Where the Wild Things Are

After a week of trying to figure out what to do about the guy who lives with his ex, I decided I'm not going to do anything at all. Meaning - I'm not going to end things, because frankly, I do like him, despite how impractical it seems right now. So, while he was away in Maine, we communicated through texts every day. And he wanted to see me the day after he got back, but of course, my many jobs interfered with my social life as usual. We went out last night, which was supposed to be a relatively early dinner and then a movie. However, due to some issue at his work, we had to go later, which he did give me the option of bailing on one of the activities (dinner or a movie, instead of both). I didn't want to cancel the movie, because we've hung out before and done the whole conversation over drinks, etc, and dinner seemed to be too similar to that, AND I really did want to see the movie. A movie date without anything else doesn't lead to much, so it had to be both. So, a later dinner and an even later movie, I was still planning on being home by midnight.

We went to a Thai restaurant that I had been meaning to try not too far from my house. I had heard good things about it, and it was ok, nothing great like Brooklyn Thai food, but not much is. We split a bottle of wine, and talked over dinner. He ordered Pad Thai, which made me laugh, because it reminded me of one my first blog dates when I totally criticized my date for ordering pad thai, it was a boring choice, but I was also making my point then that it was a boring date and his food choice just emphasized that. And, in confession, this guy knows about the blog. He's my friend on facebook, and has seen multiple friends post things about the blog, and I have mentioned it before too. So I told him the story about the date with the boring pad thai. I know. Telling guys about the blog has never worked in my interest before, but I believe that he has no intention of actually trying to find it and whether he does or not, I want to assure you that this is not watered down blogging.

So over an hour at dinner, long conversations as usual, and it's time to head to the movie. We split a piece of cake before going in, and are just one of few people in the theater. I mean, who really goes to the movies at 9:40 on a Tuesday night. (BONUS Mini Blog - within the blog -I actually had been to the same theater the night before with Mr. Perfect. I took him out for his birthday - I felt bad, it was his birthday and he had no plans. Although he did tell me that he's been on a few dates with a new girl, and has slept with her. Seriously, and all that time I was very careful not to tell him about the Bad Kisser because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Well, that went out the window at dinner, and I told him about the bad kisser and that I was going out with the guy who lives with his ex, and texted guy who lives with his ex throughout the night while I was out with Mr. P. Uch, I was so irritated by him. I did tell him that he's dating the wrong girls and that he's not going to be happy if he still is unhappy with his life. I was pretty harsh on him, for his birthday and all. but whatever, I'm over that. I did my duty as a friend and an ex, and made sure he didn't spend his birthday by himself. It wasn't a fun evening for either of us, and I doubt it will happen again anytime soon. Much needed closure.) ANYWAY, back to the date at hand... I LOVED the movie. I know a lot of people who saw it and didn't like it, but I didn't go into it thinking of it as a kid's movie and you really can't. It's not meant for little ones, and it's an angry, yet beautifully made movie. I love the book, Where the Wild Things Are, and the movie did not disappoint. I really thought Sendak's artwork came through the cinematography beautifully, and to take a 5 minute story and turn it into a full length film was not done without a lot of development of the characters. Loved it.

After the movie, he drove me back to my car and we sat there and talked for another 2 hours. I think he wanted to kiss me, but I was not going to make it easy for him. He told me that he's really awkward about the "end of dates" and I kind of shook my head sympathetically. I'm not going to make the first move. And then I brought up my own reservations. I'm not really ready to let go the whole living with his ex-wife/lesbian thing. So I brought it up, as my own apprehension that I have towards whatever it is that we're doing (which as of right now, is hanging out... and if that's all it's going to be, I guess it doesn't matter who he lives with!). And we talked about that at length for a long time, we talked about his relationship with his ex, his marriage to his ex, his wedding. How it all went wrong. Really lovely 3rd date conversation. He made it very clear that he likes me, he's interested in dating me at least, and he hopes that I can come to terms with his living situation. I hope I can too. I really do like him, despite my actual trying not to, because it might not be the ideal situation to be in, but I'm willing to see how it all pans out.

I'm not sure how the rest of my dating life is holding up at this point, my work schedule definitely impedes it, and there's one guy who's been trying to set up a date with me for about a month, but it seems like my work gets in the way every single time. And I don't think he's all that interested anyway. If he were, we could meet up for drinks/dinner during the week, but he's never been that interested in setting that up. And he always waits until the last minute to try to make plans. With my schedule, I can't do that, and so, a month or more later, we still haven't been on a date. He's still trying though, we'll see if it happens. There's a few more, emails/IMs only at this point. Who knows what will be, and who knows what could happen in the mean time. All I know is that when all is said and done, I look forward to hearing from the guy who lives with his ex the most, and haven't really thought much about any of the others since. These are big steps for me, those of you who lived through my crazy summer/fall, I'm finally(?) ready to move on!

Cooking for One

I have to admit, that when I'm by myself, I don't do much just for myself. And since I live alone, and don't often have company, this means I very rarely cook for myself. Sometimes I don't even eat depending on the amount of food that is in my house. I went from the end of June until the end of September without grocery shopping. It's a talent.

Tonight, I went to a cooking class. It was geared towards young Jewish singles in their 20's and 30's. Of course the demographic was made up of mostly girls, one gay (?) guy, one guy who left about 20 minutes in (and he was not attractive!), and another borderline attractive, but not really, guy. It was run by a gay guy and a married guy, so my only hope going into this was the chef. He did not disappoint.

I'm not going to lie. I find talent to be one of the most appealing thing a person can offer. Show me skill, talent, creativity, whatever, and I am yours. So, this single, Jewish chef was all in all VERY appealing to me. Maybe appealing enough to become a new crush (I know you all will miss the old one!). I partnered up with another girl during the class, stationed myself directly in front of the chef, and smiled shamelessly the entire time. Nothing happened, but I did get to make some delicious food, and had the female/male ratio been a bit more balanced, it would've been a bit more productive I think.

I don't think I'm going to be cooking all that more often for myself now, nor do I think anything will come of this, but I had a good time and got my mind off other things that have been plaguing it lately!

food = delicious.

Doesn't it sound familiar...

Last night was the 2nd date with the guy from earlier this week. You know, the one who lives with his lesbian ex-wife, and all his ex in-laws either in the same house or right across the street? Yeah, that one.

Ok, so I don't care about that so much anymore. I know I probably should. I've been burned badly in situations like these... D and his ex girlfriend, CK and the BFPE, who was bisexual, which I know isn't the same, but that didn't turn out well in my favor either. I know it probably doesn't matter how many excuses I make, there's just something wrong with living with your ex-wife, no matter how into girls she is. But all that aside, I just don't even really think about it when we're hanging out.

Last night we met up at a coffee shop in walking distance from my house. There is something calming about being able to walk to date, it reminded me of dating in NYC. I considered driving the 3 blocks because it was so cold and miserable out last night, but in the city, I would have never driven to the subway, and the coffee shop is closer to my house than the subway was to my apartment, so that didn't make much sense. I bundled up way more than I should have to for mid-October, and walked over to the coffee house. Well, it was so crowded and there was some sort of open mic night going on, it was kind of crazy. We found a spot that ended up being a good as we were going to get in there, removed in a corner, behind the music, so we weren't even facing it. However, there were some very strange folk and very interesting music which provided much fodder for the conversation.

Some highlights of the night were a song about fisting (I'm not sure that this is what the song was really about, but my date seems to think so, he thought it was hysterical), a spoken word poetry session about nursing homes set to some synthesizer music, a creepy father/daughter (maybe not, we hypothesized this relationship) duet sung pretty badly, and me stabbing myself with a toothpick in my gums. That wasn't embarrassing at all. At one point, the coffee house staff brought around some dessert bites for the customers in the place, on toothpicks. When I have something in my hands, like a toothpick, I tend to fidget with it, and it was in and out of my hands/mouth while we were talking. And at one point, I lodged it into my gums pretty hard, and I started to bleed, kind of excessively. I had already finished my tea and I didn't have anything to rinse my mouth out with, it was pretty horrific. My date was cool though, and if he was terrified by my self-mutilation, he didn't let on too much. I'm realizing I'm way out of practice in the dating scene, in my heyday I would have known not to play with sharp objects!

So, this date was only moderately shorter than the last one, lasting about 3.5 hours, which for a second date isn't so bad. I was still tired from the late night earlier in the week, and hadn't fully caught up on my sleep, so I was yawning profusely by 11 pm. Around 11:30 we made it outside, and I wonder how the goodbye would have gone if it hadn't been awkwardly interrupted. This tall, gangly, toothy guy followed us out, he had been in and out of the place all night, and had been the topic of much speculation and discussion on our date. Tall guy proceeded to try to talk to us, asking if we were leaving. Which just made it awkward for us, because he had to go to his car, and I was walking in the opposite direction... so we hugged goodbye, and tried to escape the weird guy. I was slightly afraid that the tall guy was going to follow me around the corner, but he didn't. He just kind of interfered at an inopportune time.

So the ex-wife guy is going away for over a week, and I'm sure we'll be in communication the entire time, but it's a lot less pressure to figure out what it is I'm looking for with him, and if I want to play this role for yet a 3rd time in my dating history.

3rd time's a charm?

Just the facts.

So I'm going to try to disclose very little about last night's date, just the facts. I don't want to muddy this up with opinions of what I think is right or wrong... I'm just trying to sort through the facts, and then go from here.

Fact #1 - This guy started emailing while I was dating the bad kisser. I wasn't not interested, but I wasn't interested in starting something new while I was still working things out with the bad kisser. Things fizzled and I went away, didn't expect to hear from him again.

Fact #2 - He emailed me again when I got home and updated my match profile with pictures from Hawaii. I had already decided to end things with the bad kisser, so this was as good opportunity to reconnect as any. We started emailing, daily.

Fact #3 - Over the past 2 months, we have exchanged about 100 emails, most of them very long, and lengthy. That's about an email a day from each of us, sometimes more. I have definitely gotten to know him through emails, and he's someone I can connect with intellectually for sure... but I'm not without very strong reservations on this one. Which brings me to..

Fact #4 - He's divorced. I don't usually date guys who are divorced, even if there are no children involved (especially if there ARE children involved - dealbreaker.) I waiver on this one here, they got divorced because his wife is a lesbian. Ok, so clearly not his fault. But do I want to be someone's second? And it gets better...

Fact #5 - He LIVES with his ex-wife and her new girlfriend. In the same house, that they bought when they were married. But now they aren't. And his ex in-laws live across the street. I want to be cool with this. He presented it as such: either you get it or you don't, but it's not something he plans on changing until the market rebounds and they can sell it for what it's worth, I get it, but still...it makes me feel a little strange. I remember with D, with his ex, and how he spent most of his time with her and not me, and he definitely didn't live with her. But she wasn't a lesbian either. I'm trying not make judgements. I really don't know what to make of this... But I'm straying from the facts.

Fact #6 - After emailing daily for 2 months, last night we decided to meet up for drinks. I was nervous at first, but quickly I felt like I was having drinks with an old friend. 2 beers and 4 hours later, it was after 1 am on a school night, and I probably could have stayed and talked for another 4 hours. I don't feel like I have to hide anything or pretend to be something I'm not, I felt very comfortable, very fast.

Fact #7 - He manages a Borders (me + books = happy), and a few weeks back I had mentioned an owl bag that I bought at Borders... and that there was an owl journal that matched my bag that I wanted. I must have mentioned it a few times. He brought said owl journal for me last night. :)

Fact #8 - There was a hug goodbye, no kiss, but again, I'm still not sure. We've texted all day today.

Fact #9 - We're going out again tomorrow.

Chemistry

So, if you've ever dated online, like I have, you may have wondered about those sites that claim to match you with people who are exceptionally compatible for you. eHarmony is one that most people think of, but match has its own variety as well, Chemistry. And by the name, you'd hope that the people you'd be matched with would spark some chemistry.

I've never actively done any of these sites, so I can't really comment. However, every once in a while, Chemistry offers a free weekend, and since I already have the whole profile down, I tried it out. So, the problem is you go through this rigorous matching selection, and you are given matches with whom the computer thinks you'll be compatible, and you really get no say in the matter other than yes or no. So, I chose a few that I thought were ok, based on the very limited profile you get to see, and started communication with one or two. I had to find ways to sneak my email address into the communications because once the weekend was over, I wouldn't be able to email them anymore. So, one guy and I started emailing outside of Chemistry. He seemed ok, a bit older than I usually date, and something seemed, well maybe a bit off. But I'm giving it all a chance these days, so we emailed for about 2 weeks, and decided today to meet up for coffee.

Yawn. Yeah, this date SUCKED. Sorry for not being hopeful or even kind. It was just so painfully boring, I didn't know what to do. I managed to sit through 2 hours of coffee, by just barely staying awake. The conversation was rough. I mean, I know I'm out of practice. It's been over 2 months since my last first date, but things with the bad kisser were WAY better conversationally than with this guy. I felt like our conversational styles did not gel. Is that even possible? Can you not converse well with someone, even if both people are participating in the conversation?

Somehow the conversation came around to beliefs, and I told him that I believed that everything happens for a reason. And he rolled his eyes. Literally. Rolled his eyes in front of me, as if that kind of response is acceptable. So I asked him what he believes in. He told me that he believes in 3 things... Karma, Murphy's Law, and Choice (which I think is a bit ironic for someone who is dating on a website that doesn't allow you choose your own matches!) Ok. I can believe in all of those three things and still believe that my life is leading me somewhere I'm supposed to be. I just have a strong spiritual faith these days, that there are things that are beyond my control, but I will eventually get to exactly where I need to be. Does this mean I'm giving up free will or letting the universe make choices for me? No, in fact, I feel like it's the opposite. I've made a choice. I've chosen to accept the things that happen to me that are beyond my control (even some of the things that I've chosen that are within my control), I make choices all the time, and they will determine the path of my life - which is exactly where it should be, I hope. Anyway, he wasn't saying anything that I really thought was smart or interesting. And he talked a lot about how his Catholic school education was way better than public school education, which as a public school educator... I take offense to. He wasn't particular warm or kind, and I didn't laugh a whole lot. He looked like Ted Bundy from Married with Children (on edit: thanks to Logan - it's Al Bundy, not Ted Bundy who is a serial killer - whoops!) And I imagine that will only get worse as he gets older.

I'm sad that my first date back in so long was such a let down. I have to be honest that I didn't go into with the high hopes I had promised. I knew from the start I wasn't going to really like this guy, I just was hoping that maybe I was wrong from the initial impression he gave. He gave me an awkard hug and a kiss on the cheek when we were leaving, and said that if I wanted to do this again, I should let him know. I wonder if he thought there was something there that I missed?

So, as far as chemistry goes... I'm not sure what the computers could see that I couldn't, but if I rated our chemistry on a scale of 1 - 10, he'd be a negative 3.

I wonder...

If the person who writes the blogs for woot has actually been out with some of the same guys I have or has heard some of my stories. I know it's just an ad to sell this tripod thing, but seriously, I laughed while reading this whole thing... because well, it's almost as if they have been a part of my previous relationships... all of them with guys who have no friends!

Here is the link to the blog, but here's the text anyway, just for shits and giggles. Seriously, I could've written this myself....

The Photos Don’t Lie

When I responded to his personals ad, I was under the impression he was normal.

He had all these pictures, see? There was one of him playing basketball, one of him laughing over something someone apparently said just out of frame at a nice dinner out, one of him paddling a canoe, taken from the bow. They made it seem like he had interests. Like he had a life. Like he had friends.

Fast-forward nine weeks into our relationship, and we haven’t done anything but hang out at his house and watch Netflix. He recites dialogue along with sci-fi classics, which is funny the first time, but then you realize he isn’t doing it to be funny. For him, this is like reading along with the liturgist at church.

We haven’t been hiking, we haven’t been out to dinner, and watching him fumble with the DVD remote control, I’m starting to seriously doubt he’s a regular at pick-up basketball games.

So I ask him. “Hey, Tim,” I say, all casual-like, “do you want to maybe go camping this weekend?”

He can’t. His back.

“How about tomorrow night I take you out to eat?”

He can’t. His food allergies.

“Well, when do you think I might meet some of your friends?”

He pauses the DVD. Harrison Ford as Deckard is frozen with an expression of alarm, like he knows what’s coming. “This is about my Jdate photos, isn’t it?”

“No, I just… well… Maybe a little. You just seemed so active from your profile. How come we never do any of that stuff?”

“Fake,” he says. “All fake.”

“What do you mean, ‘fake?’” I ask. Who took the pictures for you?”

“I took them myself. I didn’t want to go the hold-the-camera-at-arm’s-length route, though—I thought I’d come off better if it seemed like someone else took them.”

“You… what?”

“I took my Sunpack Flexpod Gripper mini-tripod to a restaurant, I ordered enough food to make it look like a big group dinner, I pretended to talk to someone seated off-camera, and there you go. It was easy. The Flexpod makes a great tabletop tripod, actually.”

“But… canoeing? Basketball?”

“Yeah, that was a busy day. Paddling a canoe is a pain in the kiester, I’ll tell you that. But the photography part was a cinch. The Flexpod can bend to fit almost anywhere. I wrapped it around one of the thwarts and took that photo in about three seconds. Basketball was harder. I can’t dribble worth a turd. It took a long time to get that shot.”

“So… you really don’t have any friends at all?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. I consider the Flexpod a pretty good friend. It helped me score with you. Name another wing man with the patience to take almost three hundred photos of his buddy in hopes of getting one where it doesn’t look like the aforementioned buddy is having an epileptic fit. Plus I can play WAR OF THE WORLDS with it.”

“I… I just don’t understand how you could do such a thing.”

“Simple! I play myself, and the Flexpod pretends to be one of the Martian tripods.”

My goal, seriously, is to date a guy who has a solid group of friends. That's all I really want.