Sub-Zero

There is a lot I should be doing rather than writing this... reading, writing, sleeping.

I've taken to going out during the week and it's cutting into my work schedule tremendously. I leave school early and nothing gets done in my classroom. I am out late, so nothing gets done for grad school. It's hectic trying to balance a full time job, grad school, and dating. The problem I have right now is that there are multiple guys that want to see me, and I am interested in seeing most of them (doesn't sound like much of a problem, I know), so I don't want to not schedule dates, but where are my priorities.

Tonight I met up with the college kid, who we can call mini-D from now on - because he really is. This was technically our second date, but I'm not thinking of him as a potential datee anymore, and more of a friend. So we had plans to see a movie tonight, and I really didn't want him to pay for me. It made me uncomfortable and makes me think that maybe he's going to expect something that he's not getting. So he takes out his credit card to pay for the tickets, and I practically throw my money at him, forcing him to take my $8. I want the expectations to be clear from the start. At one point during the movie, he did make a move to put his hand on my shoulder but I was displaying very closed body language, and he backed off pretty quick. The movie was great though, a definite upside to my week.

After the movie he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner at an Italian restaurant right by the Brooklyn Bridge. I agreed, but it was FREEZING out and was very cold, and slightly regretful for having agreed to it in the first place. The temperature was definitely sub-zero, and that matched pretty well how I was feeling towards mini-D and his awkwardness. But the dinner was nice, and I spent the a good chunk of dinner talking about how much work I had to do for grad school this week, and how I was so far behind. I tried talking library school with him, but he was the type of person who compares too much. Now Pratt's program and Rutgers program are completely different, and I really hate people who try to "one up" everything you say. He kept trying to compare our programs even though they are vastly different, and it irked me. He did ask me if I wanted to continue "seeing" him. I told him that I thought it would be best to be friends, since we're at very different places in life. He seemed ok with this answer, but I get the feeling he may persist in trying to romance me. He did insist on paying for dinner, and told me the chivalry wasn't dead. I tried to pay, in fact I almost threw a 20 at him, but he insisted.

He also insisted in walking me all the way back to Bergen St, we were down by the Brooklyn Bridge so it was a good 25 minute walk back to my place. I was going to walk it, because I saw no point in wasting time waiting for the train. It was really cold though, and I almost thought about taking a cab (since I didn't have to pay for dinner after all!), but when I told him I was going to walk, he also insisted on walking me home.

Overall, it was nice, and I can see myself being friends with him. A few things though that sent up some MAJOR red flags during dinner that mini-D felt the need to express to me made me uncomfortable. First, he wanted to tell me that he has a mild form of autism. Asperger's Syndrome is something I am well aware of, and secretly like to diagnose old bosses and exes with it. I studied autism in grad school for my educational degree and in undergrad for psych, so while I'm no where near an expert, I can talk a blue streak about it. I engaged him in a conversation about it for a while, and now I can see where D was coming from when he was trying to convince me in B&N on our last date that he definitely has Asperger's. I was hesitant to believe that, and D is a lot less socially awkward than mini-D is, but I think that's in combination with another thing mini-D revealed to me over dinner. He has Tourettes Syndrome as well. And while he assures me it is well medicated and under control (I may have noticed a few nervous tics, but there was no outbursts of any sort), it does make me a little uncomfortable. So that compounded with the autism, makes him a socially awkward guy. He warmed up to me a lot during dinner, and it was less weird. But there was a strange hug at the end of the date, where I felt like he might have liked to try and kiss me. The good thing about dating someone who is socially awkward is that you can predict most of their moves, and counter them before they even take place. Hopefully he doesn't plan a sneak attack.

There are 3 more guys in the works, I have a date with an Israeli (I know.. I know.. I usually avoid the Israelis...) on Friday, and a third date with the acupuncturist on Sunday... and two guys that are early in the planning stages. One is a musician from Queens, and the other is guy who has a Wii (now that I'm hooked on it - it's a selling factor!) ... and I'm just overwhelmed.

Child's Play

Last night I met up for coffee with the college kid. Now... I must preface that he is in graduate school, and to be a librarian nonetheless, so I was really hoping that the age difference wouldn't be a big deal.

We met up at the Clinton-Washington subway stop off the G at 5 last night. The G train, being what it is, left me at the subway stop waiting... and I was about 10 minutes late. He was waiting inside the subway station, right past the turnstile. We walked to the Pratt campus and to the small cafe where he bought me a chai latte with his meal plan. He was pretty much exactly what I expected him to be like personality/lookswise, and to be fair, of the 3 guys that I went out with this past week - I found him to be the most physically attractive. He does remind me a good deal of D. Looks and personality-wise, although he is slightly more awkward in conversation than D. He plays a lot of video games, reads a lot of fantasy books, even kind of looks like D. I wonder if this is what D would have been like 3 years ago? Interesting thought. Anyway, we talked for a while, and during the conversations, it became apparent, that nice as he is, he's just too young for anything more than a friendship. He is still financially dependant on his parents, which I guess is fine when you're 23, but he doesn't work and is pretty much still living the life of an undergrad. I found that very hard to relate to. He's taking 3 classes this semester, all of which meet once a week, at night, and is not working or doing anything during his days. Coming from someone who is taking 2 classes and working full time, it's hard for me to even wrap my head around that kind of lifestyle. He also does not seem to have a lot of friends that he does things with, and I wouldn't want to become the only person that he saw socially outside of school. Yuck. That's a lot of pressure, and he has a ton of free time. I feel like he could get pretty clingy, pretty fast. He was nice though, and we were able to talk a lot about what we had in common, which was good. I wouldn't mind being friends with him, but I think I'll have to let him know that - much sooner rather than later. After 3 hours, I needed to get back home to do some homework/school work. He walked me not only to the subway, but inside the subway, and offered to swipe me in the turnstile if I didn't have an unlimited metro card. (I do - so it was unnecessary.) After an awkward hug goodbye, we parted ways, and I went to go wait for the G. The best part of the trip home (which made the G a little bit bearable) was when a Mormon missionary tried to convince me to go to church with him this morning.

I heard from the kid not long after I got home, and he asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with him later in the week (it was a movie we had talked about over coffee, and I had mentioned that I wanted to see it.) Although I know better, I said yes. Since I don't think they will accept his meal plan or his metro card at the movies, I will probably offer to pay. Then I will have to proceed to tell him that we're at much different places in our lives, and I think he's too young for me to date him, but we can be friends. Hopefully he will understand.

Next.

Last night I had a second date with the chivalrous acupuncturist. I wasn't expecting it to be so soon after the first, but he called me on Thursday night. He told me he was going to be visiting a friend in Park Slope on Friday afternoon and asked would I want to see him later around 8ish. He also felt the need to mention that he was anxious to see me again - like I couldn't already tell that? I had to be at a school function until 8 or so Friday night, so we agreed to meet up at my apartment around 8:30.

We met up in the blistery coldness that was last night and walked to a small middle eastern restaurant near my apartment. There were no flowers, no acts of chivalry, and it was all very nice and "normal" as far as dates go.

After dinner, we walked back over to my apartment and I invited him up. He got the grand tour of the living room/kitchen (not allowed back to the bedroom yet!) and we ended up making out on the couch for a while. At some point I started complaining that my fingers were throbbing. I have pre-mature arthritis in my fingers and hands that comes out especially when it's really cold (like it was last night) or when it's raining. He motioned for me to turn around so that my back was facing him, and he then proceeded to give me the best massage down my entire upper right side, ending in a very nice finger/hand massage which helped my fingers feel better, then the left side, and finally he had me lay down on the floor and he gave me an full back massage. It was phenomenal. I've never had a professional massage, and I'm not assuming that this is what they are like, but it's a lot closer than anything I've ever had before. I guess that's a perk to dating a guy who does things like this for a living.

He stayed pretty late, and I was tempted to ask him to stay over. But I refrained. I have not had a guy spend the night at my apartment since last year when I was with my ex - and it would be opportune since my roommate is out of town for the weekend... but I'm not in any hurry to get in over my head with this one. I still wonder about the connection we have. We have a good time together, but there is a definite noticeable lack of things to say. There are lulls that feel awkward to me, and maybe that's ok since it's only the second date.

I have a date with the library school kid tonight. We're going to eat at the dining hall (actually I don't know if this is true or not, but I kind of hope so!) Ooooh, exciting.

Chivalry

Chivalry, in fact, is not dead. However, I do not know if I am the prime candidate to receive chivalrous actions.

My date with the Chinese medicine practitioner (who is not Chinese, that is the first question everyone asks me - he's Jewish!) was last night. We were meeting at the Bergen St. subway stop around 7:30 and then we were going to go for some Thai food and then maybe go to a local bar to shoot some pool. A nice, casual first date (note the word casual). So, I went down the subway at the designated time, and as I'm walking towards the subway stop, I can see off in the distance, a man waiting at the subway stop with what appears to be a large bouquet in his hands. My first thought was, oh that's sweet, some guy is bringing his girlfriend flowers... until it dawned on me, that no, some guy is not bringing his girlfriend flowers... That MUST be my date waiting there. My only thought is please, don't let that be him! Oh dear... it was. And my date had brought me not just a bouquet of flowers, he bought me a dozen roses. Oh no. He hands them to me and I say, Thanks, wow, this is a first. To which he replies, no one has ever bought you flowers before? And my reply is, no, I've gotten flowers before, just never... and then I trailed off, and decided to say, but they are lovely and so beautiful, thank you, that was really sweet. (all the while I'm thinking, I have to carry these around with me ALL night? I don't even have a vase at home!) So we go to the neighborhood Thai restaurant, where they know me, and I do bring a different boy there at least once a month. And I have never brought the same guy twice. The woman who works there, came over to seat us, and kind of laughed when she saw my flowers. I wonder what they think of me there, honestly. At least while we were seated I could put the flowers on the bench next to me (the whole packaging/arrangement of it - they were enormous).
So about the guy, he was really nice and pleasant to talk to. He is kind of has a new-age look about him, which is the best description I can think of. I guess since he practices alternative medicine, he must have some sort of new-age-iness about him. But anyway, dinner was nice, as thai food always is. We split two entrees (and like I've said before, good sharers always earn points in my book.) and stayed talking long after we finished eating. This is why I love this restaurant, they don't pressure you to leave or order anything else, they are content to let you sit and talk, with nothing in front of you, for as long as you want. They also probably figure that I'll be back probably sooner rather than later with yet another guy.

We did eventually decide to leave, to go to the bar on the corner of my block to shoot some pool. As we were getting up, he offered to hold my jacket as I got the rest of my stuff together. I have a lot of winter gear as it is, not to mention an entire rose garden wrapped in paper. I was going to just take my jacket back once I was gathered and standing, but he held it out, as if to put it on for me.... So I let him help me into my coat. I don't think a guy has ever in my life done this for me. It was very chivalrous, but I felt very strange about it at the time too.

At the bar (where I brought my large bouquet with of course - I thought about asking if we could stop by my apartment to drop them off, but I didn't want to invite him up to my apartment so soon), we played two awful games of pool. To be fair, I played awfully, he played better than I did, but it wasn't anything to brag about. We had some wine, and then sat in the corner of the pool room for a while on bar stools talking. We had the whole backroom to ourselves for most of the evening, which was really nice. It was private and provided a nice environment to get to know him better without the usual bar atmosphere. At one point, I was mid-conversation, probably talking about my students, and I must have been turned away from him for some reason. When I turned back, there he was, all leaned in for the kill, it surprised me completely, but I went with flow, and we kissed in the back room of the bar where I've now kissed many boys (if 3 is many - 4 if you count kissing against the wall outside the bar). We stayed for a while, intermittently talking and kissing. I don't know if I feel as strongly for him as he seems to be projecting he feels for me. He was talking a lot about when I meet his friends, and in terms of future events. Again, I know from past experiences, this doesn't mean a damn thing. But it's was a bit overwhelming. I think if I were to date him further, I'd tell him he needs to take it down a few notches. He walked me to my door, which is a whole 4 doors down, kissed me goodbye, and said he'd talk to me soon.

I was talking to a friend about the whole chivalry thing, and she made a good point. She said that we're so bitter and scarred from these dating experiences, that we don't even recognize nice gestures as just that, trying to be nice. I don't think this guy was trying to profess his undying love for someone he just met, but maybe he is just a genuinely nice guy trying to make a kind gesture and I reacted poorly to it because I'm jaded.

Tiny Texan

Tonight I had a date with the Texan. We decided we were going to meet up at the Tea Lounge at 6. I arrived early (for once!) and got some tea, settled in reading my book. He showed up about 15 minutes late, but it was fine. I didn't really notice the time, I was so confused at how small he was. For some reason, in my mind I had thought he was 6'1". I could have SWORN that's how tall he was... but apparently, I got him confused with one of my other dates later in the week. So.. he was not only short (maybe 5'6") but he was what I would call petite. Short and skinny, and I'm not a short or skinny or petite person by any stretch of the imagination... When we sat next to each other on the couch at the tea lounge, I felt a bit ginormous.

He was really nice though, and smart. We had tea and talked for a while. I had been concerned about differences being a bit of an issue. He's a vegan. We talked a bit about that. We talked about school, and libraries (he's a librarian - and has taught before too - a teacher and librarian, we do at least have things in common). But I don't know how well we connected. I couldn't tell if he was just shy, or not interested. I enjoyed the evening though. The date lasted about 2 hours, which was long enough. He walked me up to my street, and we parted at the subway stop a block away.

It was a good way to start off the week of dates.

Offended.

Apparently people are offended by what I write. If you know me in person, you know that I'm not an offensive person intentionally, but I do not hold back. I'm sure I could be nicer, but why? I don't think I've written anything that was ever intentionally mean, and if you don't like what I write, then don't read it.

Ahem. Ok. That was my little rant on that. In other news... upcoming dates this week!
3 of them! There's the Kid (a library student who's almost 3 years younger than I... and I thought a few months was bad), the Texan (lives in the city, obviously... but is from texas originally - and is also a librarian. He has a great texan accent!), and the Dr. (who's not really a doctor, but a practitioner of Chinese medicine). The kid I think will turn into a friendship, he actually reminds me a lot of D, without the ex-girlfriend (as far as I know. I haven't done as much research, since a whole lot of good it did me last time - lesson learned, finally!). Which means, he would be great.. but he's younger than my little brother. I don't know that I'm ok with that, just yet. Case in point, a conversation we had today planning our upcoming date went something like this...
The Kid: Do you like smoothies?
E: I do... but it's a little cold for smoothies.
The Kid: My school has a little cafe next to the regular cafeteria that serves coffee, smoothies, pizza, ice cream, milkshakes, etc and I can pay with my meal plan.
E: ...

Yeah, he said pay with his meal plan. I know he's in grad school, and not working. I understand that money is tight. And I'm the LEAST concerned with who pays for what on a date, but paying with a meal plan?? Yikes. I feel like I'm going back to my undergrad days having pledges swipe me into the dining hall... As I typed that, it dawned on me that with this one, that could be a future date. Well, maybe the smoothies are really good. No judgements just skeptical.

The other two I'm fighting everything in me to keep my expectations low. After 2 very hopeful and then disappointing experiences, I'm worried I'm a little bit scarred by recent months. The Texan is up first on Tuesday night, and the Dr. is Wednesday. Both have really interesting qualities that are equally as enticing... I don't want to say too much, it never works out in the end anyway! (Boo pessimism, that's not my style - but I refuse to get my hopes up.)

There are two other potentials that are barely out of the starting gate... but it should keep things interesting for a while.

Square One

Last night was my last date with D. I have to say that it was really hard for me to end this one, because I really did have such a good time with him. It's so rare that you can find someone that you can have such easy, comfortable times with in such a short period of time. But his relationship with his ex was too much for me to handle, and I didn't think it was fair, especially if we were "exclusive" that he should have been seeing so much of his ex, and so little of me.

Over the weekend, D returned from Switzerland, and I honestly expected to see him, or at least talk to him when he got home. We talked a briefly over IM a few times, but he made absolutely no attempt to see if I was around at all over the weekend. So I made other plans. When I finally talked to him on the phone on Sunday morning (he got back on Friday, mind you), he asked me if I was around on Monday. I told him I wasn't sure what time I was going to be back from NJ (I was going down Sunday night to hang out with the girls - and lord knows what kind of nights those turn out to be!). I told him I'd call if I was around. Monday I figured I'd be back in the city around 2 or 3, and I could meet up with him for dinner. I texted him at noon asking him if he was around, and he said when I told him that I wasn't sure when I was going to be back, he made other plans. I wouldn't have minded so much, except I KNEW that his plans were with his ex. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe he just doesn't make plans with anyone other than her... but I was right.

Tuesday night (last night), we had made plans to meet up at Bryant Park around 6. I was thinking we could just do coffee, we could talk about this situation, and then I'd be on my way home. But he wanted to go to dinner, back down in Union Square (why he asked me to meet him in Bryant Park, I can't figure out. I came in from Brooklyn up to Bryant Park, to have to go back down to Union Square. Nonsense.) So we went to Republic, which was great, but the setting didn't really allow for private conversations of such matters I wished to have. So, I mulled over all the points I had wanted to make, made idle conversation, listened a lot to the two gay men sitting at our table talk about their own love problems. After dinner, I wanted to make a quick trip to Barnes and Noble to see if they had the book I needed for my graduate school course in stock. They did not, and the quick trip turned into hours of browsing books. I will never complain about time spent in a bookstore, ever, but I wanted to have the conversation. The more date time we spent together, the more I was convincing myself that we didn't need to have the conversation and maybe the whole ex thing didn't bother me all THAT much. I enjoy spending time with D, so the more time we spent together, the less I wanted to tell him that I didn't want to spend anymore time with him...

We finally ended up at Starbucks, where I worked up the nerve to bring up the conversation. It went something like this (obviously not verbatim, but the general gist):
E: I have something I need to talk to you about...
D: ...
E: um. ok. or not. Ok. I'm not going to say it.
D: ...
E: No. I have to. This is something that's been bothering me, I need to say it.
D: ... *goes to get milk for his coffee*
E: First, I want to preface that this has nothing to do with the time I spend with you, because i really enjoy it. It's more the time I spend not with you... Ok, so I've been uncomfortable about the whole ex girlfriend thing. I feel like you're still dating her. Even if you're not physically intimate with her, that doesn't mean you're not in a relationship.
D: That's not something I plan to change. ever.
E: I don't expect you to not be friends with her, but considering you just broke up not 4 months ago, and she is clearly not over you...
D: ...
E: And, I also feel like you keep me a secret. Not just from her, but from all your friends.
D: Yes. That's just how I am. and all of my friends are friends with *her* so you have to be kept a secret from all of them too.
E: So, I'm like your dirty little secret. There's a reason I don't date married men.
D: Well, it's not something I see myself changing in the immediate future.
E: Ok... Do you think that's something that any girl is going to be ok with?
D: I don't know. Maybe. But I'm not going to do anything to intentionally hurt her.
E: I'm not expecting you to change anything, and I honestly didn't go into this conversation thinking that you would, I just don't think it's very fair to me. I don't like being treated like I'm someone's mistress.
D: Is this something that you can't get past?
E: If you had asked me this weekend, I would have said definitely not. I was really upset this weekend -
D: I could tell you were upset on Sunday when we talked.
(E thinking: if he knew I was upset... why didn't he ask me about it?)
D: you know, if there was something you wanted to talk to me about, you should have called.
E: I DID.
D: When?
E: Well, I first tried calling you on Saturday night, but your phone was off. So then I called you Sunday morning.
D: Oh. Right.
E: Anyway, after spending time with you, I want to say that I can handle this. That I don't care about the ex, that it's no big deal. I have a really good time when we're out.
D: Me too. But I don't think that you are really ok with it.
E: I'm not. Not even a little bit.... So, I guess that's it then. Huh?
D: Better that we can be so honest about it.
E: Of course, that's what I really like about you, we have open honest conversations. It just sucks that it has to end.
D: Yeah.

So, we talked in circles some more. We decided we were not going to try to be friends, even though we did have a good time together. I was concerned that the physical attraction would still be too prevalent for us to really have a true friendship.

We walked to the trains, I was taking the 6 downtown, and he was taking the 4/5 uptown. My train was there when we got there, so there was no time for a long drawn out goodbye. We said goodbye, and that's it. Back to dating again... uch. Again. That's the second time in 3 months I had settled down to not date anyone else, only for it to end for one reason or another. Disappointing.

All's Fair

I have no news of dates to report. It's been 9 days since my last post, I feel like I'm either losing readership, or just letting the faithful down. D returned from Switzerland yesterday, I have no plans to see him yet. I'm not sure what exactly I'm doing really, everyone keeps asking me how that's going. And I don't really know what to tell them. It's going fine, I guess. I was hoping to gain a little more perspective on what I wanted while he was away, but I didn't. I get the feeling that this isn't going to be a long term thing, but more of a "it's fun while it lasts" type thing. Is that fair, though? Am I even having fun? I'm not sure of the answer to that. When I'm with him yes, definitely having fun. When, I'm not, which is the larger amount of time, I spend more time worrying about it than I'd like. Which is more important? I've long lost the notion that relationships are fair in any sense of the matter, and as far as the old saying goes, All's fair in love and war... mine feel a bit more like war than love, I suppose. It's sad, but true. A whole lot of strategy and planning goes into this, and it never seems quite worth it in the end. I'm taking a break from all the strategizing, planning, and trying to let things just happen as they happen. Only problem? Nothing is happening. As the week progressed between the last time I've seen D, and even the time before that, I've been getting the feeling that he's not all that interested. He could take it or leave it. I've been in that kind of relationship before, and that is not where I'm looking to be again.

Hopefully the end of the weekend will bring something more of note to discuss.

Good Game

D and I met up for dinner last night at Joya. That makes 3 out of 6 dates at Thai restaurants. I think he's avoiding restaurants that would require him to use a fork. Anyway, we met up at Joya, which is a little troublesome for dating because of the noise and how crowded it can get; but he wanted to eat there, so we decided to risk it. It turned out to be a great night to go, it was practically empty, we sat nowhere near the kitchen, so it's much quieter already. Although the bar area can get crowded and loud, last night it didn't. The food was quick and as tasty as it always has been, I was very pleased. We were done with dinner in about an hour though, which made it still relatively early in the evening. We walked up Court St. and stopped outside BookCourt and cover-browsed the books in the window. We got into a good discussion about YA magic fantasy style books, which as a future children's librarian, I have plenty of knowledge. And he thinks we have nothing in common. Pssh.

We went to the bar that is on the corner of my block for a drink, and I introduced him to the world of Maker's and Ginger (a fabulous drink I was introduced to last winter), and I had a glass of red wine, which D was quick to point out that I have only drank wine on all of our dates. Wine is my safe drink, but the only time we had been in bars previously, both were wine bars and I usually order wine with dinner rather than a cocktail, although sometimes a beer. Ok, enough of my drinking history, no? We had drinks, and since it was still early, D came back to my apartment with me. We talked to the roommate for a bit, and she exposed my messy habits, even though my room speaks for itself. I have cleaned it substantially over the past week or so, and for me, it's actually really neat, but um... I think D was kind of surprised that my room had been messier than his in the very recent past, because as it stands right now, he still probably thought it was pretty messy.

So we hung out in my clean/messy bedroom for about 3 hours. (Yes, I'm saying hung out, because this is not THAT kind of blog, and intimate details need not be posted. I'll let all of you use your vivid imaginations.) Around 11 though, he suggested that we play a game of Scrabble. I'm not sure if it's really a good idea to start a game of Scrabble at 11 pm on a work/school night... but I didn't have an hour trip home on the 4/5, he did. And if he was game, so was I! So we played a very competitive (or at least as competitive as I can be - and I'm not all that competitive to begin with - at 11 pm) game. I scored some pretty killer words, starting off with dormant, some triple word scores in there too, a pirate (which he stole with an S), and pasty. Yup, pasty - on a triple word score. Awesome. It was very close in the end but D beat me, 287 to 284. But I'm a gracious loser, and it was a really fun game. The first non-Wii game we've played, so really the first time I've ever posed any sort of real competition. I think I represented fairly well.

He leaves for a business trip for a week on Saturday and I'll be in the Poconos this weekend, so I won't see him before he goes. A whole week without a blog? Maybe I'll find something of note to post about... get myself a new subway stalker, or something.