Diary of a Dating Disaster

The Bridge

2011-11-13T22:34:00.003-05:00

The final installment of the dating disaster... I'm sure many readers (ha, I say that like the majority of you aren't involved in my day to day life) are wondering what happened to Brooklyngirl, and more importantly, the Gentleman. I am very happy to say, that as of Friday, 11/11/11 - we are engaged! I am still in shock and couldn't be happier.

It was the perfect proposal, and the perfect ending to this story - back to the borough where it all began. The Gentleman and I traveled up to NYC on Thursday, for a long weekend. I had my suspicions that he was going propose while we were there, but I didn't want to get my hopes up! We had planned on doing something over our long weekend, first we thought about going to Arkansas to visit his extended family, then Boston to visit my sister and her husband, then when neither of those things worked out, we decided to go to NYC for the weekend. That's when things started getting suspicious... We were both off for all 4 days, Thursday - Sunday. I was researching places to stay, and wanted to stay all 3 nights to maximize our time in Brooklyn. There's a lot of things I miss about living there, and visiting never seems long enough! The Gentleman said he only wanted to stay until Saturday, but didn't really have a reason why. That was clue #1. Over the next few weeks, while we were discussing what we wanted to do while we were up there, he mentioned he wanted to visit the Brooklyn Bridge. I was thrilled because I love the bridge, and hadn't walked over it since I lived there, and would love to go back. But he asked me some very pointed questions about the bridge that made me think he wanted to do more than just walk across it to sight see.

Question #1 - Is it loud on the bridge, like, can you have a conversation? #2 Are there places you can stop when you are on the bridge?

Ok, so maybe they aren't dead giveaways, but I definitely started thinking that the bridge was going to be more than just a brief visit on our weekend away. Then he mentioned that he wanted to save Joya (my most favorite Thai food in all the world - the location of many a date in this very blog!!) for Friday night (the same day we were going to the bridge!) and when I asked him if one of my best friends from Brooklyn could join us for dinner, he said he'd rather it be just us. Having a dinner just us wouldn't normally raise my suspicions, if we were celebrating something, but we were just going to Brooklyn to see my friends and favorite places... so why would it be so important to be just us?? I was on the right track for sure. The next clue actually came from my mom. She was going to Boston for the long weekend, and that was the main reason the Gentleman and I decided not to go. So when she tells me that she's no longer going to go visit my sister (who is 9 months pregnant and going to give birth to my first niece, and my mom's first grandchild - any week now) I was suspicious. My mom has been planning this trip to Boston for MONTHS. And she used the excuse that she would be just too tired from traveling the previous weekend to New Orleans, but I didn't buy it.

I obsessed for weeks, trying to decipher any clues that came my way to see if I could actually know for sure it was going to happen when I thought it was. I told many of my close friends, and they all told me not to get my hopes up, and it probably wouldn't happen when I thought it would. The final clue didn't come until just a week before it actually happened, when we were at a party at his sister and brother-in-law's house. We were chatting in the kitchen with some of their friends, when his sister's friend comes into the kitchen across the room from us, sees us, and shouts, "CONGRATULATIONS!" I looked at the Gentleman, he looked at the friend, back at me, and I said, "For what?" and she replied, "Aren't you guys engaged?" I replied that we were not, and the Gentleman made a comment how another person in the party had thought the same thing because of a post he had made on Facebook about a ring (not a wedding ring or anything suspicious at all... but ok....) and we kind of left it at that. I saw him talking to the friend who congratulated us later in the night, privately, but I already had my clue. She knew that we were getting engaged, obviously, and somehow got the date mixed up or information incorrect, and I was now 90% sure it was going to happen in Brooklyn, the following week.

That week was the LONGEST week of my life. I hardly slept. I dreamt about it. And it was pretty much all I could think about. I bought a new outfit. I got a manicure and pedicure, just to be prepared. Thursday, we headed up to Brooklyn, and even though I was almost certain, I had to keep telling myself NOT to be upset if it didn't happen. We spent a great first day in Brooklyn. We spend the day in Williamsburg, eating great food, drinking cool beers, visiting hipster bars and hangouts. It's not a neighborhood I frequented when I lived in Brooklyn, so it was pretty new for us both, and a lot of fun! I actually let him read some of the blog posts about him. (I had told him about the blog in February this past year, but he never really expressed any interest in reading it before.) Thursday was a great day, but of course I was just so anxious for Friday, I couldn't sleep. I woke up around 7, on my day off, showered, got ready, and was ready to go by 10 am. Little did I know that we weren't "scheduled" to be at the bridge until noon. So the Gentleman had to kill some time, but I provided him with a great excuse. My manicure that I had done (ON WEDNESDAY) was completely chipped and looked terrible. It was by far the worst manicure I ever had in my life. I wanted to go to the drugstore, buy nail polish remover, new nail polish and redo my nails myself. The Gentleman argued that buying all that would cost as much as just getting a new manicure (and it would kill some time for him!), so before heading over to the bridge, I got a manicure (that still looks great, btw) and he then realized that I probably had my suspicions, since I NEVER get my nails done. We went for a great brunch at a French cafe, boarded the subway and headed over to the Brooklyn Bridge. As we were going, I noticed him checking his phone a lot, and he seemed to be getting quieter the closer we got. By the time we actually got to the bridge, I was doing ALL the talking. We walked along, and it was a beautiful day so there were a lot of people on the bridge. It was a bit chilly, but I thought it was perfect weather. There are always tons of tourists on the bridge, so I wasn't really paying attention to anyone but the Gentleman, trying to point out landmarks, trying to gauge his level of nervousness. Anytime we stopped to look at something, I was anticipating "The Question." Finally we got down to the second tower of the bridge, closer to the Manhattan side. We were looking over at the Manhattan bridge, and this group of people who had been keeping pace with us for the entire time we were on the bridge stopped right where we were. We walked over to the other side of the bridge, and it happened. At around 12:30 pm, on 11/11/11, the Gentleman got on one knee and proposed on the Brooklyn Bridge. It was perfect. Beyond perfect actually. After he put the ring on my finger (a gorgeous blue diamond in a halo setting of white diamonds!), he introduced the people who had been following us/keeping pace with us the whole time as photographers he hired to capture the moment! It was incredible! We had a mini photo shoot on the bridge, then took some engagement pictures down in the park that has the span of the bridge in the back ground. It was everything I could have wanted. We walked around, took pictures, I stared at the ring, took more pictures, for about 2 hours. By 2:30, we were done, and I still hadn't called a single person to let them know, and I was already exhausted! We were meeting up with a friend of mine at 3:30 in Manhattan (I planned that before I knew what was going to happen that afternoon!), and we got there early, made our phone calls, sent our texts, and let the world know we were engaged! When my friend arrived, we got the 5 star treatment at the restaurant as soon as they found out. No 20 minute wait for our table. Free glasses of champagne. And tons of people congratulating us at the restaurant as the news spread. I was on cloud 9. The night only got better as we celebrated that night at an amazingly cool bar near where I used to live, and of course, dinner at Joya (with my friend there after all!), and our smiles stretching from ear to ear the whole night.

Day 2 of our engagement celebration was a whirlwind as well. We had lunch planned with one of my closest Brooklyn friends before we headed home. We stopped by my parents' house, stopped by a bar to meet up with my brother, traveled to another bar to meet up with another close friend for her birthday, visited my grandmother, and then our final stop of the evening was yet another bar, where the Gentleman had arranged for our families and friends to gather to celebrate our engagement. It was such a great night, complete with celebratory balloons, champagne, and photos of us around the bar where our party took place, it was a party filled with the love of those closest to us, sharing in our greatest joy.

3 days into being engaged, I still stare at my finger in disbelief. I am so excited to plan our wedding, but I am most excited that I have found the love of my life, and we are starting our lives together.

We are thinking January 5th or 12th, 2013, as our wedding date. I can not believe that I am planning a wedding, maybe I will blog about the process! :) i3rooklynbride.com? Maybe.

Where I'm going.

2010-06-16T23:25:00.003-04:00

A new design for the blog, both content and style.

I've been toying with the idea of abandoning the blog for a few weeks now. Things with the Gentleman are going well, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I don't think I have anything all that worthwhile to write about anymore. However, part of who I am inherently is a writer, I've always expressed myself best through writing, and I get a great satisfaction out of the written word. I've missed blogging (though I don't miss the bad dates that I would blog about) and always come back to it, even when I'm in a relationship. So instead of quitting, I'm just going to alter the content of the blog until I can figure out where this thing with the Gentleman is going.

I will tell you all though, the cutest story of how he asked me to be his girlfriend, officially. Now, I'll be honest, I've been referring to him as my boyfriend for at least 4 weeks prior to this conversation. I guess in my mind, when you're dating only one person, seeing them multiple times a week, communicating every single day, that person is in fact, your boyfriend - whether the DTR has happened or not. This past weekend, I had a dinner party of Friday at my house. I had my best friend and her husband over, along with my brother and his girlfriend. The Gentleman came over early, helped me in the kitchen (really just kept me company as I cooked), and just fit in seamlessly with my friends and family. He had met my friend and her husband before, but this was a more structured setting than hanging out in a the parking lot after getting some water ice! It was a fairly early evening, which I was grateful for, because I wanted to assure myself some alone time with the Gentleman before he left (we still have not done any overnights). After everyone went home, he graciously offered to help me with my dishes (which were a daunting task - took 2 days to get them done!) but I didn't want to spend precious time with him cleaning up. The dishes would be there tomorrow. As we're on the couch, making out, he stops and looks at me, and asks me if he can talk to me about something. He looked so serious, and sat up, pulling himself away from me. I got nervous because serious talks that need to be had sitting up are usually not the best sign. He starts off by mentioning the fact that we've been dating for 2 months now, how he enjoys spending time with me, and how he'd really like to see where this goes... so would I like to be his girlfriend? So. freaking. adorable. I responded that I thought I already was his girlfriend, and told him that I had been referring to him as my boyfriend for some time now, but of course I said yes.

I'm not going to lie. I like the title. I like knowing that he's my boyfriend. It settles my mind a bit that I know sort of where this thing is going. I feel a bit more relaxed and lot more confident in our relationship. Not that I ever really had great doubts about it, but while I am certain that he knows how I feel about him, he's a bit harder for me to read. It also ups the intimacy level a bit. Saturday we spent the day together - which we never get to do because he usually works during the day Saturday (except he just got a new job and will have a regular work schedule now, I'm so psyched!) but this past weekend he called out sick. We spent a really wonderful day together, and he came back over Sunday night after work. 3 days in a row is a new record. and I could get used to that. Sunday night I decided to up the ante a bit, and let him in on some things about me he didn't know. It was a risk, for sure, and I had no idea how he might respond. By far Sunday night was a sad night, not for anything bad, but we just talked a lot, the mood was much different than in night's past. He gave me the sweetest kiss goodbye, but my mind was already racing with the what-ifs. By the end of the day Monday, I had convinced myself that he wasn't going to want to date me anymore, and I started putting up my guard, downplaying the whole thing to other people.

If anything through this whole relationship I've learned is that I can't let a single crazy thought fester in my mind. It spirals out of control and before I know it, I'm creating self-fulfilling prophecies and the relationship is over. So, I decided to chill. He asked if I wanted to hang out on Tuesday, so we did. Last night was the same as it's always been, the connection was still there, the relationship is still growing. I was making mountains out of molehills, but thankfully this time I had enough sense to stop it, and take it as it comes.

So where do we go from here? One day at a time with the Gentleman is how I like it. I also like when he talks about doing things together in the near future, and sometimes in the distant future. It's enough to let me know that he has no eminent plans on breaking things off, but we're not naming our unborn children either. It's a healthy, steady pace. I remember the days of rushing things and jumping in head first, eyes closed, heart exposed. Those days were riddled with relationship angst. Worry. Wondering about my decisions and other people's actions. Not that this whole thing has been without the worry and wonder, but it's usually very minimal, and so far, 100% in my own head.

What will I blog about now that I'm "in a relationship" (although we didn't make it FB official - it still counts! His actually still says single... not that I stress about that!) There are plenty of ideas bouncing around my head that I can assure you it won't be long until you hear from me again.

Happy

2010-05-18T22:40:00.002-04:00

6 weeks ago, I decided I was going to start dating the guys that I chose for myself. I was going to email a slew of guys on match and date only the ones that I had already pre-selected for myself instead of dating the guys who picked me first. But there was just this one guy that had winked at me, and well, I might not have picked him because he was younger than me, or he didn't mention in his profile that he liked some of the things I did, or whatever reason I was using to pick guys, I might have overlooked him (actually I KNOW I would have, because I never searched guys younger than me.) But since he winked at me, just before I set my rule into effect, I figured why not. I emailed him, and then, 6 weeks later, here I am, dating one of the greatest guys I've ever met. If I had been so picky as to not respond to his wink because he was too young or whatever stupid reason I was choosing at the time, I would not be where I am today. And where is that, you might ask, I've been rather absent lately in the blog. But it's not without reason. In the past, I've made the mistake of fixating on every single issue and detail with a relationship. Did he text me enough times? Why didn't he call? What does it mean when he says/does...? Enough already. I'm really very content to not over analyze anything that is going on with the Gentleman. He treats me well, we laugh, we kiss, we are making progress. It's healthy and I'm happy. What else could I ask for?

And the past week has been great. From last week's blog until now, we've seen each other multiple times. It's all pretty much the same. We hang out, I've met a few more of his friends, he met a couple of mine. My friends loved him, and he thought they were awesome. Because they are. He fits. We fit. and while we haven't had the DTR, and I wouldn't refer to him as my boyfriend in front of him... I have been casually referring to him as my boyfriend to others (I hope he doesn't mind.) After 6 weeks, we're still getting to know each other. He surprises me with how amazingly intuitive and aware of me he is.

This reminds me of a book that has been fairly controversial in the dating world. It's called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. When I first read the title, I shuttered, settling? Isn't that everything I've worked against? If I wanted to settle I would still be with Mr. P, or even yet, I'd be MARRIED to my ex that I lived with who had a crazy family. Why would I ever read a book that was going to tell me to settle?? But, I was at the library, and it was right there in front of me, so I picked it up. And it's not about settling for someone who isn't good enough for you (and Mr. P and the ex I lived with were not good enough!), it's about looking past these "rules" that have no bearing on whether the person you are with is good enough. It would be if I didn't date the Gentleman because he was 2 years younger than me. It would be if I hadn't dated Mr. Perfect because he didn't have a 4 year college degree. It would be if I didn't date my ex that I lived with because he was bald. None of these things have any bearing on how good our relationship was/could be. These are reasons why people choose (and I've been guilty of this before) to not date someone or even respond to an email, because we have these preconceived notions of what we should have in our relationships. I've had a lot of what I thought I should have. And I've had a lot of what I thought I shouldn't have. And when it comes down to it, the should haves and shouldn't haves didn't make a difference in the end. In the end it came down to just one simple thing - does this person make me happy? At the end of all my previous relationships - I can safely say that I was not happy in those relationships, whether they were 2 months long or 2 years long. There was a lack of balance in ALL of my failed relationships. My two longest relationships, Mr. P and the ex I lived with, both break-up conversations started with the exact same sentence "I don't think you're happy in this relationship." (One time I was saying it, the other time it was said to me. Both times were true.) So, when I look back at the guys I could've married, or the guys I've dated, I don't think I've missed out. I don't think I've been too picky and to be honest, I feel like I'm finally on the right track. I'm not saying that the Gentleman is the "one" or anything like that, but I am saying that I've learned from past mistakes, and if nothing else, he makes me happy.

Exit Strategy

2010-05-09T15:00:00.005-04:00

There comes a time when you have to make a move. When something has to give. This weekend, unfortunately was NOT that time. The Gentleman and I are still going strong in the date and kiss goodnight area. Yes, the kissing goodnight lasts a great deal longer now than it did before, but I'm at the point where it needs to happen sooner. So I said something. Here's the story:

On Friday night, just a day after our nearly 12 hour date, we had plans to go see Iron Man 2 after I was done work. He had invited me on Wednesday, and had mentioned that we'd be going with his sister and brother-in-law as well. I was fairly nervous about meeting them, especially since he's told me that he's closest with this sister and I'm sure he values their opinion greatly. Not that I was worried about making a bad impression, but remember my previous experience with mothers and sisters isn't the best, and I do want them to like me. I'm pretty confident in my ability to make a good impression, but when it comes to families, I tend to be missing something crucial. I didn't want to mess this up so I definitely tried to grill my friend who knows his sister for some information, but all she could tell me was that they are the nicest couple and that I'll be fine. This didn't really ease my mind too much, but it turns out, she was completely right. We got to the theater after his brother-in-law and sister, and another couple (turns out it was a quadruple date, which was more than I bargained for!) were already waiting in line for seats. I was introduced around and I talked mostly to the Gentleman and his sister as we waited to go into the theater. Once we were in, and figured out the seating arrangements (at one point I was sitting in front of the Gentleman, in a girls in one row, boys in another weird seating arrangement, which just happened that way due to the way we walked into the rows, and that was quickly changed), I was sitting next to the Gentleman in the same row with his brother-in-law. My friend who knows him had mentioned that she thought I would get along really well him because we have very similar tastes in music and other things, and she was dead on. We talked about different beers we like, and music we're into, concerts we've seen/are going to see/want to see, and we did have a lot to talk about. He's going to see some concerts in the next few weeks that I've been really wanting to see, and he invited me to go along, with him and his wife. I think that might be a little weird at this point to go if the Gentleman doesn't go as well, but at the same time, I do really want to go...

The movie was ok, it was entertaining at least. And as we were leaving, I noticed the brother-in-law stop to talk to 2 guys at the end of the theater. Now, I should mention that the Gentleman and his brother-in-law both previously worked at the movie theater we went to and had been talking to people they knew all night - as we waited in line, walked into the theater, etc. I had said to the Gentleman that it was like being with a celebrity, since we could barely walk 10 feet without someone stopping him to say hi or give him a hug. So, I wasn't surprised when his brother-in-law stopped to talk to someone that he recognized on the way out of the theater, except I was surprised to see that I knew this person too... it was the guy who lives with his ex!! This really isn't a big deal, because I had run into him before (but I knew there was a chance I was going to see him when I went to the store where he worked), but we haven't really communicated at all in months. He didn't even notice me until we were all outside, trying to figure out what we were going to do next. He came over and gave me a hug, and we made small talk about the movie. And then he left with his friend. No big deal. I was worried that the Gentleman was going to ask me how I knew him, but he didn't. So, that ended up being a minor freak out on my part for no reason at all.

We went to the diner with the other 3 couples after the movie. It was a good time and I got to see him interact more with other people, which I think is a crucial part of getting to know someone. He still has yet to meet any of my friends, and I think that will be a good side of me for him to see soon. It was fairly late though, and I was fading fast. After no sleep on Wednesday night, and working a really long day on Friday, I was still fairly exhausted. We left the diner pretty close to 2:30, and he drove me home. Instead of just kissing me goodbye in the car, he walked me to my door (because he's a gentleman!!), and we proceeded to say goodbye for half an hour. It was late and he needed to get home, but we were having a hard time just saying goodnight and going. So I asked him what he was doing Saturday night after work, and he said he didn't have plans. So I invited him to come over after he was done working. I thought it was clear that the invitation was to continue where we were leaving off the night before, but maybe I should be clearer in my invitations.

We were texting throughout the day, and he mentioned that he couldn't stay all night, I knew what he meant. He meant there would not be a 3 hour goodbye like there was on Weds. I told him he should plan his exit strategy. This is something we've joked about before. When I'm in his car, the passenger door doesn't unlock automatically. So I have to sometimes unlock it myself, or wait for him. The first few times, I would wait for him to unlock it, until he told me that I could unlock it myself - not that I needed to, but if I wanted to. He wanted me to be able to get out in case of an emergency and it's good to know that I have an exit strategy if I need it. He's mentioned having an exit strategy before, in not parking behind me in my car, and with electrical fires (that's a long story). He's all about exit strategies, except for when it comes to leaving my house.

Saturday night, we met up for water ice at my favorite water ice place, I had built it up as being the best water ice he would ever have, so there was a lot of expectation there. Fortunately, he was a fan, because it is in fact the most delicious stuff ever made. We ate in my car because it was too cold and windy to eat outside, and we of course spent an hour talking in the car as well. We had two separate cars there because he came straight from work so we drove separately back to my place. Once there, we hung out on the couch, watched Betty White host SNL, and to my disappointment did not continue where we had left off the night before. As it was approaching 1:30, he mentioned that he needed to get home, so like the past few nights, this turned into a much longer goodnight than normal. And once we start kissing, I don't want him to leave, and I always end up fairly disappointed when he goes because I think face to face time (literally) is a crucial step to building a relationship that is going to be more than a friendship.

Since I think it's ridiculous and counter productive that we only kiss when it's time for him to go, I decided to say something... sort of. He always ends up staying longer than he wants to, but not wanting to leave, and I certainly don't make it easy for him to leave, so I told him that he needs to start saying goodbye as soon as he gets to my house. This way when he actually does need to go home, he can actually go (and we'll hopefully progress things along since it won't be right before he leaves). I may have mentioned this more than once during the hour we were "saying goodbye" last night. I also tried to get him to consider staying longer, unsuccessfully. I thought it was too dangerous with the wind and all for him to be driving home so late. Not really, but it sounded like a convincing argument. He left around 2:30, and I'll be seeing him again sometime this week.

Despite the stagnancy of the physical aspect, there is definitely progress in the relationship. The more I get to know the Gentleman, the more I like him. And every time we hang out, I learn something new or interesting about him. I'm sure this is a pretty stable way for things to progress, albeit slow. Yesterday was one month since our first date. This is the longest I've ever in my life dated someone and done nothing more than kiss. I'm sure that doesn't say much for me in the past, but it's somewhat refreshing for the present.

The Longest Kiss Goodnight.

2010-05-06T05:42:00.002-04:00

At first it seemed as if this date was going to be yet another same story, different date situation. Of course, this would not have been a problem, because I've come to terms that things will happen with the Gentleman the way that it's supposed to happen. After our date last week, we had texted back and forth all week/weekend. By Sunday, we still hadn't made plans to see each other during the week, and I wasn't going to stress it like I did the previous week. I sent him a text, asking him what he was up to this coming week, and he responded, "Hanging out with you of course..." which led us to make plans for this week, Wednesday night.

We went to dinner at a bar, and then for water ice right by my school afterwards. I need to get used to being near my work during non-work hours, and not convince myself that I will run into a student every single time! I didn't. Thankfully. We sat in his car for a while, talking, then drove back to my house. Once at my house, we sat on the couch and talked for a few hours. Played some bananagrams. And then he was going to leave. Yes, another night where we had a great time and had a lot of fun, but there was no physical action. At 2 AM, we stood awkwardly by each other for a few minutes until finally he leaned in to kiss me goodnight. And we didn't stop kissing about for 3 hours. We moved from the dining room, the couch, the kitchen, and finally the door. And it was a very long goodnight kiss. So I'm blogging this at 5:45, because there's really no point in going to sleep for less than an hour.

I think he planned to take things to the next level this date... for a few reasons. First off, when he made the plans for Wednesday, he suggested going to dinner then coming back to my house. Good sign. Then, when he got to my house, he emptied his pockets. This is something I'm used to guys doing, because it's fairly common practice before you make-out, you don't want your stuff falling all over the place, out of pockets, etc. So that was a good sign, and he definitely sat more openly towards me on the couch. But there was no moves made until just before he was about to leave (or at least that's what he said...) but he hadn't gotten his things back in his pockets yet, and hadn't made any attempt to leave.

He was a complete gentleman the whole time, and while we may be taking it up to a PG-13 level, it's definitely still very slow. While we were playing banagrams earlier in the night, he was taking his time putting his words together (which means he lost) and I was helping him use all his letters by the end of the game, he made a comment about how slow and steady wins the game (which it didn't in this case), and I responded by saying that I had been saying that a lot lately. He also made a comment earlier about how he's a very patient guy. I'm not anticipating this picking up a whole lot of speed in the near future, but it's great to know that things are moving forward, and he's definitely interested.

He invited me to the movies with his sister and brother-in-law for tomorrow night. I'm pretty excited and nervous at the same time. He also mentioned something that I should do with him, which wouldn't until be late summer. It makes me smile that he's clearly thinking I'll be around still then, and planning for me to be a part of things.

The Gentleman

2010-05-01T13:25:00.003-04:00

I am starting to feel a bit like a broken record after these dates... the dates are good, great even. I am having a really good time getting to know this guy, the dates are long and very entertaining. I smile a lot while I'm on these dates, and even more when I'm telling people about them. And it's my own fault for stressing the physical part so much, because it seems like the first thing anyone asks me is about the progress in that area, which I'm no longer sorry to say is still staying slow and steady. It's strange that I've grown to appreciate the end of the date because I know what to expect then. I don't just enjoy the end, but it's definitely something I look forward to! If nothing else, this guy has shown me the value of slowing things down.

We went out on Thursday night after a week of communicating solely through text messages. I have mixed feelings about texting. It's a great way to communicate quickly and effectively, but it always makes me second guess things, and I can spend way too much time analyzing and agonizing over texts that I'm sending or receiving. But, from Thursday of last week until Thursday this past week, we only communicated through texts. And we "talked" everyday, which is a good sign, I know. But of course I'm still highly aware of who texts who first/last/the most, and I know I need to get over, and I'm definitely working on it. He didn't ask to see me until Monday night, and I was getting nervous about how to bring up the topic of hanging out again if he didn't, but thankfully he did. So we planned to go mini-golfing on Thursday night, since it was going to be such a nice night.

Thursday night, he came and picked me up at my house. One thing I love is that he always comes to the door, even if he's not coming in. This isn't something that many guys I've dated before have done, and I think it's so sweet. He's definitely a gentleman (maybe that could be his blog name - the gentleman?? I'll test it out!) and does the little things that when someone doesn't do it, you might not notice or care, but when it is done, it's such a difference! So he picked me up at the door, and I think if I want to breech the physical contact before the end of the date, the beginning of the date is where I should start. I should have given him a hug or something... but I didn't. There's something about his nervousness that makes me nervous and I'm constantly second guessing things that would come as second nature to me. We played mini-golf, and I'm a terrible mini-golfer apparently. He's not much better, but we had a great time regardless of how bad we were doing. We didn't even keep score, thankfully, because I might actually be embarrassed if I knew how badly I actually did. After mini-golf we decided to get some dinner, and drove over to a small Italian restaurant across the street, which of course we stayed at until it was closing and we were the last ones there (we have a habit of doing this...), but it was the same good conversation, with lots of good questions and laughing and I feel like I'm really getting to know him before anything else gets in the way. What a concept. He asked what I wanted to do after we closed out the restaurant, and I invited him back to my house. It was fairly early, but still a school night for me, so I wasn't planning on staying up too late. 4 hours later, when all we've done is talk on my couch and it's nearing 3am, he decided it was probably time to go home. So, we kissed for a few minutes before he left and that's all. Really, it's the same story of every other date with just different activities leading up to the kiss goodnight. The whole date really was great, but if I had to pick a part that I wish would last a bit longer than it does, that would be it. Also, the other areas of the date were fairly long (an 8 hour date - with only 5 minutes of kissing!)

We did have more physical contact while he was at my house. At one point, we were talking about Tarot cards and palm readings for some reason, and he mentioned how he had his palm read once, and he was trying to explain what he remembered from that and of course he had to hold my hand to read my palm, that's a step in the right direction. Also, my dog was acting a bit crazy and jumping all over him, so I had to lean across him and try to get the dog to stop jumping on him... more accidental contact like that... but nothing concrete or intentional. It will happen, I'm sure, I'm just not sure HOW it will happen. Everyone has their ideas and suggestions, and trust me they all run through my mind while I'm in the situation to make it happen, it just doesn't feel natural, and I get nervous, so maybe I shouldn't force it. I do enjoy spending all this time with him, without the physical aspect clouding my opinions of him. I feel like I convince myself I like a lot of guys that I wouldn't normally because it's physically appealing. Keeping it slow and steady definitely eliminates that possibility, and everything I like about this guy is because he is truly someone that I am connecting with on every other level, the physical will happen in good time. He hasn't given me any reason to believe that he's anything but interested in continuing this, so I am willing let go of my own expectations of what "should" be happening by this point in the relationship, and just go with the flow.

The best part.

2010-04-22T17:08:00.003-04:00

I have criticized guys I've dated before for being "fast and furious" in the relationship department before. I have mentioned how fast things have moved before I actually wanted them too, or how I wish I could slow things down. Even when Google and I broke up he said that he wondered what would have happened if we had slowed down getting to know each other, and didn't rush into anything. I should be SO grateful right now that I'm dating a guy who wants to take things slow. And is in NO rush to make things physical right away. This is a good thing, I know. I'm enjoying all the time we've been spending together so far. To be honest, we've spent a good amount of time together, we've only been dating for 2 weeks and have had 5 really good dates so far.

This one is different. I don't know what it is, but there is something completely different about the way I am dating this guy. First of all, I'm relatively calm about it all. With the occasional crazy moment aside, I'm doing this however it feels right. Last night I invited him to come over to my house to watch a movie and have some pizza. There were total ulterior motives on my part. I wanted to make this move a little faster, and take the "getting to know you" up a notch. As you may remember with Google, I didn't invite him over to my house for weeks and weeks. I didn't want to wait that long with this one, nor did I see the necessity of waiting for him to plan a night that would put us in a more intimate setting. So, 2 weeks in, I invited him to my house. He got to my house around 8ish, and after me being super self-conscious about everything and apologizing for everything in my house (from my lack of food to my hyper-aggressive dog), he basically told me to stop apologizing for my house/dog/lack of whatever... he didn't care, and it wasn't why he was there - to judge my house. I don't know why I get so crazy self-conscious. My house was clean, it wasn't messy at all. I should have been a bit more confident. We ordered pizza, and I have to say, I'm very impressed that he's trying foods that he has never tried before. When we talked about food on our 3rd date he called himself a dull eater, but on the past 3 dates, he's tried something new every time. We ordered pizza with eggplant on it (which is breaded and fried - so it's not healthy at all!), and at first he was anti-eggplant, since he had never tried it before. I was fine with whatever he wanted to order, I'm really not picky at all when it comes to food. And I didn't want him to get stuck with something he didn't like. But he insisted that we order pizza with eggplant since it's my favorite. We had dinner, some beers, and just sat around and talked for 2 hours. At ten, I suggested putting the movie, and he had me pick from the 6 movies he brought over. I picked the one that he had mentioned was his most recent favorite, since I had never seen it, and it had an interesting sci-fi premise. If I really wanted to make it a better situation for something physical to go down, I should have picked a movie I had already seen and, at the very least, a comedy. But we watched this movie, which was ok, I didn't love it. We watched the WHOLE movie, with little to no physical contact throughout. By the end of the movie we were sitting close enough that we were touching, but not in an intentional way. We stayed on the couch and let the dvd menu loop over and over while we talked for another 3 hours. Yup, just talked. He asked me some interesting questions about my past relationships (he asked if Mr. P had ever lived with me in my house) and if I thought I wanted kids. That one caught me WAY off guard. I stammered and stumbled, and said I didn't know, which is true. I am on the fence about kids. I think eventually I will have one or two, but for now, I can't imagine it because I'm not in that stage of my life. I wonder if he thinks because I'm older, I'm on a different timeline than he is, and wants to get these "crucial" questions out of the way early on! I felt kind of put on the spot, but he basically said the same thing as me, he's on the fence when it comes to kids too. Interesting question for a 5th date when we haven't even kissed so far that night.

So, by 3 am, he had been at my house for 7 hours, and I was practically falling asleep. I had to be up in 3 hours or so for work, and have a youth group convention ALL weekend. It was not the best idea to start this weekend on a sleep deficit. He gets his things to leave, I get him his jacket, and he gets his movies, and it's just... well... awkward for lack of a better term. At this point we had hung out for so long without any real contact, how was this going to end? I walked him to my door, and then out the door he stops on my porch and turns to me. I went outside still not sure how we were going to part, and he says, "wow, I'm so awkward." Which, maybe he is when it comes to making a move, but it's kind of endearing. And then we kissed goodbye, it was a long and lingering kiss, like all the ones before. It feels like it's getting more intimate with the kissing, I just wish it would happen a bit sooner in the date. I like kissing him, and wouldn't mind doing a bit more of it. For all the socially awkward guys I've dated before, and let's be honest, there have been a SLEW of them, this guy is the LEAST socially awkward. But when it comes to being able to make a move, he takes the cake.

I think this is going to have to be my move. Clearly inviting him over for dinner and a movie wasn't enough of a gesture to let him know that I want more than just a kiss goodnight. Besides this one thing, it's pretty amazing. We have a good time together, can talk for hours, laughter comes easy. Why do I want to rush it? I should take this slow and steady and recognize something good when I have it. Getting to know someone you like is the best part of the beginning and moving too fast has only messed things up in the past, taking things slow may just be the change I need.

That's what she said.

2010-04-18T01:12:00.007-04:00

I'm home from the 4th date, it's barely past 1 am, and while I know that's fairly late for a date... I had higher hopes for it lasting longer. As far as time spent on this date, this was by far the shortest date I've had with this guy - 3 hours to be exact. I'm not trying to focus on what didn't happen, because overall it was a really good, fun date. I was just hoping at this point to maybe kick it up a notch.

After our fantastic 3rd date, we had talked about hanging out over the weekend. By Friday, when we still didn't have plans (despite texting back and forth on Thursday), I was wondering what our plans would actually be, but I didn't want to press. Eventually, I did text him, to see what he was thinking regarding plans, and he texted me back almost immediately with Saturday night when he got done work, and then he came up with bowling. Originally, we were going to go to the bowling alley that was really close to my school, and I was worried about running into students there. But I let him make the plans, it would seem silly if I asked him to change them just because I didn't want to run into people I knew. So we agreed that we'd meet there at 9:30ish. It was the first time that he didn't offer to come pick me up at my house first, and that was noted, as much as I wish it weren't, any change in behavior is something I'm usually quick to pick up on. He sends me a text mid day today (Saturday), telling me that his best friend works security at the bowling alley, and if I want to, I could meet him. Hmm... that was weird, would I really say no to meeting his friend? It just made me really nervous, I almost wish he hadn't let me know ahead of time.

I got to the bowling alley before he did, and waited outside for him. He showed up just a few minutes after me, and we headed in. It was packed due to some parties, and it was going to be almost an hour wait for a lane. Instead of waiting, he introduced me to his friend, and then we decided that we'd go elsewhere to bowl for the night. I chose a bowling alley that's a little bit further away, and definitely way trendier when it comes to bowling alleys. We decided to take one car, and instead of leaving my car in the seedy bowling alley parking lot, we drove over to his work, and left my car in the parking lot there. From there, we drove over to the bowling alley in his car, which made me feel better about the whole one car versus two from earlier. Silly, I know.

We get to the bowling alley, get our lanes, and no sooner do we sit down and start putting on our shoes, do I notice some people in the lanes next to us who look familiar to me. It's not until I see my aunt that I realize that it's my uncle's 50th birthday party going on, right next to me. Well, if I was nervous about meeting this guy's best friend, at least he didn't throw me in the midst of a family member's birthday party. Of course, I go over and give my aunt a hug and say hello, and wish my uncle a happy birthday. It was slightly awkward. Ok, if I were my date, I'd probably be WAY uncomfortable, but he handled it like a champ. We bowled 3 games, and my only problem with bowling as a date with just 2 people, is it's hard to have any kind of consistent conversation. We managed fairly well, I think. There was good banter, some playful teasing, and lots of "that's what she said" moments. I think bowling just calls for it. There's too much that can be taken out of context in a bowling alley that is borderline questionable. It was fun, he beat me 2 out of 3 games, despite his claims that he's a terrible bowler. It's possible that I'm just a horrific bowler, but I broke 100 on 2 of those games (came damn close with a 99 the other game). It was a lot of fun, and he even branched out and tried some new food again, this time it was hummus. And he liked it. Wooohoo for food adventurousness.

He drove me back to my car after the bowling alley, we chatted about music mostly. When we got back to my car, it was a fairly awkward goodbye still. There was no mention of hanging out again, but then he kissed me when I was leaving. And we kissed for a few minutes in his car, then...I left. No "let's do this again soon" comments. So this leaves me to wonder if I misread any of the signals, if he's not interested in seeing me again, or if I'm just totally overreacting here. My guess is I'm overreacting, because besides him actually saying he wants to see me again - all signs point to yes, we'll probably do this again. I would like though the next time we hang out to be a bit more intimate, maybe I'll invite him over to my place to watch a movie or something. Something where it does not have to be a car/awkward goodbye, and maybe we can amp up the physical connection before the moment I'm leaving for the night. Everything else about this seems to be going exactly as it should. I'm not sure why it has to be so hard. (That's what she said.)

Start of Something Good.

2010-04-15T17:12:00.004-04:00

3 dates in less than a week. I think the last time I had this many dates with a guy at the beginning was when I first started dating Mr. P. This is a good sign, and I'm clear on the fact that he's interested in me for sure. Last night was our 3rd date, and I'm very proud of myself that I did not sacrifice going to spin class to go on the date earlier. It was tempting, yes. But it was the last 90 minute spin class I can go to for a few weeks, so I really wanted to make sure I was there. He was off of work all day yesterday, and normally, I would have canceled going to spin so that I could see him earlier. But I need to not give up things I want to do to go on dates - this has never worked well for me in the past - so I told him I could hang out after 8.

On our previous date, we talked about the movie Hot Tub Time Machine and how we both wanted to see it. So, it made sense that we'd go see that, but that meant going to a late movie, on a school night for me. He offered to do another night, but I was fine with a late night. He didn't have to work the next day either (he's off weds-friday) so we stuck with the original plan of Weds night. He came over to pick me up around 8ish, and since the movie wasn't until 10:30, we decided to get some food first. We went to dinner at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants that's in the town that he lives in, yet has never been there, it was a necessity! In terms of food adventurousness, he's not. I am. Although he shared food well, which is a plus, and he was willing to try what I ordered, even though it was a bit more adventurous than what he ordered. We continue to have great conversations, lots of laughs, and just enough chemistry to keep it flirtatious. After dinner we headed over to the movie theater, where we were basically the only people there. My favorite part of the night was in between dinner and the movie. We were in his car, talking and listening to music. At one point, he turned up a song that was on, and mentioned that it was his favorite part of the song. It's a song I've heard before, but never really listened to all that well. But listening to it, through someone else's recommendation always makes me a little more susceptible to hearing it differently. I'm not sure why I liked that moment so much - something about him, sharing a part of a song that he really liked was just a nice connection. There were other moments in the car that were up there later on, but for some reason that was my favorite.

The movie was fun, with lots of laughter, and very enjoyable. If you haven't seen it - you should.

After the movie, he drove me back home. It was fairly late, and of course I was thinking about work in the morning. At my house, we were sitting in his car, saying goodnight. I wasn't sure how to do the awkward car goodbyes. He starts by saying how much he's enjoying spending time with me, and how I make him laugh (yay!) and that even though he hasn't dated much recently - he's really enjoying this - and asks if he can see me again. Of course. Yes. And then he kisses me. It was a great end to the date.

Things are going well. We're going to go out again this weekend. It's the beginning of... something. Not sure what, but hopefully the start of something good! I'm of course hesitant because of how things turned out after such a strong start and quick fizzle with Google, but I refuse to let someone else's baggage affect something good in my life. I'm going to stay hopeful, and keep enjoying this one day at a time.

Good Stuff.

2010-04-12T15:53:00.003-04:00

I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't been really looking forward to last night's date. A lot. I had a lot of fun things planned for this weekend, but I was MOST looking forward to Sunday night, at 9:30... that's a rare thing. Sunday nights are dreaded times, as the weekend comes to an end and the work week starts. But last night couldn't come soon enough! I had a lot packed into this weekend, work, a game night at my house which required lots of cooking and cleaning on my part, & youth group stuff. Throughout all of this, I probably averaged about 4 hours of sleep a night starting Thursday night through last night.

I was obviously very interested in this guy after our first date, and wanted to see him again. My friends made sure I knew NOT to text/email him first, I'm going to play this one by the rules, no matter how much I want to otherwise. Friday, I was tempted to text him, but I didn't. Around 2:30, I was in my friend's classroom, in the midst of telling her the date story, and he sent me a text. There was much squealing and giggling as we texted back and forth, setting up a date for this Sunday night. He works until 9:30, Saturday - Tuesday, so we decided on Sunday night, later, at the bar that is very close to my house (close enough that I walked there!)

So Sunday night 9:30 finally rolls around, and I was really tired, but excited at the same time. I headed over to the bar, and he was driving up just as I was getting there. I don't remember if we hugged or not, or if we just walked into the bar... the beginning of the date is kind of fuzzy in my mind. I'm not sure if it was because I was tired or because I cared more this time, but I felt like I wasn't being as good of a conversationalist. But we ended up staying there for a good 3 and a half hours, talking. So it couldn't have been so bad. By 1:15, I knew I had to get home as it was a school night, and it wasn't a good idea already to start the work week on a sleep deficit. So, as we're leaving, he asks if he can walk me home. Seriously!! He ASKED if he could walk me home. It was so sweet. Of course, it was late, and not that I live that far, but it was such a simple, yet sweet, gesture. If I hadn't already liked him, I would have after that. So he walks me home, and gives me a slightly awkward kiss good night (what first kiss isn't??), but it was interrupted by my dog barking at us through the window. I started laughing, and he asked me if I was laughing at him or the dog. I assured him that it was the dog, and definitely NOT him. He asked me what my plans were for the week, and when I'd be free to hang out again. I mentioned being free on Friday. He asked if I was free anytime before then, during the week. We have plans for a 3rd date on Wednesday night. And I'm looking forward to it just as much as the 2nd.

Right now, I'm doing my best to not project. Or set expectations. I wish I could say I'm not getting my hopes up, but they are. There's more good stuff to come, hopefully.

Kick-Ass.

2010-04-09T02:16:00.004-04:00

Once upon a time, there was a boy with whom I was very much infatuated. This lasted me on and off throughout college, post-college, and into the beginning of my New York days. I look for parts of him in all the guys I date, and when I compare guys to anyone, it's usually this one. So, tonight, when I found his almost exact counterpart on a very surprising date - I was all the more pleased and very very happy about it.

Tonight's date was going to be the last of my "they chose me" dates before my social dating experiment for the month of April. This guy winked at me on match - which to me says, I like your profile, but maybe not enough to send the first email, it's kind of passive. But it's a safe way of putting yourself out there without a whole lot of rejection if the other doesn't respond. I'm over being a passive dater. Normally, I'd just wink back, but I liked what I read, so I emailed him. We exchanged some emails, had a 2 hour long phone conversation, and scheduled our first date for tonight. I don't normally do dinner and a movie for a first date. I don't necessarily believe it really allows you to get to know another person, and while it can provide a good outlet should you need a break from an awkward date, I don't usually do it. It's not even part of my dating repertoire. However, tonight was the only night we both had free for this date, and I had these free passes to a screening of the movie "Kick-Ass," so I offered the movie as an option, but would have been fine if we had ended up doing something else. We decided to meet for dinner before hand, and then go see the movie. It's not that I wasn't looking forward to the date, I just haven't had the best luck these days on my dates, and I didn't know if I could handle another disappointing date. So I went into it with no expectations - and well, it turned out so much better than I could have even imagined.

We met up around 6 for dinner. Like our conversation on the phone, it was quick and natural from the get-go. There was a lot of conversation, and hardly a dull moment. I can't remember being at a loss of words, and he was engaging and funny, and before you knew it - an hour and a half had passed. We decided to take one car over to the movie theater (even though we could have just walked) and he drove us over. The movie was fun and light, and not a bad date movie, even for a first date. It wasn't awkward like I thought it might be, and there was no physical contact. After the movie, he asked if I wanted to go home or do something else - like get some coffee. I opted for the coffee option (this is why I'm up blogging at 2:30 on a school night!) and we headed over to the diner. I had coffee and carrot cake, he had some apple pie, and we ended up closing the diner, talking more. It felt like time was moving very fast. He drove me back over to the restaurant where my car was from earlier. We ended up spending another half an hour or more in his car, just talking about everything from music to old tv shows. We talked about doing something again, and we parted, still without any physical contact, but I left feeling pretty good about the date.

5 and a half hours (2 of which were spent in a movie - so 3.5 hours of actually dating time) is a pretty substantial first date. I like just about everything I know about this guy. He lives in the town where I work, he knows some of the same people I know. He is smart, and funny, and exactly my kind of cute. I'm not projecting, and I don't want to get my hopes up, but I would definitely be interested in seeing where this could go.

My Terms

2010-04-03T18:36:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago, when the phone guy bailed on our date to go drinking in NYC, my friend told me that I had to deal with the situation on my terms. I read her comment, and I thought to myself, you know, I don't really know what my terms are. When it comes to my life outside of dating, I know what I will and what I won't do, I know my limits, and I know how to make things happen for myself. I'm not afraid to put myself out there job-wise, socially, academically. I live my life on my own terms, except when it comes to dating. There are obviously times when I get pushed to my limit, and there are definitely things I don't like... but when I tend to like a guy, regardless of what I know is best, I tend to bend my terms to suit what I think the other person wants.

I'm trying something new, dating on my terms. I'm going to pick the guys I date, not the other way around. I'm going to make my terms in a relationship a priority, and not settle for anything less than what I want. This also inspired the jdate blog contest entry, which I will post, but not until after the contest is over... as per their rules, not mine. Here is the basic gist of what I wrote about:

I have two friends who have met their now (and soon to be) husbands online and who have both given me the same advice, time and time again when it comes to online dating. Date only the men that you pick, and that way you already know you like them. I've been told this now for at least a year. And it's good advice, I know that. But I haven't done anything about it yet.
I know my biggest fear is being rejected. And sure it stings a bit when you send someone an email and they don't write back, but it stings a hell of a lot more when you date the wrong guy for months/year, and realize that he was all wrong. Rejection online is nothing personal, the person you're emailing knows very little about you. When you are out with friends, you meet people and you might get to know them or you might not, you may give them your number and they might never call. (This is not so different than sending an email and getting no response!) If I email 15 guys and only 5 write me back, sure I got rejected 10 times, but I also have 5 potential dates lined up, which if you ask me, is better than waiting around for 5 guys who might be what you want to email you. It's pretty passive the way I've been dating, it's time to take some action!

That's pretty much the gist of what I wrote about for the contest. And more than that, it's my newest dating challenge. Starting tomorrow (eeks!) I'm going to email anywhere from 5-10 guys a week on match (I only have 4 weeks left, unless I want to pay again.) and see what my return rate is. I think this will be an interesting social experiment that I'm willing to take on. I need to move forward, this is the best time to make something happen, on my terms.

Some of my terms:
College educated (preferred), creative, interested in music/biking/photography/cooking or any of my other new found loves. Likes to travel. Not severely depressed (oh wait, people don't put that in their profiles, do they??) Wants kids. Has friends. Likes dogs.

These aren't set in stone, obviously. But it should be fun to see what I can yield. In all of my years of dating online, I've only ever dated guys who emailed/contacted me first, as the Smiths say better than I can, good times for a change.

"Good times for a change
See, the luck I’ve had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me get what I want
This time

Lord knows, it would be the first time."

Topeka!

2010-04-02T09:46:00.004-04:00

For those of you who didn't see Google's (the company!) April Fool's switch, they changed their company logo for the day to "Topeka" and ran a whole story about how they were changing their name to Topeka, since the city in Kansas (coincidence??) offered to change their name to Google. It was cute, and I used it in my class as an April Fool's joke that their Doodle4Google contest entries had all been disqualified because they didn't say "Topeka."

So, this is a blog about Google, not the company, and not the city in Kansas, and unfortunately, it's not a joke.

When you live in a city of millions of people, you don't ever expect to run into anyone that you know unexpectedly. When I lived in Brooklyn, I always thought I would run into someone I had dated, on the subway, on the street, wherever. I lived a block away from my ex-boyfriend for months and not once did I run into him unexpectedly. NOT ONCE. I would pass his house daily on my walk home, and I never once saw him without it being my choice.

So I move to a smaller city (actually, I'm outside the city, but that's neither here nor there), and I expect the same rules to apply. I won't run into anyone unexpectedly, because the odds of that happening are stacked pretty high. And before last night, I had never run into anyone that I've dated before, with the exception of that one time I ran into my HS ex while I was dating Mr. Perfect. I always envision these things going a certain way in my mind. And it always has me being cool and calm and confident. Of course, because I am these things, when I haven't been drinking for 5 hours at 5 different bars...

Last night was the Philadelphia Bunny Hop bar crawl, this includes about 12 different bars in the Fairmount area. My co-worker mentioned it, and my first thought was, Oh well that's where Google lives, I probably shouldn't go. But then I thought about all the times I have been out and haven't run into anyone and there were a TON of people going to this thing (even Steve Ward from Tough Love was there!) So, I went. And my friends and I had an incredible time, although it solidified why I hate meeting people in bars. At one bar, some guy grabbed my ass and told me I was too innocent. Uch. Seriously, skeevy. And who does that work on?? I'll stick to emails for now, thank you very much. But we drank and drank, and wandered up and down Fairmount to 4 different bars. By the end of the night our crowd had dwindled to just 3 of us, and one was very drunk. We opted to go to a smaller, less crowded bar off of the main stretch of Fairmount, because we'd be able to sit and get our friend some food! So we head over to Lucky 7's. I knew ahead of time that Google occasionally went to this bar, but he also frequented about half of the bars on the list (we were between that one and the Belgian, and for some reason I thought he'd be more likely to be at the Belgian.. it's closer to his house), and by this point it was after midnight. I didn't expect if he was out at any given point during the night, he'd still be.

We get to the bar, and like I expected, it was much less crowded, and as we're walking past the windows to the door, I see him. I saw him before we even walked into the bar. My one friend had convinced me earlier that if I did see Google over the course of the night, it was for some reason. Unfortunately, it wasn't to show him how cool and calm and confident I've become since we've broken up. At this point, we either had to go to this bar (it was so far from all the others, we were not going to be able to walk back to the other smaller bars) or go home. We went into the bar. Now, over the course of the night I had adopted my friend's bunny ears. A lot of people were wearing ears, so this wasn't a big deal, but the ones I was wearing lit up and were green and sparkly. They drew A LOT of attention all night. Every bar we went to, they got comments along the lines of "Those are the best and biggest pair I've seen all night" with a wink and smiles and double entendre glances towards my breasts. (Another reason why I hate meeting people at bars.) So, I knew walking into the bar, we'd be noticed. And we were, but maybe not right away by Google. This is not a situation I should be in while I am drunk. I can manage friendly conversations while I am not wasted, but I had never been in this situation so I didn't know what to do. I was trying hard not to be noticed, but at the same time, I wanted him to know that I was there. Catch-22. At some point, someone in his group noticed me and it turned into a very high-school-ish situation. I knew they were talking about me, and I'm sure he knew I had seen him and was trying very hard not to make look like I had not. A guy who had been standing with Google's group of friends (I knew about half of the people he was there with - neighbors, new year's, etc.) but this guy I didn't recognize and hadn't met him before. He was waiting for the bathroom and started talking to me and my friends in the meantime. He made no indication that he knew who I was, so that was good. Another friend of Google's comes over not long after that, and goes to open the bathroom door, but there was someone in there. I told him that there was someone in there, and the guy gave me a weird look. It was unnerving because I didn't really remember meeting this guy, but he looked familiar. I knew he was with Google's group of friends, so I figured I had just seen pictures of him. I gave him a weird look back and he said, yes, you know me. You're E____, my friend's ex-girlfriend. I knew that he knew who I was, but I still wasn't giving him any confirmation that I knew who he was. So he goes on, you know, you dated Google, we met at his house. At this point I give some sort of acknowledgment, and confirm that I remembered him now, from the night of the Super Bowl. He goes on to say that he'd give me a hug, but that would be weird since I'm his friend's ex and all. That's weird. Why would he hug me? I met him all of one time for about 20 minutes while we watched the end of a tv show, on the last night that Google and I were actually dating (the last good date before all the snow came and changed things!). I didn't know how to respond to that, so it was a good thing that the bathroom opened up at that point and he went in. When he came out, I watched as he went over and talked to Google, very obviously about me. I was considering at this point if I should just go over and talk to him. This was silly, we both knew the other one was there, and we're both adults. There's no reason why we can't have a civil conversation. Except, when I looked back to gauge if it was a good time to go over and say hi, Google was at the table MAKING OUT WITH A GIRL. It was like being slapped in the face. Seriously, a guy who could not show affection towards me in front of his friends EVER was making out with someone at a bar. It stung, and I turned away very quickly before any of them could see me cry. I did cry with my back turned but I'm sure some of them noticed. I was drunk, and my emotions were running a bit rampant. Tears were my instinctual response. I wish I could have been bold and walked out, or even crazy and threw my drink on him, or something other than just deeply hurt. I don't care who you are, or what you've done to me, if my ex-boyfriend was at the same bar as me, randomly, and I knew that, I would NEVER make out with someone in front of him. I think it's just hurtful, and mean. He knew that would hurt me. I don't think he was thinking about it, he was probably thinking about getting laid, but still, it doesn't change the situation.

I don't know if he's dating the girl, or if it was a friend of one of his friends (she was sitting with their group, but he wasn't talking to her at all until long after I was there - which is much more typical of how Google treats girls he dates, at least towards me.) but he left with her. As he was leaving (I was not looking over there - my friends told me this after he left), he apparently tried to leave out the side door, I guess so he wouldn't have to walk past me. As he's walking out the door, my friends are yelling names at him, which I wouldn't have done, I would have rather just let it be. But he was gone, with a girl, and some of his neighbors and friends were still there. And I could feel them watching me, but at this point, what could I do. I wasn't going to have a big reaction. There's nothing to do.

When we left the bar, nearing 2 AM, I immediately deleted his phone number out of my phone. And I need to put Google behind me. I don't even think I could be friends with someone who would do that to a person that claim they care about. He was the one who has repeatedly said we should be friends. But I can't figure out for the life of me at this point how that could ever work.

4 hours of my life

2010-03-28T22:43:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure that when I leave a date and I calculate the amount of time I've spent on the date that I'll never get back in my life, it's not a good sign.

So I had been communicating with this guy for a long time, maybe 3 weeks. And we had exchanged long, detailed emails, very reminiscent of the emails I exchanged with the guy who lived with his ex, except without the humor. I was hoping for the same connection with this guy like I had with the guy who lived with his ex, because of all the guys I've dated this year, he was the one I had the best personal connection with, conversationally at least. So, since this was reminding me of those early emails, I was hoping that our first date was going to be just a good. Unfortunately not.

We met up at the Iron Hill Brewery, which I had been to on a few dates previously this year (Phillies writer & the Bad Kisser), and it reminds me slightly of Google as well... but that's another story for another time. Anyway, we agreed to meet inside, and he was there before me. When I walked in, I recognized him and walked over to him. He says, "hey, I know you!" I guess as a friendly greeting, but no... not really, he doesn't. And he gives me a great hug and kiss on the cheek. It was very friendly and affectionate. It made me slightly uncomfortable, and I could tell he was nervous, so that made it even weirder! So I asked if he wanted to get a table or sit at the bar, and he said a table, so I thought he meant a table in the restaurant. So we stood around for a little bit, I thought maybe he had already put his name in, and we were just waiting. And after about 2 minutes of small talk, he says, so let's go get that table. Um.. ok, and we end up sitting at one of the high top tables at the bar. To me, that's sitting at the bar... but ok. I'm not going to say anything, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference. What does make a difference is that every single time I start telling a story, or say ANYTHING, this guy not only interrupts me, but starts telling a story that I can tell he thinks is related, but has completely nothing to do with what I was talking about. Maybe if he'd let me finish one of my thoughts, he'd see that. But probably not.

We have dinner, and drinks, and the time is passing just fine. Until about an hour and a half into the date. First I think I have something in my hair. He keeps looking at my hair/shoulder instead of making eye contact. It was so bizarre. He continued to do that for the duration of the date, and it was making me self conscious. I don't think I had anything in my hair, and if I did, he should mention it, not stare at it and make me uncomfortable! At that point, I'm just done. I was tired from a long work weekend, and the date started to feel like work itself. That is NOT a good sign. At some point, I'm not sure when, he started talking about past relationships, and bad dates that he's been on. And asked me about some of mine. I know the rules of dating, and if you want something to work out, you DON'T bring up past dates during a date... but I have no intention of making this work, so I'm game. And to be honest, this is the only question I think he asked me all night. No joke, the rest was just him talking about himself... The. Entire. Night. So, I tell him the makeup story (first blog ever!) and the Christmas Eve bowling story, but of course I don't even get through the whole story of that one because he has his own story that is completely unrelated.

After 4 hours of sitting and basically just listening to this guy talk, I was done. I don't even think I made a reference to the time, I just stood up and announced that I had to go. It was rather abrupt for such a long date. But I couldn't take it anymore, I was so tired and felt like I might snap if I sat there for much longer. We walked outside, and it was raining so I said we should say goodbye there, instead of at the car. He asked if I wanted him to take me to my car, which I told him I would be fine, and thankfully a guy came outside at that moment to smoke, spoiling any chance this guy had at making ANY kind of move. So I got the same hug and kiss on the cheek that I got when I first got there, and we parted ways. It was a long date at the end of a very long week.

The weird thing is I think this guy thinks the date went well. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks there is a chance for another date, although his work schedule and my weekend schedule probably won't allow for that happen anyway! For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually grateful that I have a work schedule that creates weekend conflicts.

For those of you who don't know, I'm currently training for my first triathlon. It's just a sprint, but it's something that is taking up a lot of my time, and when I'd rather be at the gym than on a date, that's a sure sign that it's time to take a break. Although I say that all the time, and it never happens. So we'll see, there may or may not be dates in the future. I'm talking to a couple, that may or may not pan out into dates!

In the bag!

2010-03-25T21:49:00.005-04:00

So, it's been rather slow on the dating front, but I'm really busy with work (all three jobs are in full effect this weekend, although there will be a date on Sunday.)

This is a different kind of post. Jdate is having a contest to be the next Jblogger! I can do this, I've been blogging about jdates for AGES. or 4 years. but it feels like AGES. I've been a jdate subscriber on and off for years, and have lots of stories. The only thing you get out of this contest is a position as a Jdate blogger, and a free Jdate subscription (my mom's dream come true!) So, what do I have to lose? I'm going to go for it. The only problem I have is I don't know what story to tell, or should I write something new?

Anyway, I'm asking you guys, my readers, people who know my stories, who have been there with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly (!!), which jdate story I should go with? "Jdate does not stand for Jesus date" "Maybe he's born with it" (the one that started it all!) or any of the other ones throughout the years... Or something completely different. Please let me know, either here or on Facebook or Twitter or however you follow me (or in person, if I see you!)

The entry needs to be in by April 2nd, I'll post it here once it's written!

A Perfect End.

2010-03-21T21:55:00.003-04:00

A perfect end to a perfect weekend. This weekend was up there as far as weekends go in my life currently. I went to an AMAZING show on Friday, spent time at the beach, had a great time with friends, lots of laughter, smiling and sunshine. Overall, a stellar weekend. However, that's not what this post is about. I never really blogged about the break up between me and Mr. Perfect. As we are upon the anniversary, I thought it was due time I told that story.

One year ago today (as in the Sunday of this weekend - date-wise it was actually a year ago tomorrow) I made the hardest decision I ever had to make. Ever. I knew that things with Mr. Perfect were not going well. It was the day after my best friend's wedding. I was a bridesmaid, and it was, by no bias of my own, a gorgeous wedding. It was probably one of the warmest, most loving weddings I've ever been to, and had the privilege of being a part. As I stood up there, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what my friend has, is what I want. And when I looked out into the seats where Mr. Perfect was seated amongst my parents, other boyfriends/significant others (of people he knew!), and saw him basically scowling at the entire thing, I knew right then, this would never be for us. I had to make a choice that night, do I give up what I want (a husband who loves me enough to profess it in front of a room full of our family and friends, a connection that runs deeper than the words that are spoken, a person who will be by my side in the best of times and the worst of times) or do I break up with him? I didn't fixate on that during the wedding or the reception because there was no way I was going to let him ruin a beautiful day.

After the reception, a lot of the couples were staying at the hotel. I opted to not stay at the hotel for financial reasons, and the drive to the hotel would be just as long as the drive back to my house. Since Mr. Perfect doesn't drink, I wasn't worried about how we were going to get there... so we were just going to come to the brunch the next day from my house. We decided to actually go to the hotel for a little bit, for the after party, and to hang out with some of my friends who had come in from NYC and I don't get to see all that often. I sat and socialized with my friends, while Mr. Perfect stood around, and was miserable as usual. I had mentioned to a friend of mine from high school who was there that night that I had been thinking about breaking up with Mr. P. My friend is dating a girl who has social anxiety, and does not like to be in large crowds of unfamiliar people, and actually was not at the wedding. He really tried to convince me not to break up with Mr. P. When you have a friend, who barely knows your boyfriend, trying so hard to convince you to not do something, well your mind must already be made up. I think both Mr. P and I knew this was coming, we just weren't sure how to get there. Timing sucks, always, with these things. I knew I wasn't going to do it before the wedding, I just didn't know how soon after it was going to happen.

On our way back to my house, Mr. Perfect says to me that he has to go to his parents house tomorrow for his brother's birthday so he won't be able to stay at my place after the brunch. I thought this was a little bit strange, the way he worded it. Because last year, I met his family on his brother's birthday, and I wasn't being invited to dinner this year? That struck a nerve with me, but I was tired, and I didn't want to fight, so I didn't mention it. In the morning, we went to the brunch, which was like a mini reception from the wedding, with all the people who I knew I wasn't going to see until next year's camping trip most likely. I wanted to talk with them, and touch base, but I could feel the weight of Mr. Perfect dragging me down. I had to sit with him, at least until he was talking to someone else that he felt comfortable with, I couldn't move too far away, I had to keep one eye on him, all while I tried to enjoy myself. At one point, I think we were getting ready to leave, one of the other bridesmaids said casually to me, oh so you're going to Mr. P's parents house now for his brother's birthday, right? I was a little confused, I guess Mr. P told her what he was doing for the rest of the day, and failed to mention that I wasn't going. That brought back the feelings from the night before of being uninvited to this family event, and I just was not feeling good. We left shortly there after, and Mr. Perfect had to drive me back to my car which was at my friend's house from the day before. While we were in the car, I asked him why I hadn't been invited to his parent's house for his brother's birthday. I knew his parents didn't not invite me, so he must of just told them that I wouldn't be coming. He responded that he didn't think I would want to come and that I'd be busy. And I responded, but you didn't even invite me... you told me what you were doing, and I wasn't a part of that. At this point we're at my friend's house, in front of my car. He goes to give me back my key, and I faltered, the whole key thing... and I get very upset and ask if this is how he planned on breaking up with me, had he planned to do this the whole time? Some of the other bridesmaids had their cars at our friend's house as well, and just happened to get there at that moment. I told Mr. P that I was not going to do this here, he should go to his parents' house, do what he needs to do, and then come over to my house after so we could have this talk properly.

I had all day to prepare. I cried, a lot. But I wasn't sure how it was going to all pan out. I don't remember exactly how it all went. I remember him saying that he wasn't happy, and I responded that he wasn't ever happy, and his depression was a real a serious thing. He needed to get help. He agreed. I told him that I would stand by him and help him through it, go to counseling with him, if he wanted me to, whatever it takes, I said, if you're willing to get help, I'm willing to work this out. He chose not to. That was probably one of the most hurtful things that had ever happened to me. Then he left. And that's how Mr. Perfect and I ended things a year ago today.

Of course, as you all know, it didn't end there. We had a hard time cutting the ties. We saw each other over the course of the following 4 months, technically "as friends" but there was definitely more than friendship. One night in May, I remember very clearly, he invited me over for dinner at his house. There was a different feel to that night, he was being affectionate, it was the first time I had been at his house since we broke up and all my pictures were still up. The picture of us on his fridge, the frame in his bedroom, all still there. I was very much a presence in his house, long after I had gone. When we were in bed later, he says to me that he wants to work this out, he wants to get back together, he can't stand the idea of losing me. It's everything I wanted him to say, 2 months earlier. He was acting how I had hoped he would act, when we first broke up, but he didn't. And I had been away from it long enough to know that he was NOT what I wanted. So, I did what anyone would in that situation. I cried. Which was not what he was hoping for, of course. We continued to see each other occasionally after that, not as frequently, the last time being the 4th of July. We spent nearly the entire weekend together. And by the end, I was just done. Our relationship had truly run its course. I had no desire to be with him physically anymore, and it was more just going through the motions. We didn't talk for a few months, and I didn't see him again until my birthday.

Over the past few months we have established the boundaries of our friendship. I am very happy to include him in my life as my friend, and I will always be there for him. He was at my friend's birthday party last weekend, and I thought all was fine. He was socializing, and I didn't feel responsible for him. We stayed until pretty late in the evening, and he drove me home. I don't know if I was drunk or not, it was late, I had been drinking, I was tired... I can't remember saying anything that was offensive, or if we ended things on a bad note. I just remember saying goodnight, telling him to drive safely, and exiting the car. He PEELS out of my driveway and speeds off down the road before I even have a chance to make it to my door. I am utterly confused at this point. The only time I've ever seen him drive off like that, not even waiting to see if I get in alright, was after a HUGE blow-out fight we had, the day after my birthday when we were dating. I haven't heard from him since then, my friends texted him last night to see if he wanted to meet up with us at the bar, but of course he did not. I don't know if he's mad at me for something. I can't for the life of me figure out what that could be. This is what I hated about his moods when we were dating, I shouldn't have to be reliving this as his friend. I will continue to be his friend, should he seek that out in me, in a mature reasonable fashion.

So that's the whole story of me and Mr. P from a year ago up to today. Hopefully it clarifies some of the vague references I've made in previous posts about our "less than perfect" ending, and our blurred lines of friendship for a few months!

(Dating is slow right now. I'm super busy - like October/November busy, where it took weeks to set up a first date due to my work schedule!! There is a date scheduled for next Sunday, but I just found out today that my sister will be in from Boston from Sat-Tuesday next week, so I may have to cancel. Maybe just a quick coffee, it's been too long!)

3 Strikes

2010-03-17T20:47:00.002-04:00

I can not do this, whatever it is, with the phone guy anymore. He is still JUST a phone guy. We haven't met. We've had multiple good conversations, via text, phone, and IM. We just can't seem to make that first date happen. Wait, not we.... HE. Last Sunday I blogged about how he canceled our bowling date. I was ok with that, and he was really apologetic, and pissed about having to work late. And made mention of wanting to set up a meeting sometime this week. We had originally talked about Monday, but Mondays are bad for me and I had a ton of grades to do, so I suggested Tuesday instead. He was fine with that. I had forgotten that my friend was coming in for a haircut on Tuesday and I had scheduled time to see her and get some water ice with her and my other friend.

Throughout the day on Tuesday, the texts from the phone guy were much less than usual. This struck me as odd because he's usually SO on top of the texting. Seriously, on Monday, we exchanged probably between 20-30 texts over the course of the day. So when I hadn't heard from him on Tuesday by the end of the day since like 9 in the morning (he had called me in the morning to wish me a good day, and to chat a bit on his way to work and texted me in the morning), I was a bit surprised. So I sent him a text, just asking what his plan was for that night. He said he thought he was going to have to work late, so he didn't know. I responded that later would be fine for me since I had forgotten that my friend was coming in for the night, and I wanted to see her. He said he'd let me know. Around 6ish, he texted me and said he was going to have to stay late at work and there was no way he was going to be able to go out. I was pretty sympathetic and was very understanding about him breaking our date, for the second time in 3 days. Work is work. I'm not saying I like it, but I can understand it. When he got home at 9:30, he sent me a text, telling me he had just gotten home and how frustrated he was with work. We talked for a while, and I was almost ready to tell him that I don't want to do this again, when he PROMISED me that we'd hang out tonight. He said, I don't make promises because they are something that I don't break. Ok.... well, I told him that I didn't want to interfere with his work schedule, and that he should just keep me posted on what he thought his day would be like throughout the day. We, again, texted back and forth all day today, and he even said that he was looking forward to hanging out tonight. I had gone out with my friends for St. Patrick's day, and hadn't heard from him in a couple of hours, so I just wanted to know what his plan was. I get a message back that he's on his way to NYC. Um. What? So I asked if it was for work. Nope, for fun, he responds. He then texts me to ask if I am pissed. Which I am. But I'm not going to tell him that. I tell him that he owes me nothing, I'm not pissed, just a little confused. I had only asked that if his plans should change, all he needed to do was to let me know. He said that his friend just called him and it sounded like a good time, so he decided to go, and it just happened 45 minutes ago. Riiiiiiiight. So. I'm done. Seriously, I can forgive plans being broken for work. I can forgive 2 dates in a row being canceled. But when you cancel on me because you'd rather be in NYC getting drunk, yeah... I'm done. I don't even KNOW this guy, that's the funny part. I'm not mad at him, how could I be. I'm mad at myself for allowing him to string me along like this. I would bet money that he will drunk text me tonight. I will bet money that he will call me and try to set something up again. Unless this guy bends over backwards and plans something damn near spectacular, I am not wasting another second of my time or energy on this. It's a joke at this point. When I tell people this, they have to stop me and say, Wait, but you've never met him, right? RIGHT. I don't need a phone buddy. I don't WANT a text friend. I'm looking for a relationship. Something REAL that exists not on the phone. So, 3 dates canceled. 3 strikes and you're out.

While I wait.

2010-03-14T20:01:00.003-04:00

I'm waiting to find out if the phone guy is going to be able to make it to our date for tonight. I'm not sure what to make of the whole situation. I get the impression that this guy really does want to meet me, and he wants to see me tonight... but his priority is work right now. I can understand that... but only to an extent.

So, we had plans to meet up tonight. We have talked just about every single day since we first started communicating a week ago. It's only been a week of communication but it feels like so much more based on how often we text/talk. He actually called me at the library on Friday with made up reference questions so I could talk to him while I was at work. It was super slow and I was very bored! He made for good company but still this is all preemptive since we haven't even met yet! He sent me a text this morning with the plan being to go bowling at North Bowl tonight. I'm not a huge fan of bowling on a first date, it's definitely more of a second date type of thing. I agreed and have done bowling both successfully and unsuccessfully as first dates before, and his other suggestion was I go over his house for him to cook us dinner and watch a movie! Whoa, there buddy. That is like... 5th or 6th date territory, not first meeting! No. I opted for bowling, but I get the feeling he's a "relationship" type guy and not a dater. He seems to be doing very boyfriend-y things before we've even met, the texts throughout the day, nicknames, wanting to have nights in before any nights out! Maybe I think more like a dater than a relationship-er. I know it is NECESSARY to have dates before you get into a relationship, but like how Google didn't know how to be in a relationship because he had never had one, maybe I could really get used to a guy to who ONLY knows how to be in a relationship. It's like I've gone from one extreme to the other.

He texts me at the library right before we closed today that it was necessary that I call him ASAP. I asked if I could call him between the library and my youth group meeting, which I had approximately 5 minutes. So I called him, and he goes on about how his boss is making him work tonight at 6, and he doesn't know how long it will go, but would I be interested in meeting up maybe later on - like 9 or 10 tonight? We talked on the phone, and I was very understanding about the whole situation. I think he thought I was going to get all angry or upset, or blow up on the phone or something. I am ok with plans being canceled, I don't enjoy it, but as long as I know, I'm fine. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and just asked him to keep me posted on how it was going tonight, or if we should just reschedule for another night this week. Since it was daylight savings, it actually feels much earlier than 8:30 right now, but I am exhausted! I didn't get home from my friend's birthday party last night until after 4, had to work all day, have a lot to do for school, so I think I'm just going to say no thanks for tonight. He's been texting me updates, but it doesn't look like he'll be done until after 10, and I'm not having any of that.

This makes yet another time our first date has been canceled due to his work. I really do want to meet this guy. And as someone who has a fairly busy work schedule, I should be understanding. the difference is I know in advance when I am or not free due to work, and my jobs don't really have any true urgency that is going to change that schedule. His on the other hand, requires him to be available 24/7, or basically at his boss's every need. He has done nothing but bad mouth his boss to me, although with a kind of respect I don't really understand. I think he thinks his boss is a jerk but he truly respects him, if that makes any sense... Anyway, his last text to me was about half an hour ago, I had said, why don't we just plan for another night, and he responded that he wanted to see how long it would be and added that his boss knew we had plans tonight. That made me laugh. I've never had a boss that could have that kind of control over my social life, nor would I want someone to have that kind of power. I imagine his boss to be this crazy controlling man, who doesn't want one of his most dependable employees to go on a date because it might change his outlook on how important his job is. Wow, I was just cock blocked by a guy I've never met, yet already dislike.

It's highly unlikely that we'll go out tonight. Which is sad, and disappointing, but at the same time, gives me some perspective. Am I going to spend yet another week talking and texting with him? Although I really don't want to, I probably will. It may give me some perspective though on the amount of stock I put on my dates before they happen, right up until the moment I get there.

On a completely unrelated note, it's been one month since things ended with Google. We've talked maybe 3 or 4 times via IM since then. He drunk texted me once. I may have drunk texted him once. (I think I did, but I never checked my sent texts the next day, and now they are gone!) I thought that I missed him, despite knowing how wrong he is for me. However, I've come to the conclusion that I do not miss him, but I miss what we had. He was not a good catch (despite what his match profile might make him out to be!), he's a miserable person, who lacks social skills, and lacks in many other areas as well. He did not care a whole lot about me, despite how much I tried to get him to. I do not miss him. I do not miss wondering if he is going to want to see me. I do not miss seeing him online and knowing that he's there, and CHOOSING not to talk to me. I don't miss wondering if I could be doing something different to make him like me more. I miss being out in Philly, getting to do really fun things, having romantic evenings, sharing myself with someone, becoming part of someone else's life. None of those things are exclusive to Google. I will have them again, with someone who mirrors the same feelings for me.

His apartment, however, will be deeply missed, and hard to get over. That was architectural love at first sight. Sigh.

Danger Zone

2010-03-11T16:02:00.002-05:00

2 weeks in a row I've had dates on Wednesday nights, with guys who are much younger than I normally date. It's a strange thing, going from dating someone who is much older and more settled in his life to dating guys who have so much of their plan still to come. The guy from last night is 26, I think soon to be 27, but I'm not sure. We had emailed, and then sent some texts back and forth on Saturday/Sunday, then agreed to meet up this week for drinks on Wednesday night. I wasn't overly excited about the date, I don't know why. There was nothing unappealing about this guy. He was cute, smart, interesting through emails... I just didn't get that connected feeling or excitement leading up to the date. So I went into the date with a slightly uninterested vibe, not sure where this was all going to lead.

We met up at a bar that wouldn't have been my first choice. It was a rather large bar right across the street from 30th Street Station, it's an Irish bar - and it being the month of March, they have St. Patty's events going on every single night. Last night was live music, which made it rather hard to have good conversation. Not a good choice for a first date, but I get the feeling he didn't know any better. Also his choice of seating was less than ideal. He got there before I did (not surprising!) and had chosen a table in the bar area, but it was literally almost on top of another table right next to us. There was a couple sitting so close to us, I felt like we were at the same table - they were on a first date too - which provided even more distraction than the live music!

So, I admit that I eavesdropped on the date going on next to me, because I thought it was hysterical. I don't know that most people can pick up on first date conversation so easily, but I've been on enough first dates to know it when I hear it. The funniest stuff was what the girl was saying. While my date was at the bar getting my drink for me, I was listening to the girl on the date next to me talk to the guy about how she's "so into wine" right now. She made a resolution to drink wine instead of beer (except she has a Stella in front of her, weird.) and she doesn't like the after taste of alcohol. I was bored and I wasn't even IN the conversation. Is this what other girls talk about on dates? Yawn. So, my date returns with my drink and we have good conversation (not about wine, or beer, or any kind of alcohol at all...) that was fairly natural, but I felt uncomfortable with the other table so close. If I could listen in on their conversation, they could easily listen in on mine. The best part was when the girl was talking about how she was "so over 23" Really? and the guy who she's on the date with commiserated that he's not looking forward to turning 27. And how 30 is just looming around the corner for him. Oh. dear. lord. So here I am, on a date with a 26 year old, next to a 26 year old and 23 year old. I'm the granny of this bunch!

The date wrapped up after 2 hours, I had only put 2 hours of quarters in my meter, and needed to get to my car before I got a ticket because I apparently parked on the one street that has meters that run until midnight! It was a good time to go though, 2 hours was more than enough. I still hadn't rallied up any feelings towards this guy that would make me want to see him again. There's no reason why I wouldn't, I just don't think there's any interest there. I'm not sure if it was mutual or not. (because I know your curious: The other first date lasted much longer than mine - they were there before we got there, and still there when we left!) He walked me to my car, even though it was parked far away from where he parked. I offered to drive him back to his car, but he declined the offer. He gave me a hug, there was the obligatory parting remarks of "this was fun, we should do it again sometime." and agreement (I never know what to say to that!) And I ended my 2nd Wednesday night date, heading home.

Those of you who have been following the fan page on Facebook (if you're not a fan, there's a link below!), know that there's another guy in the works. Someone who I am REALLY excited about. Here's some back story on him. He winked at me on Match, back in November when he first moved into Philly. I don't remember if I didn't wink back, or if we never emailed for whatever reason, but I know we never connected through any kind of real communication. Sunday night, I saw his profile online over the weekend, and I vaguely remembered our connection from before (his profile is more wordy than mine - if you can imagine!) so I winked at him. Within an hour, he had winked back AND emailed me. We sent 3 emails back and forth that night, and finally it was late, so I gave him my cell phone number (expecting him to call in a day or so) and started getting ready to go to bed. He sends me a text that was just the lyric to one of my all time favorite Beatles songs. I responded that it was one of my favorites, and a good call on his part. He responds that it's HIS favorite, and how strange is that? We ended up texting back and forth for a good hour and a half that night, and potentially set up a date for Tuesday. He was going to call me on Monday to confirm, but Monday came and went and I didn't hear from him until very late. It was almost 10:30 when he finally texted me to tell me that he had been at work until 9:45, he was so exhausted, and could we talk tomorrow? Of course. I was a little bummed that the date was not going to happen, but I understand busy work schedules, as mine gets in the way ALL the time! On Tuesday, I was pleasantly surprised to get a text from him which he had sent around 8am, just wishing me a good day. I responded and again we texted back and forth throughout the day. Tuesday night, we're supposed to talk, but he has to work late again, and is exhausted. At this point, I'm a little tired of the texting and not setting up a date, and wondering if this guy has any real interest in meeting me at all. So when he texts me that he's tired and we'll talk tomorrow, I respond with something pseudo witty/snarky about how that's the 2nd night in a row he's done that. He immediately apologizes, and I do believe that he was just truly exhausted. I mention that I won't be around because I'm going out for drinks the following night (I don't mention that it's on a date...) so we probably won't get to talk. He says he's over the texting thing, I agree. So, am I more than a little surprised when he sends me a text to check in with me the next day to see how my day is going? Yes. We text a little bit, but with my school/gym/date schedule, I was less responsive. After I got home from my date, I checked in to see if he was still awake, and if he wanted to talk. He called me, and although it breaks ALL my pre-dating rules, we talked on the phone for 2 and a half hours. He's so much different than I would expect. We have a lot in common. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up, because before a date, that's really dangerous (like photographer-dangerous!) He called me this morning, to wish me a good day, and to talk some more. We could have probably talked for another 2.5 hours if I hadn't been walking into school! And of course, we were sending texts back and forth most of the day. We are going out this weekend, either Friday night after the library, or Sunday. Either way, I need to turn it down a little bit! He is really sweet, and we have a lot to talk about... but if it gets too built up before we meet, I'm afraid it will be bitterly disappointing for one or both of us!

The Missing Piece

2010-03-07T02:07:00.003-05:00

It hasn't been easy, letting go of this thing I have for Google, and despite how much I know that I'm better off, and that I can and will do SO much better, I haven't let it go yet. I spend countless hours agonizing and analyzing. Speculating as to WHY I just wasn't enough. I've gotten this way before, I've had obsessions that have left me on the crazy side of the spectrum. T is a perfect example, but once he sent me that email, I was much better and able to move on. I knew why he dropped off the face of the earth, I knew why he thought I wasn't good enough, and I was able to make peace with that, and move on. I haven't been able to do that with Google because I just don't know. He never gave me any reasons as to why he wanted to break up besides his depression issues and that he "had been doubting his feelings." Whatever that means. It means you don't like me, yes, I get that... but WHY.

I have been analyzing this with whomever will listen, and more often than not offer me their opinions and/or advice. Today, however, I got better than that. Remember my friend who is marrying the cousin of Google's friend? Well today I learned just one little detail about Google that helped me close the door. Just one piece of information, that's all. And it didn't even come from Google himself, but it makes SO much sense to me now. I'm sure all the pieces were there before, and I couldn't just see them, but this was like the missing piece of the puzzle. After we broke up, my friend asked her fiance's sister what she knew about Google, to see if she could find out anything to help me get over him. I don't think she thought this piece of information was very relevant, until today. So it turns out that Google has been (or was) crazy in love the friend that I met that one day, you know the one who told me all about his mother and the checklist. This is the wife of one of his good friends, a friend who had his first wife cheat on him with one his other friends. Nice, right? That's something Google told me, I didn't learn that today, I'm just putting the whole situation into perspective. So, back to Google being in love with his friend's now-wife. I don't know if he's still in love with her, but remember when I wrote about how he posted on twitter that he is in love with his 2 downstairs neighbors... yes, I think I'm sensing a pattern here. This was all I needed to shut the door on this in my mind. He clearly has these ideals in his mind of what he thinks he wants, and doesn't really give anyone a chance if they are not exactly fitting the mold of what he thinks he "should" have.

He never really got to know me, he just wanted me to be this person who he wanted - and was never really interested in knowing me and everything great I have to offer. This is why he wasn't interested in meeting my friends, but always wanted me to do things/fit in with his friends. This is not the stuff a real relationship is built on. I am an extremely generous and caring person in relationships, and I went out of my way time and time again to make sure Google knew he was cared for by me. Little things, notes, birthday presents, valentine's day presents... all of these things were carefully crafted with him in mind, and not once did he ever consider me, what I might want or need in this relationship. I was filling a space that couldn't be filled by any of the people he actually wanted to fill it, which of course lead him to be bitterly disappointed. Should he have been disappointed in our relationship? Hell no. I know that when it comes to things that people put up with in relationships, in the short 8 weeks we dated, I dealt with a lot of crap that MOST girls wouldn't even consider.

I know that I dodged a bullet here. I am thankful that the relationship ended before I could get really hurt or trapped in a situation that has no good ending. I would never have lived up to that ideal in his mind, and I was already resentful of the fact that he treated me as if I had done something wrong. The only I ever did was not be the exact person he wanted me to be, well maybe he should have let me know what I was up against.

So the missing puzzle piece is in. My mind is surprisingly at ease, and I miss him much less every single time I think about it. I think about him bringing me to this party to meet his friend, how he barely even talked to me that entire night (thankfully my friend was there!), how maybe he was comparing me to her at every turn. It makes sense because if there was a time that I had to pinpoint where things went horribly wrong in our relationship, it was immediately following that weekend. Go figure.

Speed Dating.

2010-03-03T20:40:00.002-05:00

I am going to try to keep this blog as short as this date was (Thanks, Deb!), but I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea...

Ok, so it was my first foray back into the dating world after Google. Am I over Google yet? Not completely. Did this date help, 100x, yes!! I had some reservations, yes... but I was definitely interested in getting back in the game again. So my biggest reservation was this guy's age. If you remember back when I started this blog, at a mere 25 years old, I was VERY age conscious. If a guy was just 6 months younger than me, I had reservations. So here I am tonight, going on a date with a guy who is not just a few months younger, but a few years younger. He is only 25 years old. Age is just a number, I know, and I shouldn't let it bother me. I mean, I didn't do very well dating someone who was 35, so maybe I need to go younger - much much younger! It's weird, I've been getting a lot of younger guy attention. The 3 guys I've been talking to are all younger - 25, 26, & 28. Maybe I've been dating at the wrong end of this pool.

Anyway, back to the shortest (good) date of history. I remember posting once upon a time that any date that clocked in at under 3 hours normally didn't warrant a second date. This one was just under an hour and a half, seriously. SHORT. But it wasn't bad. We met up at the Artful Dodger in Old City, I wasn't sure if it was going to be dinner or drinks. I hadn't planned on anything. I wasn't super looking forward to it, but I was going because I knew I had to. We had a couple of good emails, and he fits my type, with the exception of the age. I showed up on the date a little late, there was an insane amount of rush hour traffic getting over the bridge, but I made it only 10 minutes late or so, and he had texted me before hand, apologizing for sending me into the throws of Philly rush hour. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him, he was cuter than I thought from his pictures, and taller than I thought too, both were good signs. He had been at the bar, and I was going to just join him there, but he suggested we get a table.

We ate, had some beers, and talked throughout the entire dinner. It was basically empty in the restaurant, and dinner was very quick. I also ate a salad that was very onion-y, which might have been a bad move on my part. We talked a lot, about a lot of different things, but it was weird too. I wasn't completely ready for the date, mentally, but I laughed a lot, and the conversation was easy to come by, I think. So after dinner, he paid (I offered, I feel especially since he's younger - I should pay!) and we went outside. Apparently, it was raining, but it was barely noticeable. We started walking up 2nd street, I didn't know where we were going. At one point, he turned to me and asked where my car was. Oh. My car. It was a few blocks back from where we just walked past. I was surprised that the date was ending quite so soon. It seemed to be going really well, and then we were walking to my car. I was very confused! Maybe the younger kids do this dating thing differently.

So I was assuming this wasn't going so well for him, and then he says, So we should really do this again sometimes. And starts saying how he'll take the train over to Jersey, since he doesn't have a car. I was kind of taken aback. Part of me wanted to say if you want to do this again, why not just continue the date now? But maybe an hour and a half is his dating limit. Maybe it's better to not rush things, there's no need for marathon dates. He could turn out to be very fun, or he could not really be interested in a second date after all, and just said that. I would go out with him again, but I'm just glad that I had a good date, and who knows, 25 might be the new 35. :)

Oh dating game, it's good to be back.

Compromised.

2010-03-01T21:40:00.003-05:00

The blog has been compromised, but as an honest blogger, and someone who is years away from all this drama, I don't really care. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

When it rains, it pours. Right now, my life unfortunately is raining ex boyfriend drama all over me. Not in a good way, either. So, I mentioned in the previous post that I have been spending some time with Mr. Perfect, this was just the beginning of my rain storm of ex-interaction that has surfaced over the past few days.

In the previous post, I wrote that during the play I received an email from my ex's sister... I need to back up, a few posts, and remind you that when I was posting about the potential of meeting Google's mom, I posted about my ex's mom, didn't say nice things, and mentioned that my ex was now married and he had posted about how his family had ruined his wedding. What I didn't post was that I had commented on his post, mentioning that I was proud of him for breaking free of his parents controlling ways, wishing him well, because regardless, he was 2 and a half years of my life, and I do wish him well.

Back to the night of the play, I saw that I had received an email on facebook from my ex's sister. His name was the subject. I felt an all too familiar knot in my stomach, something I hadn't felt in well over 5 years. I could feel the drama seeping back into my life, and if I opened the email, it would be full-fledged back in my life. Curiosity of course gets the best of me, and I opened the email. I should post the whole email here, but honestly, I don't care that much. It was a 5 paragraph email, regarding my post on my ex's post about his wedding, that went on and on about how awful of a person my ex is, how all he does is lie, how his family was actually very good to me, and how my entire relationship with him was based on a series of lies between his family and me, none of us knew the truth. Also, when we broke up it was my ex's idea to box all my remaining things up, put them outside the door, and change the locks - not his family's. At this point, I'm not sure I care whose idea it was, or why it happened. It was 5 years ago. I'm over it. She then goes on to tell me about how his family paid for his new wife's engagement ring, awesome, and all the drama that surrounded my ex's wedding and why they are no longer speaking to him. All of this is none of my business, and really has nothing to do with me. She ends her email questioning why I am on my ex's side now, after he said such horrible/awful things about me, and I should know that he really was nothing but a liar, but did like my mom the best (yay, mom! haha.) Reading this email was a bit surprising to me, because I had been away from all of this for at least 5 years. My ex and I kept in contact a bit throughout the years, probably up until the time when he drove down to my parents house, the last time I saw him, 3 years ago, but it was all very platonic, and I would have never ever gotten back together with him. Despite all of that, I still spent over 2 years of my life with him, I knew him very well, and I don't care who's telling the truth and who is a liar and who said horrible things about me, I want my ex to be happy. I didn't respond to the email, I didn't even think about it, his family issues are NOT MINE anymore.

I went on with my very busy weekend, there's the 3 guys (who are down to 2 right now, I think...) I'm trying to set up dates with, there's getting over Google, there's building my friendship with Mr. P, I have other things on my mind. So, this afternoon, while I was at work, I checked my email, and was just a little surprised to see ANOTHER email from my ex's family. Although this time, it was not from his sister, but from his step-mother. Remember, the one I posted not nice things about? Yeah, so again, that now all too familiar pit in my stomach reappears, but the subject line caught my eye a bit more, "WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU" in all caps, kind of stands out. Really? The step-mother of my ex boyfriend, who did tell me at one point in my relationship with him, that she did not like me in the beginning of when I was dating him (only when I stood by him after he stopped paying the electricity bill, cable bill, etc, and I had just PAID to get our cable turned back on, when the electricity got turned off, and collectors were calling the apartment EVERY DAY, only then did she tell me that she thought I was good for him). Ok, so back to the email I got today. She starts off by apologizing for anything I think she did to me, and mentions something about being controlling, and how she always thought I was a nice girl and my ex's reasons for breaking up with had nothing to do with her or her husband. WHOA. Ok, back up! I went back and re-read the post I had written to my ex, which obviously his family had found. I wrote nothing about his step-mom specifically, just some general comments about his family, said NOTHING about his parents being the cause of us breaking up (I said they were our issue of contention - but they weren't the reason we broke up - it was actually a fairly civil break up before the locks were changed and my stuff put outside, I wasn't happy - he wasn't happy, there was no point in continuing that any longer.)

So, I was kind of confused where this email was stemming from, and I noticed that some of those words sound like what I wrote a month ago in my blog. So I went back and checked. Sure enough, I called my ex's step-mom a controlling bitch, I also mentioned that early in relationship my ex had told me that his step-mom and dad told him to break up with me, which he didn't and was not the cause of our break up. So... is my ex's family reading my blog? My guess is yes, so is this opening the door to more emails? for more drama with my ex's family? If they are reading this, please know this: My relationship with my ex ended 5 years ago, on our own accord - not because he lied to me or because of his financial situation, but because as it sometimes happen, two people just aren't right for each other. And we each moved on. I have long since made peace with that. I wish my ex well, I hope he's happy, and I do not want to get involved in any family drama. The end. (I hope)

More exes resurfaced this week too. There was this guy I dated in college. I met him at my sorority house, one night he was there with a bunch of his fraternity brothers, I think one of them was dating one of my sorority sisters. He was super persistent, and somehow I ended up dating him for a few months. He was never right for me, and when we dated he treated me like crap. I was really young at the time, and foolish, and the more he treated me badly, the more I wanted to be with him. (wait, this sounds slightly familiar - Google?) I remember wasting a lot of tears and nights feeling awful because of him. And he was never, ever nice to me. This was a solid 8 years ago, and I haven't spoken to him in nearly as long. He would occasionally get back in touch throughout the end of my senior year/summer after, to try to get me to hook up with him, but that never happened. I don't remember the last time I saw him, I was probably 21. Well, he friended me last night on facebook. I debated whether or not I should even accept his friend-request, and eventually decided to, figuring it could do no/little harm. Today, I got many posts from him, on my pictures, on my posts, on my wall. It got to the point where my friend texted me to ask me who this guy was! I have no idea what exactly he thinks he'll accomplish by getting back in touch, but I can't believe this was someone I ever wasted my time on!

What's next? My high school boyfriend? There's something to be said about leaving the past where it belongs.

In like a Lion.

2010-02-28T18:09:00.003-05:00

Where did February go? I realized this morning, as I was thinking back over the short month of February, that my life right now is not all that different than it was throughout most of my relationship with Google during the month of February, except the past 2 weeks I've known that he didn't want to see me, rather than spending all that agonizing time wondering if it was me or just my imagination. But I'm forcing myself to get past this, and my mind/heart isn't cooperating so much.

This weekend I spent more time with Mr. Perfect than I have in a very long time. Probably not since the summer, when we were still basically dating, just without calling it that, and the line between friendship and relationship was very very blurry. On Thursday night, I came down with a really bad cold, very quickly, and didn't have any meds at my house to counteract it. I posted something silly on facebook about how I would give anything for someone to bring me some Nyquil, and that I was sick, basically. The next day was yet another snow day, due to the impending "snowicane" that never happened, but yet another day of school canceled and the library was closed as well. I had the whole day off, and wasn't really sure what to do with myself.

Around 10ish, Mr. P texts me to see how I'm feeling, and if I got the meds I wanted last night. I responded that I didn't get any Nyquil and I'd like to get out to the drugstore at some point during the day to get it. He says that he's going to shovel out his car, and if the roads are ok, he'll drive up, help me shovel, and he'll take me to the drugstore, because he knows I hate driving in the snow. At the thought of spending the day alone or with Mr. Perfect, obviously, Mr. P wins that one. I agree, tell him I'm getting in the shower, but I'll leave the front door open so he can come in when he gets here. About an hour or so later, I'm showered, dressed, drying my hair, and I hear my dog barking but I checked the door and no one had come in, so I figured he was just barking at my neighbors shoveling across the street. I finish getting ready and look at my front window to see Mr. P has already shoveled my driveway, sidewalk, walkway, and my neighbor's as well. And at the time, he was salting it. It wasn't a huge amount of snow, he might have been there for 20 minutes or so, but the fact that he came over, did all of that, without being asked, without any prompting at all, made me remember what a great guy he really is. But this doesn't blur my lines of friendship with him, just makes me appreciate that he is still in my life.

After he was done shoveling, salting, and clearing my driveway, we went to the drugstore, ran some errands, and ended up having some lunch at Panera. We sat and talked for nearly 2 hours, just about everything. His issues with dating, my issues with Google, things that we wished we could have done differently between us, it was all fair game at lunch. And it didn't seem to make things weird, or uncomfortable for either of us. He has started seeing a therapist for his depression issues, which makes me really happy. I know I can't fix his problems, I couldn't when we were dating, and I can't now, but I'm glad he's finally seeking some help beyond himself. His therapist continually tells him (which he then tells me) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. This makes me happy, because, honestly, it's what I always believed. I pushed him to confront a lot of issues he didn't want to deal with while we were dating. I made him talk to me about things that he would have rather just shut me out of completely. In the end, it didn't matter for our relationship, but I am glad that he recognizes how good I was for him. We talked about letting things go, and he made some sort of comment about how he's never let me go, and I think he won't until he finds someone new. I don't know if it's hard for him to listen to me talk about Google, but he asks, and wants to talk about it. I never bring it up unless he does. Maybe it helps him let it go a little bit, knowing that I don't have those same feelings for him anymore. We hung out for a while, went to see a movie together (I paid, to thank him for shoveling and doing all of that for me, and I had a gift card.)

Last night was the rescheduled show that Google was supposed to go with to see my friend's play. I had the extra ticket, because obviously Google wasn't going anymore. Mr. Perfect had offered to take the extra ticket, and I was ok with that. My friends who we were going up with are probably the closest to Mr. Perfect out of all my friends, we spent the most time together with them, and Mr. Perfect and my friend's husband were pretty good friends while we were dating. I was a little nervous about it seeming like a double date, but we managed to pull it off without any real awkwardness... that is until I got an email from my ex of 5 years ago's sister, (that is something for another post) but it brought up the conversation of all the guys I've dated and what losers they all were. Seriously, my friends who were there with me had met most of the guys I've dated seriously throughout the years, the poker player, the Israeli, CK. They knew them all and of all my exes, the only one they've ever really liked was Mr. Perfect. So we went on a very long tirade about my exes, in front of Mr. P, which was probably a little uncomfortable for him, although we all tried to assure him that of all these guys, he was the best of them. He tried to pay for my dinner, although he had already paid me for his ticket for the show, which I told him he didn't have to because I had bought the ticket for Google and had already counted it as a loss when I wouldn't take his money for it either. But he insisted, so there was NO way I was going to let him pay for my dinner. On the car ride home, I fell asleep and ended up sleeping on his shoulder the whole way home, which was probably the most physical contact we've had in months. It didn't spark anything though, he dropped me off at home, no kisses or hugs, just a sleepy good night at my door. The line between our friendship and our past has not been blurred by recent events.

I know he's really lonely, and doesn't have a group of friends to rely on, and that he misses me and my friends, so I'm not going to shut him out, just because we used to date and no longer do... I can be mature enough to allow him into my circle of friends, and if he starts dating someone and this friendship fades, that's fine. I don't have any hope that things with Mr. Perfect and I would ever be worked out, he's not right for me, and I want so much more than what he's capable of giving. It's weird that I can feel that for him, and recognize the exact same things in Google. Google never gave me what I wanted as a boyfriend, there's no way he would ever be able to do that as a friend... it still doesn't make me wish it were different any less. Although by now, I was hoping to be past it. We have communicated a few times on IM. Nothing substantial, nothing even worth writing about. It's enough to give me that false sense of hope, and yet not enough to make a damn bit of difference.

I am moving on. I have been talking with 3 new guys. I'm trying to muster up the excitement to go on these dates, and get back out there. I know I can meet people, and I know I can go out on a lot of dates, and most will want to go on second dates, and maybe even thirds. But my heart's not in it yet. I'm hoping that March brings everything that February couldn't.

Call it off

2010-02-21T17:38:00.003-05:00

"Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at,
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at,
But now we'll never know,
I won't be sad but in case I'll go there,
Everyday to make myself feel bad,
There's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do... " - Call it Off, Tegan & Sara

The camping trip weekend is over, and I'm back home (rather, at my parents' house right now, but home all the same). Of course the weekend did not proceed without any incident, or without hearing from Google. Friday night was by far the best night of the camping trip. When everyone gets to the house, it's a great reunion, most of these people I haven't seen in almost a year, so there is a lot to catch up on. Some of them read the blog, so they had some ideas, but most don't. They had some idea that I had been seeing someone, or had ideas based on facebook pictures, etc. So to make sure everyone was up to speed, there was a whole retelling of the "Google Story." And while every time I tell the story, it gets a little more comical and hurts a little less, it was really fun to see some of the guys reactions. They without a doubt, thought I was crazy, but we got through the whole story up to me leaving Google's house on Valentine's Day, not to hear from him at all that week. Following that, there was much eating and drinking, and by midnight we were all very very drunk. We were in the middle of a rousing game of flip cup, when one of my friends picks up my phone and just asks "whose phone is this?" Immediately, I thought it was because it rang or beeped, but really my friend just wanted to call herself to hear her ring tone on her phone. She handed me my phone so I could call her, and really it should've been put away for the entire weekend. But I didn't, and I checked, no missed calls/texts. I was a little disappointed, but it passed quickly, as I was drunk. I had my phone next to me at this point, and maybe an hour later, still drinking heavily, I looked at my phone, and was SHOCKED to see I had a text from Google. I read it, processed and then decided I needed to share it. So, I promptly announced to the entire room. BIG mistake. The cleaned up version of his sloppy-drunk text was something like this, "I'm sorry about last week. I'm drunk. Hope you have fun in NY. I'm a loser, you will find better. I'm not getting any tonight. going to go puke." Yes. That was the text message that a 35 year old, self respecting(?) guy sent me, at 1 am, a week after we broke up. Well, I had no intention of writing him back, I was too drunk to make a good decision, and at 29 I know this, so I have to assume that if at 35, you don't know that drunk texting is a bad idea... I had to battle some of my friends, some of whom wanted to call him right there - 2 drunk guys talking on the phone to a guy I just broke up with - not a good idea, some who wanted to take my phone from me for the rest of the weekend - a better idea, or what ended up happening - me swearing that I would NOT write him back, which I didn't, and we all move on.

So the weekend progressed, and despite everything, the camping trip is a really good weekend to remind myself of what I really want in any relationship I'm in. The trip this year was a bit different than years past, less people came, different house, we ventured out for a day trip, I set the oven on fire, but all of this isn't what helped me reset this weekend. Being around friends is always a good thing, but being around my friends who have some of the best relationships I've ever seen, really reminds me of what I want, what will be someday for me. It was all I needed to NOT text Google back, because anyone who has any standards is not going to respond to a drunk text at 1 in the morning, when he couldn't care ALL week how I was doing. And that text didn't care how I was doing either, it was, like everything in the past 3 weeks, about how Google was feeling, and to be honest, if there is zero reciprocation, I'm so over it. Except for when I got home... and I was feeling sad, and he was online... so I sent him a message, it said "Got your text on Friday, sounds like you had some kind of night, feeling better?" And no response. Nothing. I waited for a little bit, and he's online, so I know he got it... but clearly he's only interested in communicating when he's drunk and lonely. And I'm not going to mean anything to him, if all he wants is for me to be his late nights or his early mornings. So I cut the ties today. I deleted him on facebook, removed him from twitter and stopped following his tweets as well. Nothing was better when I had to go to his page to unfollow him, and saw all the tweets he posted when he was drunk on Friday night. As one of my wise friends has said to me often, a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Drunk or not, he admitted to being in love with 2 of his neighbors, and as surprised as I was when I first read it, it actually makes a lot of sense. He also posted that he needs someone new this week. That hurt. I still can't figure out why I wasn't good enough.

Am I still hurt? Yeah. Unfortunately. Do I know that I can do better? Yes. A million times over, yes. But it doesn't change how I feel right now. And I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again, I think throughout this all, I thought we might be friends eventually, or things would change, he'd feel better and realize that I would have been so good for him. And he'd realize how great I am.

Longest Week. Ever,

2010-02-19T08:59:00.005-05:00

This by far, has been one of the longest weeks of my life, and work wise, it was only a 3 day work week. Sleep is something that isn't coming easy to me, but I go to bed MUCH earlier than I used to. My friend taught me some good yoga breathing tips, which I tried, and it helps a bit to clear my mind when it's racing before I go to bed.

Mornings are by far the worst time for me. Maybe that, and later at night, but I can't seem to figure out why mornings are so hard for me. We hardly spent any morning time together, it was usually me getting up before he did, leaving while he was still asleep, and going on with my day. Or if we did get up at the same time, most times I left almost immediately after. I think it's that it's a whole new day that will end up hurting in some way. Today, I was hoping would be different. I have my yearly "camping" trip this weekend, which I am looking forward to so much. Last year was the first time I ever brought anyone to the camping trip, and due to Mr. P's issues, it did not work out very well for me. I was never intending on bringing Google to the camping trip, even if we were still dating, it would have been too soon. So there's no reason for me to feel without him when I'm on this trip, except my brain doesn't work like that.

I'm still feeling up and down about things. I reposted my Match profile, which never brings anything good initially. I feel like in the beginning when you're "new," you get a lot of winks and emails but it's not really anything substantial. I also signed back into Jdate, but I only have a week or so left in that subscription, and let's be honest, nothing good came of that site. The guy who didn't want me to blog about him was back in touch. He is such a creepster, I can't believe of ALL the guys I went out with in December, he was the one I was looking forward to the most? This is why people on paper are never what they seem in person. He wants to hang out and he's SO pushy about it. Seriously, he was so mean to me on our date and he also lives WAY too close to Google, I'd be thinking about Google the entire time if I went over there. And that doesn't bode well for anyone. But he's interested in going out again. Wonderful. The thing is, every single guy I went out with in December (all 6? of them), all asked me out for a second date. And persisted for a week or two before they got the hint, but I was so head over heals with Google I didn't think that maybe I should've been keeping my options open. Google and I never had any kind of discussion if we were or weren't going to see other people. Maybe I should have. I didn't really feel anything special towards Google until our second date, and not that I want to go back out with all these other guys again, but I'm just saying maybe it would be a good idea to give people more of a chance and keep things open, until I know both of us are on the same page. I think at first Google and I were on the same page, but then something changed for him, and he went back without cluing me in. There is one guy, who might have been part of the original December 8, but disappeared after a few emails. He sent me a text message the day I was at the Franklin with Google, saying he was sorry we lost touch, and he'd like to get together, etc. At first I wasn't sure who it was, because he has the same first name as CK, and so I was confused as to why after 2 years would CK be texting me. But I ruled him out when I remembered I had been talking to this guy in December from Match. So when I reposted my Match profile, I emailed him. If I hear back from him, great. If not, I'm not going to sweat it. I wasn't all that excited to hear from him when he texted me before, so if he drops off again, no big deal. I won't lie, I still have some false hope that I'll hear from Google one of these days, too. It takes everything in me not to email/IM/text to see how he is, how he's feeling, etc. I have to assume that he's fine, and if he wanted to hear from me, he would be in touch.

Here's to hoping that this weekend will leave me feeling restored and happy, I'm hoping for no tears on the trip.

Sad. Happy. Fine.

2010-02-17T15:59:00.003-05:00

For the past 3 days I've been an emotional roller coaster. Monday was a wash. I cried for the better part of the day, but spent it amongst good friends and my family. First stop was to my parents' house to drop off more food for my dog, he was staying there because I was supposed to be staying over in Philly from Sunday - Monday, and when those plans were canceled on Sunday afternoon, I was too upset at the time to tell my parents, and go pick him up. He was already there, so I let him stay there over night. The first thing my mom asks, of course, is how my night was. My eyes immediately welled up, and I managed to tell her that we broke up. Now, I'm not saying my mom is happy about this, because she doesn't want to see me upset, but my parents have a dream of me marrying someone Jewish... and well, now that door is open for her once again. I didn't stay long, couldn't really handle it at the time, and left to have lunch/coffee with friends. I hadn't eaten anything in over 24 hours, and forced myself to eat some lunch, which did me no good, because it just made me sick to my stomach anyway. For the past 6 or 7 days now I've been existing on loads of caffeine and approximately one small meal a day (so I don't pass out), my stomach doesn't do well with food & upset. Food = Happy for me. Sad = LOTS of coffee. This may have something to do with why I'm not sleeping well either. Hmm. Anyway, after spending some good girl time, I headed back to my parents where I zoned out in front of the TV for a while, made the mistake of watching the episode of How I Met Your Mother, which I had missed last Monday, and that made me cry. Not because it was sad, but the show reminds me of Google. At dinner with my parents and grandma, I just sat there and tears were streaming down my face, I couldn't even help it. I tried to stop, I've never had this kind of emotional reaction to a break up EVER before. I've been there for friends who have had this kind of thing happen to them, but for me, this was BRAND NEW. And for my parents and grandmother too. I pulled it together, but didn't eat much, since lunch had done nothing good for me. I was zoning out again in front of the tv, when my mom asked me if I wanted any dessert. Oh dear lord, I started crying again. Because dessert reminded me of Google. SERIOUSLY?? Is this the kind of girl I've become?? Is this what happens when someone you really like breaks up with you? I think with all my other break ups I had been way more mentally prepared for them. This didn't take me off guard, I did know it was coming, but I think I didn't prepare myself for it, why should I? We had only been dating less than 2 months, The Bad Kisser was about the same amount of time, and that didn't even affect me in the least. Granted, I didn't really like the Bad Kisser. So, I really liked Google, and he bruised my heart (I refuse to say he broke my heart - because that's a little excessive - don't you think?), and I was sad for an entire day. I had no idea how I would make it back at school the next day. Most people knew, because they read this, or could gather from Facebook posts that not all was well. But there was still the few who would come into my room, with big expectations that I would have some story of my exciting weekend. I only teared up once at school, when I had to tell my co-teacher, other than that, I was pretty much ok. Kids really keep you busy, and they keep your mind off things. And if they think you're sad (and they like you), they are extra good, and sweet. And since we missed school before Valentine's Day, there was a lot of gift giving from the kids, cards and candy, which rather made up for my rather sucky Valentine's Day anyway. My school Valentine's Days are always WAY better than my adult ones.

This brings us to 6th period on Tuesday. I have some fantastic, if not very opinionated, co-workers who I spend my prep time with. They all come from very different perspectives when it comes to giving me advice, and they proceeded to embark on 2 hour tirade which consisted of them completing tearing me apart, breaking this down as to how this whole break up was probably my fault anyway, and what was wrong with me in relationships. Ok, that sounds really harsh, and trust me, most of it was... but I felt really good the entire time we were having this discussion. It helps to see how other people see you, even if the most hurtful things come out. I don't accept criticism. I know. I like to be right. I know this too. I'm defensive. I like to be in control. All of this is nothing new to me, but hearing it from 3 people who see me on a day to day basis, it does open my mind up that maybe there are things about me that I should be dealing with before I jump into the next relationship. Basically it came down to this, What is it about me that attracts the same guy, over and over? Really, Google was just 7 years older version of Mr. Perfect. Parts of his life were more together than Mr. P's, but 7 years ago, he was probably not all that different. I left school feeling great. It sounds weird, but I felt like it was a good break through, and all of this is manageable. I went out to dinner with 2 of my best friends, and I was fine. One of my best friends is convinced that Mr. Perfect is actually "the one" and I just don't know it yet. I don't agree, but it's interesting how set she is on that. We talked, I ate (that made 2 meals for yesterday & dessert, with no tears!), and I went home feeling good and full.

I made the mistake of logging onto Match last night, just to see, my profile is hidden so no one can see if I'm on it or not, and no one can contact me or vice versa. I'm really not ready for it yet. But, I checked and sure enough, Google was already back on and had removed me from his favorites. Well, obviously he would, but just seeing that, made the hurt come back ten fold, and then having eaten such a large dinner was not a good idea. I immediately got nauseous and really upset. I just couldn't believe he was already actively dating, 2 days later. Or at least trying to. I decided it was better to go try and sleep it off than stay up and obsess over it. I slept well until about 3:30, and then couldn't get back to sleep until about 5:30, and my alarm goes off at 6. I was still feeling sick this morning, but I can't let this interfere with my life, so I went to work. First period was abysmal. I couldn't get my head on straight, my students were definitely picking up on my bad mood, putting them into a bad/unproductive mood, and it was not a good class. Thankfully, during my 2nd period break, with the help of colleagues, I got it together and figured out something to do during the next period, which was a good thing because I had my final observation sprung on me, as a surprise right as the period was starting. I knew it was coming sometime this week or next, but I thought because of the snow, it would probably be next. Thankfully all went well, and my final observation as a non-tenured teacher is over! Again, I left school today feeling much better than I came in. No tears today either.

I'm going to be fine. I'm ALWAYS fine. This time though, I actually want to be better than fine. I do want to take my friends' advice and figure out what is it about me that attracts guys with severe depression issues? And why do I want to stay with them through it. Seriously, I can't say that even knowing what I've been through, if Google changed his mind, I wouldn't be interested in trying this out again. KNOWING that he'll have another phase where he'd shut me out, and knowing how hurt that makes me, I'd still do it. That worries me. Because I shouldn't. Because no one in their right mind should care about how another person feels more than how they feel themselves. And that's what it was with Google, for at least the past 2-3 weeks. I was so concerned with his feelings, that I never wanted to tell him how I was feeling about his lack of communication, or that it hurt my feelings when he wouldn't ask me about me, I never wanted to upset him, so I avoided conversations like that. I didn't want to push him. And when I did finally push him, it was because I knew we were going to break up. I'd probably still be sitting around today, wondering what was going on, if I hadn't forced that conversation. I know all this, yet I know that I'd do it again, if he wanted to. That is not fine, and I know that. That's what I need to work on.

Do I think the sad part is over? Not at all. I imagine I'm going to have more bad nights and mornings, and that's part of this process. And I know that there is so much happiness in my life. I am so lucky to have the love in my life, and be able to appreciate it. And for now, I am fine. I'm just hoping sooner rather than later, I'll be better than fine, and back to happy all the time.

Risk

2010-02-14T23:37:00.002-05:00

Tonight I took a risk. I knew how it was going to end, and it wasn't going to make me happy. But I had to do it, and after all is said and done, I am glad I did. I obviously had been feeling that Google wasn't really into this for a while, it amazes me that guys think they are being so slick with their feelings, when they really are totally transparent. So was I totally surprised when Google told me today that he'd rather be alone than see me? Not really. Was I really hurt and upset? Yes. Not because it's Valentine's Day, but I was being shut out and it hurt me more than if he had just been honest. I was at the library when I sent him a text, asking if we still had plans, and he responded that he just wanted to be alone. I responded with something, I don't remember what, but I didn't hear back from him. Being at the library, means I'm online ALL the time. It's a good thing I have a job that doesn't allow me to be online all the time, I would never get ANYTHING done. (I don't know how all you people do it!) Anyway, Mr. Perfect was online too, and he was texting me to see how I was. We talk occasionally on IM, and I hadn't seen him since I took him out for his birthday in October, but he's someone who can give me a pretty good perspective from the guy's point of view and from someone who has dealt with these same issues before. He offered to meet up with me after my shift at the library and go for coffee, so we could talk. I agreed, for a few reasons, one selfish one of not wanting to be alone and miserable, and another for actually really needing to talk to someone about what was bothering me that could actually relate to the opposite side.

We had coffee not far from the library, and talked for a few hours. He offered to take me to a movie tonight, so I wouldn't have to be alone, but I opted for being alone. However... when I got home, I was talking to one of my friends, and after a lot of me spewing out loads of nonsense and hurtful things, I realized that I needed to end things with Google. This was not making me feel good or making me happy anymore. I'm not walking around with the smile I once was, instead I'm fighting back tears anytime anyone asks me about him. So, the only thing to do? Force him to talk to me, and break up. I think I knew it was what he wanted too. I mean depression is one thing, but to actively push someone away this way, speaks much louder than just being depressed. So, I drove over to Google's. I texted him before I left, saying I was coming over, regardless of the outcome, we were having this conversation TONIGHT. I called when I was near his place. No response to either the text or the call. However, not only did I find a parking spot on a night where it was near impossible to park ANYWHERE in the city, I found a spot that was facing his house, directly in front of his street. I could virtually stalk him from there, should I need to. Which is pretty much what I sent in the next text, I said, I found a spot on ___ street, and I'll stay here all night if I have to. No response. Half an hour goes by, and still nothing, so I text again... that it's pretty chilly, but I'm not leaving without having this conversation. He texts me back that he's not home, and I should just go home. Well, that just about made me lose it right there. He couldn't see me but he could go out! Oh hell no. So I texted him back that very statement, and he said, he didn't want to talk to me, and I should go home. Well now it felt like it was turning into a power struggle, and I told him that I came here to talk to him, he needs to come home from wherever he is and talk to me. He replies that he doesn't want to. I sent another scathing text that I have done everything he has ever wanted in this relationship, and the one thing I ask for is a conversation, and he can't give that to me? To which he responds that he wants to break up, and has been feeling this way for a while now. Awesome. I text back, come say it to my face. He responds that he will, in the morning, he'll drive over to my house and we'll talk. No need, I respond, I'll sleep in the car, no biggie. (No response from him) I text him that why doesn't he come home from wherever he is, have this 5 minute conversation with me, and I'll drive him back to wherever he is. Keep in mind throughout all of this, I am raging mad. Furious. I'm imagining he's out at the bar with his friends, they're all laughing at me as I'm sitting in my car waiting for him, and they're telling him what to say, etc. I get a text back from my last one (offering to drive him back to the bar once he's done talking to me...), that he lied, he's home, has been the whole time, and he's coming down to let me in. Oh dear. So my rage quickly turns then, I mean he REALLY did not want to see me, bad enough that he was going to lie to me, be REALLY mean to me through text in the hopes that I would turn around and go home. Well I didn't. And in the end, I'm glad I held my ground.

He comes down, and when I say this boy looks like hell, it hardly does it justice. Now I will always think that he is adorable, no matter what, but he hadn't shaved (possibly showered even?) for days, when we got up to his apartment there were bags of food, girl scout cookies... It did not look like a healthy environment. It makes me really sad to see him that way. It was probably the most heart breaking moment of the evening. I wanted to cry for how bad he must be feeling. But I held my ground, didn't even take off my coat or gloves. I made him tell me how he was feeling - he says he isn't sure about his feelings towards me, but right now does not want to continue dating. This is pretty sad for me, because it's been a long time since I've really liked a guy this much, but I'm glad he was honest with me. I can start getting over it and move on. He goes on to say how he wants us to be friends, and maybe someday he'll feel differently... I don't know if I can handle that so much. That sense of false hope, I'm not going to wait around for him to figure out if this is what he wants or how he feels. I'm going to be sad, and deal with it, and move on. I gave him his Valentine's Day present, which was a cookbook that he really wanted, he looked at it on our first date, and we went to the chef's restaurant for his birthday, so it holds a lot of meaning for me about him. And I knew he really wanted it. He got a little choked up, and teary, which of course made me get a little choked up... but I knew I had to leave. He kissed me goodbye, and said he was sure he'd see me sometime soon (I don't know how that's going to happen), and I left. A bit broken hearted, but a bit stronger knowing that I did the right thing.

I would have spent who knows how many days waiting for him to talk to me after this weekend. Yes, I'm sad that things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, but I don't have all these feelings of anxiety and worry about what will happen next. So, I took a big risk with Google. I put my heart out there, and it got returned a little bit bruised and beaten. But I don't regret a single moment of it, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I will miss him, and I can't imagine getting back out there again. But I know I will, I don't ever stay out of the game for long.

And now for something completely different.

2010-02-14T08:42:00.005-05:00

I've been having a really rough weekend when it comes to Google. (A bad 3 day weekend - go figure!) Except this started during the week, and I haven't seen him since I left his house Monday morning, almost a week ago. I've been really trying to be patient with him, but he is completely shutting me out. I was ok with not seeing him during the snow days, it was really bad outside. The roads were awful, digging out was near impossible, especially in the city. By Friday though, I was getting a little antsy, and wanted to see him. Thursday night, I sent him a text to see if he wanted to have some lunch. My school was closed for a third snow day in a row, and he was working from home. I offered to take the speed line into Philly, and meet him somewhere near the train. This would have provided both of us with minimal travel, and we could have spent an hour or so together, despite the weather. Thursday night he responded that he'd be up for lunch, and he'd pick a place close to the train, so I wouldn't have to walk too far. By Friday morning however, the story was different. He had a headache. He didn't want to walk to Center City. He wanted to go back to bed and sleep all day. I was upset, I'm not going to lie. I was really looking forward to seeing him. What does he say?? "I was really looking forward to getting out of the house for lunch." Thanks. So I go about my day, do some retail therapy with my friends, go to work at the library that night. While I'm at the library, I notice Google is online, so I messaged him asking how his headache is. He responded that he slept all day, isn't feeling well, but not really putting anything into the conversation. Doesn't ask how I am. Doesn't ask how my day was. Nothing. I asked him if he was feeling up to going out, and maybe he could come by my place after I was done work. He said no, and said that on Sunday he'd drive over to my place, so I wouldn't have to find parking. Ok, so we still have plans for Sunday, that's good in my mind. I mention to him (which maybe in hindsight was my first mistake) that I was hoping to see him before Sunday, because I've been feeling kind of off about things, and I wanted to talk to him about it. He responds that he's not ready to talk to me and he has a doctor's appointment on Monday night, maybe he'll be ready to talk to me then. Ok, Monday... But now, I'm thinking, what about Sunday?? I respond that I want to do what's best for him, and that I'm not ready to walk away from this, but if he needs me to, I'll take a few steps back. He responds that we'll talk tomorrow or Sunday about it. I say that I'll email him with what I want to say, he says, don't email. So I don't. Instead I write a letter. A really nice heartfelt letter telling him how much I care about him and that I understand what he's going through, if he wants me to be there, I'll be there, and I put it in a really beautiful card. The problem is, how am I going to get it to him? Saturday I work all day, I don't hear from him all day, even though I see he's online all day. It takes everything in me not to message him, and see how he's doing. A few friends came to visit me at the library, so I got to share the card with them, and they agreed that I needed to give it to him before Sunday. So, after work, one of my friends and I drove into Philly, I taped the card to his door, texted him to check his front door, and left. I never heard back from him. That was at 6pm yesterday, and I still haven't even heard from him that he got the card. So, I went out with my friend, had some drinks, and came home and cried. It was a rather wretched Saturday, as far as Saturdays go...

I've been thinking back on how sad Google has made me these past few weeks, it's pretty reminiscent of my relationship with Mr. Perfect. I know depression is a serious issue, but I never really knew how much it truly transcends onto the others that have to deal with it. I broke up with Mr. Perfect because I gave him the ultimatum, get help for your depression (which I was very willing to stand by him, support him through, whatever) or we break up. He chose his depression over me. That hurt. And now I feel like I'm the same exact situation. Almost a year later, and these feelings of hurt and sadness are really prevalent in my life again. And Google is getting help for it. He sees someone for it, so it feels wrong for me to say, well because you're not as well as I want you to be, I'm done. But he seems to be doing that all on his own.

I've decided that if I don't hear from him by the end of today (especially since we had plans today - it really has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, although it makes it slightly more painful), I'm done. I don't need to surround myself with someone else's sadness if they're not even going to let me in to be there for them. I don't need to absorb his pain when he doesn't care how much he's hurting me. So a few giant steps may be coming at the end of today. Next weekend is the camping trip, which couldn't have come at a better time, and by the following weekend I may be out there scouring the market for new matches. I'm not really looking forward to starting over again, but the sooner I can detach myself from this, the better it will be for me in the long run.

Actions Speak Louder.

2010-02-08T21:42:00.003-05:00

I cleaned my house. Being snowed in, the impending threat of Google coming to my house in the morning, drinking too much wine, all this played a part of the integral cleaning. So, it only took me a few hours (yes, hours - I have a lot of laundry), but my house was ready for company.

I wasn't originally really going to clean my house. Yes, I talked about cleaning it. But when push comes to shove, I'm all talk. I need REAL motivation to get me to actually clean. Real motivation = someone actually coming over my house. So, on Saturday, I didn't clean. I cooked, and watched some tv, and shoveled snow. I was not cleaning. I came in from shoveling, feeling pretty good. I needed to get out of my house, talk with my neighbors, human interaction is usually what I need when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I had some food and some wine. Ok, more wine than food. I was a little drunk, by myself at home, which was fine, except I was messaging Google, and told him he should come over my house. Despite having not cleaned at all, in my drunken stupor, this didn't seem to matter too much. He was going out with his neighbors anyway, and the roads were not ideal. I did not think he was going to take me up on my offer. So, I invited him over, took a bath, and went to sleep. Not thinking he'd ever take me up on this. At 2:30 in the morning, I got a text that he was coming over first thing in the morning, he'd come over now but he was drunk and the roads were still icy. I had been passed out since about 8 the night before (wine does that to me!) and when I got the text, I responded coolly that it would be fine if he came over in the morning. I was going to go back to sleep and get up at 6 to straighten up, is what I told him. He said he'd be over then at 7. Now, I've been dating Google for over 7 weeks at this point. And while I don't know a whole lot about him, I do know his sleep habits. He does not get up easily, nor willingly very often. He oversleeps all the time, and likes to sleep in late. I wasn't worried that if he went to sleep, drunk, at 3 am, he'd be up early enough to get to my house by 7. So again, I assured him it was fine. I tried going back to sleep, unsuccessfully. So I got up and actually started cleaning my house. My bedroom was the worst - I have WAY too many clothes, and really not enough room all of it. Some of it got shoved in the second bedroom. I cleaned, vacuumed, dusted. It was a cleaning frenzy. But it was done in time. At 6 am, I was pretty much finished, tying up some loose ends of cleaning, and around 9, I finally heard from him that he'd be over by 10. I was still pretty shocked. I showered, dressed, and finished any last minute cleaning that I thought was necessary.

He came over and brought breakfast, which was sweet, especially since I had been up since 3, with no food, just a lot of water to stave off the wine hangover. I gave him a brief tour of my house, and he seemed to like it. It's a great house, I know this, but compared to his spectacular apartment, mine feels a little antiquated. I'm really proud of owning my own house, and being able to support myself, and all of that, but he's been doing that for quite some time, and without 3 jobs! I don't think he's thinking any of this, but these are just some of my insecurities. We hung out for part of the day, he left around 2:30, because he had to do laundry/pack for his trip this week, and he was having people over for the Super Bowl, so he needed to do some cleaning too. I had a youth group event planned to watch the Super Bowl, so I was going to go over to his place after the game. I was hesitant to go over because of the snow, the street parking in Philly was going to be wretched. Originally the plan was I was going to park in front of Google's garage, since his flight was super early in the morning, and I was going to drive him to the airport. He found out later in the day that his flight had been canceled, so he wasn't going to be leaving, which meant I couldn't block his neighbors car in the garage, so I'd have to find street parking on really bad roads, late at night. No thanks. I was going to skip going to his place, since I already saw him that day, and he wasn't going away, I wasn't upset anymore about not seeing him. I got a text message from him while I was at the youth group event that he saved a parking spot for me on the street right in front of his house, so parking wouldn't be a problem. There was still the issue of me having to work the next day (2 hour delay and all, but still), the roads being less than ideal, and not getting over there until 11 at night. I decided that since he saved me a parking spot, it showed that he wanted me to come over enough, so I did. I left the youth group event, went home to let the dog out, then went over to Google's to spend the night. The night was nothing exciting, it was nice. We hung out at one of his neighbor's places for about half an hour once I got there, then went to bed. In the morning, he helped me with my car, because my tires are not really built for snow travel, and doesn't handle very well even in the slightest snow conditions.

I made it home just fine, AND he checked in to make sure I got home alright. I thought that was funny since I had JUST posted that I wanted him to do that, but I think it was again, purely coincidental. Also, I was driving home on snowy roads, he SHOULD be checking in to make sure I get home alright!

As far as this week goes, right now I'm being snowed in, yet again, by myself. I'm not feeling bad about it, mostly because I'm trying to think of this week as if he really was away on business (he decided not to go at all because he wouldn't have enough days in the office once he was there), and I wouldn't be seeing him this week anyway. Communication is still lacking when I don't see him. I want to know that it's not "out of sight, out of mind" for him. Just a little something to know that he's thinking of me occasionally throughout the day. He did add me to his Google family and friends list, so I got my Google Buzz yesterday, which I think everyone will get/has already gotten in the next few days anyway. But that's the most I've gotten from him lately. I mentioned at one point over the weekend that it's been a while since we've gone out. The last time we were out to dinner was for his birthday and that was with his neighbors, not just us, the time before that was the Pour House. He mentioned that we'd be going out on Sunday (Valentine's Day) and that he was off on Monday too, though he never asked me if I had plans or not, so he's just assuming we're doing something. I have work that day, and like the last 3 day weekend, I am off on Monday. I don't want it to be like the last time where it ended with me being disappointed, because we didn't have specific plans, and I hoped for something more.

Hopefully this weekend will be better than the last 3 day weekend, maybe I should try to figure out what we're doing BEFORE the weekend, so I'm not left disappointed once again.

Snow Changes Everything.

2010-02-06T08:16:00.005-05:00

7 weeks ago, we were hit with an enormous snowstorm. Record breaking numbers of snow fell, and I was lamenting the state my love life was in (although I had JUST gone on my first date with Google, 2 days prior to that storm). I was feeling sorry for myself, for being single, for not liking how my life was at that very moment, for being stuck inside with just my family while they all had someone. Fast forward one week, and there is a blizzard in Kansas which prevents Google from going home, leading us to our second date, and what I consider to be the actual beginning of our relationship. Fast forward another 6 weeks, and we have yet another snow storm. More record breaking numbers plaguing the area, trapping people wherever they ended up Friday night. Me? Am I blogging this secretly from Google's computer while he sleeps? I wish. No. (and I would NEVER!) I'm home by myself, and I am honestly NOT happy about it.

Maybe I am overreacting. We had plans to go out on Friday night. He was going to meet my friends FINALLY. I've met a lot of his friends, and this is the ONE time I asked him to come to something, mainly because it's the first time we've had something to plan. He was going to come to Debbie's show with my other best friend and her husband, and then Saturday (today), we were going to go snow tubing with his friends, somewhere outside the city. On Thursday, I had a horrible day, wasn't feeling well, and when I came home, he IMed me to tell me that we were expecting a "paralyzing" amount of snow, and he'd pay me back for the ticket I bought for him. Wait, what? I hadn't even sat down yet to process how I would handle the ticket situation, and he's offering to pay me back for his ticket. I was already looking into changing the ticket dates, but I had to wait for my other friends to let me know when was good for them. My friend finally got back to me late Thursday night, and I sent Google a message to let him know that we'd be going to the show at the end of the month instead of Friday, due to the impending snowstorm. He responds with, ok, I'm going to go to my friend's birthday party then. Note, there is NO mention of me joining him, or seeing me at all on Friday. He obviously is well aware of the snowstorm, and that if I don't see him on Friday, there's a good chance I won't get to see him all weekend, until next weekend. I'm not going to let on that this bothers me in the least, and I just say that's fine, and move on. He goes on about his cat peeing all over his bedroom again, and how it will be better the next time I'm there. The next time I'm there? He says, Saturday. I reply - this Saturday or next? And then there is a bit of a miscommunication about what day we're talking about, and eventually ends with his saying, well which Saturday would I like? And of course, I want to see him today, but I knew on Thursday that if it snowed as bad as they were predicting, that wasn't going to be an option. And I told him that. His response, we'll see. What does THAT mean?

I didn't hear from him ALL day yesterday. I sent him a message around 8 or 9, telling him to have fun, but to be careful getting around the city. And I never heard back from him. This upsets me, and frustrates me for so many reasons. First of all, we HAD plans for this weekend. I'm not sure how the snow made it so we had NO plans at all. He's also traveling on Monday for the whole week, so the next time I'll even be able to see him is next Saturday. It's fine if I don't see him for a week, but it feels like I'm putting so much more out there in this relationship than he is. If anything, this has caused me to evaluate the relationship, and is this something that I really want. Do I want to date someone who doesn't check in with me, to see how I'm doing, to make sure I'm safe when I get home (he doesn't, he does tell me to drive safely - when I leave HIS place late at night/early in the morning, but he never texts to make sure I get home alright, which was a huge issue with the bad kisser) Do I want to date someone who doesn't seem all that interested in meeting my friends, when they are a huge part of my life. He doesn't ask me many questions, so I feel all he knows about me, are things I've offered. He doesn't ask me how my day is, when I tell him that I had a bad day, he doesn't ask me why, or show any kind of sympathy greater than "that sucks." I know he's been single for over 5 years. And after time, you get used to just worrying about you, and being in a relationship is a learning curve for both people... and I'm really trying. And the worst/best part of it all? I really like him. 100%, not a doubt in my mind how I feel about him. I can see myself in a relationship with him for a long time. I have no idea how he feels about me. When we're together - I think I know. But as soon as there are days between when we last saw each other, I start to wonder.

So, right now, I'm snowed in. Again. And this time, I'm really alone. Not with my family wishing I had someone to cuddle with alone, like really and truly in my house, with no one here. At this point, I'm not sure what will happen, I'm waiting to see what this snow fall will bring.

20 point checklist.

2010-02-01T23:43:00.003-05:00

On Saturday the weather was less than ideal, snowy and the roads were slippery. Yet, Google and I proceeded to go out to his friend's party which happened to be a mere 5 minutes from my house. Probably walkable had it been really necessary. It wasn't, but still. So Google picks me up, and I have my purse and a bag with clothes for staying over his place. He looks at my stuff and says, That's a lot of stuff for a party. I responded that I wasn't being presumptuous but I needed to bring clothes for work the next day, just in case I was staying over. He responded that he had planned on staying at my place, since the roads were so bad and we were so close to my place anyway. Unfortunately for him, that's not an option. My house is a mess. Not like sort of messy. Like a certifiable mess, boarding on the verge of someone calling the show Hoarders on me. Ok, maybe not THAT bad. But you can't see my dining room table. And I have more clothes not in my closet and drawers than I do in. So it's bad. And I'm not going to bring ANYONE into my house like this. I've had PLENTY of time to get my house together, but it seems like every night I have free, I usually end up doing something for work, or going to the gym, or seeing Google. So I really don't have that much free time.

Anyway, we get to this party, where we're greeted warmly by his friends from California. The first thing the wife asks me if we can be friends on facebook, because she feels stalkerish looking at all my pictures when we're not friends. Of course, I agreed, and while we're not yet facebook friends, at least I know she's looking at my pictures. She then proceeds to tell Google that after spending 3 days with his mom (she flew out Google's mom for a work event), she now knows what's wrong with him. I look at him curiously, and ask what IS wrong with him exactly. His friend goes on to talk about his mom's 20 point checklist that she had to go through upon checking into the hotel, and other subsequent idiosyncrasies that she learned about through this visit. A 20 point checklist was what stood out in my mind. I'm not sure that I want someone to come into my house with any potential checklist in mind. Now, I know that Google is not his mother, but apparently according to his friend, it explains so many things that are wrong with him. This makes me nervous. And on top of that, his friend goes on to tell me that should I ever meet Google's mom, that I need to call her first, so she can fully prepare for the enormity that would be that visit. Scary.

I don't have a problems with moms, per se. It's just that I've never dated a guy who had a mom that liked me. To be fair, I've only met the moms of two of the guys I've dated. First was the guy who I lived with, and his was his step-mother. She was a controlling bitch. Sorry, but she was. About 4 months into my relationship with this guy, she and her husband tried to get him to break up with me by telling him that I wasn't good enough and no one would ever love him as much as his parents did. Creepy. I met his real mother once or twice (she lived far away in another state), and she was very nice to me, and supposedly liked me a lot. But that wasn't the family experience I had to experience for over 2 years with this guy. I read recently that my ex is married now, which is wonderful for him. But I also read that his parents ruined his wedding, which doesn't surprise me one bit. He posted how much his parents tried to control his wedding, and make it all about them. It sounds like everything they ever tried to do when we were together. I'm so glad that's not me. My other parental experience was with Mr. Perfect's parents. His dad was wonderful and very nice to me all the time. His mother, well, she wasn't very nice to anyone to be honest. In the year and a half that we were together, I never once saw her hug Mr. Perfect or tell him that she loved him, or anything affectionate that a mother should do. Mr Perfect insists that his mom did like me, she's just like that with everyone. And that very well could be the case. She just never made me feel welcome, or accepted at family functions. His grandma was another story. She loved me, and sent me cards, and baked us cookies. She was great. But when it comes to mothers, I have an 0 for 2 track record.

I don't anticipate having the opportunity to meet Google's mom anytime soon, however, I have to say that in light of the recent information that was given, I should probably make sure my house is clean enough to pass a 20 point checklist sometime in the near future.

Google has promised to stop giving me crap about my house not being clean enough for him to come over. I asked him this weekend if this bothers him, he said it sort of did, but there is a story behind why he doesn't want to give me crap about it. This friend I met this weekend knows this story, and he doesn't want me to know... it has peaked my curiosity enough for me to consider emailing her about it... but for now, I won't. I'll let sleeping dogs lie, but I might email her for that checklist.

Oh Baby.

2010-01-29T22:03:00.003-05:00

Last night was Google's birthday. It was a celebratory event as it was also his downstairs neighbor's birthday as well, so his whole house was going out to celebrate both birthdays. I was planning on sending him chocolates to his office on Thursday, but he decided to work from home instead, so I had to send him the chocolates on Wednesday instead. I was very nervous about them getting there and to him, because I'd imagine that the Google offices are huge. But, despite all the odds against me that day (there is another person who works there with the same name, who normally works in the CA office, but apparently was working in NYC this week... and got the chocolates originally!) he did get the chocolates that day (thanks, Rachel!) I did spend a good part of the day worried/stressing over whether or not he got them, since I didn't end up hearing from him until he was on his way from work. But I did hear from him, so I'm not going to stress it.

Last night, I got him a few presents that reminded me of him/our time together, and I think he was pretty appreciative of them. We hung out for a bit then headed over to Chifa for dinner with the neighbor whose birthday it also was. I had been very concerned before the date about payment, because I had no idea how his neighbors handle all this with it being 2 birthdays. Not that I minded paying for his other neighbor, but I didn't know what to expect. So I made sure I had enough cash on me, which I never do, an extra ATM stop on my way was necessary.

Google found out earlier this week that he's going to be an uncle, which is great news. Apparently all but one of his neighbors knew this news, so he decided to tell her at dinner. Instead of saying, "I'm going to be an uncle," as he told me, he says, "My mom is going to be a grandmother." Now, I had heard this news earlier, so I was paying attention, but I wasn't REALLY paying attention. I was just sitting there, sipping my sangria, gauging the reaction of his neighbor to this news. So at first I was confused as to why she wasn't immediately congratulatory, until I realized that she thought that he meant that I was pregnant. I nearly spit out my drink as soon as I realized that was what she thought as she stammered through some strange congratulatory remarks. Which were more like, "Um, wow. That's really great news..." I turned about 10 shades of red, and clarified that I most certainly was NOT pregnant. I was mortified. I mean obviously it wasn't my mistake, but if after 6 weeks of dating, they would assume that I even COULD be pregnant, well, that doesn't really speak well for me in their eyes. Right? The rest of dinner was great. We did end up splitting the dinner 3 ways (covering both Google's and his other neighbor's birthday), so it's a good thing I made the ATM stop on my way! Google, of course, did not want me paying for him. So he kept trying to give me money, which eventually I took some of it, put the rest in his pocket, which he used to pay for the cab ride home. I used what he gave me to pay for lunch today. The rest I will use to buy him some wine for his apartment. I think it's sweet that he didn't want me paying for him, but he could have let me, and I would have been fine with that. Like I've said before, he treats me very well, it's hard to get used to!

I am struggling a bit with how I think Google's neighbors think about me. Ultimately, it doesn't matter to me what they think of me. I want them to like me, but if they don't, oh well. They're just his neighbors... and probably his closest friends that live in Philly. He considers them his extended family, and yes, it does matter if they like me. I wish it didn't. But this is new territory for me, because really I've never dated a guy who has ANY friends. I'm glad that he wants to involve me in his life and introduce me to all his friends (tomorrow I get to meet his friend from college and his wife who are visiting from California). He hasn't met any of my friends yet. The annual camping trip is coming up, last year Mr. Perfect came with me to that. That is the first time I EVER brought anyone to the camping trip. It did not go well. Mr. P was anti-social, and very awkward the entire time, even stormed out one time when he was angry with me/a situation and basically made a lot of that weekend very uncomfortable for me. My friend keeps asking if I want to bring Google, and I'm sure he'd fit in much better, but I'm a little gun-shy to bring anyone this soon. If we were going to the Poconos like we usually do, I'd ask him to come up just for a night, like Sat-Sun. But we're going to a different house, and it's like 5 hours away, which is a lot just for a weekend, too much just for a night. I'm going to see how this weekend pans out, and maybe I'll ask him to come.

We spend a lot of time together, and every time (with the exception of the Monday I overstayed my welcome) has been a fantastic time. I have my reservations, as I think is normal in any relationship, but so far so good. I'm definitely thinking long-term with Google, but I don't know if that's how he's thinking yet.

In Between Time.

2010-01-24T19:04:00.002-05:00

Right now, I'm in between time with Google. We just spent a really nice afternoon together. We went to brunch and to the movies. We didn't have plans to hang out today, but yesterday morning when I was leaving I accidentally left my camera there and I need it for school tomorrow, so he said he'd drop it off. I suggested having brunch and going to see a movie since he was already coming out here. During the movie, I was back and forth in my own head about where is this going. I'm trying to not be in my head so much, to not think about the future and just live in the moment and enjoy it... but sometimes in the moment, I ask myself, is this something I want for a long time?

I've mentioned before that Google is not affectionate, publicly. And sometimes even when it's just us, I feel like it's work for him to do things that come naturally to me. Like a hug or holding hands or anything like that, I don't think he thinks to do that instinctively. I think this is something that can be learned.

We went to see Avatar today, which was supposed to be the movie we saw on our second date, but we ended up seeing Up in the Air instead.. which is shorter, and wasn't sold out everywhere at the time. It was a better choice for a second date. A month later, Avatar is still sold out on the weekends, at least in IMAX. I told him I would go over early and pick up the tickets because he was afraid it would be sold out, and I got there 2 and a half hours early, but it was still sold out. So we saw it in 3D instead, which was fine. During the course of this really long movie, we didn't have a whole lot of contact. I would occasionally have my hand on his arm or something, but we weren't cuddling like I'm used to at the movies. This bothers me, but I'm not going to let it stop me from showing affection. However at one point during there was an especially upsetting scene to me, and I normally would have gone to hold the person I'm with's hand at that point, but I didn't want to have to think about my actions on top of my emotions at that point. So since we're not doing the whole hand holding thing... I pulled away, not a whole lot. But I guess it was noticeable. He reached over and held my hand, which may not seem like a huge deal to anyone else, but to me, it was completely reassuring. To me, it shows that he cares about how I feel, and while affection might not be the most natural thing for him to show, he's willing to try.

After the movie, I was a little disappointed because this week is busy and his birthday is on Thursday, so I probably won't see him before then. And we spent a good amount of time together, but it's definitely less than I'm used to (especially after last weekend!). But I didn't want to push it, after the conversation we had last week, I want to give him as much space as he needs, whenever he needs it. I wasn't even supposed to see him today, so I was feeling good that we did spend already 6 hours together. We were leaving the theater and he asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day. I was confused because it was almost 6:30, so the day is pretty much over. I told him I didn't have any plans, and asked what he was doing. He told me that he was going to make dinner for himself and his neighbors, and I was welcome to come over if I wanted. Of course I want to. I know I'm supposed to make him miss me, and not see him every time he wants to see me. But these games are things I'm not good at. So I'm on my way over there in about 10 minutes, for dinner and dessert (L&S, that's for you!), and I'll be coming back home tonight.

My reservations are still there, but I'm feeling the old excitement coming back too. I'm not worrying about how long this is going to last, or where this might end up, at least I'm going to try. I can't change what I went through with Mr. Perfect, but I will use every bit of what I learned to make whatever this is work with Google.

Intuition.

2010-01-20T23:04:00.002-05:00

So I was not completely wrong when I felt that something was off between me and Google this past weekend. I don't think it was so much my intuition as it was something that was glaringly obvious. We spent too much time together and he was just desperately itching for some space. That's fine, I just had different expectations. The weird thing is that when we were out tonight for dinner, and HE brought it up (I was not going to say anything!), he mimicked my words from the blog almost verbatim. He said that he could tell I was disappointed and he thought I had different expectations for the day. Um. Yup. Exactly what I wrote. I don't think he's found the blog or anything, but it does concern me that he used the exact same words I did to describe exactly how I was feeling. Clearly I wasn't hiding my feelings very well.

All of this does not come without a whole new set of reservations. Google opened up a bit to me tonight after dinner, which was really nice. I don't feel like we've had many talks that have been about ourselves. I try sometimes, but usually it's unsuccessful. So when he brought it up tonight, I was very pleased with that. I have concerns that it's very similar to the issues I dealt with Mr. Perfect and ultimately what caused us to break up. I feel like I might bring Mr. P's baggage into this tied up with my own some how. I'm really glad he told me, but it definitely threw me for a loop. It was NOT the conversation I was expecting to have tonight. I had planned out the conversation that I thought was the worst possible scenario and this was no where near as bad, but surprising. Now that I know, I can see similarities in behavior between Google and Mr. P. I'm not going to allow this to interfere with something that could be really great, but it's in my mind now, and it's something that will be there until I feel confident that it won't end the same way that things with Mr. Perfect did.

I don't ever want to be in a place where I was a year ago again. I don't make mistakes so I can repeat them, if I learned anything from my situation with Mr. Perfect is that I can't fix someone else's problems. I'm pretty sure despite their similarities with these issues, Google has a few years of experience on Mr. Perfect, and here's to hoping that his coping mechanisms are better in tact.

Tonight ended up being a very good night to get to know Google a little better. I was very nervous/anxious about the outcome of tonight's date. All in all, I'm glad my gut still in this game, and I can trust my instincts. I'm also going to learn from experience and tread carefully for however long it takes. There's no need to rush into this, so maybe a few steps back wouldn't hurt anyone.

Expectations

2010-01-18T22:39:00.003-05:00

In school we set expectations for a lesson before we teach it, it helps guide us to where we want our students to go, and we can assess if they actually learned what we wanted them to learn. In real life, expectations are nothing but trouble. I have the habit of keeping my expectations very low, for about a week, and then once things start to progress in a direction I think is favorable, they sky rocket. Which of course only leads me to be bitterly disappointed when things don't work out the way that I want/think they should.

Things with Google have been progressing well... maybe too well? We've been going out, seeing each other multiple nights during the week/weekend, went on a double date with one of his friends last week, he took me to a concert this past weekend. I've been pretty good at keeping my hopes high but expectations low with him. I guess I flipped the switch this weekend, and the expectations shot up a bit beyond my control.

We saw each other Thursday night for the double date. We went to the Franklin Institute for the night sky event they do once a month. It was a great time, very interesting. It was cool to hang out with another couple, I had met them at new year's but I got to talk to them more on Thursday obviously. We went back to his place, I stayed over and left very early in the morning for school. I had to work Friday night, and we had talked about hanging out one or both nights this weekend, since we were both off on Monday. I had to work at the library all weekend, so Monday was truly my only day off. Days off for me are like gold. I don't just spend them with anyone because a full day off is hard to come by with my schedule. When he originally asked me if I was off on Monday, and I told him I was, he responded with an excited "yes!" which I took as a good sign. We didn't actually make plans for Monday, but after that response, I figured we'd be doing something together.

Saturday night we went out in West Chester. A band he really likes was playing, and he was excited to go back there since he hadn't been there in a few years, and he wanted to show me around where he used to live, etc. Seriously, it was like being with someone who was going back to his hometown for the first time in years. He pointed out all the places he used to hang out, his favorite park, the hill he went sledding on when it snowed... All of this from when he lived there when he was 28. But it was the first place he lived in on the east coast, and I'm sure it holds a lot of memories for him. I get that way about Brooklyn sometimes. We went to dinner at a very good sushi restaurant and the band was very good. (I have to say, of all the guys I've dated, we have a very compatible palate - food wise and musically - more so than anyone else so far.) The one area we seem to be incompatible is affection. I'm not an overly affectionate person in public. I like the usual, hand holding, an arm around the other person, a hand on the knee or back. I'm not overly PDAish, but compared to how completely unaffectionate Google is, I might as well be the most overtly affectionate person you've ever met. When we're out in public I get NADA from him. He did kiss me on the street between dinner and the concert, and that was SHOCKING to me. He also put his hand on my knee on the drive home that night, which was also surprising. And that is it in terms of affection that I got from Google that night. When we got back to his place, it's a whole different story, naturally. Night and Day.

All in all, Saturday night was the best night of the weekend. We had a great time, I was exhausted though, but when all was said and done, I thought it was the most he had opened up to me, sharing with me his life in West Chester, and taking me to see the concert. Sunday morning he drove me back to my house because I had to work. He mentioned that he didn't want to ask me to do anything with him on Monday because it was my day off, and I should be able to do anything I want on that day. I assured him that I wanted to spend my day off with him, again, no set plans were made... so maybe I was wrong to assume.

Sunday night after the library and my youth group meeting, I went over to Wegmans, picked up some food for dinner, and went over to Google's. I made a fairly awesome comfort food dinner of grilled cheese (Gruyere) on ciabatta bread with sliced avocado and bacon, paired with a side of tomato bisque soup and sweet potato fries. It was delicious. We watched tv, finished the rest of UP from last weekend, and then started to watch the pilot of this show he's very much into. I fell asleep about 20 minutes in, so I can't tell you much what it's about. We were both fairly tired, so we went to bed, and really just slept.

Yesterday was one month since our first date (I did not mention that to him - it didn't really seem relevant), and to be at the point where we spent an entire night/morning together that may have been passed by a G rated movie slightly unnerves me. Not that I need to be completely physical, all the time, but that's the only time I feel like I receive affection from him. If you take that out of the equation - it's no different than hanging out with a buddy. So, Sunday night and Monday morning lacked affection.

This morning we got up, and needed to get some coffee. He had mentioned making breakfast the night before, so when we were at the coffee shop, I was surprised when he got a cinnamon roll too. He asked me if I wanted anything, but I didn't get anything because I still for some reason thought he was going to make breakfast when we got back. He didn't. We watched Star Wars (because on Thursday night when we were out with his friends - it came up in conversation - he asked me a direct question about it - I had to admit that I have never in my life been able to stay awake long enough to watch the entire movie - I can no longer say that.) and around 1pm, he mentioned that he wanted to go for a bike ride. This wasn't a "let's go on a bike ride together" kind of comment. It was a "I'm going on a bike ride, you need to go" kind of comment. I was very confused because I had thought we were going to spend the day together. It was a beautiful day out. And I can understand him wanting to spend the day outdoors, I did too. We could have definitely done something outside, together. But he made it clear that he wanted to ride his bike, so I left. I hadn't eaten anything all day, I was frustrated that I had planned my day/evening to be in the city (I was going out for restaurant week with friends - so I planned on staying in the city all day and just meeting up with them after... not driving out and back to the city, yet again.) I was very let down, expectations wise. From where we started on Saturday to where we ended up today, I was just disappointed. Even the conversation we had briefly tonight left me feeling like maybe things have shifted a bit, things aren't looking as rosy as they once were, and I'm definitely not all smiles all the time. Oh real life, welcome back.

Smiles for miles

2010-01-11T00:54:00.005-05:00

I've started writing this many many times. And no matter how I try to write it - it comes out sounding silly or poorly written. I could give you just the details of my date from Saturday night to Sunday, it was a lovely date. Or I could tell you how incredibly smitten I am when I'm with Google, but how I get nervous that it's all going to change when I leave. That I'm waiting for that other shoe to drop.

Let's go back to after the last date... Wednesday into Thursday, I was on cloud 9. As the day progressed, and I don't hear from Google as often as I'd like, I get nervous. Like maybe he's losing interest, instead of thinking about the rational - like maybe he's just working. I didn't really talk to him at all on Thursday, it was a busy day for both of us, and later on at night we were IMing, but he was DRUNK. I told him it's a good thing I could read inventive spelling after all my years teaching, or else it would have been an impossible conversation. I sent him a text the following morning, but didn't hear from him all day (again... I know, he's working, yet I think of it as disinterest.) I got home from work, and was checking up on twitter (he updates more on twitter than on facebook, it's a better way for me to find out what he's been up to), and I noticed he had a post from late late the night before when he was really drunk. It was about me. And he called me his girlfriend. After a whole day of thinking he was no longer interested because I hadn't heard from him all day, I was pretty happy to read that, but slightly perturbed by its meaning. Is he my boyfriend? We haven't had the DTR... at what point do you no longer need the DTR? We've only been dating for 3 weeks at this point. I think the DTR is still essential. I vowed to bring it up when I saw him on Saturday.

Wednesday he mentioned he wanted to take me "somewhere nice" Saturday night. I have no idea what this means. To Mr. Perfect, somewhere nice was the Olive Garden instead of Applebees, which was fine with me, but I had no idea what somewhere nice means to Google... except I was pretty sure it meant neither Olive Garden OR Applebees. He took me Saturday night to Tequilas. Oh dear lord, it was PHENOMENAL. One of my top 5 meals ever, I think it's safe to say. It was a fantastic night, at one point we had the small dining room all to ourselves. It was very romantic. We had margaritas, shared appetizers, delicious entrees, and dessert. It was a feast! The only time I'd ever be able to afford all that is during restaurant week (which is coming up - yay!), but this was not restaurant week, nor was it cheap at all. It's a different world dating someone who can afford to go to these places, and actually wants to take me to them. When I dated the poker player, who could definitely afford to take me anywhere I wanted to go, he never ever would have even thought about taking me somewhere nice. I always had to plan it. It's nice to date a guy who wants to take me out and surprise me with romantic gestures, big or small.

When we got back to his place, he set up the loft area so we could lay down and watch a movie by the fireplace. It was heavenly. After such a great meal, and an even more romantic setting, I start wondering if this is possibly even real. Seriously, does this happen to people? Does this happen to me??

In the morning, we lounged around for a while before deciding we were hungry, and walked over to the museum area for brunch. He took me to the Franklin Institute (really, just the Franklin now,) we saw the Body Worlds exhibit, a planetarium show, and wandered around the museum a bit. The last time I was there not on a field trip with my students must have been years and years ago, I can't remember the last time I went and actually got to enjoy myself without worrying about 80 kids at the same time. I had a lot of fun.

After the museum, we walked over to Whole Foods where Google got some ingredients to prepare dinner for his neighbors. It seems that every once in a while, one of his neighbors will cook a big meal, and they'll all gather to eat it. It's like a big family dinner - only without the family. It's a very cool living situation. Google made a delicious family recipe of chicken and noodles served in a chicken stock gravy over mashed potatoes (I made those!!) His neighbors came up for a few hours and I got to talk to them some more, although towards the end I was getting anxious for some alone time with Google before I had to head back to reality. I never got to bring up the girlfriend comment or the DTR this weekend, but maybe we don't need it. Maybe once you reach a certain age, these things are just understood.

I have to say that the time the two of us spend together is quickly becoming my favorite thing. I look forward to seeing him so much, and I don't ever want our time to end, it takes a lot for me to finally get in my car and get on my way home. He's inviting me out with his friends more often - he asked me to go out with them tonight but I couldn't make it, and Thursday we're going to some star watching exhibit at the Franklin with his friends. We talked about maybe going up to the city on Monday, although I feel bad making him travel there on his day off... he does that commute so often! I haven't been since October, and I'm itching for a visit. He also invited me to go out with him and his neighbors for his birthday (and one of his neighbor's birthday) in a few weeks. I like that he's thinking at least 2 weeks ahead!

So, this is my life right now. I'm so smiley all the time. Anytime anyone asks me about him, I just get this huge smile on my face and turn a few shades of red. This is so new for me... please, bear with me.

Smitten

2010-01-07T21:33:00.003-05:00

As if there were any question, I am officially smitten with Google guy. Seriously, it's a bizarre kind of euphoric excitement. I can't really equate to anything I've ever experienced before. I'm just plain ol' happy. He sent me flowers to school on Monday, which was a HUGE surprise. In the back of my wishful thinking mind, I thought, wouldn't it be nice to get flowers after spending such a lovely weekend together.. and not for a second did I ever think that would come to fruition. Well, there I was, teaching 5th period Social Studies, when I get a phone call from the attendance office, asking me if I can come down there. I was kind of rude when I told the lady who called that I couldn't come down because I was teaching (duh!), and she asked if I'd still be teaching when she came off her post at 1:15, because there was something there for me in the office. Of course my immediate thought is that I got flowers, because anytime I've ever received flowers at school (and surprisingly, I've gotten them a few times!), they call from the attendance office. But I quickly dismiss this idea... How would he know where to send them, have I told him where I teach, surely he wouldn't remember. I also remembered then that I just had a project funded through a donor's program, and I was expecting a brand new Digital SLR camera for my classroom... that was what I spent myself convinced it was in the office waiting for me, and not flowers, so I wouldn't be disappointed. When the flowers did arrive, my 5th period (true to every 5th period I've had before) was instantly curious about the sender. They were convinced it was my co-worker who sent them to me. He and I went to prom together my junior year, and the kids had just seen our prom picture - so they are convinced there is something more going on there. It doesn't help that he likes to fuel their fire (by asking questions like - Did you see the flowers I sent Ms. B?) But no, they were in fact from Google, with quite possibly the simplest, nicest note, "Best start to a year ever." My kids were bemused at how red my face would turn when they would ask me questions, so they fired away, not getting much out of me. And they were pleased with the fact that I was suddenly too happy to care what they really were or weren't doing.

Last night, I went to Google's place, where he cooked me dinner. It was delicious, and the entire evening was, in my book, pretty close to perfect. I'm all smiles all the time. It's a strange state for me to be in. I am really trying super hard to reign in all the emotions, and realize that just 3 weeks ago today was our first date - which I'm glad I didn't cancel due to lack of heat! I have a really hard time reading him, how he feels. I'm pretty sure he's reciprocating the feelings, but he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve (or on his face) like I do... I couldn't hide it if I tried tonight.

Last night we talked about all the things that had to fall in place in order for this to work itself out, a blizzard in Kansas being the main one. Had he gone home to Kansas, I wouldn't have gotten a chance to really see him before New Year's, which clearly I would not have spent with him then, and the rest of this would have turned out much differently. He mentioned the movie, L.A. Story, which I haven't seen, but apparently there is something about weather changing the course of your life. I'm pretty sure I have a blizzard in Kansas to thank for what has so far been a fantastic beginning to a new year.

In the new year.

2010-01-02T23:26:00.002-05:00

My first post of the new year, of the new decade! This is going to be a good year, if new year's is any indication.

Wednesday this past week (I know - it's Saturday already! I've had no time, you'll see why!!) Google and I had planned to hang out during the day. He was very busy getting ready for his new year's party, and I didn't want to keep him from getting done anything that he needed to do, but he insisted that he could get all his work done and still have time to go out. Originally, the plan was we were going to go to the art museum, he was going to give me some photography lessons, maybe watch some movies, get some dinner, etc. I knew that there was no way this was all going to happen in a day, but I was looking forward to the prospect.

I got there around 2pm, I met 2 of his neighbors (who live in the same building), and they were really nice. I had been nervous about meeting them because he spends A LOT of time with his neighbors, they are basically his best friends in Philly, and I knew their opinions would hold a lot of weight. Not that I thought they wouldn't like me, but I'm used to dating guys with no friends... so it's a little new. They are very cool (one reminds me a lot of myself, so that's a good thing, I think?) We decided to take a drive through Fairmount Park and try to catch some good light to take pictures. We really just ended up driving around and seeing the park. I think in all the years I've lived around Philly, I've never been through the whole park. We saw almost all of the park, we stopped only once, at the civil war memorial. It's really beautiful, but unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures. After our drive around the park, we had to stop and get some supplies for Google's pictures that he's framing. Before we went to the art store, we got lunch, delicious pizza and beer. We got some framing stuff, and went back to his place. He bought a 12 ft Christmas tree for his apartment, but didn't want to buy it before Christmas... understandably so, searching online for how much pre-lit 12ft Christmas trees cost, AFTER christmas, I haven't seen one that's less than $900. He wanted it up for his holiday party, and had it delivered on Wednesday, so we spent a good deal of time putting together this tree, decorating it. We took a trip to Target to get more decorations for the tree and some things for the party. Most of the day had been spent preparing things for this party, and it was a weird He's Just Not That Into You moment. If you've seen the movie, it was the party "hosting" scene, where the main girl didn't really know what role she played in the party. Now I KNOW I'm not hosting this party, but I'm doing a lot of prep work to be just a guest! But that's all I was going as, and that is fine by me. After Target it was nearly 8:30, and we just got some Pei Wei take out, went back to his place and watched (500) Days of Summer (yes, again for me! Love this movie). After the movie, we went to the bedroom, however this was thwarted by his cat. Google has a cat who is getting up there in years, and was upset about something that day, and peed in his bed. We didn't discover this until I laid down and realized that there was a wet spot on the bed. Yes, I laid in cat pee. Google was HORRIFIED. Rightfully so, I think most girls might have bolted at this point. I'm flexible, I took off my sweater (had a t-shirt underneath), and suggest we go lay upstairs by the fireplace, to keep warm. :) So, we're in his loft space, which has the fireplace, the roof deck, huge windows overlooking the art museum... it was quite the perfect setting. We forgot about the cat problem quickly. I ended up staying until after 3 am, and was still planning on coming back the following day!

New Year's Eve, all my other plans fell through, and Google's party was the only one I had to go to. I didn't want to go too early though, and knew I'd be meet a lot more of his friends, so I stressed about what to wear, what to bring, etc. I ended up stopping by the Target near my house and picking up a lot more decorations that they didn't have at the Target the day before. I thought it was a really nice gift, but felt weird going into the party with a bag full of Christmas decorations. By the time I got to the party, drove around the neighborhood for parking for a while, it was raining, I didn't care so much anymore. He was very good about introducing me to everyone, and everyone had clearly known who I was before I got there (good sign?). All his friends were really very nice and welcoming towards me. They all treated me as if I had been there as all of their friends and not just as his guest/date. It was a good feeling, nothing to be nervous about. Leading up to the new year, we played Apples to Apples, drank lots, and eventually made it up to the roof deck for the new year fireworks after watching the ball drop on TV. Besides a very sweet new year's kiss from Google, I got lots of warm hugs from many of his friends. It's a good group to be a part of, there wasn't any one there that made me feel like I didn't belong or treated me like an outsider. After the new year's excitement died down, the crowd settled in rousing renditions of Beatles Rockband songs. I think I came across as being much more shy than I really am, but when I'm in new situations, I'm not as outgoing as I tend to be once I'm more comfortable. I did eventually sing something. The party wrapped up around 3 and Google mentioned he still hadn't made his bed since he washed his entire bedding collection after the cat incident. So I suggested instead of making the bed, just go back to the fold out futon and the fireplace in the loft. I feel like this may become one of my favorite places, ever.

In the morning, we laid around for a while, eventually got up and went to brunch. We came back, and were very lazy for the rest of the day. We watched movies, took a nap, listened to music, took another nap. At 8, his neighbor downstairs had made dinner for the house, so we went down to her apartment to eat dinner. By this point we had spent nearly 3 days straight together. I couldn't tell if he was getting sick of me and wanted me to leave before dinner, or if he really wanted me to stay longer. I did stay, we had a delicious dinner, wine, and watched some tv with his neighbors. After all this, I eventually made my way back home. We talked about him coming to my house next Saturday (so I could have enough time to clean - yes, I need a week's notice!), but dinner on Wednesday is in the works too because neither of us wanted to wait a whole week. Needless to say, I'm not dating anyone else at this point.

All of the 5 guys who were in the works previously texted or called me to wish me a happy new year, and I'm sure I could see any of them if I wanted to continue dating them. Here's where I stand on these guys. 1) Guy who lives with his ex - really? Are we still doing this? We see each other maybe once a month, text occasionally, it's definitely not a relationship. I'd like to be friends with him, but I have no idea if that's something he would want. 2) Phillies Writer - we had a date tentatively scheduled for Wednesday, but he takes a long time to get back to me, I didn't hear from him from Friday until Tuesday night. So I had already made other plans at that point. He's not making a whole lot of effort to see me again, so I'm not really interesting in seeing him. 3) Music guy has emailed me and called since our date. I emailed him back, thanking him for the cd, and told him I wasn't going to be around for the concert on Thursday. He called me after the concert to wish me a happy new year, I haven't gotten back to him. 4) the guy who didn't want me to blog about him called me on Wednesday, while I was at Google's. I was actually baffled at why he was calling me. Based on how we left the date (again, if you need the details - email - i3rooklyngirl@gmail.com), I couldn't imagine why he would ever think I would have any interest in seeing him again. I didn't answer, I have no intention of calling him. That one is not even worth the effort of a cordial response. 5) The Christmas Eve bowling guy has texted me a few times since our date. I've kept the responses to a minimum. I wished him a Happy New Year, and that's about it. I haven't heard from any of them since the new year. In 2009, I had 6 potential prospects.

And then there was one.

New year, a new relationship, things are looking up for 2010.

200+ Email me for more.

2009-12-28T10:43:00.009-05:00

This is my 200th post on the blog! The bicentpost, it should be a good one!

Yesterday was quite an intense day, dating wise. I felt like I went from one date to the next, with little down time in between. I'm sure you can imagine that by the time I got to drinks for the last date, I was a little fried, and definitely exhausted.

The first date of the day (I don't count the end of the google date as the first date because it was ending, not beginning yesterday!) was with the music teacher from PA. We had talked on the phone a few times, and I had mentioned that we had a pretty strong connection - at least musically. We talked about our favorite songs for 2009, and what would be on our own cds if we made a "best of 2009" CD. I had thought about making my own CD, and bringing it to him on the date, as sort of a fun way to introduce some of the music I listen to. It's an interesting way to get to know someone better. But, I never got around to burning a copy of my CD, which I did make (if anyone wants a copy!) He, however, did make me a cd, and interestingly enough, had about 5 of the same artists, and 3 of the same songs even. He volunteers at the radio station I primarily listen to and has seen a lot of the same concerts I have. He was actually the same concert I went to in Upper Darby in November at the Tower. There's definitely a musical connection there, but that doesn't mean there is a good dating connection!

We met up for lunch not far from where Mr. Perfect lived, so I was pretty confident about where I was going and how to get there. Unfortunately, some of the roads down in true South Jersey are confusing, and long story short, I got lost. I showed up about 15 minutes late, but I did call him and let him know, so hopefully he didn't care too much. My first impression of him, which probably is going to be a less than ideal description, is that he looked a lot like Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Yes, I just compared the guy I went out with to a cartoon character. So, he's on the bigger side, not huge, but some extra pounds, which I actually prefer on a guy. That's not the part that made him look like a cartoon character, it was something about his face, and his hair cut, and the combination that gave him a very distinct Peter Griffin look. While I find Family Guy to be an amusing show, I'm not sure it's what I'm looking for in a guy.

We had lunch, he gave me his cd, and I'd say 90% of the conversation was about music. We have a great shared interest in the same type of music, so that is definitely great that we can talk about it. 5% of the conversation I'd say was dedicated to talking about teaching and doing things school-related. This means the last 5% of the conversation was spent talking about things other than school or music. That's not a whole lot, that encompasses our food selection, how weird our waitress was, a little bit of sports talk, some minimal talk about books (he does not read for pleasure, which inevitably lead the conversation back to music...) and that's pretty much about it. It wasn't the best date I've been on, but it definitely wasn't the worst. He invited me to go to a free concert with him on Thursday at noon, but seeing as it's New Year's Eve, and I am not really interested in pursuing this further than friendship, I'm not sure if that sends the wrong message. So, I gave him my copy of my Frightened Rabbit cd, and we left it at my car without a hug or anything, but with the invitation for Thursday up in the air. I definitely should let him know that I'd like to be friends, but nothing more than that.

After 24 hours where I've spent more time on a date than off of one, I was nervous about the 3rd date. I was also exhausted and not thinking clearly at all. Somehow I told him about the blog. He was adamant that he did not want me to blog about him, so I'm not going to blog about it. I am going to email it. If you want to know the story, email me here and you'll get the auto-response about the date. It will be set up to automatically respond to any email with the entire blog, so if you want the story send an email to me (can be an empty email, it's going to auto respond to any email sent to this account!). Use a fake email address, make one up, it does not matter. I don't know why I'm doing this guy any favors actually, he was really a tool about it, and acted like I was doing him some sort of injustice by posting about our date. Like anyone would know who he was, or would care to seek it out enough to find out who he is. But I promised I wouldn't, so if you want the story, and it was a ridiculous date on all accounts, shoot me an email. There will not be a second date for this one!

In May, this blog will be 4 years old, which is amazing to think about everything that's transpired over these past 4 years. Dates, relationships, broken hearts, stalkers (and stalking!), and I'm not done yet! Thanks for reading.

** Update**
Since I've turned off the email automated response - and because I have no plans of going on a date with this guy again - I'm posting the details of the date below. This is exactly what the email response was, so it was written from my perspective when the date actually happened, not how I remember it now. (1/24/10)

So you want to know what happened on this date?

It was crazy. I'm not sure if it was because I was so tired, or
because I had been on 2 other dates within 24 hours, and this one
brought me back very close to where things transpired with the Google
guy. As I was waiting outside this guy's apartment building, I
actually thought about scraping the date, texting the Google guy, and
going over there instead! This tells me that I like the Google guy a
lot, and he's probably going to end up winning this battle. But, I
didn't text him, and I stayed to go on this date. First things, this
was the 3rd Jewish date, all before the New Year, I met my goal and
passed it! But in reality, the other 2 Jews did not live up to any
great expectations! So, we met at his place. I didn't go up or
anything, but he mentioned wanting to meet at his place because he
doesn't have a car in the city, so he couldn't get anywhere further
than his neighborhood. That's fine, but I probably would have been
more comfortable meeting up at bar or something like that. We met
outside his apartment building, and walked over to a bar anyway, so
why would couldn't just meet there, I don't know! We got to the bar,
and they were mid-Quizzo, which is fun for a date! I've had a few good
Quizzo dates, and we're both pretty smart, it would be fun to
challenge ourselves, see what answers we knew, even if we weren't
competing. The table next to us was heavily into it, and they had an
extra answer sheet, which they let us borrow. The format was the
questions were on a sheet of paper and you had to answer the questions
and turn it in to the Quiz master. This was by far the easiest quizzo
round I had ever seen, plus they gave you clues next to each question.
Basically giving away the answers. We got ALL but 2, we didn't get
all the locations for the Summer Olympics, and we missed Jimmy Carter
as the 3rd American Nobel Peace Prize Laureate from 2000 - 2009. All
in all, not bad. We helped out the table next to us with a few
questions, and I thought we'd get back to having a normal
conversation/date once the round was over. The final round was a
round robin where the Quiz master came to every table and they had to
name a team that was in at least 2 BCS bowls in this decade. I had no
interest in helping or trying to help, but the guy I was on the date
with really wanted to be involved in the whole process. He was
constantly trying to get the table's attention and give his opinion.
It would have been cute if it hadn't been our first date and I felt
like a game of Quizzo was trumping any conversation we could be
having. In the end, the table next to us won, and bought us a round
of drinks, which I don't think was why he wanted to help them, he
just wanted to be involved.

So how did the blog come out during this date, I'm sure you are
wondering... After 2 drinks, very little sleep, and my 3 date in 24
hours, my brain doesn't make the best decisions. We were talking
about lying, and I mentioned that I'm a really bad liar. I can't lie
or when I do I feel so guilty about it, I usually confess anyway,
which obviously doesn't really fare so well for me. So, he asked when
that ever came into play in dating, and I mentioned the email that I
sent to the photographer about looking at his pictures and confessing
the whole thing. Which obviously led to a conversation about googling
people before you go out with them (which I believe most people do,
this guy acted like he was horrified at the idea that I may have
googled him before we met - which I did, and I told him that.) So,
this conversation led to how the internet causes problems with
privacy and how people become a little egocentric when it comes to web
2.0 applications... like a blog. I mentioned the blog without
thinking about the fact that he would ask me what I blogged about.
When asked something flat out like that, I can't lie on the spot. I'm
horrible at it. So, I stumbled and stammered a bit, and eventually it
came out that I blog about dating. He asked if he was going to be on
the blog. To which I replied that he didn't have to be if he didn't
want to be. Why would I tell him that? Why couldn't I just lie and
say no?

He strikes me as being very very very high on himself. He's really
smart and we had some good conversations, which definitely felt like a
mental workout at times, not always in a good way. I felt like every
statement I made, he challenged. I was constantly having to defend
things I said or opinions I had, which is fine, I am a good debater,
but I didn't feel like it was a friendly debate. At times I felt like
he was almost attacking me. We finished up our drinks and walked
back to his place. He changed his tune considerably once we got
outside the bar. He's got his arm around me, and he's being funny and
kind. So when he invites me up to his place, I went. There really
was no pretense of why else I would go up there, other than to make
out. Which is exactly what happened. I was way too tired to be there,
and I felt like I probably should have left after the bar. But I
wanted to see this through, because I was so interested in this date
before hand, because at the beginning of the original 8, he was the
one that I really wanted to meet. It was pretty late by the time I
was ready to leave, and he brought up the blog again somehow. I
again, had to be on the defensive about why I blog about dates. He
actually said to me, it's strange because you seem like a really kind
and caring person, I can't believe you would do that to someone. He
may have a point, that blogging about my dates is unfair to the guys,
but I don't give up their identity, I don't post really intimate
details. If for some reason, one were to find it, and ask for
something to be removed, I would. But to be honest, I feel like
blogging is no different than writing it out in an email to all of my
friends of the latest dates I've been on, and sending it to them. He
then goes on and on about how a blog leaves a bigger digital footprint
than an email, and how privacy settings/standards are different. He
went on and on about how terrible it was that I blogged about my
dates, and it really changed how he saw me. Basically he really was
being a prick about it, made me feel like crap right before I left,
and solidified my opinion that I did not want to see him at all, ever
again. But he wanted to kiss me goodbye. I honestly don't think he
saw anything wrong with his comments and how he was being towards me.

Blame it on the A-A-A-Alcohol

2009-12-27T10:02:00.002-05:00

I blame it on the alcohol. That and the movie Up in the Air .

Last night was my 2nd date with the Google guy. And as I sit here, the next day, I'm still smiling. Good date? Yes. I might even go so far as to say it was a great date. But, of course, that is not without reservation. So my original issues with the Google guy were a physical attraction concern and there was a concern about whether we had an actual connection through conversation.

We had been in contact ever since our first date, mostly through IM, and occasional texts. As the week progressed, I was more and more interested in seeing him again for our second date. I should thank the weather gods for a blizzard in Kansas that prevented him from going home for Christmas, and allowed us to have this second date. Otherwise, I would have had to wait until possibly after the break, by then too much time may have passed, things could have changed.

Originally, we were going to go see Avatar in IMAX 3D, but we both decided that 3 hours and a lot of special effects wasn't really necessary last night. So we went to see Up in the Air instead. I took the speedline into the city since we were going out in Olde City, and I didn't feel like driving, trying to find parking, etc. It was just easier to take the train. He picked me up from the speedline since it was raining, and walking around in the slushy streets of Philadelphia in the rain is not super appealing before a date. We had a hard time finding parking near the theater so we were circling the streets in Olde City. At one point, I realized that neither of us had said a word in a long time. Before I noticed, it wasn't uncomfortable, or awkward silence at all. Just silence. But as soon as I noticed, I started wondering if he thought it was awkward, or uncomfortable, or if I should think of something to talk about. I could have just embraced the silence, but for a second date, and a first car ride, it seemed a bit premature for comfortable silence. I was glad we were going to a movie, we wouldn't have to talk for 2 hours, and then we'd have something at least to talk about afterwards at dinner! But I didn't have to worry too much about that after all. The movie was good, it was a little intense with the message of "your life is incomplete without someone to share it with" and I think that definitely planted a seed in my head which leads me to the rest of the evening...

After the movie, we drove over to center city, we tried to eat at Monks, but it was PACKED. So we went to another bar/restaurant in the area, which in my opinion, was equally as enjoyable. It wasn't super crowded, we got a table without waiting, and they by far had the best grilled cheese I've had in a long time. We talked pretty smoothly during the meal, there were some moments of awkward silences, but I think that may just be this guy. I get the feeling that he's not a talker, which could be good or bad for me. As most of you know, I talk A LOT. I'm chatty by nature, and when there's silence I try to fill it with anything. This can be bad with someone who has lots of silent moments. But I learned, the more beer he drank, the chattier he became, so we drank. Not a whole lot, but he drank more than I did, and I drank enough to feel buzzed on my way to drunk. Not wasted, but definitely not sober either. We left the bar and moved onto another bar around the corner, for more drinks. At one point we checked the train schedule to see what time my train home would be, but failed to notice the special weekend train schedule. I'm used to train schedules being all out of sorts on the weekend due to my years in Brooklyn and the trains NEVER running right on the weekend, but the difference between NYC and Philly? NYC posts the train changes EVERYWHERE. On the train, at the stations it affects, online. Everywhere. Philly? Not so much. One document online, that if we hadn't been looking closely, would have easily been missed. Due to track work, the trains were not running between midnight and 6 am last night. What time did we find this out? 1:30 am. Awesome. So I was stuck in the city, or taking a cab back to the speedline station. I opted for staying in the city.

Google guy graciously invited me back to his apartment, and was very chivalrous, offering me a place to sleep that was not in his bed, or assuming that just because I missed my train anything was going to happen. At this point, we hadn't kissed or anything, so that thought was pretty incredulous to me. I accepted his offer to sleep on his sofa, and take the train home in the morning. At this point, we were having fun, and the date was progressing very nicely. If it had ended there, it would have been a good date, very fun, but it just got better.

I have a confession to make at this point: I have an apartment crush. I'm not one who cares about material wealth or things... but when you see what money can buy, well sometimes it clouds your mind a bit. This guy's apartment is by far probably one of the nicest city apartments I have EVER been in. And I have seen some really nice apartments in many a city. The location is ideal, right near the art musuem. It's in a historic building, with a very modern design in the place. It's split level, and has enormous windows that bring in the most spectacular views. And he has his own roof deck, overlooking the parkway/museum/center city. Swooooooon. Seriously, I'm enamoured with this guy's apartment. It's beautiful.

Once we are at his place, he takes me on the tour, which is the first time I've fallen in love with a building. We weren't tired despite it being 2 AM, so we watched Sixteen Candles and cuddled on the couch. This was the first romantic contact we had all night. It felt a little strange to cuddle with someone I hadn't even kissed yet, but it was very middle school PG at this point. After the movie, he kissed me. At first I thought I had another bad kisser situation on my hands! What is it with 30 something year old guys not knowing how to kiss properly?? But he was much more adaptable and picked up on my non-verbal cues much better than the Bad Kisser did. It turned out to be a false alarm. Needless to say, I did not sleep on his couch last night. There wasn't actually a whole lot of sleeping going on, but eventually we did fall asleep. I woke him early-ish this morning so I could get back to the train station. I was just going to walk to the speedline, but he insisted on driving me to the station. Getting in the car, I thought he meant to the 16th & Locust station, but he meant driving me to the speedline in NJ where my car was.

He really is a gentleman in every sense of the word. He didn't even want to take my offer of a quarter when we were parking on the street and the meter kiosk wasn't taking his dollar. I can tell that if I continue to date Google guy (which at this point - I can't imagine not continuing), he will be the guy who treats me better than I've ever been treated before in my life. I could probably get used to that.

Today is a busy busy day for dates. Being that I "walk of shamed" it home today in Google guy's car, my date technically didn't end until 9 am. My next date is at 1:30 today with a music teacher from PA for lunch. We have had a few good long phone conversations, and until last night, I was comfortable placing him as the front runner. At 9 pm tonight, I'm having drinks with the jdate guy who disappeared. Remember the original 8? There were 3 Jews, 2 of them have disappointed in their hopes of being anything long term (although there still is a 2nd date with the Phillies writer for Weds, but at this point I'm wondering why bother?). This is the one I was most excited about, tonight's 9 pm drinks date. He disappeared for a while, then resurfaced this past week. We've talked online and on the phone, and we're going out for drinks tonight. It seems like when it rains, it pours. A triple header could be dangerous, I'm praying it doesn't bring something worse than my double headers used to!

'Twas the Night Before Christmas.

2009-12-24T22:43:00.004-05:00

In most Christmas Eves past, I've spent the night as most Jews do... Chinese food, maybe a movie, but not this year. This year I decided to go on a date.

If you've been reading this for a while, you might remember the date I went on years ago, that I couldn't even blog about it was so bad... I had my roommate blog about it for me. So tonight's date is up there with that one. I should trust my instincts with people I date. I'm usually dead-on, even before I meet them. Tonight I went out with the guy that I talked with on the phone and his voice didn't match up to what his pictures looked like... well, in person, his pictures didn't really match what he looked like either. Now, to be fair, I think I only saw one or two pictures of him, and they were just of his head. Let me also say that while I think physical attraction is important, I'm not one who puts a lot of stock in looks. I think that looks can be easily trumped by a great personality, unfortunately that will not be the case with this guy. I knew from talking on the phone our connection wasn't going to be that strong. When he suggested going bowling for our date tonight, I thought it was a great idea. It would require less talking, and it's something different to do on Christmas Eve. There was awkwardness abounding at the bowling alley, and even the activity couldn't save this one.

I could blog about the lack of conversation, or how the conversation we had was really forced and hard to hold up, how uncomfortable I was the entire time, and I should really stop going out with guys when I don't feel a connection before hand. But it's Christmas, and who wants to read about that? There was nothing especially awful about the date, and he was perfectly nice. I just have a hard time relating when I can't have a good conversation. 3 long bowling games, some pizza and soda later, I was on my way back home. The date clocked in at just under 3 hours, and there will not be a 2nd date.

So instead of visions of sugar plums and fairies dancing through my head tonight, I'm watching (500) Days of Summer, again. Love it, and for now, this is enough.

Updates: 2nd date with the Google guy will be this weekend, 1st date with a guy I'm looking forward to meeting on Sunday, 2nd date with Phillies writer on Weds. Busy week of dates.

Days We Remember

2009-12-19T14:23:00.002-05:00

At lunch yesterday, I had mentioned that the day before had been my ex's 30th birthday, and when I remembered, I wished him a happy birthday in my head, and moved on. I didn't remember until the drive home, and was surprised I didn't think about it sooner. There are some dates that always will be stuck in my head, no matter how long ago they happened. Anniversaries are like that, birthdays, break-up days too. Days that I don't need to remember anymore, but I do, because they've carried so much weight in the past. I'm looking for ways to shed the connections to these dates, and I wonder how long it takes before you forget. I still remember my ex from high school's birthday, but not our "anniversary," I remember my anniversary with the Israeli, but not his birthday (although, I know they are close...), of course I remember all of the important dates with Mr. Perfect, it hasn't been that long... and none have passed without acknowledgment yet. We celebrated each others birthday together this year, and what would have been our 2 year anniversary hasn't passed yet. I must be mentioning Mr. P a lot in conversation these days, and my friend at work asked me if I missed him. I'm sure it's just the holidays, and that I miss the idea of him, and what we had together - when it was good. I was thinking about the stocking his grandma made me for Christmas last year, and how she held onto it, so that she could reuse it again this year.... Maybe someone else will be using it. I wonder if he used the blue and silver decorations we bought last year for the tree, so we could have a Christmas tree decorated in Hanukkah colors. It's a tough season, no matter how you cut it.

I'm at my parents' house today. All snowed in, with my entire family, including my brother-in-law, and brother's girlfriend. Once again, I'm the only single one. The first holiday season since we broke up, the first snow day, it's hard not to think, was it really so bad? Did I let something great get away?

On days like these, and today is especially tough, I try to remember why we are not together. I remember when he would come over my house and just be miserable, no matter how hard I tried. I remember falling asleep next to him, but wishing I were alone. I try to remember how much I wanted to break up with him before I actually had the courage to give him the ultimatum. I remember when he told me in May that he wanted to get back together, and make this work... and I cried because I didn't want that. I need to remember all of this. I need to remember that the holidays will pass, the snow will melt, and I am going to have exactly what I want someday, with someone who I want to be with.

I just hate waiting.

Cold Hearted

2009-12-17T23:45:00.006-05:00

Today was going to be a great day. But then again, the best laid plans... Everything started off going as well as planned, a fairly simple day at work, good workout right after, came home, showered... noticed that it was unusually cold in my house. At first I just thought it was upstairs, which tends to be a little colder when the heat has been off all day. But when I got downstairs, I noticed that the thermostat read a chilly 58 degrees in my house. So, I had two options... I could cancel tonight's date, and get my heater fixed (note: I think MOST people would choose this option) or I could leave my freezing house, hope that when I return it will have magically fixed itself, and go on my date as planned. I chose option B.

I was excited about this date. In fact, I had actually rescheduled a date that had been planned for tonight prior to setting this one up (broken heater = karma for broken date??) I thought we had a pretty good connection through email, we had talked on the phone a few times, and I was really looking forward to this date. I was not going to let a cold house get in the way of what could've been a great first date.

We met up at the Mexican Food Factory, which is a good date place. I went there on my marathon length 5th date with the bad kisser, which may be the last time I had been there prior to tonight. I like it for a few reasons - mainly good food, great beer selection, and a very laid back atmosphere.

We had a nice dinner, I don't remember much about the conversation. It wasn't particularly engaging or overly stimulating. It was average. I didn't feel like I had to work very hard for it, but at the same time, I don't know that I laughed a whole lot... or felt challenged in the conversation either. He has a very cool job. He develops software for Google, which impresses me. Some people are impressed by money, fancy things.... I'm impressed by software developers at Google. I am a geek. We talked about our jobs for a while, we talked about food - which he seems to be adventurous with, another plus. Before getting into software development, he mentioned that he wanted to be a photojournalist. I tried to contain my excitement, I KNEW I would like this one! Geeky photographer - on paper, that's exactly what I want! We talked for a while, and once dinner was over, we headed over to Barnes & Noble. We wandered slightly aimlessly around the bookstore for an hour or so, talking about books and such... another plus. I couldn't get a vibe though from him. I don't know if it was the setting or nerves, but it wasn't a really good place to actually get to know someone better, which isn't what I find to usually be the case. I think talking to people about their reading choices, or finding fun books to share can be an excellent way to get to know someone. But I felt like I was just scraping the surface here, not getting anything really deep.

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, kissed me goodnight (just a quick kiss - nothing remarkable!) and we left it as, we should do this again sometime. I'm pretty sure I'll hear from him, which is good. I'd probably go out with him again. I was a little let down since I had such high hopes for him, but it wasn't a bad date. And he has a lot of good things that I'm looking for, so why write him off so soon?

My dating line-up is still pretty full. I'm possibly seeing the guy who I canceled on tonight, on Sunday. I don't know about him. We talked on the phone two times, and his voice just doesn't match up with what he looks like... I know that's a really strange thing to say, but it's a weird thing to witness. Also, we don't gel well on the phone. He says things that I almost have to restrain myself from saying something mean. He will be known, if need be, as Captain Obvious. There are two other guys I'm talking to of the original 8, and the Phillies writer texted me today to set up a second date. This makes 5 out of the 8 originals that will probably turn into dates. I did end up cutting the one for distance. Lancaster is too far. The good Jew I was looking forward to I never heard from again, and the other match guy disappeared again too. This is the 2nd time he's disappeared, I'm not interested in him that much to care.

In much better news, I did get my heat fixed. It was not miraculously working when I came home, so I called my heating company, and they came out at 11:30 to fix it! So it's warm in my house, even it's still kind of chilly in my heart.

On the first night of Hanukkah...

2009-12-12T14:43:00.003-05:00

I went on my first Jewish date of the year. Whew, now that quota is filled, I can move on. Ha. It wasn't THAT bad. It actually was just kind of... blah. I hadn't really been looking forward to it, and I actually broke some of my first date rules. First of all, I was going into it with a really negative attitude. Since I had seen that his pictures on Match were two years old, I was definitely a little nervous about what he might look like now. In person, he didn't look like his pictures, but he didn't NOT look like his pictures. He looked like an older version of what he had posted, with less hair, and maybe a little out of shape. I wasn't completely disappointed, but not overly impressed either.

We met up at the Iron Hill Brewery, I like it there, and it's a pretty good date spot. It might become a regular in my dating rotation. It was PACKED when we got there, and we were told there would be an hour wait at least for a table. This was fine with me, because since I was breaking rules, I wasn't thrilled about having a dinner date as a first date, and it gave us an opportunity to have drinks for an hour or so, and if I needed to cut it short (because of an "emergency" - which I've never done), it would still be possible. We talked for the entire time, had some beers, which definitely lightens the mood and eases the conversation. We talked about being Jewish... and how neither of us had really known it was the first night of Hanukkah until that day. So, he's not religious, which is good, but he's not very interesting either... which is bad. When our table was ready, I wasn't feeling the urge to run for the door, so we had dinner.

He has a really cool job. He writes for the Phillies for a local newspaper, so he gets to go to all their games, travel on the road with them, he's even written a book about them. All of this is very cool to me, and we did spend a lot of time throughout the date talking about that, talking about celebrities, who he's seen or met, where he's gotten to travel for work. You might be thinking, this sounds like a lot about him... yes, he did talk a lot about himself. And I did my fair share of talking about myself. But the funny thing is, I didn't feel like we had many conversations. It was like he talked, then I talked, and then he talked about something similar, or sometimes something completely unrelated. There wasn't a very natural give and take of the conversation. And he repeated some things more than once or twice. I felt like he had a limited span of what he talked about, and he didn't ask me much about myself... I don't know if I asked much about him. It's been a while since I've had to think that much about the conversation while on a date. I felt like I had to prepare a topic in my head, just in case I ran out of things to say, and didn't want that uncomfortable lull in the conversation.

We stayed and talked for a good while. The date itself was about four and a half hours long, and by the end, I felt it. It wasn't that it wasn't going well, but on a Friday night, after a ridiculously long week, I was exhausted and it started to show. I started yawning at the table, which I guess is a clear sign that the date is over. We walked over to our cars, had a quick hug goodbye, and he mentioned that he'd be in touch and we should do this again. I don't know if it will happen, I couldn't tell how interested he seemed. I am not sure how interested I am. What I'm hoping is that it was just first-date nervousness, and that if he does want to go out on a second date, we'll go, and we'll have a much easier time with the conversation. If he asks, I'll go out with him again.

I'm not lacking for dating options though, most of the original 8 are still hanging in there - one of the Jewish ones kind of disappeared - which bums me out, he was the one I was most looking forward to. Maybe he'll resurface. But there's another one, not Jewish - who's taking his place in the count. One I might have to cut for distance, but he seems pretty cool, so I haven't done anything about that yet.

Guy who lives with his ex is hanging in there too, we had dinner on Thursday, and we were supposed to go to a movie... but we never made it because we spent too much time talking at dinner...go figure. He kissed me goodbye at the end of the night, but that's all.... and he mentioned that his mom is coming to visit for 2 weeks around Christmas, so he won't be able to see me during that time. Really? Do I really want to date a guy who I will only see at most once or twice a month?? Probably not. He's on the edge. We might be taking a trip to Ikea on Tuesday together, I don't think that counts as a date though.

8 nights of Hanukkah. 8 potential dates (too bad they can't all align with the nights of Hanukkah!) There will be more to come!

Me + A Date (x 8)

2009-12-08T22:01:00.003-05:00

I know it's been quite a while since there have been any really exciting dates to post. But there has been absolutely nothing going on in the dating frontiers... until recently. I have not one, not two, but 8 potential dates coming up in the next month or so. Yes. I said EIGHT. I'm having a hard time keeping track of these guys, and to make matters worse they all these super generic names, so I have to come up with nicknames for them early.

First up, should be this weekend. Phillies writer, Jewish (oh wait, out of the eight potentials... THREE are Jewish), we've been communicating for a while, and our schedules have not been easy to match. It seems like this weekend is the weekend though that it will actually happen. My only reservation are his pictures, on the post prior to this one, I mentioned the guy who used his picture from 2 years ago as his main picture... that's this guy. But I'm giving him a go, especially since he will actually fill my Jewish quota of the year (he'll be the first Jewish guy I've gone out with since CK.) That was my goal. Go out with at least ONE Jewish guy before New Year's. And if this works out on Friday, I'm set. Goal met. If not, I'm going out for Mexican food with friends, and have two more Jews in the wings... so I'm PLANNING on making this happen, however it works out.

In other news, I'm having dinner with the guy who lives with his ex on Thursday. I'm not really sure why at this point. I haven't seen in almost 3 weeks, we haven't actually made out in almost a month... really... So our communication is minimal, barely texting once a day, maybe an IM here or there. I'm going to dinner because we have these movie tickets from a month ago, that we should use, and I'm alright with hanging out with him. I'd like to see if we can re-establish the friendship. If not, then there will be nothing left to do at this point. Life is too busy for both of us, so maybe a friendship isn't in the cards either.

So a busy next few days, dating wise. I'm hopeful for all my eight, generically named dates that are in the works, even if only half of them turn into actual dates. 4 is better than none! And just like that, it's dating season again

Thanks, Facebook.

2009-12-02T17:32:00.002-05:00

A little late, but facebook seems to have wised to the ability to stalk someone within your own network, if they have flexible settings, which I'm surprised at how many people actually do (have flexible settings - not stalking, that's no surprise to me!). I tried seeing what my profile looks like to someone who is in my network but not my friend, but there's no way to check that. That's stupid. I can see what my page looks like for any one of my given friends, I should be able to see what my page looks like within the network.

Anyway, this was the problem with that guy I webstalked over the summer. If I hadn't had access to his facebook page, I would have NEVER sent that crazy email. Because I wouldn't have known nearly as much about him as I was able to uncover. Seriously. I've always said no one should have an open facebook page. It makes you think you know someone way better than you actually do. Actually, most online identities are false advertisements for what a person truly is like. I'm sure I'm nothing like what people who read this, and don't know me, think I'm like. I'd be interested to know what people think though, based on this blog alone.

While I think it's a good thing theoretically, I have mixed feelings about Facebook's new privacy settings because this will put a damper on my dating preconceived notions. (Not always a bad thing!) For example, I have this date coming up with this guy (not sure when... it's been in the works since mid November! Damn you, work schedule!) and I could check out his facebook page. Once I did, I was immediately less attracted to him than his match profile alone. I actually held pretty high hopes for this one, and then I was diasppointed by his facebook pictures. This isn't fair, and yes, I know everyone puts their best pictures on Match, but I felt like his pictures on match weren't really a fair representation on what this guy will look like on a day to day basis. Because I could see which pictures on his facebook page were on his Match profile, I could also check the dates they were posted on Facebook. The one he's using as his main picture was from 2007. That's at least 2 years old, and probably not what he looks like AT ALL. His most recent pictures were fairly disappointing, sad to say. But that should not be a reason to false advertise on match, it's not like the other person won't find out eventually anyway! I think I'm pretty good about my pictures, and I keep them very up to date, changing them at least within every season so there are none that are out of date. I recently just took down any that were taken more than 6 months ago, because that's not a fair likeness of me. Except for my one picture from Peru, because it's a good conversation piece, and it's not close enough of me that you can actually make out discernable features that show it was taken 3 years ago! Although, when I dated the bad kisser, we were never friends on facebook, which allowed me to post about the blog all the time. Now that I'm friends with the guy who lives with his ex, his roommates and who knows who else have been able to find this, so maybe privacy isn't such a bad thing after all!

So, I applaud facebook for protecting our privacy. I will actually have to request to see people's pages if I want to stalk them... that defeats the purpose! But it will protect me from doing horrifically stupid things, like webstalking to the extent where I feel the need to confess. I can't believe that was almost 6 months ago. When I think about it, I'm still rather horrified at my own behavior. I was watching the pilot of "How I Met Your Mother" (which I love, by the way), and there was this scene when one of the guys was leaving a date gone awry, and he says, "So when you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word “psycho”? I prefer…eccentric." That's something I know I've thought on at least a few occasions, and probably how many people think of me. But now, with the help of Facebook, I have less opportunities to be crazy.

For me.

2009-11-30T21:26:00.004-05:00

If you're only interested in reading this blog for humorous stories of dates I've been on (which is ok!), then you might want to skip today's. I didn't write it for you, I wrote it for me.

Yesterday, I raked leaves for hours. And managed to bag 11 enormous lawn and leaf bags, which made my backyard not look like a jungle. This is all very good (despite not how I wanted to spend my first Sunday off in a month). Yet, I do not have a single tree on my property and it was all I could think about as I worked outside. I'm bagging leaves that don't belong to me, it's not MY fault these leaves are in my yard. However, if I don't bag them and get them out of my yard, no one else will do it. This has nothing to do with dating... except it does. It has to do with me doing things for me, and not because it matters if anyone else cares that I do it or not. At the end of the day, I was glad I raked, and glad my backyard doesn't look like a small overgrown jungle anymore, and glad that Dante can get to all his favorite spots without falling knee deep in leaves. So, all of this is good, but if I hadn't done it, no one would know, nor would anyone care.

Somewhere along the way, I seemed to have gotten lost in my life. I can't place where it started or when it happened, but I can't look back on my life and find something that I did for myself that wasn't based solely on what other people thought or would think about my decision. Or at least what I THOUGHT other people would think. To be honest, I don't think most people care. They want me to be happy, and they care about me, but they don't care about the things I do to actually get there. Somehow all this hit me yesterday while raking leaves that are not mine. As I'm raking, I was thinking about all the things I deal with in my life that are not mine, especially in relationships. Baggage that's not mine. Exes that are not mine. Families that are not mine (and not very nice to me). A lot of others' self-doubt and self-worth concerns that are NOT MINE. I realize this makes me sound very selfish, and I'm not. I enjoy sharing my life with others, and helping people with things that are not mine. My job choices show that, my loyalty to my friends and family show that, my ability to make things work in situations most wouldn't even consider shows that... And if it's equal in a relationship or balanced, that's ok. But in my relationship choices, I haven't had that balance and I'm willing to do more that's not mine because I'm concerned about how it will look if I don't. I've been through this before. I'm the girl who moved myself into my apartment in Brooklyn, up 4 flights of stairs, by myself, because I didn't want to ask anyone to help me. Not because I was proud, but because I didn't think anyone would. I've gotten better in most of my life but not in relationships. I've dated guys who I didn't think were good enough for me. Because it was easier than being rejected by someone who I would want to date for me. I care too much about what it looks like rather than what it is.

If I have to be honest with myself, I have never been in love. Nope. Not once. I'm lucky enough to know what being in love looks like, as I have amazing examples of it in my life. I've loved guys that I've been in relationships with, but I know that I was never in love with any of them, at least nothing that felt certain enough, for long enough. This hit me at some point during the summer, when I went to go see (500) Days of Summer in the theater. At the end, Summer says to Tom that she just woke up and was sure (about the new guy) what she was never sure of with him. That hit home, hard. I've never been sure about anything in my relationships. There was a time with Mr. Perfect that I thought I was, but once I realized it wasn't what I was looking for, I stayed in the relationship long past then. I want to sure, I want to know, and "they" say that you know it when you find it... here's to hoping that I'll know.

I want to date someone who is right FOR ME. And until then, I'm not dealing with any more crap that is not mine to deal with.

Thankful

2009-11-27T22:46:00.002-05:00

Normally, I wouldn't be posting about being thankful at the end of a relationship (or whatever it is that I've had over the past month). 3 years ago, I wrote this post about being thankful for what I have, and to try to take life more as it comes, and not be so caught up where I think I should be. Flash forward 3 years, and I'm still in the exact same place. It's amazing, but I could have written that blog last night when I got home from Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's in-laws up in Connecticut. It was a great day, surrounded by a lot of love and laughter. When I'm around my family, I don't feel that urgency to find someone, to be a part of a relationship so quickly again. My family are probably the least judgmental people I know, and have tolerated A LOT of losers that I've brought around. I remember when my sister told me that my dad compared the poker player I dated for a while to a white wall... that's how interesting he was. But to my face, my parents would have never said anything about him. They want me to be happy, and if a white wall was making me happy, well then who are they to tell me otherwise. I know all of this, and yet, I am not willing to bring anyone around to meet them. It's seems as though anytime there is someone I think is worth introducing to them, they always disappoint... latest case in point:

I'm pretty sure things are just about done with the guy who lives with his ex. I don't know if he's reading the blog or not, or he's just stopped being interested; but the past few days, he's dropped off the radar, which is very unusual behavior for him. It's rare that I go a few hours without texting him normally, and the past few days, I've sent him texts, only for no response or very limited response from him. Yesterday, I sent him a text in the morning to wish him a happy Thanksgiving, and did not hear back from him all day. So at night, I sent him another text saying that I hoped he had a good day, and good luck in the morning since it's black friday, and he works in retail (=worst day of the year). He texted me back, but just to tell me how great his holiday was, and that's all. He didn't ask how mine was, didn't wish me a happy thanksgiving, nothing. I sent him another text saying that I was glad he had a nice holiday, and how he must be feeling better (he hadn't been feeling well the day before). He responded how he still wasn't feeling well, but not badly enough to prevent him from enjoying the holiday. Again, nothing to indicate that he cared how my holiday was, or any interest in my day at all. So, I decided to not text him today, to see if he'd text me. Nope. I haven't heard from him at all in 24 hours, so to me, that signifies an end to whatever this has become. I'm kind of angry that he thinks it's ok to just stop talking to me, I honestly really enjoyed all of our conversations and time spent together, and if it wasn't going anywhere, then at least we could've been friends. At this point I have no idea what to think of it, and I'm pretty disappointed that he's chosen an absence of communication.

So that's it, that's how it ends with guy who lives with his ex, I guess. I'd be surprised if I never heard from him again, but I'm not sure how I'd even respond at this point. Things I'm thankful for out of this whole thing (because my new dating attitude = positive, not bitter):
1. I'm thankful that I met someone with whom I had a great connection. Yes, the timing sucked, yes, his situation was not ideal, and maybe the relationship was not meant to be, but we had a palpable connection, and that was truly exciting.
2. I'm thankful that I didn't rush things with him. Things never really progressed beyond very basic kissing on the couch. I'm glad it didn't go too far.
3. I'm thankful that I have so much to look forward to in the future. Whoever it is that I'm going to end up with is still out there, and I'm looking forward to that first date!

My mom offered to get me a subscription to Jdate for Hanukkah. I guess it's back out in the world of dating again... I never seem to be gone for too long. I'm really going to try the Jewish thing for a while, who knows it might work out in my favor... never has before, but it's always worth a shot.

The Kill Switch

2009-11-22T18:31:00.002-05:00

This has been a pretty slow few weeks of dating. It does not help that I've been working like fiend. By the time Thanksgiving comes around, it will be my first day off in 14 days. The constant workload is starting to take it's toll on me a bit, but I like be busy all the time. It's better than having too much free time. When I have too much down time, I do crazy things.

Anyway, this was not the case this week. I know the guy who lives with his ex wanted to see me more this week, but I just didn't really have the time. On Wednesday we went to the movies, which was nice. But it was all that we did. He picked me up, we went to the movies, he dropped back off at my house. No long hours of talking or me not getting enough sleep that I could blame on this week's dates. Nothing really of note from Wednesday night.

Last night, I went to see some of my old students in the high school play in my school district with a friend. The guy asked me earlier in the week to go to this fund raiser with him at a bar near his house, but I didn't think I'd be able to make it because of the play. After the show was over, we were looking for something to do, so we went to the bar where the guy and his friends were. I knew this was a dangerous move for a few reasons. First of all, he had texted me that he was really drunk, so that's already a problem. Secondly, he was there with his roommate/ex-brother-in-law, and a friend that he works with. I think it might be jumping the gun a bit to meet each other's friends (and ex in-laws). But we went, and everyone was introduced. True to his fashion, he asked me if he could kiss me in front of my friend, if I would be ok with that. He needs to just do things, and stop asking or announcing it before hand. If he's so concerned I'm not going to like it, then he shouldn't do it at all. If he had kissed me, I would have went with it, but he didn't, he asked, and I didn't really know what to say to that. So nothing. It was all going well, until I realized how drunk the guy actually was. First, he spilled his beer all over the bar, which isn't a big deal, but I'd probably have flagged him at that point. I'm not his mother, nor his girlfriend, so I have no say in telling him when he needs to stop drinking. So he continued. And I noticed throughout the night, his conversation was getting a bit confrontational. He kept mentioning, that I had all these control issues, and I constantly have my finger on the kill switch, so I can walk away at any time, unscathed. He's not completely incorrect. I don't have a whole lot invested here, and I'm not really thinking long term. But the way he was coming at me about it was something very foreign to me. Usually, we joke around a bit, but this seemed almost malicious.

As the night went on, some people at the bar were dancing, and he mentioned that the girls were dancing together in a lesbian fashion - I made some comment about he how would know, since he's the expert on all things lesbian. And somehow in the conversation I used the word "lesbianic," which I know fully well is not a real word, but he goes on to challenge me on it. And so he tells me to look it up on my phone, so I find a definition for it on Urban Dictionary. This started a crazy argument. He claims that Urban Dictionary is not a credible source, which I agree with, but I was being contrary, and made him prove why. He claims it's not a credible source because it's like Wikipedia, which he claims is not a credible source. Well, that got me started on my librarian tirade about how Wikipedia is as credible as the Encyclopedia Britannica, and if you would accept that as a credible source, than Wikipedia is a credible source as well. This is my area of expertise, I have my Master's in this nonsense. Seriously. And he's arguing with me that Wikipedia is not a credible source, I tried stopping the conversation, multiple times, because he was drunk, and he was yelling, and I was really really uncomfortable. Had we both been sober, and having this conversation in my living room, at a normal tone, I don't think it would have escalated into what happened next. So, after I tried stopping the conversation 3 times, I finally turned to him and said, I really need you to stop because I asked you 3 times and you won't shut up! (or something really obnoxious like that) I knew it was mean, I knew I shouldn't have said it as soon as the words were out of my mouth, but it was too late. And he got very offended, as he should, and went to leave. I could have let him walk away, angry, and who knows what would have been the end result. But, I didn't. I explained to him, that I tried to stop the conversation 3 times, and he wouldn't listen. And he agreed, and we talked it out, and I guess everything turned out ok.

I was really unsettled with how things were left in general. There was no physical contact throughout the entire night besides him occasionally putting his arm around me, or on my back. Which I'm ok with, I don't think HE is ok with, and I think he somehow managed to express his frustrations with me through the argument over Wikipedia. Which probably wasn't about Wikipedia after all. So I have my finger on the Kill Switch, it's probably just a matter of time.

Someone Who Gets Me

2009-11-13T23:33:00.003-05:00

I'm staffing a convention this weekend for the youth group, which is very long and time consuming, and a lot of over stimulation on the Judaism front. Of course, the theme of this year's convention is the Jewish life cycle. And the course I'm staffing (with the help of a much senior advisor, of course), Jewish weddings. Oh lord. If my conscience wasn't already screaming to me that I should be dating someone Jewish, well this didn't help either. And to be honest, I don't want to date/marry someone who is Jewish because I want to be really religious all the sudden. But, the rabbi tonight put it very well, it's easier to be with someone who gets you. And if you're raised in similar situations, with like-minded families, and have like minded goals, the better chance that the person you're with will get you. I get it, totally. And it's something I want. I just haven't made the commitment to finding it yet. Well, to be fair, the guy I had a huge crush on over the summer was Jewish, not practicing, but from a Jewish family - just the way I like 'em. But I hadn't made a commitment to finding that in him, it just happened to be a pleasant surprise. Not that it matters, it didn't work out in my favor, but that was the last and only Jewish guy I can remember even being mildly interested in for quite some time.

The guys I've dated before that were Jewish don't have the greatest track record (well, let's be honest - none of the guys I've dated have a great track record - otherwise - I wouldn't still be looking!), but let's focus on the Jews in particular. Because according to the rabbi tonight, these will be the guys who "get" me. My longest term relationship was with a Jewish guy, he's now SUPER UBER Jewish, and that's horrifying to me. When we dated, he was interested in Judaism culturally, and we celebrated the holidays, but trust me - he ate bacon and he liked it. But now he's Kosher, and probably keeps Shabbat, and seriously, I don't like the idea of subscribing to a religion because it fits your life. It should be because you believe in it. The first guy in Brooklyn I dated for a substantial period of time (the poker player) was Jewish. Definitely not practicing, and we never dated over any of the holidays, so it never even played a part in our relationship. Regardless of our shared background of religious upbringing, we had NOTHING else in common. That kid did NOT get me. And to be honest, I didn't really get him either. So that brings me to the last Jewish guy I dated for any significant period of time, and that's CK. Now, I KNOW our mothers and my grandmother set this up because they both looked at us and thought -- Hmm, they are relatively the same age, and JEWISH. A match made in heaven for them. The fact that he had a bisexual girlfriend living in Canada? Irrelevant. He was Jewish. He must be PERFECT for me. And you know what, in a lot of ways CK and I really worked. If it hadn't been for his girlfriend in Canada and him lying to me about it... well maybe things would've been different, but that's neither here nor there. I do remember one of my favorite dates with him was when we went out for Chinese food on Christmas. Last year's Christmas was obviously spent with Mr. Perfect, and I had my very first Christmas tree, and had Christmas morning with presents, and big family breakfast, but it wasn't MY holiday. I felt like an outsider, and that's not what I want.

I think someone who's not Jewish could get me. definitely. When I was in Hawaii, I wrote out a list of my "Perfect Guy" attributes (and I can't believe I'm going to post that on here, but it's what I think I want at the moment. It changes all the time!)
#1 - SMART (and yes I wrote that in all caps, and underlined it a couple of times)
#2 - Passionate - about something, preferably me....
#3 - Creative - goes along with passionate, but I want someone on the creative side of the spectrum - musically, artistically, emotionally, how ever it works...
#4 - Friendly/Social - Someone who can hold their own in a group, Someone who doesn't have trouble meeting new people (can anyone guess where this one stems from??)
#5 - Positive - can look at a bad situation and make something better out of it. (again - three guesses on who DIDN'T do this...)
#6 -Laughter - Someone who can make me laugh, and partakes in laughter, a lot.
**Bonus points for - Jewish (or just spiritual), successful (not rich, but happy in his chosen life path), grounded, goal oriented, spontaneous, a reader, and someone who can keep me guessing, and smiling, most of the time.

Above all, someone who wants me to be happy.

That right there, is the guy who gets me. Doesn't seem like it would be too hard find.

Outed

2009-11-12T23:12:00.004-05:00

So my blog has been read by someone who lives with the guy who lives with his ex (but not his ex). I actually had figured this out yesterday through a conversation that I had with him, and I'm debating whether that means I go back and change what I've written in the past. Right now, I'm opting for not changing it. I'm totally allowed to feel however I want to feel and write about it, if he or anyone he lives with choose to read it, I can't help that. Nor should I feel like I have to apologize for it. This my slight rant because yesterday we were talking over IM, and he brought up the "announcing" thing, which I didn't think I made a huge deal about when we were together, but apparently I did and I hurt his feelings. I felt badly about hurting his feelings, but the depth of what he said and how he made me feel awkward felt like it was coming straight from the blog. Since I don't remember talking that much about it, I assumed he had read the blog and that was where his hurt feelings came from. Apparently I had made a big deal about it, and it hurt his feelings anyway, but regardless, he didn't read the blog, his roommate did.

I think besides the previous entry they were all pretty fair. The last one I was extremely tired and grouchy. Which may lead me to over think things, and over analyze. But it's exactly how I was feeling at the time. Just like the ones before that when I was giddy and happy about it was exactly how I felt at that time... I've been guarded from the beginning, and that's only fair considering his unconventional living situation, but I think I'm giving this guy a fair shake. If I wanted to end this, I've had plenty of outs, but there's something there definitely, and it makes me want to continue. I'm taking this SUPER slow and that's ok with me. I'm in no rush, it's not like I've got to have it all figured out anyway. I'm really not sure about anything in my life at this point, my life is consumed with work, which I hate - but I love all my jobs, and I feel like I'm falling behind in work the more time I spend dating. But if I ever want to reach a point where I'm not dating, then I have to continue it. Catch 22. Damn.

Grouchy.

2009-11-09T22:55:00.002-05:00

I feel like I may be getting myself into trouble with this new guy. I can't tell if it's because of the general lack of sleep that has existed in my life since last Thursday, or because I'm fooling myself. I don't know. I do know that I've been extremely grouchy today, and really tired on top of it all. I want to go back to the first date, where it was just the facts, and not so complex.

Last night, he came over to my house under the pretense of watching a movie and ordering some pizza. We did order pizza, but the movie was never watched. Not for any reasons any of you might infer, either. We ended up just talking on the couch for about 5 hours. Just talking I'd say for 95% of the time, 5% kissing. I'm not looking to rush this any farther, and I can really just get caught up in the conversation that I don't want to be distracted by other things. I go back and forth on the physical aspect of this relationship. I like it, but sometimes I question if I enjoy it or not. I think I might really prefer to develop the friendship and see if the physical part comes a little more naturally later. He's still super awkward when it comes to all of that. I actually had to tell him last night that he doesn't need to tell me that he's going to kiss me before he does. Seriously, it's like a play by play announcer in the room.

Announcing aside, there are little things that bother me about this budding relationship. Nothing substantial or anything of note, but I'm wondering if it's my guard going up, or something else entirely. I don't expect to know how I feel about him after less than a month, and I wouldn't feel so badly about it except he seems to be pretty confident in how he feels about me, and doesn't stop telling me. He's still over complimentary. Last night's best one was, "I like your ears." Um, dude, it's GOT to stop. It's getting to the point where it actually makes me a bit uncomfortable.

November has never been a good dating month for me. For some reason this year I'm reminded of my relationship with T and how he dropped off the face of the earth, mid November. Part of me wants to do that. Just drop off the planet for a little while. I feel like I know what I want, ultimately, and a guy who is still living with his ex-wife (lesbian or not), has been divorced just barely over a year, doesn't seem to know what he wants in his life... I hate to say all this, because I DO like him. A lot in fact, it's just that at the end of the day, I'm not dating just to date anymore. I'm dating because I am looking to be with one person. And even though Mr. Perfect and I haven't been broken up for that long, I feel like I've been doing this forever.

So what does all this mean for the guy who lives with his ex. Do we have a connection - undoubtedly so. He makes me laugh, we can talk for hours at a time, and he has no trouble showing me how interested he is in me... so what's my problem?? Maybe it's the physical? I enjoy it when it feels natural and not awkward as hell. I'm still working through this one, but for now I need a good night's rest and some time to process all that I want.

No Sleep.

2009-11-07T12:36:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was the new guy's birthday. We had spent a substantial amount of time together the night before, but we decided we'd hang out again after I was done working last night anyway. Regardless of how long I've known a person or how well, I think birthdays are important days, hence why I spent time with Mr. P on his birthday, and I certainly didn't mind 2 nights in a row with this guy. I wanted to do something special but nothing over the top for him. So I bought a bottle of wine, checked out a selection of movies from the library/blockbuster, and cleaned the downstairs of my house (this in itself is a BIG deal!).

He came over around 10, and we had been up so late the night before that it felt really late to me. We had some wine, picked one of the 6 movies I had brought home, and settled in. We cuddled on the couch, and it was really nice. If it was my birthday, I would've been pretty happy with the events. As the night progressed, I was fighting to not fall asleep during the movie, so we stopped watching it and talked, kissed, and other activities... passing time is something which we clearly have no trouble doing. And 10 o'clock turned to 4am... again. I had to work fairly early today. So I was up at 8, after not a lot of sleep the night before, and only 4 hours of sleep last night, I'm feeling kinda clouded today. These late nights are starting to catch up with me, but when I'm in the moment, I don't think much about how it will affect me later!

Some of the conversations we had last night weren't really important. Some were very important. I am more comfortable talking to him about his ex wife, and the whole situation than I was before. One of our conversations revolved around that. I feel like I have a better understanding on why they are still living together, and despite it all, I am really ok with it. I'm not ready to meet her or anything like that, but I can handle the fact that she is a daily part of his life. It's not an ideal situation, but it's not an impossible one either. I'm more concerned about how my family/friends will respond to this, which I know in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter. What matters is if I'm happy, and not what they think. I care deeply about the opinions of my friends and family, and would love their approval, but I feel like this might be one situation that is hard for them to wrap their heads around. I'm still taking it one day at a time, and not getting in over my head. I need a few days apart, maybe one good night's sleep, and then I think I'll be able to think clearly about this.

Turning Point

2009-11-06T11:21:00.002-05:00

I'm always surprised how quickly these things happen. I mean one minute, I'm content dating multiple guys, seeing where things go with each of them, and the next, I feel like any date would be an indiscretion and somewhat dishonest to the guy I've been dating. It's been 5 dates (one in 2 parts - that's to come) with the guy who lives with his ex. And I've done everything in my power to rationalize every reason why I shouldn't be with him, but I can't do it anymore. I like him, he likes me... so it just makes sense at this point. He's not perfect for me, not by any stretch of the imagination. And I don't know if it has real staying power, but for right now, I'm going to be happy enjoying it in the moment, taking it as it comes, and while I don't have to stop dating other people, I probably will.

Yesterday's date happened in two parts.

Part One

New guy and I had been texting all day the day before until about 7ish. I had a youth group event that night and he was going out to watch the game with some friends, so I knew that texting would be sporadic at best. He had sent me a text before I left asking me where I was, and which made me think that he hadn't gotten some of my previous texts. I sent him a text during my event, lamenting the score of the game and asking how his night was going... but I didn't hear back from him. I start to panic whenever there is a change in communication patterns. It's nonsense, because texting is an unreliable way of communicating, but I do freak out a bit. I got a text from him when I got home later that night, after midnight, accusing me of falling of the planet, but he hopes I had a good time out and he'd talk to me soon. I was confused because I clearly hadn't been the one to fall off the planet, he hadn't returned any of my texts! I sent him an email, and mentioned that we might be having technical difficulties with our texts. In the morning, still no response from him, so I started to panic a little bit. This is how I know I like this guy. If I didn't, I wouldn't care too much about not hearing from him (like when the bad kisser dropped off the planet, I didn't think twice about it). So, I decided that I was going to call him. I don't think I've ever initiated a phone call to him, and we've only talked on the phone a handful of times, and usually just to firm up plans. I was nervous, but it turned out to be no big deal. He hadn't gotten any of my text messages since the night before, around 6 or 7 ish. So he thought I was ignoring his texts and he hadn't checked his email. It all worked out fine, and we decided to go out for lunch, even though we had talked about hanging out at night too.

We went to lunch, and then to coffee, and just spent hours talking as usual. In my mind I was wondering if we were ever going to take this past the talking and a kiss goodbye stage, because that's exactly how it's been going for the past 4 dates. The first half of this date was the same. He drove me back to my house, dropped me off, kissed me goodbye. Again, no great spark at the kissing... and I was disappointed. He had to go out for his friend's birthday and I was meeting up with friends for dinner, but he wanted to hang out after he was done dinner.

Intermission - Dinner & Pedicure = me hashing this out with the girls. The opinion there was to move this past the kiss goodbye stage, but short of him coming into my house or me going to his, I couldn't figure out how to make this happen.

Part Two

He came back to my house to pick me up for the second part of our date. He wanted to come in to my house, but I hadn't cleaned and there was NO way that was happening. And he clearly didn't want to go back to his place with all of his roommates about. So we ended up at a diner. And we stayed there for hours, and talked and talked... it's turning into a pattern. We drink coffee, we talk, we go back to my house, he kisses me goodbye, the end. I was NOT going to allow that to happen. This was do or die. Not to be harsh, but if there wasn't a spark at the end of this date, then that was it! I was done. So, after hours at the diner, he drives me back to my house, and we kiss... but it's different this time. Neither one of us in a rush to leave, or get somewhere. So we lingered, and the kissing was... well... remarkably better in terms of sparks. Butterflies and excitement and all of that. I'm glad I didn't write it off at the first one, or the second... third time's the charm. I feel great when I'm with him, he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am, and really seems wowed to be with me all the time. I'm getting better at accepting compliments like these, and instead of trying to be humble and deny them, I'm trying to get better by just saying "thanks." It's definitely new, considering I can count on maybe 2 hands the number of times Mr. Perfect told me he thought I was pretty. But this guy doesn't hold back, and I like it. We stayed in his car for about 2 hours or so. It wasn't really the most comfortable, and seemed so silly because we were right outside my house, where no one else lives but me, but really it wasn't clean enough. And being in the car definitely prohibits things from going too far too fast. I finally went in my house around 3 am, and I feel bad because he had to work today. It's his birthday today, and he has plans with his ex-wife's family for dinner/cake (I know... at what point does that start sounding ok?) but he's coming over here afterwards. So today I'm cleaning in preparation, I feel excited about this prospect and nervous at the same time.

Last night was definitely a turning point, tonight may be too.

Kissable Moments.

2009-11-04T18:29:00.003-05:00

So, it continues with the guy who lives with his ex-wife (needs a new name... can't think of anything clever). I'm torn, yeah, I don't like the situation, and every time I think about it, it makes me generally uncomfortable. And the worst part is I think I make sort of snide/seemingly jealous or bitter comments to him, which just makes me seem a little immature. Although, I'm not sure HOW I should respond when he talks about her. It's weird, definitely. But in all fairness, this situation is definitely different than the ones before. First off, I know that she knows about me, which is always a bit more comforting than being kept a secret, as was the case with CK & D. And I know he likes me. I'm not saying this as a perceived notion, I'm stating it as fact. He totally is into me. He texts me all the time, asks to see me pretty often, and I don't mind.

We went out on Monday night, instead of watching the World Series game as I had planned. In my defense, I did not want to watch them lose, and if they did win, there would be game 6 and (hopefully) game 7, so I should just go out. Well of course I missed a great game, but I had a great date instead. It was pretty low key. We went to dinner, he picked me up so there was no weird driving situation like last time. And after dinner we were going to go to the movies, but there wasn't anything that either of us were very interested in seeing, so we decided to go for coffee. But there weren't any coffee places open except Dunkin' Donuts (which is poorly lit for dates - it's way too harsh), and Starbucks, which we both don't like... so we drove to WaWa, got coffee and drove to a park. It was kind of a chilly night to be sitting out in a park, but it was night. We were sitting next to each other, so it made it hard to look at him while we were talking, that and I was trying to keep from shivering out of my skin - I get so cold so easily! At one point he told me how comfortable he felt with me, which was nice, and I feel comfortable with him too, I'm just not sure I feel romantically comfortable with him. He's kind of awkward in that area... and it just makes me feel a little awkward. And I'm not, when it comes to romantic gestures or those initial moments. Those first dates are always a little awkward, but I felt like this was on a different scale. He pointed it out last time, which I wasn't so happy about, because I felt like it put more pressure on me.. And he's so not awkward in any other way. I wish he were just cool with making a move, kissing me, whatever. I definitely wanted him to kiss me while we were at the park, and I'm sure he wanted to, but I wasn't going to make that move. So he didn't. ARGH. Frustrating. It would have been a nice first kiss place. But alas... it was not.

So, he drove me back to my house. It was getting late, almost 1 am, and the next day wasn't a teaching day (election day = no students) and this week is a short one, so I didn't really care about the time. I would've stayed out later. But there was no where to go, and he wasn't making any moves... so home it was. When we got back to my house, we sat in my driveway for quite some time. When I finally got sleepy and started yawning profusely, and was ready to go, he decides to make a move. What?? Ok, so he comes around to open my door for me in the car, which is very sweet, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I would have been very good at dating in the 1950s or whenever people did this all the time and it was expected. I was just sitting in his car, alone and it felt really awkward waiting for him to go around and open the door for me. So, he opens the door, and decides that a great moment to kiss me. When I'm just about ready to go to bed. I was a little surprised, since he had plenty of kissable moments throughout the date, and didn't take any of them (he did lick my sweater at one point... that's a strange story, and sounds SO weird out of context and really gross, but it was actually part of what we were talking about... I just can't remember why at this time) but chose to kiss me when he was dropping me off. It was good, the kissing, and it's only a little awkward that he's shorter than me (have I mentioned that before? Shorter, maybe 2 inches, than me is not really my type! but then again, neither are divorcees who live with their ex-wives.) But, he walked me to the door, kissed me some more, and that was the date.

I didn't feel a great spark when he kissed me. He wasn't a bad kisser and it was generally pleasant, but I wasn't totally enamoured by it. Maybe I was too tired, or anticipating it too much. I liked it, I just didn't get butterflies or feel super excited by it. I'm obviously not going to write it off, and we're going to go out tomorrow night and/or Friday (depending on how the Phils do tonight!!), but I'm hoping there's more electricity there next time. I want this work, but part of me might be looking for excuses for it not to work out. There's just so many reservations (or rather just ONE looming reservation), and I'm dreading that part.

Also, I got a shout out on the Nice Jewish Guys Facebook page! Maybe there will be new readers! Too bad all the Jdate dates were from 2006-07. Again, must resolve to date more Jews! (this guy who lives with his ex, not Jewish... but his ex wife is. probably doesn't count though.)

Seeking: NJB

2009-11-02T16:57:00.002-05:00

Ever since I've been working as the youth group advisor for USY, people have been asking me if I'm doing it to meet an Nice Jewish Boy. Well, it's not the REASON I took the job, but I wouldn't be opposed, that's for sure. After countless disappointing years on and off Jdate, I kind of wrote off the whole Jewish guy thing. I'm not particularly religious, and wouldn't want to be with someone who kept kosher (me +bacon = goodness, also me + cheesesteak, and shellfish, and everything else that is not kosher) or went to synagogue all the time (not a fan), but someone who I didn't have to explain the rituals of having gefilte fish on Passover, and how it doesn't actually taste as bad as it looks, but I wouldn't hold it against them if they didn't eat it... I don't eat Matzoh Balls, so I lose some points there, I guess. But, ever since I've been resubmerged in the Jewish culture through the USY position, I've realized that it is something that is important to me, at least culturally. Judaism is hard because it's part religion and part culture. You can be culturally Jewish without being religious, and this is something I have a hard time balancing.

I'm a spiritual person. I believe in something greater than myself, and do think there are such things as fate & destiny (no eye rolling please... at least not to my face!) :) I would like to eventually marry someone who is Jewish, I think, and I think whenever I meet someone on match who is, that person becomes automatically more appealing to me regardless of whether or not I would be interested in them if they weren't Jewish. Not to mention my grandmothers like to put it on me that I'm their absolute last hope of a grandchild marrying someone who is Jewish. Nothing like good Jewish grandmother guilt! But regardless, it's always something I saw for myself, but I haven't been actually seeking that out in the guys I date.

Maybe it should be a new year's resolution, a little early, for 2010. Date more Jewish guys. And to help me get there... or if anyone is looking for a Hanukkah present for me, this calendar should suffice. Seriously people, the holidays are right around the corner! :)

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-10-28T19:16:00.002-04:00

After a week of trying to figure out what to do about the guy who lives with his ex, I decided I'm not going to do anything at all. Meaning - I'm not going to end things, because frankly, I do like him, despite how impractical it seems right now. So, while he was away in Maine, we communicated through texts every day. And he wanted to see me the day after he got back, but of course, my many jobs interfered with my social life as usual. We went out last night, which was supposed to be a relatively early dinner and then a movie. However, due to some issue at his work, we had to go later, which he did give me the option of bailing on one of the activities (dinner or a movie, instead of both). I didn't want to cancel the movie, because we've hung out before and done the whole conversation over drinks, etc, and dinner seemed to be too similar to that, AND I really did want to see the movie. A movie date without anything else doesn't lead to much, so it had to be both. So, a later dinner and an even later movie, I was still planning on being home by midnight.

We went to a Thai restaurant that I had been meaning to try not too far from my house. I had heard good things about it, and it was ok, nothing great like Brooklyn Thai food, but not much is. We split a bottle of wine, and talked over dinner. He ordered Pad Thai, which made me laugh, because it reminded me of one my first blog dates when I totally criticized my date for ordering pad thai, it was a boring choice, but I was also making my point then that it was a boring date and his food choice just emphasized that. And, in confession, this guy knows about the blog. He's my friend on facebook, and has seen multiple friends post things about the blog, and I have mentioned it before too. So I told him the story about the date with the boring pad thai. I know. Telling guys about the blog has never worked in my interest before, but I believe that he has no intention of actually trying to find it and whether he does or not, I want to assure you that this is not watered down blogging.

So over an hour at dinner, long conversations as usual, and it's time to head to the movie. We split a piece of cake before going in, and are just one of few people in the theater. I mean, who really goes to the movies at 9:40 on a Tuesday night. (BONUS Mini Blog - within the blog -I actually had been to the same theater the night before with Mr. Perfect. I took him out for his birthday - I felt bad, it was his birthday and he had no plans. Although he did tell me that he's been on a few dates with a new girl, and has slept with her. Seriously, and all that time I was very careful not to tell him about the Bad Kisser because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Well, that went out the window at dinner, and I told him about the bad kisser and that I was going out with the guy who lives with his ex, and texted guy who lives with his ex throughout the night while I was out with Mr. P. Uch, I was so irritated by him. I did tell him that he's dating the wrong girls and that he's not going to be happy if he still is unhappy with his life. I was pretty harsh on him, for his birthday and all. but whatever, I'm over that. I did my duty as a friend and an ex, and made sure he didn't spend his birthday by himself. It wasn't a fun evening for either of us, and I doubt it will happen again anytime soon. Much needed closure.) ANYWAY, back to the date at hand... I LOVED the movie. I know a lot of people who saw it and didn't like it, but I didn't go into it thinking of it as a kid's movie and you really can't. It's not meant for little ones, and it's an angry, yet beautifully made movie. I love the book, Where the Wild Things Are, and the movie did not disappoint. I really thought Sendak's artwork came through the cinematography beautifully, and to take a 5 minute story and turn it into a full length film was not done without a lot of development of the characters. Loved it.

After the movie, he drove me back to my car and we sat there and talked for another 2 hours. I think he wanted to kiss me, but I was not going to make it easy for him. He told me that he's really awkward about the "end of dates" and I kind of shook my head sympathetically. I'm not going to make the first move. And then I brought up my own reservations. I'm not really ready to let go the whole living with his ex-wife/lesbian thing. So I brought it up, as my own apprehension that I have towards whatever it is that we're doing (which as of right now, is hanging out... and if that's all it's going to be, I guess it doesn't matter who he lives with!). And we talked about that at length for a long time, we talked about his relationship with his ex, his marriage to his ex, his wedding. How it all went wrong. Really lovely 3rd date conversation. He made it very clear that he likes me, he's interested in dating me at least, and he hopes that I can come to terms with his living situation. I hope I can too. I really do like him, despite my actual trying not to, because it might not be the ideal situation to be in, but I'm willing to see how it all pans out.

I'm not sure how the rest of my dating life is holding up at this point, my work schedule definitely impedes it, and there's one guy who's been trying to set up a date with me for about a month, but it seems like my work gets in the way every single time. And I don't think he's all that interested anyway. If he were, we could meet up for drinks/dinner during the week, but he's never been that interested in setting that up. And he always waits until the last minute to try to make plans. With my schedule, I can't do that, and so, a month or more later, we still haven't been on a date. He's still trying though, we'll see if it happens. There's a few more, emails/IMs only at this point. Who knows what will be, and who knows what could happen in the mean time. All I know is that when all is said and done, I look forward to hearing from the guy who lives with his ex the most, and haven't really thought much about any of the others since. These are big steps for me, those of you who lived through my crazy summer/fall, I'm finally(?) ready to move on!

Cooking for One

2009-10-20T23:49:00.004-04:00

I have to admit, that when I'm by myself, I don't do much just for myself. And since I live alone, and don't often have company, this means I very rarely cook for myself. Sometimes I don't even eat depending on the amount of food that is in my house. I went from the end of June until the end of September without grocery shopping. It's a talent.

Tonight, I went to a cooking class. It was geared towards young Jewish singles in their 20's and 30's. Of course the demographic was made up of mostly girls, one gay (?) guy, one guy who left about 20 minutes in (and he was not attractive!), and another borderline attractive, but not really, guy. It was run by a gay guy and a married guy, so my only hope going into this was the chef. He did not disappoint.

I'm not going to lie. I find talent to be one of the most appealing thing a person can offer. Show me skill, talent, creativity, whatever, and I am yours. So, this single, Jewish chef was all in all VERY appealing to me. Maybe appealing enough to become a new crush (I know you all will miss the old one!). I partnered up with another girl during the class, stationed myself directly in front of the chef, and smiled shamelessly the entire time. Nothing happened, but I did get to make some delicious food, and had the female/male ratio been a bit more balanced, it would've been a bit more productive I think.

I don't think I'm going to be cooking all that more often for myself now, nor do I think anything will come of this, but I had a good time and got my mind off other things that have been plaguing it lately!

food = delicious.

Doesn't it sound familiar...

2009-10-16T19:13:00.004-04:00

Last night was the 2nd date with the guy from earlier this week. You know, the one who lives with his lesbian ex-wife, and all his ex in-laws either in the same house or right across the street? Yeah, that one.

Ok, so I don't care about that so much anymore. I know I probably should. I've been burned badly in situations like these... D and his ex girlfriend, CK and the BFPE, who was bisexual, which I know isn't the same, but that didn't turn out well in my favor either. I know it probably doesn't matter how many excuses I make, there's just something wrong with living with your ex-wife, no matter how into girls she is. But all that aside, I just don't even really think about it when we're hanging out.

Last night we met up at a coffee shop in walking distance from my house. There is something calming about being able to walk to date, it reminded me of dating in NYC. I considered driving the 3 blocks because it was so cold and miserable out last night, but in the city, I would have never driven to the subway, and the coffee shop is closer to my house than the subway was to my apartment, so that didn't make much sense. I bundled up way more than I should have to for mid-October, and walked over to the coffee house. Well, it was so crowded and there was some sort of open mic night going on, it was kind of crazy. We found a spot that ended up being a good as we were going to get in there, removed in a corner, behind the music, so we weren't even facing it. However, there were some very strange folk and very interesting music which provided much fodder for the conversation.

Some highlights of the night were a song about fisting (I'm not sure that this is what the song was really about, but my date seems to think so, he thought it was hysterical), a spoken word poetry session about nursing homes set to some synthesizer music, a creepy father/daughter (maybe not, we hypothesized this relationship) duet sung pretty badly, and me stabbing myself with a toothpick in my gums. That wasn't embarrassing at all. At one point, the coffee house staff brought around some dessert bites for the customers in the place, on toothpicks. When I have something in my hands, like a toothpick, I tend to fidget with it, and it was in and out of my hands/mouth while we were talking. And at one point, I lodged it into my gums pretty hard, and I started to bleed, kind of excessively. I had already finished my tea and I didn't have anything to rinse my mouth out with, it was pretty horrific. My date was cool though, and if he was terrified by my self-mutilation, he didn't let on too much. I'm realizing I'm way out of practice in the dating scene, in my heyday I would have known not to play with sharp objects!

So, this date was only moderately shorter than the last one, lasting about 3.5 hours, which for a second date isn't so bad. I was still tired from the late night earlier in the week, and hadn't fully caught up on my sleep, so I was yawning profusely by 11 pm. Around 11:30 we made it outside, and I wonder how the goodbye would have gone if it hadn't been awkwardly interrupted. This tall, gangly, toothy guy followed us out, he had been in and out of the place all night, and had been the topic of much speculation and discussion on our date. Tall guy proceeded to try to talk to us, asking if we were leaving. Which just made it awkward for us, because he had to go to his car, and I was walking in the opposite direction... so we hugged goodbye, and tried to escape the weird guy. I was slightly afraid that the tall guy was going to follow me around the corner, but he didn't. He just kind of interfered at an inopportune time.

So the ex-wife guy is going away for over a week, and I'm sure we'll be in communication the entire time, but it's a lot less pressure to figure out what it is I'm looking for with him, and if I want to play this role for yet a 3rd time in my dating history.

3rd time's a charm?

Just the facts.

2009-10-14T19:18:00.002-04:00

So I'm going to try to disclose very little about last night's date, just the facts. I don't want to muddy this up with opinions of what I think is right or wrong... I'm just trying to sort through the facts, and then go from here.

Fact #1 - This guy started emailing while I was dating the bad kisser. I wasn't not interested, but I wasn't interested in starting something new while I was still working things out with the bad kisser. Things fizzled and I went away, didn't expect to hear from him again.

Fact #2 - He emailed me again when I got home and updated my match profile with pictures from Hawaii. I had already decided to end things with the bad kisser, so this was as good opportunity to reconnect as any. We started emailing, daily.

Fact #3 - Over the past 2 months, we have exchanged about 100 emails, most of them very long, and lengthy. That's about an email a day from each of us, sometimes more. I have definitely gotten to know him through emails, and he's someone I can connect with intellectually for sure... but I'm not without very strong reservations on this one. Which brings me to..

Fact #4 - He's divorced. I don't usually date guys who are divorced, even if there are no children involved (especially if there ARE children involved - dealbreaker.) I waiver on this one here, they got divorced because his wife is a lesbian. Ok, so clearly not his fault. But do I want to be someone's second? And it gets better...

Fact #5 - He LIVES with his ex-wife and her new girlfriend. In the same house, that they bought when they were married. But now they aren't. And his ex in-laws live across the street. I want to be cool with this. He presented it as such: either you get it or you don't, but it's not something he plans on changing until the market rebounds and they can sell it for what it's worth, I get it, but still...it makes me feel a little strange. I remember with D, with his ex, and how he spent most of his time with her and not me, and he definitely didn't live with her. But she wasn't a lesbian either. I'm trying not make judgements. I really don't know what to make of this... But I'm straying from the facts.

Fact #6 - After emailing daily for 2 months, last night we decided to meet up for drinks. I was nervous at first, but quickly I felt like I was having drinks with an old friend. 2 beers and 4 hours later, it was after 1 am on a school night, and I probably could have stayed and talked for another 4 hours. I don't feel like I have to hide anything or pretend to be something I'm not, I felt very comfortable, very fast.

Fact #7 - He manages a Borders (me + books = happy), and a few weeks back I had mentioned an owl bag that I bought at Borders... and that there was an owl journal that matched my bag that I wanted. I must have mentioned it a few times. He brought said owl journal for me last night. :)

Fact #8 - There was a hug goodbye, no kiss, but again, I'm still not sure. We've texted all day today.

Fact #9 - We're going out again tomorrow.

Chemistry

2009-10-11T20:59:00.004-04:00

So, if you've ever dated online, like I have, you may have wondered about those sites that claim to match you with people who are exceptionally compatible for you. eHarmony is one that most people think of, but match has its own variety as well, Chemistry. And by the name, you'd hope that the people you'd be matched with would spark some chemistry.

I've never actively done any of these sites, so I can't really comment. However, every once in a while, Chemistry offers a free weekend, and since I already have the whole profile down, I tried it out. So, the problem is you go through this rigorous matching selection, and you are given matches with whom the computer thinks you'll be compatible, and you really get no say in the matter other than yes or no. So, I chose a few that I thought were ok, based on the very limited profile you get to see, and started communication with one or two. I had to find ways to sneak my email address into the communications because once the weekend was over, I wouldn't be able to email them anymore. So, one guy and I started emailing outside of Chemistry. He seemed ok, a bit older than I usually date, and something seemed, well maybe a bit off. But I'm giving it all a chance these days, so we emailed for about 2 weeks, and decided today to meet up for coffee.

Yawn. Yeah, this date SUCKED. Sorry for not being hopeful or even kind. It was just so painfully boring, I didn't know what to do. I managed to sit through 2 hours of coffee, by just barely staying awake. The conversation was rough. I mean, I know I'm out of practice. It's been over 2 months since my last first date, but things with the bad kisser were WAY better conversationally than with this guy. I felt like our conversational styles did not gel. Is that even possible? Can you not converse well with someone, even if both people are participating in the conversation?

Somehow the conversation came around to beliefs, and I told him that I believed that everything happens for a reason. And he rolled his eyes. Literally. Rolled his eyes in front of me, as if that kind of response is acceptable. So I asked him what he believes in. He told me that he believes in 3 things... Karma, Murphy's Law, and Choice (which I think is a bit ironic for someone who is dating on a website that doesn't allow you choose your own matches!) Ok. I can believe in all of those three things and still believe that my life is leading me somewhere I'm supposed to be. I just have a strong spiritual faith these days, that there are things that are beyond my control, but I will eventually get to exactly where I need to be. Does this mean I'm giving up free will or letting the universe make choices for me? No, in fact, I feel like it's the opposite. I've made a choice. I've chosen to accept the things that happen to me that are beyond my control (even some of the things that I've chosen that are within my control), I make choices all the time, and they will determine the path of my life - which is exactly where it should be, I hope. Anyway, he wasn't saying anything that I really thought was smart or interesting. And he talked a lot about how his Catholic school education was way better than public school education, which as a public school educator... I take offense to. He wasn't particular warm or kind, and I didn't laugh a whole lot. He looked like Ted Bundy from Married with Children (on edit: thanks to Logan - it's Al Bundy, not Ted Bundy who is a serial killer - whoops!) And I imagine that will only get worse as he gets older.

I'm sad that my first date back in so long was such a let down. I have to be honest that I didn't go into with the high hopes I had promised. I knew from the start I wasn't going to really like this guy, I just was hoping that maybe I was wrong from the initial impression he gave. He gave me an awkard hug and a kiss on the cheek when we were leaving, and said that if I wanted to do this again, I should let him know. I wonder if he thought there was something there that I missed?

So, as far as chemistry goes... I'm not sure what the computers could see that I couldn't, but if I rated our chemistry on a scale of 1 - 10, he'd be a negative 3.

I wonder...

2009-10-04T16:48:00.002-04:00

If the person who writes the blogs for woot has actually been out with some of the same guys I have or has heard some of my stories. I know it's just an ad to sell this tripod thing, but seriously, I laughed while reading this whole thing... because well, it's almost as if they have been a part of my previous relationships... all of them with guys who have no friends!

Here is the link to the blog, but here's the text anyway, just for shits and giggles. Seriously, I could've written this myself....

The Photos Don’t Lie

When I responded to his personals ad, I was under the impression he was normal.

He had all these pictures, see? There was one of him playing basketball, one of him laughing over something someone apparently said just out of frame at a nice dinner out, one of him paddling a canoe, taken from the bow. They made it seem like he had interests. Like he had a life. Like he had friends.

Fast-forward nine weeks into our relationship, and we haven’t done anything but hang out at his house and watch Netflix. He recites dialogue along with sci-fi classics, which is funny the first time, but then you realize he isn’t doing it to be funny. For him, this is like reading along with the liturgist at church.

We haven’t been hiking, we haven’t been out to dinner, and watching him fumble with the DVD remote control, I’m starting to seriously doubt he’s a regular at pick-up basketball games.

So I ask him. “Hey, Tim,” I say, all casual-like, “do you want to maybe go camping this weekend?”

He can’t. His back.

“How about tomorrow night I take you out to eat?”

He can’t. His food allergies.

“Well, when do you think I might meet some of your friends?”

He pauses the DVD. Harrison Ford as Deckard is frozen with an expression of alarm, like he knows what’s coming. “This is about my Jdate photos, isn’t it?”

“No, I just… well… Maybe a little. You just seemed so active from your profile. How come we never do any of that stuff?”

“Fake,” he says. “All fake.”

“What do you mean, ‘fake?’” I ask. Who took the pictures for you?”

“I took them myself. I didn’t want to go the hold-the-camera-at-arm’s-length route, though—I thought I’d come off better if it seemed like someone else took them.”

“You… what?”

“I took my Sunpack Flexpod Gripper mini-tripod to a restaurant, I ordered enough food to make it look like a big group dinner, I pretended to talk to someone seated off-camera, and there you go. It was easy. The Flexpod makes a great tabletop tripod, actually.”

“But… canoeing? Basketball?”

“Yeah, that was a busy day. Paddling a canoe is a pain in the kiester, I’ll tell you that. But the photography part was a cinch. The Flexpod can bend to fit almost anywhere. I wrapped it around one of the thwarts and took that photo in about three seconds. Basketball was harder. I can’t dribble worth a turd. It took a long time to get that shot.”

“So… you really don’t have any friends at all?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. I consider the Flexpod a pretty good friend. It helped me score with you. Name another wing man with the patience to take almost three hundred photos of his buddy in hopes of getting one where it doesn’t look like the aforementioned buddy is having an epileptic fit. Plus I can play WAR OF THE WORLDS with it.”

“I… I just don’t understand how you could do such a thing.”

“Simple! I play myself, and the Flexpod pretends to be one of the Martian tripods.”

My goal, seriously, is to date a guy who has a solid group of friends. That's all I really want.

Time for a Change

2009-09-20T13:32:00.002-04:00

I've been dating almost exclusively online for as long as this blog has existed. With a few exceptions, most of the dates I had were online dates. I will never speak badly about dating online, I met some great people, had one of the best relationships of my life, but I'm tired of dating online. I'm tired of the emails, and the winks, and the work that goes into being an active online dater. Plus, it makes everything so complicated.. You can check when the last time the person you are dating logged in, if they are still active after your date, does that mean they aren't interested in you? If they don't take down their profile, does that mean they plan on using it, even if you're in a relationship (This was a problem with Mr. P in the beginning.) So how does one meet people in a digital age, where social interaction has been limited to text messages, facebook posts, tweets.

My first step is to ask ANYONE and everyone I know if they know anyone they can set me up with. This is friends, family, co-workers... blog readers? Seriously, if anyone who reads this knows of anyone in the Philly area that might be interesting to date, shoot me an email, let me know. I'm open to anything or anyone.

My two extra jobs are also hopefully going to bring new social interactions. Yesterday and today I had to attend two different synagogue services for the high holidays. There wasn't an overwhelming amount of single men there, but there were definitely a few. And you know Jewish mothers are all about setting up their sons with "nice Jewish girls" (that's me!!) At the library, it's a little tricky, but my job is to talk to people who come in, help them answer any questions, locate any information they can't find themselves. So, new interactions = new potentials for dates. I still have a month paid on Match, and then I get another 6 months for free since I didn't meet "the one." So there will still be possible online dates, it's just not the only way I'm going to try to meet people these days.

The single girls at school are going to make a concerted effort to go out, try different/fun things, happy hours, wine tastings, hikes. We're going to go out, and if we meet people, great... If not, at least we're getting out and doing something fun!

I don't have any dates coming up, there are some email exchanges happening, but no dates scheduled yet. If anyone wants to try to set one up, I'm game!

One Year Ago...

2009-09-14T23:20:00.002-04:00

A year ago today, I posted a very sappy loving post about my then boyfriend, Mr. Perfect. It was the day before my 28th birthday, and I was so in love. It's funny what a difference a year makes. In fact, in this case, it was only a few days after that post that Mr. P and I had one of our worst fights ever (it was the day after my birthday, I remember it well) and when we made up a few days later, he told me that even though he loved me, he couldn't see himself ever marrying me. This devastated me, because at that time, I was certain... he was it. I never told a soul that, until today, when I did tell 2 of my best friends this in different conversations. Why, might you ask, would I need to remind myself that at point in time Mr. P made it very clear to me that we would not be a permanent thing? Because tonight, of all nights, he took me out to dinner and a movie to celebrate my birthday. And while it was very innocent and platonic (nothing more than a kiss on the hand when I was leaving his car), I felt an enormous wave of sadness fall over me when I walked into my door, spending the night before my birthday with an ex, and going to bed alone. I don't miss him, or our relationship, we had so many problems by the end. But my life just isn't how I thought it was going to be at 29. And a year ago, if you told me this is where I'd be in my life, I probably wouldn't have believed it. Back to where I had started so many years ago, so many heartbreaks later, and still so unsure where it's all going to go. I definitely have the birthday blues this year. I kind of just want it to be over with, I guess 28 was actually the bad year, so maybe 29 will be a much better one! My 28th year started with me falling down the stairs in school (in front of an entire class of my students!), almost breaking up with Mr. P the following day, and eventually leading to the inevitable break-up, a few months of us being broken up, but not really... and then me spending a summer being irrational and impulsive, again making poor choices. Not my finest year, by far. I hope 29 will be truer to myself. I hope that I can resolve any issues I have with the "ideal" I have in my head, who will never be a reality (mainly because I stalked him... yes, that's the stranger from earlier the summer... I haven't done anything else, just still haven't gotten the idea of him out of my head. Pathetic, no?) I just want to be honest with myself, with the guys I date, with what I truly hope to get out of whatever the purpose of these dates are for. I'm not into dating just for fun anymore... It's not fun anymore, to be honest. It's a lot of work. I read back again over my summer before I turned 26 (that sounds SO young at this point!), and I was having a great time with dating. I didn't care about how it was all going to turn out, I just dated. I didn't care if the guy wasn't into me. I didn't send him crazy emails, trying to explain myself, I just let go, and moved on. I'm feeling a little lost and little bewildered with my life right now. I'm hoping I've made the right choices and where I am will lead to me where I am supposed to be. Hopeful... well at least one of the worst years of my life will be over in just 26 minutes, Happy Birthday to me... :)

29 times around the sun.

2009-09-09T19:50:00.004-04:00

With a birthday looming, just a few days away, I feel like maybe I'm just too old for this these days. I'm not the youthful 26 year old serial dater I used to be. I get too invested, too caught up, too emotional, and it's just not the right mindset. 29. Damn.

I seemed to have given off a strong enough uninterested vibe to PJ to end this without me having to say anything at all. It's been 3 whole days and I've heard nothing from him at all. I talked to him on Sunday night, and he tried to convince me to drive out to his place to see him. I was already tired, it's a 45 minute drive there and back, and I wasn't interested in starting my first week of school with students on a sleep deficit. But I was also feeling kind of lonely and sad, too, and stupid thoughts of "maybe it's better to be with a guy who really likes me than no guy at all..." were running through my head, so I was actually considering it. I was debating back and forth, and finally called him to see if he would give me a reason that would convince me to come over. He was at his brother's place, and had been drinking all day... this did not make for very convincing material for me. Basically, we ended the conversation with not seeing each other that night and maybe we'd plan something for another time. I haven't heard from him since. And even if it wasn't already feeling questionable about him, the fact that he did not text me to see how my first day of school was seems pretty clear that he's not all that interested in how I feel or how I'm doing. Maybe this should have been a sign in the beginning when he didn't text after our second date. Whatever the case may be, at least I can settle this and feel alright about it. I updated my match profile, and it seems to have generated a good bit of interest there. I'm not sure when I'll be able to actually go on these dates though, as I have work scheduled for every single weekend from now until November. Well, they are not all work, there are some fun events/activities planned too, but mostly, work. Blech. I'm less than thrilled.

But my motto from the summer, hopeful dating, this is what I'm still trying to muster up, every time I get a wink from a 50 year old in Camden or an email all in CAPS from a guy who calls me creepy things like "sexy mama," it's beyond description. But still, I'm hopeful that the next one will be better suited to what I'm looking for.

Catching Up.

2009-09-05T10:41:00.002-04:00

So, here's my life... September is traditionally a big waste of a month for me, socially. It's really hard to balance getting back into a work schedule, being exhausted all the time, AND dating. Traditionally, it's a slow dating month if I'm single. This month proves to be no exception, but I do have some updates from the end of August to catch up on.

Last Saturday, I returned home from the most beautiful vacation, ever. Hawaii is gorgeous, and I highly recommend it to everyone. Throughout the whole week, PJ and I had been texting and talking, almost every day. I would go back and forth between being really into him and missing him, to being annoyed and irritated with him. Not a good sign. He wanted to come over Saturday night, the night I got home from traveling for 14 hours, no sleep, and just overall exhaustion. Also, the following day was my first USY adviser event, and work started on Tuesday and I hadn't so much as even looked at my classroom before I left for Hawaii... Needless to say, on top of being tired, I felt a little stressed out too! I should have known this was not a good idea. I'm not really being fair to him, it was really sweet that he wanted to come see me the very day I got home, and there was a part of me that missed him, I just probably would have felt better about it if I wasn't feeling so overwhelmed by everything else. So, he came over and it was ok. I was cranky, and not being super affectionate for not having seen him for over a week. I definitely feel like my interest in him decreases every time we hang out, which is weird. I can't figure out how that happened, shouldn't you be more interested in someone the more you hang out? We had dinner at my place and then just hung out on the couch. I had every intention of going to sleep early, and despite the 6 hour jet lag, I hadn't slept in 24 hours so I was exhausted. He decided he was going to stay over... I thought that was too much for me right then, but was too tired to get into a conversation about it. It's one thing if it gets too late and you decided to sleep over because it's so late (like 4am) and you decide to stay, but it was 11:30. So he stayed, cramped my sleeping style (which was exactly what I did not need the night before my crazy week), and stayed until almost noon the next day. I HATE that. I really wanted him to leave earlier, but how do you say that? I had so much to do, wanted to get some laundry started before I went to my event, but nothing got done. So finally he left, and I realized that this is just not working for me. I've had the whole week to process these feelings. I just can't date someone that I just don't feel anything for. I can't exactly place what it is that makes me feel this way, and some of my friends think I should give it a chance, let him continue to take me out, etc. I've done that before... and then it lasted over 2 years of my life. I'm not interested in getting stuck in something that I already know I don't want.

So, he came over last night, despite me telling him that I had been at school until 6, and didn't get home until after 8, and was just exhausted. I knew if he came over he would want to stay, and I did not want that. I need to catch up on my sleep, my housework, laundry, the rest of my life! We went to go see Extract, and then he came back to my place. He asked if I wanted him to stay here, and I just said that I really was so tired, and I don't sleep very well when I'm sharing my bed (which is true!), so it'd be best if he left. He seemed rather disappointed that he was leaving so early (although it was after 1am!), and asked what I was doing every single night this weekend. I just can't seem to find the right way to say that I'm not feeling it anymore. I'm not good at this part. I was hoping that my busy schedule would be a deterrent, I even brought out my calendar that shows that all my weekends are booked from now until well into October. I don't know what else I can do, I guess I'll have to tell him.

I was able to figure out why I like him less now than when I first met him. He doesn't have anything new to say. It's like the conversations we had on our first 3 dates, which were great, are the only conversations he knows how to have. He doesn't ask me anything new about myself, and sometimes talking to him feels like pulling teeth. I wonder how this is the same guy that I once had a 3 hour phone conversation with, and now I can barely manage a 10 minute one. It's disappointing. And I feel like I'm constantly trying to drive the conversation into new topics, but he's not the best conversationalist. He's got a weird social awkwardness about him too. It's not like I don't date socially awkward guys, it seems to be all I date actually. But his isn't the withdrawn, shy social awkwardness that I'm used to. It's the "I'm saying things I think are cool but really make me look stupid/like I'm trying too hard" awkwardness. This is BRAND new to me, and I don't know how to respond when he says things like "I'm picking up what you're putting down," or when I say something that is clearly sarcastic or rhetorical and he responds to it as if it were serious. It makes for very bad communication skills. Not what I'm interested in, at all.

With the craziness of school starting, and my 2 other jobs, I'm really ready to just take a break and enjoy what little free time I have.

No One's Girlfriend.

2009-08-20T00:13:00.003-04:00

Today may have been the longest 5th date in the world. Well, probably not, but it did span 12 hours entirely. From noon til midnight, I was in the company of PJ (new name for the bad kisser - it seems unfair to keep calling him that), and it was quite a monumental day. It started off with him coming to school with me, with every intention of him helping me set up my classroom. I'm freaking out a bit about this, because I'm leaving for Hawaii on Friday, and I have done NOTHING in my classroom. I came in today, with PJ, and the floors in my room had just been done, not dry yet, and I couldn't move anything in! I could have done my bulletin boards, but that I don't really need help with, and would have been quite boring for him. So I just paraded him around the school, where he got to meet a bunch of my friends. He wasn't overly social, but he held his own alright around a group of girls who were doing a lot of squealing and giggling about dates (theirs, not mine - obviously!). Once we left, he asked me if this was just a clever rouse to get him to meet my friends. It wasn't, he was the one who took off of work today to hang out with me, and I needed to set up my classroom... It wasn't my fault that I couldn't get in there!

After 2 hours at school, we left and headed back to my place with the intentions of taking a nap before going to a movie tonight. Well, that never happened. We had a much needed talk, and a sort of DTR (for those of you who are new, DTR = "define the relationship" talk). So the much needed talk had to do with something I needed to tell him, which went over just fine. I had spent many days/hours practicing how I was going to say it, and it turned out, I ended up saying it in the most ridiculous way ever... but all turned out ok in the end, and things are just fine, for now. I told him that I didn't think I was ready for a serious relationship just yet, having just ended mine a few months ago. I just don't feel ready to be someone's "girlfriend" again just yet, and he seems to be ok with that. I did tell him that I'm not currently dating anyone else, just not looking to be so serious so fast. We never made it to the movie, spending most of the day in bed, napping/talking/...., we then took a walk and went to dinner. I also forced him to watch "He's Just Not That Into You" to prove my point about why I wouldn't have ever called him during that 4 day lapse when he didn't call/text me (yes, I know it's a movie, but it makes a very valid point... if a guy is interested in seeing you, he'll get in touch.) This came up today because one of my friends at school just started dating someone, and he made a point to say that he's not going to play the games, and if he wants to call her the next day, he will. He's not going to wait X amount of days to call, etc. I gave PJ a very pointed look during this story, which led to our discussions at dinner, and thus the movie.

I'm really glad that we have the week and a half that I'm away to put some space/time between this. Everything does seem to be moving at warp speed here, and I can't figure out how to slow it down. He's a great guy, I've enjoyed every single date we've had so far (with the exception of the kissing on date 2), but let's be honest, it's summer. I have all the time in the world, very little stress. Dating in the summer is EASY. Way easy. Dating someone who lives 45 minutes away (with no traffic!), while I'm working 3 jobs, and trying to balance everything else in my life, might not be as fun. I'm willing to continue to see where it goes, and if it works out, great. If it doesn't, I'm still hopeful for the best, wherever it may be.

Fast and Furious

2009-08-13T08:48:00.003-04:00

Please forgive me for any grievous spelling/grammatical errors in this post... I'm going on virtually zero sleep from last night, but I wanted to get this up before I left!

Last night was the 4th date with the BK, who I guess we can rename to the Improving Kisser, as last night he continued to make significant improvements in this area. We went to dinner in Manayunk, since I was dropping my dog off at my brother's house for the weekend and it's on the way home from work for him. We decided to go for Thai food, and anyone who has read my earlier posts from Brooklyn, knows that I am serious about my Thai food. I had been to this restaurant before with my brother and his girlfriend, and I remember it being crowded and loud, not all that different from my favorite Thai place in Brooklyn, only about 3x more expensive! It's also BYO, so I offered to supply the beer, knowing that he would be paying for the meal. Because I'm a poor planner, I didn't go pick up the beer in time, make it home in time to pack up my dog, and get on the road in a reasonable amount of time to drop off my dog and make it to dinner, and thus I was half an hour late. I felt really bad, but he was understanding, and very patient about waiting. It probably didn't hurt that he thought I looked "hot" last night (his words, NOT mine... I was hoping more for, "you look nice" or "you look really pretty," but hot... hmm. I'll take what I can get for right now... but true to myself, I told him that I would rather him tell me I look nice, not hot.)

Over dinner, which was delicious, we sampled the beers I brought, talked, and time passed quickly. Next thing I knew we were walking back to our cars, and making out in the parking lot. It was a definite improvement from last time, and I can really tell he was trying. Since I had dropped my dog off at my brother's, I had no obligation to get home at any hour. So when he suggested heading back to his place... well, why not? Of course we came in our own cars, so we had to drive separately back to his place. I hadn't been there since the night the bad kissing began, and I didn't have such fond memories of it! I almost decided halfway there that it wasn't a good idea and I should just turn around and go home. I have a 5 hour drive ahead of me today, and still hadn't packed yet for the weekend, it was probably in my best interest to go home. But do I ever do anything in my best interest?? Not at all. I ended up back at his place, and ended up staying far longer than anticipated. He reminded me that he was supposed to have a test on his abilities, and asked me if he was passing my standards. Yikes. I felt a little bad about how strongly I must have laid it on last week, but I don't think there's anyway that he would have improved. I asked him at one point to show me how he would kiss me if I didn't have any of my own expectations, and yeah, it was as bad as I remembered it. And I told him that! I think I asked him too if anyone else had ever said anything, and he said that no one else had ever complained, so.... maybe it's me? I doubt it.

We went into some of our dating past, and I'm fairly confident that I have a lot more experience than he does. I mean, I dated for a living practically when I lived in the city, and he seems to date one girl at a time, getting serious way too quickly. I'm not all about being fast and furious with the relationship status, but I have a feeling he's moving strongly in that direction. Some of the comments he made definitely make me think he's in this for the long haul, and that scares me. I feel like I JUST got out a committed relationship, and yeah, I've been single for 4 months, but not REALLY. Mr. Perfect and I just stopped seeing each other and hanging out (infer what you will....) a little over a month ago. So yes, while we broke up in March, we didn't really end things for good until after the 4th of July weekend. So, I'm a little nervous about getting serious with someone so quickly. It's good that I have a busy rest of August. Anyway, it got really late, and he has a presentation to do all day at work today, so I kept suggesting that maybe it was better if we called it a night... but we never did. I ended up staying there, and we slept for about an hour, but nothing substantial. It was really nice, but at the same time really weird. I have to adjust to new sleeping patterns/habits after a year and a half of being comfortable with another's. I know it's all part of dating, being in a relationship, etc, but part of me feels like it's a little too soon. I was good on all fronts, slept with my clothes on even after he offered me a t-shirt. There's something looming over my head, that I know I need to talk to him about, and I'm avoiding it. This is probably my biggest reservation with making progress in the relationship, and the longer I put it off, the worse I'm sure it will be... Also, I just got a 3rd job, which will take up my entire weekend, every other weekend. I'm betting this will be a roadblock. Although, he's now telling me he's going to skip going down the shore with his buddies on Labor Day to spend the weekend with me, which is sweet, yes, but I don't want him giving things up to be with me, because I have no intention of reciprocating that. I think we may need to test the brakes on this one.

I reminded him to text me to make sure I got home ok, which actually defeats the purpose! Oh well. I'm sure he would have, but I didn't want him to risk a fatal mistake at this stage of the game. As for me, I'm going to take an hour power nap, then I'm off for a weekend of driving through New England and back!

Kiss Me Like You Mean It

2009-08-09T15:24:00.003-04:00

Last night was the third date with the bad kisser, and as you know, I wasn't going into that with very high hopes or expectations, which is against my current mantra. However, he had done very little to reassure me that he was even worth dating over the past week. Just a refresher of BK's prior indiscretions: 1) He was a bad kisser. 2) He didn't text me to see if I got home ok when I left his place after 2 am last Friday. 3) He didn't text me ALL week until Wednesday. So, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect from this, and coupled with the fact that he had taken down his Match profile, I felt like I was receiving pretty mixed signals. We had agreed that he would come out here and we'd go to the Iron Hill Brewery. He came to my house, met my dog (not an easy thing!), and we headed out for dinner. Again, we fell into easy conversation, lots of laughter, and I really really like hanging out with him. I was really scared what might happen if he kissed me again, so I tried to avoid it. After dinner, it was so nice out, so we drove out to get some ice cream at Sundaes, and just sat outside and talked for a while. Once it started to rain, we drove back to my house. All of this was successful, and there was NO kissing. I knew once we got back to my house that would be much harder to avoid. Last time, we had wanted to watch Spaceballs instead of Airplane!, but he couldn't find his copy, so we watched it at my house. It created good comfortable banter - we both were quoting it over each other - and laughing at the silliness of Mel Brooks, and still NO kissing! In my mind, I thought maybe it wouldn't happen. I was clearly kidding myself. After the movie, it was still relatively early, and we decided to find something else to watch, and settled on Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Apparently I'm on an 80s/early 90s movie kick... but at least I found someone who enjoys watching them with me! Unfortunately before the movie started, I was caught off guard. He was coming back to the couch and swooped in and kissed me before I could even prep myself for what was to come! But this time, I was pleasantly surprised. There was just enough pressure, no teeth, not a lot of tongue... Oh my, could he have improved his kissing technique since last week?? As the movie continued, we made out a bit here and there, and he definitely reverted back to the old way of kissing, but I was not discouraged. At least I know the potential for good kissing is there - and who doesn't like a challenge?? I was also able to better place my finger on what the problem was/is with his style. You can fix a problem before you identify it!

After the movie, we continued making out, and I was able to apply some of my teaching skills to teaching him how to kiss better! So, he was kissing me and running his hands lightly over my arms and side. I'm VERY ticklish, so I used this to my advantage to create a teachable moment. I told him that I'm super ticklish, and to avoid me getting very jumping and spastic when he touches me, he needs a firmer touch, and the more pressure the better - with touching AND kissing. This is the first problem. He's a very soft kisser, which is ok, once in a while, but it does not constitute good making out kissing. This was the problem last week with the teeth. He wasn't applying enough pressure and if I pressed my lips harder his teeth ended up pressing up against my lips. So, we're working on the pressure. The second problem was that every time I tried to pull back a little from the kiss he would jut his face forward and it was too much coming at me all the time. So, when he did it one time too many, I just pulled back a bit and said, "Why don't you let me come to you." And for the most part, the jutting problem was solved. Now, the final problem of his jaw... when he would kiss me, he would move his jaw around a little too much. So, I made a joke about it. I asked if he was planning on unhinging his jaw and trying to swallow me whole. So, then every time his jaw would "unhinge" a bit too much, I'd just laugh or he would, but he got the picture. For as long as we were there making out (over 4 hours), there was not much more than kissing going on. No clothing came off, it was VERY PG. It sounds a lot like there was a kissing class going on - but here's my way of thinking... If he didn't improve his kissing, I wasn't going to date him again anyway, so what did it hurt to offer some suggestions? And, I kind of said that to him... Maybe not so harshly, but I did tell him that I'm very picky about the way I like to be kissed, and he was really receptive to it. He said he wanted to make sure I was happy, which is a good response. One time he was kissing me a little too limply, and I just pulled back and said, "Could you please kiss me like you mean it?" I think he was a little surprised, but it worked!

I also was not going to let the lack of communication from last time go either. This is all part of my new dating persona. If something bothers me, I'm bringing it up. There's no use in tip-toeing around it. So, after we had been making out for a while, and were taking a break, I brought it up, very casually. I just asked why he waited 4 days before contacting me after our last date. He kind of stammered around it, and said he didn't realize how many days it was, and that he knew I was busy with my family being here. And I replied, yeah, but a text takes like 2 seconds to send. And I also told him that I was disappointed that he didn't even text me to see if I got home ok when I drove home from his house late at night. He admitted that he should have texted me, and that he meant to, but he got a really bad migraine and it slipped his mind. Ok, fine. Every deserves a second chance, and I told him, I want a guy who's going to check in on me, and make sure I get home ok late at night, and keep in touch throughout the week. And if he didn't think he could do that, I could find someone who would. I said that. I was balls-out last night with the honesty. And it was well received, maybe I should try it more often.

As we continued his kissing education, as a good teacher should, I gave him an assessment, were my objectives met? Is he progressing? He passed the quiz with flying colors, but he knows he has to retain the information for next time. And there probably will be a next time, but not for a few weeks. I'm going to Boston-Vermont-Saratoga next week Thursday-Monday, and no time for more dates. Then I'm home for 3 days and the following Friday I leave for Hawaii... so I'm not sure if I'll see him again before September! He's going to try to set something up for a week night, but he travels a lot for work, so he can't always make it during the week. I'm afraid with so many weeks in between he'll lose some of the knowledge. As he was leaving at 4am, I made sure he knew to text me when he got home and made him kiss me like he was going to miss me for the next few weeks. He did, both.

**After 3 years of the black background, white text; some of my faithful readers are getting a little OLD and their eyes aren't what they used to be and have complained about the text. I changed the format, just for you Debbie. You better appreciate it.**

3 dates.

2009-08-07T00:53:00.004-04:00

Saturday will be my 3rd, possibly final, date with the bad kisser. I hadn't anticipated a 3rd date with him after the events of this past week, but of course, nothing ever turns out the way I anticipate it. Last weekend, after I posted the blog about the bad kisser, I discussed the issue with many friends. It was split - some people believe that bad kissing is a deal breaker, and others think that if the chemistry is good otherwise - then it's something that can be worked on. I am still undecided... I needed just one more date to tell. After our first date, Bad Kisser texted me the very next morning, telling me what a nice time he had, etc. We texted and talked on the phone almost every day between our first date and our second, so imagine my surprise when I didn't hear from him the entire next day after our second date. Not only was I upset that he didn't check in to make sure I got home alright, but no word from him whatsoever. I was NOT happy. So, I was SURE I would hear from Sunday. Well Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday came and went with no word from the Bad Kisser. I logged into match to see if he had been active, and sure enough he was active within 24 hours (this story is starting to remind me of the end of the relationship with T). Needless to say I was confused. Did he think I was a bad kisser? Am I so out of practice that I was misreading his "interested" signals?? Well, unless he's a flat out liar... saying "I want to have a 3rd date..." is usually a key sign that you're interested. I logged in later on Tuesday to rework my profile, and I noticed that the number of people who had me on their "favorite" list had dropped by one. I checked, and sure enough the Bad Kisser had un-favorited me. I was PISSED. At this point, I almost wanted to do something crazy, but this hopeful dating train I'm on doesn't have any room for crazy. So, I did the next rational thing, I checked the emails that he sent me through match, but noticed that I couldn't click on his profile. So, he had taken down his match.com profile entirely. This struck me as odd for a few reasons, the first and foremost being that you usually only take down your profile completely when you're dating someone exclusively and don't want people to contact you. That or you are getting an overwhelming number of responses and just can't be bothered... Somehow I doubt that is the case with his. Others mentioned that maybe his subscription had expired, and I'm fairly certain it did, but you can still leave your profile up even if you're not paying. I'm not sure it qualifies as a reason to remove your profile. But regardless, I hadn't heard from him in 4 days since our last date, he took down his profile, case closed. I was DONE.

So, I'm telling my friends this on the way down the shore last night, when I check my phone, and who of all people had sent me a text? The Bad Kisser. Of course. It wasn't even a message that said anything like, Sorry I wasn't in touch for the past 4 days, a piranha ate my phone and i had no way of contacting you.. or something good like that. No. It was a very short, "How was the rest of your weekend/Dad's birthday? My week's been busy" text. And I'm supposed to do what with that? So I sent a very casual text back (not before scrutinizing over it with 5 of my friends), "My week was fine, I'm in wildwood right now." or something along those lines, basically... I'm great, having fun, you're not included type text. So he texts me back about how much work he's had to do, how busy he's been (STILL not apologizing for not texting prior), and that he hasn't read any more of Atlas Shrugged. At this point, I had 4 too many drinks, was not making much sense, and texting seemed like a good idea... no worries, I just mentioned that I hadn't read the book at all, and I was drinking way too much at the moment. He didn't text back. And I didn't hear from him ALL day. So, again, instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I assume he was put off by the one drunk text - that was not even initiated by me... and write him off once again. Until, he called me at about 9:30 tonight. He chatted with me like there wasn't an entire week's span between the last time we talked at all. I wasn't sure how to proceed, and I was not going to suggest doing something with him, if he wants to see me, he'll ask me out. And eventually, he did get around to that. So Saturday night, we're going to Iron Hill Brewery (Yes, that's 3 breweries in 3 weeks and 3 dates for me.) I wish I could be as hopeful about this date as I was for the other 2, but he's got some serious strikes against him. It could be 3 dates and he's out.

Surely, You Can't Be Serious...

2009-08-01T23:27:00.002-04:00

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. :)

So, the end of last night's date included watching Airplane! (for those of you who didn't catch the reference above...), but more on that later.

Last night I had my second date with the guy from last weekend (the 6-hour date guy), and we had been talking/texting all week long. Things have been moving along smoothly, and we both seemed to be enjoying the natural progression of the relationship. We had planned to meet up at his place around 5, drive down to Downingtown, and go to the Victory Brewery for drinks and dinner. He lives about 45 minutes away, without traffic, and on a Friday at rush hour - it was no easy feat getting there. And the weather decided to monsoon as soon as I was ready to leave... no joke, flooded roads, trees knocked over... It just added insult to injury. I ended up getting to his place around 6, which turned out to be alright because he had been stuck in a lot of traffic getting home from work as well, so earlier would not have been better.

We drove out in his car to the brewery, and things were going along smoothly. I was trying to explain something, I don't remember what... It was my idea or opinion on something (because I have so few of those!!), and he said something like, "I'm picking up what you're putting down." Um, ok? I was a little confused because it wasn't really the smoothest delivery of that line, but I could tell he was trying to use it that way. It made me laugh and while we were driving I thought to myself, THAT is going to be the title of the blog. It's never a good sign when you're thinking about the blog while on the date...

And so it goes, the date continued on once we arrived at the brewery. I bought the first round of drinks. I had lost the bet as to who could read the most of Atlas Shrugged before the date, so drinks were on me (thankfully not dinner too!). We're standing near the bar, waiting for our table, when he says to me, "Do you see that guy over there with the red shorts on?" And it's a good thing I didn't respond with something like, "Um, yeah, fashion faux-pas!" Because he then follows it up with, "That's my brother, and his wife." Oh. Great. Nothing like meeting the fam on the SECOND date. So, of course, my first question is - Did you plan that?? And he was adamant that they had no idea that he was here, let alone on a date. I don't think this guy told his family that he's on Match, he seemed very nervous that the question of how we met might come up... That's already an issue for me. Seriously, people. It's 2009. People meet people on the internet. I'm going to a wedding in 2 weeks for my friend who met his wife on Craigslist. So seriously, we all just need to get over it! Anyway, they don't even notice us at first. His sister-in-law comes and stands almost directly behind us, but his back is to her and she's facing away from him too, so she didn't notice. But when his brother walks over with the drinks, he of course notices his brother standing not 3 feet away from his wife. And so begins an awkward conversation of about 15 minutes. Thankfully they didn't ask how we met, so he was safe on this one. Our table was called, we ate dinner, talked, laughed, and things are back to being good. I'm feeling good about the date, I've had a few beers, life was swell.

After dinner we decided to go mini-golfing (my 3 date rule - 2nd date HAS to involve an activity or something fun that is not dinner/movie!). He golfs semi-regularly, so he was pretty confident that he would kick my ass on this one. I had a few too many beers at dinner (um, 2?? when did I get to be such a lightweight) and kept hitting the ball into the water, off the course, one time missing completely. It was a fun game, we had to stop frequently because there were 2 couples playing ahead of us who were playing more along my golfing level. Everytime we had to stop, he would put his arm around me, and rub my back. I could tell he wanted to kiss me there, but I was not about to have the first kiss on a mini-golf course with 2 other couples around. It's a good thing I waited, I think. I don't know what the final score was, we finished the game, and went back to his place, where my car was parked. He asked if I was going to get going or if I wanted to come up. It was fairly early at that point, so I decided to go up. At that point, the date had been going so well, I couldn't see any reason to not go. So, he took me to his apartment, showed me around, and the inevitable, first kiss occurred. Oh how I wish it hadn't. Not only was this guy not a good kisser, but he was using his teeth somehow. I couldn't figure it out, it was TERRIBLE. I wanted to run out of his apartment screaming, but I had just said that it wasn't that late, how was I going to avoid making out with him and not leave? We had been having movie quoting banter all night, and one of them included Airplane!, which was available on demand, so we watched that. I fell asleep sometime in the middle, and the next thing I know, the movie's over and he's trying to maul my face again. I really want to believe that good kissing is something that can be learned, and that I should give him a chance to prove otherwise. I tried pulling back everytime his teeth came out (maybe he's a vampire??) and at one point even jokingly asked if he was trying to bite off my lip. But nothing worked. I finally left close to 2am, and still had a 45 minute drive ahead of me. He mentioned the next time we hang out, it will be on my turf, but I'm not so sure there will be a next time. He didn't call/text to see if I got home OK, and I'm really surprised that I didn't hear from him at all today. Maybe he thinks I was a bad kisser, and is debating the same thing I am.

I've dated bad kissers before (you all remember the fish-kisser!), but at 31, shouldn't these things be fixed? If it's the only problem in a relationship, is it a deal-breaker?? I think the combination of bad kissing, the long distance, and him not even checking to see if I made it home OK last night is the trifecta deal-breaker. It was a fun 2-date run, but at least now I know.

Musical Chairs, and other fun dating games.

2009-07-26T23:46:00.002-04:00

So Saturday's date was a success! Not bad for my first real foray back into the dating world after such a long break from it. It's definitely strange having all those old feelings of nervousness and anticipation when I was so sure that I was out of this game for good until a few months ago. So, we met up at the Manayunk Brewery, which was actually fairly out of the way for both of us, but he wanted to go there, so I was game. It's right around the corner from my brother's place, and I was actually just there LAST Saturday with my brother and his girlfriend, so now I'm almost a regular. Anyway, the date. The guy was one who I've been emailing/texting/talking with for about a week, and I'm kind of done with long email exchanges that go nowhere. So, after a week of communication, we decided to meet for lunch. Which I think is a good non-commital date for a first date. It's not commiting to an evening, and I have a 3 date rule anyway. The first date is ALWAYS something that can be quick and easy... coffee, drinks, dessert, whatever. It's NEVER dinner. It can always turn into dinner if both parties are feeling it, or it can end within an hour if need be. No time lost, no harm, no foul. So we met up, and yeah, the initial introduction is always awkward, I've lost so much game! I think we shook hands, kind of weird. But not a deterrant, he was cute, looked a lot like his pictures (always a plus when you can recognize someone!), and very sweet. We sat outside, but unfortunately we're both rather fair skinned. I burn if I'm in direct sunlight less than 5 minutes, and he's only slightly darker in complexion than me. So, we wanted to sit outside, and deliberately asked for a table that was in the shade. Unfortunately, neither of us planned to be on this date for 6 hours, and shade doesn't stay in one place. So, we rotated our seats around the table, like clockwork. I'd say every 2 hours we'd switch seats, until it was after 6, the sun had dropped below the tree line, and it was time for us to go anyway. Parting was again slightly awkward, hug? kiss? Both? I don't know how it happened per se... but there was a hug first, and then it kind of lingered, so there was a quick kiss on the lips, and he was still holding onto my hands and making plans for our next date. It was a nice date, a really really nice date. There was good food, better beer, and even better conversation. We talked about EVERYTHING under the sun, he made me laugh, he watched a video of my students doing the cupid shuffle on my camera, he reads (YAY!!) so we talked about books for a while. All in all, it didn't feel like such a long date, which is always a good sign.

He sent me a text me this morning, telling me what a good time he had, and that he's looking forward to our next date. We were texting back and forth throughout the day, and tonight we even started a small reading competition (however, anyone who's read Atlas Shrugged knows it's not SMALL in any shape or form). I've had this book in my posession for years, and have yet to even think about reading it. I guess this will be good motivation, loser has to buy dinner and money is a bit tight! I should get reading, he's already 50 pages ahead of me and he actually wants to read this book! (FYI my copy is 1168 pages long... scary.)

Not planning on any other dates this week, but Quizzo nights always bring a strange selection of men and I'm sure I'll find something to keep up with.

A Time-Machine

2009-07-26T15:35:00.002-04:00

Well, at least I can put things to rest with the stranger I've been obsessing over. My friends are right, there is an idea there that is impossible to live up to in real life. If I had a time machine one of the first places I go would be to the day I sent that email in which I admit to being a crazy girl. Chalk that up to a life lesson learned. Seriously though, as much as I've been fixated on this person, it didn't really dawn on me that he is just a person, nothing greater than that. I think there's something about being attracted to someone's talent, and someone's strengths. I'm pretty sure that's what it was for me with this guy. I'd love to say that it was the amazing date I had yesterday that helped me to see the light (and yesterday's date was quite spectacular, maybe hope isn't such a bad thing!), but it was actually another irrational act of mine. I sent the stranger ANOTHER email. Yes, yes, I'm pathetic, but it was something I had hashed and rehashed with friends, and it came down to needing to do something. And this time I got a response, maybe not the response I was hoping for, but at least it was something. And it turns out he actually had written me back after my crazy email, but I never got that one. He attached it to the email he sent me today, and damn, if he isn't just a seriously nice guy. If I could climb into a virtual hole and hide there for a while, I would. So, a good guy gets away... irrational behavior NEVER pays off. I need to write this out, because the next time I am contemplating acts that I know are wrong, I will have this to reflect on. And maybe I won't need to get that far, I will blog about yesterday's date soon. I'm still reveling in the glory of a good date, mixed with the emotions of shame and embarrassment from what happened with the stranger! I want to be able to write about yesterday with a clear mind, and as the foggy haze of obsession is starting lift, I will add more later. Let's just say for now, the 2nd date is already in the works! :)

And don't forget, the Israeli will be on his way, staying here, not too far in the future. His visa was approved on Thursday, but thankfully he hasn't purchased any tickets yet! While re-reading the time we dated, I started to second guess that decision for him to come over to stay here, for such a long time!

The Luckiest

2009-07-25T01:03:00.004-04:00

"I don't get many things right the first time, in fact I am told that a lot... now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here" - Ben Folds

I know it seems strange to be quoting a love song (and one that brings tears to my eyes every time he gets to the verse about the old man and his wife), and even though I don't feel like the luckiest right now, I do feel hopeful. This song, this quote specifically, I can relate to, since as of late I feel like I've been doing not much but making mistakes! But it also brings me hope. Hope that all these mistakes I'm making might just turn into something good. This is something I never really factored into the equation before, that it's ok to HOPE for something to happen. I used to think it was better to have no expectations and not hope for anything, because then you'd never be disappointed. Well, that didn't turn out too well for me, did it? It seems when I went into things with low expectations, yes, I was pleasantly surprised more often, but I also ended up dating completely the wrong guys because of it! So, now I'm trying something new. Hoping for what I want. Putting it out there, no shame, no embarassment. Because what? I might meet someone who doesn't like me back? I've been through worse. He might not call when he says he will? And then I'll keep hoping that the next one will be better. What could be so bad about being hopeful? I spent so many years being jaded by these guys, and not getting my hopes up about any of the relationships I was in! I re-read the entire blog today, after being so amused by the partial reading of just from when I moved home, and I'm surprised by how wishy-washy I was about the guys I dated (the ones that lasted more than a few dates). I would go from being overly-smitten to being really nit picky and hateful. It was not a pretty thing to relive. And a lot of that is so true to how I felt at the time, too. Of all the guys who lasted at least a month, there was something wrong with each of them in the beginning, and I overlooked that because I was never allowing myself to hope for something better! I'm not saying I'm this over the top optimistic person and believe that I'll find my true love on one of these dates, but I'm going into them all with the hope that this could be a big moment in my life.

I was doing a writing assignment with my kids in summer school, and we were writing about what we're looking forward to, and I wrote that I don't know the exact thing I'm looking forward to, but I'm looking forward to the next big moment of my life. The thing about these big moments is you don't know they've happened until they've past. For example, when I went to go look at my house the first time (for those of you who don't know - I bought a house this year!), I had no idea it was going to be the house I was going to end up buying. I went to see it on a whim, no intention of actually putting an offer on it, I just wanted to look. Well the best laid plans... and 6 weeks later, I am a homeowner. I try to remember what I thought about the house the first time I saw it, what stuck out, what I loved, etc... but it's hard, because I was trying to not get my hopes up about it. I made myself stop thinking about it. And I wish I had allowed myself to be hopeful about it. So I'm going to do the same thing with my dates, I hated that my first date with Mr. Perfect was one that I had dreaded so much. I had so many pre-conceived notions and I was not looking forward to it at all, I had zero expectations, and obviously there was more I could have been hopeful about than I realized. As much as we had our differences, we had a very nice relationship that lasted over a year - my second longest. And whenever I told the story of our first date, I always started with how much I wasn't looking forward to that date. Isn't that terrible? Maybe if I had been a bit more hopeful, it wouldn't have changed the outcome of our relationship, but I'd feel a bit better about putting a year of my life into something I really wanted!

So, I'm looking forward to next big moment. The first date with the guy who makes me feel like I'm the luckiest. I know it's going to happen, whether it be sooner or later, I'm done with the negativity. Today is the official start of my newest dating season, and I am hoping for the best!

Now you're finding out I'm a little bit crazy...

2009-07-23T20:01:00.010-04:00

So, when I thought about writing this blog entry, I just couldn't find the right way to write it. Here's the skinny: I am strangely drawn to a guy who I don't know. No, scratch that, not even don't know... NEVER MET. EVER. This is the total of the communication we've had: He winked at me (on match), I winked back... didn't hear anything from him for about a few days, so I emailed. He emailed me back, and I followed that up with another email. Then nothing... I may have done something crazy though... Like "research" his name, profession, facebook page... Ok, so I know a bit about this guy, definitely more than I should considering I've never met him. Yeah, I'm THAT girl. How did I get here? So, when I didn't hear back from him, I sort of freaked out, assuming that he knew I searched all his information... and I did the unthinkable. I emailed him, and apologized for it. Actually admitted to stalking his info. What in the world possessed me to do that, I'll never know. But all I know is that I can't take it back, and I can't get this guy off my mind. It's absolutely crazy because I don't know him. At least with other guys I was fixated on before (Like T), I had at least met them, dated them, and THEN reacted this way. I'm not really sure why I feel so strongly, it could be because this guy is the TOTAL opposite of Mr. P., at least on screen. Super social (as opposed to Mr. P's not at all social), someone who enjoys humor, and a human connection. All this opposed to Mr. P's predilection to be miserable for the rest of his life, and no need for any interpersonal connection. I'm sure I've idealized this guy over the top and made him in my mind to be what I want him to be, but no matter how much I tell myself to get over it, and move on, I keep going back to his profile, his pictures, wondering what it is about this stranger that I can't shake. Clearly, the feeling is not mutual here, and I am desperately trying to get myself past this. In doing so, I've scheduled some dates for the coming weeks... I'm dreading them... And it's awful, because I can't seem to muster up the strength to find interest in any of the guys I'm emailing right now. I've been talking to this really nice guy, and we're going out on Saturday, and I wish I could get excited about it. I should be excited. He's cute, funny, interesting, and he WANTS to go out with me. Which is more than I can say for the guy I'm webstalking. I'm not sure what posting this will accomplish, or why I feel the need to confess my indiscretions to the whole wide world... There's something cathartic about getting it out there, I think I hoped that emailing him, admitting what I had done, would be the same, and it proved to be unsucessful. So onto the next try, and whatever it takes. Maybe Saturday's date will prove to be exactly what I need. Maybe getting back into reality when it comes to dating, will remind me that people in person are much better than people on paper (or online). I'm ready to admit that I've made some huge mistakes on this long journey I've been on. I went back today and read all the entries of the dates I've been on/relationships I've had since I've been out of Brooklyn... and from the very beginning with CK to Mr. Perfect, I never had what I want. I couldn't believe some of the things I went through and put up with. Some of the things I wrote shocked myself, and made me laugh. I'm glad I have this journey written out, I can go back and learn from the mistakes I recorded. The good dates and the bad, the truth and the lies... I can remember how I felt at each entry... all the pain, amusement, anger, sadness, happiness, and love. I'm done with lying about what I want... I'm hoping that my next relationship will be my last, and with that being said, I'm not willing to settle for anything less than wonderful. No more making excuses about why someone does or does not meet my expectations. I shouldn't have to change what I want, because it's what I think I can get. So, I guess I'm writing this down, so that when I look back on this, in a week, or a month, or a year, I can laugh about how foolish I was, to feel such things for a stranger, to realize you can't idealize people you've never met, to take things one day at a time, and to maybe cut back *a bit* on my webstalking. Just because I know HOW to find the information (and believe me, it's pretty impressive how much I was able to find out), doesn't mean I should. There's just one more person now who has reason to believe that I am a little bit crazy....

Some exciting news for my loyal readers: The Israeli is planning to come back for a visit this September... and stay with me for 3 weeks or so! YIKES. Stay tuned, there will be more to come. Promise! And here we go again...

************************************************

** An update ** (10/09) I saw this guy in person - for real - at a bar in Philly. I don't know if he knew who I was, but I knew who he was, for sure. I mention this to my friend who is with me, and she reminds me that she too was on match this summer, and I may have coerced her into winking at this guy... in the hopes that someone meeting him would help me get over him. Not a whole lot of luck there. It continued throughout the summer (you remember the second email), and my best friend DID meet him, as she was in her cousin's wedding - which he happened to photograph, she did her best to try to convince me that he's definitely not as great as I conjured him up to be in my mind. Back to the bar incident. I was at the bar ordering drinks, and I turned to ask my friends what they wanted, and there he was, not 3 feet away from me. I freaked out a bit, and proceeded to drink way more than is acceptable on a school night. My friends who I was with thought the same, just average. Do I believe there is something greater there? I don't know, I know that as soon as I saw him, I knew 100% it was him. I was nervous, and then very drunk, and I tried to avoid looking at him, which didn't help when we were sat at the table right next to them. And, that's all, it's really nothing I need to fixate on, but I find everytime I start dating someone new (the bad kisser was right after this first happened, but now the ex-wife guy), I compare them to what I think he is. I guess I wish I could just meet him, and figure out what's in my head and what's real. Time will tell, but other than being absolutely crazy, nothing new has occurred. And to think this was just a summer crush... and now it's fall, I'm going to get over this. One way or another!

Back again!

2009-07-23T18:49:00.002-04:00

Well, loyal readers (all 2 of you??), I'm back to the blog again. Those of you who know me, know the end of me and Mr. Perfect was not quite as perfect as the rest of the relationship. Actually, since we've been broken up for about 4 months now, I'm fairly certain I should've ended the relationship months before. However, we do things in our own time, and my time with Mr. P came to an end the day after my best friend's wedding. He was MISERABLE at the wedding, really really painfully miserable. And I couldn't stand it. I was done with dancing around his moods and his insecurities, and the next day, we ended it. He thinks this was his idea, but really if I hadn't given him the ultimatum, I'm sure we'd still be in some strangely unhappy co-existence. It came as a shock to most my friends and family, but the further I get from the relationship, the happier I really am. I had been hesitant about going back to the blog, because it caused some concerns when Mr. P and I got into a serious relationship. But right now, I need a venue to clear my thoughts, to open my mind up to what is out there again. I've been on Match.com for a few months now (2? 3? I can't remember anymore!), and I've only been on one date thus far. This is FINE with me, I'm not really ready to be back in the tumultuous world of dating just for dating sake, and the one date I did go one was AWFUL. Truly a horrific experience, definitely blog-worthy, but that is for another day. I'm back to the blog for one specific reason, I'm scarily infatuated with a guy I've never met. And I'm hoping if I put it out there in the internet-universe, it will allow me to stop being crazy! I'm going to create another post that is specific to the situation, after this. I just feel like this is something I need to do, and had I had this venue of expression a few weeks ago, I may not have done the stupid things I've done...