Leap

I'm not the type of girl to get all wrapped up in a guy - and to get really emotionally involved in a relationship. I've had one really serious relationship in my life, which was a mixture of me convincing myself that I wanted something I really didn't, and just wanting to be in a relationship... Sad, but true. Since then, I consider myself to have been single for the past 2 1/2 years, with a brief relationship in the middle of that. However, he was emotionally uninterested in me, and that didn't really function as a relationship should, so while I was technically in a relationship - I was really single.

I moved to the city expecting something different than I found. I didn't necessarily expect to find the love of my life (is that even something I believe exists? I don't know.), but I didn't expect to date, and date, and date... until I nearly burned out from the entire experience. These past 10 months have been exhausting emotionally, mentally, even physically at times. I need a change. And while it's not coming in my relationships, my career, or my living situation, I decided to make the change happen myself. Also for the 2 years I have been living here, I haven't fallen in love with the city. I like living here, I love a lot about Brooklyn, and I might even go so far as to say I like teaching here - however I feel disconnected to the city. I'm sure it takes a few years living here to feel at ease or at home, but I don't know if I want to wait it out. So, I'm going to be leaving the city (potentially) in the fall to teach/work in a library in Europe. This is a new, very strange decision I've come to in the past few days. I'm ultimately not unhappy in the city, but it's not really what I want. I can't help shake the feeling that there is something so much more out there that I am missing out on.

I have never lived anywhere but on the east coast, New Jersey mainly, New York for 2 years, and Virginia for a cool 10 months my freshman year in college. I've never been far away from home for longer than a few months, and I don't know what it's like. I want to travel and explore, and right now while I'm not tied to anything or anyone seems to be the best time ever. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't want to wake up one day in my forties and say, wow... I should have done more when I was younger. This is the time to reach beyond what is safe, what is comfortable. So I'm taking a risk. I've applied to American schools in Switzerland and England. I don't know what will come of this, but I really feel like I will be leaving the city this year. Where to? I don't know. Maybe this is just a early-spring restless feeling, an itching to get on with my life.