story all together. All black Reebok sneakers, seen here. At first I thought I was overreacting, they are just shoes, right? So I told a couple of my friends, just to see what their reactions were. My one friend, who is male and completely straight, told me that ANYONE that I meet that wears those shoes should be immediately taken to the nearest shoe store to remedy the problem. This was the general reaction of most of my friends, and that if he doesn't know any better, then it's completely up to me to teach him so. I'm not sure how flexible D is with his shoes, but I definitely voiced my opinion on his shoes and did not hold back.

The rest of the date progressed normally, we watched a few episodes of Coupling (which he owns all 4 seasons of, a definite plus!), we made out, it was getting late. There was no mention on his part as to me leaving, and I didn't make any mention of what time I had to be home. It came up at one point, and we decided that I would spend the night. I slept over, not well I might add. Although, I think it takes practice and getting used to sharing a bed with someone. And then there is the morning, which makes everything seem different. I usually start to doubt things in the morning when I've stayed somewhere that I hadn't been planning. Mornings are bright and clear, things that seemed a good idea in the evening, seem less of a good idea in daylight. But the morning wasn't bad, partly because I had a toothbrush in my bag. We stayed in bed for a while, and eventually got up. D has a professional-style espresso maker, and he makes a damn good latte. It was a nice way to start the morning, especially without having to go out. So we had some lattes, and then we played on the Wii. We went through all the sports on Wii Sports except for Boxing. Bowling is still my favorite, but I got considerably better at tennis, and golf was a lot more fun than I expected it to be too. I sucked at baseball.. we'll leave it at that.

At some point during the morning, I had noticed an Ikea bookshelf, still in it's box, blocking the hallway. I mentioned that I am pretty capable at putting together Ikea furniture, since ALL my furniture seems to have come from there and I have put it all together on my own. So I offered at some point to help him put his shelf together. We decided to go out and get some bagels first, good choice, the bookshelf was a LONG process. Much longer than I expected. I forgot why I usually put together my furniture by myself... it's because putting it together with someone else is STRESSFUL. It's not a fun experience to begin with, and at one point, where something wasn't working the way it should, I definitely looked at him and said, "I don't know that I know you well enough to be doing this with you..." But after all was said and done, it came together pretty well and then it was long past time that I went home. From 6:30 the night before to 4:30 yesterday, 22 hours is plenty of time for a fourth date. So where to from here? I don't know, there has still been no DTR (defining the relationship), there are still the compatibility issues that I am questioning... the shoes (not really), the ex... they are all factors.

The Ex-Factor

Not a dating story. An ex-dating story.

I have been in little contact with my most serious ex over the past two years since we've broken up. Not because I think he's a bad person (although we did not end our relationship on very good terms) or because I wish him any sort of ill will, I just think some doors are better left shut. I don't mind having the occasional IM conversation with him, but besides the one time I saw him when I stopped by his apartment over the summer to pick up some of my stuff, I haven't seen him since the day we decided our relationship wasn't going to go any further than it had. True there were a lot of hurt feelings in there, and I didn't WANT to see him for quite a while. This summer was really nerve wracking, I remember, the first time I was going to see him in almost 2 years.

That night was weird for me. It was definitely hard going back to the apartment I had lived in for over a year. It was hard seeing everything that was different, and even harder to see what was the same. It was almost like stepping into a time machine, and transporting myself back 2 years. He hasn't changed much at all. I think he's actually more like he was than it should be humanly possible. We hung out briefly that night, it was mostly me moving about 4 boxes of stuff I still had there (How could I have so much stuff in one small apartment?) and us awkwardly catching up on small talk (family, friends, etc.). Since then, we had a few IM conversations, all of which result in him telling me that he really wants to hang out with me and catch up.

One Friday evening, I got a text message from him, asking me how far from Sheepshead Bay I was... I replied that I had no idea, why? He mentioned that he was going to be there that Sunday, and wanted to come by and see my apartment. Now... I don't mind hanging out with him in neutral territory, but I honestly don't see any reason to introduce him into a completely new area of my life. Thankfully, I was going to be in Connecticut that day anyway, so it was not an issue. Maybe a few weeks later (it was Thanksgiving weekend, if I remember correctly), he IMed me and asked me if I was going home for the holiday. I was, of course, and told him so. He asked me when I was going to be coming back to the city, to which I replied, depending on traffic either Saturday night or Sunday early. He said, well if you come back on Saturday, you can stop by my apartment and I'll take you to dinner. I said something along the lines of "we'll see" and never mentioned it again. The few times we chatted online since then, he's been pretty adamant about us getting together. I told him that I would be home over Christmas and if he wanted to get together, he could drive down here. I had no idea that he actually would.

Today, he asked me what I was doing and truth be told, I wasn't doing much of anything. He mentioned that he had to go to his grandparents' house but then wanted to know if I wanted to get together tonight. I had nothing better to do, so sure... why not. Might be interesting to sit down and catch up, and in my mind there was no chance of anything happening, I thought he understood that too.

Around 7:30 he texted me that a certain movie he wanted to see was playing, and asked if I wanted to meet him at his apartment. I replied that the point was that he was going to come down here, see the dog (we had a dog when we were living together, who now - although he is my dog - lives with my parents.), and we'd catch up. He asked me if I wanted to see a movie down here then... Exasperated, I responded that I hadn't realized that a movie had ever been part of the plan, and I really wasn't in the mood to actually go out somewhere tonight. He was definitely nervous about coming to my parents' house, because he's nervous about seeing my parents. Understandable. If I ever left someone else's stuff outside my apartment like trash and changed the locks on them (after parting originally on amicable terms), I'd be pretty nervous to see their parents too. I assured him that my parents were at a friend's house for Christmas Eve dinner, and not to worry, they weren't mad at him anyway. (Tis true... after telling my parents what happened with my stuff, my dad's first question to me was "well, what did YOU do?" nice, huh?) I think my parents would have liked to see him, although they thought it was strange that he was coming over. But they would not have been mean to him, they just aren't like that. Regardless, they weren't home. So after he texts me that he's on his way, he sends me another text. And this was the one that made me regret ever inviting him over here in the first place, he says "by the way, would it be bad to kiss you?" I read that, and my first thought was YES! But i didn't want to be mean, so I just kindly wrote back that it would be best if we didn't go down that road. Seriously, if I had known he was really going to try something, then I don't think I would have invited him. Feeling guilty, especially after having the whole conversation with D about his ex on Thursday, I was feeling a bit hypocritical. I was talking to D on IM at the time, so I just told him that my ex was coming over... I don't know if that was too much information, and I'm getting the feeling that sometimes I "over share" with D. He didn't need to know what I was doing tonight, and since nothing was going to happen, I shouldn't tell him. But I felt guilty, and like a hypocrite... So I told him. and his response was more or less along the lines of "So?" Yeah, there I was feeling rather foolish, and quite embarrassed for even bringing it up, and not knowing how to continue the conversation from there. I shouldn't have said anything; we haven't had any defining conversations. For all I know, he's dating other girls and I'm allowed to date/spend time with whomever I choose without him knowing about it. I hate that I only really talk to him over IM or texts in between dates, because I can't really gauge how he's feeling/reacting to something... grr. Internet dating.

My ex was here for about 2 and half hours, and we just sat around and talked. I made dinner for myself (offered him some, but he didn't want anything - he's all religious now, keeps kosher and everything.) and even though it probably was Kosher (Vegetarian Pad Thai from Trader Joe's), he wasn't having any of it. So I ate, and we talked. It was kind of like our IM conversations, but in person. We talked about very surface level things, his family, my family, the dogs, my job, his job, showed him pictures from my sister's wedding (which he was at, but we broke up before the pictures came in). All were very safe topics. And then he had to go. He gave me a hug goodbye, and did not try to kiss me.

It's really a relieving feeling when you can spend so much time with someone that you used to have much deeper feelings for, only to be reassured as to why things would have never worked out in the end. My ex is a good person, and I will always be interested and care about how he is doing, but I can safely say that I do not think we will have a friendship that is anything more than a casual acquaintance.

What Cool Looks Like.

Ok, so in further consideration on names, I think D should be referred to as the Wii guy instead (but he won't, because D just is easier), since apparently, that's what everyone seems to notice (or think is cool). Not only am I out of the loop of video games, I am just out of the loop on what cool looks like in general.

One thing I do know, is what cool does NOT look like. It has everything to do with a fork...

Last night we met up at the tea lounge where D had spent some of the afternoon, just hanging out and reading (lucky bastard was off this whole week and next). I was exhausted and had a rather bad day at school that day, resulting in 5 of my students getting in-school suspension, which actually made for a fantastic last day of school before break. Anyway, I was kind of cranky and rather tired, which doesn't make for good dating. Especially after 2 really good dates previously. I had made a few suggestions for dinner, but D is apparently a much pickier eater than I had realized, and vetoed the first place we went. So on top my already bad day, the thought of having to walk around and find some place for this picky eater to eat, did not really thrill my senses. I am not very good at masking my displeasure when it comes to things like this, and he could definitely tell I was not in a good mood. So we ended up going to a very casual cafe style place not far from my apartment. D got the mac-n-cheese, a good choice in anyone's book. However, when it came time to eat said mac-n-cheese... I noticed something was a little off... Now, I'm not an etiquette snob, and I'm most certainly not a stickler for rules... but he just was holding his fork completely wrong! I laughed because on our first date, he was telling me about a conversation he had with his parents recently about how he held his fork incorrectly. I have to say I'd agree. He doesn't see anything wrong with how he holds his fork, function over form, he says. I checked with Emily Post on this one...

"As soon, therefore, as his hand is dexterous enough, the child must be taught to hold his fork, no longer gripped baby-fashion in his fist, but much as a pencil is held in writing; only the fingers are placed nearer the “top” than the “point,” the thumb and two first fingers are closed around the handle two-thirds of the way up the shank, and the food is taken up shovel-wise on the turned-up prongs. " Emily Post's The Kindergarten of Etiquette. (http://www.bartleby.com/95/35.html)

Not a big deal at all really, but it was a point of discussion for a good portion of dinner. I felt much better after eating and chatting some more. My mood had definitely improved over the course of dinner. The insecurities I had talked about in the previous post came up once over dinner, but I was steadfast with my conviction that I was not going to talk about it. He seemed to respect that, but I could tell that he was trying very hard to figure out what it was. We left the restaurant and noticed a fairly new store that has opened on Smith St. (no surprise there, new things pop up left and right in my neighborhood, and I don't notice unless it's on a direct path with something I see frequently enough.) We went into the store and browsed for a while. It was fun, and it's also interesting to see someone else's shopping persona. I am not a big fan of shopping with other people, I do my best shopping (and by best I mean spend the most time and money...) by myself. I don't usually like shopping with people, especially guys, I find they tend to get impatient and whiny really quickly, and it's not worth the hassle. But when you are dating someone, it happens, and it's good to know a person's shopping style early on I guess. D was a good shopper, didn't complain, actually seemed pretty interested in the stuff in the store (it did have a lot of cool things, so maybe it's not a good test sample. Maybe the Atlantic Terminal during holiday madness would be a better test.) But for a preliminary run, he did just fine.

After the store, I wasn't sure which way the date was going to go. We had talked about keeping it short. I had a lot to do last night for today at school, but since the date started off on slightly rocky footing, I invited him to come back to my apartment. He was a great help putting together the presents I gave to my kids (bags of pens, pencils, candy). He calculated exactly how many of each type of candy the students should get, and it was done much quicker than had I done it all on my own.

We then got to talking some more, and of course my insecurities came up again. I was really unsure if I wanted to tell him what was really bothering me, because it didn't seem like something that should be talked about on a third date. It involves an ex (his) whom I have met (not through him), and who is not completely over him, and they are still friends. It makes me feel insecure (even though he assures me that he is completely done with that and she knows that), which makes me feel a little better, but it's still there in the back of my head. I can empathize with the ex completely also... I've been that girl before. I know what it's like. But we talked, and I think we were both pretty open about it, which is a nice change. I like knowing exactly where I stand, and while I may not know EXACTLY where I stand... he does, and I think I have a pretty good idea.

So after talking and making out on the couch for a little while, it some how became past midnight. He had a long train ride ahead of him, and I had to be up extra early this morning. I am going home to my parents' house for the holiday weekend so we made plans to see each other over the following week since we are both available. Overall, the date progressed nicely, despite my cranky behavior in the beginning.

So, a break for the holidays, but there will be more to follow.

The Longer.

So as promised earlier today...

the "more" of the date from yesterday.

Here's the nitty gritty...

We had originally planned a Thursday night 2nd date, but after a series of texts on Sunday, the guy (ok... time for a "blog name..." from here on out let's call him D, so original, I know), so D texted me and asked me if I was free Monday night instead. I was, and it actually works better for me because Monday I get out before 4, Thursday not until 5:30... so I could easily get into the city at a reasonable hour on Monday. I opted for a pair of heels, not my best dating choice... Let's just say my walking ability was hindered slightly.

So the getting to the date part actually was a nightmare. The C train was blocked at Ralph Ave. and we were told that the entire A/C was not running in Brooklyn. Not true, it was just the Ralph Ave. stop. Anyway, after a long wait for crowded buses, my co-worker drove me and some of my other co-workers to the J train, where we took that into Manhattan and transferred to the F train, about an hour long ordeal. So much for getting into the city early. So after a long ride on the J and the F, standing the whole time in uncomfortable shoes on the F... I made it to Bryant Park. Immediately my mood was lifted. It's the holidays and the city is bustling with holiday markets, trees, lights, it's beautiful, if not a bit cheesey/overkill. But it still made me smile.

So, D and I met up in the holiday market at the large tree in the middle. It was nice and easy, and comfortable again right away. We decided to head up to the UES for dinner. I know that choosing this restaurant put me indefinitely closer to his apartment, and well... potentially physical situations. I chose it anyway, why not? He was in my apartment on Saturday. Seems fair. After walking to the train, standing on the train up to 86th street, and then having to walk up to 93rd (I was told it was only 91st!!), my feet felt like they were being put through a meat grinder. And I felt so bad, but my feet HURT. I was complaining the entire way, I'm sure he thought that was awesome. So the entire walk there was really revolving around how much my feet hurt and me apologizing for complaining so much. If we did talk about anything else, the memory of the pain has blocked that out. We reach the restaurant, sit, and ahhh.. I can think again.

We had a nice dinner, with some decent wine and conversation. Then the topic came up of what we were going to do after dinner. There were two options basically on the table... back to his apartment.. or home. I chose his apartment. A) it was closer B) it was early C) I wanted to go to his apartment D) all of the above. He was gracious enough to suggest that we take the crosstown bus back to his place, and not struggle with me walking from Lex to York. Yikes. I'm not usually opposed to walking, and it was a great night... but my feet.

Back at his place, we stopped to pick up some gum/tic tacs (dinner was onion-y) and then up to his apartment. I have been in a few guys apartments since moving to the city, but if I had to draw in my mind a "typical guys" apartment, it would probably look much like this. And maybe I've found someone who can truly rival me in messiness? That could be dangerous!

We made out for a while, and it was nice, and before I knew it, it got pretty late. So, instead of leaving, he decided to show me his Wii (pronounced "we" sounds dirty... it's not! It's a Nintendo, go figure.), and I'm not really knowledgeable on the video games (clearly, I didn't know what a Wii was!), being that I can't remember the last time I played one... well until last night. So he wanted me to try out the Wii controller, and they have a bowling game on there, so of course, I'm sold! I love bowling more than anything else. I was really nervous at first about playing. I'm not sure why. Maybe I thought he'd think less of me if I wasn't good at video games? I don't know, but I was suddenly very nervous and self conscious. Not a feeling I deal well with, especially after feeling so comfortable with someone. Eventually I loosened up, and managed a good game in bowling, and then we tested out the tennis game... which I absolutely sucked at. But I did get a *little* (and by little, I mean not much really at all) bit better after a few rounds. It's a tricky thing... the Wii. I might need some more practice.

After the games, it was definitely late, and I had a bus and two trains to catch to get home. And after a 6 hour date, following a 9.5 hour date, it's been marathon dating. D walked me to the bus, and waited there with me in the cold (so nice!) until the bus came. Even after all that time we had just spent together, I was surprised that I was just a teensy bit sad that I had to go - it may have been the dread of the trip ahead of me as well. Surprisingly it took me less time than I imagined it would to get home, a little over an hour, but coming from the UES around midnight... it wasn't so bad. So, I got home around 1, and passed out.

I've been contemplating why I got self-conscious and nervous when we played the video games, and I've finally put my finger on it... I'm going to let it percolate over the next few days. We have a third date on Thursday, and I'm really looking forward to it. I just hope I don't let my insecurities get in the way before then.

Short and Sweet.

2nd date with guy from the weekend last night.

More to come...

Briefly: I wore bad shoes and my feet hurt all night, we went to dinner, there was some making out at his place. A scheduled 3rd date. I got home way too late and I'm really tired today.

Comfortable

I'm not sure that I want to blog about good dates anymore. After all that happened with T, I feel really cautious about trusting someone else's signals... even though they seem crystal clear.

So today, I had a date. I broke a rule that I usually follow with dates with this one. I talked to him A LOT before we met. After talking to him, via IM, phone, or email every day since Monday, I was wondering if we would have anything to talk about. So the date... It started at 3pm. We met at the fountain by Borough Hall and walked down Montague street to the Promenade. It was a beautifully clear, warm December afternoon. Amazing weather. So we walked along the Promenade which has great views of the Brooklyn Bridge and lower Manhattan. From there we continued along through Brooklyn Heights down into Dumbo. (Some of you may be thinking... this walk sounds VERY familiar! I do take many people on this very walk.) We stopped at Jacques Torres for some very wicked hot chocolate. The wicked hot chocolate is spiced with chili peppers, and it's quite good. It's well worth a walk. Things were ok at this point. We were talking, making early on-awkward conversation. It helped that he had never been to that area before, even though he used to work right there! It's always nice to have a new audience to show the pretty things and expose to the best hot chocolate in the world. We walked over to Empire Fulton Ferry State Park, which is a small park that is tucked away between the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges. It's right on the water, and it's a really nice, quiet place to sit, talk, and enjoy the hot chocolate. We sat for a little while, then walked back into downtown Brooklyn Heights. About an hour had passed by this point, and I wasn't really sure if he was interested, or if I was. If he had said at that point that he had to go home, I wouldn't have been surprised, but he didn't. We continued walking all the way down Court Street, and decided to go to the Tea Lounge to sit and warm up for a bit. We sat at the Tea Lounge and talked for at least 3 hours. Things at that point started to get a lot more comfortable, and we both opened up a lot more.

We stayed at the Tea Lounge until 8pm or so, when we moved the date over to my neighborhood Thai restaurant (yes, my dating one!) where we were the only ones in the place (We passed Joya, and it was WAY too crowded and loud). The food was good, and the conversation continued well through dinner. After dinner, it was around 9:30, and I don't think either of us wanted the date to end. He suggested that we go get a drink, so we walked around and went to a local neighborhood bar, not far from my apartment. We drank wine and talked, and at some point we started not holding hands exactly, but definitely finger-playing and hands on top of hands. There was a lot of hand touching... I don't really know how to explain it. It was very comfortable though, it felt really natural. I mean I guess after 6 hours with someone, it might feel natural with anyone. But I don't know it felt easy. We left the bar around 11:30, and I made a comment that if we spent a half hour more together, our date would be 2 days long. So he said, let's spend the half hour then... We couldn't figure out anything to do for the last half hour, so he decided he'd just walk me back to my apartment and we'd call it a night, 8 and a half hours was plenty long for a first date. (Although we did discuss that probably around the 4th hour or so, it became a second date)

He walked me to my apartment, and kissed me goodnight. We stood outside my gate kissing for quite a while, when finally I asked him to come upstairs. We kissed for a little bit on the couch. We definitely made it past the midnight mark. Around 12:10 I heard my roommate coming up the stairs, and I panicked slightly. I grabbed his coat, and told him it was probably time he got going. I did a quick introduction to the roommate, and practically dragged him out of the apartment. It wasn't that I minded him being there, I just felt a little strange with my roommate coming home, and it was still our first date and all... So we kissed by the door some more, and he made certain that I knew he was interested in seeing me again. So about 9 and a half hours after the date began, it ended.

He texted me not 10 minutes later, asking me for a "third" date. :) I'm happy. Actually, slightly giddy right now. I know I should be cautious, I should guard my heart and not get these damn expectations up.... but it's just hard not to. I felt really comfortable with him and I'm not really sure why, but I'm pretty sure he feels similarly to me.

The Salute

Tonight was my first date in over a month. This has been the longest span I've gone without a date in over a year... possibly longer. And I'm not sure how I feel about the date in general. He was nice, yes. Cute, in my type of way. Intelligent, but not arrogant about it. He's a tallish, lanky, bespectacled computer programmer (I do seem to have a type - no?) from the midwest. I think on paper it went well and we had 3 hours of really good conversation - but there may not be the level of attraction that is necessary to advance this any further. Here's how it all played out...

We met up at a bar that was a few blocks from my apartment, and I felt really well prepared for this date. We had many lengthy email exchanges prior to the date, which sometimes sets the stage for disaster. I had done my research on him (of course!) prior to the date, and found through myspace that we actually have a mutual friend. I decided not to reveal my stalker tendencies to him before we met though. We had arranged to meet at the bar around 7:45ish, and I wanted to be there early, so leaving my apartment at 7:38 allowed me this. I walk in and I see a guy sitting at the bar. He had brown hair, glasses, and even though he didn't really look like the guy I was supposed to be meeting, some people don't photograph consistently. So I kind of smiled at the guy who was sitting at the bar, ordered my drink, and waited to see if the guy at the bar would come over and introduce himself. Ahh, he did not. And when he spoke to the bartender I heard he had a very thick European accent, definitely not the midwestern boy I was supposed to be meeting. No sooner do I realize this does my real date show up, looking just like his pictures, well as much as one does look like their photographs online.

We shook hands, and sat at the bar. It wasn't an awkward initial "do I go for the hug/handshake?" question like I had on my first date with T, this guy is just a handshake type guy. So we talked for hours about a lot of different things... my job, the sad state of education in the New York City public schools, books, hometowns, Brooklyn. Really, it was good, natural conversation. Not really first date kind of conversation, but kind of complete strangers who are trying hard not to appear to be strangers conversation... that's the best description I can find.

So around 10:30, he needs to go home, and has a decently long train ride ahead of him (which involves 2 trains, one of them being the G... if you know anything about the G, an off hour train ride can be an unpleasant experience). So, we call it a night, and then my question of how is this going to end starts creeping into my mind... Hug? Handshake? Well.. he had it all figured out. He raised two fingers to his head, and saluted... oh yes. Saluted me goodnight. Wow. I don't know how that plays out in my mind, but I think that's the only thing that would really deter me from seeing this person again. Not that I'm under the impression AT ALL that a salute implies that this guy has any interest in seeing me again. When my roommate asked me when I got home how it went, my best reply was... well, I wouldn't be OPPOSED to seeing him again, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if I didn't.

It's a crying shame.

I hope this will be my last school related post, although I haven't been dating lately, so at least it gives me something to write about.

Before today, I could never imagine having a day like today. It was bad on a scale so unbelievably terrible... I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I've spent most of the day crying or trying not to cry in front of my students. And the best part? It had absolutely nothing to do with my kids.

This morning I got to school early because I had parent conferences with 4 of my students' parents because they've been causing an exceptional amount of problems, and I don't know what to do about it. The meeting was pushed back to 9 pm to accommodate more of the parents' schedules, but no one lets me know that of course. So I arrive in time for an 8 am meeting, find out it's been moved, and go to my room to get some work done. My principal comes up to my room at 8:25, a mere 10 minutes before I need to go pick up my kids. She says she needs to talk to me, and comes into my room. She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't hold teachers hostage at the school and I am more than welcome to leave. What?? Where did that come from? She then goes on to say that I'm just about the worst teacher on staff, and she doesn't understand why I can't do anything that I'm asked to do. At this point, I'm visibly upset, but still trying to hold back my tears because I know I have to go pick up my kids. We had a principals meeting with all the principals from the region and the local and regional superintendents at our school on Wednesday. My principal had been on our backs for about a week straight to get our rooms cleaned, current work up on the bulletins boards, and creating a visible learning environment. I have no problem doing this. I worked my ASS off to get my room ready. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not organized and quite possibly the messiest person that exists. My classroom mirrors that pretty well. She goes on to say that she asked me to do 3 things in my room before Wednesday and I had done none of them. Then, she goes on to tell me that a lot of my students' parents made complaints about me, and that she knows I just hate it here, and why am I still here. At that point I lost it, and really started crying because I HAD done exactly what she asked, I love my students, and I've never gotten anything but positive feedback. In fact when she first told me that a parent had made a complaint about me, I asked her who it was and she told me. I called that parent that night, not to ask specifically about the complaint, but just to see if she had any concerns. The mother told me that she was so glad her son was in my class, and she was so happy I was his teacher, and I was going to be able to do so much for him this year. I told my principal what the mother had said this morning, and her first reaction was, you called her? (which makes me think it was a lie) To which I responded, of course I called her. If she has a problem with something I'm doing, I'd much rather work that out than have issues all year. My principal then said, Well... you know, parents are two-faced. I was floored, and really really upset. I work really hard for my kids, I do a lot of things that a lot of other teachers wouldn't even think to do for their classrooms, and nothing I do is even noticed, let alone appreciated. So after she spent a good half an hour telling me that I'm doing a bad job, everyone thinks so... she said I could either figure out why I can't seem to do anything that I'm told and what can be done to change that, or leave. I'm seriously considering the latter. The best part was when she told me that she was going to tell me last night at 5:30 after I was done teaching test preparation, but she didn't want to ruin my evening and have me upset. So she'd rather ruin my entire day, and have me upset and on the verge of tears ALL day.

I went to go pick up my class, and bumped into the computer teacher. She could tell I had been crying and pulled me into her room to talk. As soon as she asked me, what's wrong? I lost it. I always do. Without a doubt, I can pull myself together and act cool and calm, so long as I don't have to talk about what is really bothering me. So I start crying again, and have to leave just to pull myself together. I finally get to my class, the math coach was watching them (making them walk up and down the hallway) until I got there. And I'm sure they could all tell I had been crying, but only one of them was stupid enough to say something. For the most part, my class was pretty good today, which of course made me even more upset. I then spent most of my morning in the rescheduled parent conference, wondering of course, if these parents were any of the ones that had complained. Usually it is the parents of the worst kids that have the most complaints. Their children aren't succeeding and they need someone or something to blame. Of course it CAN'T be their child's fault. Never.

By the end of the day, I had cried at least 4 or 5 more times. The rest of the staff that I talked to was shocked when I told them, and one teacher who's been there for 6 years told me that this is just the principal's style. She doesn't like teachers who stand up for themselves, so she feels the need to "break" them. I've never been a pushover, and when I really and truly believe in something, I have a hard time just backing down and agreeing to do something I don't think is right or, in this case, best for my students.

I am going to speak with my principal tomorrow. I have formulated what I am going to say to try to explain to her why I "can't seem to do anything that is asked of me" and I'm also going to talk to my Union rep too. I feel attacked, and I don't like being treated like I'm not doing my job when I most certainly am.

If anyone knows of any job openings at other schools in New York or New Jersey, pass them my way!

Something New

I don't usually write about things at my job, because this isn't a job blog. It's a dating blog, and there is absolutely no one of interest for me to date at school... But, just a quick story that really made my day and reminds me why I love working with kids (sometimes).

I've not been at my best the past week or so, and when you work with 18 very hormonal 5th graders, they tend to bring out all the nastiest things in you. I've had 2 very bad days with my students, yesterday and today. Yesterday I was at the point of almost just cashing it all in, subletting my apartment and high-tailing it back to Jersey. But I'm not a quitter. and I'm not going to let these 5th grade brats get the best of me either. I made it through last year which was just one torturous day after another, and left more days crying than not. I haven't cried once this year, so why does it seem so bad? I think because my class seemed so good at first, and now they have hit some sort of rebellious phase and want to fight me on every issue from pencils to their seats. Very trivial issues, but they treat them each with life changing urgency and as if I'm doing them utter injustice.

I teach an after school test preparation program that runs from 3:37 through 5:30, and after 7 hours of children sucking every ounce of energy out of you, it's the most dreaded part of my day. Especially the cafeteria duty. Because the kids stay until 5:30, we take them down from 3:37 until 4 or so and the school feeds them another meal. It's chaotic and poorly run, and we're supposed to police our students at all times. Plain and simple, it sucks.

Today I was dealing with two of my most problematic boys, and the fact that they should have been kicked out of test prep about a week or so ago when they started causing problems to the point where no one in my class gets any work done. I was going to talk to the Assistant Principal when I ran into one of my students from last year. She was one of my favorite students, and I had really missed her since school had started this year. I see some of my students who live nearby and come to pick up younger siblings. Seeing her definitely lifted my mood, and I chatted with her and her father for a little while. At one point, she turned to her father and said, "doesn't she look so beautiful?" and that one comment totally made my day. First of all, I did not look beautiful by anyone's standards. I was wearing my cords, a v-neck sweater with some t's layered underneath, my hair was a mess, glasses, and no make up. But it reminded me that to children, that kind of thing doesn't really matter. You can look and feel terrible, but they have this ability to put you up on a pedestal and see the best in you. I believe that most of my students, whether they admit it (or show it) or not, look up to me as some sort of role model. I am an important figure in their lives, I could probably do a lot more good for them if I gave them more of a chance. So with this happy outlook, I decided to give my problem boys one more chance, really trying to believe that they could do it.

I was wrong, and one was kicked out by the end the day today, and one has one more chance. But it was a nice thought for about half an hour.

Giving Thanks

Sometimes all you need is a little perspective for everything to put back into order. Coming home to my parents house always grounds me a little bit, and re-instills the values in which I am ultimately seeking. The holidays at first make me feel sad, spending them alone. At Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house, I was the only cousin there who is single, and even though not all of the significant others were there, I couldn't help but feel the pressure of that. I felt more so than ever that I need to find someone, even if it's just so I don't have to spend holidays alone. It wasn't my best night, but it did bring about some perspective. I have come to realize that never in my life have I spent a holiday alone. I am so lucky to have a close family, and wonderful parents and siblings. My family has never pressured me with questions like, Why aren't you in a relationship, When are you going to get married? etc. I have friends whose relations do in fact pressure them to be in a relationship, and I can't imagine how awful it must feel. I think I am the worst perpetrator of those pressures in myself. I set time lines as to when I should be meeting people, and how my life should be going. But, I really should take more of my own family's standpoint of: it will happen in time, there's no rush.

So over this holiday season I am going to be thankful for the love and support I have in my life, for my family and amazing friends. I am going to try my hardest not to project where and when I think things should be in my life. I have been talking to 2 new guys though. Both of whom I think have some really good potential (there I go again - projecting!), but it's just been email exchanges at this point. Both of them have extremely different, yet appealing characteristics thus far. Although I should know by now that email exchanges and in person exchanges are two very different interactions.